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Hello, pals! I am doing a VERY SPECIAL Internet Read Aloud next Friday in Los Angeles, one week from today: it’s a one-man show, and that one man is ME!

If you’ve been saying “I keep meaning to go see one of Josh’s shows,” I would really appreciate it this is the one you came to! I’ll be doing an hour (or so) of weird and funny internet multimedia bits that will amply demonstrate how much Being Online has broken my brain. 8 pm! Free parking! BYOB! We’ll all get ice cream afterwards, for real! Please come, if you’re in town, or near town! And here’s the Facebook event, if you like those!

But it took many people to create such a funny comment section this week! Still, I must select one for COTW, and I selected this one:

“The Purported Punter would also be a fine start to Kaz’s film education. The 1938 classic starring Basil Rathbone as Hercule Poirot on the trail of a master criminal disguised as a Venetian gondolier was once hailed by Roger Ebert as ’94 minutes long.’” –Navigator

The hilarious runners up show why this was so hard!

“They need to perform a fees/ability study.” –Dennis Jimenez

“Okay, this took a bit of thinking, but I finally figured out this cartoon. First, note the reddish-orange chairs in the conference room. Then note that the screaming woman in the purple cardigan isn’t apparently sitting in one. She’s actually a child who’s standing up. Let’s call her Olivia. That anguished woman in the middle isn’t a coworker; it’s her mother. We’ll call her Amanda. This is some kind of ‘take your daughter to work’ event that has gone very wrong. Amanda has gathered everyone in the conference room so that Olivia can do a presentation, thinking it would be cute and entertaining, but instead, Olivia is doing a broad, scathing parody of her mother, based on things she’s overheard. Some of what she’s screaming about might even hint at ethical violations on her mother’s part. The guy in the blue shirt — let’s say his name is Doug — doesn’t know what to do. Amanda is his boss, so it would be rude to leave in the middle of Olivia’s performance, but it somehow seems even ruder to stay and witness this embarrassing spectacle. There. I did it. I decoded a Six Chix. To me, it’s more satisfying and fun than any Sudoko.” –Joe Blevins

“Butternut is also a walnut (‘white walnut’) that doesn’t impart any nutrition but does make you shit like there’s no tomorrow. Snuffy is basically warning us that within a few years we can expect him to be an ancillary character in a Marvin spinoff, minus indoor plumbing and single-use diapers.” –Hopester

“I can vaguely recall the last plot in this strip about Marty Moon for getting in trouble for…being an asshole to some sports kids? I honestly don’t remember what he did. In any event, it seems the pendulum has sung in the other direction, as Marty has decided to salute both teams at every play, just to show his undying respect for them.” –pugfuggly

“I missed that the lady is addressed as ‘Darla’ in the first panel, so my first thought was that ‘Darla Gillespie’ is her archenemy and she organises class reunions purely in order to spite Darla in some way. It certainly explains how angry she looks about it!” –Horace Broon

“Meanwhile, Iron Fist’s sound effect, ‘SLAMM MM,’ combines devastation with the contented noises of someone eating caviar.” –Thomas Keith, on Facebook

“Hey everybody! It’s time to play Giant Motorcycle Or Tiny Josh Brolin!” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“There won’t be any killing of children in Mark Trail. All Cool Dude is going to do is trick Rusty into trading his phone for a ride on his motorcycle. Once Cool Dude has the phone and Rusty’s ride is over, Cool Dude will delete the SnapClapTrapApp and warn him about the risks of taking pictures in public without permission. Rusty will give a mopey Ted Cruz-looking apology, wondering what the word ‘public’ means and Cool Dude will ride off in the sunset waving a peace sign, telling the kids to not do drugs.” –Bud

“Trust me, carousel slide projectors are going to be the next big hipster fad. And I’ve got a warehouse full of ’em! Mwa ha ha ha!” –Peanut Gallery

“Legacy comics are just so out-of-touch and unrelatable. Like, Lois, mother of four, is tending her infant child, and I’m supposed to believe she gives a shit about wearing pants? Underwear, half-fastened nursing bra, and a ratty t-shirt slung over one shoulder in case of spit-up, that’s the uniform until at least noon. Maybe 10:00 if there’s a grocery store trip on the agenda.” –Dan

“The lower jaws were first to go, then the pants. Hi and Lois turned into 9 Chickweed Lane so slowly no one noticed.” –matt w

“It was in September 2018, when Six Chix finally revealed its Snoopy sex robot, that the Universal and King Features syndicates really went to war.” –Big Ted

