This goes beyond bothersome. I alone am brave enough to call out Heathcliff on his nonsense
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Dick Tracy, 7/6/26
This Dick Tracy storyline isn’t just about the seedy, underground world of hard-core video “gamers”; it also introduces the strip’s readership to advanced cybersecurity and network concepts, like virtual private networks, or “VPNs”, a cutting-edge networking technique that was invented in the early 1990s and is only familiar to such tech-savvy users as “people who work office jobs from home” or “people who want to access offshore gambling sites.” Anyway, the big brains over at the FBI have narrowed down the hacker’s location to somewhere in North America, probably, so this case should be wrapped up in no time.
Heathcliff, 7/6/26
I like the fact that both the dogs and the humans are letting us know, each in their own way, that the vision of Heathcliff on a slug-chariot bothers them. Seeing him (I assume) inch forward agonizingly slowly yet standing tall in triumph unsettles the mind across species. You’ve gone too far into off-putting whimsy this time, Heathcliff. Too far!
68 replies to “This goes beyond bothersome. I alone am brave enough to call out Heathcliff on his nonsense”
Those lines are slack! The slugs can’t be exerting any force! This alone in this strip makes no sense!
Heathcliff:
“He thinks he’s Yul Brynner as The Pharaoh!”
Heathcliff:
” ‘Action’ in this strip always proceeds at a snail’s pace!”
Heathcliff:
“Where are they headed, anyway?”
“To the gastropodpub!”
DT: Not telling the FBI Cyber unit how to do their jobs, but doesn’t that more likely imply the hackers aren’t in North America? Isn’t hiding the country you’re in one of the main applications of VPNs? At least that’s what I’ve learned from the linked Network World article by some guy called *squints* Josh Fruhlinger?!
DT “Of course, like I said, this is all just guessing. Its also possible that someone left the network password on a post-it note on a public place…”
Heathcliff Uh oh, normally there should be a little slug perched on Heathcliff’s shoulder reminding him that he is not a God at regular intervals during his procession. Without that he will surely go mad with power….!
Blondie: LEAVE ROOM FOR JESUS!
That’s a rare Heathcliff that actually makes sense, the joke being that Heathcliff has chosen to mock the dogs who are powerless to chase him by making the slowest possible triumphal progress, and they have to ruin it by adding that guy making a comment on it. What’s his problem, anyway? Is he just that big of a dog lover?
Heathcliff: “I’ll get the salt”
MW: ‘Heed my warning!’ ‘Munch my shorts!’*
RMMD: Tonight’s awkward hand gesture by special guest Lady Fingers from ‘The Addams Family’.
CS: We’re STILL going with this???
S4th: You know, Ferris Bueller was an asshole who needlessly got his ‘friends’ in trouble to satisfy his own raging ego, just a few ‘endearing quirks’ away from being Wilbur Weston. Sure that’s who you want to be name dropping here, Ces ol’ boy?
Ph: This is some hardcore wish fulfilment here.
*Tip of the hat to Mike and the Bots.
DT: I like the FBI has ruled out the possibility that someone outside North America is using a North America-based VPN, even though ads for VPNs often tout this as a feature (“get around country-level blocks on streaming sites!”)
CS: Papa Dinkle may have died, but this story hasn’t yet.
Pluggers: There’s no way that Plugger picked up that shell without dropping to his knees, using a grabber tool, or asking his wife/grandchild to do it.
Heath: Guy stops teasing dogs into a frenzy long enough to shit talk Heathcliff. Displaying naked snails in public is a line even he won’t cross.
Dick Tracy:
“So does this show us the technique the hackers used to try to infiltrate the computer system, Fritz Ann?”
“No, Sam. It’s a visual depiction of the tortuous plot lines in Prince Valiant!”
HEATHCLIFF: Not my personal choice for Slug Czar, but he thought of it first, so enjoy the ride, Heathie.
MW: And so begins Wilbur’s new gig as The Oracle of Charterstone.
RMMD: I’m hearing everything they say in Edward G Robinson’s voice, see?
H&L: Pretty pathetic, Ditto. You bring shame to mischievous kids everywhere.
