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Every week I read the week’s comments and pick the best one. This week is no different! Here you go!

“Sure, a trade school can teach the mechanics, but a general education in the liberal arts with a focus on communications allows for a richer implementation of torture. Any man with a hot poker can burn a prisoner, but it takes a deep familiarity with Foucault to know that torture is a ceremony — a public spectacle, really — meant to make the results of the secret investigation public and to reflect the violence of crime in the body of the accused.” –Sam Greelee, on Facebook

Also: runners up. They’re funny! Enjoy them!

“Heathcliff kills a fish, well, that’s just something cats do naturally. But in the very next panel, it’s a little disturbing to see a cat fucking a birdcage. (‘Little’ as in ‘hugely.’)” –Bruce Arthurs

“Oh–hee-hee! ‘Ms.Powers,’ that’s my mother. Call me Cilla. How’s your tea? Are you drowsy yet? Forget that I asked that last part.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Dennis is menacing us all with the antiquated notion of the gender binary!” –adhesiveslipper

“I was born here! I never lived anywhere else! I died here, back in 2007, and my body is buried in the basement! I’ve been haunting it ever since, and I’ll continue to do so until it burns down. Now, let’s talk about the closing costs!” –seismic-2

“Seems like dad has the right tactic: act as disinterested and obstinate as you can early and you’ll probably lose custody.” –pugfuggly

“The sheet of paper is a script. Camp Swampy is staging a production of Herb and Jamaal: The Musical.” –A Concerned Reader

“I scheduled you an appointment with a marriage therapist. Not me though. My half of the marriage is fine.” –Doctor Handsome

“I’d rather read a hundred Marvin strips about his dad’s hemorrhoid than one in which Mary Worth thinks about achieving simultaneous orgasms with Jeff.” –nescio

“Theory: the balloons are disappointed in their custodian and are trying to sell him at a rock bottom price, to no avail.” –Funkula, on Twitter

“Talking animals are one thing, but Boog’s familiarity with the legal system terrifies me. Has he been studying the law searching for loopholes? What potential crimes are being developed behind those black soulless eyes?” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“‘They won’t believe an owl’s testimony! No one gives a hoot about what you have to say! Whoooo do you think you are, anyway?’ [screaming begins as talons rip into eyeballs]” –Voshkod

“Did you know that owls participate in their own form of scrapbooking? They regurgitate pellets of undigested parts of their prey: bones, fur, feathers, hair, etc. Each pellet, like a scrapbook, tells a unique story of the contents of an owl’s recently eaten meals.” –Ned Ryerson

“I think the torturer was probably trying to tee up a question about his student loans, so he could heat up the brand and drop a ‘feel the burn’ pun, and now he’s all mad that he couldn’t follow through. ‘Fine. My major. It was communications. Look, piss off, I’m gonna go torture this guy.'” –Dan

“For a second I thought the glass of water on Jeffy’s nightstand was symbolic, like a ‘half empty, half full’ perspective kinda thing. Then I realized a glass of water is probably the best present someone like Jeffy deserves.” –Irrischano

“They say that if you rub Jerry the Waiter’s dome, your odds of scampi poisoning will decrease!” –Lacey Wootton, on Facebook

“What’s worse than being a man in your 50s still working in a wood-paneled casual seafood restaurant, providing $11.99 Salmon Specials to people who are far more financially comfortable than you? Having to do so in an ill-fitting tuxedo.” –BigTed

“Well, Crankshaft isn’t here, so I guess I’ll have to deliver a really labored malaprop myself. I want you to know in advance that I don’t feel good about this.” –Joe Blevins

“Rex is so bad at genuine human interaction he hasn’t noticed he’s wandered into a serial killer’s lair or that the little old lady is actually a middle aged man in a drooping skin mask. But hey, free antiques!” –EscapeZeppelin

“Claudia is once again made tremendously uncomfortable as the only woman in a car full of men talking about women’s bodies. ‘If that’s how they talk about Blondie, what do they say about me? And is Dwitzell leering at me or just trying to join the front seat alpha men with his eyes?'” –Adam Menendez

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Strange World Cthulhu: Shadow Over Texas: Veteran Comics Curmudgeon fan Donald Saxman has a new Kickstarter campaign ad for an HP Lovecraft monster fighting role playing game set in Texas in the roaring twenties. Even if you aren’t an RP gamer the “Strange World Cthulhu: Shadow Over Texas” adventure modules are interactive fiction and the Texas sourcebook should confirm all your most horrible suspicions about the Lone Star state. If that doesn’t sell you, haven’t you every wondered what would happen if the steam-powered Battleship Texas fought the ancient giant Deep One Dagon?
• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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This week’s funniest comment? This week’s funniest comment!

“Mary, I haven’t shaved my chest hair since you left. Now it’s like a forest down there. Just an FYI.” –Hogenmogen

The hilarious runners up? The hilarious runners up!

