Saturday quickies
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Beetle Bailey, 9/12/26
“Yeah, man, I know, I was sitting right here when you ordered it 10 minutes ago. I’m past it now.”
Family Circus, 9/12/26
Look, Dolly, we know that like 75% of your whole deal is that you’re a snitch, but filling your little brother’s head with anti-clerical attitudes is taking it too far. Too far!
Crankshaft, 9/12/26
“Except for the person whose house was on fire. I think they died!”
89 replies to “Saturday quickies”
Mary Worth Mashups: Which of the two linked Missing Final Panels is more disturbing? Note: No Westons in Speedos in linked content.
Beetle Bailey: That pasta looks kinda gross, no? I think the artist is confused about which part of the angel they get “angel hair” from.
BB: That is a plate of cut up hot dogs and strands of hair. The kitchen is sick of Sarge’s bullshit, and they’re willing to fail a health inspection if it gets him to go away.
BB: “I think the pubic hair is a special personal touch by the chef for forcing him to make all the pasta together.”
H&L: Today the strip takes its who-gives-shit attitude to a new level. Not only do you have to know that there is a distinction between standing and permanent water in golf but what exact rule applies should your ball land in either to get the rather tepid punchline.
Mary Worth:
“…I can only imagine how horrible it is to be deceived like that! And I say ‘imagine’ because no human being on earth would ever want to get close to me in the first instance so as to even be in a position to thereafter engage in that kind of deception!”
FC:
“That alb of his appears to be a little on the long side — it looks as if it might need some altaration!”
Crankshaft:
“Were you aware that I starred in ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’ before I took this gig at the pizza place?”
Friday’s Garfield … the joke itself is super solid (modern peeps without internet *would* be desperate, and worse, awkward!), but the *setup* sucks.
So the “wifi” is out, do *none* of them have cell service? Do they all just cheap out and use only wifi calling???
(And no, I’m not saying that I can think of a better setup. But this one has too many questions.)
BB: A disappointed Beetle thought it would be a cute frat-level prank to throw a bunch of pubic hair on Sarge’s food and watch his angry reaction. Instead he thinks; “He’s gonna eat that? Really?”
Beetle Bailey : …when you can’t even draw a plate of noodles….
***********
Crankshaft : despite the flashbacks, Montoni is actually making a direct reference to Pepper calling customers “Flesh bags” and angrily hanging up on them, and what Tony means is that he’s used much heavier slurs while denying customers service, so he’s not impressed on that front.
…Too far?…************
Dustin : EUCALYPTUS? Who has an EUCALYPTUS tree in their backyard? It couldn’t be the more common/relatable BIRCH, which also does the “hey, that tree’s bark is peeling off” thing?
************
Safe Havens : they’re planning to forcibly adopt Palmtop and Browser, what with their “owners” Pam and Alex never being around to take care of them.
I hate to agree with Tony Montoni, but using AI to take pizza orders over the phone is some sick stuff. If I wanted the computer to take my pizza order, I would use the website!
FC:
“He’s going to talk about how people who went to Studio 54 are going to be doomed to perdition!”
“No. Don’t say it, Dolly.”
“Yep. Disco Inferno!”
I know we’re supposed to stop making jokes about Sarge and Beetle’s forbidden love, but why are they on a date?
Beetle Bailey:
“I couldn’t decide.”
“That’s using your noodle!”
Beatoff Bailey – It warms my cockles that the first three (and four of the first 10) comments this morning are about pubic hair. What a great community we have.
MW: “To think of Ian Cameron cheating on his wife…well, that just arches my brows!”
@Baja Gaijin:
I don’t even want to imagine what Mary’s muffin looks like. So.
Dolly is the reincarnation of Spanish Civil War communist leader Dolores Ibarruri (La Pasionaria), is she, then?
BB – You have to admire a waiter who’s so committed to the flow of a joke that he awkwardly starts his sentence with a prepositional phrase instead of putting at the end like a normal person.
Wary Morth:
“If Toby doesn’t believe it, I know just what to do!”
“You mean, kidnap her until she sees reason?”
“Yes! Do you think anyone can see through these disguises and realise we’re the runaway twins from Wrecks Moregone, MD?”
To be fair, I think whatever that thing is on Sarge’s plate wouldn’t look quite so disturbing if the syndicate daily-strip colorist had chosen a lighter, more yellow shade.
Imagine your house burns down, and the worst part of your night is the Montoni’s pizza you get afterwards.
FC: Uh… that minister is clearly Daddy Keane. What kind of weird, sexless, zero charisma cult is this?
