Cranky Wednesday
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Hi and Lois, 3/18/26
Look, we’re all adults here. Well, maybe some of you are weird kids with grown-up taste in ironic internet websites, I don’t know, but my point is, let’s ignore Trixie’s insipid heliocentric rambling and turn our eyes to the fun little domestic drama in panel one. Check out how beaten down and defeated Hi looks; that’s a man who has passive-aggressively talked about high energy bills for weeks even as time slips further and further into air conditioning season; and rather than be gracious after he’s given in, Lois is doing a little pantomime of concern: “Oh, but can we afford it, Hi? Will we need to dip into the children’s college fund, in order to keep the temperature in here below 80 degrees?” My own natural thrift puts me tentatively on Hi’s side here, but they could be taking other steps, like following Trixie’s lead and pricing solar panels, or at least taking off their sweaters.
Judge Parker, 3/18/26
One of my least favorite little narrative devices is when some character makes a daring and self-destructive move in order to achieve some goal, and then comes out on top against all odds, but when he does, announces that he understands he shouldn’t have done it in the first place. This happens more often than you’d think, and it’s especially annoying in cases like this, when Randy is like “I’m a bad person! I’ve suffered nothing for my choices and actually had a pretty cool time getting broken out of prison by my hot, murderous wife, but I just want to apologize for my wrongs! Probably my daughter doesn’t love me anymore, right? Whatever, she’s someone else’s problem now, which, uh, I again acknowledge I should feel bad about.”
Luann, 3/18/26
A thing about the comic strip Luann is that sometimes you’ll get a whole week’s worth of strips where one character just passive-aggressively talks shit about another character within earshot of them. And the shit-talker is the one you’re supposed to be sympathetic towards. It’s wild stuff!
62 replies to “Cranky Wednesday”
Good skill
Curtis: “What about Joe Jackson Middle School?” “The baseball player or the musician?”
“R.E.A.R. test” makes it sound like the Luann cast finally discovered butt stuff, but in true Luann fashion they’re just going to innuendo their way around it for the next several weeks.
H&L Ha, its funny because Trixie is aware of the perils of global warming! Just look at her concerned face: she knows that there’s no future for her!
JP Just imagining the colorist looking at this scene and thinking “That phone is probably gold, right? They seem like the type…”
Luann and Intelligent Life are looking more and more similar I’m not sure to whom that’s more insulting.
H&L: The family could just all sit on the floor by the window.
H&L: Is this supposed to be an episode of sci-fi where we feel sympathy for a child who will never grow up because she realizes that there might be a more sinister aspect to what she perceives as a friendly beam of light from a sun in the early stages of going nova? That, or two dull suburbanites discussing setting the thermostat? I’m going with the former.
Luann: I hate today’s strip for two reasons – first, for being so weird that I felt compelled to look back to work out what the hell is going on (Why is everyone writing on paper and talking about what type of animal they are? Why is R.E.A.R. stamped on the book cover? Are they playing some weird furry sex version of D&D?), and secondly for being a complete let down when I actually went back to check. It’s so dull I’m not even going to bother explaining it, which is not how you should describe the set-up to the phrase “I’m a Neon-Cliff-Fox and I’m good at rappelling!”
H&L Being winter-to-spring in the US, I figured Hi noticed the spring sun was keeping things warm and they didn’t need the furnace as much, while Lois is abshed that she didn’t do so earlier and has been wasting energy. Of course, setting the furnace at 65F instead of 70 isn’t going to change anything if the house is at 72, it will not-turn-on just as much. But they don’t seem bright enough to have figured that out, as they are presumably the audience for their energy company’s tips newsletter (have you tried turning off the lights when you leave a room to reduce your bill? and there are these things called LED bulbs…)
Luann : I like how
a) Les has now been given a full book version that contains all the possible results for this personality quiz, something he definitely did not receive last week, only because otherwise it wouldn’t make any sense for Bets to know all those different results off the top of her head
b) this strip commits to the “vaguely gross, vaguely sexual “”””innuendo”””” ” bit with Gunther’s result, complete with Les spelling it out that our minds are supposed to go there.
