“Yes, New York City is a dangerous place. Not the people; the inanimate structure of the the city itself is violently rejecting Mary, like T-cells attacking a foreign organism.” –Peanut Gallery

“Ha, silly millennials, quitting their jobs because they find them uninspiring. No, the real way to do it is to never quit, and just double down on your napping and goofing off! Also, dress like an off-duty hearse driver. Not sure how that one helps, but don’t mess with the formula.” –pugfuggly

“There’s something haunting about Mary’s expression as Olive pulls her aside; her mouth is agape and her eyes are fixed ahead. It’s as if her soul has already left her body and begun its ascension, but Olive has unnaturally dragged it back to Earth. Once again, God’s Will that Mary Worth die in New York has been thwarted. But He will surely try again. Just as He has tried countless times to see Wilbur die at sea.” –Guts Dozier

“Dithers should ask the vending company to stock the machines with beverages fortified with vitamin D because it looks like everyone there has rickets.” –nescio

“Let’s say hypothetically, I was a criminal. And I ended up being arrested by a ventriloquist dummy wearing a enormous red bow-tie. The humiliation would prepare me for anything prison has to offer.” –The Rambling Otter

“At this point, I just want to see how long they can milk this. I want to see Roots Country Guy still sitting in the diner talking about not being some rando’s father in November.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“‘You had no idea Varla and Spuds were…?’ ‘None at all.’ ‘Despite the fact that Spuds wrote a whole thinly veiled album about it called I’m Cheating with Carla, Buck’s Estranged Wife, that you sang on, on a track titled Cuckold Blues?’ ‘The man had a way of hiding his crimes behind his art, what can I say?’” –Philip

“‘Horace thinks he’s funny but he ain’t‘: TFW you love the Carmen Saeculare but couldn’t care less for the Satires and Epodes.” –Ettorre

“Okay, so we can’t see his eyes, but we can see his navel? Things have certainly changed since the I Dream of Jeannie days.” –Pozzo

“If I wanted to hear a good joke I wouldn’t be reading Barney Google and Snuffy Smith. Give me the deadline-beating ‘This’ll do’ I’ve come to expect!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“When you’ve got an event called ‘The Meat Games’ with a blazing cauldron, flags celebrating various cuts of meat and thousands of cheering cats, you’d think Grandpa and Iggy would start wondering just why they were invited and what their role in all this is supposed to be.” –cheech wizard

“So of all the words in that last sentence the artist could have chosen to inform Widebody Redshirt’s mouth position, he went with ‘to.’ Huh. I mean, it’s fine, I guess, Baldy McYellow over there can speak every sentence while doing his best impression of a baleen whale, but for some reason I’m hung up on the guy on the right looking like he’s practicing his embouchure. (I guess that’s why the guy on the left lips up in panel 3; he’s just realized that this car that’s inexplicably flying through the air is not doing so to the movie theater, but to his buddy’s trumpet lesson. Hey, Haydn’s ‘Concerto in E-flat major’ ain’t gonna practice itself.)” –els

“You may think ‘the netherworld’ is one of Herb and Jamaal’s textbook nonspecificities, but in fact Herb is just a devout believer in Chinese traditional religion. He knows that after death, he’ll be condemned to Denghuo Diyu, Netherworld Court of King Chujiang, where he’ll be heated until he passes out, and then revived by an icy wind. Maybe if he practices in front of the fan, he can build an immunity.” –Schroduck

“I’d like to direct this plugger to the January 7, 2025, article in the New York Times titled ‘Is Peeing Just in Case Bad for Your Bladder Health?’ The answer is yes, the practice of ‘convenient or proactive voiding’ can lead to an overactive bladder. Doctors recommend mindfulness, working with a pelvic floor therapist, and cutting back on caffeinated and alcoholic drinks as ways of preventing this. I mean, far be it from me to suggest a plugger should listen to doctors, or give up those three hours sitting in a diner drinking coffee every morning, or those three hours in the afternoon drinking beer in his recliner while watching the game — or, worse, that he should read the New York Times — in fact, never mind, just forget I said anything.” –BigTed

“‘Spuds?’ ‘Truck’? Boy that Varla chick sure did have some awful taste in men let me tell you, ha ha ha ha… [Wanda ponders on something] Hey wait a minute… [Wanda’s eyes go wide at the shock of the stunning revelation] Oh no!!” –2+2=7

