“Anticipating further declines in the traditional reader demographic of Mary Worth, King Features has cannily pivoted from catering to elderly widows to providing wish fulfillment narratives for incels. Look forward to the new ‘Dawn-chan is my Waifu’ line of promotional apparel!” –stepped pyramids

“The best part of this is the expression on the Dachshund’s face in the last panel. It says ‘Why must I be a party to these incomprehensible human dramas?’” –Peanut Gallery

“I love how Jared looks up into the sky pleadingly before he kisses Dawn. ‘Skywalker give me strength’ those eyes seem to implore.” –Lionheart

“I know this was written weeks if not months ago, but Rex Morgan hunkering down with some classic pulp fiction at a time when most doctors are coping with a global health emergency is so perfectly on brand.” –TheDiva

“I was going to say ‘Maybe I’m an old fogey but are there any touchscreen devices that hang up in that kind of position,’ and then I went ‘oh duh, smart this or that devices connected to the internet of things,’ and then I googled ‘touch screen’+microwave and got six million hits, so I’ve flipped from not understanding this strip one way to not understanding this strip in the completely opposite way.” –matt w

“C’mon Ed — I’ve never seen you at a loss for a comeback. How about: ‘NPR — what’s that, Nazi Pinko Radio?’ You can have that one for free, just to get you back on your feet.” –Pozzo

“Leave Katharine Hepburn alone! She’s obviously in seclusion while she waits for that terrible dye job to grow out.” –Peanut Gallery

“Speaking of difficult new realities in the face of a horrifying pandemic, Dawn could really learn to practice some better social distancing. Not so much for health reasons as much as so she stops falling wildly in love with every man she briefly interacts with.” –jroggs

“The real menace here is that there are no adults around while these kids aren’t just gobbling up fast food but have also raided the pantry. It’s tempting to think Dennis has finally succeeded and overthrown all authority, creating a child-based society, with Mr. Wilson’s head on a stick at the entry gates serving as a warning to all potential invaders, but the grim reality is probably just that Dennis and Joey found Mr. Wilson’s edibles and are high as fucking kites.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Since his mouth is full, Dagwood makes the ‘heart’ symbol to let Blondie know that it is his aorta that is currently in distress from that enormous meal he’s eating. When he stuffs himself with sweets, he expresses his discomfort by making the ‘pancreas’ symbol. And you do not want to see the symbol he makes when he’s eating too many bran muffins.” –seismic-2

“You know, if I was a criminal with an incurable shaking problem, I would probably avoid scams that involve trying to discretely get away with glass jars filled with coins.” –pugfuggly

“See Greg’s face in panel four? That’s the look of a man who suddenly realizes that his core beliefs come from a book filled with pages he ‘seldom reads.’ Curtis thinks his dad is unyielding to his shameless appeals now, but once Greg starts quoting Hitchens and agreeing with Marx’s assertion that religion is the opium of the masses, he’ll only have himself to blame.” –Mighty Sean Young

“As someone who was on track to become a member of the clergy, let me give you some advice, Curtis. Just say ‘Leviticus’ or ‘Deuteronomy.’ Even if someone has a bible handy to fact check you, they’ll give up right around the fourth time God explains how he wants the curtains in his tent made or what parts of an animal he wants burned on which altar.” –Dread

“The way Chris points, I feel like he’s accusing Alexa of something. ‘I think you two will hit it off! Won’t you? WON’T YOU?! Don’t deny it!’” –JJ48

“First of all, there’s no way a penguin’s foot would fit into those vegan Nikes. And even if they did, bare feet are essential in helping penguins maintain a proper body temperature — a padded shoe would cause dangerous overheating. So, basically, that polar bear is doing his penguin friend a favor, by making sure his desire to look like all the cool kids doesn’t end up getting him hurt. It’s practically an Afterschool Special!” –BigTed

“When the Funkyverse isn’t revolving around its characters writing novels, it revolves around its characters writing comic books. Or movies based on said novels and comics books. In the smuggest, most pretentious way possible. Man I miss cancer.” –The Dimensional Otter

“Where did the idea for this book come from? Are you an empiricist, who believes that the mind is a tabula rasa working with sensory data taken from the outside world? Are you a Platonist, who believes the immortal soul has already seen the eternal ideas in the Hyperuranion and learning is just remembering? The public craves to know your stance on epistemology!” –Ettorre

“I understand lead times in newspaper comics mean this is from the Before Times, but I’m having a hard time imagining being so excited someone brought something in from the outside world that isn’t toilet paper or pasta.” –Biiirdmaaan!

