“What family does Declan have now? Not the one he’s marrying into, for sure: several key clauses in the pre-nup have made that quite clear.” –pugfuggly

“I doubt that there’s anything in Chunky Monkey that could choke an osprey, which can swallow a small fish whole. It’s the theobromine poisoning that will get him.” –matt w

“The beret tells us Schemeese is French, and I think it’s kind of sweet that for his execution they’ve tied him to a giant baguette.” –Peanut Gallery

“They still get a paper delivered? Is Ditto going to start a scrap metal drive for the war effort tomorrow?” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys

“I imagine a lot of Elon Musk fans aren’t familiar with the Phantom, so here’s a quick primer: he’s a white African born into wealth and privilege, who claims to be saving the world but who seems to spend a lot of time lurking in his high-tech base trying to eugenically breed his successors, and he’s going to meet a superhero in striped underpants.” –Schroduck

“That ‘SLAP!’ isn’t the sound of a newspaper being delivered. It’s a guy masturbating under their window. But Hi can still lament the changes in the world. In his day, a guy had to go down to the adult book store with the peep shows to do that. Today’s kids feel entitled to jerk off in his rhododendrons.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Does Gertie’s flashlight actually produce light or just place a wedge-shaped ‘day filter’ over part of the panel?” –MRNA Loy, on Bluesky

“This will really give us insight into how long the lead time on your typical Phantom strip is. Will Ian Mollusk be portrayed as a super-genius? It’s over four years. Will he be portrayed as kind of a doofus? About two years. Will he be portrayed as attempting to build a new utopia on the Moon, but only for white snails with divorced snail energy? Then these strips are being written right now. Anyhow, I applaud the fact that the rocket is still drawn like they drew them in the 1950s, some things should be eternal.” –The Ghost of Jarrod

“Dithers is an alien originally from a planet made out of Dagwoods (since destroyed).” –nescio

“Are you suffering from grief and major depression? Hi, I’m Mary Worth for Marworthxli, the fifteen minute cure!” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Is that tree moving, or is Roz’s place actually a revolving restaurant? You’d think a cool feature like that would bring in a lot more customers, but I guess a great view doesn’t mean as much when everyone’s a bird.” –BigTed

“It’s funny cuz ‘top’ has more than one meaning! …Hold on. It’s not funny. Never mind.” –Weaselboy

“[Minutes earlier, a text conversation…]
M – Jeff, my friend, I have a favor to ask of you.
J – sure mary whats up
M – Have you ever done a burial at sea before?
J – uh cant say i have
J – why
M – My dear friend Wilbur has been very sad lately and no longer values himself properly.
M – He isn’t taking my advice and I’m displeased by his poor attitude.
M – So after some thought, I figured this would be the best solution.
J – haha
J – wait are you serious
M – I’m always serious, Jeff.
M – This is what’s best for Wilbur.
J – holy shit
J – uh
J – okay
J – since its for you
J – bring wilbur in the morning
J – there will be less people around
M – Yes, this is a private matter. Thank you for being understanding, Jeff. See you tomorrow.
J – god help us for doing this
M – He surely will, Jeff. He surely will.” –jroggs

“‘Next assignment — come up with an idea for a comic strip about military life, that’s been running daily for over 70 years. That narrows the possibilities for originality. How about [scans Internet, hits a recipe site] pie? And with pie for a premise, what’s a punchline? [reads further on the recipe page] Ice cream! That combo is a [checks vocabulary list] knee-slapper! Now for the military part: the guys cooking and eating the pie are soldiers! Done!’ So today we have further evidence that at Walker-Browne Enterprises, even the artificial intelligence that produces the strips has a tee time. Hey, maybe this strip wasn’t its best work, but there was only three milliseconds left before robot golf!” –seismic-2

“That’s right, General, Sarge used French. I think he’s the enemy agent we’ve been looking for. Get the MPs over here quickly because … j’accuse. What? No, I said ‘I accuse.’ I accuse Sarge. [Cookie hung up the phone, humming ‘La Marseillaise’ quietly.]” –Voshkod

“Exxxxxcellent. Wilbur is wearing his best suit, which means he’s probably wearing his slippery, black, leather-soled dress shoes instead of the boat shoes worn by experienced sailors. If he doesn’t slip overboard first, Dr. Jeff will certainly toss him into the briny deep just for leaving scuff marks on the deck.” –Charterstoned