MW: It’s probably foolish to rely on the artwork, but Tommy’s expression in the second panel looks more “I’m going to burst in there and give him a piece of my mind” than “aw gee life sucks I’ll go use some drugs”.
Heathcliff:
“He’s recently taken up baseball, and he thinks that this is a way of increasing his slugging percentage!”
DT: Fritz Ann has broken out the 3DBB.
DT It’s possible the writer’s misunderstanding of VPN basics is from learning about them from infographics as void of actual facts as the background one. “The internet is… atomic! with _tunnels_! between, uh, hidden _computers_! I’m sure I can trust 1st gen AI renders to teach me accurate info, just like its graphics have alerted me to the plague of mangled 6+-fingered people sweeping the globe!”
Luann Bernice, that is *not* helping. Please quit giving introverts a bad name.
@Banana Jr. 6000: CS: Papa Dinkle may have died, but this story hasn’t yet.
Some might say it died a couple weeks ago. It certainly stinks badly enough.
DT – By my green candle! The FBI has overlooked the biggest clue to the hacker’s whereabouts. Ubusoft’s best-selling game “Merdre! (Le Jeu Pataphysique)” is set in Poland — that is to say, nowhere.
That’s fantastic news about The Enthusiast. I’ve been a big fan of Josh’s work for ages and this sounds like a really interesting project.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Doctor Marcus, there’s someone who wants to meet you”
“Don Abundio, this is Doctor Marcus, the chiropractor”
“A pleasure, Doctor! I just have a few quick questions for you”
Pickles – What happened to Earl’s moustache?
spamscam at #21
(wow this time the hover-text includes Korean characters)
@StripReader: Say, you’re not by any chance accessing the internet by means of a “VPN” based in North America, are you?
The colorist disembodied Heathcliff’s tail, but visually, it’s kind of interesting?
Dick Tracy: Sigh. Fritz Ann is right: life was much simpler when the internet was just a vast series of tubes and all you had to do to stop the bad guys was clamp off the right one. Or shoot them in the head, that would work too.
@Pozzo: Tennessee Tuxedo will NOT fail! Unfortunately, all they’ve got is Sam Ketchem in a red bowtie and gren suspenders.
“But,” she continued “it’s also possible the hacker could be from anywhere in the world. With my VPN it brings up a whole map of the world and you can pretend to be from almost anywhere. Kinda the whole point of a VPN when you think about it. So tell Mr. Tracy we don’t have ****”
@Peanut Gallery: Dick Tracy’s been looking for an excuse to break out the decerebrator.
Also Dick Tracy: Yes yes, the grasp of internet technology is dated and the schematic is massively oversimplified (what the hell is an internet “tunnel”?). But what did we expect from crime fighters dressed in pearls and bow ties?
DT — “The hacker might be too.”
OK, that statement contained absolutely no new informational content–kind of like when CNBC says a stock might go up or a sports show jock says the Chiefs might win the Super Bowl.
I agree! Heathcliff has gone too far into off-putting whimsy this time! Also, that woman in the background really needs to get checked out for chronic venous insufficiency, those ankles are looking mighty swollen!
Luann: Borenice could join OnlyFans, but no one would watch.
Anyway, she has all sorts of options. Go running! Buy a bike! Get a fucking JOB. Take up gardening. Start an affair w/Mrs. DeGroot, it seems like she’s been grooming you for awhile now.
Anything other than the whining.
That chart is clearly naming the culprits as “Charles Ettinger” and “Mike Curtis” (this comic and its bizarre made-up names really put a strain on its believability) so go arrest those ne’er-do-wells!
***
While Dick Tracy’s slugging faces and putting a stop to crime, Heathcliff’s facing slugs and taking his sweet time.
Also Heathcliff! What, no laurel crown? No army marching behind him, no captives, no picta toga or white oxen to sacrifice to Jupiter? At least Heathcliff got the four horses, er, slugs right. Truly, the most half-assed triumphal procession every, which just rubs the salt in that much deeper. (And takes care of the slugs once you reach the Capitoline temple to boot.)
Are we sure this is really Heathcliff? There’s no way that black-and-orange menace would celebrate slugs, not when he could put his own face on his chariot.
