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Guys! Next Thursday, in Los Angeles, you should come see my semi-monthly live comedy show featuring jokes based on material from the Internet but then interpreted and added to live, The Internet Read Aloud!

I’m really excited about all the comics we have on the bill this week, plus I’m going to be doing a bit about one of the two extremely minor Internet controversies I found myself embroiled in this month! Don’t miss it! And if you’re coming, tell me you’re coming on Facebook, why don’t you?

Another thing you shouldn’t miss: this week’s comment of the week:

“‘Dings’ are what I call my husband’s debilitating head injuries. Cute, right? I like to keep things light. So … when’s the Lisa’s Legacy run? I want to do my part to help people with uh-oh bye-bye disease.” –made of wince

Don’t sleep on the runners up, either!

“All right, who’s the big blabbermouth who told China about reverse psychology? Now we’re doomed! I hope you’re happy!” –Peanut Gallery

“You might think it’s condescending for the Parson to hold up three fingers to illustrate the concept of ‘three’ to Snuffy. But just look at the transfixed stare on Snuffy’s face at that moment. This is clearly necessary and appreciated.” –Joe Blevins

“Dennis has been caught in an unending nightmare, and whenever he awakes he finds the bad dream just starting again. On the bright side, he and his parents have something in common now.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Hmmm. Which of Dennis’ toys were trying to murder him in his sleep? The wagon seems unlikely, even though it did manage to get on his bed. Perhaps the piggy bank, sick and tired of being fed money, was planning to choke Dennis to death with a handful of pennies? It certainly has the look of someone pretending to be innocent. But we can’t discount the bear, a avatar of a brutal and savage species, that even in stuffèd form knows hate. And yet, my money is on the horrific sigil on the wall behind Dennis. We can see the hints of a halo, but it is no angel. It has drawn three X’s, for three strikes, over Dennis’ head. You’ve had your time, Dennis, but three strikes, and you’re out. Dennis’ parents will calm him, and he will reluctantly return to slumber, only to awake a final time as an inky tendril detaches from the wallpaper and slowly, so slowly, crawls into his ear.” –Voshkod

“Original caption: ‘These pills of yours are somethin’ else, Grandma! I took the whole bottle and I feel great! We’re goin’ to the hospital? Whoo hoo! Can I stick my head out the window like Barfy does? Boy am I sweatin’ like crazy!'” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“So this guy found the beaten and bruised body of Dick Tracy somewhere, maybe on the shore of the reservoir, and brought it home somehow, maybe in a wheelbarrow. And put it in his basement. Then yesterday he was making himself a nice cup of tea. Then he had a longer-than-he’d-have-liked chat with a cop at the door. The payoff is that, when Tracy goes into arrest, voids his bowels and goes stiff, ol’ Nigel Moustachio there is going to say, ‘Poor devil, his trenchcoat just wasn’t thick enough.’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“A Funky Winkerbean-themed event on September 11? Have we reached the Sadness Singularity?” –Flonatin of Bologna

“I don’t know why I’m nattering on, Les, you’ve known Bull for years. Oh wait, that’s right, you’re a self-centered jackass. So here’s a photo of Bull beating you up on spring break.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Elvis depicted as a human is a classic work of Plugger Surrealism.” –nescio

“Then for the next forty years he lived off despair and shitty pizza which further restricted the blood flow to his already half dead organ. His brain wasn’t doing well either.” –Mikey

“Looks like if you wear the right hat and concentrate really hard, you can use the Power of the Force to open child-proof pill containers. That’s how I get my Vicodin, anyway.” –hogenmogen

“Yeah, that’s the look of a dog doing something unspeakable to the upholstery.” –Pat Ferruzza, on Facebook

“The teacher has written to ask if she can hire Dennis as her interior decorator. In the meantime, Dennis contemplates whether it makes sense to knock down that wall for a more ‘open concept’ look.” –Lawyerbob

“That guy’s hairstyle isn’t actually a man bun, but what the hipsters are calling the ‘half Leia.'” –BigTed

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Without any ado whatsoever: your week’s top comment:

“Yeah, white nose syndrome. Shame there’s no cure for it, because after all that time I spent in the caves, I think I caught it. Yup, straight-up zoonotic infection. Maybe I shouldn’t have Eskimo-kissed all those bats, I dunno. Anyway, long story short, my nose is covered with white fungus, I can’t sleep, I’m losing weight even though I’m eating more bugs, and my sonar is all screwed up.” –Voshkod

And your hilarious runners up!

