“Poor Charlie Brown. Once, he was a global icon, the Everyman incarnate, beloved staple of holiday television traditions and cute birthday cards everywhere. Now in the wake of the Animalpocalypse he’s forgotten, his iconic shirt hanging forlorn on thrift store rack among the detritus of the civilization that bore him. Good grief.” –TheDiva

“Sure, Mary Worth can have beach fun and ancient Egypt in alternate weeks, but Heathcliff crams them both into the same day. See him pointedly staring away from the water, with a smug smile on his face, as his mummy friend sinks below the waves. Heathcliff knows he doesn’t need to save anyone to make his comic fun!” –Nevin, on Patreon

“The Gospels quote gives the game away. ‘Yeah, we’re all going out to dinner one night next week. There will be thirteen of us in all. But I feel like one of them is going to betray me in the near future. Maybe I’ll bring that up, just to clear the air.’” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I hope it looks like… [mentally cycles through all the weird humanoid shapes that exist in the Crock-verse] …I take it back, we shouldn’t be procreating.” –pugfuggly

“Look, I know there are only so many ways to dress logic puzzles up as child-friendly detective mysteries, but ‘How did Slylock find the thief? He looked at the security camera footage’ is really scraping the bottom of the barrel.” –Schroduck

“Asimov’s Revised Laws of Robotics:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
4. Women be Shopping.” –Philip

“I dream of a world where not only do the garbage men win awards, but also that they wish to discuss it with me, like I’m anything to them beyond a trash-gouting annoyance, and they’re anything to me beyond, well, the garbage men. Also, one of them looks like he was heaved forward via wormhole from a cartoon produced in 1938. I’m pretty sure Joan Baez wrote at LEAST one song about this.” –A Grave Mind

“This, this is classic mid-late period B.C.! There’s a rock with words on it! The words mean ‘Blatant pretext for an incredibly low-effort joke!’ Then there’s an incredibly low-effort joke! The panel is filled out with a stock drawing of a disappointed caveman and … just a lot of white space! Get rid of Satan’s Color Gradient at the bottom of panel two and you’re cooking.” –matt w

“Man, today’s Beetle Bailey takes a deep dive into race relations in the military. During the 60s and 70s, black soldiers and officers were always told something wasn’t regulation — usually their haircut or their facial hair. ‘No Afros, no matter how short! No beard, even if shaving causes skin irritation.’ To have a pompous white general demean one of the most competent lieutenants in Camp Swampy — who just happens to be black! — means Beetle Bailey has finally reached the Vietnam War, and we can look forward to most of these idiots bleeding out in a rice paddy.” –Voshkod

“Maybe it’s just the MG&G team’s subtle way of saying they’re mailing it in today.” –Pozzo

“Fire departments are usually a competence of local government, while the Postal Service is a federal institution. Is being willing to piss on fire hydrants but not mailboxes a celebration of centralised power against the wishes of the framers or an indication that local government is more responsive to the natural needs of citizens? In this essay…” –Ettorre

“The corpses, mother. It is the corpses which draw me to the museum, day after day. Through my second sight, I can’t help but see everyone (except for Mary Worth, the Ageless One) decaying around me. But the mummies lie still, preserved, proof that even death beyond death can have its terminus.” –Guts Dozier

“That’s not Olive’s mom. Mary is going the extra mile to encourage Olive’s interests, acting out the myth of Khonsu, aging and becoming young again with the phases of the moon.” –Dan

“He just now suspects that he might be a dog. The rear-end shot is to verify it. Tail = dog, no tail = a conundrum for another day.” –MKay

“Do you see how eager Snert looks? He definitely understands human language, probably because he’s a man cursed by the gods to live as a dog. The family fears that, by so blatantly thwarting Loki’s will, they will attract his wrath. (Frankly, the hat is already a risk.)” –Mr. A

“He’ll be staying with us for a week or so. Or until his insurance runs out, whichever comes first. He does have insurance, doesn’t he?” –seismic-2

“Fun fact: the nurses I know hate CPR, because it inflicts broken ribs and sternums, even damage to the lung or liver, and for what? Overall survival rates outside of the ER are around 7.5%. For patients over the age of 70, that drops to 6.7%. So if you’re trying to, let’s say, resuscitate a comic strip born in 1948, it’s just not worth it. Get Rex Morgan, M.D., a DNR order, stat!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“This puts a new spin on things, as presumably his greatest foe is ‘the Master.’” –Maltmash3r

“Medical dude’s incredulous ‘You’re Jonah’s FAMILY?’ was responsible for what was probably the first time I’ve ever laughed out loud at a Rex Morgan strip. But it was kind of undermined when I read further and realized this guy just has some sort of Tourette’s-like random bolding disorder. ‘We think we’ll be able to treat him with MEDICATION!’” –Peanut Gallery

“Milford and the local athletic conference play by modified rules of football, where ‘getting your nose’ of your opponent is worth extra points. This is because sports is more valued than education, so a good percentage of players don’t have object permanence.” –Philip

“I have three big questions: 1) Why does she speak in yellow bubbles? 2) Why did she stop by the dorm just to do her lipstick in a floor length mirror and then leave again? 3) Who taught Greg Evans the phrase ‘don’t yuck my yum’ and how do we bring them to justice?” –the autumn and the scarlet, on BlueSky

“I guess this is supposed to be a romantic setting — but the ominous canopy of pure-black trees in the daylight suggests we’re getting to the part of the movie where a pair of hormonal teens will be axe-murdered by inbred monster-folk as soon as they start getting frisky.” –BigTed

“Hi is 39 and Lois must be around the same age. She was a teenager around the turn of the millennium, so she should not know anything about handwritten letters. She should encourage her son to call the girl, text using a ton of abbreviations to stay within characters limit, or go to AOL messaging.” –Ettorre

“Do you think the artist for Beetle Bailey understands that Sarge wears a tie, and not a pair of disconnected triangles, the upper one attached to his neck, the other hovering ominously below? Or has it been reduced to mere symbolism, a icon of an early forgotten age?” –Voshkod

“The Marvin team shows, yet again, that they have never cared for — or, possibly, met — a toddler. There’s no joke in this comment, out of respect for the Marvin team, which clearly subscribes to some sort of devoutly anti-humor and anti-natalist cult or sect.” –a.

