“Setting aside that this rolling pin is clearly some sort of do-it-yourself erotic trampling device, the real issue is that the Pillsbury Doughboy wants to stop all those giant humans from poking him in the belly. You don’t need to change who you are for that, P. D.! Just use your words and set proper boundaries!” –MasterMahan

“‘Ah, that lasagna and cake really hit the spot. But for some reason I feel like there’s something I promised to do and forgot about…’ Hagar said, patting his belly in blissful ignorance as the slighted bartender barred all the exits of the Horrible home from the outside and tossed a torch onto the thatched roof.” –jroggs

“So how is all this wallowing in self-pity affecting Wilbur’s job? Isn’t he supposed to be an advice columnist? Mary’s worried now, but she’s really going to have her hands full when the Santa Royale police turn to her for help with a mysterious rash of despondent people who are simply drowning themselves in the toilet.” –cheech wizard

“Overall, Charterstone seems to be a place where it would naturally have a rather unpleasant odor. Slowly rotting seniors, dogs, litter boxes, whatever abominations Mary cooks, Toby’s ‘art projects,’ and the attempts to cover up everything with vanilla and camphor. No wonder Wilbur’s getting away with his apartment turning into a landfill; they’re all nose blind.” –Needless Exposition

“The one day of the year where Halftrack reflects on his incompetence. ‘It’s hard to get men killed in a stateside command but I’ve managed it.’” –Hibbleton

“I had thought that Wilbur had no redeeming features whatsoever, but if he tried to ghost Mary Worth he is a braver man than I.” –matt w

“‘Dementia is a blessing that allows me to forget the horrors of war.’ Ha ha! Always with the japes, Hi and Lois!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“You’re lucky to have supportive parents. Not everybody does. Take my parents … please.” –Cleveland Mocks

“This mustachioed man knows branding. In a world where the Dead Internet Theory states most of the web and apps are filled will fake engagement and AI generated ‘content’ from bots, a new maxim has arisen that states ‘Why would I bother to read something no one could be bothered to write?’ He’s taking that a step further, and is going back to the old technologies. It’s not enough that someone has to write it, now it’s ‘Why would I bother to read something no one could be bothered to write, have edited, then have laid out by the typographical worker, printed, distributed, and paid for with physical currency.’” –Philip

“As Charterstone manager (whether de jure or de facto), Mary is horrified by what she sees in Wilbur’s apartment. It is not so much the massive stacks of pizza boxes, Chinese food cartons, and Styrofoam food containers, nor is it the way that the floor is strewn with empty bottles of Wilbur’s favorite blue Scotch. She can even overlook the way that Dawn’s bedroom has been converted into some sort of crypt with a black wreath nailed to the door, outside which ceremonial offerings of fish food are piled next to the votive candles. No, what has Mary so horrified is Wilbur’s explicit violation of clause 24.81.57.3(a.6) in the Tenants’ Agreement, which clearly states that it is prohibited to re-paint an entire wall of the living room with a giant mural of a goldfish.” –seismic-2

“We are reminded daily that Dennis is a Menace and spends a good deal of time sitting in a chair as punishment for bad behavior. Now he’s embarking on a career as a life coach? Sorry, not buying it.” –Weaselboy

“Dreams of speeding (or overly slow) projectiles require a doctor with a more Freudian approach.” –MKay

“Huge props for Six Chix for actually drawing two identical dudes instead of just drawing one dude and copying the image. It doesn’t make the actual result any better but I appreciate the effort nevertheless.” –Veronica

“Gearhead Gertie takes place in a parallel universe where the backlash to the Oil Crisis was so bad that the US government collapsed and was replaced by a pro-car junta headed by the nation’s most beloved racing stars determined to protect drivers by any means necessary. But after the dream of opposition comes the reality of government, and now Gertie fears the promises of the revolution are being betrayed. Has she slain one dragon only to see another rise with a checkered flag in its mouth?” –Schroduck

