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Ziggy, 1/17/09

I was about to launch into an ill-conceived tirade about Ziggy shamelessly pandering to America’s still-endemic anti-Italian prejudice with this repulsive caricature; however, I soon realized that this hirsute, mustachioed fellow is probably supposed to be Ziggy’s tormenter, the cruel, sadistic proprietor of the deli he frequents. The thuggish cook has put on a greasy fake wig and ludicrous Super Mario Brothers-style mustache just to show his contempt for the Italian people. (My proposed term for this act of hate is “oliveface.”) Since this racist bastard has been established as a nonsympathetic character, this cartoon is not prejudiced against Italians but is actually cogently commenting on anti-Italian prejudice. My proposed Order of the Sons of Italy-led boycott against Ziggy will have to wait for another day.

Dick Tracy, 1/17/09

So, to summarize: Dick Tracy, who is a prominent law enforcement official, is living right up the street from this explosion-happy professor, knows where he lives, has a wife who has entered into some kind of business arrangement with him, etc. Meanwhile, the CIA is on the trail of the guy, and rather than check with other law enforcement agencies, plans to implement an enormously expensive and completely impractical technical method to find him. In other words, this Dick Tracy storyline is the strip’s most shockingly realistic yet.

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Mark Trail, 1/9/09

“Dear Penthouse: I never thought this would happen to me, but one day I came home from a long trip early in the morning, with my dog Andy, and found my wife with both of her hands touching another lady! Andy is a St. Bernard! The lady who isn’t my wife was blonde, and my wife was wearing her robe! They leaped away from each other when I came in, and yet it still made me feel funny, somehow, as if I were seeing something unlawful! Andy sure is a good old dog! That’s why I take him on trips, instead of my wife! Later, my wife told me she had changed her hair, but I didn’t notice. I hope you print my letter! Sincerely, Mark Trail.”

Dick Tracy, 1/9/09

The current Dick Tracy plot is only just getting underway, but since it revolves around Tess attempting to market a Dick Tracy line of cosmetics, it may already the strip’s most laughable yet, since the Dick Tracy brand mostly consists of his impossibly square head and cheerful fascism. It’s appropriate that the final panel juxtaposes the phrase “doesn’t smell right” with a flaming house in which a scientist has just accidentally immolated himself, as the Dick Tracy cologne will smell mostly of seared human flesh.

Marmaduke, 1/9/09

When Marmaduke viciously claws at the eyes of random passersby, blinding them, his owner refers to his violent acts as “kisses.” I shudder to imagine her home life.

Oh, yes! Don’t forget:

(Thanks to Uncle Lumpy for the graphic! And vote for Ces and Medium Large, too!)

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Dick Tracy, 12/14/08

Dick Tracy has moved on from the “lives shattered and corpses mangled” section of the storyline to the “valuable lessons learned” portion. Liz’s ham-handed soliloquy — “Yes, Tracy, robots have a place in police work” — sounds like the sort of self-congratulatory statement you’d hear when someone in an after-school special overcomes terrible prejudice, though in this case that prejudice is against improbable, l33t-speaking robots that despite their crime-fighting value will have only occasional appearances in future installments of this strip.

Meanwhile, in typical Dick Tracy mangled-time fashion, the final panel of the last three strips has consisted of Diet Smith offering then refusing to help Dick’s wife over the phone. This is unfortunate, because it has forced us to repeatedly look at the inventor’s grotesque baby-like face.

Beetle Bailey, 12/13/08

Say, what’s more embarrassing than having only three comics acknowledge your 90th anniversary? Having a fourth add its own feeble contribution nearly three weeks after the fact, of course! That 19-day gap is, to the best of my knowledge, shorter than the lead time for strip publication, so it’s not like Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Enterprises LLC saw those tribute strips on November 24 and suddenly lurched into action, but I can’t offer an alternative explanation for this delayed tribute. Perhaps there’s some dispute as to the actual launch date of the strip back in the mists of time, and we’ll be seeing tributes to Gasoline Alley’s continued zombie existence dribbling out over the comics pages for weeks to come.