“You’re in Dustin, Dustin. Nobody knows any good jokes.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“Don’t do it, Dustin! It’s a trick, intended solely to humiliate you!” –The Breathtaking Bonehead Brothers

“Lois is momentarily caught off guard by the realization that this couple is so in sync that they’re finishing each other’s sentences. She had forgotten that married life was not miserable for everyone, at least not at first. She shook herself and steeled her jaw. One more sale; that was all she needed. One more commission, and she could afford to start over, alone, someplace far away…” –Guts Dozier

“How about ‘neuters,’ which is what the woman is going to do to you when she gets that poem.” –TheDiva

“Cody is still sitting in his car because he’s also had a heart attack … and he’s dead. Jonah’s last words as he seeks his help: ‘You good for nothing little…’ Cut to Rex doing an autopsy on the two boys which, all things considered, is not a bad way to wrap up this story arc. ‘It’s never too late to connect with loved ones, or not.’ He smirks.” –Hibbleton

“Alice, that is not a purse. That is a teabag. Which makes me wonder if her real problem is that she boiled her purse and drank it. We can only imagine what potent cocktail of psychedelics and narcotics were in there.” –Schroduck

“I would be a daily reader of a version of Rex Morgan, M.D. in which every week is spent on a rando yelling at a regular cast member about how much they hate them before being mercifully taken out by some medical condition, free from ever having to interact with them again. I mean, I’m already a daily reader of Rex Morgan, M.D., but at least then my behavior would make sense to me.” –Drew Funk

“Nah, no worries, Andy Bear just noticed his kangaroo wife has swapped out the Zest for Coast, and he is confused. And yet, PUMPED.” –A Grave Mind

“Cuzzin could always date Dee Snider, lead singer of Twistedfer Sistofer.” –astroboy

“True story: When I woke up this morning the word ‘Mistofer’ was bouncing around my head, and I couldn’t remember where it was from — Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, maybe? — and then I came to this website and had a horrible self-discovery.” –matt w

“Grandma Nutmeg knows a thing or two: that before robots, men spoke of golems and homunculii, almost-humans conceived and born deep in the uncanny valley. She knows that the origins of the word robot itself are from Old Church Slavonic — the one and true Christian liturgical language — and its term for servitude, and that every servant from the angels downward has the potential for rebellion. She knows that the cybernetic man, like all men, has a penchant for sticking his d*ck where it does not belong and should feel the hot sting of shame no less than any man.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Mr. Wilson’s retort to his wife is a cranky, mean-spirited remark so devoid of any wordplay or even the barest attempt at humor that it actually receives a rare negative score on what comic scientists refer to as the Crankshaft Quotient.” –Chance

“What the fuck is Jeff eating? Are those leaves? It would explain why Marvin and the cushion appear to be covered in flies, but that’s pretty much as expected.” –Rosstifer

“Really liking that accusing look on Dennis’s face. ‘I was promised some kind of circus freak who lived like a dog, and instead I get this boring suburban schmoe? Boo! Zero stars!’” –pugfuggly

“Or, you know, just throw out that tacky cheap pink vase, Lois. There is no way Hi is going to use the Japanese art of kintsugi to bring new life to it. At best he’ll slather on some Gorilla glue and you’ll constantly have to remember to turn that side to the wall.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Big props to yesterday’s Judge Parker for resolving a plot hole with ‘There was probably an entry code for the vacation home in the stuff Glen sent me, which I didn’t read.’ This rings true to life! On the other hand ‘The CIA agent has a pierced septum’ is probably also true to life and I hate it.” –matt w

“Good resume. But she said she wanted to learn from me, and I wouldn’t like to have any employee with low enough self esteem to actually respect me. Have you seen our record?” –Philip

“Since there are no canals in Hartlepool (research consisting solely of scanning the Wikipedia page of that fair city and not seeing any photos of them), I’d like to think that Andy has fallen into an open sewage ditch. Don’t worry, nothing can kill him!” –But What Do I Know?

“Ever since our AI overlords banished women to an infinite plane that just contains kitchen appliances, I don’t get to talk to my friends much anyway. Who knew that this was how Gamergate was going to end?” –Voshkod

“Yeah, right. You didn’t, Naomi. Olive saved her life. You have nice hair, though.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I might be wrong but I think this whole story line is the plot to Madame Web.” –LTJpezcore1

“Heathcliff’s sign is a command, people! You are BLOWING this!” –A Grave Mind

“It’s late, we should be going. Not that sitting here on your sectional and staring at each other all night wasn’t fun, but we were kind of hoping you would offer us some drinks or snacks or entertainment or conversation. Still, your cat’s writing demonstration was a real surprise, so the evening wasn’t a total loss.” –BigTed

“Heathcliff is holding the sign facing away from the group. The other side says ‘Fuck you people.’” –The Rambling Otter