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Your COTW, without further ado!

“Is Ruby trying to kill Lu Ann with her mind? Does she not realize that it only works on folks with working brains?” –Spotts1701

And the runners up! Also very funny!

“That Mary Worth panel is fantastic out of context. ‘You’d better call the police! Because I’m high as a goddamn kite and I think I need to crush your eyeball with my thumb now.'” –Roto13

“If Reeky were packing heat, this would change the balance of power in the Slylockverse completely. What can Slylock do against an armed rat? Reprimand him to death? As it is, the only one with a weapon in that panel is Max, which should make him the more likely suspect. ‘Hand over the purse, lady, or I’ll butter knife you.’ I’m not saying it’s a winning scheme.” –stinkfoot

“Correction: Reeky Rat is the ALLEGED perpetrator of an ALMOST-robbery. He is likely the same guy who tipped Slylock off in the first place, and is now just having some fun prank calling and watching Sly. ‘There will be an attempted robbery at 5:00 at The Restaurant.’ ‘No, wait, there’s a robbery at The Other Restaurant.’ ‘Hey, Sly! At the park, there’s an anthropomorphic animal who stole an ice cream cone and is blaming a different anthropomorphic being! Come at once!’ ‘Back at The Restaurant, we have a report of a bowler-wearing yellow mouse holding his eating utensils in a most ungentlemanly manner!’ Meanwhile, Count Weirdly and Cassandra Cat are drilling into the safe at Megopolis Bank.” –hogenmogen

“Doesn’t it bother you that she’s trying to buy this boy? I mean, there’s no need to flash money about to get a handsome, well-toned young man to notice you. All you have to do is strike a nonchalant pose while munching a vaguely phallic food item in a seductive manner. They’ll come flocking to you, in their tight little Abercrombie T-shirts and snug-fitting jeans! How do I know? Uh … well … just a guess, really.” –Perky Bird

“Worst wedding dress montage scene ever! I even tried reading it while playing the Sex and The City theme music, still no good.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Yup, Derek knows a good thing when he sees it. And by ‘thing’, I mean my daughter. Also, when I say ‘it’, I still mean my daughter. My daughter is an object, is what I’m getting at here.” –bunivasal

“‘Sophie and Derek make a cute BOOBS don’t they?’ ‘Sophie says he’s BOOBS too!’ ‘You BOOBS he is!’ I have no freaking idea what the current plot in Judge Parker is.” –Bud

“You know, when you make a remark so disagreeably smug that it offends the sensibilities of Abbey Spencer, you’ve really accomplished something.” –jvwalt

“I don’t want to knock Canada, because I love the country, but I can’t even get any of my friends here in New England to go to Montréal; there is no way any of them are going to Northern Ontario to gawk at some valley where Lyndon Johnson is living in drag.” –twg

“I like how pointless it is to have anything bad ever happen to Mary Worth. She is always prepared, always knows just what to do, never needs some meddling biddy to spout platitudes at her in reassurance … all she needs is a slow-witted blond sidekick so she can tell us how wise and prepared she is without resorting to speaking out loud to herself.” –Reepicheep-chan

“Yep, Lu Ann, gotta be as tasteful as possible for Bishop Uncle-Dad.” –Lily Sincere

“As everyone in town knows Mary never gives anything but advice and the occasional ‘I told you so’ card, how did the thieves pull it off? Obviously Mary has pissed off a store clerk somewhere. I’m guessing it’s someone she drunk-dialed on 9/11.” –Spiff Bereft

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Bil Keane, creator of the Family Circus, died today after a long and by all accounts happy life. We owe him a debt of thanks for providing such a tempting target for mockery over the years — mockery that he was by all accounts incredibly good-natured about (he even collected Family Circus spoofs). His own sense of humor was reportedly a lot edgier than what the strip became best known for, as some of the early panels (like the one from 1960 above) demonstrate. RIP, Big Daddy Keane.

Meanwhile, little Jeffy (age 53) has been writing and drawing the strip for years now, so expect exactly zero changes on that front, and our mockery to continue unabated.

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Your comments of the week coming shortly, of course, but let us not forget two important things you can wisely spend your money on, today:

• Santa vs. Dracula, an upcoming graphic novel from Ed Power and Melissa DeJesus, creators of My Cage. Pre-order and help make this happen!
• [Citation Needed], the book, the best of Wikipedia’s worst writing, co-compiled and joked up by yours truly! Available in paperback and Kindle form!