“Am I gonna f*ck this fish? You betcha. Are we gonna eat it after? You betcha. We’re Vikings. We’re gross.” –Tigernan Douglas Quinn, on Facebook

“Now here’s a manager who’s truly lost all control of his staff. ‘Don’t show up. Sleep until noon. Steal. That’s right, ignore me and start fucking each other. Have a big gross worm orgy right here in the conference room. It’s because I said it’s OK. I’m the cool boss.'” –Doctor Handsome

“You ever get the feeling Slylock keeps Max around just so he has someone to foxsplain these logic puzzles to?” –TheDiva

“In the world of Slylock Fox, fish are fully-sentient citizens. Yet, the detectives are carrying a fishing rod. They’re going to a ‘lakeside crime case,’ alright. But not to solve it. They’re planning on committing delicious, delicious murder. And on playing the ukelele, apparently.” –G. L. Dearman

“Ah, the Sunday comic. In comparison to the weekday strips, a seemingly infinite amount of space. I could fill it with witty banter, nuanced character development, pile up the gags, or even go full Watterson and use the space to create genuine art. [draws three panels of Francis sitting in a ski lift] Nailed it!” –Alan

“Can someone explain to me how birds who live in a tree are driving at all? What are they driving? Where are they driving? How are they driving? Oh, I get it, they’re driving us — driving us mad, that is, trying to work out how their world works. More than reckless, Your Honour, it’s downright homicidal.” –G’Quan

“I wanted to be an astronaut, but I touched down at Foofram & Co. No? Let me try again. I wanted to be an astronaut, but my career launched me to Foofram. Still no? Never mind; if you need me I’ll be in the garage with the car engine running.” –Nekrotzar

“As Gil and Mimi begin to get intimate, he whispers sweet nothings about Wake Forest University. At some point tonight they’ll simultaneously cry out ‘Muggsy Bogues, class of ’87!'” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Help me, Coach Kaz. I need to buy a house in 1978!” –Lorne

“For all the years living the ‘human’ lifestyle, sometimes pluggers just can’t help getting in touch with their roots sometimes. Unlike his ancestors, however, Mr Bear will be administering his own tranquilizer after he’s done with that trash.” –pugfuggly

“Arms crossed with dour expression. You’d think Jeffy of all people would recognize the warning signs of an impending temper tantrum.” –Kevin On Earth

“You’re a plugger if you use awkward grammar, apparently. ‘Hey honey, I found in the neighbors’ trash you are throwing away my shoes of tennis. Explain me this?'” –made of wince

“Solid or liquid assets? (Dear God, I’m so sorry.)” –Proteus454

“Good morning, everybody! Please take a moment to think about Sarge’s ass. Now, let’s all go out and have a stupendous day!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“It’s almost tragic to see that Sarge allows himself the slightest of smiles in panel one, as if to say, ‘This is nice. Just me and the guys, hanging out, enjoying each other’s company, the politics of the workplace temporarily set aside. Maybe this is the night my life turns a corner and I’m finally able to start forging meaningful friendships as an adult.’ Beetle ruins it all, of course, and for what? His joke elicits an angry scowl from Sarge and no reaction at all from Killer. Was it worth it, Private Bailey?” –Joe Blevins

“The dynamic in Mary’s and Dr. Jeff’s relationship is easily the single most real thing in the entire strip. She takes off for New York to be with friends she rarely sees and passively ignores him. Meanwhile, given his freedom to cat around Santa Royale, Dr. Jeff quickly and adroitly turns the narrative outward with an aggressive inquisition that puts Mary on the immediate defensive by essentially questioning her fidelity while keeping her from asking about his exploits. This is literally the subtext of every divorce that’s ever happened.” –GDBenz

“Does Tom Brokaw still know how to talk? I need a recording of him reading Mark’s panel one dialogue.” –Irrischano

“Mark works on the escape plan, while Gabe takes over the Having Facial Expressions Department. Guess which fella is working harder?” –made of wince

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Strange World Cthulhu: Shadow Over Texas: Veteran Comics Curmudgeon fan Donald Saxman has a new Kickstarter campaign ad for an HP Lovecraft monster fighting role playing game set in Texas in the roaring twenties. Even if you aren’t an RP gamer the “Strange World Cthulhu: Shadow Over Texas” adventure modules are interactive fiction and the Texas sourcebook should confirm all your most horrible suspicions about the Lone Star state. If that doesn’t sell you, haven’t you every wondered what would happen if the steam-powered Battleship Texas fought the ancient giant Deep One Dagon?
• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Post Content

Hey, all, thanks for everyone who answered my pleas about a New York City reading location last week. It turns out that trying to schedule multiple events in mutiple cities in a relatively short timespan is a pain in the ass and that’s why people have professionals do this for them, usually? But I’m proud to announce that now I’ve got a whole novel-reading and -selling tour lined up for myself … and for you. Here are the dates and places!

• April 26: Upshur Street Books, Washington, DC
• April 28: Atomic Books, Baltimore, MD
• May 2: The City Reliquary, Brooklyn, NY
• May 5: Talking Leaves Books, Buffalo NY

Anyway, you’re gonna be reminded of these dates repeatedly over the next few weeks, but if you live in or near these cities, please add them to your calendar now and plan your lives around them! And … if you’ve been thinking “Gee, I keep meaning to buy Josh’s novel, but I haven’t yet” and you also want to come to one of these events, I’d urge you to hold off and buy at the store, so they won’t regret inviting me!

