“OK but BARNEY in that first panel. The eldritch horror of Barney. Contorted Barney. Barney. is. contorted. The eyes in his head pop and flash! Be he owl or be he man? Be he bedeviled, or bedeviler be he?” –it is an ancient mariner

“A lot of birds eat spiders — so wouldn’t a giant spider be, like, a gourmet feast to these folks? The only thing to be scared of is too many leftovers!” –BigTed

“So it looks like Phantom costumes alter, according to the era of their tenure. Can’t wait to see the one with bell bottoms and platform shoes.” –Pozzo

“‘But that all sounds so stupid now.’ Hey, that’s all right. It sounded stupid the first time, too.” –Peanut Gallery

“Slylock will investigate this, but he holds the shoe store manager as much in contempt as Smitty. Shoes are a relic of the human regime, true sons of the animal revolution go barefoot, like him!” –Ettorre

“It’s true, a hilarious premise like ‘eating a can of dog food by accident’ is simply too radical for newspaper comics. Luckily, Curtis has a found a loophole: you can still describe a funnier comic in their boring comic without actually showing it, thus circumventing the rules of powerful newsprint publishers. Kind of like how you can publish any copyrighted video on YouTube as long as there’s a little square on the bottom right of you ‘reacting’ to it. Comedy is safe again (but for how long?)!” –pugfuggly

“It was nice of the undercover officer to go to all the trouble and cost of creating an enlarged photo so the readers could see the evidence against Smitty. If Smitty put that much trouble into remembering which arm he had his fake cast on, he’d get away with more crimes.” –TheDiva

“In my headcanon, those terrifying children are wizened elves from the Feywild masquerading as kids. Their ‘doll’ and ‘AI’ are still more spirits who’ve come to plague Gertie. Seriously, look at, um, the kid on the left’s eyes. They’re like a doll’s eyes and she’s literally carrying a doll to help illustrate that fact! Wait, do these kids have names? Have they stolen those memories, too? Will they leave me with nothing?!” –Victor Von

“Those AI devices look way more human than those alleged children. At least they look like something a human would build or draw.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“Guys! Where are you going? The stadium is over there! Why are they running towards the practice field? Are they going to the parking lot?” –UncleJeff

“Gotta feel a little bad for those horse thieves. It must be rough trying to find burlap sacks big enough to carry your stolen horses.” –jroggs

“Slouched posture placing the thorax’s center of gravity behind its support, dramatically lengthened forelimbs, shortened knee-to-ankle span, the ever-present antennae? Dagwood should be less concerned with what Honey’s reading than with his advancing case of insectoidism.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Joey’s doing the bug-eyed, tongue-out, steam-from-the-ears thing that cartoon characters used to when they saw a beautiful woman, so I’m assuming this is a classic Dennis malapropism, and he thinks ‘tamale’ is pronounced like ‘female.’” –Schroduck

“Watching these kids hold a food designed to be eaten on a plate with their bare hands and watching Joey burn his tongue implying that the food just came from the steamer basket makes me think that Margaret isn’t really smart as that; she’s just a girl of normal intelligence surrounded by idiots.” –OId Man Shadow

“Imagine being comforted by Dick Tracy, with his hand gently clutching your shoulder. And all the while he’s got his eyes squinched shut, like he can’t bear to look at you. The awkwardness of this situation would probably make me forget what I was initially upset about. ‘So, like, anyway … do you have a Kleenex, because my face is really sweaty. Sorry if it’s grossing you out.’” –made of wince

“Part of Jimmy’s ‘going above and beyond’ included [squints] guarding a fireworks display? ‘Why, I will certainly ensure that only licensed, certified pyrotechnicians are employed by this company! And that all observers maintain the minimum required distance! And I will do so in a cop car straight out of 1974, for some reason.’” –astroboy

“I can personally relate to, and feel sympathy for, someone like Lou who tries to cover his bald scalp with a comb-over. I do have trouble, however, in sympathizing with Lou’s attitude of ‘Oh, what the heck. Three-quarters of the way across is good enough.’ Buy a toupee, Lou.” –seismic-2

“Those are some odd choices for fantasy heroes. Prince is an inborn trait. Pirate is a type of criminal. Cowboy is a job, same as tech support, so he should be on the Actual Hero side if you like beef and dairy products.” –Anonymous

“Love me, love my thousand dying dogs.” –Gerry Quinn

“Thrill to the slightly stiff finger drama! Gaze in awe as ‘just wearing a splint’ probably fixes it! Gasp in terror as the slim prospect of surgery still remains! Wonder briefly about the patient’s romantic life!” –Chance

“Narration box clearly doesn’t think trigger finger is a real condition.” –Dan

“No, Truck, it was as recently as Friday when June Morgan distinctly told you that if the splint and medications don’t fix it, then next they’ll try cortisone injections, and only if that fails too then they’ll resort to surgery. Is this story arc so boring that even you don’t bother to read it any more? (Yes.)” –seismic-2

“I stick by a theory I recently posited that Camp Swampy is a big psychological experiment by the Army to test the boundaries of soldiers under duress from poor leadership. Can a cook order a private to guard the food specifically against his immediate commanding officer? The results will be studied in a dark room of the Pentagon, and the findings will inform future tests.” –Philip

“Is this a feline retelling of the nativity story?” –johnny lt

“I too like to verbalize my frustrations over a breakup by sitting my pets down at the dinner table, cry-eating ice cream in front of them, and expositing to them precisely what’s going on. Although I don’t know about putting my elbows on the table. I’ve still got some dignity.” –Amelie Wikström