MW: Somehow, “Heed my warning, Dawnie” is the most unnatural thing any human has ever said in this strip. And considering the gems Mary Worth has given us in the past (“Gram loved color,” “Since we work out together, you already know about my progress with strength training,” “It’s up to the individual to comply or not,” and “Chicken cutlet sandwiches, assorted sides, and a variety of soft drinks!” to name a few), that’s truly saying something.
Heathcliff: I need someone to animate this so that Heathcliff and his slugs are barely moving, while the DISRESPECT YOUR SURROUNDINGS portion of “Mr. Highway’s Thinking About the End” loops in the background.
@Ukulele Ike,yyT: Mostly I remember Ernie Anderson as voiceover for ABC Television, especially for “The Looooooooooooooove Boat!”
From yesterthread…..
@I speak Jive, yyRMMD: Beatty likes and needs his villains to be idiots.
And I was wrong. It’s upscale Jordan’s, not the diner. Now I’m bored. Back to MT. At least we may see Happy punch out Mark.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: A super advanced VPN – they aren’t just logging in from Korea, they’re logging in from 2015!
DtM: “You were a kid once, right?” Asks Dennis. Wilson checks through back issues.
“Nope. Apparently I’ve always been this old.”
“Ah” says Dennis. “Score one for the mature earth theory.”
DT: “Or you know, literally anywhere else, since one of the neat things about the Internet is you can access services provided in other countries.”
Heath: Eh, doesn’t bother me a bit. The entire Northern Hemisphere experiencing a heat wave, governments trending towards fascism, the Wheel of Time series not being renewed, those things bother me! Heathcliff riding a slug chariot? It’s not even in the top ten of weird things he’s done.
UNPOPULAR OPINION ALERT: “The internet is a series of tubes” is far from the worst analogy an elected official has used to describe technology they don’t understand.
MW: If Tommy goes on in and beats Wilbur like Sarge beating Beetle, a lot of sins will be forgiven, Karen Moy.
Gil Thorp—-I already miss the guest artists.
MW:
“There’s an arsehole behind that peephole,” muses Tommy, invoking the literary device of internal rhyme.
C’shaft: He WANTS us to beg for Batton Thomas to come back, doesn’t he?
Dustin: “It sounds like the sort of place that lures people in with promises of good pay but doesn’t reveal that’s a rare and nearly impossible to achieve high end, giving the vast majority of its workers sub-living wages and treating them in a frankly abusive manner.”
FG: Wow, the Sky Kingdom has a Runyonland too, who knew?
Luann: ….Seem like?
MT: I wouldn’t have gone with the Monopoly-themed wedding, but you do you, Papa Trail…
MW: Tommy doesn’t look disheartened so much as indignant. “Wilbur Weston thinks he can decide if I’m good enough to hang around his daughter? WILBUR FREAKING WESTON, the guy who has failed at literally every conceivable life metric? THAT Wilbur Weston?”
“North America, eh? I’ll cover the ground from the Darién Gap to Nome. Sam, you’ve got Key West to Cape Columbia in Nunavut. We’ll use the Rockies as our East-West dividing point.”
“Hardly fair, Tracy, that leaves a lot more land for me.”
“Yeah, but the terrain’s easier. Let’s move!”
Meanwhile, in Greenland, the villain chuckles at Dick’s lack of knowledge about the extent of the North American tectonic plate.
I’m not certain which would be more in character for Heathcliff.
Playing an epic rock song (maybe something by Queen) to further express his triumph?
Or something horrifically lame and stupid because he deliberately wants to annoy people?
@TheDiva: On CS – That’s tomorrow, when he and Ol’ One Arm are revealed to be among the crowd and take over the event. ‘Say, you’re just like that one character in my famous comic strip ‘Three O’Clock High’ by me, Batton Thomas! Whatta co-winky-dink! You know, that reminds me of a story about the pen nibs I used to buy…’
@Voshkod: Greenland?!! That settles it, send in the 101st Airborne! We need to claim the 51st state so Tracy has jurisdiction to go in and start blowing up basements to get those hackers! (They have basements in Greenland, right? Eh, who cares…)
@Lauralot: And what’s Wilbur going to do if Dawn doesn’t heed his warning? Pout again? Grieve a dead goldfish again? Stop bathing again? Fake his death again? Give Dawn’s inheritance to a South American dating scammer again? Invite a psycho murderer over again? Okay, maybe Wilbur’s warning is more threatening than I thought.