“First Rex schemes to have an elderly relative thrown out of his house, then he makes it plain to this person that he doesn’t want to tell this long story because he doesn’t want to spend time with him. When Covid-19 hits hard and we need a ruthless medical professional to decide how to ration life-saving medicine, Rex’s personality will be an asset.” –Ettorre

“Why is Mark’s face red as if he’s blushing? Maybe it’s the reference to an edible haypile, but you’d think that would go right over his head.” –nescio

“The comic strip Dustin should be called Am I Right, Folks? ‘How about these modern day coffee shops? Am I right, folks? They ask you your name so they can write it on the cup! We never had to do that in the old days! Am I right, folks? And most of the time, they spell your name wrong once you’ve told them! Am I right, folks? And what’s with all the terminology you have to learn, just to order a simple cup of joe? We never had to to that in the old days! Am I right, folks? And boy, are these places expensive! You have to make a down payment on a cup of coffee! We never had to do that in the old days! Am I right, folks? Huh? Am I right? Please tell me I’m right! PLEASE SAY THAT I’M RIGHT! I NEED TO HEAR THOSE EXACT WORDS!’” –Joe Blevins

“Apparently Summer checks to make sure that Les isn’t at home before she enters the house. This is the first case I can remember of someone in this strip actually behaving sensibly.” –seismic-2

“There’s another reason that they are fortunate to not be going to Italy. From the picture in the travel agents’ window, it seems to have been ripped out of the Earth’s crust and stood precariously on one end. The resulting death and destruction is a drastic way to deal with the pandemic, but perhaps effective.” –maarvarq

“I’m pretty sure that a fully mobile android capable of emotional expression could be better utilized for a plethora of more important jobs, but alas, its creator is forced to alter its programming in the hopes of winning money from an institution that thrives on greed and economic disparity, most likely in order to repay the excessive student loans that were necessary to graduate from MIT. And to top it all off, said creator has been forced to give her creation a mechanical bust and dress it in pearls, so that it meets the expectations of the male gaze. Damn, Six Chix is woke as fuck today.” –Mighty Sean Young

“Oh no! I accidentally set the robot’s mode to Poker Face (Lady Gaga)! Now she’ll be bluffin’ with her muffin! I’m not lying! She’s gonna be stunnin’ with her love glue gunnin’!” –Lionheart

“Long story. Involves a distant relative of June’s. Oh, wait, he’s also my patient! I guess it isn’t that long a story at all, if you’re as lax with HIPAA regulations as I am.” –BigTed

“Interesting to see that the Google Eyes of Horror shows up in other bird-themed comics. In any event, I’m pretty sure that Mother Goose just realized that she forgot to put on her own pampers this morning and is probably ruining her skirt. Birds shit constantly.” –pugfuggly

“That punchline isn’t nearly as disturbing as the thousand-yard stare that accompanies the grim delivery of, ‘What do you have to do, Joyce?’ I say these bird women need to band (flock?) together, re-read Lysistrata, and foment some shit.” –Hopester

“Thank you, Six Chix and newspaper comics lead time, for reminding us of the eternal recurrence of things we enjoy like the first robin of spring and also baseball spring training, a thing that is totally happening now and going to cheer me up! (Kidding, I’m a Pirates fan, nothing about baseball cheers me up.)” –matt w

“Am I alone in reading ‘How do you know?’ as kind of insulting? Like, she brought up the word, and he doesn’t recognize it. But apparently that doesn’t mean it makes sense she would know what it is, and any such occurrence of book learnin’ demands immediate special explanation. What I’m saying is, maybe there’s another layer to her reminding him that she knows how to kill animals by stabbing them through the face.” –pachoo

“Today’s comic, making no sense in mummy or cooking or television terms, can be interpreted as a disguised plea from the cartoonist herself. ‘Can I get some help here?’ After all the criticism, she’s at last ready to sub-contract the artwork.” –Just John

“It’s like Home Alone, only instead of Looney Tunes-style slapstick there’s mild nagging.” –TheDiva

“I’m picturing all the steps that led to a mummy hosting a televised cooking show. Was it initially pitched for British mothers aka ‘mummies,’ but wires got crossed and it’s too late to turn back now? Or did a fast-talking producer burst into the studio head’s office and start sputtering ‘What’s the problem with cooking shows? I’ll tell ya what’s the problem with cooking shows — no thrills! So what do we have to do? I’ll tell ya what we have to do — make ’em scary! And what’s scarier than mummy? I’ll tell ya what’s scarier than a mummy — nothin’, that’s what!’ To which the studio head replied, ‘Sold!’” –Jenna

