“‘I’m not a fan of corny piano singalongs!’ in the Mary Worthiverse counts as an absolutely SAVAGE burn. ‘Corny’ is like the F-word there.” –The Great Joe Bivins

“Snuffy Smif has a tackle box? Does he tie his own flies? Does he visit Scotland in the salmon season and hobnob with lairds? Sorry, but real hillbillies fish with dynamite.” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

“The bindle has been comics shorthand for ‘running away from home’ since … well, since science first realized that children are really just homeless drifters at heart. So, is Daddy Daze a contemporary, minimalist approach to the daily comics, or the same old tropes with crappier art? Is this preverbal toddler going to get a forked-branch slingshot, is what I’m asking.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“It’s funny because Jess is justifiably angry at Darrin for making superfluous purchases with money they could have used for essentials, and now expects him to take responsibility for the situation.” –TheDiva

“He may be clean-shaven, but based on Slylock’s explanation, he certainly didn’t bring Ockam’s Razor in there.” –Weaselboy

“What do you fill chocolates with that can clog up a toilet? Surgical gauze?” –Curtis Adams

“As Slylock mauls the screaming Weirdly-bot, Deputy Duck stands there stoically, telling himself it’s just a robot, it’s just a robot, it can’t feel anything, that screaming and pleading is all just programming, and that blood, my Dog the blood, that’s just hydraulic fluid or something. Max just sighs and prepares for yet another civilian review board.” –Voshkod

“So, Genie is willing to partner up with a guy who is a bit delusional, but demonstrates a love of the outdoors and there is no sex involved. Should Cherry be worried?” –The Mighty Captain E

“Curtis’s father won’t be smiling for long when he realizes his son both violated HIPAA and that he’s losing his insurance when his bad back is considered a ‘pre-existing condition.’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Elmo is calling seesaws scary. Maybe the issue isn’t actually what’s being done to protect kids today, it’s specifically what his school needs to do to protect him.” –pachoo

“Despite his menacing reputation, Dennis has very limited power. I mean, just look at this sorry display. He tells his parents not to look at him, and what do they do?” –Joe Blevins

“Really disappointed to see that this is a flashback, as I was really looking forward to seeing Dick Tracy kick the shit out of some fifth-grader.” –pugfuggly

“Little Shaky will grow up to be a devotee of dominatrices, but his tiny pre-pubescent brain doesn’t understand his twisted urges, so for now he just wants someone to beat him up. I mean, that is the Golden Rule, right? How frustrating that no one can rise to the challenge and administer the whipping that he so deeply desires. No wonder he grows up to take on Dick Tracy, the most sadistic cop on the force.” –JBoy

“Outdoor survival tip of the day: If a member of your party is caught in an avalanche, you should spend the next several hours talking about that member. Do not attempt a rescue; the snow will keep his body from decomposing. Once it melts in the spring, recovery will be easier. In the meantime, pancakes all around.” –ZeroWolf

“When your war games are being conducted in what is clearly a virtual reality space, in which all surfaces and backgrounds have been replaced by a featureless beige void, isn’t being a cyber-warrior equipped with a laptop basically cheating? Cpl Yo is clearly looking forward to the part where he gets to hack the Kobayashi Maru exercise!” –seismic-2

“Dawn, you absolutely do not get to take a high road of being opposed to anything ‘corny’ when things like ‘We’re in love and can wait!‘ are coming out of your mouth.” –jroggs

“And I’m not a fan of corny piano singalongs! I’ll spend my evening streaming Edith Piaf and weeping!” –Uncle Lumpy

“Does the Bumsteads’ marriage still pack plenty of pizzazz? Absolutely, if you divide the word into ‘pizza’ and the slang phrase for sleep.” –BigTed

“I enjoy the malevolent grin on nude trickster god Gnotmi’s face. ‘Ha! Now that I have marred every piece of chocolate in the box, NO ONE will be able to enjoy them!’ he cackles to himself as he flees the scene. Alas, he didn’t count on Jeffy. Poor, stupid, malnourished Jeffy, who moments from now will be digging them out of the trash and stuffing them into his tiny black maw.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“I, for one, refuse to believe that Dagwood could put anything or anyone against his lips for that long without devouring it in a frenzy of viscera and gore.” –Dread