Also pretty sure it was supposed to be PINK-STARFISH-MOLE, then they realised Spongebob could suec) the strip breaks the [COLOR-TERRAIN FEATURE-ANIMAL] naming scheme rule THREE TIMES here; sponge is an animal, sessile is a characteristic of a living thing (and REALLY stands out due to being an adjective), and iktomi isn’t actually an animal species, but a mythological figure?
they couldn’t do something like Pyrite-Morass-Remora or something?d) Les’ results are made up of significantly more obscure vocabulary than ANY of the other results from this we’ve seen so far, entirely for the purpose of this “joke”
e) Either the booklet Les is sharing is where he actually filled out is the actual quiz sheet he used (where he stupidly honestly answered before quickly (and transparently) changing his answers to match Tara), or Bets is picking the most insulting, negative result just to gratuitously insult Les.
e.1) The former explanation implies that if you answered “playing video games” to “which of these activities seems the most fun to you?”, you are on your way to getting the worst possible result.
Who wrote this quiz, Ed “DustinDad” Kudlick!?f) this strip has an actual character who is a psychology student (and prides herself about it), and puts the characters in situations where they have to discuss psychology, and somehow NEVER makes those two things overlap! So now, randomly Bets is an expert in this personality quiz despite being a BUSINESS major
which this strip treats as code for “being greedy”I like a lot of things about this strip
…Know what I don’t like, though? Myself, whenever I type so many words about FREAKIN’ LUANN…Judge Parker:
“By the way, ‘Pops,’ are you drinking right now?”
I don’t think the writers of Hi & Lois quite understand the purpose or function of a green screen.
Luann:
All three of you are wrong. Each of you is a tardigrade.
H and L:
“Sunbeam, why are you named after a vintage electric razor?”
H&L: “Or commit suicide…I’m open to either option.”
@Bob Tice: Tardigrades are vastly cooler than any Luann character could ever aspire to be.
@Anonymous: On your last point, it seriously boggles my mind that the Evansii never did the obvious thing and paired off Bernice and Gunther. They’re both frigid, self-righteous scolds who will insult people right to their face and somehow never get punched in said face for doing so. They should be a match made in heaven.
The Evansii’s obtuseness is truly superhuman.
Phantom:
“You guys want some juicy gossip? — I hear that Worubu is repurposing himself as Colonel ‘Sanders,’ and hawking KFC like Reba McIntire!”
JP:
Another strip, another day in which everyone depicted has a pained expression for one reason or another.
@Ken:
You know, you’re right. And I’ve been beside myself since that group of them crashed on the surface of the moon on April 11, 2019 — I hope they’re okay!
@Dan: As obnoxiously Christian as the world of Luann is, I’m pretty sure all the young adults are into butt stuff. Gotta preserve that virginity, you know!
@The Quiet Man: The Evansii’s obtuseness is truly superhuman.
And yet, they don’t hold a candle to Batton Thomas in that department.
Hi and Lois: Panel One: Accidental Renaissance? Accidental Renaissance, or as close to Accidental Renaissance as you can get with flat colors, no shadowing and blob-like human form. It’s a masterpiece!
@Banana Jr. 6000: I’ve always thought of the Evanses as generic Baptist-y evangelicals, but it probably makes more sense if they were hard-shell Calvinists following the TULIP model:
– Total Depravity: Everybody’s an asshole in the Luannverse
– Unconditional Election: Little Miss Inner Beauty is the designated heroine, Tiffany (or Steph) have been rejected
– Limited Atonement: Only the virgins are saved; all others are parents and/or have puffy lips
– Irresistable Grace: How else do you explain Luann, Gunther or ((shudder)) Brad having romantic partners?
