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Your comment of the week in a moment, but first — I must tell you (actually, I should have told you earlier) that I will be doing standup comedy in Baltimore, tonight! Gratuitous picture of me with a microphone:

I’ll be at the Yellow Sign theater (right across the street from the Charles in Station North), and am on a bill with a lot of other very funny local comics. Doors at 8, show at 8:30, tickets are $5, show should be done by 10, you should come if you’re in the area! Here are the details, and here is the Facebook event, if you like those. The venue is literally half a block from Penn Station, if you’re in the DC area but don’t feel like driving — but if you can’t be bothered, I’ll also be doing a show in Arlington on July 16. Details on that are also here, so mark your calendars today.

With that shameless self-promotion out of the way, here … is your comment of the week:

“People have said, ‘Sir!! That’s not the lavatory!!’ to Crankshaft so many times at this point that the words have lost all meaning.” –Doctor Handsome

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Look at the cracked plaster in Spidey’s hotel room. Business can’t be very good, possibly because guests keep toppling out of shin-high adult-male-sized open windows before paying their bills.” –Daniel

“I would think in a publisher’s trade journal they would be more interested in sales and marketing than whether the content is any good. Same as in a food industry journal they would tell you how revenue at Golden Corral is up 3% in Pluggerville since they started the Do You Know This Chicken? promotion.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I had really just assumed that Heathcliff had gathered up all the ham in the butcher shop and somehow shaped it into a weirdly-shaped hat with his cat paws. I mean, it’s not really a ‘joke’ so much as some very practical advice the butcher’s doling out here: ‘No seriously, all the ham is full of cat hair now. I don’t recommend it.'” –Revenge of Chesnut

“If only Peter knew someone whose job is to fight crime. Oh well, this brick isn’t gonna hit itself in the back of his head.” –Dan

“Why is it so hard for people to grasp: I read it because I hate it. It’s not like I don’t care about it or something. I’ve got Dilbert for that.” –Uncle Lumpy

“While Beth is worshipping at the shrine of the One and Holy Mary, the jerk-off gesture she’s doing speaks to a certain lack of sincerity.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Personally, I tend to think that knowing that the chickens they’ve killed and eaten are more ensouled than they are will amuse and empower the Hootin’ Holler folk more than anything else. ‘Ha!’ Weezy says. ‘I am the Fate who cuts short the thread of these chickens’ lives with my dull, dull blade!’ (Or that’s approximately what she’s thinking; what she actually says out loud is something like ‘Don’t that beat all.’)” –Lily Sincere

“SPAKE HIZZONER: HERSHEY’S A GONER” –Walker of Dog

“I want to pick up a copy of that Book Day to read more about what I hope is Poppin’ Fresh’s autobiography.” –sporknpork

“By cracky, it’s codgerin’ time!” –Dood

“This bad review could cost me upwards of $26 in royalties! Do you know how much that adds up to compounded annually over the life of an amortized investment? I do, because I’m rich!” –Esther Blodgett

“WUD should be WWUD, the acronym for What Would U Do? Apparently this guy’s answer is ‘instantly resort to extreme violence.'” –hogenmogen

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Are you emotionally prepared for your comment of the week?

“I see Quill and Luann as the Romeo and Juliet for the 2010s, in that I hope they’re each dead by their own hand through a pointless series of miscues abetted by the adults they trusted most.” –Ed Dravecky

And for your hilarious runners up>

“Daredevil lives a great bachelor life here in San Fran. But I’ve got MJ waiting for meat home — the house made out of premium cuts of beef I promised her! I’d better start building it before the meats spoil.” –CleverNameIsaac

JP: “I can’t wait for the inevitable cruise ship mechanical failure. Wait until Judge Pissyface has to poop in a bag!” — Ned Ryerson

“No half hearted pun. No tired half-smirk. Pam is just powering through this interaction, dead eyes focused on the middle distance. Best Crankshaft ever!” –Bunivasal

