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Your COTW in a moment, y’all, but first, let’s take a moment to appreciate Dick Locher, the former Dick Tracy artist and writer who passed away this week at 88. I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I’ve missed his particular brand of expressionist violent insanity in the strip, but I don’t think I could give him a better eulogy than Uncle Lumpy did when he covered Locher’s last storyline:

Ah, the deaths of Dick Tracy villains. Torched in a wind generator fire. Killed in a fall from the U.S. Capitol Rotunda. Brain wiped clean. Killed in a fall down a smokestack. Blown to bits. Crushed under a bulldozer. Dismembered by a pack of dogs. Immolated in a car fire. Pancaked by a falling antique warplane. And now, eaten alive by rats. Say it with me: Eaten. Alive. By. Rats.

And now, after a respectful moment of silence, let’s move on to the comment of the week!

“Great to see Funky Winkerbean’s shout-out to the Comics Tortoise! I’ve always loved his early work at Marvel, and the way he can withdraw into his shell when threatened.” –Jack Loves Comics

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Come on, Josh! The wife barging in is part of his whole fetish fantasy. Look at that rooster headdress she’s got on! Look at his boots! The little people in bodysuits. Live Skype of Aunt May getting laid on her wedding night. There’s about to be some freaky fetish sex going down!” –John Fulcher, on Facebook

“Slylock: ‘Good news, I’ve solved the mystery of why the Beavers’ apartment didn’t get robbed!‘ Chief O’Hound: ‘But did you catch the robber?’ Slylock: ‘Sorry, only one mystery a day, that’s the rule.’” –Chyron HR

“Poor Max is forced to stay outside. Slylock’s adopted sidekick went overboard on the interrogation earlier when he didn’t like their alibi. You might say that his Ward was a little hard on the Beaver last night.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Judging from the big backyard and white picket fence, the Beavers live in what used to be Hi and Lois’ house. I don’t know what’s worse, that our favorite suburban family was probably cooked and eaten by the now monstrous-size squirrels and bunnies who lived in their neighborhood (in a bourbon-Thirsty sauce, no doubt), or that their home has been divided into sparse, tiny apartments by a Soviet-style centralized animal government for some of the ‘lesser species’ to live in.” –BigTed

“Don’t worry, Johnny, I’d never abandon you. I soon as I figure out how to reverse the effects of the shrink-ray, I’ll come back and return you to normal size. This is no life for a forty-year man!” –Peanut Gallery

“Why do his drawings look so familiar? Oh, wait, they’re the standard renderings of Michael Jackson and Mr. Bean that every sidewalk caricaturist in a tourist area uses.” –nescio

“Jared won’t get anywhere in a dating battle with a hot shaggy-haired doctor … not unless he does something about that overbite. Fortunately, I’m sure Santa Royale has plenty of underground plastic surgeons to serve its many aging California matrons. He could probably get a jaw extension for a couple thousand dollars!” –Vulcan With a Mullet

“Hunh, Rebel Without a Cause came out in 1955… if we assume May is somewhere in her 70s, then… [does math] yes, May almost definitely had a crush on James Dean when she was young. [looks at Mole Man] I mean I guess things turned out well for her.” –Dan

“Hi is clearly saving his cash for a pickled hot dog.” –Grover

“In any other comic, a child falling out of a bouncy castle and landing headfirst would be a tragedy and the focus of weeks of strips. In Funky Winkerbean, it’s just all part of the background gloom. It’s certainly nowhere near as serious as, say, a cartoonist’s artistry being insufficiently appreciated.” –Schroduck

“Sure, we mock Thirsty for having no real hope about his future and thus squandering the little money he has in working-class gambling. But what about Hi, who feels that the balance of work and family is so fragile that it would be shattered by a drastic change of economic status? This is pitch-black social anxiety and I fully endorse it.” –Ettorre

“Jared teaches Dawn a new yoga pose, ‘downward dork.’” –seismic-2

“I love how Mark’s fight trash talk always makes him sound less like a bad ass vigilante and more like an upset parent. ‘I’ve had enough of you! I’m done with your attitude! I’m not even mad, just disappointed!’” –pugfuggly

