“‘Seriously, brat is an obscenity, right? Like it’s really really dirty?’ wonders Marty Moon, the man who never got an A on his vocabulary quizzes. ‘I think it’s short for bratgina.’” –made of wince

“I hope someone’s phone is recording the vegetation behind the fence, which is moving upward at an alarming rate.” –Lee Sherman

“In Hootin’ Hollar, the big box store is actually a big cardboard packing crate that fell out of a pickup truck when it hit a pothole.” –Dennis Jimenez

“Since the sun is clearly flattening and about to go supernova outside the barracks window, today’s Beetle Bailey is surprisingly philosophical. Sarge is clearly of the mind that everybody should hurry up and get done whatever they need to in order to prepare for meeting their maker. Get going, for as Paul of Tarsus says, the time is short! On the other hand, Beetle takes the hedonistic view. It’s the last day on earth, just do what you want! Lounge about in bed all day masturbating, who cares? Too bad for Beetle that the end of the world isn’t happening on Miss Buxley Wednesday when he might have had a shot at losing his virginity, but eh, it’s too late to worry about that now.” –Thelonious_Nick

“Meanwhile, Marvin’s mother silently bemoans that she wasn’t facing an egg shortage somewhere between the last two and five years.” –Voshkod

“Enduring focus on cost controls and ability to adapt to inflationary market pressures be damned, Marvin remembers the record corporate profits for America’s egg wholesalers, and he’s warning everyone who reads the daily comics. The grandmothers will never forget, do you hear me? Never!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Beetle picking a bed that faces west so he won’t be woken by the rising sun rings true.” –nescio

“In panel three, Miz Prunelly is attempting to subtly reach the pencil in her hair, the better to stab Jughaid and then, possibly, herself.” –Pozzo

“Given the vast number of chicken-borne parasites that are certainly circulating through the population of Hootin’ Holler, what Jughaid is really discovering is more than love of germs. It’s biological symbiosis.” –Vice President John Adams

“Today’s Phantom made me think of a question I didn’t know I had until now: Why is the pelvic area of a superhero’s costume so often a different color than the rest of it? Either it’s sewn that way or it’s a separate piece of Spandex, and either way, I’m unsure as to its utility. Is it steel-reinforced, to provide some manner of protection? Is it to draw the eye right to the crotch, so as to give Our Hero the advantage in making the first move? ‘Behold and tremble at the sight of my area, villains! Prepare to be thwarted by he of the purple bod and stripèd rod!’” –els

“That’s not what organic means, but coincidentally, yes, it is made of hearts, livers and lungs. It’s a great big bowl of haggis. They don’t make a big deal of it, but Hi and Lois is actually set in Scotland. You can tell because their neighbour has the extremely Scottish name ‘Thurston’, and also because he’s a drunk.” –Schroduck

“The humans all scream ‘MAXIMUM EFFORT‘ as Max leads them onto the Interstate.” –UncleJeff

“I like the way Dennis is holding his hands. He’s thinking that if he had a large rock in each hand, he could finally hit TWO kids in the face at once. ‘No, no, the rocks are even bigger than that. Yeah, bigger.’” –BeckoningChasm

“Alice looks sad, as she didn’t even get to host this woman for afternoon tea before Dennis tanked yet another desperate attempt to have adult friends.” –Philip

“Dennis appears to be contemplating the possibility of dumping Joey and getting two matching henchmen in his place.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I guess people sigh a lot! I tried to force a laugh at this cartoon, but all that came out was dust.” –Amelie Wikström

“Um … but these angels already have hair in those places! Why not just admit that they created the physical template for humankind by lying down on a Xerox machine?” –BigTed

“Look at that warm, motherly smile on Thel’s face as she imagines her idiot child attempting to fit two AAAs into a perished insect. Kids do the cutest desecrations of the dead.” –jroggs

“From inside the burlap sack, Jones listened carefully. It had taken a year of fasting and surgical alterations that his doctor called ‘highly unusual and disturbing’ for Jones to fit into the chicken costume, but the time was finally here. He’d show Smith a thing or two about chickens, he thought, caressing the sawed-off shotgun cunningly built into his beak. The costume’s beak. They were the same now. The man, the chicken, the gun, they sweated in the sack, waiting to hatch. Waiting to count.” –Voshkod

“As a criminal, isn’t claiming to own a time machine just begging the cops to pin every single crime they can think of on you? Weirdly now has no alibi for anything — not JFK, not the black plague, not the assassination of Julius Caesar. He is going DOWN.” –jerp+jump

“‘What’s got you smiling, Biz?’ ‘I’m extremely high on varnish fumes!’” –Lorelei

“You might think, ‘doesn’t the Catholic Church forbid divorce?’ However, Hagar takes place in the early Middle Ages, while marriage as a sacrament, like many other Christian dogmas that seem original, became part of Canon Law only in the late Middle Ages. For this feudal lord, divorce is just a regular part of life. Unfortunately, dying by an heathen’s axe to the head is also another regular part of life.” –Ettorre

