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My friends, one week from tonight YOU can see my and other hilarious people do COMEDY JOKES on stage at 8 pm, if you’re in Los Angeles! What are you waiting for? Commit your body and soul by telling Facebook that you’re going!

And you can commit your body and soul to joy right now by enjoying your comment of the week!

“All Lockhorns comics are funnier with the following caption: ‘Jesus, Loretta, they’re going to sue us.’” –a.

And your runners up! Very funny!

“If $40 and a tip jar won’t pay for two crappy toy guns and a fake mustache, these guys are clearly shopping at the wrong guns and disguises store.” –Julia Margarita

“Today’s Rex Morgan, M.D., realises the secret dream of nerds everywhere: turning nitpicking, ‘just asking questions‘ and ‘actually’ into weapons effective in the real world.” –Ettorre

“After the apocalypse, when the survivors have reluctantly banded together into fortified communities but are still riven by mutual distrust, ‘What are you cooking there, neighbor?’ / ‘Just enough food to feed my family’ will become the new standard greeting.” –Schroduck

“[ring, ring] ‘You’ve reached the voicemail of COUNT WEIRDLY. Please leave a message after the beep.’ [beep] ‘Sly, old buddy, it’s Count Weirdly. I know you’re sneaking around my castle right now because, well, you always are. I’m on a business trip in, uh… Bismarck, the state capital of South Dakota! Or am I? You tell me, super sleuth! Haha! Anyway, can you do me a solid and feed my pets while you’re there? Thanks, chief. Oh, and no making friends with the purple thing; I’m planning on teaching it to commit mail fraud once it’s housebroken. Catch you on the flip!’ [beep]” –jroggs

“‘What’s wrong with Otto?’ ‘He wanted to piss on the bedpost but doesn’t have the opposable thumbs necessary to remove his uniform, so he pissed his pants. How’s your Alpo?’” –nescio

“I was in there so long because I was on the phone with Glenwood’s finest! Also, I think I might have a minor bowel obstruction. What? Now that the ‘robbery’ is over we need another source of dramatic tension, right?” –pugfuggly

“TIRED: The Pajama Diaries couple is into BDSM. WIRED: At least one of the Pajama Diaries characters has teeth instead of a toothless little dot mouth.” –Jenna

“I think the phrase Rob is looking for is ‘a productive and respected author and philosopher with influential theories about camp.’” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“‘Dating used to be much simpler’ thought Mary as she ate the salad with her bare hands, stopping only to roughly douse each piece of iceberg lettuce with mustard.” –Escape Zeppelin

“You know, if someone told me they’d just almost been hit by a truck, I’d have a pretty good idea why they looked depressed.” –Rube

“Oh Lettuce, King of Vegetables, I come to you in the name of Estelle, who is a human vegetable in her way. Help her find her true dressing!” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Estelle thinks cats have it easy? Mary is still worried about how Estelle is adjusting? I know where this is going. Spoiler alert: Estelle is going to start living her life as a cat. She’ll make herself some kind of crude cat costume, and she’ll start prancing around her apartment on all fours. Eventually, the Santa Royale police will find her scrounging through garbage can in an alley. They’ll shine a flashlight on her, and she’ll hiss. This is going to be great.” –Joe Blevins

“What’s the one thing more dorky than a stamp collection or barbershop quartet? Your hippie English teacher’s favorite century-old novelist! It wouldn’t seem possible to make attractive, athletic high-school girls completely unpopular, but I guess you can always find a way if you try hard enough.” –BigTed

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine an athletic cleat stamping on a human face — forever.” –Dmsilev

“Aren’t these guys all old enough to have qualified for Medicare years ago? ‘Curse you, LBJ, for forcing me to invent a contorted hillbilly spelling of inshorance!’” –Peanut Gallery

“I jes’ got me one o’ them HSAs — a Hillbilly Scufflin’ Account!” –Pozzo

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Sunday 2am: A weekly webcomic about life, love, happiness, creme-filled snacks (and only occasionally talking animals).

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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THIS WEEK’S TOP COMMENT IS HERE: RIGHT NOW!

“‘Exterminator,’ huh? That dog has the calm, cold eyes of a trained killer. Billy should be glad he’s a dullard — any Keane kids who get too much heathen book-learning will one day see those eyes, and then nothing more.” –stepped pyramids

And also? The runners up. Hilarious!

“Yes, there’s a fine line between ‘Food Taster’ and ‘Garbage Collector,’ a line that Sam dutifully erases.” –Pozzo

“This strip makes a lot more sense when you realize that Comrade Amoshya Haftrakov was actually an officer in the Soviet army who fought in the proxy wars of central Asia before being recruited by the KGB and sent to infiltrate an American military installation, and subsequently was forgotten when the USSR collapsed. It also explains in more ways than one why ‘General Amos Halftrack’ fills himself with a gallon of vodka every day. He’s a tragic hero, a warrior trapped in the terrible future he swore to prevent. Also, he’s Russian.” –jroggs

“Feeding people cancer causing nitrates is Les’s specialty. Not as instantly satisfying as Montoni’s explosive diarrhea causing pizza, but cancer sells books.” –ZeroWolf

“The deal with those two guys is that they’re overwhelmed by the level of sheer excitement in this strip. Watching The World’s Oldest Teenagers sit around talking about a vintage car show? Maybe even with bands!? STOP THIS INSANITY!” –Peanut Gallery

“I love the defeated, slouching posture of the mustachioed guy in panel two. He doesn’t know how it’s possible to fuck up hot dogs, but he’s pretty sure Les can find a way to do it. This teachers’ picnic is gonna suuuuuuuuuuuck, y’all.” –Joe Blevins

“What’s the deal with those two guys? They’re twitching and vibrating like there are hordes of bugs roaming under their skins, like they’ve been hollowed out by insects. Like they’re just skin-robots for insectoid overlords. [sip] Anyway, what was that about a car show?” –Voshkod

“Have you any idea the level of horniness required to lose $210 million in romance scams? 15,000 horny people, mostly old, mostly ugly, always desperate trekking the web in search of a target. The level of human misery reaches at least 3 MegaWilbur.” –Ettorre

“Dear Sam and/or Silo: Considering that we probably already have your tax money — it was withheld from your paycheck — good luck getting it back. And if by chance you do owe something, send it in or we’ll show you what else your tax dollars pay for. Have a nice day. –The IRS” –But What Do I Know?