– Perseverance of the Saints: That’s what we go through, day in and day out, reading this crap.
Hi and Lois: “Sunbeam turned up the thermostat outside.” It’s a short road from here to “Sunbeam is angry and demands a sacrifice.”
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Can I interest you in a selection of moody throwaway panels?
FC: Did Bil and Thel have an argument before he drew this one? She looks particularly frumpy today.
MW: Mary better lay off the Reanimator Matcha drink. She already looks like she’s in her early forties. If she finishes that cup, she’ll look younger than Toby.
BG&SS: Surely the $1 bill isn’t used for making change in Hootin’ Holler, what with it probably being the highest denomination of paper money circulating there, not counting Confederate Grayback notes.
In panel 2, Luann recreates the cover of Emerson Lake and Palmer’s Trilogy, the Luann of Emerson Lake and Palmer albums.
JP: Alan’s at the stage of dementia where he only remembers Randy as a child.
“Who is this guy, again?”
“It was foolish of me to go off to find April when it’s only mid-March! But the lure of spring break was too strong, Dad. When they find my bones, bury me at the beach in Cabo, so the hot girls can keep walking all over me.”
Luann – I’ve never been a huge fan of the idea that a single personality test could capture and quantify a person into a neat little bundle. But I’m such an ENFP, Enneagram 7, DiSC Profile i, Color Season Deep Winter, Scorpio, Hufflepuff that of course I’d say that.
CS – I love how Skip is looking right at us as if to say “can you believe he’s still talking about all this crap? And can you believe I’m still recording him?”
MW-“I’ve seen H@rvey’s situation before.” Mostly with Wilbur.
MW-“Challenge accepted,” Mary declares, “I shall reunite H@rvey and his daughter.”
FC-Then Thel whacks the book across Dolly’s face.
Beetle Bailey-“Is Beetle going to take you to see the Beatles?”
JP-Today the role of Randy shall be played by Mud Mountain.
JP-Actually Randy has several excuses for leaving that annoying child behind but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy.
@Weaselboy: Far too many CS characters exist solely to break the fourth wall and smirk at the reader, to say “isn’t the writer of this strip a clever guy”.
If you think Hi and Lois look concerned now, wait until Trixie starts becoming verbal.
***
Judge Parker’s look of disgust at Randy’s beard? 10/10, no notes.
***
Really Easy Asshole Ratification test?
But seriously, is a “R.E.A.R. test” something people are supposed to know about?
RMMD — “No Choices, No Excuses: The Randy Parker Story”
Marvin is impressed the instructor can lift his leg that high to piss on things? This kid needs psychiatric care toot suite.
MW: Could it be that Mary herself is about to LEARN that some people on the planet actually should be RESISTANT to her advice?
Nah. That would be like matter and antimatter colliding.
@Ken: At which point I would disagree with them.
MW meta-comment: Every time I visit Comics Kingdom, I wonder why the banner for Mary Worth shows Zak and Iris instead of the title character.
MW comment: It’s vaguely creepy the way Mary and Toby are talking about HH without making eye contact. Maybe not creepy, more like two criminals standing on a street corner, not looking at each other as they discuss plans for their next murder.
H&L – As someone that was in college listening to hip hop in the early 2000s I’m glad that strip didn’t go where my mind went after it started, “It’s getting hot in here”
@Tabby Lavalamp: The “R.E.A.R. test” was mentioned in the dialogue a couple of times last week, particularly in the March 9 strip, which used it for some mild butt humor.
Instructor: “Today we’ll be doing a R.E.A.R. analysis.”
(Text written on whiteboard: “Career Paths: Relative Evaluation And Rating”)
Luann: “Not my rear, we won’t.”
Tara: “If we’re rating relatives, mine get F’s.”
Les: “Ditto. I do have a nice rear, though.”
@Bob Tice: Please, tardigrades are adorable.