“This is undoubtedly one of the toughest announcements that I’ve ever personally had to make, but after the speed trap at turn four at the end of the Daytona 500, we’ve lost Dale Earnhardt to an outstanding DUI warrant.” –Voshkod

“‘Whatever happened to romance?’ It’s being born! Right now speakers of vulgar Latin are transitioning to the languages that are going to be Italian, French, Spanish, etc., down the centuries. Don’t be impatient, Helga.” –Ettorre

“It’s not surprising that in a culture where all the women are taller and stronger than the men, they have no interest in males other than for the brief encounters required to create progeny — and after getting the job done, they return to their female-only, matriarchal society. The only exception is a married couple like Hagar and Helga — although she’s arranged for him to go off pillaging other countries for nine-tenths of the year in order to provide her with material goods, so their arrangement works out pretty well for her, too!” –BigTed

“Justin is doing his own thing, as always? No. I don’t believe it. Oh, wait … a lava lamp? I stand corrected.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Oh, I know why. It’s because Slylock is an adherent of Thomas Nagel’s epistemological skepticism, whose central premise is to doubt the existence of everything, including, but not limited to, Reeky’s proffered alibi. So that one was easy today. I’ll bet all the kids will get it!” –Bob Tice

“What is it about the weird bird world that Shoe takes place in that nobody can have a straight conversation? It must be hellish to live in a society where even the most basic of questions is met with either a stupid pun or a sarcastic jab.” –ectojazzmage

“So intrigued by whether the fish is the friend or the fish is the bed.” –LLM Cool J, on Twitter

“Wilbur has two paths to go from here. On the first, he processes this lesson about the impermanence of relationships and learns to let his attachment to Iris go, having achieved true inner peace. On the second he gets even weirder and, I dunno, marries his other fish.” –Dan

“What’s funny about that punchline is that it’s so overwrought Dustin’s dad must have been working on that for a solid week. I’d tell him not to quit his day job but it looks as though he hates that too.” –pugfuggly

“I’ve lost a couple of pets in my time, and one thing I never did was collapse against the fridge sobbing out urban legends about Walt Disney’s corpse.” –Schroduck

“Leave it there … I can’t come to the door right now! I’m using the bathroom! Oh, wait … I’m not in the bathroom, am I…?” –Charterstoned

“Say, did you know the ‘cola wars’ are considered to be an ongoing thing? That puts an Orwellian spin on today’s strip. (‘We have always been at war with Keurig Dr. Pepper…’)” –TheDiva

“Trixie is waging a war against the Mainstream Media, which is libelling her friend, the sun, saying it causes skin cancer.” –Ettorre

“Those snails are in the desert because that’s where you find the mutating radiation that has clearly turned them into oversized monsters, as 1950s science fiction movies always told us it would. I mean, look at those flowers: half the height of a flatscreen TV, and the snails dwarf them. The snails are huge. Fear the snails of Yucca Mountain.” –Vice President John Adams

“It’s just a silly comic, but I’m going to be spending the rest of my day wondering if snails are either so technologically advanced that they have televisions that work with no apparent power or signal/streaming sources, or so gullible that you can fool them into thinking they have a television by slapping a simple drawing onto a stand.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“So Justin’s evolved his pineal gland into a working third eye. Good for him; ain’t Theosophy great? Or at least peaceful and, these days, mostly extinct. I suppose he could have joined Aum Shinrikyo or Heaven’s Gate or the Unification Church or any other organization filled with crazed loons who have ambitious goals to rule or kill, but no, this is Rex Morgan, the ‘no soap, no opera’ of soap opera strips.” –Voshkod

“Goddammit, kid, it’s 5 of 6:00. I just got home from a long sweaty day perfecting the delivery system for Napalm, and I just want a drink. It is far too late in the day for ontology!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“He’s not being that good. He’s wearing his shoes while on the furniture, for one.” –taig

“When he was in prison for burglary, Malcom X became a voracious reader and would use the knowledge gained and his newfound faith to become one of the most influential civil rights leaders of the 20th Century. Dennis, however, has just become more and more spiteful. Literacy will be the first thing to go when he attains power.” –Philip

