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Enjoy your first comment of the week of the post-daylight savings time season!

“Ionesco-like bedtime story about Ueizzi The Murderous Pig? Check. Melting wallpaper? Check. Margaret’s shoes placed cunningly next to his bed? Double check. Alice, you sly fox, what will you think of next?” –els

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Chip somehow remembers Studio 54, and that haircut looks strangely familiar … OMG Chip is the reincarnation of Andy Warhol!” –BigTed

“What really got me was the fact that the men just up and ran straight over the rock and fell down the other side, AND that they did it so fast that the last few men, seeing their fellow soldiers drop down the other side (but presumably not hearing them yell in horror as they fell into a pit? A ravine? That river full of alligators that the priest fell into at the end of Temple Of Doom? Who knows? I KNOW, with my new ‘Crock Alternate Endings Fan Fiction Website,’) where was I, oh yeah: seeing their fellow soldiers drop down but hearing nothing, just kept on going, to their doom.” –Briane Pagel

“I was thinking Marty was signing her dialogue for the hard of hearing — you know, since she’s speaking out loud to an empty room already.” –Kevin on Earth

“It never pays to ignore yourpublicpeter.com, a website where exhibitionists can post photos documenting their exposure.” –nescio

Mark Trail: “Those aren’t buttons on Mr. Dunlap’s shirt. That’s the access panel for his internal hardware. Mr. Dunlap is a Cybernetic Elder, or Sagebot, from the Euell Gibbons line. (There are several of these models still functioning, but it’s getting harder and harder to get parts. In fact, Mr. Logan there might actually be making a service call as the words he’s saying,’It’s my pleasure, Mr. Dunlap – it’s a story of local interest,’ sound more like some sort of machine code diagnostic routine than words that humans would say to one another.)” –Ned Ryerson

Judge Parker: “Randy Parker is Kate Jackson in Scarecrow and Mrs. King: The Next Generation.” –Master Softheart

“Shelley has decided to dedicate her award to the concept of shelter itself. Suck it, food and clothing!” –pugfuggly

“Can we just skip ahead to the part where we find out Mary’s friend has been embezzling millions from the shelter for years, please?” –tegrat

“I don’t think you could print ‘DESERTS’ in the small amount of space left on the front page. Maybe he ‘DIGS’ America. But does he Robbie –- DOES HE???” –Dennis Jimenez

“Meanwhile, the guys from the TSA and customs continue pursuing the wall crawler to find out whether he has any fruit to declare.” –aphthakid

“Is he? #slatepitch” –Frippin in the Krotz

“‘I don’t care WHAT the New York Post says about him, I don’t believe Spidey’s in league with the Sandinistas!’ NEXT: OR IS HE?” –Chyron HR

“Just a list of names to thank … starting with all the abusive parents, gang-bangers, and drug dealers, without whom there would be no troubled teens in need of a place like Promise Haven! Thank you, dregs of society, for giving me a reason to get up in the morning!” –Perky Bird

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Weapon Brown: Weapon Brown is a graphic novel in the post-apocalyptic genre, with something extra: the entire cast is drawn from the history of newspaper comics! All of your favorite funny page friends from Charlie Brown to Ziggy are featured as mutants, mercenaries, or some other variety of wasteland badass, all wrapped up in a thrilling action parody! The Kickstarter is now into its stretch goal where every pledge could be the one that doubles the size of the book to a mega-sized 400-pages!

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s mobile version or RSS feed, click here.

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Hello all! Just a brief note that if you will be in the Baltimore area in November you will have not one but two opportunities to see me do standup comedy! Here are the details (links to Facebook events, you should be able to see the info at least even if you are not a Facebook user):

• On Monday, November 4 (that’s this coming Monday!) I’ll be doing in a group show that’s part of the Charm City Fringe Fest. It’s a group of very funny Baltimore comedians organized and hosted by the great Stavros Halkias. The show is free, and is a great excuse to drink booze and eat the best pizza in Baltimore (no lie) on a Monday. Doors at 8:30, show starts around 9.
• On Saturday, November 16, I’ll be in a show organized by the great Michele Wojo at Sully’s Comedy Cellar in Parkville. There’ll be both improv and standup for your amusement! Tickets are $15 and you can reserve yours online. Show’s at 8:30. This is a clean show, so feel free to bring anyone who hates swear words. (The November 4 show will literally consist of nothing but jokes about genitalia.)

And now, your comment of the week!

“A year is about how long it will take for the Dawn-Wants-To-Express-Herself and Tommie-Tries-Not-To-Be-Boring twerking storylines to appear in Mary Worth and Apartment 3G — two years for Jack Elrod to figure out a wilderness/environmental angle on the subject — three years for the word ‘TWERK’ to inexplicably appear on someone’s t-shirt in a ’90s Archie. (Anyone who remembers the Frank McLaughlin era will recall that Gil Thorp was once nothing but twerking.)” –David Lynch’s Pompadour

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I’m sure Heathcliff used to make some kind of intuitive sense.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“My favorite aspect of this strip is the shrunken, boxy-looking extra who hobbles through the scene in the last panel in order to remind us what ‘regular people’ actually look like. ‘Don’t mind me, girlies. I’m just trying to get back to my table before my brisket gets cold. These cruises … so expensive, am I right? You go on with your little scene. Now where has Harold gone? Harold, that’s my husband, you see. He’s wandered off somewhere. HAROLD! Oh, I’m sorry, missy. I didn’t see you were on the phone there.'” –Joe Blevins