“It starts with citizens trying to specify what their tax dollars will be used for, but it’ll quickly escalate into citizens deciding that the government can’t be trusted to look out for their best interests and seceding altogether. If Sam and Silo is any indication, the Second Civil War will be far less interesting and more poorly drawn than we could have possibly imagined.” –JJ48

“OPHTHALMOLOGIST is spelled wrong on the diploma. Yes, I found an error in a completely unfunny cartoon. It’s only 6:15 am, and I’ve already peaked.” –Weaselboy

“The implication is that Leroy is so turned on by the attractive nurse that his pupils are not just dilated, but FREAKISHLY dilated, reaching a level that usually requires special eye drops. I’d sorta assumed that Leroy was too miserable to feel any kind of arousal, so ‘Leroy has an all-consuming nurse fetish’ is a surprising if not entirely welcome revelation.” –Jenna

“Have we ever seen Bill’s eyes fully open before? Can we never again?” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“I’d now like to announce the results of this morning’s faculty water balloon fight, at which you were all present and thus already know the results. But first I’d like to announce this year’s winner of the always competitive ‘Flimsiest set-up for a pun’ award…” –pugfuggly

“In a court of bald people the one with hair is always found guilty.” –Roof Canal

“‘There’s nothing more irresistible than driving a sports car across deep sand dunes in an area where there isn’t a paved road for hundreds of miles,’ said no woman ever, including either of the two who exist in the Crock universe.” –BigTed

“Is the shading on the jester’s nose meant to indicate the ‘lovable drunk’ stereotype, or that years in a dank, unsanitary dungeon have induced necrosis?” –TheDiva

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Sunday 2am: A weekly webcomic about life, love, happiness, creme-filled snacks (and only occasionally talking animals).

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Top comment of the week: YOU KNOW IT BABY

“Also, don’t shoot because I’m a talking deer who appears to have human-level intelligence! You could have just asked me to stop eating your flowers, or put up a sign that I would have been able to read, just as I read the label on that bottle! But no! You just went straight for the poison!” –Rosstifer

Runners up: HERE THEY ARE FOR YOU TO ENJOY

“‘And now you’re out ten thousand dollars, and left with a broken heart! You have to report him! For the money, I mean. Any way you look at it, the broken heart is your own fault.’ ‘But you said no judgment!’ ‘Yes. I was criticizing you for having no judgment. Did you think I meant I wasn’t going to judge you? I was clearly pointing at you when I said it.’” –A Concerned Reader

“Old jungle saying or detergent slogan? You be the judge!” –TheDiva

“This is another comic where the throwaway panels make it a totally different story. Up top, we see how Cookie and Alexander were really looking forward to this. They’d put a lot of thought and effort into their Mother’s Day surprise. This was important to them. Only with that context do we realize that, in the last panel, they’re dying inside, with false smiles plastered on their faces.” –Joe Blevins

“Hi, Dad! You still alive? Cayla hasn’t killed you yet? Oh, well.” –Schrödinger’s Droopy

“It should be pretty difficult to time an annual phone call that precisely. Either Les and Summer have been practicing their timing, or else hours have passed between the second and third panel, as Les gestures in increasing discomfort toward the phone that should ring at some point that day.” –JJ48

“Oh, what a time that was! The boys got the eggs out of the fridge — and then — [both gasping with laughter] — and then we had to put them all back!” –Peanut Gallery

“Locating his shins to kick is quite the accomplishment.” –Rusty

“I think maybe Elmo is leaving out the part where his ‘high-tech crush‘ is sexting him and then later retrieving his phone to delete the evidence. Elmo realizes it’s for the best Dagwood doesn’t know what a sext is, or else Blondie would be getting a lot of NSFW photos of sandwiches.” –Marcus Theory

“Curtis’s generation wants NEW stories, like Captain America and Iron Man.” –Chyron HR

“‘Kids today just don’t understand the simple ways to enjoy life,’ says Greg, kicking back on the couch with a relaxing sip from his ice-cold can of green beans.” –jroggs

“Starting a GoFundMe today to double the salary of whoever is still churning out this comic (what would that be, like, ten bucks a week?) if they’ll put Frank Nelson at the end each and every strip saying, ‘I don’t get it.’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“‘Just extras‘ says the character who’s primary job in the strip is to set up punchlines for a sun-worshipping baby.” –Guillermo el Chiclero

“Look at the way Jeffy is cupping his hand against his mouth there: do you figure he’s stage whispering or all out yelling across the table? I’m figuring the latter, as a result of his pudding mania.” –pugfuggly

“Unless the guy who drew the map likes playing cruel practical jokes, or had a vendetta against you personally, or was simply extremely incompetent … any number of reasons, really! You can’t trust anybody and anyone could betray you at any time! But at least you’re not crazy.” –Navigator

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Sunday 2am: A weekly webcomic about life, love, happiness, philosophy, and marshmallow chicks.

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!