“I love the cinematic aspect of these recent Mark Trail strips. And by ‘cinematic’ I mean ‘violent fighting in the rain without mussing up your hair or your clothes, or getting any cuts or bruises on your face.’” –Larry McAwful

“Dawn’s going to list all the patients’ e-mail addresses as ‘CC’ instead of ‘BCC’, isn’t she? Is this a sexual harassment story line or a HIPAA one?” –Boophilus

“Now, I know what you’re thinking, Mark. Did I fire one shot, or no shots? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. I’m … well, not very intelligent. That’s why I turned to a life of crime. That, and an abusive home life. It’s a sad story, you probably don’t want to hear it. But I’m getting distracted. Very distractible, I am that. Anyway, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, Mark? Because I don’t. This whole robbery’s gone pretty far south by now, and it’s wet and I’m cold. What was I talking about again?” –Voshkod

“I know the old Mark Trail rule about facial hair == bad guy has been defunct for a while now, but I’d still love to see the woman with the gun remove her fake chin to reveal a beard long enough to make an Eastern Rite patriarch weep with envy.” –Nekrotzar

“‘What do they call inchworms in the rest of the world?’ says Billy as he maintains an uncomfortably long gaze with the audience. In the background a half-eaten wonton slides limply across the sidewalk. It’s a real departure from the past but I fully support Family Circus’s move into avant-guard French cinema.” –Escape Zeppelin

“This Mary Worth storyline is the Scott Pilgrim/American Psycho mashup we deserve.” –Lorne

“Chocolate cake? derived from cacao beans? brought to Europe sometime after 1517? Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this whole strip is actually occurring in modern times and Hagar has spent this whole time as a Gen-X LARPer, complete with neck beard and craft beers.” –maltmash3r

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

Post Content

It’s the first Friday of the month, and you know what that means: the Internet Read Aloud returns to the Clubhouse in Los Angeles! The last few shows have been really magical and hilarious and I think this one’s gonna be great too.

This month’s topics include #teens, Craigslist (remember Craigslist????), emails, and more. Here’s the Facebook event, if you are interested!

And now! Your comment … of the week!

“Leave it to a doctor to take Dawn to the only snout-to-tail restaurant in town, the better to instruct her on the intricacies of porcine anatomy. And leave it to Dawn to find the one square-shaped item on the menu, which she seductively lifts while holding a fork in her hand like a baby.” –BigTed

And your hilarious runners up!

“I suppose that this could turn out to be a story about the difficult and dangerous fight against addiction, but that seems a little too complex and interesting for this strip. I’m thinking that it’s just as likely that the Morgans wake up tomorrow to find that Margie has absconded with a bunch of their appliances, and the central conflict of the next few weeks revolves around picking out a new TV.” –pugfuggly

“But Ned, I insist you use a condom. Not this one though, it has fork holes.” –Chelsea

“Why did you never think you’d hear yourself say that, Spider-Man? Did you not want me to get married? Why would you even care? Wait, are you Peter Parker? Are you Peter fucking Parker? Oh my god, why didn’t I think of that sooner? I spend a considerable amount of time with both of you, neither of you ever shuts up, and your voices are the exact same!” –Joe Blevins

“I can’t help but think of the people in these other apartments/hotel rooms. ‘Is there someone in the hallway, dear?’ ‘Let me check. Oh, it’s only some weirdo in a superhero costume talking to another creepy dude about marrying an old woman.’ ‘So, what’s for dinner?’” –Joe Momma

“It tells us all we need to know that Slylock is unwilling to allow Max to use any of his air even though Max is clearly attempting to make the common diver’s ‘let’s share air’ gesture. Meanwhile the sea creatures look on in shock and frustration, deeply aware that they’ll never be able to get that bathyscaphe open. That tasty, tender mouse flesh will rot away before their very eyes, always out of reach.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Sheriff Don Stober, Union Army officer re-enactor and regular winner of the Lawman of the Year Award, grimly inspects the sight on his rifle — though he’s already confident that his weapon is in good working order. Without even checking, he knows the comfortable presence of the fully loaded pair of antique six-shooters, and feels their comfortable weight as they lie hidden in the leather holster now buckled snugly under the voluminous folds of his uniform coat. Then he suddenly winces when he feels the bite of his trusty tomahawk; the blade presses into his back, painfully, but he is reassured knowing that the axe rests securely in his waistband, ready for action. He’s well armed, he knows, but instinctively, he feels something is still missing, and senses he is yet unprepared for what is in front of him. He absently strokes the full length of his sideburn, frowning as he reviews the situation for the umpteenth time. ‘If only I had a decent umbrella,’ he worries.” –Charterstoned

