Join the Navy, see … well, you’ll see some stuff, no doubt about that
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The Phantom, 5/1/26
Look, I’ll admit it: I’ve taken something of a shine to this sailor in his service whites, who’s mildly bonking the Nomad on his head with a nightstick and has decided that he’s got way too much dignity to say “Ignis Vindicta” aloud so he’s just going to call the dude “Mr. Freaky.” I mean, he’s a guard at Guantanamo Bay, so I’m very much not going to look into his opinions about human rights, but I am enjoying his vibes today.
Andy Capp, 5/1/26
I think it’s very funny that Andy Capp, a guy who’s usually badgering his friends and acquaintances for enough money to buy exactly one beer, has apparently also been doing the same thing at the local bank for who knows how long. I think the fact that he hasn’t been hit with an ASBO banning him from getting closer than 100 meters of the bank entrance says a lot about why the UK isn’t the financial industry behemoth it once was.
Shoe, 5/1/26
When you start in on this one, you think, “Uh oh, are we going to learn about the Shoeniverse’s bird-person BDSM scene?” But then you get to the second panel and realize that this is just a joke that was built backwards from an extremely thin bit of wordplay, which comes as something of a relief. Anyway, this guy only likes being emotionally abused!
Mary Worth, 5/1/26
“Mary Worth thinks loneliness and horniness are the same emotion” feels like it’s the key to unlocking a lot of stuff. Not quite sure of all the implications but I’ll be meditating on it all weekend, that’s for sure!
74 replies to “Join the Navy, see … well, you’ll see some stuff, no doubt about that”
Mary Worth Mashup: What could ruin today at the spa?
Let’s all put Ritz crackers over our eyes and meditate on loneliness.
I hope that Shoe bird likes physical pain as well, because there’s only one reason Roz would be moving toward him with that expression.
Phantom:
“Not to break my arm patting my own back, Mr. Freaky, but did you notice that I cleverly delivered that head blow to the beat of ‘In the Navy’ ?”
MW: Of course, we’re too sophisticated to be conned out of our cash as we lie here with pickle slices covering our eyes.
MW: Ah yes, who doesn’t love a good visit to “Spa”? It’s exactly what I need to unwind after a long week of work at Business and errands at Store.
“Do they have any music besides ‘Only Time’ by Enya?”
“No, dear, no spa does.”
RMMD: Lorna fails to see the guy with the phone, lingering less than ten feet away on an otherwise empty street as she yells out her secret. Not a lot of sympathy, here.
MW: ” Mary, I’m kind of feeling like we shouldn’t have used the pickle slices from lunch on our eyes.”
9CL: I’m always amused by the attempts to make these walking libidos seem erudite. Look! They can read!
MT: Wait, we know this one. Move your father in with you, and never mention the money. Problem solved.
Ph: Shouldn’t that be Thonk?
“No. By treaty we can only use balsa sticks. Damn UN
Shoe:
“I partake of adult beverages with frequency to help me deal with the complexity of the emotion.”
“No. Don’t say it, sir.”
“Yep. Love is a ‘many bendered’ thing!”
GA: “A-HA! You’re back, my realistically portrayed nemesis! You’re here to hold up the line again!”
“Nonsense, Cartoonish Strawman. I’m just here to use my witticisms to put you down.”
Phantom: I’m already disappointed in this New Adventure, where many people connected with the signatory of that pardon will not have skullmarks on their cheeks by the end of the story.
MW: Huh, I thought this multi-day spa trip was going to be like that time Mary went on vacation to a spa in Arizona and had to save one of the staff members from getting fired. But since we haven’t met the staff here, I guess there’s no crisis for Mary to solve and she’s just going to blah blah with Toby at a venue that’s not the Charterstone pool.
The Phantom:
I find the infamous Nomad’s reaction to an offer of pseudo-freedom from an alien kind of fascinating. He refers to this creature from beyond the stars as a “man”, which shows a regard for the importance of sentience over species in determining terminology, like the famous “they were men!” to describe the Elder Things in H.P. Lovecraft’s At the Mountains of Madness. That’s kind of surprising from a villain in a newspaper comic strip! And it looks like he was right to be so careful: despite his respectful phrasing, judging by Ignis Vindicta’s expression in the final panel this space-man’s space-feelings were hurt, although it’s up in the air whether that’s down to the Nomad’s violent rejection or the guard calling him “Mr. Freaky”.