“So, after every meal I take these Herbalife supplements. Let me show you our exciting new product line!” –Peanut Gallery

“If you gave a printer a handjob to completion, would it ejaculate ink or paper? Today’s Beetle Bailey answers that question at least.” –Schroduck

“I’m not sure why, but I find those extra m’s on ‘yum’ really off-putting. It’s a sandwich, man, get a grip.” –pugfuggly

“Sometimes you have to appreciate how some comics are just a job that you have to churn out by a deadline when the artist has blank pages being spit out by the, sure, we’ll accept that’s a printer. A few lines on the papers to indicate something is actually being printed? That’s precious golf time!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Dagwood read the Book of Exodus and decided that putting pepperoni above his front door was a way to tell the angel of death ‘Please take my first born, but leave my pizza alone!’” –Ettorre

“Blondie shamelessly caters to its readers’ fantasies: having kids who are impressed by their parents’ bullshit.” –matt w

“Truck Tyler Featuring Mud Mountain on Guitar With Special Opening Act Shorty and Beanpole. There will be no refunds.” –Liam

“I was stressed about wedding planning … now I’m stressed that you brought over a dozen muffins just for the two of us.” –Hibbleton

“George and Martha Wilson are a 99-year-old male and 95-year-old female being admitted to hospice services jointly with a terminal diagnosis of E.905.1 Lack of Style. They currently reside at 2253 Pine Street, next to Alice and Henry Mitchell and the Mitchell’s five-year-old son Dennis, who serves as the Wilson’s Power of Attorney.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“‘Ed ghosted me, Mary. I guess he just doesn’t have the rizz. Skibidi … Sigma?’ ‘Oh, Stella. I vibe you, gurl.’ Somewhere, you hear the souls of millions of Gen Z cry out in agony and then are silenced. Their youth is behind them. Their future is newspaper comics.” –OId Man Shadow

“I just realized that I have no idea what Lt. Fuzz’s job is at Camp Swampy. I presumed that maybe he was Halftrack’s personal assistant, but then I thought his job is literally blocking Halftrack’s view of Buxley at all times (per the restraining order).” –The Rambling Otter

“‘Your fiance the veterinarian.’ Cousin Pam is not buying this ONE BIT. Ed is going to have to text some pictures of the disemboweled Mitzi on the table, so that Estelle can save face.” –MKay

“I don’t care for the ‘ha ha’ in Beetle Bailey. It changes the throwaway gag from ‘Zero does not know what infantry means’ to ‘Zero is injecting a bit of levity into the proceedings, ha ha, just a little wordplay from Camp Swampy’s resident wit.’” –Dan

“The Phantom shows Ed how to do emotional unavailability right. ‘Me and my animals are riding off to fake our deaths. If anyone cares about me, tell them tough shit.’” –matt w

“New Mark Trail knows that it is not enough to pander to male readers interested in manly nature adventures! You also need to cater to female interests, such as true crime and how to dispose of a body!” –Ettorre

“Difficult births are primarily caused (except for complications) with humans’ unusually large head sizes. So it’s understandable why Rufus was an easy slide out. Like pouring dog food out of a can.” –Buck Ripsnort

“Rufus could still be a fae or another mythical creature that simply implanted its young into a human host, with embryonic Rufus eating the original fetus for nutrition. Never underestimate the potential horror hiding underneath this strip that has lived longer than nature or culture should allow.” –Philip

“Hi and Lois get sued after Fitch loses an eye trying to get to their garbage. Yes, today I went to Wikipedia to look up the names of the Flagston’s garbage men, a new low for me.” –nescio

“Going outside without shoes or slippers, is this a blatant attempt to get Hi an entry on Wikifeet?” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Yeah, we’ve got chess in the break room. Why do you ask? Wait, aren’t you the kid who innocently repeats his parents’ insults? Does your dad think we’re dumb because we work at a lumber yard, or a Home Depot, or wherever this is? Let’s talk to him about that, shall we?” –Anonymous

“My wife had trigger finger. I bet she’ll be really excited when I tell her that Rex Morgan M.D. is featuring HER problem, only in the comic strip it’s being suffered by a secondary character, who’s this old guy who plays country music and usually spends a lot of time sitting in a diner I think harassing the waitress but he’s spent the last few weeks instead just sitting on a bench talking to random strangers and … you know what? I’ll keep it to myself.” –Briane Pagel

“I can’t fatally overdose on C-Span, you idiot!” –TheDiva

“I like the dense grey fog that seems to be surrounding home plate, as if they’re playing on the highland moors.” –pugfuggly

“I didn’t recognize the beautifully drawn umpire’s uniform, and just assumed Dennis was just haranguing the local mailman with demented conspiracy theories. Mr. Wilson used to be a USPS employee, and I’m sure he’s filled Dennis’s head with all kinds of dark murmurings about how he never got promoted because the Post Office is full of Commies and Freemasons.” –Schroduck

“So there’s this guy, see, who always wears the same clothes with one big button in the middle. No one ever sees him without it. Even his wife! He tells her, he tells people, you can never unfasten this button. And she wonders. She lies awake next to him at night, looking at the button, touching the button, obsessing about the button. One dark night, as he’s asleep in a sandwich coma — what? oh, he likes sandwiches, really big ones, and they put him to sleep, like a snake, look, that’s really not critical to the story and … well, I thought it added color … fine, she undoes the button and his clothes and skin slough off into a heap revealing a welter of undigested food around a black hungry maw that never stops chewing, happy? You ruined it. Fuck off.” –Voshkod

“Crap, crap, crap. I overslept this morning and don’t have time to make a proper joke. Fortunately, so did the writing team at Shoe, it seems.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV