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GUYS YOU GUYS I THINK SPRING IS FINALLY HERE MAYBE? And so let’s enjoy this springy comment of the week!

“Bluegill’s UPS uniform symbolically launches itself from his body as he ascends to become part of the rich elite.” –revenge4Aldo

And the runners up — very funny!

“I feel a bit sorry for Billy, carefully arranging his equipment around him, the ball at his feet, and only then glancing out the window directly ahead to check the weather. ‘No time to raise my head slightly! I gotta hang that glove on the end of my bat just so!'” –Adam

“Sounds like Billy has finally realized how cruelly misshapen his cranium is.” –Doctor Handsome

“These aren’t our jumbles! Because the jumbles aren’t made here at the paper, but somewhere else and sent here by a syndicate! We just pretend to make them because it makes us feel big!” –Horace Boom

“The one way this wouldn’t be a completely silly and time-wasting would be if these two actually worked for the Kingpin and the milk contained some kind of liquid form of the mind-control gas. Of course, Spidey wouldn’t actually drink it then because his spider sense would HAHAHAHA, no. I swear to you that I literally could not keep even a straight face in real life as I typed that.” –Ratiocinator

“‘So, you want me to drink this day-old rancid milk in order to provide the parenting skills you so desperately lack?’ [pause] ‘Why not?'” –Little Guy

“While Spider-Man promotes healthy drinks like milk and Apartment 3-G reinforces the importance of having a good lunch, Dick Tracy shows us how uncool cigarettes are. See kids? Start smoking and soon you’ll find yourself in a bowler cap and a ridiculous green suit solving newspaper riddles for a living.” –pugfuggly

“Dennis is simply getting ready for his role in the new world economy — collecting junk and dismantling it for the small amounts of valuable scrap metals to be harvested. It’s an excellent career path, with early retirement available through the disabling and/or fatal heavy-metal poisoning generally contracted by the age of 26.” –Derelict

“Whose … whose hand is that, Rusty?’ ‘It was yours, Bluegill. I’ve claimed it. Now it’s mine.’ Slowly Bluegill looked down at his left arm. Nothing protruded from his sleeve. His screams echoed across the lake as Mark and Rusty drove off into the deepening night.” –Voshkod

“That’s not a laptop. Marty Moon has taped a mirror in the lid of a Whitman’s Sampler so he can shame himself as he binges on nougat and cremes between innings.” –Ed Dravecky

“I don’t think there’s a joke in Heathcliff at all. I think it has just embraced out-and-out insanity, and future installments will feature nothing but illustrations of bizarre, nonsensical scenes (Heathcliff drives a motorcycle inside an office building, Grandpa builds a model of the Grand Canyon out of discarded tires) with absolutely no explanation given, and the caption will be the punchline from some unrelated joke that was never set up. I for one welcome this change.” –Mikey

“I’m vaguely disgusted by the fact that Marvin tucks his shirts into his diapers.” –DrGnu

“I’ve got Spider-Man’s straw, Kingpin! I’m also handling it with my bare hands and holding it right in front of my mouth while I speak to you! It’s gonna be the most perfect, untainted DNA sample you’ve ever seen, boss!” –Chareth Cutestory

“A corduroy couch topped with a pillow darker than the blackest night, purple cameo curtains and a small picture frame containing a stock image of a panda? Looks like Marvin’s parents subscribe to the ever popular ‘who fucking cares’ philosophy when it comes to life.” –Tophat

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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Your final reminder that if you’re in or near Baltimore you can see me reading from my novel-in-progress, tonight! I was doing a few tweaks to the chapter I’m reading and added a judicious swear word or two. If that won’t woo you, what will?

Anyway, no matter where you are, you can enjoy this week’s top comment:

“While tied up in the van all Rusty can think is that this is the best fishing trip he’s ever been on with Mark.” –Liam

And the runners up! Very funny!