“Hi, I’m Chip and this is my temporary girlfriend, Chippina.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Wilbur, like myself, is an enthusiast of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream. He’s also somehow found a supermarket that carries it in half gallon containers and not just the usual pints. I’ve simultaneously identified with and experienced jealousy for Wilbur Weston this morning. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to sleep forever.” –Kevyn on Video

“I hope the duck cop in this town realizes how more effective superhero cosplayers are than Sherlock Holmes cosplayers when it comes to stopping crime. Not everything has to be a damn riddle.” –Flipper

“Wilbur, maybe you should try a new dating site … Have you heard of Plenty of Fish? Aw, no, stop weeping … it was too soon, I can see that now. How about Christian Mingle? You’d just have to avoid their logo … Okay, okay, I’m out. I’ll be back with some muffins, just take a shower or something. This place smells like a fish died in it, and I don’t think that’s even the reason why!” –BigTed

“Very good that the punchline(?) is that Dagwood’s son clearly got bored and left the couch after the first one of these and just left his father to sink into his standard depressive huddle. Great stuff.” –Veronica

“So Dagwood’s dream was to take existing IPs and put a different spin on them? That’s a little too on the nose coming from the writer of a legacy comic.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Can I ask how Marvin’s dad’s office is meant to work, if no-one knows what he does? Let’s say someone has some copy to be edited, or whatever. Do they just sit fuming at their desk wishing they had a copy editor? Is there some elaborate email redirect situation to disguise his identity? A Potemkin editorial office staffed by a scarecrow? Whatever it is, this doesn’t seem compliant with ISO 9001 standards for quality management.” –Schroduck

“‘After decades in your role, we’ve decided to promote you to copy editor’ is in and of itself pretty depressing, until you realize that if he’s not allowed to tell anyone, they’re definitely stiffing him on a raise.” –Dan

“The victim stares in wonder and awe, for the robber is masked. The caped crusader is masked. The cat is masked. The dog alone is not masked. He’s a dog, he doesn’t give a shit, he just likes beating up on cats.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“What’s the deal with the new kid trying to bully us? Why is he not succeeding? I mean we’re obvious dinguses and you just gave a list of reasons why you should be the school’s social pariah just the other day, so this should be like shooting fish in a barrel. What is that dude’s problem?!” –2+2=7

“Glad to see Paul and Abe work with Bob at Bob’s Barf Salon. Maybe they will be able to open up their own barf salons one day.” –KMD

“Blondie can’t fool us. This is a reprint of a strip from 1982 with VHS replaced by YouTube. In another 15 years it’ll be redone again with TikTok or Instagram, to tickle the nostalgia receptors of an as yet undiscovered fanbase.” –ValdVin

“I don’t want Meta forcing us to go through a bizarrely exaggerated series of mouth shapes of the kind animators use to sync mouth motion with speech. But iiiiiiit’s tOOOOOOOOOO layeeeeeeT.” –Peanut Gallery

“I’m really pulling for the end of this story to be that Stellan and Wilma have died like three hundred times from Wilbur’s neglect but up until now Dawn’s been there to replace the dead fish and stop her dad from spiraling into [waves arms] all this.” –Hazard Hostile, on BlueSky

“That horrible moment when you realise the second person on a list of people who need you alive is a fish, and the first was an exaggeration.” –Applemask

“Ever wonder why we have periodic E. coli outbreaks? Ever wonder why veggies are always the culprit? Turns out, there’s a weirdly corporate and possibly supernatural explanation!” –Victor Von

“‘We need to clean his potty chair. Can you go do it?’ I’m not sure where this conversation is taking place but I’m not surprised it’s as far away from Marvin as possible.” –Hibbleton

“Setting aside that this rolling pin is clearly some sort of do-it-yourself erotic trampling device, the real issue is that the Pillsbury Doughboy wants to stop all those giant humans from poking him in the belly. You don’t need to change who you are for that, P. D.! Just use your words and set proper boundaries!” –MasterMahan

“‘Ah, that lasagna and cake really hit the spot. But for some reason I feel like there’s something I promised to do and forgot about…’ Hagar said, patting his belly in blissful ignorance as the slighted bartender barred all the exits of the Horrible home from the outside and tossed a torch onto the thatched roof.” –jroggs

