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Oh, snap, I’ve got your COTW ready ALREADY!

“Obviously, this is just an excuse to draw Lu Ann into the tawdry world of indie rock, where men have beards and women have bangs, since the only thing to do in Hoboken is visit Yo La Tengo. At least her wardrobe will be hip, ironically.” –js

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Does today’s Gil Thorp seem like the setup to a horror movie to anyone else? Like, Jamaar will die and then come back on prom night covered in tape?” –SamECircle

“‘It’s 52-19, in favor of the Skyhawks, as the Mudlarks continue to struggle with the loss of their star player. Jamaar, what do you think about this development?’ ‘Mr. Moon, if I answer your questions, will you let me down?’ ‘No way, kid, you’re my -hic- best interview in years! Now what do you think about your shots in the playdowns?'” –Black Drazon

“‘I’m more concerned about our guests,’ Adrian says, looking at two people who very clearly have no idea who she is, and wishes she’d stop staring at them.” –Patrick

“In nursing homes around America, today’s Spider-Man was pronounced the pinnacle of comic strip entertainment for the elderly. It will be tough for future competitors in the newspaper comic market to match the sheer joy contained in a strip that contained both a young man being thrashed by a cane and a matron whose relatives actually listen to her.” –NoahSnark

“I like how Dr. Jeff is all, ‘Fuck alcoholics! They have no place at weddings! Seriously, fuck you if you can’t hold your liquor.'” –Gold-Digging Nanny

“Phantom: ‘For those of you who came in late, the Phantom is still gay gay gay!'” –Jack Parsons

“Hi, Les. It’s me, Lisa, calling from beyond the grave to tell you to break down and get a cell phone already.” –Garnet

“I think it’s Lisa Loeb. She wants her glasses back.” –Mr. Goboto

“What’s with those action lines? Did they kiss or just suddenly smack their heads together violently like two dueling giraffes?” –Caroline

“It goes without saying that Mary’s cheerleading is far more annoying than Jill’s ranting. Jill at least has discernible motives — she could be still very bitter from a hard breakup or (more likely in real life but not in this strip) inexplicably in love with Adrian. But Mary just cheerleads insanely at any aspect of heteronormativity, yet won’t marry her own boyfriend or put out and likes to have attractive young female friends … hmm … well, perhaps her motivations are also apparent. I can’t wait until the end of this story arc when everybody in the closet comes out of it. That’s going to happen, right?” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“It was only a matter of time before Mary made the jump from annoying meddler to outright puppet master. In panel 1, you can see her throwing her voice to Scott from around the corner. In panel 2, she has her hand up Scott’s back controlling his every move. Next week she’ll make Scott recite his wedding vows while she drinks a glass of water.” –Thomas B.

“Maybe she’s just ecstatic to be going anywhere that’s across a river from Margo. Can Margo cross rivers? I’m not up on exactly what kind of evil spirit she is.” –commodorejohn

“People, relax. Mary is just practicing, as she’ll be popping out of a giant salmon square later tonight at Scott’s bachelor party.” –Mikey

“Mark used three contractions in the space of three panels! Can sex with Ben Smith be more than moments away?” –Mardou Fox

“How is telling someone they’re ‘good’, perhaps the most vague adjective ever uttered, at fishing exaggerating? Now, if Ben had said ‘Cherry tells me you have mastered even the most basic social skills’, Mark would have good reason to screw up his face, knock his bowl of soup off the table, and make odd mewling cries in the corner.” –Zork The Mighty

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Your comment of the week in a moment but first, a quick link to me by many reader! Do you enjoy the cheery innocence of Archie but think to yourself, “This would be so much better if it were soul-blightingly depressing?” Well, your dreams are about to come true my friend.

And now! Your week’s top comment!

“Be careful Mr. Brooks — I mean Trey. You don’t want to know where that finger has been. Here’s a hint: Mrs. Bloom’s cat’s anus, piano shopping, Margo. Enjoy your plant!” –Mikey

And your runners up! Very funny!