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
The etymology of the phrase “cockles [of one’s heart]” has always fascinated me, because we know a “cockle” to be a small, edible marine bivalve. The first usage of the phrase is believed to be in a 1671 English satirical publication, and the use of “cockles” is believed to be a playful corruption of the Latin cochleae, the medical term for aortic ventricles.
None of this, of course, has any remote bearing whatsoever on your arch commentary here. But I feel that one of the huge advantages of being in this august commenting community is that we are constantly educating one another.
FC: Maybe the clergyman will talk like the minister in The Princess Bride “Wuv… Twue Wuv!”
The original novel said that everyone found him funny but were just too polite to laugh at him.
Are the Keene family Catholic or Episcopalian? I feel like Josh addressed this before.
FC:
“Psst. He’s wearing purple liturgical vestments, and it’s not even Advent or Lent yet. I call fake!”
Crank: About offering Pizza to one whose house is burning down.
To compare gags, may I indulge in a bit of Mystery Science Theater 3000? The film Soultaker where the protagonists in the hospital while their ghosts(?) were trying to get to the hospital to jump back into their bodies, while being stalked by the angel of death.
One scene had the female leads’ parents in the hospital, crying while holding cups of soup.
Crow: It’s “Your daughter dies you get a free cup of soup” night!
While as always Batiuk is just slightly awkwardly off the mark when it comes to humor.
BB: It’s pasta; it all tastes the same, and frankly I don’t even know why you’re getting any at all because chicken Parmesan is not a pasta dish.
C’shaft: Tony doesn’t understand why you need AI to provide soulless, incompetent work; he’s been doing that for decades!
JP: Uh, Neddy? You *might* want to clarify that last remark…
Ph: I can’t *wait* to hear how this is all part of Schmelon Schmusk’s plan and he now has Stripeypants right where he wants him.
RMMD: In other words, yes, it IS your fault you doddering old man!
FC: Wow, look at that old fiddle-back chasuble. Either this one dates back to pre-Vatican II, or the Keane kids are attending a heretical Lefebvre-ite church.
Gasoline Alley, a century old plus legacy strip,, has a misspelled “paked” in a word balloon today. It’s the most interesting thing they’ve had since the end of July.
The Lockhorns have a canonical anniversary date? It launched September 9th, 1968! I actually think that’s pretty neat, provided this is on purpose. Can anyone confirm that?
Pluggers never went passed algebra, which means they didn’t take calculus and can forget about sigma, ergo that sigma male stuff. Sometimes is good not to keep up on the latest.
MW: Isn’t the “Mrs. Kravitz” snooping neighbor type supposed to be laughed off by everyone else one the sitcom?
FC: Today’s fantasy element isn’t that Dolly is paying attention in church, but that the Keanes are third-pew material. They are a family which screams “twentieth row”.
H&L:
1) Also, for what he hopes is the last time, Hi reminds Thirsty that “relief” doesn’t mean “you can go urinate behind a tree here”.
2) “Relief? You have to go again? I have a diapered infant at home who has more bladder control than you do!”
DtM misses the mark. If it were Crankshaft or The Lockhorns it’d be, by nature, burnt meat. If it were any other strip with a backyard, like Blondie or H&L we’d get some indication that the meal is ruined.
My guess is that Dennis is too busy complaining about Alice’s casseroles that he doesn’t know what good grilling looks like, and with a reaction like that, why would Henry want to include him?
@Bob Tice:
“That alb of his appears …
That’s one of Maleska’s, no?
Crankshaft-“No this isn’t the Chinese takeaway. You can’t have a number 13 with extra bean sprouts.”
RMMD-“We’ll see the twins again when the writer is out of ideas.”
FC: “Here’s where the blasphemer just makes stuff up”
You have to admire Dolly trying to explain the difference between apostolic and non-apostolic preaching to Jeffy.
BB: Sarge is one of those dicks who shows a pic of his bill online.
“A hundred dollars for a plate of pasta. Can you believe it!!!?”
GT Well yes, if it’s on the internet the sportsball broadcast *could* be experienced all over the world, but I am trying to imagine just how desperate for entertainment some poor Laotian farmer would have to be to tune in to US high school sports – surely they could at least bet on which of some local bugs would land on a window or something?
DtM: Dennis may have a point here. If you need a ladle and not a spatula to remove food from the grill, you’ve probably messed things up.
MW: I’m struck by the way Nelly and Alma look like a couple of Cold War era spies, having a conversation while resolutely staring straight ahead rather than looking at each other. Any minute one of them will say the code phrase “I heard Toby’s parrot rescued them from a Christmas fire” and the other will get up and walk away, leaving a cigarette package with the microfilm.
