“It’s actually a pretty gentle storyline. I mean, Mary could have drowned Jeff’s baby niece in the bathtub through neglect while coked out on Facebook or doing lines of Twitter.” –Illustre

“So he’s already spent 0.66% of his three million dollars. Stop him, Berna! Stop him! He’s not like you — he doesn’t know that money isn’t meant to bring happiness!” –Frank Lee Meidere

“It appears that there’s a sinister sexual subtext in today’s Spider-Man as Peter uses his amazing finger-placement abilities to try and get his wife to sleep with him. ‘Good morning, honey! I have woken from my slumber with a Viagra-level problem that only you can assist me with! See, even the paper implores you to “Yank Something.” It’s not me! Jameson insists, nay, demands that you fulfill your marital duty!'” –Sunstreaker84

“I like imagining Daily Bugle editorial meetings: ‘Mr. Jameson, a low-rent crook told the cops a fantastical tale of being menaced by an undead creature out of superstitious European folklore!’ ‘That’s the craziest shit I ever heard! Do we have any confirmation?’ ‘Nope! Just the word of a skeevy, possibly doped-up career criminal!’ ‘Run with it! We have our Page One, people!'” –Doctor Handsome

“Yeah, sure, they hate each other, but strangely I’m kinda moved that Loretta went to the trouble to get party hats.” –Ichi

“I think it was nice of Special K to change from her red track suit to lilac blouse in honor of knee cancer. Their ribbons are lilac, because you’ll ‘lie like’ a bump on a log without that knee. SMIRK!” –Old School Allie Cat

“What gets me is Les’s expression of commingled boredom, confusion, and disgust as he tries to cope with listening to a conversation that’s not about him in any way. If there were a fourth panel, we would see him suddenly blurt, ‘I HAVE TO GO TO A BOOK SIGNING! FOR MY BOOK!’ The fifth panel would just see the characters staring at each other silently, while Les waits for the women to apologize for boring him with the details of their petty misfortunes, and to offer to give him a ride to the signing and a foot massage afterward. In the sixth panel, that is exactly what would happen.” –Obstreperous B

“I things are tough all over and real-world economic woes are oh-so-rudely threatening to puncture Sam Driver’s bubble of privilege. Soon, he’ll investigate the roots of the global economic downturn, discover that a cabal of rent-seekers has been siphoning off the world’s wealth for forty or so years, and thus solve the Mystery of the Missing Money. (Spoiler: Sam has it.)” –Effluvius Erratus

“Wait, so they cleared the court and sent the players to the locker room for a knee injury? Even in the NFL when a player is out cold and can’t move their extremities, the players stay on the field while they bring out the cart. But in the Funkiverse, they want to make sure that injuries are played for maximum dramatic effect. I suspect the locker rooms have the video of Brian’s Song playing on a continuous loop to set the mood.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

Spider-Man: “Ah, the old ‘Maybe he wasn’t’ ploy, always good for bringing back a character when you can’t be bothered to come up with a new plotline. ‘But wasn’t Snailman crushed by 3000 tons of Kosher rock salt and his remains fired into the sun?’ ‘Maybe he wasn’t!'” –New_squid_in_town

“I call Wilbur’s bold fashion choice of a shirt today ‘Ode to the Kidney.'”

“I think Margo is just thinking, ‘Finally, someone turned on by frigid, cold places. He’ll just love my … life.'” –Badger3k

FW: “After the coach is fired for not having any control over the team, Les More will be hired to coach the team. He’ll change the name of the team to the ‘Lisas,’ call each player ‘Lisa,’ and then write a book titled Lisa’s Daughter’s Legacy.” –thegatwickview

“People obsessed with the trivial details of other people’s lives? How shocking! By the way, did you see how black that kettle was?” –TheDiva

“Jeffy’s stoop-moping has now become one of his trademark characteristics, along with ‘pantlessness’ and ‘abject lack of charm.'” –Cooler King

“I believe science has demonstrated that Thel’s neck would snap like a twig under the weight of Jeffy, The Prince of Pudge. Hell, I’m surprised she can wear a hat without collapsing.” –boojum

“So, basically, here’s the way the Mary Worth plot will play out: Mary will be choking to death on a fish bone, and Jeff’s digital electronic e-Book computerized reader will contain some document that explains the Heimlich maneuver. After her life is saved by the Booktronic Computome Digibook, she’ll renounce her former dislike of machines and marry a blender.” –Kibo