“Mary needs to get involved here! Nothing will make Olive cooler than a haranguing old lady coming to her defense!” –A Grave Mind

“Mary Worth just taught me that I do not like it when characters in the strip voice what I’ve been thinking for the last week.” –matt w

“Jalapeno poppers … hot wings … spicy sushi rolls … doro wat … revuelto Gramajo … palusami … keubaibat hail … lutefisk … I’m a bit concerned this restaurant lacks focus, boy. I knew we shouldn’t have gone to Random Places, Random Plates.” –Voshkod

“…and from hilarious to introspective and from introspective to soul-crushing. When some of the guys started talking about a suicide pact, I figured I’d better go home.” –Weaselboy

“I’m not sure if the border agent’s interrogation is a sign of the chilly state of US-Canada relations, or an acknowledgement that ‘I came all this way for a CFL game’ sounds like a cover story, and an unconvincing one at that.” –TheDiva

“Wizard of Id has succintly portrayed the difference between Early and Late Medieval modes of warfare: while his Dark Age companions are boldly dying for their feudal lord, the canny Sir Rodney treats war as a profession. He is akin to the condottiere who would dominate later Italian warfare. That sly look and crooked smile is that of a man who sees human corpses as nothing more than money in his purse, arguably far more barbaric than his predecessors. But trebuchets suck for hitting single guys so we’re probably about to see Sir Smarty Pants’ insides in spite of his historically progressive role.” –m.w.

“Some bold theological claims on Pardon My Planet: It stipulates that pick-up lines, jaded sarcasm, and calling women ‘baby cakes’ all predate original sin and can be done in a state of perfect innocence.” –Nevin, on Patreon

“Interesting to see that the Garden of Eden may be free of physical pain, but that ‘cringe’ still exists, even (especially?) among the animals. Maybe our heaven on earth was their hell. Makes you think.” –pugfuggly

“I was going to laugh at these village hicks sitting down with big grins to watch two hours of sickening hallucinogenic body horror, but then I realised this is the intermission! They know what they’re watching and they love it. Psychosexual insect drug orgies? To the Vikings, that’s basically regular orgies.” –Schroduck

“I have never seen character designs more built for an animated series that no one will ever fund.” –Tristan Olson, on BlueSky

“The real joke is that the movie isn’t even over, they’re talking right in the middle of it.” –The Rambling Otter

“Grimm has mistaken Ty-D-bol for Blue Curacao liqueur. Right now his head is spinning but no worries, he’ll be dead soon.” –Hibbleton

“Ignoring your direct report because she’s leaving at the end of her contract, so why bother trying to make her feel like part of the team: JERK BEHAVIOR. Ignoring your coworker because you’re leaving at the end of your contract, so why bother trying to make her feel like part of the conversation she is currently attempting to have with you, and also stone cold referring to her as ‘this woman’ in your head: TOTALLY COOL!” –Lomo

“Do you really need a whole book to tell the story of Noah? Doesn’t Genesis get through it in, like, three chapters? Maybe the rest of the book is advertising for Northern Kentucky’s Ark Encounter.” –Pozzo

“If a guy walked up to me bound up on his cot like that, I’d forget the wailing of the siren: ‘came’ would not land as ‘moved from that place to here.’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I like how seriously Killer is treating this. ‘D-do you NOT hear that loud emergency alert, dumpy fat guy and weirdo bed-man? Why are you just standing around? GET OUTTA MY WAY!’” –Astroboy

“The previous version of this gag was only two panels. I hope they keep producing new versions of this strip with more and more panels, until it’s just a series of tiny slivers with one word in each.” –Peanut Gallery

“Mr. Lodge has a point. Clowning has a traditional set of exercises starting with selecting a clown archetype (whiteface, auguste or tramp) and building through gesture, expression, movement and running gags to develop a coherent character, separate and distinct from the person playing the character. Archie’s just Archie with bigger hair, different-colored freckles and the same lack of humor.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Mr. Lodge clearly used AI to write the book and put a picture of the money he saved by stiffing a human on the back as a power move. The proleteriat is on notice now!” –Jerp + Jump

“There is something about the way the barbarian’s weapon is drawn — the perspective, I guess — that makes it look too three-dimensional to be a flat sword. Wait, I have it: it’s a popsicle. The barbarian is trying to eat a popsicle in peace and this idiot keeps sticking a pointed stick in his face.” –Nekrotzar