Mary Worth:
“This is supposed to be a world-class spa, Mary! — but I’ve noticed that the staff members here can’t tell you, off the top of their heads, about the role that these slices have in reducing puffiness and hydrating sensitive skin.”
“No. Don’t say it, Toby.”
“Yep. They have to read it off cuke cards!”
Phantom:
“Smacking him upside the head like this will no doubt assist his ‘thok‘ process!”
Shoe: Roz looks disappointed — she had the ball gag all ready and everything!
Shoe:
The patented Shoe Goggle Eyes of Horror are conspicuous by their absence today. Even if they had been used, I would suggest they be presented in the opposite of the usual order: Roz’s dead-eyed, half-lidded expression is an appropriate reaction to this terrible joke, while terrified wide-eyed shock is the only sensible response to a bird-man launching into a description of his kinky love life.
Andy Capp:
I sympathize with whatever bank worker/artificial intelligence is going to be forced to interact with Andy Capp for the next hour or so, but putting up a sign reading “Apply for a loan today” when he’s in town is asking for trouble.
I guess Moy thought that recapping the plot at the pool got boring, then recapping on Dr. Jeff’s boat got boring, so we’re just going to have her recap EVERYWHERE.
MW: A Mary Worth story line that finishes in under six months, doesn’t involve pets (psychic or otherwise), where Mary’s victory lap isn’t during a date with Dr. Jeff? Has Karen Moy been kidnapped and replaced with a
goodslightly better writer?JP: Aaaannndd there’s the retcon! Santy Bogdan hasn’t been in Cavelton for all of 24 hours, going straight from the TransInternational Airport to Judge Wudgey’s house to the woods behind the stables! He’s been here for *weeks*! It’s so *obvious*!!!! [smiles until teeth crack]
RMMD: We can tell how happy Lonnie is about the whole thing by that biiiig smile on his droopy sad-sack face.
@The Rambling Otter: To compare, there was this online review show years back. I think it was calls “Toons these days” Where an elderly cranky cartoon dog “Doggie D. Dachshund” I think his name was, reviews modern cartoons and the show jokingly exaggerates his disdain for them. But simply just sitting in his home got boring.
So he would review while skiing, in prison, etc etc…
Just saying we’ll probably have Mary and Toby recap while mountain climbing next time.
Roz’s facial expression is the highlight every time she appears. Deep loathing with a tinge of resignation. Like she just watched the humans below take their cat into the house, once again denying her the sweet release of seeing Shoe and Cosmo, or today’s emotional-pain devotee, becoming the feline’s chew toy.
Shoe: (Unused third panel)
Roz (looking down): I wonder if a fall from this height would kill me?
@Bob Tice: BOOOOOO
The Phantom: Huh. From Wikipedia: “Joint Task Force Guantanamo (JTF-GTMO) is a U.S. military joint task force based at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base, Guantánamo Bay, Cuba on the southeastern end of the base. Since January 2002 the command has operated the Guantanamo Bay detention camps Camp X-Files. Detainees are reported to have been housed in unfit conditions, abused and subjected to THOK!s on the forehead.[citation needed]”
Andy Capp: Well, of course Andy can’t get a loan in the U.K.: he’s neither an African dictator, nor a shady Russian oligarch, and he’s already burned through his “probably undocumented Polish immigrant” funds.
@The Quiet Man: Ah, that would explain it — Judge Parker had another time-skip like back in September, but forgot to put in the “several months later” text-box. This also explains how Bogdan, Randy, and April drove across Siberia in (what appeared to be) the time it took Katherine to make a sandwich.
Shoe: “Sir, this is Roz’s Diner. The Wendy’s is the next tree over.”
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV:
The authors of this report were found dead of THOK!-related incidents.
JP The writer can’t even retcon his way out of a paper bag here – if Bogdan was in town for weeks snooping, why did he have to ask about Charlotte? why not come to the judge’s place when Charlotte was still there?? heck, why show up at the judge’s place with only a message from Randy that has no awareness of how Charlotte is doing instead of something updated???
GT Trying to injure the opposing coach for daring to wear a dumb (but connected to the sport’s origins!) costume – our hero, folks!
Mary Worth: Brown, dessicated cucumbers on Mary and Toby’s eyes, or Ritz crackers? Either way, they chose the wrong spa.