“Someday I hope to see WWII era posters with Mary Worth vigorously scrubbing doorknobs with coronavirus-fighting motivational slogans like: ‘I’m not getting sick on account of you filthy little shits.’” –Foodar

“Finally we get the crossover no one asked for as Mark meets the last living Katzenjammer Kid.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Okay, everybody listen up! I don’t want to hear any more insults until one of you has killed a wild boar and put its head on a stick. Out here, your social constructs are DEAD … so we’re all homeless until we get a shelter built!” –DevOpsDad

“So they went to see a terrible parody film, which turns out to be based on a Star Wars installment no one liked very much, at a time when people are avoiding crowded theaters due to fear of disease. I’ll say one thing for Mary Worth characters — when they get a bad idea, they really stick with it no matter what.” –BigTed

“Today’s strip really does nothing to advance the story, but if the narration box is in fact foreshadowing that eventually Dawn will get run over by a train, then I wholeheartedly approve.” –seismic-2

“OK, this is really concerning. She bought her coffee, got buttonholed by Randy, read him the riot act, walked off in a huff and pitched the coffee cup. When did she drink the coffee? DID SHE JUST WASTE PERFECTLY GOOD COFFEE?!?!” –richardf8

“You’d think the inner dialogue of America’s number one yenta would be more interesting.” –ZeroWolf

“You laugh, but when this plugger wins a Nobel Prize for his Woodchuck Incompleteness Theorem — proving that the very act of granting a woodchuck the ability to chuck wood would make the amount of wood indeterminable — who will be laughing then? Probably still you, because that’s a really dumb thing to get a Nobel Prize for.” –JJ48

“‘Care to explain this?‘ ‘Sure — see, the internet is a global system of interconnected computer networks that uses the Internet protocol suite (TCP/IP) to link devices worldwide. You might want to get a pencil and paper … it gets pretty complicated.’” –Pozzo

“Today’s Judge Parker comes out strongly in favor of Plato on two points. First, writing is inferior to oral teaching, because it is fixed. It is much better to have the original author to ask clarifications and further questions. Secondly, democracy is a bane and we should be ruled by a self-appointed class of superior people.” –Ettorre

“See that last panel? That’s Rex at his happiest, which he defines as the absence of unhappiness. It’s so unfamiliar to him that even his facial muscles don’t know what to do, he’s just tensing random muscles like someone was mashing a neural keyboard in his brain.” –pugfuggly

“This … this is Rusty’s LSD hallucination, right? That would explain the changing, misshapen faces and the fact that anyone wants to be Rusty’s friend.” –nescio

“I’m with Baleen on this. The beans won’t burn if you keep them covered with plenty of bilge water, but I would definitely be hesitant to accept a ride to the clinic from a guy who got his nickname from being in so many side-impact car crashes.” –Peanut Gallery

“I don’t know how I feel about this new, smug Rusty … or ‘Smugsty’ as he shall now be known.” –Tonya

“Well, I suppose Jared and I are actually in a relationship, just one in which we don’t have to live with each other or ever have sexual intercourse. I guess you could say we’re ‘Dr. Jeff-ing’. Yeah, that’s it. We’re Jeffing real hard.” –Mighty Sean Young

“Hmmm. A man and a woman are eating lunch together and engaging in stilted inhuman dialogue. Obviously they can only do that if they are aliens from the planet Zaurithian-9 pretending to be human engaged in romantic entanglement.” –2+2=7

“Wait… if Lena wasn’t on the team, what the heck was she doing there? Just coming in to sullenly watch from the shadows? Yeah, that sounds about right.” –The Dimensional Otter

“Great, now this comic has made me imagine how a figure-four leglock would work in a sexual context. I’m sure one of them would still yell ‘Wooo!’” –Rosstifer

“The question makes perfect sense. Monica says she saw them ordering burritos from a food truck, so she was eager to find out what that was on the way to doing. But the answer turns out to be nothing. As a nice touch, you can see her excited smile deflate into a frown, then need to be concealed by a long sip of coffee. The joke is that life is inane and pointless, which isn’t really funny but is always a classic in the newspapers anyway.” –pachoo

“‘Overconfidence was never something the Scapegoats had to worry about. You know what they did have to worry about? Brain-ruining head injuries!’ And they both shared a good laugh.” –Joe Blevins

“Sure hope he remembers some of his old wrasslin’ moves. Namely, when old-wrasslin’, don’t apply too much force or the bones will snap like toothpicks.” –Just John