“I’m starting to think Momma is some weird post-modern deconstruction of a Henny Youngman joke. ‘Take my wife, please!’ he says, and then we cut to his wife’s lonely and emotionally stunted backstory. So I can’t believe I’m saying this, but ‘that seems a little highbrow, Mell Lazarus.'” –Dan

“The ultimate insult to your legacy is having your tombstone engraved with Comic Sans.” –johnny lt

“I like that Momma’s bedside photo of her late husband seems to be a cropped mugshot following an arrest at a black tie event.” –pugfuggly

“I’m going to ignore for a second the ongoing manifesto statement of Judge Parker of ‘Awful, rich, asshole gets whatever he wants handed to him on a silver platter because … money! or something’ because the title of The Emeritus’ turrible no good book is The Chambers Affair which sounds like a sub Nora Roberts romance destined to be filmed as a made for TV film for Lifetime or Hallmark network. I can just see the character of Judge Parker played by Dean Cain looking for love in and out of the courtroom. The co-star will be Tori Spelling, a fiery defense attorney who will be filing a motion for romance. ‘Objection, your Honor! I love you!'” –Sloth

“Judge Parker has learned the greatest lesson of 21st Century life: there’s never a ‘wrong’ or ‘grossly inappropriate’ time to cross-promote. I think if Flaco were to toss him into a ravine, his last words might well be, ‘Be sure to like The Chambers Affair on Faaaaaaacebooooooooook!!!!'” –Joe Blevins

“I am guessing that this is how this particular story arc ends and in general represents the future of the strip. Danger or crime threatens and Spider-Man arrives late after everything has been taken care of. Next! Kraven saves a toddler at the city zoo from a wild gorilla on the loose — meanwhile while Spiderman searches for his costume — the one he just had cleaned.” –Joe Momma

“Ever seen a red school bus, Edward? Neither have I, Edward, but my imagination is running wild. I think I’ll paint this school bus red, Edward. So red. So very, very red. Edward” –Roto13

“This is Charterstone, not some backwater condo complex! The swimming pool has always been filled with Holy Water. Why do you think Wilbur is never seen in the pool? Also, free flowing LSD in the Charterstone water supply would explain a lot.” –Mikey

“Pluggers are also on a first name basis with the guy who says ‘hey, either buy something or get the fuck out.'” –Digger

“I worked as a nature counselor at a summer camp. In real life, if Mary had sonorously proclaimed ‘Even plants have something to teach us!,’ she might have elicited the chant ‘B-O-R! I-N-G! That’s the way we spell bor-RING bor-RING! UH-UH! Bor-RING!'” –Poteet

“‘I just needed some clerical advice!’ Jerry sobbed as he clutched the dozenth foreclosure notice he’d had no choice but to sign that week. Was this right? Was this … Christian? Would God forgive him, for turning children and mothers out into the street? Why didn’t the reverend ever answer his phone, when Jerry was going to such lengths to identify himself as a person, as himself, rather than just a faceless and heartless financial conglomerate?” –Dragon of Life

Luann: “The students can queue up in any order they want. Since a Pitt H.S. education is completely worthless, graduation consists of ‘There’s a stack of diplomas. Just grab one from off the top and write your name in the top line. No, you won’t be graded on the spelling.'” –seismic-2

“I am not a bully! I’m an art critic!” –BigTed

“Rex Morgan MD makes the controversial case for social promotion — after thirty years in the same grade a kid will start acting out.” –matt w

Spider-Man: “With eight tentacles, just imagine what a useful, productive citizen Doc Ock could be! Why, he could simultaneously: (1) rescue a kitten from a tree; (2) rock a colicky baby to sleep; (3) open the door for a woman carrying shopping bags; (4) guide a blind man across a busy intersection; (5) retrieve a child’s ball from a storm drain; (6) stop a runaway horse pulling a carriage full of tourists; (7) help a businessman gather up papers that spilled from his briefcase; and (8) tenderly pleasure a lonely widow.” –Perky Bird

“When a plugger retires, his clothes are rejected by charitable organizations because pluggers have terrible sartorial taste. Also, urine stains.” –Nekrotzar