Dustin: Certain trees, such as the lodgepole pine and yes, the eucalyptus, have seeds which can only be exposed from their casings under extreme heat, and to that end have traits like thin, loose bark–effectively, self-made kindling–that encourage the propagation of wildfires. I find that a fascinating example of nature’s infinite capacity for adaptability, and also an encouraging sign for the near future of Dustin and hopefully the rest of his family.
FG: I mean yeah, a lot of coastal sand tends to be the ground-up remains of coral and other water dwelling species. It doesn’t make Tropica especially creepy.
GT: I mean technically that’s true, even if your analytics show only fifteen people in Milford tuning in…
JP: Huh, maybe Neddy is going to be the one to kidnap Charlotte. Look, can you just give me ONE insane custody battle?
Luann: Then it will be a sanctuary of awkward calm.
MW: If you actually knew Toby you wouldn’t say that.
Phantom: Oh come on, the Ghost Who Imprisons Miscreants has never heard of an ankle monitor?
Pluggers are so, so stupid.
@statler:
Are the Keane’s Catholic or Episcopalian? I can’t speak to the latter, but I think that Catholic priests give their sermons from a pulpit to the right of the altar facing out.
Cranky — Yeah, who has relished the opportunity to exchange a few words with someone taking your pizza order? It’s the highlight of my day!
Don Abundio, translated:
“Great Little Bo Peep costume, Yum Yum”
“Thanks, Veronica”
“And is that little guy supposed to be one of your sheep?”
“No…”
“When has it ever been hard for me to find Don Abundio?”
Apparently the Beat Up Bailey artist thinks Angel Hair pasta is actual pasta, or else Camp Swampy’s Cookie is moonlighting as the restaurant’s chef.
FC: The Keanes worship The Almighty Pencil who drew them into creation and tells them what to do every day, what to say… yet not knowing they who hold the pencil.
Apparently the Beat Up Bailey artist thinks Angel Hair pasta is actual hair, or else Camp Swampy’s Cookie is moonlighting as the restaurant’s chef
What the carp is Beetle eating? Bangers and mash, hold the mash?
The Familliar Mucus: So, Bil cosplays as a priest in the compound church? How long has this been going on?
Look up from your pasta pile, Sarge! Beatle’s doing his Charlie Chaplin fork foot imitation you love!
@Hibbleton:
It sure is. I don’t think that Maleska ever went to “ai,” though — the three-toed South American sloth.
@lynn: Proving that you cannot sleep at joshreads.com, I was coming here to say the same thing.
@But What Do I Know?:
“I’ll be talking to you about liturgical vestments today, folks, for the alb of it!”
@But What Do I Know?: My (Epsicopal) church has the pulpit and lectern reversed from their traditional positioning; I’m sure someone knows the reason for that but honestly I’ve never heard it.
Me, I’m more intrigued by the priest’s vestments. The top part could be a chasuble, but one of a much older make than the poncho-like garments used by most modern clergy. And while purple is certainly a liturgical color, it’s usually a deeper violet or indigo rather than lilac, and at any rate it’s usually limited to Lent–“ordinary time” green is the color for the summer. Maybe it makes sense in whatever weird cult the Keanes are attached to.
The Family Circus: Remind me, which liturgical season do we use the desaturated Union Jack chasuble in again? (Do not remind me. I can get 13 answers, all of them erudite, on Bluesky.)
Mary’s Worst: “Damn it,Jim! I’m a doctor, not a gossiping busybody!”
@TheDiva: Lynn points out above that it’s a fiddleback chasuble, which are uncommon but still in use, mostly by traditionalists. Same for the pulpit and lectern being reversed: it’s unusual, but not unheard of. Don’t know why your church does it, but the Keanes’ parish clearly has to deal with obstructed views due to melon heads.
JP: Neddy needs to get a dog. They’re good.
@The Rambling Otter: FC: The Keanes worship The Almighty Pencil who drew them into creation and tells them what to do every day, what to say… yet not knowing they who hold the pencil.
________________________
Cant be Chuck Jones, he had a sense of humor. R.I.P. Chuck.
LISTS!
– LUANN: 100 ways in which this living arrangement could fail. Begin here.
1.
2.
3.
– JP: Missing persons dept. Either names or descriptions
1. Abby’s half sister (Buttress)
2. Sophs high school half boyfriend
3. All of Ned’s ex lovers
4. Judge Duncan (might be in jail) and son Abby would adopt
5. Aprils grown man adversary
6. April’s grown man adversary’s daughter who protected Char in preschool
7. April’s parents, since they certainly weren’t killed by mere fire.
8. Marie, who should have graduated into social work by now
9. Marie’s husband, who used to be Randy’s partner, Steve I think
10. Corey, the farm manager
11. Corey’s son, Mark, who must be sick of practicing law in China when he should be married to Ned and be partner with Sam.
