Post Content

You know what one of the problems of working for the Man is? You can’t tell the Man, “Oh, I’m sorry, I know I said I’d be available to write a bunch of Webcast scripts on short notice, but I don’t think you understand just how wacky Mary Worth is right now.”

Stupid Man.

Anyway, without further ado, I present to you: Mary Worth’s five stages of grief.

1. Startlement

2. Weepiness

(Wait a minute, he gave them to her … on their wedding night? Ew! I mean … ew! Must … not … visualize … Mary Worth’s … wedding night…)

3. “If I can’t see it, maybe it won’t be true”

4. Rage

(John Voight is Mary Worth!)

5. Blank-eyed numbness

And of course, there’s the corollary: Rita’s five stages of keeping her drunk ass from being thrown out on the street.

1. Drunkeness

2. Drunken slack-jawed incomprehension

3. Drunken self-justification

(Whew! Thank God you’re all right. We were worried there for a minute.)

4. Drunken begging for forgiveness

5. Drunken eagerness to please

Where’s denial in all this, you may ask? Well, over in Mark Trail, we’re learning that denial ain’t just a river in the Lost Forest:

Boy, I can’t see anything going wrong in this scenario. You know, there’s an awful lot of Mark Trail-ian sins I’ll be able to forgive if this storyline ends with El Presidente here gone completely mad, foaming at the mouth and lashing out insanely with inhuman strength at anyone with the misfortune to cross his path. It’ll be just like the end of Their Eyes Were Watching God — though there won’t be any black people, this being Mark Trail and all. Actually, I suppose his lackey’s scheming wife might beat the doomed lunatic to death with an oar or something, saving everybody and clearing the way to that suburban split-level ranch for the evil couple. It would be the perfect crime! Except for all the biting.

Post Content

Mark Trail, 6/18/05

Has Jack Elrod gone soft? I’ve been saving Mark Trail for what I was sure would be the climactic, triumphant punch today, and instead I get more standin’ around and jawin’. Goddamn it, Elrod, I want fisticuffs! Maybe the middle panel is supposed to be symbolic: just as the crafty squirrel escapes from the mighty hawk to chew nuts adorably another day, so Crane avoids the righteous right hook of justice for now. At least we get another couple good looks at Bob’s stupid little orange hat, though, which I just can’t get enough of.

Post Content

Mark Trail, 5/24/05

Sadly, it looks as if the current painfully stupid storyline in Mark Trail is going to be resolved not by Mark’s quick fists and utter disregard for the constitutional rights of the accused, but by his tedious and pedestrian knowledge of natural phenomena, which in this case has been augmented by his ownership of a mail-order magnifying glass. Gosh, them magpies sure do like shiny things! Thank goodness they’re probably just flying in great squawking flocks around the collar, rather than, say, picking it up and hoarding it in a nest somewhere. If there were any justice in this world, the birds would be laying an elaborate trap for Mark, luring him to the distant clearing, far from human help, before descending on him and visiting a horrible, painful death upon him with their razor-sharp beaks. The freakishly large woodland animals would look on in silent approval in the foreground.

Meanwhile, check out the funky shading on Mark’s manly, rugged jawline in panel one. Compare to the faces of the dead-eyed zombie sherriff and the insane old hermit from earlier installments:

Looks like somebody got some kind of Acme Shadow-Drawing Kit™ for Christmas!

In shameless hucksterism news, Mike Donovan, who was one of the very first people to ever link to me, is TCC’s latest merchandise model:

Don’t let the visible creases dissuade you from buying this high-quality item of clothing, folks: they come out with just a few hours of vigorous ironing.