“I don’t know which deity sent that lightning bolt, but I refuse to worship such a lousy shot. Reload and try again, big boy.” –Droopy Says

“The Gazebo had grown tired after long years in this hellscape. It had seen so much; life, death, fleeting happiness and long, bitter misery. Weddings, funerals. The rollicking noise of band concerts and the quiet whimper of stealthy murder. It was time to put an end to it. One final wedding, one final, futile attempt to see some true happiness, but it felt nothing but rage. The Gazebo willed forth the lightning from the sky; galvanic currents stirred long-dead wood. The Gazebo ripped one support from the hard grasp of the dirt. Nails screeched, boards groaned in protest. Yes, it thought as the humans began to flee, run away, run away from me, from this town, from your sad little lives.” –Voshkod

“And with that one, lone golf ball, everything started to change. Who could have guessed that a lone action like hitting a caveman in the nuts would have such a profound effect on the here and now? Sir Rodney didn’t even notice at first, the grass wilting at his feet, the groundsman slowly winking out of existence. But then his house, half the kingdom, the Wiz, all vanished in a heartbeat, their advances to science and medicine gone forever. ‘Have this man arrested for performance enhancing drugs!’ a plague rat yelled at him from atop a pile of corpses. Rodney just sighed. 17 more holes to go.” –Tophat

“It’s difficult to say what is most attractive about Boog from Little Blond Girl’s perspective. Is it his unblinking glassy black eyes? His black sweatshirt that glows an eerie red for some reason? The way he deftly uses that non-descript metal object to punctuate his every thought and feeling? His ability to emit tiny black hearts at will like some impish wizard? What IS it?” –Flippin Arkansas

“Meanwhile, Snuffy realizes that he’s in Count Weirdly’s virtual-reality chamber when he sees celery and a bunch of yeller bannaners in Loweezy’s shopping bag. Might as well have a gorilla and a goddamn tree sloth.” –Oregonian

Apartment 3-G: “Meanwhile, back in New York, Margo has quit her job as a publicist and is now *rolls dice* a hot dog vendor.” –Liam

“Incurable disease? Boring! I’m more interested in the story behind that tripoded chimera child wandering the halls.” –sporknpork

“But it was only later, when they insisted that she put on wire-frame glasses and a beard, that Sarah realized that she was the central part of the special Toulouse Lautrec exhibition.” –odinthor

“‘DINNER WAS WONDERFUL AND NOW I’M GOING OUTSIDE!’ Cabbage and baked beans again, huh?” –pugfuggly

“Now that Carol’s demanded a big fat kiss, I’m about 60% sure she’s not Jack’s mom.” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“In the third panel of today’s Mark Trail, we see the horrifying fate of rebellious waffles in Lost Forest. Nailed to a wall and left to the mold. Don’t cross Mark and Cherry, breakfast food. Just don’t.” –Voshkod

“‘How many kids are going to be in this group, Ms Lanning?’ ‘I’m not sure … it’s a busload! I could count the seats or something, but that just smacks of math. I have people for that.'” –Enlong

Apartment 3-G: “Tommie better watch out — Carol could kill her in front of a dozen witnesses and the cops would never be able to get an accurate description of her. ‘Yes officer, I saw the whole thing — the perp was 5’ 10” and about 40 years old.’ ‘No, no, no — she was only four feet tall and couldn’t have been more than sixteen!’ “Well, one thing we all agree on — she couldn’t stand in one place for long, and her neck swiveled like an owl’s.'” –Tom, the Sailor Man

Mary Worth: “Glad to see Tommy upped his game from panel 1 to panel 2 by switching his tight T-shirt for a looser one with a scooped neck, all the better to give Tina a tantalizing glimpse of the uppermost tuft of his chest hair, a.k.a. The Sternum Bush. Tommy knows that all ladies love themselves a little bit of sternum bush, and hopefully it will distract Tina from noticing how freakishly dilated his eyes are when he stares at her lovely, Keane-Kid sized head.” –gelded wilderbeeste