And now, your comment of the week:

“I like how Toby is clearly just waking up once Mary finishes her non-Cameron-themed story and says Toby’s name. ‘SNRX- huh? Wha? What about me? What?'” –Snuggs

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Margo is being literal, of course — she left Queen Bee immobilized as prey for the brood of spiders who worship her as a dark goddess.” –NoahSnark

“The Crankshaft timeline is 20 years in the past and he’s telling the kids to just wait until they’re older, then they’ll understand financial woes. I’m sure now that they’re buried under student loans and assorted debt, they really chuckle at that poor man’s clever Halloween ‘joke.’ #OccupyCrankshaft” –Chareth Cutestory

“Well, that’s it. She won’t be able to ever leave her 3G cohorts (according to her contract with the strip) now. Too sad. Well, whatever it takes to keep dimwit from a cult, I guess.” –Mibbitmaker

“It does warm the cockles of my heart to see Mark still rocking the pink button-up, though. Everyone knows that mauve is the new khaki, Mark, and don’t let no one tell you any different (by punching them in the mouth before they can get the words out.)” –stopdropreload

“‘Gas bomb–exploded right under my feet’? I believe it’s traditional to blame the dog, Peter.” –Chyron HR

“If Mary Worth had paid attention to Sgt. Jim of the Railroad Police in last Sunday’s Crime Stoppers, she’d have xeroxed copies of everything in her wallet! Then everything would be jake.” –Nehemiah Scudder

“I literally did not notice the purse-stealing in Mary Worth. I am so used to ignoring the impeccably bland backgrounds and frustrating perspective that I completely missed that. Also, to give them their due, I honestly am shocked to see Mary Worth SHOWING instead of TELLING. I would’ve expected it to go like this: ‘Toby, how are — this thug is stealing my purse!’ ‘Mary, that man is getting away with your purse!’ ‘Police! He took my purse!!'” –Margaret

“Hey, did I mention I have a hot one-armed wife and her first husband wasn’t really dead but came back all messed up in the head after being held captive for like a decade overseas? Yeah … but let me defend video games to a kid who already agrees with me. We all have to fight our own battles. Mine is against the PMRC, circa 1990. By the way, kid, what’s with the facial hair? I thought you were like 10?” –smacky

“Oh boy! A whole Mary Worth plot line centred around identity theft, with Mary’s identity getting stolen!!! Presumably our time-travelling thieves from yesterday will head immediately to the Diner to cash in all of Mary’s ‘Frequent Pie-er’ points and tell the sad waitress there to give up on love.” –pugfuggly

“I got very excited the first time I read through today’s Mark Trail, because I thought we were finally getting what we’ve all waited so long for: a storyline that deals with Joe Biden’s infamous ‘lost years’. Sadly, it seems Mark Trail is not yet brave enough to take on the issue directly, and is engaged in a weak attempt to mask it by calling its Biden character ‘Mother McQueen.’ You’re not fooling anyone Elrod!” –Justinian

“Just to be clear: I’m not bothered by the bear being named Honey because it subverts traditional gender roles; it just seems to imply that the old lady’s fucking that bear.” –Doctor Handsome

“The money — all of it — belongs to Abbey. The house, the big honkin’ bus/RV, the stables you are allowed to clean, all of it. Abbey’s. If anybody is allowed to buy a pricey guitar to lure a teenaged boy into sex, it is Abbey.” –Snowshoecat

“They want to protect the animals’ valley? Then why do their actions run exactly counter to this desired outcome? If you don’t want to reveal there is gold in the valley, how about not forging gold bands from gold from the valley and sticking them on the legs of migratory birds? Maybe that would better accomplish that goal? For example: I lock my bike at the train station in a somewhat dubious part of town. I do not walk around hanging up flyers saying, ‘Cool mountain bike locked at train station! The frame is full of cocaine and scratch tickets!'” –geekwhisperer

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Magic on the Line: Not your average heroine! Allie Beckstrom has always played by the rules, but when dark magic and death begin to spread across Portland she must break free — even if it means putting her abilities and life on the line…

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.