“The Marriage Mascot (Laulibu Talismans) was actually the final film of the misunderstood Latvian auteur Sixi Chixu. The profane bestial, sexual ultraviolence of the infamous ‘wedding night’ scene tests the stomach of even the most hardened critic, but it’s still preferable to wasting a year of evenings being half-assedly coached by Gil and Kaz.” –Schroduck

“I’ve never married because I would never be able to afford a honeymoon location better than ‘elementary school classroom‘ either.” –Flonatin of Bologna

“Also, all the gunfire probably helped get their attention.” –Randallw

“There’s a lot of space between these pet gravestones, especially the cats. Were these, like, giant human sized cats? I guess that explains why they were buried with such reverence. ‘Here Lies Fluffy. While on this earth no one ever fucked with him.’” –Mikey

“Do you see this? That one cop is hitting people! Hitting people is my thing! Cut that out, you … you … normal fist!” –made of wince

“I would have thought looking up from your Candy Crush game to find a massive insect screaming about being excluded from raucous debauchery would be grounds for panicked terror, but I guess mild bemusement works, too.” –JJ48

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Do you like … funny comments? Do you want to read this week’s top comment? Here it is!

“Indonesian political turmoil during the 1960s? Actually, that dog-plugger’s scar was caused by too much scratching of a skin infection, during the Year of Living Mangerously.” –seismic-2

Do you want to read this week’s hilarious runners up, as well? Here they are!

“Jughaid is not wearing a coonskin cap — that’s his real hair. He’s heard of this hipster trend and has the ponytail part down pretty well, but this man bun thing he’s still trying to figure out just what that means.” –popamatic

“Not that arguing the point will do Jughaid much good in a town with only one teacher, but I’d question the validity of a report card given out by someone who just scrawled out ‘REPORT CARD‘ in pencil on a random sheet of copier paper while wearing a vindictive grin.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Maybe this can of ‘wholesome salmon in spring water’ will help. Or does that say ‘whole salmon on a spring’? Or is this the can with the typographic error in which I trapped the soul of Alex Salmond, former First Minster of Scotland? No, this must be the canned remains of Salmon P. Chase, Lincoln’s Chief Justice. I really need to can less Salmons, or buy some reading glasses.” –Voshkod

“Mary seems to be making salmon squares, but the idea that’s occurred to her may be to encourage Wynter to return to his home town, find a mate, then die.” –cheech wizard

“I hate to say it, but I think Mary has been inspired to start selling canned dog.” –Foodar

“I’m guessing the original punchline was something along the lines of ‘He’s always cramming it in my can!’ before an editor stepped in.” –pugfuggly

“So Spider-Man’s intrepid trio knew the villains weren’t going to be there but decided to show up anyway? Once again Peter Parker saves the day by going where evil isn’t and not punching anybody.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just rent a boardroom and a couple of gas masks?” –TheDiva

“Kid, we live in a rodent-infested home littered with what I only hope are animal remains. Unless a visit from DCFS is on that list, you ain’t gettin’ it.” –Joe Blevins

“You’re a plugger when your touchstone for stories of things that happened in someone’s youth reference World War II, even though that was the previous generation, and everyone who fought in that war is already dead.” –Emily Riposte

“Having known my share of pluggers, lemme tell ya — it doesn’t take anything as dramatic as a scar. Just move one of their many pill bottles to a slightly different spot in the medicine cabinet. It’ll become their Game of Thrones.” –Chrissy the Stooges Woman

“I’m no doctor, but I’m fairly certain scar tissue doesn’t grow on top of fur. This is obviously just a matted clump of filth, and the plugger is lying to his grandson because it’s the only acceptable form of plugger entertainment that isn’t ‘waiting to die.’” –Rosstifer

“You know what other classic character was basically ‘The Lone Ranger in space’? Space Ghost. Y’know who his sidekicks were? A couple kids and A CHIMP. So begins my exhaustive 12-part YouTube documentary Fake Geek Boy: The Story of Mopey Pete.” –Wolfbane42

“Is every Mark Trail strip this week going to end with the exact same drawing of Rusty looking dumbly up from his phone and asking some variation of ‘now what?’ Because I’m on board with that. Especially if Mara’s head continues to grow larger every panel, until she finally answers his repeated question and devours Rusty, phone and all.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“…and, so, we’re giving that space gorilla cancer.” –Where’s Rocky