12. Squirrel from RV
13-20. Other disappeared characters.
“People like the personal touch, always curl your Ls!”
Also The Family Circus: As someone who is preaching tomorrow, this does not fill me with a great deal of confidence. Or maybe it does, who can say? Anyway, I’m speaking to the same nine people in this panel, not counting kids, who have not been seen in the congregation in thirty years, so it doesn’t really matter.
@Bob Tice:
#24. Another inappropriate erudite thought I can’t post elsewhere. *Mnemonic device for Great Lakes used to be HOMES– Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior.
Now it is SHAME. Feel free to pass it on.
@24 Bob Tice: My small, edible marine bivalves are warmed by your comment.
@32 ValdVin: on Gasoline Alley: It’s the most interesting thing they’ve had since the end of July. Of which decade?
@42 GarrisonSkunk: If Cookie were cooking the pasta, it’d be “shoulder hair pasta”, not “angel hair.”
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV:
Here’s an idea. Begin with the proposition, which everyone in the congregation will have to endorse, that there may well be intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, another manifestation of our Creator’s handiwork. Then ask the congregation whether, if there is such intelligent life in the universe, there may be salvation history in that alien civilization; and, if there is, what form that salvation history would take. Then ask the congregation the even more nuanced question of whether there must be salvation history for that other intelligent life form. Finally, ask how anyone who was the efficient cause of that salvation history being accomplished n the alien civilization fits in with the concept of a triune Deity.
You’ll have them eating of your liturgical hand, guaranteed.
P.S. I have actually thought seriously about these questions, and have no earthly — no pun intended — idea what the answers are.
The personal touch can easily be simulated with today’s AI models by the simple addition of “You are an unfunny asshole” to the baseline prompt
@Bob Tice: That sounds like work
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV:
Well, yeah, but you’d be doing the real theological thinkers a service. That’s part of the gig, right? :-)
P.S. I once asked a member of the Orthodox Christian clergy at the church where I worship those questions. His response was, “I do not have time to think about those questions.”
@Bob Tice:
#62. It se Ms to me that for salvation to exist in that alien culture, ensoulment would have to take place.
Which reminds me of yesterday’s comic, “Argyle Sweater”.
@Activist:
1. Tara is lying about not wanting to steal Phil away
2. Tara is lying about being able to pay rent
3. Tara is lying about her family drama not following her
4. The Settler frowns on their tenants bringing weapons inside their appartment (you know, like Tara’s archery gear)
5. The Settler doesn’t allow visitors, at least not as easily as Luann is hoping
6. This change of location lengthens Phil’s commuting time, making it harder for him to see Luann between shifts
7. Tara and Phil’s budget didn’t take PARKING FEES into account
…this is hard, I don’t think I can quite make it to 100, and most of the reasons I listed feel kinda… weak? I dunno.
Beetle Bailey: I really don’t think that’s pasta at all on the plate. Looks more like carrion. Is he serving a plate of roadkill?
Mother Goose: What kind of news report do you think she’s watching? I’d like to think she’s finally been identified for a crime she committed and she’s looking panicked because she knows she’s about to go to prison.
@Activist:
#66 Creation of Adam, is the reference.
Pluggers are baffled when they hear about “X” on the news. They think “X” is still what pornographic films are referred to as. They get all hyped up thinking they are going to see some debauchery and the very frustrated when all they see are some celebrity quotes.
REX MORGAN M.D.: Rene: “They chose the life they find most exciting.”
(cue the “Audience laughs” sign. Wait a full two minutes before it dies down.)
REX MORGAN M.D. (2):Given that the identical nitwits haven’t actually pulled off a con, I don’t think “Grandpa Ollman” has anything to worry about in the long run.
@Baja Gaijin: I dunno. The problem they both face that if Nelly were capable of pleasant sexual ideation, she would give herself an orgasm, and if she were to have an orgasm, she wouldn’t be like this.
Snorkel and Beetle have the most fucked up relationship in comics (eat shit, Lockhorns) so it’s weird to see them going on a perfectly normal date like none of that other stuff ever happened.
***
As someone without religion that whole scene is deeply confusing to me but I’m particularly drawn to that bright red chair. Does the priest have it there for when he gets tired during the sermon?
***
I’m assuming that’s the same guy talking through the entire Crankshaft and he got a nose job to make it much, much bigger because just growing out the moustache wasn’t enough cover that large space between his schnoz and his mouth.