“I love Weezy’s look of seething rage in that last panel. ‘It’s one thing to poison folks,’ she thinks. ‘It’s quite another to look so damn smug about it. They may tolerate that in Funky Winkerbean, but that’s in that godless Ohio. This is Hootin’ Holler! When you be makin’ a punchline up here, you best be sticking out yore tongue!'” –Guts Dozier

Mary Worth: “Huh, so ‘gentleman’ is the code for creepy guy who offers to get me alone within 10 seconds of meeting now? It’s so hard to keep up with slang these days.” CanuckDownSouth

“Roombas are programed to target concentrated areas of dirt and filth. I’m just saying.” –TheDiva

“I’m just taking a moment to enjoy the confused look on the faces of the vikings holding the now-superfluous battering ram. ‘Uh, so do we, uh … I mean, what do we do here? Do we still run headlong into the door, or…?'” –Joe Blevins

“Actually, it really is surprisingly depressing to see Pluggers quote ‘Fake Plastic Trees’. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE RADIOHEAD, YOU BASTARDS. GO BACK TO HANK JR. YOU CHOSE THIS PATH, NOW WALK IT.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Cherry should have known better than to leave ‘the talk’ to Mark.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“It’s black and white. But it’s always called Le Chat Bleu, because if there’s one thing that doesn’t make you look like a pretentious douche, it’s naming the personification of your mental state in French.” –Horace Broon

“Wait, I thought the talking cat represented death, or maybe just cancer-death? I dunno, this is Funky Winkerbean, I guess it can be two things, as long as one of the things is cancer.” –Dan

“I was going to say here that Tommy could use the prison experience to his benefit by explaining that his assigned duties were janitorial and that he is very familiar with the instruments of dirt removal and has kept abreast of the latest developments in cleaning technology in the trade periodicals. But look at what a shit-ass job he’s doing in his own flashback. It’s like he’s never seen a goddamned mop before. Don’t have that flashback in front of Jerry, or the gig is gone.” –hogenmogen

“A ‘guilt trip’, dear? I wouldn’t call it that but I can see how you would. Would you like a salmon square? Oh, that’s right. It reminds you of things you are suppressing. Grey, garish things.” –tallyHO

“Last year’s county fair a had a pretty lackluster freak show tent, so Jack is really hoping that the twin calves are conjoined. To be honest, we’re all hoping.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I really hope you’re kidding, Carol. Jack has made it clear that I am not to fall in love with him until I’ve mucked out the stables 35 times. Only 15 more to go, and then I can—Oops! Look at the time! Jack allows me one potty break at 10:00, and it’s 9:58. Gotta run!” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“Oooh, I wonder how they’re going to stage a catfight without anybody touching or making eye contact.” –TheDiva

“‘Dr. Octopus sure is a pussycat lately.’ ‘Yeah, as it turns out, the most dangerous thing about him were those powerful metal tentacles attached to his torso that he could control with his mind.'” –pugfuggly

“I hope this strip continues to gradually de-power its characters one-by-one until it’s finally through being a silly affair about an insecure, petulant, ineffectual superhero self-contradictingly titled The Amazing Spider-Man and becomes a poignant and brooding character study simply called Man.'” –Perfesser Wut

“I’m intrigued by the implication that ‘lately’, while still in prison, Dr. Octopus had been allowed to keep his metal tentacles. ‘Remember two weeks ago before they took them away? I’m still hosing the blood out of the guard’s breakroom in cellblock D. I guess that’s one way to bust a union.'” –David Schraub

“I am 99% sure that there is nothing in the Declaration of Independence that could be construed as a commentary on workplace safety issues, at least not by conventional standards of jurisprudence. In fact, I had thought that it was one of the few things that anti-regulation Tea Partiers and abortion-crazed liberal Obamaites revered in common. Although I suppose that none of that will matter in ten seconds, after school bus 110 has tragically crashed in the forest while going 95 miles per hour, while some bunnies watch in shock and horror as the grisly carnage unfolds before their adorable eyes.” — Chad Sexington

“If the new boss actually has to say ‘we don’t abuse each other,’ you know something really bad went down with your predecessor, probably involving cops and lots and lots of lawyers.” –BigTed

“Hangovers are a great way to celebrate a dry, hot climate — you can synchronize your pounding headaches with the relentless noontime sun.” –made of wince