“Rex knows the obligations of his profession compel him to ask medical questions and receive answers from the aging husk of flesh before him, but goddamnit it doesn’t mean he’s obliged to LIKE it.” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

“Sorry, but I don’t buy any of this. I can’t believe that the pirates would be so casual about a treasure map they’d just been studying. I can’t believe that Hagar would literally run home to tell his family he loves them. I can’t believe that his family would take him at face value, let alone be so enthusiastic about this. Most of all, I can’t believe Hagar’s vocabulary includes both ‘extraordinary’ and ‘incalculable.’” –Joe Blevins

“Look, buddy, walking around with that baby is already a perfectly good gimmick for picking up chicks. Adding an extra element to the scam is like putting a hat on a hat.” –BigTed

“On the one hand, the writer has given him the sort of unlikely pile-up of letters that a person who has never met a Polish person is likely to make up. On the other hand, ‘Tildy Bobrowski’ is the kind of super-charged zaniness Aunt Tildy is destined for, especially when she comes back to freeload again next year, after ol’ Andrzej here is dead.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Ah, Rex Morgan: the strip with a narration box that tells you exactly what’s going to happen, and then shows you that thing, regardless of how pointless or dull it might be. Never change.” –pugfuggly

“Given the grotesque Gasoline Alley aesthetic, I guess looking being a regular schlub is like the real world equivalent of being Pierce Brosnan.” –toxic

“The question isn’t whether Rex will violate HIPAA to tell Aunt Tildy all about Andrezjsfn’s personal history in an attempt to hook them up and get her out of his hair — of course he’s going to do that — but whether he’ll wait until the end of the day or cancel all his afternoon appointments at the last minute.” –TheDiva

“‘REMIND HIM WHAT I SAID ABOUT NO FOSSILIZED RECORD OF YETI OR YETI LIKE CREATURE EXISTING!!!’ [Takes out sign-off sheet. Puts initials in ‘2:30am’ box]” –Foodar

“Wilbur said ‘firsthand’ and ‘hard on’ in relation to long distance relationships to tell Hugo to get used to a lot of masturbation, but Hugo doesn’t speak English well enough to pick up the subtleties and will probably just cheat on Dawn.” –nescio

“Into Thick Air, a story of madness and tragedy in the Himalayas, will be the book that makes Mark famous. I mean, more famous. So famous that people who aren’t poachers and bass kidnappers will recognize him.” –Voshkod

“Times have been tough for Sam, without any clients in his new office. He has resorted to attaching a severed arm on top of his desk with the palm up, so that visitors can just drop cash into it without having to endure the annoyance of actually talking to Sam.” –seismic-2

“His stump speech will just be waving his paperback book in the air and asking if ‘you know who I am?’” –Rusty

“Dawn’s latest heartbreak comes when she realizes that she isn’t video-chatting with Hugo but, rather, watching a poorly dubbed anime on YouTube.” –Her Father, John Darling

“Long-distance relationships are always hard, but it must be especially rough with Hugo imprisoned in the Phantom Zone.” –Dan

“Look deep into your heart. It is a sex joke. You know this. No, don’t resist. Let the truth wash over you like a wave.” –pastordan

“Fire hydrant? Otto is imagining a trashcan to dispose of the bloodied and bruised body of the faux-patriarchal tyrant known as ‘Sarge,’ colored red as a means of communicating with his fellow comrades. Step two: fashion hammer and sickle out of his retrieved bones.” –Irrischano

“Look, I don’t mean to downplay Otto’s obviously abusive relationship with the Sarge, but if he can stand on his hind legs and tie the necktie on his uniform, he can probably just use the latrine.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“One the one hand, the comics desperately need new blood. On the other hand, I don’t immediately know every character in Daddy Daze‘s foibles. Does the baby poop like Marvin? Does the dad have a crappy office job with a controlling and incompetent general/owner? I need to have somehow learned all this by osmosis decades ago because I do not read the comics page to LEARN things.” –toxic

“So the Keane ancestors are demigods? Be very afraid.” –Tonio

“Later, all the snow falling dissipates the cloud, and Dolly and Jeffy are crushed by the heavy weather control machine.” –nescio