“It’s nice to see some consequences for Slylock’s nonsense. He’s had so many cases thrown out allowing repeat offenders to commit so many minor crimes that he’s been bumped down to investigating mean e-mails, and even that’s not going to go well when word gets back to the captain. ‘He WHAT??! Printed them out and used a magnifying glass? FOX! My office, NOW!’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“LEVEL 5 CATEGORY OMEGA WARNING: FAMILY CIRCUS SUCCESSFULLY PULLED OFF POST-MODERN META-HUMOR. I REPEAT, FAMILY CIRCUS SUCCESSFULLY PULLED OFF POST-MODERN META-HUMOR. GO HOME, HUG YOUR FAMILIES FOR THE LAST TIME, AND PREPARE FOR THE END” –Schroduck

“The other really sad thing about Hi and Lois is that Chip is a teenager but he only comes up to his parents’ shoulders. I don’t care if he’s holding a sandwich with a bite out of it (like a saint holding the instrument of her martyrdom), feed that boy!” –matt w

“So wait, is Milford ‘juvie’ just a division of the high school athletics department? How many other municipal services do they run? It’s no wonder this town is obsessed with their high school sports: if they make it to regionals the town might be without police or firefighters for a week.” –pugfuggly

“Woah, Lois really wasn’t expecting her family to actually care about this information. Look, they’re smiling. They’re expressing interest! It’s blown her mind. She needs to put more sedatives in their food before things get nuts.” –made of wince

“If you’re going to tell a poo-related joke, maybe don’t give us a glimpse of the character’s rear at the same time? Especially when they have … tailfeathers? Honestly, I don’t know what the heck is going on back there, and I don’t want to.” –BigTed

“‘I didn’t see it, but I sensed it went vaguely that direction!’ ‘Good enough! We’ll just amble in that direction! We’re bound to run into the perp!’” –Buck Ripsnort

“I’m not worried. When they see Greta’s bow tie, the fighting dogs will assume she’s a referee, and follow her commands.” –Chazhouston

“How many food trucks will they have been lead to and ordered from before they realize Max cannot track Greta?” –Kevin On Earth

“You’re going to take well-paying work? When you could be getting the high quality education available at a college that’s so desperate that it accepts people who apply at the end of June?” –Rube

“We are supposed to believe that Dennis was such a hellion that he drove her to tears. However that’s not how these things work. What really happened is that her boyfriend broke up with her by text, and she cried herself to sleep. He is now reviewing the thread on her phone for tips and techniques for when he, inevitably, has to do the same with Margaret.” –richardf8

“We can take some comfort knowing Snuffy uses French about as incorrectly as anyone could ever use French. What are we thinking, folks? ‘Ow contryary?’ “Oh contreeree?’
‘Eau d’country?’ Either way he just lifted Uriah’s wallet.” –Blackdrazon

“Hey Slylock: did you know that reptiles also don’t sweat? Or have opposable thumbs? Or attend jewelry trade shows at hotels, generally? So maybe take it easy on the zoology-based evidence.” –pugfuggly

“Picturing an arc of electricity instantly killing the kids right where they stand as Billy slices through a buried utility cable.” –Godless Communist Orc, on Twitter

“We live in a nation divided on the controversial subject of whether or not oculosexual couples should be allowed to marry, but it’s important to remember they suffer from the same major problem in bed as facinormative couples: premature ejaculation.” –jroggs

“The Keene kids obviously believe that dinosaurs bones and Egyptian sarcophagi would be found together in American soil because they’ve been taught they existed in the same time frame.” –But What Do I Know?

“Let me break it to you gently, Saul. You see this dog food dish labeled ‘Greta’? Well, that’s ironic, because…” –seismic-2

“Oh no, Gil wants us to go phone shopping with him. He says he hasn’t seen a rotary landline in 30 years and needs our help.” –Colonial

“Listen, I’m not here to judge. If that croc wants to look beautiful for just a few minutes, far from the prying eyes of their typical basking site, well, it’s internalized mammalist body standards, but what is that to you and me?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Hello? Front desk? A crocodile is about to leave with no pants on. He’s a reptile pervert! Intercept him before he gets to the lobby! Also, he’s a jewelry thief, I guess.” –Chance

“If I had to guess which comic strip character would be signing up for EST in order to transform their ability to experience living so that the situations they had been trying to change or had been putting up with clear up just in the process of life itself, Mr. Wilson would be far down on my list.” –Weaselboy

“I’m getting a real Game of Thrones vibe from this situation. It’s what happens when you see a character being menaced by violence, but you realize the greater danger is from the gross diseases that occur when someone doesn’t change their clothes or bathe for eight months at a time.” –BigTed

“I don’t think a city in southern California is an unlikely place for evil to infiltrate at all, actually. Really, it’d be stranger if it didn’t.” –Noel

“‘A little juvie never killed anyone’ — meanwhile, in the next panel, the other player appears to have gotten a tear drop tattoo from her time in the slammer.” –Philip

“One proscribed form of heresy was to depict Noah’s Ark as smaller than that its biblical proportions — the idea being that a small ark leads to a lot of ‘How did all the animals fit?’ scepticism. Given that this ark is so small that the camel has apparently died of overcrowding, I imagine the Hagar team will be getting their excommunication letters from the Vatican any day now.” –Schroduck

“The theological implications that Noah was just some doorknob who put animals on a boat while everyone else got about their lives after maybe their basements flooded after a particularly heavy rain are pretty heavy for a joke-a-day comic strip.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Finally some good news about pluggers: ‘If it bleeds, we can kill it!’” –Ettorre

“Pluggers worry when they nick themselves shaving because any open wound might mean wearing a neck cone for two weeks.”–nescio