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Hey everybody, a couple notes before we get to our weekly top comments. First: We are one week away from the first Friday of the month, so you know what that means: the live comedy show I host, The Internet Read Aloud, is looming! Come to The Clubhouse in Los Feliz to see me and some other insanely talented people perform onstage and tell jokes about the Internet that we all know and love!

Don’t miss it! Here is the Facebook event, if you find those helpful in planning your social life.

Also: I’m about to take a little mini-blogcation, and as ever your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be here to fill in, so be nice to him! I’ll be back on Monday May 8th.

And now, your comment of the week, which shall reign supreme for a couple of weeks because Uncle Lumpy loves you all too much to choose amongst you:

“The Can’t-Can’t.” –Pamela Zoslov, on Facebook

And here also are your runners up! Very funny!

“Time to stare at the mailbox until that porn I ordered on Amazon arrives!” –Super Luigi 64

“‘Media’ is just Latin for ‘middle things’, right? So this is probably just a comment on how Hagar has lost his middle finger, very clearly shown in the first panel, and the prosthetic replacement he was hoping would be ready is still a distant dream.” –pachoo

“Dennis hears the adults around him chunter on about computer jargon and licks his lips as he realises there’s nothing they can do to stop him. He may no longer be a meatspace menace, but I guarantee he’s either raking in Social Security numbers and bank accounts, or he’s in the middle of writing some particularly grotesque viral fake news to disrupt the next European election cycle.” –Schroduck

“Those are all the snails I collected at recess last Friday. There’s a small hollow under the tree in the corner of the playground, so when I crawled inside I met the Ancient One, the Black Goat of the Woods, Shub-Niggurath! He’s just covered in snails! I just can’t wait until Monday!” –Chareth Cutestory

“You know how I can tell Mason Jarre doesn’t recognize sarcasm?” –lumaca morente

“Slipping on a Banana Peel: The Musical” –Rejax, on Twitter

I was in college and reading J.D. Salinger’s story ‘For Esme With Love and Squalor’ when I realized that ‘Esme’ is pig latin for ‘mess’ (and what better way to say ‘mess’ than in pig latin?) So, Derek Hoosier, if you’re going to have an affair with a showtunes entertainer in an enclosed environment with Mary Worth hovering, do make sure your new beloved is an emotionally troubled woman. I’ll bring popcorn.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Gosh, I like all the pretty costumes, like Little Bo Peep the Axe Murderer and her sidekick Elf Without Pupils. Yep. Real pretty.” –made of wince

“I wish there was room in the panel for Mason’s thought bubble while Cindy prattles on. It would just be an Oscar and a bunch of dollar signs.” –Doctor Handsome

“Auuuuugh! That pizza is getting cold. SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!” –Col.Havoc

“Don’t forget to bring your chips, Chipper! (Pun intended!) Because some guys from the Gambino family tell me they want to help you cash them in! (Pun possibly intended, I’m really not sure, it’s hard to tell verbal nuance when someone’s threatening your kneecap with a power drill.)” –Voshkod

“A bald funeral director stands behind a podium, surrounded by preternaturally happy faces. An unidentified woman films the proceedings at the Tomb of the Unknown Soul Stealer. Yep, the creators of Gasoline Alley definitely have direct access to my nightmares.” –Victor Von

“I must admit that at first glance, I read Dot’s line as ‘What kind of cellophane did you have?’ You know how kids these days love their cellophanes! ‘We had the real crinkly kind, the kind that sounds like a camp fire! Hey, Dot! Better pull your mukluks out of the cellophane before they scorch! That kind.'” –Deacon Blues

“Starlord, eh? And he’s from my world? He sounds dreamy! Tell me, is he a shadowy, stubbly drifter who’s capable of retracting his head into his jacket like a turtle? And does he have a beautifully maintained pompadour with a single wayward forelock? ‘Cause that’s how I picture him!” –Joe Blevins

“Looks like Mr. Wavering is suffering from YELLzheimer’s! Ha ha!” –Steve S

“It’s good to see Rocket quote, verbatim, the memo the Amazing Spider-Man team received from marketing.” –Dan