“‘On second thought, we don’t want a wake-up call.’ ‘I am going to give you one anyway: your horrible marriage is not an imposition, you are both comfortable in it because you enjoy the masochism tango and you fear that the real obstacle to your happiness is not your partner, but your horrible personality.’” –Ettorre

“Ok, let me understand this correctly: A hot young rich guy who totally worships you, regardless of your advanced age and deteriorating body, and insists on telling you so. Who suggests a doctor visit because he’s so concerned? Who accompanies you to said doctor’s appointment? Who cheerfully picks up your pharmacy order after dropping you off for your nap? Who happily functions as your personal meals-on-wheels service and shares/enjoys your medically-proscribed limited diet with you? This is not just a continuity strip, people. This has fully crossed the line into nursing home pornography.” –Hopester

“Speaking a someone with Celiac disease, there is no medical condition on earth, whether it be hypothyroidism, a concussion, or a psychotic break with reality, that would induce a person to say that any type of gluten-free sandwich is ‘really good.’” –Marcus Theory

“The women will be especially mad when they see that ‘BINGO TONITE‘ sign and find that it points to a tiny fortress with no way for them to get inside unless they want to climb through that window one at a time. Seriously, this building is such an architectural impossibility, the fact that Crock and Captain Poulet somehow managed to get to the roof constitutes a ‘moral victory’ in and of itself.” –Joe Blevins

“But how does robbing payrolls emulate a freedom fighter battling a totalitarian regime inspired by the backmasking panic of the early 1980’s?’ ‘…Look, can we just skip to the part where you become my futuristic robo-bride?’” –TheDiva

“Ugghh. Is he gonna force her watch that video? If he combines it with Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart,’ she may not make it. I know I didn’t.” –Mikey

“Isn’t determining if you want to speak to someone before you answer the phone just hilarious? Sorry, I meant ‘screening calls’. Isn’t determining if you want to speak to someone before you answer the phone just screening calls?” –JJ48

“Iris lost about 40 pounds overnight. I’m thinking it’s less love and more cocaine and enemas that agree with her.” –Where’s Rocky?

“I just realized that Mary must be about to unveil her new gluten-free muffin recipe. No one escapes that easily, Iris!” –Peanut Gallery

“‘To make you stronger‘ says Odin, not wanting to admit his son was right, the lightning and thunder take a lot of practice to control and no he should not be borrowing them.” –pachoo

“I’m really hoping that Leroy hasn’t been fired, he’s just been demoted to scaring pigeons away on the roof. Just imagine it; 8 hours a day, outside, in all weather conditions, shooting pigeons away, getting covered in bird shit, still wearing a full suit and tie because there’s no goddamn way he’s telling Loretta this just so she can have something else to mock him with. The daily dry cleaning is costing more than his paycheck, but fuck her, she’s never gonna have this to hold over him.” –Rosstifer

“A third eye? No son of mine will grow a third eye. We’re Innsmouth folks, born and inbred, and you’ll grow scales and gills like your grandfather and your great-grandfather, and you’ll swim down to Devil’s Reef some moonless night to mate with a flounder. Third eye … what do you think your mother was, a shoggoth?” –Voshkod

“Today Leroy Lockhorn ascends to face God. He is unfazed.” –Lee Sherman

“‘Global warming is of course a laugh riot, but do you know what else is comic gold? An outbreak of a new virus. Absolutely no way this joke will come across badly when it appears in papers a month from now!’ –the writer of Arctic Circle, some time in December probably” –Schroduck

“That recycled DTM joke has been in the archives for decades waiting on a Tonight Show host with the proper length name to fill the space where ‘Johnny Carson’ appeared forty years ago when this first ran in print. They just couldn’t make ‘Jay Leno’ fit the blanks and ‘Conan O’Brien’ came and went without the art team noticing.” –KrisTM

“The real menace in today’s panel is hiding in plain sight: ungrounded electrical outlets. Mr. Wilson should sleep easier next door, content with the knowledge that his young nemesis is simply one power surge away from a fried videogame system or (god of schadenfreude willing) burning to death in a house fire.” –Mighty Sean Young