RMMD-They can’t dine and dash because the only other choice is the hotel restaurant.
MW-“Oh, Tommy. What a pleasant surprise. We were just talking about you.”
Crankshaft-“We didn’t come willingly. You’ve got us held hostage.”
GT: “Marco! Come back!”
Wary Morth:
In order to win over Wilbur, Tommy decides to have his ex cellmate stage a robbery at Casa Weston, whereupon he’d burst in and save the day. Unfortunately he falls over his own feet and knocks himself out, whereupon the ex cellmate has to take him to hospital to get his concussion treated. Wilbur decides he was hallucinating the whole thing and overdoses on mayo. The end.
Murky Tail:
Ol’ catfish was the Gail we called her Big Dream
She saw Happy and licked her lips for cream
Put out the gorilla and Murk came for the ride
Too late cause Gail was already the bride
Protested but it went in and out of Happy’s ear
He didn’t want to listen that much was clear
“Step back dad, for she’s the worst!”
“How dare you! Murk I hope you burst!”
Archie:
Arch, Arch, Arch of the Bungle
Rekt as he can be
Arch, Arch, Arch of the Bungle
Watch out on that sea!
Blondie-“Who cares. Dithers is going to beat me no matter what I do.”
Heathcliff is executing felinedom’s ultimate power move over caninedom. Tormenting the dogs by luxuriating in his freedom, knowing that their instincts will cause them to bark endlessly and helplessly. Even better if the cat is also seeking to annoy his family’s asshole neighbors.
MT: Wait, wasn’t this a Popeye arc back in the 70’s?
Popeye’s father falls in love with a local scammer and are going to be engaged.
Popeye says “No, she just wants your money”
I can’t wait for Mark’s Dad to break up with her, then get sued for “Breaking her heart” and end up with a sham trial, and the scammer bribing one of Mark’s friends as the Judge against them.
Wait…. does Mark even have any friends? I mean seriously here.
@CanuckDownSouth: Senator Ted Stevens reminds us it’s just a connected system of connected “intertubes”.
At least Dick Tracy se
Crankshaft – A gentle joke as comic relief. No, wait – comic relief is used to ease the tension from unremitting tragedy. I’m not sure if it applies to never ending glurge and bullshit.
Frazz – No, it’s the one about Mickey Mouse getting a divorce.
Gil Thorp – Ow! My eyes!
Merrill obviously didn’t use her time off to take drawing lessons.
GoComics is down, so I haven’t seen all of the strips on my reading list. I’ll also obey the commenting rules and not make the comment I wanted to make about the melonheads.
MT: “Mark confronts his father over his near nupitals.”
Come’on Rivera you can do better than that.
“Mark forces his father to forgo the festivities due to being fleeced by a fishy felon.”
MW- (Think “Mother” by Danzig) “Wilbur…gonna take your Dawnie out tonight…gonna show her my world…Not about to see your light…but if you’re gonna fuck Belle Batsfrey…then it can’t be very bright…”
@The Rambling Otter: “Touché Otter”
@UncleJeff: I initially read that as innertubes.
Doesn’t make any less sense…
@MKay: Re RMMD – James Cagney works, too. Now I want to see one twin smash a grapefruit in the other’s face.
@Little Guy: Beatty has certainly done a good job of it, if that’s his intention.
@Liam: Re RMMD – Don’t forget Wanda’s diner.
@Anonymous: Sorry, that was me. I’ll try again…
Dick Tracy apparently has the opposite problem that DC Comics had in the 1970s. An aging creative team trying to stay relevant for a new generation of readers, often embarrassing themselves. The VPN explanation looks like the work of a younger creative team trying to accommodate aging readers lacking technological knowledge. Is there any basis for the syndicates’ apparent assumption that their readership is dominated by, well, Pluggers in age and outlook?