“Well, I guess that’s one reason we should’ve played basketball. Right, Jeffy? Jeffy? Keep making splashing noises, Jeffy!” –Droopy Says

“Yeah, too bad you already invested all that money in uniforms and equipment just to play five-man baseball on your street. What are you going to do with that riding field-line chalker now?” –pugfuggly

“It’s been my experience a woman who wears a top hat is usually a real tornado in the sack. They know how to ‘work the ol’ stovepipe’ if you know what I mean.” –Mumblix Grumph

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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So funny! Here’s the funniest one, in my opinion:

“I feel like doing ecstatic cartwheels because you can meticulously document your naps is doing laziness wrong.” –Doctor Handsome

But these others? Also very funny.

“Pluggers have to be drawn from at least the waist up when viewing lawn machinery.” –pugfuggly

“Self-induced diabetes: menace level 7.” –Zerowolf

“These jokes write themselves. It’s the only explanation I will consider.” –Rusty

“Wouldn’t it be funny if it were ‘the carpoop lane?’ I guess what I mean by ‘funny’ is, ‘funnier.’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“For example … Harper Lee’s novel … was not To Kill a Hummingbird. The pauses in my dialogue are kind of stilted and unnatural. You don’t have to tell me that, I’m a professional writer, I know. But I want you to know … through deliberate emphasis … how much contempt … I have for my students. [inhales deeply and slowly] [flips desk] Can’t get mad, wife had cancer.” –Dan

“I don’t know why Jeff looks so unhappy. He doesn’t have to be with Marvin tomorrow, he gets to keep his job despite the fact that he apparently routinely brings in a child whose smell is so rank that it’s a joke around the office, and unlike his colleague he didn’t have an arm amputated between panels two and three.” –matt w

“This might be the single most superfluous use of the word ‘successfully’ I’ve ever seen in my life.” –Joe Blevins

“Mark, quit making small talk with the kidnapper! You came here to count prairie dogs and they’re RIGHT THERE! Get your head in the game!” –Tom the Sailor Man

“You’ll be sitting at the captain’s table tonight! No, just you, the youngish hottie. We seat all the elderly busybodies in a section we call ‘yenta alley.’” –BigTed

“Sure, chandeliers are pretty, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes you just want to fuckin’ eat, with no distractions, you know what I’m sayin’?” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

“Thanks for leaving out books and plays. I guess I’ll have to retire my Seabiscuit cosplay for the next SDCC.” –Ruth McIlhenny Gormé, on Facebook

“For pluggers there’s still a prize in every box of cereal. Or there would be if they still had the ability to take any pleasure in life.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Pluggers know you got to really mix the strychnine into your husband’s cereal, because if you just sprinkle it on top of the bowl, he’ll get suspicious. She may look dead inside, but she’s looking forward to the $300 in their joint checking account, the $5,000 insurance payout, what’s left of the pension from the factory, and a little goddamn peace and quiet. Maybe, finally, she’ll get to see Branson.” –Voshkod

“I think I understand the expression. It’s knowing that her husband is going to give her a lecture about interfering with his cereal, he works hard and buys her a different box for a reason, why doesn’t she ever listen. And realizing that she doesn’t care what he thinks half as much as she does about this recipe, and what all these things mean about their marriage.” –pachoo

“Baldy has heard that it’s ‘gangster’ to hold your gun sideways, but hasn’t figured out which axis it is you’re meant to turn the gun in.” –Schroduck

“So we’re just going to collectively ignore the golden falcon scratching a rabbit’s balls. Just comment on other things like that didn’t just happen. This truly is the Kitty Genovese of Not Going For Low Hanging Comedic Fruit.” –Sexy Duck Cop

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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If you don’t know what time it is, here is a clue: It’s comment of the week time!

“2007 Handsome Les: Lose yourself in the writing process and you can achieve anything! 2017 Haggard Les: Let’s try updating popular idioms with new animals so our uncredited work can go ‘viral.’” –pugfuggly

It’s also time for some extremely hilarious runners up!