“Mark is awfully nonchalant about the fact that his little scam has misfired and resulted in the death of one of its targets. Especially since he still doesn’t know what nefarious secret they were trying to hide. Maybe Johnny and the Senator are lovers? Maybe they were working a long con, trying to actually save the wilderness by going undercover? Eh, he’s dead now, so I guess it doesn’t matter. Now how about some pancakes!? Speaking of pancakes, you should see how flat those corpses at the bottom of the mountain are!” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Hmm, one student riddled with anxiety having a nervous breakdown, another student content to have bubble gum slopping up his face. I think its time we re-examined the No Child Left Behind Act and possibly amend it to the Okay, Lets Be Realistic Act.” –Chareth Cutestory

“To be fair, illiterate pluggers are unaware that this is not actually how you read books.” –Guillaume de Machaut

“Using the flower petals for scale, I’d guess that bee is about four inches long. Sting Jeffy, mutant Terror Bee! He’s right there!” –Duke of Earl Grey

“A sign that just says ‘Halloween’ and not ‘Happy Halloween’ is probably a big seller in the Funkyverse.” –nescio

“‘How does a father tell his daughter that the man she loves is no good?’ ‘Oh, Dad, all I have to do is look at your voting record … oh, did you mean Johnny?'” –Christopher

“This must be set before Martha Stewart got all crafty, or else once she got out of stir. Albert Brooks is really in for it this time.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“I do believe ‘Oh, Great!’ is the accepted universal response to hearing that Rex Morgan and his wife are coming to dinner.” –Digger

“No-one realizes that Apple Mary is still running the streets (how else does she afford Charterstone and all her victory tours?) Now, she’s known as ‘the Artful Codger.'” –Maltmasher

“The Adventures of Inkwell Trying To Figure Out If Toni’s Brother is Supposed To Be Unsympathetic Or Not continue! They’ve been dull.” –Inkwell

“Meanwhile, back in Riverdale, for the crime of proclaiming himself #1 and placing himself over our Dear Leader, Moose is led away by the secret police.” –Voshkod

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertiser, who has sponsored the mobile version of the site this week:

• Help teens with depression: Think it’s right for teenagers to feel like the Lockhorns every day? This is a reality. Help end it by supporting A Bold Choice Theatre Company’s IndieGoGo fundraiser! Let’s get teenagers with depression the help they need!

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s mobile version or RSS feed, click here.

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Guyyyys, let’s get all commenty of the weeky in here, shall we?

“I can only hope — to stop one of you! Oh, if only I had four arms with which to hold two guns! [looks down] Well, will you look at that. Looks like I have multiple appendages, just like a spi… No, a taran… Wait, a CONDOR! Yes!” –BrutusJ

And the very hilarious runners up!

“Why, in the post-apocalyptic animal world, are aerosol paints rarely sold? Is it an opposable-thumb/dexterity thing? Is that Count Weirdly’s reserve stock on the shelf? Or are they exclusively for spiders? Please kill me now.” –Dood

“I’m imagining a post-veep sitcom for Biden. In every episode he gets himself gradually deeper and deeper into some absurd predicament. At the end of the show, when the climax of craziness has been reached, all the other characters gather around him and yell, ‘Joe Biden, you dope!’ He grins and shakes his head in consternation. Roll credits.” –Peanut Gallery

“June is smiling because that thing on the end of her fork appears to be a peyote button.” –AhClem

“Speaking as someone who doesn’t get turned on by boobs, I have to say Judge Parker’s descent into revenge-fueled madness is the best thing to ever happen in this strip.” –Esther Blodgett

“I think when Bob Hope or Lou Costello leaks water after being shot, it’s funny because we appreciate the hydraulics the special effects people rigged up under their shirts. Drawing the same ‘effect’ into a cartoon is just plain … say, wasn’t this strip supposed to be retired already? [Note: this is the proper way to finish any discussion about Crock.]” –Dr. Mabuse

“I was a clever and evasive devil. Or, at least, I made a Faustian bargain with one! Now I shall be immortal, an unstoppable zombie which keeps on walking and speaking, even as I have become so filled with holes that I cannot possibly hold any water. Oh, wait, no, I’m just a Crock character — we’re all like this.” –The Ben

“The look on Loretta’s face indicates that she knows that this means Leroy didn’t flush.” –nescio

“Reminiscent of the filming of Citizen Kane, the artist had to jackhammer a hole in the floor to get this angle. Nice try, artist, but you’re not getting out of the strip that way.” –Kristian

“You think you have proven the existence of your God with your banana? FOOLS I HAVE PROVEN THE TRUE NATURE OF THE ALMIGHTY WITH THIS DELICIOUS FLESH!” –QuentonKaramazov

“I think Jeffy’s shirt is more of a Hester Prynne situation. It’s not that he’ll forget who he is … it’s that we can’t allow ourselves to forget; we can’t let him to walk among decent people without a mark of shame that brands him for what he is. And much like Hester Prynne, we refuse to acknowledge that we all bear the Sin of Jeffy; we all share the blame for his existence.” –Dan

“It’s handy that Tori carries around a pack of cigarettes at all times so that we don’t have to try to recall who she is or what her character is about. (She’s a bad girl!) I think they should try applying this to the major characters as well. Lu Ann could carry around a bag of hammers, Tommie could carry around a box of saltine crackers, and Margo a speargun.” –pugfuggly

“For erections lasting more than four hours please consult a veterinarian.” –Mr. Yezpitelok

“‘Pizza Night’ is actually the closest the human tongue can come to pronouncing the name of the eldritch horror whose jaundiced yellow eye stares down from its black cloud of nothing on its earthly spawn, Heathcliff.” –David

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.