“So how is all this wallowing in self-pity affecting Wilbur’s job? Isn’t he supposed to be an advice columnist? Mary’s worried now, but she’s really going to have her hands full when the Santa Royale police turn to her for help with a mysterious rash of despondent people who are simply drowning themselves in the toilet.” –cheech wizard

“Overall, Charterstone seems to be a place where it would naturally have a rather unpleasant odor. Slowly rotting seniors, dogs, litter boxes, whatever abominations Mary cooks, Toby’s ‘art projects,’ and the attempts to cover up everything with vanilla and camphor. No wonder Wilbur’s getting away with his apartment turning into a landfill; they’re all nose blind.” –Needless Exposition

“The one day of the year where Halftrack reflects on his incompetence. ‘It’s hard to get men killed in a stateside command but I’ve managed it.’” –Hibbleton

“I had thought that Wilbur had no redeeming features whatsoever, but if he tried to ghost Mary Worth he is a braver man than I.” –matt w

“‘Dementia is a blessing that allows me to forget the horrors of war.’ Ha ha! Always with the japes, Hi and Lois!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“You’re lucky to have supportive parents. Not everybody does. Take my parents … please.” –Cleveland Mocks

“This mustachioed man knows branding. In a world where the Dead Internet Theory states most of the web and apps are filled will fake engagement and AI generated ‘content’ from bots, a new maxim has arisen that states ‘Why would I bother to read something no one could be bothered to write?’ He’s taking that a step further, and is going back to the old technologies. It’s not enough that someone has to write it, now it’s ‘Why would I bother to read something no one could be bothered to write, have edited, then have laid out by the typographical worker, printed, distributed, and paid for with physical currency.’” –Philip

“As Charterstone manager (whether de jure or de facto), Mary is horrified by what she sees in Wilbur’s apartment. It is not so much the massive stacks of pizza boxes, Chinese food cartons, and Styrofoam food containers, nor is it the way that the floor is strewn with empty bottles of Wilbur’s favorite blue Scotch. She can even overlook the way that Dawn’s bedroom has been converted into some sort of crypt with a black wreath nailed to the door, outside which ceremonial offerings of fish food are piled next to the votive candles. No, what has Mary so horrified is Wilbur’s explicit violation of clause 24.81.57.3(a.6) in the Tenants’ Agreement, which clearly states that it is prohibited to re-paint an entire wall of the living room with a giant mural of a goldfish.” –seismic-2

“We are reminded daily that Dennis is a Menace and spends a good deal of time sitting in a chair as punishment for bad behavior. Now he’s embarking on a career as a life coach? Sorry, not buying it.” –Weaselboy

“Dreams of speeding (or overly slow) projectiles require a doctor with a more Freudian approach.” –MKay

“Huge props for Six Chix for actually drawing two identical dudes instead of just drawing one dude and copying the image. It doesn’t make the actual result any better but I appreciate the effort nevertheless.” –Veronica

“Gearhead Gertie takes place in a parallel universe where the backlash to the Oil Crisis was so bad that the US government collapsed and was replaced by a pro-car junta headed by the nation’s most beloved racing stars determined to protect drivers by any means necessary. But after the dream of opposition comes the reality of government, and now Gertie fears the promises of the revolution are being betrayed. Has she slain one dragon only to see another rise with a checkered flag in its mouth?” –Schroduck

“This is undoubtedly one of the toughest announcements that I’ve ever personally had to make, but after the speed trap at turn four at the end of the Daytona 500, we’ve lost Dale Earnhardt to an outstanding DUI warrant.” –Voshkod

“‘Whatever happened to romance?’ It’s being born! Right now speakers of vulgar Latin are transitioning to the languages that are going to be Italian, French, Spanish, etc., down the centuries. Don’t be impatient, Helga.” –Ettorre

“It’s not surprising that in a culture where all the women are taller and stronger than the men, they have no interest in males other than for the brief encounters required to create progeny — and after getting the job done, they return to their female-only, matriarchal society. The only exception is a married couple like Hagar and Helga — although she’s arranged for him to go off pillaging other countries for nine-tenths of the year in order to provide her with material goods, so their arrangement works out pretty well for her, too!” –BigTed