But, with that business out of the way, let’s enjoy the comment of the week:

“Sheesh, this G-rated reboot of The Reverent is the worst.” –Little Guy

And let’s enjoy these hilarious runners up!

“Yep, but not for the reasons you think! If you assumed I had any semblance of fatherly concern for you, you’re way off base! I’m your agent, pure and simple, and the fact that you seem to have some sort of belief that I would protect you makes me realize that I should be fleecing you worse than I already am.” –Doctor Handsome

“Sure, sure, she ‘binged on real life’ … those are the most LSD-y stars I’ve ever seen.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Look, buddy, you can order a ‘Wand of Watoomb’ from several sites online. They’ll even send it in discreet packaging.” –TheDiva

“Sorry, all traces of menace disappear when Dennis shows glee at the idea of living past 27.” –Irrischano

“Once they read this scathing hit piece, kids’ll put down their Ataris and their Colecos, and then newspaper comics will be back on top, baby!” –Purple Prosecutor

“Since the logo panel can only depict a moment from the unsuccessful Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark (why else would Spidey be crouching theatrically beneath a literal spotlight?), this conversation about MJ’s Broadway stardom must be killing him. That smile Peter Parker maintains throughout this chat might be his single greatest act of heroism in months.” –Joe Blevins

“The passage ahead is going to tighten up on us! That’s what she — No, I’m only teasing, that wasn’t sexual innuendo at all! I’m the world’s least interesting man!” –Alter Ego

“I hope tomorrow’s strip is of a senile Crankshaft arguing with a pharmacy building about why it won’t take his bet.” –nescio

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds [delivering garbage to cats]” –Marcus Theory

“In the first panel of Momma, there’s about five feet between the Momma and the Child. In the second panel, there’s about three feet. Be grateful it stops there, because in about three panels more it will become the worst kind of Oedipal nightmare.” –Voshkod

“Chicken wire is a bold choice when making your own playpen for the kids.” –Rusty

“Dennis indicates his father is no longer as physically fit as he used to be and needs to be replaced. Instead of joking it off, Alice ponders the question. Henry feels a single bead of sweat run down his forehead as he stoically awaits her decision, trying to look as manly and robust as he can while wearing loafers. The silence lengthens.” –Ekudamram

“Mary Jane’s frustrations with her husband have hit a new level of passive-aggressiveness: ‘Yes, Peter, isn’t it funny that you’ve devoted your entire life to the study of science and have nothing to show for it, while Dr. Strange studies ‘magic’ and has a luxury apartment in an upscale neighborhood? I guess you’ve wasted your life and your talents. But you are Spider-Man, so that’s something, except how you were rescued by a powerless woman in a lab coat last week.'” –Dread

“Those damn wizards, with their grimoires and their staffs and their Trader Joes” –garrett, on Twitter

“All well and good, but what if your batista serving your afternoon latte offers you financial advice which runs contrary to this gem? Rex’s ‘thoughtful face’ is in for a workout.” –Kevin on Earth

“‘What’s a geezer?’ ‘A grown man who doesn’t think he has to put his clothes back on when the exam is over, apparently.'” –Dan

“So I suppose the non-pluggers among us don’t bother using lids? We just sort of risk spilling our coffee, staining our clothes, carpets, and furniture? Maybe we like scalding ourselves like lazy, wasteful morons. If so, that’s our business, thank you; at least we have goals.” –made of wince

“No, Josh, pluggers buy their coffee in cups from 7-11. Good old American coffee, not that hoity toity frappacrappa stuff that the yuppies pay so much for at their I’m-so-trendy Starbuck Jones stores with those barristers who look down their noses at you when you can’t pronounce whatever the hell it is that they call coffee in those weird venty-lenty-minty sizes they have instead of plain old large, double, and lunchbox thermos-full. Whenever I’m at 7-11, I always… er, I mean, on those rare occasions when I’m at 7-11, I usually see… uh, I mean, I would tend to speculate that probably… ah, I suppose that… Never mind, I have no idea what pluggers buy or how and where they buy it. No idea at all. Wouldn’t know. Have no experience in that culture. Those pluggers, honestly! What strange folks they must be. Sure glad I don’t know any and will never ever become one!!!”–seismic 2

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Strange World Cthulhu: Shadow Over Texas: Veteran Comics Curmudgeon fan Donald Saxman has a new Kickstarter campaign ad for an HP Lovecraft monster fighting role playing game set in Texas in the roaring twenties. Even if you aren’t an RP gamer the “Strange World Cthulhu: Shadow Over Texas” adventure modules are interactive fiction and the Texas sourcebook should confirm all your most horrible suspicions about the Lone Star state. If that doesn’t sell you, haven’t you every wondered what would happen if the steam-powered Battleship Texas fought the ancient giant Deep One Dagon?
• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.