“Here we see four comics, all using the same limited color palette, but somehow only Mary Worth manages to be completely nauseating.” –Ethan Shuster

“I fear that the Mary-Jeff interaction is going to be held up as the model for interpersonal disagreements on the adoption of new technologies, and that we’re about to see a more dysfunctional way to be a Luddite. It’s Wilbur, so perhaps he’ll eat Dawn’s oversized smartphone in a sandwich, while moping.” –Aviatrix

“One problem is that this alleged high school [in Luann] has always only had about a dozen students, tops. Introducing an actual new student seems to be an extremely lengthy and painful process, kinda like giving birth to a Volkswagen. Quill is very lucky to exist.” –Poteet

“‘LOL! ROFL! Epic fail!’ hoots Wilbur in an attempt to connect with his ‘net-savvy’ daughter, then goes back to eating his expired cling peaches in brine.” –new_squid_in_town

“Oh no, my daughter is addicted to her smart phone! Stay calm, Wilbur. She needs you right now! Step one is to finish dinner: cramming these orange globs down my throat as fast as possible, by hand if necessary!” –Black Drazon

“If you look carefully, you’ll notice that Crock’s fort (I have no idea if it has an actual name) is flying the white flag of surrender. The French Foreign Legion has capitulated to the Tunisian revolt, and Poulet’s last act before shipping back to France is to try and find a book in French — ANY book — to keep his mind occupied on the long journey home. Sadly, all the writings of the foreigners have been burned.” –Just Some Guy

“Maybe the Crock author is ready to roll out his own home-brewed language, and is trying to first discredit our current one using shaming tactics.” –The Other One

“‘Well, Loweezy, I can think of another way you can pay those bills.’ Cue the wacka-wacka background music … or banjo music … or wacka-wacka banjo music.” –Pozzo

“Dawn’s relationship with her father may actually deepen if limited to 140 character communications. Is more really needed to discuss sandwiches and nothingness?” –VochoCinco

“How expensive could a jar of leeches possibly be?” –James

“Listen to your father, Dawn. Both as the target of a Facebook paternity fraud scam and an advice columnist who answers anonymous letters while pretending to be a lady, Wilbur know a thing or two about connecting with real people.” –Violet

“I don’t know what kind of horror has caused Dolly and Jeffy to flee in haste from the Keane ranchette, but not only, as others have mentioned, has Jeffy tied something non-hat like on his head (the arm protector from the La-Z-Boy?) but Dolly has put her stirrup pants on over her shoes. That’s right, Dolly — the tree keeps its clothes at all times on so it can make a quick escape when its mommy starts screaming out bible scripture and chasing the kids around with a hairbrush and a vacuum hose.” –Mustang

“So this is the meth lab Paul’s so proud of? Be careful Lu Ann, those chemicals will straighten your hair.” –zenvelo

“After reading Shoe, I started to make a list of things that are really important that you don’t see people doing on TV. I won’t bore you with the whole list. But masturbating made the cut. Reading Shoe did not.” –Esther Blodgett

“‘Rely on batteries or electricity?’ Good Lord, what else did her husband give her other than those swans on their marriage night? She might have gotten an electric shock from which she’s never recovered. I’m surprised the doc hasn’t prescribed lotion.” –Dingo

“Kelly is Cherry’s evil twin sister. Mark tolerates her because he can’t tell them apart.” –gnome de blog

“How can Jeff fail to comprehend that Mary would be daunted by this new technology? As has been amply demonstrated this week, our venerable heroine continues to find the intricacies of operating a coffee cup almost hopelessly bewildering.” –Violet

“The obvious subtext of every Pluggers is always, ‘Pluggers honestly don’t give a fuck if they live or die,’ but today’s installment is a little on-the-nose.” –Doctor Handsome

“Nothing says ‘I’m not afraid’ like placing your coffee cup in a defensive position between your heart and what you fear most: a future beyond the control of Mary Worth.” –VochoCinco

“OK, so that’s clearly not a plugger, because when the hell did pluggers start using fancy-Dan cable boxes and big-time-Charlie remote boxes? Pluggers use rabbit ears and believe that remote controls shoot lasers that could take out an eye. Fucking frauds.” –DownWithOPP