“Coating the walls of your apartment in framed photos of your dog is one thing. Saul has gone a step further and arranged them so that it looks like they’re all looking at the front door. How could anyone not appreciate the effort when they come in, only to be greeted by dozens upon dozens of beady little chihuahua eyes, all of them glazed over with an expression that is equal parts hate and vacuity?” –Lionheart

“Okay, who just got thumbprints all over their screen? Besides me?” –Schrödinger’s Droopy

“Why is Mopey Pete so hung up on this child sidekick issue? No one even brought it up. Unless… does he actually think chimpanzees are gorilla children?” –jroggs

“Cranberry juice is the primary ingredient in cosmopolitans, which leads me to the disturbing conclusion that Big Daddy Keane is a total Carrie.” –Jenna

“See. You all asked for it. This disturbingly long-winded rant about a light-hearted subject is what happens when the smirking stops.” –Tonya

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Why it’s Friday, which is our day to enjoy the week’s top comment!

“No one in this comic has a lower jaw. Why is steak even on the menu?” –A Concerned Reader

And we also enjoy the runners up on this fine day as well. They’re hilarious!

“Tfw you read it as ‘having to go number four‘ and are wondering what the living conditions in colonial North Africa have done to the human excretory system” –Carl Lund, on Facebook

“In the last panel, Marvin’s thinking, ‘That’s all you got? I could have gotten off three perfectly good poop jokes in the time it took you to make one lousy gold pun.’” –Pozzo

“Did you know that Humboldt Martins are incredibly high all the time? After raiding the marijuana, they’d roll the leaves with their tiny little paws, and light them with their tiny little lighters. And now they’re endangered! You can believe all this ‘pesticide’ and ‘habitat’ crap that the syndicate is forcing me to say, but you must know what the true menace here is!” –Dimensionalotter

“If you’re trying to sell Millennials on golf, I don’t think this is the best platform for it. Don’t you have access to a Snapchat or a Waze or whatever?” –TheDiva

“It took exactly 100 years, but Mutt and Jeff’s hipster mustaches and thrift-store formalwear have finally come back into style. But they’d better hurry — in certain parts of Brooklyn and Portland, Hi and Lois-style ‘suburban backyard normcore’ is about to be the next big thing.” –BigTed

“Mary, did you hear? Old Man Wynter’s dog has died. Yes, Fenrir, beast of slaughter, has died, and the Fates are in turmoil. Can the Fimbulwynter come without the wolf that devours the sky? Who will Víðarr kill if the wolf is dead? Anyway, I’m off to see Jörmungandr, the world-encircling serpent, to see if we can save Ragnarök and bring down the gods. Wish me luck?” –Voshkod

“Ha! It’s funny because, in real life, Ed would have suffered third-degree burns and probably died! But instead, he’s just bewildered and covered in soot like Wile E. Coyote after an Acme malfunction! Tell me again how someone in this same fictional universe had cancer and we were supposed to care about it.” –Joe Blevins

“Hmm … an early 2000s Toyota Tercel … and it’s been freshly chewed…” –pugfuggly

“Like steampunk, Hi and Lois is a curious paradox. On the one hand, today’s strip wouldn’t make sense before the invention of mobile phones, but on the other, it relies entirely on 1950s values (housewives, henpecked husbands, wearing suits to work, boozy workday lunch). Is there a name for this aesthetic? Picketpunk?” –Schroduck

“My wife doesn’t tell me what to order for lunch! She couldn’t anyway, we haven’t spoken in months.” –Ettore

“All right, I think I figured out what’s up with Toby and her attitude toward dogs. Her name is Toby. She probably heard ‘oh, that’s what our dog was called!’ a thousand too many times, and now finds only grim satisfaction in the mortality of those beloved pets.” –pachoo

“It’s starting to get boring? Has Dennis not been reading his own strip all these decades?” –JJ48

“We’re not even gonna address the fact that Beetle and Sarge have laid out a multi-course meal with wine, as is definitely super-appropriate for a drill sergeant and his private? Okay then, how about the incongruously informal chairs, which suggest Sarge and Beetle put this romantic meal together themselves on the DL, and Beetle is absolutely right to ask why Sarge is taking pictures.” –Dan

“Hagar the Horrible almost made me laugh out loud for Helga’s whiplash-inducing appearance in the strip. ‘Hamlet: How much do you know about ancient history? Hagar: Well son, it depends on– Helga: (there) HE KNOWS ENOUGH NOT TO REPEAT IT! Hagar: GAHH! I told you to carry tic tacs!’ Honestly, she looks tired. I’m worried about Helga.” –Maggie

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!