“The waitress already knew Andy Bear is kidding. He isn’t wanted anywhere.” –matt w

“As he scurried away with the loot, the Millipede laughed. Leaving two of his 1300 right gloves behind … no way the Vulpine Vindicator was going to figure this one out!” –Voshkod

“I, myself, had a pair of eyeglasses that hid my pupils, and disguised normal eye functions. Took ’em driving! Many have died needlessly.” –A Grave Mind

“That TikTok still only got 5 likes. It’s tough out there.” –BillieVee

“In panel two, Killer is holding a bottle of Instant Hat.” –Ukulele Ike

“I’m really uncomfortable with the way Truck is breaking the fourth wall here. ‘Are you this guy’s father? You, the reader? Well, if I remember my Roland Barthes then, yes, indeed, you could be described as a metaphorical parent to both of us…’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Lighthouses have traditionally served as phallic images in romance novels and Dot and Ditto show us the consequences of those romantic urges. A timely warning as couples head out on their summer vacations.” –Hibbleton

“The twins scampered around to the other side of Lois’s chair before delivering the ‘sand’ line. Their next complaint about the beach will be ‘The blocking is too fussy.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Pubs must have had a seniority system based on hours spent in the establishment, which entitled the most frequent customers to benefits. In the strict class structure of the UK, it’s the only status Andy is eligible to have over the other mere-drunks who spend most of their days on other fruitless pursuits like productive, but low-paid, labor.” –Philip

“How tall is Hi? I’m trying to decide if he’s slouching to fit into the frame with his much shorter wife, or slumped over to make him look like a loser. Eh, why not both?” –Victor Von

“I love that something medical is finally happening in Rex Morgan, M.D., and Rex is nowhere in sight. He’s probably pretty happy with that too.” –Dan

“I know that this strip over describes everything it does, but in this case it really makes it sound like an obvious fraud. ‘Here’s the website … and now I’m putting in the password … and here are the results …wow, it says here that you are super-duper my dad! It’s funny how these new websites looks just like a PowerPoint file. It’s not, though.’” –pugfuggly

“Truck must have been assuming this would be like an episode of Maury, where the DNA test would just shout out the identity of the father without needing any interpretation. Which, now that I think about it, would be a much funnier way for 23AndMe to work. ‘Travis, you are … NOT 1/16th Cherokee!’” –Navigator

“Trixie may be filled with the same malaise as the rest of her family, a malaise so deep that not even magenta carpet can cheer them up, but she’s already mastered the art of the convincing fake smile. She might just be OK.” –Guts Dozier

“Considering Trixie has been a preverbal infant for decades, I’m pretty sure it’s always too early to apply for her preschool, actually.” –Morgan Wick

“If by ‘applying for Trixie’s preschool‘ you mean ‘searching for houses in a better school district than the monstrosity that produced Chip, Ditto and the other one,’ then yes, yes I am.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Gertie tried to have Dale’s actual body mounted in the car as well, but Earnhardt family lawyers and a cemetery night watchman put a stop to THAT, the killjoys.” –A Grave Mind

“I guess this answers my question from yesterday. They didn’t take a paternity test, as anyone who knew what ‘paternity’ means would have done. Instead, they sent off to some ancestry-type service. And not one that just says they’re (eyeballing the characters) 107% white. This one matches their genes with everyone else who’s ever used the service, and sends a HIPAA-violating list of close relatives.” –Ken

“Those vampire posers are not real goths! You know who is? Gearhead Gertie! Nothing but a morbid and sexual fascination with death could explain why she put Dale Earnhardt’s car against a wall, the same way he tragically died!” –Ettorre

“I understand why everyone got so outraged by inflation if three bags of Skittles, two bags of chips and an off-brand bottle of Faygo costs $105.95. This price increase is going to drive home-grown American WoW guilds out of business, and before we know it the Chinese will have monopolized the Spine of Deathwing raid business.” –Schroduck

“Wow. Two options, both so unappealing that the only solution is to use each one to get out of the other, then hide out in a decent hotel all week.” –MKay

“Look, man, fuck you, I’m the one that has to collect the phlogiston, the bat urine, the crystalized heart of a mountain, and the blood of a royal virgin for this potion, and that shit costs!” –Voshkod