“By the way, Spidey, seems like your webbing is getting kind of tangled there. Of course, I don’t need webbing to fly between buildings. Nope, just me and my senses. Did I mention that I don’t need vision, either? Oh, you knew that. Well, let’s just switch over to our civilian lives and see who’s better at catching crooks. Oh, right, still me.” –BigTed

“‘Matt Murdock? BUT THAT’S YOUR CIVILIAN ID!’ bellows the Amazing Spider-man, apparently deciding that the only way he’s going to be allowed to go back to watching tv on the couch and failing to catch super villains is if he gets the actually competent superhero murdered.” –bunivasal

“Q: Why did Vincent Van Gogh choose to become a painter? A: TO GET LAID” –Chyron HR

“So, you guys got into your super hero costumes and went jumping around the city, just so you could determine that no superheros were needed, only lawyers? Couldn’t you have just talked about this in a cafe or something? No really I’m serious, Spiderman hasn’t eaten anything in days and I am really worried about him.” –Holly Folly

Judge Parker: “Yeah, we know, ‘Blah, blah, blah, I’m rich, blah, blah.’ When does the train return to Hooterville?” –Erich Clapton

“The spelling ‘skool’ common among ‘free schooling’ and ‘unschooling’ proponents seeking to quickly signal their outsider brand of no-teachers, no-classes, no-homework education (which makes sense when you recall that this particular ant is the only child of a monogamous pair of adult ants who apparently rejected the hive-mind, and not one of thousands of drones born of a single queen and put to work right away). That this particular ‘skool’ in question utilizes retro-desks and pop quizzes means that ironic appreciation is one of the skool’s areas of focus.” –Herr Kommissar Denny

“Rudy the waiter has the sort of creepy facial expression which gives you the sense that it never changes, whether he’s delivering a caesar salad to your table or swinging an axe at your skull.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Woah, Alan! Last of the big spenders! I’ll tell ya what, folks, there’s nothing more exciting than watching two rich guys order lunch.” –Here Comes the Judge

“I love the nonchalance with which Archie approaches the whole science project concept. ‘I performed a study on the mass of the Higgs boson. What did you do?’ ‘Oh, I brought a couple of hamsters. I found them out by the dumpster. Or maybe they are rats. Whatever. I’m going to spend my life working at a gas station anyway.'” –Nekrotzar

“Oops, that’s the Judge in panel three, isn’t it? This may sound racist, but if I can’t see the Reed Richards hair, I can’t really tell smug white dickheads apart.” –Doctor Handsome

“There is no way that commenting on June’s waffle-filled thought balloon will ever get repetitive, not if it keeps being talked about until the heat death of the universe.” –Ratiocinator

“I would like anyone who has ever tried running and/or jumping over a fallen tree while wearing a pair of flippers on their feet to share their story of that experience with us.” –Illustrator Steve

“Hey, remember that scene at the end of E.T. where the alien is sick, and his skin turns that dusty white and his eyes bug out? Just thought I’d bring that up for no reason at all.” –pugfuggly

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Try Audible with a free audiobook: Choose from 100,000+ audiobook titles!

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Oh, look, if it’s that banner image, then yes, I’m plugging the opportunity to see me live and in person!

• I’ll be reading from my novel-in-progress at Shattered Wig Night, this Friday, March 29! I’m opening for Michael Kimball reading from his postcard life stories project, and there will also be music! At the legendary 14 Karat Cabaret at 218 W. Saratoga St. in downtown Baltimore. Cover is $5 (cash only please); doors open at 9 p.m. (Here’s more about the novel, which I Kickstarted into embryonic existence last summer, if this is the first you’re hearing about it.)
• You perhaps remember my earlier threat to appear as a monologist for an improv performance? Well, that got cancelled because of a snowstorm (a snowstorm that ended up not happening, don’t even get me STARTED), and now it’s been rescheduled. I’ll be appearing at Magoobys with the Baltimore Improv Group, along with a group from Pennsylvania called the Oxymorons. Magooby’s is at 9603 Deereco Rd. in Timonium. Cover is $5 and there is a two-item minimum (“item” here meaning food, drinks, etc.); doors open at 7 p.m. and the show starts at 8 p.m.

It always warms my heart when Comics Curmudgeon readers come talk to me at live events. I’d love to see you there!