“If Doc is a vet, shouldn’t he have put Rusty down by now?” –littlestevie

“Jill was wise to turn down Mary’s appetizer-size salmon rounds. When they’re combined with mass quantities of alcohol, projectile vomiting is inevitable.” –Alfred E. Neuman

“Lois does not do a single thing in today’s strip that is inconsistent with initiating a ritualistic mass suicide. My only doubt is whether this is economic collapse suicide or doomsday cult suicide. On the one hand, she is a real estate agent; on the other hand, she’s wearing creepy white vestments and an eerie sense of beatitude.” –Lorne

“Barbecue or thinly veiled attempt to thin the brood through pneumonia? That’s for a judge to decide.” –NoahSnark

“For people whose favorite restaurant is the Bum Boat, having a butler at your rehearsal dinner seems like overkill.” –Patrick

“In G.I. Joe, knowing is half the battle. In Crankshaft, it’s just being annoyed with the ‘joke’ in a different way.” –TheDiva

“Is Cherry actually thinking that Mark is off having a romantic rendezvous with a woman? It’s sad that after all these years she still doesn’t know Mark at all.” –Digger

“The only constant in the Gil Thorp universe is Gil’s sullen refusal to give Marty anything remotely interesting for his interviews. But Marty will laugh last, with ‘DRUNK ANNOUNCER MURDERS COACH.'” –Uncle Lumpy

“I think I know why Cherry’s so pissed: No one in the strip ever told her other tops besides button-down shirts actually existed, as she apparently just found out.” –Jason1981

“Dr. Jeff just keeps yakking through the social unpleasantness. Likely a defensive mechanism. His remaining patients probably can’t tell him about their pain and suffering as he talks over them about the curative powers of vitamin D and dips in the condo pool.” –Johnny Knuckles

“‘What makes you think Theresa Delgado was in love with me?’ Well, shit, man, just look at how suavely you toy with your Ovaltine. What woman could resist that?” –Chyron HR

“Why, there’s nothing boring about designing buildings! Perhaps one day you can design a building for me, with elevators that have extra-large buttons that I can actually press with my ginormous hand!” –Trilobite

“I’m in love! Jill is the perfect woman for me: drunk with very low expectations from men. Don’t you dare try to change her, Mary Worth!” –Dan

“When I first saw an attractive redhead sitting next to a lazy, smug brunette jackass, I thought I was reading Spider-Man. I’m not kidding.” –Zork the Mightly

“Why is Les attempting to give some sort of PowerPoint presentation? It’s a friggin’ book tour! You usually read a part of your book, chat with the audience, sign copies … just like he’s been doing up to this point. What the hell does he need visual aids for? ‘And this is my wife Lisa … before she was STRUCK BY CANCER.’ ‘Here she is, WITH CANCER.’ ‘This is a picture of her grave …’ ‘This is a picture of me dancing on it while caressing all the money I’m getting from suckers like you …’ ‘Here she is as a ghost overseeing my sex life …'” –Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket

“That bookcase is indeed clearly resting on the step-stool, which means this is probably yet another unbelievably stupid ‘plan’ that someone thought was a better idea than trying to use their words. Granted, I have no idea what the intended outcome is, but that’s never stopped these people before.” –This Guy

“Mark Trail does ‘sexy’ like a four-year-old girl holding a tea party does ‘sophisticated.'” –commodorejohn

“I like the way Scott’s facial expression softens considerably in panel two, like he’s thinking ‘Well, she’s right about lies. Maybe we should let her stay.'” –Jaliben

“This would be the best Mary Worth plot ever if they hauled Jill out of the rehearsal dinner, still shouting insanity and bludgeoning people with her ketchup bottle, and then we never hear from her again. From now on when someone mentions Adrian’s wedding in the comic, there needs to be two panels of awkward silence where none of the characters make eye contact with each other, and then they messily change the subject. ‘…SO, you know who else is still crazy? That creepy shop-a-holic hoarder lady. I mean yikes.'” –Tophat

“You’re a Plugger if somebody suggests bowling as a metaphor for sex and you don’t know what a metaphor is.” –Ed Dravecky

“I feel kinda sorry for Jill. Actually I feel sorrier for Adrian; Mary Worth is touching her.” –Sarah

“JILL SMASH PUNY SOCIAL MORES!” –Mr. Goboto

“I like to think that the bouncers were lazy, and just put her right outside. Now, she is just sort of looking in and cursing, and has been for the last 45 minutes.” –lord-z

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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It’s time once again for your Friday comment of the week! I did eventually tackle Luann this week, but Maggie’s comment pretty much describes why it took me so long.