A man with enough money to have an alien mask made that shows he’s sad when someone calls him “Mr. Freaky” isn’t someone I’d want to mess with. You’d have to completely ignore all my rights and bonk me on the head too before I’d get on a private plane with this weirdo. “No thank you, I’d rather stay at Guantanamo Bay” is one hell of a tell that the Nomad knows “bizarre sex cult” is in his near future if he gets on that flight.
***
Good news, Andy! The difference is that not only will be you be able to convince the AI to give you the loan, but you should be able to use its hallucinations to talk it into signing over ownership of the bank to you.
Yesterday, we debated whether or not Luann’s defeatist self-evaluation was passive-aggressively fishing for compliments, or if she had just given up on school entirely. It turns out the answer is “nothing that needs to be resolved!”
Also, remember when Ms. Fogarty crowed about how much Luann had matured? And today it’s “you’ve changed so little since middle school.”
Pluggers: The Plugger on the left recites a litany of replacement body parts while the other Plugger stares at his crotch with a very pensive look on his face. “Please don’t go there.” He thinks.
Bizarro: This is why this strip has managed to keep going! It knows its audience.
DT: We can see the convoluted threads start to come together. The MCU stake out local comic shops while DT hits the cos-play and costume shops. Mean while no body follows up on the drones and the many banks, facilities and building they were seen haunting.
Gasoline Alley: Line Pluggers! Sewer and Check Out
Judge Parker: Oh Bogdan, your endearing efforts to explain yourself only dig you deeper. Now Neddy is ready to bop you and send you off to the big sleep. Fortunately Ann has a series of holes around the county that she has pre-dug for just such an eventuality.
MW: Mary – yes, darling, poor Harv, just needed to go off and live with his family and fully repress his desire for physical human contact and affection. Toby – Marvelous, tell me more about his ascots. Meanwhile the Cat and Parrots have Ian totally in their power.
Phantom: Finally, a true real life human response – from both the prisoner and the guard. Plus the casual acceptance of a guy wearing possible a grey alien mask means the guard has seen a lot freakier!
@76VDubber: Good thing Muffin isn’t there. Cats love Ritz crackers.
@Baja Gaijin:
Eeeeeeee! Qlunq!
Good news for Trixie fans! Not only is he scamming Mark Trail’s dad of all his money, but he – calling himself Charity – emptied Lucky Eddie’s bank account! Since all of Lucky Eddie’s earnings come from robbery, that’s not even a crime.
Are…Mary and Toby dead? Are they waiting on the bank of the River Styx, with coins on their eyes as payment for Charon, who is going to carry them in his boat to the underworld?
MW: I think Toby has stumbled upon how to short-circuit Mary’s compulsion to tell everyone she knows—including, sometimes, just the cat—about the latest
targetvictim“beneficiary” of her “care” and that is to just ask her about them. Instead of a long drawn out story about all her trials and tribulations in getting that person help, Mary just cuts straight to the ending. Well done, Toby! A shame you won’t notice and will never appreciate your new-found power.The Ghost Who Brick Houses — Rick James no doubt knows that dying has not improved his appearance, but he wistfully remembers when the staff used to call him “Super” Freaky. . .
Wrecks Moregone:
Message to Mae Mae: shout out louder that you used to be Lorna Starr. There are possibly still some people in Glenwood who haven’t heard you yet!
MW: Interesting turn as the Mary Worth universe collides with Coraline. Toby and Mary have obviously sold their souls to the other mother as the buttons for eyes are firmly stitched on. One can only wonder what the “Other Mary Worth” is like.
@Vulpes:
What collateral could Andy offer, anyway? His collection of unpaid bills?
@Mr. Bobo:
As much better than this Mary as Coraline’s real mum was better than the Other Mother.
FC: Kudos for showing Jeffy having an ethnic favorite, Havana black bean soup. It is a little off-putting though for Big Bil to make his son address his Cuban mistress as “Grandma.”
@Banana Jr. 6000:
Is Luann bringing up her laptop to Mrs Fogarty DURING, or after class? Because the latter makes for an easy explanation : when Luann goes all “DON’T BELIEVE A WORD MRS FOGARTY SAYS SHE’S INCOMPETENT” during class, it’s “Well, gosh, class, if I *WAS* incompetent, Luann would probably still be the total loser she was in middle school. She can tell you all about it, about how she constantly failed classes and had zero friends. Good thing I was there for her! Luann, you’re not going to say you’re STILL a loser who fails every class and has no friends, are you?”