“You’re a plugger if you plan both your day and night around abusing a diner’s ‘Free refills!’ coffee offer.” –Truckosaurus

“The trick to Parent’s Day is to be the first parent to bail, leaving the other parent to parent.” –MKay

“It was developed by the US Army. They call it ‘Agent Citronella.’” –taig

“And Dot and Ditto are calling it ‘Parent’s Day’ even though it’s explicitly for two parents. Your parents may not be able to hear where that apostrophe is, but Sunbeam knows!” –matt w

“The fact that Lois wears an Aaron Rodgers jersey to bed says alarming things about their sex life.” –The Witch

“Looks like ‘rewilding’ the churchyard deconsecrated the soil, resulting in something that is clearly good for certain undead but maybe not ‘everyone.’ This proves what climate science opponents have been warning us for years: environmentalists are profane pagan simps who want to feed us to bloodsucking landed aristocrats. Who knew all you had to do to defeat Dracula was mow regularly?” –jroggs

“That is not an appropriate reaction to finding that your goldfish have died, so I hope this means they’ve somehow died gruesomely.” –Roto13

“Now, if you don’t mind my asking, Phantom, does your fabric breathe? Because, you know, it can get pretty hot in a jungle like this with a get-up like that! That’s why my friend and I here have sleeveless T-shirts, which serve the additional artistic function of identifying us permanently with the lower-class criminal element!” –Bob Tice

“Sure the school bus is sometimes unreliable, but do you know how hard it is to find one that can talk?” –But What Do I Know?

“Gil and Luke are saved by the bus, as not having any idea who their starting pitcher will be on the way to the game might be a new coaching low. [remembers just about any other Gil Thorp storyline] Not having any idea who their starting pitcher will be on the way to the game is standard operating procedure.” –Drew Funk

“The reference to A Streetcar Named Desire accidentally implies that Wilbur was an abusive husband to his goldfish, which is depressingly plausible.” –ectojazzmage

“‘And as the Great Net ascended and dragged her lover’s cadaver into the Dry Above, Willa was struck by the true horror of her situation. Stellan had at least found escape from their eldritch purgatory. She would forever remain the captive of The W’hlbah — and now, she would need to endure it alone.’ -From Spooky Fish Tales by H.P. Lovecarp.” –MasterMahan

“It’s not too late, Wilbur! You can still take Stellan to Dr. Ed for treatment, where I assume he will transplant Stellan’s name onto a younger, similar-looking goldfish.” –Anonymous

“The campaign has barely started and I’m not at all surprised that Gertie is already playing the race card.” –Peanut Gallery

“Stellan is literally the smallest thing flushed down Wilbur’s toilet in forty years.” –Where’s Rocky?

“I shudder to think how a reader unfamiliar with this strip might react to seeing this, what with the giant pig, the biblical allusions, and the name ‘Gazali.’ How do you explain that for Gasoline Alley, a topical news reference is the Teapot Dome scandal.” –pugfuggly

“This is what the Mitchell household is like when the father comes home: the mother is missing, likely passed out, leaving a pitcher of ‘margaritas’ made from tequila and lemonade on the kitchen table, and the kid has been there shouting for God knows how many hours but not brave enough to leave his chair. Just let the poor man have his James Bond attaché case cosplay, will you?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Bad news, Henry! Dennis is getting the Erasmian idea that individual humans have free will and thus can choose salvation instead of believing in Luther’s ‘servo arbitrio’ and Calvin’s predestination. Who let Jesuits in your house?!” –Ettorre

“Imeswine needs to be a terrible Goliath-like monster, so they made him an enormous pig demon. But he needs to be recognizable as the evil ‘Electric Acres’ city official, so they dressed him up in a button down shirt and polka-dot bow tie. But he also needs to fit in to the ‘vaguely Biblical times’ setting, so they gave him earrings and a scabbard. It’s a strawman designed by committee.” –TheDiva