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Mary Worth, 10/16/04

Tommy’s gonna be lucky to still be alive by the time campus security arrives on the scene. This angry mob is going to tear him to bits, or at least seriously rumple his Members Only jacket.

I’ve been wrong before, but our “stuff” fiend’s comeuppance looks to be the climax of this ludicrous storyline. As Tommy gets hauled off to the hoosgow, it’s worth recalling that, like the recent Mark Trail sequence, this Mary Worth plot began with romance but ended in violence. Not even the soap opera strips offer a respite from the turmoil that troubles us today.

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Mary Worth, 10/12/04

I’m not sure what’s in that bag, but I’m beginning to suspect that it’s not meth.

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Beetle Bailey, 10/6/04

I should say right off the bat tonight that the current drug-dealing storyline in Mary Worth attracts me so powerfully that it’s taking every ounce of willpower to not do that strip again today. But I know that you, the readers, deserve more variety, so instead I’m going to take on a very serious issue in the comics community: Overly Contrived Setup Syndrome, or OCSS.

OCSS is a humor malfunction that occurs when the author of a comic comes up with a punchline first, then works backwards to create an scenario to set up that punchline. For all I know, this happens all the time, but I would only offer a diagnosis of OCSS when the creaking of the machinery is painfully obvious. Take this Beetle Bailey, for example. The punchline: Sarge whistling because he accidentally ate a whistle — that’s funny! (It’s actually not, of course, but stay with me.) So, um, why did he eat the whistle? I know, because it fell into the stew! But why would it do that? Why would Lt. Fuzz be leaning over Sarge’s stew for it to fall in? That’s a pretty contrived scenario. You see that events become progressively less probable when you consider them in reverse order — a sure sign of OCSS.

OCSS is a symptom of gag-driven strips. Basically, some strips (I would say the better ones) are character-based, which means that the humor is derived … from … the …

Oh, no, I promised that I wasn’t going to do it.

Let me start again. In a gag-driven strip, everything’s about a particular punchline, which means that … it … doesn’t…

Mary Worth … crystal meth … must … resist … argh …

Oh, hell, I give up. Enjoy!

Mary Worth, 10/6/04

You know what they say — the first piece of gum is free!