“Tomorrow’s Slylock Fox: During a poorly managed dive with substandard equipment and insufficient air supplies, Max developed severe barotrauma brought about by the sudden release of high-pressure air into a hermetically sealed tank. How will Slylock avoid getting charged with gross negligence?” –Schroduck

“I’m starting a betting pool on when Leroy pukes all over himself. I’ve got just outside the door.” –Lawyerbob

“Yes, parson, I’ve been tempted. Tempted to steal Yakov Smirnoff’s schtick!” –Peanut Gallery

“Mommy said I could be a Wonder Woman even if I don’t wear the costume, and so I said ‘Yeah, but what about the three grand product placement fee?’ She wised up pretty quick, I tell you.” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

“Wonder Woman came out two months ago, so this is dangerously close to being topical for a legacy comic strip. At least it’s still not in danger of being funny.” –Slick Whitman

“Alice is giving Henry the side-eye for not telling her that this dinner is black-tie.” –Dan Wade, on Twitter

“As Dad would say, ‘Help! I’m in the early stages of Alzheimer’s! Please stop standing around and making stupid jokes about me!’” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“If they’re actually sealing Crankshaft in a giant tent and gassing him until he’s free of roaches, I’m all for it.” –Steve S

“‘Yeah. Johnny.’ ‘Yeah. He’s at a tough age to market. Most people want to buy babies, raise them as their own, or older kids, because the organs are better developed and can survive harvesting. A kid like that, maybe we can get ten bucks a pound for the meat? Is it worth it, Doc?’” –Voshkod

“So help me God this had better end with Tyrannus officiating the Melvin/May (or Mayvin, as the shippers say) wedding.” –Janna, on Twitter

“Rocky, what do you think Sarge will do to us when he sees we spilled that top secret invisibility formula on the building?” –Charles Nelson, really

“According to a 2016 FBI report, gang-related activity in the US military is increasing and poses a threat to law enforcement officials. This is disturbing from both a national security perspective AND from a ‘Walker Inc. accidentally did a timely gag about modern military life‘ perspective.” –Her Father, John Darling

“OK, who had ‘Mark explodes a bush‘ square in the What’s Mark Trail Gonna Explode Next Pool?” –Baka Gaijin

“PETA is going to be really angry about Mark Trail’s low-budget Thelma and Louise reboot.” –Dread

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

Post Content

Hey y’all! Next week the live comedy show I host, the Internet Read Aloud, returns to the Clubhouse in Los Angeles! The last few shows have been really magical and hilarious and I think this one’s gonna be great too.

This month’s topics include #teens, Craigslist (remember Craigslist????), emails, the Beatles, and more. Here’s the Facebook event, if you are interested!

And with that out of the way, let’s enjoy some COTW goodness!

“I’m going to have one horse ride on the other horse’s back. Then I’ll get on the top horse. On second thought, can I borrow three horses? One of them has to be pretty strong. No? You don’t understand sheriff stuff, do you?” –made of wince

These other comments were very close to being COTW-worthy:

“Wilson is weakening: in the fifth panel he has what I hope is the hose aimed squarely for Dennis’s head. Once you get your prey in your crosshairs, you fire, Wilson! Not learning proper military procedure is the real menace.” –Charles Nelson,Really!