@Tabby Lavalamp:
Well, it’s the test Mrs Fogarty administered to the “career path” class last week… so it’s assuming you’re religiously following Luann
*every day of every week, even when it’s not featured by Josh.*what a shameful thing I am confessing to!Today’s kids are keenly aware of the perils posed by climate change. Trixie, for example, knows that rising global temperatures are likely to disrupt agriculture and cause severe food shortages before she even starts solid food, sometime in the Sasha Obama administration. Her parents, on the other hand, remain focused on their social and class anxieties. “We can’t afford the bill, but what else can we do? If we don’t turn on the central air, we’re no better than the Thurstons.”
Were Pluggers taught about Sundown Towns in school? I don’t mean Mayberry, of course, but I have my suspicions about Mount Pilot.
Beetle Bailey today is making me wonder who hired Miss Buxley to wear a Little Black Dress and pearls as an Army admin assistant. The idea that private-for-life Beetle can’t afford concert tickets even though he doesn’t have to pay for room and board is a given.
Zits: Im old enough to have grown up when every phone in the house had a cord,, and if you were fortunate there was a second one not where tour parents were.
If Jeremy’s not smart enough to wear ear buds he deserves parental guidance and whatever slop Netflix is lading out.
Don Abundio, translated:
“We’ll have 700 for April Fool’s Day. Is everything ready?”
“Yes”
“Hilda bought 300 sour gummies and I have a thousand Vegemite sandwiches”
“Good. And the drinks?”
“The most authentic Cement Mixers”
@Tabby Lavalamp: R.E.A.R. is a made-up version of those personality tests that are supposed to tell you everything about your professional skills, social interactions, etc. (ie. Myers-Briggs, DISC, Birkman Method). In true Clan Evans fashion, however, they’ve made it even stupider by giving weirdly obtuse names to the results and also providing a seemingly endless array of possible result options. Even the Myers-Briggs, which has a relatively wide range of possible outcomes, only has two possible results in each category. So you wind up with people yelling things like “I’m a chartreuse-hoodoo-walrus!” like they’re John Lennon tripping on LSD.
JP: “What can I say, I’m about as good at parenting as I am at action hero stuff, and I’m really, REALLY bad at action hero stuff.”
Luann: Okay, I’ll give the REAR Test this one. I look at Gunther and think yep, that’s definitely a pink sponge mole.
RMMD – “But action star means movies with lots of shooting and explosions. I’ve seen your movies. That’s not the kind of action you were doing. You were a po-…”
“Shut up, Fergus!”
9CL: As children, when not on the swing set, seesaw, or neck deep in water, Edda would take Amos to look at her mom’s underwear? Up until this very moment Juliet has been known to be quite svelte and to wear leopard print body suits to entice the men around her, but now we learn that she has, apparently always, a big caboose. Maybe this is like one of those science fiction universes where timelines and realities continually shift.
MW- “So far, Hardly has been resistant to my advice…but zere are vays to deal vith him”. Ha ha ha…
RMMD- “Yep…’Keepin’ Up Appearences’ was tough.. what with that uppity British accent n’ all. And who the hell names a kid ‘Hyacinth’ anyhow?”
GA: Walt was giddy about ending his trip on “Life’s Railway to Heaven”.
He starts humming the song the preacher sang during the sermon.
But as Walt gets to the exit…
By Gawd….that’s AC/DC!!!!!!
Luann: Please, Les. I’m begging you. Punch Gunt right in the effing mouth.
JP: BTW, Randy. You forgot to resign your judgeship so the DOJ has been using your absence to fill the courthouse with detainees.
C’shaft: And did you tie an onion on your belt, as was the style at the time?