“They’re named Katie and Derek Hoosier because John and Jane Flyover was on the nose even for this strip.” –Doctor Handsome

“Can’t wait for Shoe to start demonstrating that same-gender dating can be just as dead-eyed and listless as any other humanoid avian interaction. Finally, we’ve achieved true equality!” –glitchtrack

“‘See you around, you stupid clown!’ ‘In the basement, Lisa’s replacement!’” –BigTed

“Do you ever write anything for Abductors Journal? It’s really all I have time to read these days. It used to be a much bigger deal but lately it’s mostly just shared content with RansomWeek and ads. Anyway, get in the trunk or I’ll shoot you in the gut.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“Dennis, this church embraces iconoclasm, as prescribed by Emperor Leo III. Keep your filthy simulacra out of this house of prayer, you dirty pagan!” –Ettorre

“If, as you previously guessed, the Mitchells are Episcopalians (or any denomination with bishops, really), then the fact that the minister is wearing black indicates that this is either a day of mourning (All Souls or maybe Good Friday) or an actual funeral. I therefore rate Dennis thrusting a badly wrapped stack of baseball cards into the minister’s hands in the middle of this solemn ceremony at least modestly menacing.” –Schroduck

“I don’t think these police are actually being heroic every day, given that they don’t know it’s a bad idea to hold your pistol directly by your face when you fire it.” –Steve S

“Leap into its watery embrace, Mary. Don’t look back.” –Steve Ott, on Facebook

“Only Toby is exercising. The others are trying to run away.” –lumaca morente

“For a long moment, the kidnap victim and the kidnapper exchanged a skeptical look, silently debating the merits of adding Mark to their group before the kidnapper broke the silence: ‘All right, move along, writer. How about you, pal? What do you do for a living?’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“PJ is giving that book a serious looking over, while pondering whether The House That Jack Built actually falls in the ‘Mother Goose’ category. ‘It’s more of a British folk song of the cumulative tale classification, you know.’” –Pozzo

“The narration box speaks volumes about why Dick is allowed to do what he does and how he does it. This is Tracy’s town, it’s Tracy’s way or the highway — most likely thrown on it face first. If that creates a new villain — say , Pavement Puss — so be it.” –Charles Nelson, really

“Everyone looks stunning when you wear your glasses over your cheekbones.” –Sara

“We’ve seen a lot of Milford locals celebrating minor sports victories, so it’s nice to see this tendency extending to other professions. ‘Our hard-hitting expose took down a member of the school board! Truly, this is our Watergate!’” –TheDiva

“Miss Buxley is worthy of attention not just because she is visually stunning, but because her lopsided bosom clearly indicates that she is an ancient Amazon, capable of shooting down a sparrow in flight or scaring the bejesus out of Hercules. Her continual chastity now seems logical, as does the obvious homosexuality of the heroes who surround her.” –rocketbride

“No, Les. She wasn’t using ‘hit the sack’ to refer to going to sleep. It was a euphemism! What she really is suggesting is kicking and punching your ball sack over and over and over again until you decide that Dead Lisa is dead and that you need to stop obsessing over her and pay some attention to your current wife.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“If Les has spent the evening ‘writing’ about Lisa, he’s already ‘spent,’ if you know what I mean. Oh, cool! I just grossed myself out!” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Sarah wanted to go to the public school because they speak in that classic Dead End Kids patois.” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys

“Wait … Cayla WANTS to have sex with Les? Which one has the necro fetish, again?” –boojum

“The way that window breaks the perspective of the wall, it’s clear that Chip is the worst student at MC Escher Non-Euclidian High.” –Call me Dirty

“Originally, this artwork was called ‘Jeffy Tries To Suck His Thumb … And Misses.’” –Joe Blevins

“Given the reference to homework, I thought Chip was at home, which means that Hi lost his job, their suburban house was foreclosed on, and the whole family moved to a two-bedroom basement apartment in their nameless city. I’m pretty sure that’s funnier than this strip.” –Lawyerbob

“Chip wondered, yet again, why his window in Amsterdam’s red light district attracted no customers.” –Voshkod

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in physical or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.