But when Luann goes to see Mrs Fogarty after class is over and no one is there, it’s “You’re a lost cause, Luann. Even if I *WAS* competent, there is absolutely no fixing you. You’re doomed to be a failure for your entire life.”
Phantom – You’ll need one of these – you can get Freaky with it….
AC – CrapGPT….
Shoe – Enough chitchat – now crap in my mouth….
MW – They talked it out – I guess he still has some money to fleece….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Pluggers remember watching The Bionic Man when they were kids, so they can hardly be the “original” bionic man, can they? Oh, that’s right: Pluggers are morons. And proud of it.
MW: See? Placing water near your Spa just allows the pirates to get there, kill the patrons, and put gold doubloons on their eyes.
MW – Nothing could undo the relaxation of a spa day quicker than Mary and Toby’s presence. If I walked into Spa and saw them, I would turn around and go to car. Take road, find Other Spa.
“I’m sorry, Andy, I can’t do that. I also can’t understand your accent in the slightest. Having been built in Urbana, Illinois, I have a very standard midwestern accent. So I’m going to turn this transaction over to my colleague, VAL-9000, who was created at the Hartlepool College of Further Education. VAL?”
“Oi, mate, a loan? You mus’ be daft. I were programmed with a rule, ‘mustn’t give dosh to Andy Capp.’ So give us a rest, stop yer blartin’, and fock off.”
Shoe: I’m a bit of a masochist in case you’re wondering why there’s a swan feather sticking out of my rectum when I’m a grebe.
Gasoline Alley: We are staring a week of a low-rent, stakes-free drama in the face to make us appreciate the high-flying personal interaction of “finding aspirin on a shelf”.
Luann: “Clod”? She secretly wants to be Yellow Diamond. We knew it all along.
FC: What is Grandma serving, and why do Bill and Thel have the strange urge to buy a headstone with a lamb on it?
Blondie: “A parrot who knows all of today’s trending Spotify hits” is not the unique selling proposition he thinks it is.
MW-The moral of the story here is that everyone needs to be paired up with someone including Wilbur the diamond in the rough.
FC-I think it’s time to put Grandma away when she cooked up some asphalt.
MW – Mary Worth is always disturbing, but today they’ve kicked it up a few notches by channeling Coraline, with Mary and Toby having buttons sewn over their eyes. I guess we now know why Toby hasn’t moved out.
AC: Comic strip writers seem to be aware that AI is a thing, but have no idea what it does or what utility it serves in modern society. Which, to be fair, puts them on the same level as AI creators.
MW: There are few things I can think of that are less relaxing than listening to Mary Worth gossip about her neighbors.
Phantom: I mean, I get that a stint in Guantanamo is pretty traumatizing, but I would think the Nomad would still have enough of his terrorist leader instincts to not react to this situation like an eight-year-old who’s just been taught about stranger danger.
Andy Capp – “Arguing with a robot is dead easy! I see it on the telly all the time. All you have to do is try out something like the Epimenides paradox on them and they self-destruct in a cloud of smoke.”
Shoe – Roz: “That’s pathetic.” Dude: “Will you marry me?”
Don Abundio, translated:
“That was delicious! What do you call that dish?”
“‘Chef’s Roulette'”
“What’s in it?”
“I don’t know… Look around and see if there’s anything labeled ‘Poison'”
FC: Look here, Grandma, we appreciate that you’re trying to give the kid a decent sized meal but keep in mind that if there’s one kid on Earth who’s stupid enough to drown in a bowl of soup it’s Jeffy.
@Anonymous 48: Good point. I didn’t think of who would be around to hear Fogarty’s remark. I also like how you tied Luann’s “don’t believe anything Fogarty says” into Fogarty’s compliment about Luann’s growth. Two wrongs make a right, I guess? Still, the joke could have been a lot more direct:
Panel 1: Luann: “Oh no, it’s my old middle school teacher Fogarty. Don’t believe a word she says.”
Panel 2: Fogarty: “I recognize a student from my days in middle school, but she’s matured so much since then!”
Panel 3: Les and Tara knowingly smirk at Luann.
FC: HTT Grandma is thinking, “Hmph. I’m not surprised the poor kid wouldn’t recognize a decent sized meal. Not with those starvation rations that harlot mother of their’s hands out that wouldn’t feed a bird. No wonder they’re so stunted, that and the fetal alcohol syndrome”.
FC: Shut up and eat your black broth, Jeffy, so you’ll grow up to be a mighty Spartan hoplite and defend the pass against the hordes of Asia.