Dustin: There are many, MANY things about the world that I wish the Divalings didn’t have to endure, but one of the big improvements over my generation is that schools are playing a much more active role in bullying prevention. It still happens, obviously, but teachers are a lot less likely to offer dismissive, unhelpful advice like “just ignore them and they’ll get bored and stop” or “he’s teasing you because he likes you!” Parker and Evans, unsurprisingly, are still living in the days when bullying was a temporary youthful inconvenience that has no long-term effects on mental and emotional health, or something that you deserve if it happens to you because you’re a loser.
MW: “Maybe one of us should try and contact Sharon, rather than vaguely mentioning her existence…?”
I’ve changed my mind: Sharon isn’t a prisoner of the scam center, she’s running it. This is all part of an elaborate scheme to get revenge after her dad started trolling the internet for twenty-year-olds and threatening to write her out of the will.
Phantom: “Fair to me, anyway!” says the only white woman in the group, while the others glare at her unchecked privilege.
Working Cats: Honey, the last time your ancestors were the same size as the Pantherinae cats, the Andes were being constructed and the hominids hadn’t even begun to walk upright, let alone build pyramids and make cute little mummies out of your corpses.
On Crankshaft, and the interminable Batton Thomas interview : Oh no, are we going backwards? Like, they were talking about how he was making the strips with his wife and creating Band Director Finkle, and now he’s young and unmustachioed again, and buying bristol boards for the first time?
This is like the time where he talked about getting rejected by BOTH Marvel and DC, only to go back to how, when he was seven, he discovered that his superhero coloring book was printed by printing press, found out where the building was, and thought that the place was a comic book factory he would one day work at!
Another thing that bothers about this dumb Luann personality test: Luann’s score was a 9, and Tara/Les’ score was a 28. How did it get from 9 to “paisley-cloud-squirrel” and from 28 to “neon-cliff-fox”? It goes from one rubric to three, and then those three rubrics mean even more complex text descriptions. If Luann had answered one question differently, would she have gotten an 8, which means “solid-mountain-iguana”? It’s simultaneously too simple and too complex.
Reminds me of the G.O.A.T. test from Fallout, except that their writers had the good sense to hide the math behind it.
“Sunbeam turned up the thermostat outside. I mean, outside the house, but inside the Sunbeam Bread dome. Sure, everyone cheered when Quality Bakers of America overthrew democracy, but then they encased the continental United States in a dome and now we all have to toil for our new masters. That’s why they turned up the thermostat in the dome, to drive us into the cool yeasty air of the bread mines. Well, no more. I will rise, like Sunbeam Bread rises in the baking lines, and I will topple this crusty dictator.” – Opening paragraph of Loaves of War: The Rising, volume one of the YA decalogy The Leavening.
MW: “He seems resistant to my advice. Some things cannot be taught. They can only be learned.”
“Yes Lord Vader.”
Hi and Lois: I wonder what’s up with the house next door, which seems closer than it should be, given the huge square footage of the Flagstons’ lawn. It seems to be on the other side from the Thurstons, who also lucked into a big property back when home prices and interest rates were both much lower. No, this is a place with a much smaller yard, plus a roof that’s badly in need of repair, and a picture window that looks partially boarded up. Does the couple who lives there — who can barely pay their oversize mortgage, much less make all the needed home improvements — look out on the Flagstons’ luxurious lifestyle with envy? (Central air! Backyard barbecues twice a week!) Of course, they’re also in direct sight of the Flagstons’ own windows, where they’re sure to notice a helpless baby sitting there, staring into the sun and absorbing UV-A rays for eight hours every day. Given that they’re relatively new to the neighborhood and both work full-time jobs, they don’t feel it’s their place to say anything. But they definitely spend time every evening discussing whether moving to the suburbs for the relaxed lifestyle and family values was a good idea after all.
Metacomment: as a mudge who was once that weird kid (Aldomania, baybeeee!!) I sincerely hope there IS some weird kid here who reads soap opera strips ironically. In the year of our meddler 2026 it’s gotta be one of the most hipster things out there. Live your dreams, weird kid.