@Hibbleton: Being willing to call your golf buddy out for cheating may mean Hi doesn’t get a cabinet level post, but he needs to feel right about something once in a while.
Anyone else disappointed that the cyclosporiasis outbreak has ended so soon? I was hoping that it would make its way into movie and TV show storylines the same way Covid did. I was looking forward to episodes of TV shows and maybe even newspaper comics where characters get cyclosporiasis and explosive diarrhea.
BB: Do you think this restaurant has incredibly low tables or incredibly tall waiters?
FC:. “This part coming up is bullshit. You don’t have to pay attention to this.”
‘shaft: You read it here first! “Using AI to take phone orders is nice!” says whoever writes Crankshaft now. An endorsement of AI???? On the funny pages?????? I’m shocked and chagrined.
Beetle Bailey: I’ve observed it before but it always amazes me that Josh stopped making his jokes about Beetle and Sarge being gay lovers. I mean, I get WHY he probably stopped it, but also the comic keeps doing stuff like today where Beetle and Sarge are literally going out on a romantic dinner date together.
Family Circus: Dotty once again plays with fire by all but openly criticizing the ruling clerical caste of the Keane Kompound’s insular society. She should know better, given what they used hammers to do to her right leg the last time they caught her doing that. She still walks with a limp…
Crankshaft: I see that Tom Batiuk is trying to actively out-smug the tech-bro morons behind the “AI” fad, a hefty challenge considering how self-absorbed and smarmy those egotistical idiots are. He’s already making a game effort with stuff like the Batton interviews, but Batiuk won’t truly reach their level until he’s going on the news or social media to do his equivalent of their current tactic. Deludedly crying about how glorified chatbots, shitty auto-editors and astro-turfing tools are all actually Skynet and are gonna destroy human civilization, but also it isn’t going anywhere we swear and can’t be stopped for some reason so please god please buy it so all the developers don’t go bankrupt by 2028.
What’s up with the saliva drop coming out of Montoni’s mouth? Is “personal touch” pizza joint code for “Don’t forget to spit into the pizzas?”
@matt w: Calling is what you do after you’ve filled out 3/4 of the web form only to have the chatbot window pop up and force a browser refresh. I mean hey, once you know about Pepper’s laser, what’s to stop you showing up with a mirror?
Beats-Me Bailey: While everyone’s noted the hairy pasta, no one’s mentioned the bald waiter. When this joint says they give the food their ALL . . .
@Bob Tice: “….no pun intended….”
You’re kidding, right?
FC:
“Now, listen carefully, Jeffy! — he’s about to tackle the great filioque controversy!”
@Ukulele Ike:
As Little Billy Goat Gruff famously said to his compatriots Middle Billy and Big Billy, “I kid you not!”
@Ukulele Ike: He can’t help himself, it’s as natural as breathing.
@Tabby Lavalamp: “….that whole scene is deeply confusing to me but I’m particularly drawn to that bright red chair.”
That’s the whore chair.
For whores.
— Thanx and a tip o’ the hat to Josh Fruhlinger, and FOOB
Mary Worth:
“She’s a beautiful young woman!”
“Well, until she opens her mouth and tries to utter a sentient thought!”
Beetle Bailey:
I appreciate the waiter of this Italian restaurant going to the trouble of growing a super-stereotypical mustache to really sell the Old World atmosphere for an authentic Italian restaurant experience, because the blank existential void decor certainly isn’t going to do it.
LUANN: Tara: “My nonexistent source of income pays rent on time, I swear!” (I swear this comics exist on a parallel earth where federal UBI has been signed into law, because that’s the only way anything in this arc makes a lick of sense.)
LUANN (2): Sigh. Luann, Tara got kicked out of Moony U and she got kicked out of the Fuze that you had her squat in after she left the place unlocked and her cousin ransacked your mom’s place of business and cost you your position as a teacher’s aide without a care for who that’ll effect and she essentially models her life after a 90’s Mountain Dew commercial.
What I saying is that she totally sounds like a person that’s going to a drama-free sanctuary of calm.
LUANN (3): Incidentally when did Luann become Tara’s potential landlord? That must be what happened because I can figure out why that would be any of Luann’s business or concern otherwise.
Oh wait, more than 2 people appeared on panel and Luann got displaced in her own comic again and this is just her desperate stab to insert herself into an unrelated conversation to assert her non-existent relevance. I get it now. My bad.
If I’m ever at an Italian restaurant and the waiter or menu or anything refers to that dish as “chicken parm,” I am gone. Immediately. That is the WASP-iest thing I’ve ever heard.