“I can’t believe you’re calling out hot sexy comic strip action without mentioning this week’s Luann! Is it because you eyes burn with shame and confusion each day this queasiness progresses? Because … because I get that. When I saw Toni Daytona charlie horse humping Brad today, I called in sick and went back to bed.” –Maggie

And your runners up! Very funny!

“The dissonance between Adrian’s desperate eyes in the first panel and her claim to be ‘calm and happy’ is something out of a POW video. If this were a live video, her eyes would be blinking the horrific truth in Morse code.” –Johnny Knuckles

“Wait, is Mary eating a Pantone PMS 727 indeterminate puff, or her own middle finger? Apparently even she isn’t immune to the oily, seeping tendrils of boredom Adrian shoots out like strangler vines.” –bunivasal

“Mary, try the hors d’oeuvres! I chose these plain, gray crackers to symbolize our impending bland, unsatisfying marriage.” –Ethan Shuster

“We find it intriguing that shades of lavender seem to be de rigueur at Charterstone this week: the higher the status, the darker the hue. Mrs. Worth is, of course, exempt. When purple becomes the badge of the common folk, the nobility wears teal. ” –Fashion Police

“Also, the Lodge tyranny explains why Archie hasn’t done a stroke of proper work in several decades. Honestly, look at that complacent yawning mug. It makes me thirst for the revolution.” –TruthOfAngels

“I think we can mark today as the day grad school has official broken me: I read that Archie strip and found myself nodding knowingly at the final panel. ‘I feel you, Archie comic spinster schoolmarm lady. Students are the worst!'” –Revenge of Chesnut

“I’m pretty sure that when Mark gets out of the shower, he’ll just rip off that layer of skin, revealing a new layer of khaki just underneath. He only really needs to shower in order to maintain his slicked-wet hairdo.” –Jim North

“Funky Winkerbean: The ‘my wife’ joke actually makes a lot of sense because as Les’s handler for this stop of the tour, I’m pretty sure Mike now wishes he were dead, like Lisa.” –No Stupid Bear

“‘I think one of us had a little too much to drink’ reflects Doc Jeff’s confusion over whether this hot young booze-addled blonde’s come-on stems from her disinhibition or his hallucination. Either way, it’s the best damn day of his life.” –Uncle Lumpy

“I’m glad we still don’t know whether or not Mark has nipples. Either answer would be creepy.” –Poteet

“Shoe: I imagine that the art intern was charged with drawing a Treetops version of Santa, but the beak didn’t work. And he started asking himself if this Santa-bird would still have a beard, and how would that make any sense? Then he spent the rest of the day weeping in the corner.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“As soon as Les gets the projector set up, we are all invited up his ass for a slideshow commemorating Lisa’s suffering and death, projected onto the interior of his rectum. (Musical accompaniment: ‘I Will Remember You’ by Sarah McLachlan.)” –Walker of Dog

“The romantic misadventures of Aunt Iris are clearly building up to a spin-off strip entitled Willard Scott: Taxicab Matchmaker.” –Doctor Handsome

“Damn you, Comics Curmudgeon. For the first time in my life I find myself seeking out today’s Mary Worth to see what happens. By the way, Jill appears to be melting.” –k#

“Greg Evans is just messing with us. I think he originally draws Brad and Toni having sex, for his own perverse enjoyment, then uses Photoshop to move them two feet apart and add clothing. The dialog’s unchanged.” –cheech wizard

“I hope the cabman manages to be pretty assertive with his advice, considering Aunt Iris’ gift-giving history. Otherwise our hapless cyclist may be spending the next few weeks rearranging his living room around a civil-war cannon, old-timey jukebox and full-sized puppet theater.” –Violet

“It seems to me that ‘another incident’ is exactly what Adrian wants: look at that smile on her face as she proffers Jill support. ‘No,’ Jill mumbles, ‘I don’t want any water.’ ‘It’s vodka, sweetie, now drink up … we’ve both got four more hours of this crap.'” –I am Jack’s username

“Family Circus: No, Dolly, they’re ‘triplets,’ not ‘threeplicates.’ Not everyone was grown in a vat like you and your brothers.” –Mr. Goboto

“Pretty sure you’re giving Marvin’s look of terror way too much credit for listening/caring to the beings around him. It is just random happenstance timing, that he just dropped a massive, unexpected deuce in his pants. In which case the bug eyes are less ‘terror’ and more ‘SURPRISE DUMP EGO POWER SURRRRRGE.'” –Wilbur

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To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.