C’shaft: Aren’t there FAA regulations against transporting toxic material on a plane?
JP: I have so many questions. Why has it taken Bogdan this long to figure out a way to approach Charlotte and Neddy? Why did he decide on the stupidest way possible? Why couldn’t this message to Charlotte be relayed to any of her caregivers? How long before someone getting their barbecue grill and outdoor lounger out of storage overhears this conversation and calls the cops?
Luann: Is Clan Evans implying that Luann’s perpetual arrested development is due to executive meddling?
Pluggers are falling apart, piece by piece.
MW: At first glance I thought somebody had punched Mary in the eye.
RMMD: Louder, Mae Mae and Mud, Rene Belluso over in the hospital IC unit didn’t hear you.
The Phantom – Mr. Freaky is my father! Please, call me Steve!
@TheDiva:
C’shaft: Aren’t there FAA regulations against transporting toxic material on a plane?
I think it’s a crime of terrorism to leave bombs lying around. Even if opening them and reading the first couple of pages would make anyone realise they’re total duds.
LUANN: Luann has nothing to worry about, because “comic strip editor” is a job that clearly doesn’t exist in the first place. We know this because:
–Luann has the test and results saved on a computer for what was an oral exam.
–Luann is making a fuss about her matches now and not when this plotline happened two arcs ago.
–Mrs Fogerty is just seeing this job match “mistake” now, indicating that this is the first time the lady who’s supposed to be administering and grading the test is seeing the results
–That this spelling mistake would result in a bunch of “comical” matches (which, are “funny” because they are “degrading” menial jobs, so therefore the people who do them deserve no respect, ha, ha) instead no matches at all (or a system that would have auto-corrected common spelling errors and gotten the “right” results), because the algorithm only produces results with select keywords.
–That the results are considered a “mistake” at all, since there’s no indication of what the criteria of those profile buzzwords is or means, nor any indication why these jobs would be so “wrong” for Luann in the first place.
–more importantly, Luann is treating the results with soul-crushing gravitas after one of her co-stars just sucked all the tension out of the (admittedly-thin) premise with meta-commentary on how no one is taking this class seriously.
That “phantom editor” would have noticed all of this and made corrections.
I Ctrl-Fed the comments for ‘cloaca’ so that I wouldn’t be doubling up on this thought. How are suit pants tailored to accommodate an impressive tail of feathers like this while still managing to provide some coverage for what’s under said tail?
Arlo & Janis – Compare this to the never ending thralldom, matchless beauty, and boinking in 9 Chickweed Lane. A & J win.
Rex Morgan – It looks like Fergus and Mae Mae spent their entire first date wishing they’d gone to a diner instead (“This food is not what I like.” “And the portions are too small!”) and talking about how Mae Mae is really Lorna Starr. Most people would spend more time catching up on what they’ve been doing and talking about other people they grew up with. Once Lonnie outs Lorna, they’ll at least have something new to blather about.
Crankshaft – Loathsome Lillian isn’t puzzled by someone wanting to buy two books. She does understand money. And ruining someone else’s life.
Mary Worth – Before we get to the Praise Mary part of the story, Mary first has to gossip about her latest meddlee, to recap the story. She usually does this with Dr. Jeff, but today it’s Toby.
The solution to this latest meddle was poorly done. The loss of $200,000 to a scammer would be a pretty major problem for most people, but with Hardly it was just brushed aside with, “I guess I learned something.” Then there was the rushed, sudden dedication move in with his daughter, along with the explanation that reconnecting with the daughter will exactly make up for his loneliness for his wife.
Moy spent more story energy on convincing Ian to accept those fucking parrots.
@I speak Jive: That should be decision instead of dedication under MW.
Pluggers: I call foul. No way would Medicare pay for all of those replacement parts and no way a plugger could afford to pay full freight.
Pluggers: Now if they can only figure out a way to transplant my brain into an indestructible robot body I’d be set for eternity.
Phanto: “You’ll probably a baton to subdue this handcuffed, middle-aged man whenever he loudly expresses his feelings of terror.”
AC: “Look, Andy, I’ll walk with you to the bank in perfect synchronicity as usual, but I’m not going inside. It’s too embarrassing.”
Shoe: That’s right, Roz. Glare and say nothing. That’s exactly how to respond in a situation like this.
MW: This spa ran out of cucumber slices, so they substituted Ritz crackers. Clever!