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Mary Worth, 9/14/04

Oh, man, just when I think the current Mary Worth storyline can’t get any better, it does! I knew that when Mary sniffed the fumes from Tommy’s tokin’ this weekend that fireworks couldn’t be far behind, but I never imagined that she’d be so bitchy about it. The nice old lady that we perhaps all imagined Mary to be would have just sat Iris down and said, “I’m concerned about your son’s drug use.” Instead, she serves tea, makes an oblique reference to the smoke detector, and then, with that “whatever,” slips the knife right in between the ribs. Zing! Hopefully now that Iris the social climber has been humiliated by Charterstone’s main arbiter of status, she and her ex-con son will slink back to the trailer park where they belong.

The other day I was in the locker room at our pool and overheard a conversation between two 7-to-10-year-olds, one of whom claimed to have spied some other people smoking pot. “It smelled like tomato soup!” he asserted confidently. Apparently Mary has a little more drug experience to draw on.

(By the way, I stole the title of this strip from a recurring feature in Tom the Dancing Bug, which is one of my favorite non-daily comics.)

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Mary Worth, 9/3/04

You people don’t understand how hard it’s been this week to maintain my strict adherence to the mission of this blog and not turn it into “I read this current bizarre, drug-themed storyline of Mary Worth so you don’t have to,” because Lord knows, it’s tempting. I thought the strip had reached an absolute pinnacle when evil androgynous meth fiend Tommy fantasized about his very own meth lab, but that was just a warm-up for a temper tantrum in which the young junkie rages at his dead father’s inability to love his mind-altering substances, which he refers to, inexplicably, as “stuff.”

Earlier this week, faithful reader Rebecca O. noted: “Since this Mary Worth meth lab seems to have some staying power, I must opine that the she-man can’t be the object of Wilbur’s attraction’s son. To me, their interaction points to the she-man being a friend of the lady’s son or a son of the lady’s friend. No son would ever think of his mom as ‘you always were soft.’ Children don’t make nostalgic judgments of their parents, just judgments. Plus, the interaction just reeks that pseudo-familial kinkiness, even without the leotard and pectoral breasts.” Rebecca, your logic holds water as far as it goes, but you’re working on a flawed assumption here: that Mary Worth characters interact in a way that resembles the way actual humans interact. Today’s strip ought to make it clear that Mary Worth can no more convey the actual dynamics of a family torn apart by drug addiction than it can present well-drawn facial expressions. Even with that in mind, though, I can’t argue with this comment by the author of Subdivided We Stand: “Please, please, oh Mary Worth creators, let dear sweet Mare get her first taste of crystal meth. That’s exactly what this strip needs.”

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Being away for two weeks only served to show me how little actually happens in two weeks in the soap opera strips. Still, a couple of loyal readers offered amusing summaries of their twists and turns. Brandon, who also goes by the name of “Tournament of stuff,” provides this recap of Rex Morgan, M.D.:

“After surviving a harrowing adventure far more harrowing than anything in Without A Paddle, Rex and June are ready for two things: a shower and some sleep! Something’s troubling June, though, and it’s not just that Rex smells ‘like a goat.’ Alternately too tired to discuss her concerns and too worried by them to go to sleep, June finally reveals that they’ve been neglecting their parental duties. It’s time, they decide in the morning, to fire their nanny. After saying their cheery goodbyes and their thanks to the crew that nearly killed them, Rex and June head home to face the unhappy task that awaits them.”

Brandon also describes himself as “a fan”, as if that sort of ass-kissing is going to get him mentioned in the blog. Oh, wait, it will. Ass-kiss away, people!

Grand prize, though, goes to an anonymous poster who offered a summary of two weeks of Mary Worth — in advance!

“Heck, I can summarize the next two weeks of Mary Worth without needing the strips to be published. Or without even using a verb! (Since nothing ever happens in Mary Worth, verbs are unnecessary.) Wilbur. Iris. Dinner. Breadsticks. Drama. Wilbur’s broken heart.”

Good try, my nameless friend, though even the most faithful Mary Worth fan couldn’t have predicted that the litany should have really looked something like this: “Wilbur. Iris. Dinner. Breadsticks. Drama. My very own meth lab!“