“In Silas’s dream, he is now free to go back to not wearin’ shoes, as th’ Good Lord intended.” –Pozzo

“Coincidentally enough, Mr. Wilson has an example of an ancient calendar hanging in his own garage. It features pinup models in short, tight dresses standing in front of 1967-era convertibles.” –BigTed

“‘As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic vermin having sex with a dog as part of some weird lady’s cuckold fetish’ was too strange and disturbing, even for Kafka. Not so for Six Chix.” –Effluvius Erratus

“Movie clerk looks pretty upset about having brought Leroy Lockhorn a brief moment of fleeting joy. Understandable, though.” –Dan

“Good to see Thel staying completely covered up from the neck down. Some might see it as slavish adherence to the Keane Kompound dictates for the clothing of women of breeding age, but in reality it’s her long-term plan to get rid of her husband and children through the wonders of melanoma. No need for sunscreen, she tells them — that’s just a trick of godless science!” –But What Do I Know?

“‘Hotdog cleavage’ is simultaneously the worst thing comics have ever put in my head and the name of my new band.” –Keep the brand strong

“Uh-oh, looks like Dawn is about to add another notch to her bedpost! (Is the bedpost where you keep a record of boring, chemistry-free relationships? Perhaps she will add a notch to her flatpack IKEA dresser instead.)” –TheDiva

“I don’t know where you came up with ‘a little gassy,’ Ned, but golly, are we lucky you did! I already had the scalpel in hand and was calling ‘There’s no time for anesthesia!’ when you found that one in … what was that book? A doctor book or something?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Is it a coincidence that ‘real buzzer beater’ contains all the letters of Beelzebub, lord of flies? Going by the insects circling Henry’s head, I’d say no.” –Schroduck

“The lag time between writing and publishing a daily comic makes it pretty certain Dennis‘s writer thought this up during the NBA finals and then couldn’t wait until next year to unleash its humor on society. I’m looking forward to future time-lagged ‘punchlines’ like: ‘Can I have my cereal in this SUPERBOWL?’ (holds up large bowl at breakfast table, March 2018, menacing because Dennis doesn’t care about copyright and trademark law, to hell with the NFL) ‘Looks like Margaret could’ve used some more SPRING TRAINING’ (Margaret wincing by broken pogo stick, August 2019, menacing because Dennis both laughs at Margaret’s injuries and emphasizes that in sports, women are still considered second-class entertainment), and ‘I guess Mr. Wilson was right, we are a RED STATE.’ (Carrying a bloody machete, December 2020, menacing because he’s slaughtered his family and is now heading for Joey’s house.)” –Briane

“Somehow this manages to make the whole concept of humor less funny and the whole concept of sex less sexy, both at the same time.” –Larry McAwful

“In any other strip, ‘Have you been spying on me?’ would be a ridiculous question on its face, given that the alleged spy is 1. wearing a conspicuous Spider-Man costume and 2. alerting the Mole Man to his presence with a hilariously secretive ‘Psst!’ But since this is Peter Parker we’re talking about, it’s a legitimate inquiry. ‘Have you been spying on me?’ ‘What? Wait — what AM I doing here? Spying on you? Sure, let’s go with that!’” –Kevin Forest Moreau, on Facebook

“But how did Killer get in the hospital? My guess is either mace or syphilis.” –Steve S

“I think randomly shouting out the term ‘old timers’ is simply Ed’s way of reminding the others, ‘Hey, you degenerates, remember the elderly! We exist, we’re everywhere, and we don’t cotton to this loose talk! Now keep your mind on your painting, and stop all this jibber jabbering. In fact, let’s complete this task in total, tense silence.’” –Joe Blevins

“‘We’ve had three confirmed tornadoes and it won’t be long before they’re too close for comfort, because if there’s one thing that’s predictable it’s tornadoes. And I need horses. Totally impervious to tornadoes. Now get down to the storm cellar before you witness my face melting,’ said Don Stober, the alien visitor whose research totally misled him about what earthlings are really like.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Looking at that mustache and sideburns, I assume the ‘Ghost Town’ is the hipster Brooklyn hangout where he’s the bartender.” –Lawyerbob

“I really hope that today someone is reading Pluggers for the first time and assumes that an old man is just casually noticing that he’s transformed into a human-dog hybrid, as if it’s just another weird little quirk about the aging process.” –pugfuggly

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.