“I like his Archie Andrews beach body.” –Lisa Evans, on Facebook

“‘A simple device making him master of the city’s rooftops!’ promises the lead-in, only to follow it with a story about Spidey using them underground. I feel like this whole episode is intended to be product-placement, and in typical Spidey fashion, they screw it up.” –Briane Pagel

“I think that Spider-Man’s NEXT! box is a reference to the OT proverb, ‘Go to the ant, thou sluggard…’ Is the NEXT! box now quoting scripture to mock Spidey’s laziness? Forget super villains, now the Bible is attacking Spider-Man.” –Stefano

“‘Man, it’d sure be conspicuous if I tackled that thief! Everyone would know I’m Spiderman then! I better do something normal instead, like ejaculate web goo all over the ground to trip him up. Nobody would find that noteworthy in the slightest.’ The sad thing is, Peter may well be right. I’ve been on the New York subway.” –David Schraub

“You just know they take up the top three floors of the building, and one of them is nothing but a giant lazy river for the staff.” –Chuck Baudelaire, on Twitter

“Realistic enough for arm hair, whimsical enough for computer-generated shading: everyone set your laff-o-meter for ‘debilitating stroke.’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“‘It was too subtle, wasn’t it. Hang on.’ (adds T to sign, ‘PYM ANNTEX’)” –Dan

“Ma Keane wore a mesh bikini to the kiddie pool, and big dark sunglasses to hide her tears and the crow’s feet that makeup barely cover anymore. She stands on the edge of the pool with a beach towel that was chic and in fashion when she bought it four pregnancies ago, but now bears the memories of baby puke, doggie accidents, and a leaky roof that left an orange outline on the bedroom ceiling and a rough spot on the towel from mopping up the water. A mesh bikini is her way of defiantly screaming back into the void, daring it to come for her, terrified that it will. She just wants her youth back, Josh. That’s all. Just for one day. Let her have this.” –Matt Algren, on Facebook

“Dagwood’s weirdest and scariest body modification is forever and always his haircut.” –nescio

“You! Halt!! It appears you dropped your passport!!! Here you go!!!! Enjoy your day!!!!! Every time I talk I add an exclamation!!!!!! I don’t know why my wife stays married to me!!!!!!!” –Chareth Cutestory

“Halt! No musical numbers allowed!” –Dragon of Life

“The retractable disco ball was an expensive addition to the lab and Ant-Man will be damned if it is used for anything less than an office party.” –Kevin on Earth

“What a great night’s sleep! I even woke up!” –Ettore

“Les looks sad and sympathetic on the outside, but inwardly he’s already trying to come up with a title for his new traged-ography. ‘Let’s see… The Silence of the Bulls? …Slow Decline on the 50 Yard Line? …Almost As Sad As Lisa (But Not Quite)?’” –pugfuggly

“Everyone is rolling their eyes at all of this, but I, for one, welcome this development. In fact, I’d like to see more cast members come down with untreatable, progressive, and most of all painful — to themselves and/or the people around them — conditions such as Bull apparently suffers from. Funky can learn that he didn’t quit in time and that his liver is shutting down! Comic Book John can learn that over the years he has inhaled fatal quantities of carcinogenic ink! Les can learn that he has a muscular disease that causes his face to twist into a rictus at the proper stimulus, and that will progress until a mere bad pun threatens to make his entire head twist off of his body!” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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UPDATE: Holy cow, against all expectations, I sold out of these! Thanks so much, guys — books will ship out later this week. If you’re looking to buy non-damaged, non-discounted versions, try here or here, or, if you love the Amazonian behemoth, here.

Hi all! If you read my exhaustive breakdown of how much I made and spent on my Kickstarted novel, you might’ve noticed I mentioned that some of the hardcover books arrived from the printer damaged. The defects were enough that TopatoCo didn’t feel comfortable selling them, but are also fairly minor. Here’s one of the damaged books:

The defect is a split in the material of the cover at the top left — here’s a close up:

While sub-optimal, this split doesn’t seem to be causing the book to come apart or anything like that. And so, for those of you who saw the Kickstarter and said “Enh,” and then saw the book for sale and still said “Enh,” I’m offering these slightly damaged hardcovers at steep discounts! Instead of the $25 plus shipping you’d pay retail, you can get these for a mere $9, plus $3.09 shipping and handling, while supplies last! Click the link below to buy — you’ll go through PayPal, but you don’t need a PayPal account to purchase the book, just a credit card.