“We warned you. We warned you that if you let women into the military, the male soldiers would start dating combat drones. It’s your own damn fault.” –Voshkod

“The creepiest thing about Spider-Man today is that his mask is staring at his ass in panel two. His sweet, sweet spider-ass.” –Pozzo

“‘Wifely prayers.’ Or as some people refer to them, divorce papers.” –WeatherServo9

“Throws it away, or delivers a crushing KNEE to the FACE of the opposing team?! Happy Hunger Games, Milford.” –Science Giant

“The first rule of the Shoe universe is that no one must ever acknowledge that everyone is a bird. Frito has spoken the Terrible Truth! Heretic! Heretic! As a journalist, Shoe knows all too well the grisly fate that the Thought Police shall inflict upon poor Frito.” –Guts Dozier

“‘Jose! How goes the revolution?’ ‘Oh, it’s going great. The streets of the capital are running red with the blood of the oppressors. I think we’ll be in power by late July, August, somewhere in there.'” –Dono

“Sarah is just mesmerized by Business McBusinessman’s combover. Children should not be exposed to such things.” –Lawyerbob

“I guarantee you this is by a wide margin the most emotional anyone has ever gotten about Book Day.” –Doctor Handsome

“I suppose you would like to get paid for your book? Well, sorry, we don’t do that. But our publishing your book will help you build your brand! Are you active on social media?” –cheech wizard

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Your comment of the week is hopefully all you’d hoped and dreamed:

“I always assumed that ‘How are the otters today’ was one of those greetings men make to one another when women are not present.” –Lumaca Morente

Your runners up are also very hilarious:

“WHAT is going on with Lu Ann’s hair in panel 2? It looks like her wig is wearing a wig.” –Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny

“Notice the little twirl the ice-cream-truck guy gave that fudgcicle. I think this is less a knighting and more some sort of bizarre induction ritual into the International Fraternal Order of Faceless Monstrosities.” –Drewbear

“Charlemagne’s decision to have the Pope coronate him established the Vatican as a major political player for the next 700 years. Today’s Heathcliff is far more disturbing.” –Nekrotzar

“…I found where they printed his expiration date. I also found his bar code. They’re pricing him at $2.99 a pound! The Earth is just a farm, and we’re just livestock! So, anyway, I’m fattening him up for the kill. Maybe I can make a little money off this, ya’know?” –Voshkod

“The otters are doing fine. More than fine. As you’ll see, they are now each four feet tall and gazing around with their new, horrible skull faces at the corrupt world that once dared to hurt them. Someday they will descend on society, leaving bloody destruction in their wake, disemboweling anyone who has the gall to invite someone on a fishing trip knowing full well they are going to back out of it like a flaky, emotionally distant son of a … I’m sorry, what was the question again? Right. Otters. Doing great.” –Tophat

“Hello, Mr. McKay, thank you for coming to court today. Quick question though, is your suit actually a cylindrical robot torso painted to look like a suit? Its just always good to know if we’re dealing with a robo-lawyer in the courtroom.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Is ‘Professor Herb’ a recurring character in Gasoline Alley, or did he and his botany lab magically appear in answer to Slim’s parsley crisis? Maybe this is all a dream Slim is having, where all his neighbors are unsettlingly evocative of food items, and then Slim eats them.” –damanoid

“Sadly, grandpa plugger has to get his weathergirl jollies from his old 19-inch TV, which, ironically, is balanced on top of the high-def big screen in a magnificent wooden cabinet that his adult children bought him, but that he’s too proud to admit he can’t figure out how to turn on.” –BigTed

Funky Winkerbean: “He was going to take us all on; me, a nerd with sideburns, my lame-ass wife, and his pregnant-looking, afro-having girlfriend. I have no proof of this, plus I’m a million years old and Frank will undoubtedly deny the whole thing and still go on with that horrible reality show that no network will ever buy, anyway. Welp. Can I have those graham crackers you promised me, please?” –notmydesk

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.