Archive: metaposts

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What’s that comin’ round the bend? Why, it’s your COTW!

“Even for this strip, the LEGACY TRILOGY logo written in Lisa’s blood is a little too on-brand, no?” –pastordan

And right behind it? Why, it’s a whole posse of runners up!

“[Mary] keeps a cool head, even as she watches Wilbur drunkenly enter a shoving match with the alpha male of one of Santa Royale’s famous sea lion colonies.” –Alex DeSteve Allen Inventor Of The Porg, on Twitter

Konga was released in 1961. Did the animapocalypse take place and I missed it? (I haven’t been keeping up on the news lately.)” –Pozzo

“‘I know Milton was as much a friend as a boss and you got on well with Heather to the extent she basically gave you this house, so I need to ask how his death’s affecting you?’ ‘You mean, will I still have this house?’ ‘Obviously. What else would I mean?’” –Horace Boon

“I like how MJ’s first step in her disguise is make herself cross-eyed. ‘Ha, they’ll never recognize me now!’ she says as she crashes into the pier.” –pugfuggly

“No one has ever been as pissed off about having to get a cab as Mark Trail is right there. ‘I wanted to rent a car but Big Government says I can’t have a license anymore because I’ve made too many vehicles explode. Many of those weren’t even my fault!’” –Aphthakid

“Get out of here with that ridiculous-looking dance craze from the 1970s — I’m busy with my ridiculous-looking exercise craze from the 1990s!” –BigTed

“It’s not a heart, it’s a Cardioid, because math broke my heart. It was a stormy day in Bletchly Park and the Jerry U-boats were decimating our convoys. Poor old Alan Turing was working on the Enigma cipher by day, and trying to unlock his love for me at night … [Two hours pass] … so I punched him, right there in Stockholm, in front of the Queen and King. ‘Feynman, you son of a bitch,’ I snarled, ‘you can play loose with me and my girl, but you cannot take quantum electrodynamics from me.’ That bastard stood up, straightened his tie, kissed my wife, and said ‘I already did, Louis.’ [Three hours pass] But I hung up my slide rule in ’86, when those swine at IMU gave the Fields Medal to Freedman for his work on four-manifolds while ignoring my breakthrough on Yang-Mills. I knew Freedman was sleeping with half the panel. Anyway, then I bought this place and started making chili for idiots like you. That answer your question?” –Voshkod

“You FORGOT that Green Hornet had a gas gun? That’s his whole shtick. That’s like forgetting that Batman has Bat-themed gadgetry or that Superman can fly or that Dick Tracy’s grotesque rogues with literal nicknames usually have gruesome, violent deaths.” –Frank B. Chavez III, on Facebook

“No matter how hard I try, I can’t see those grawlices as representing anything but voluminous farting. The air is thick with them!” –Peanut Gallery

“I’m going to assume shirtless white guys with tattered pants don’t stand out in Florida.” –Kevin Keeney, on Facebook

“‘You’re a failure, I am a failure! Let’s pool our efforts together.’ This is perfectly in the spirit of the Amazing Spider-Man.” –Ettore

Two shirtless men, a woman fixing her Sharon Stone hair, and an underdecorated, indistinct set? I realize Spider-Man: Homecoming left itself open to some pretty obvious porn parodies but this is egregious.” –Bunivasal

Scheduling disappointments are, based on my last visit to the urologist, the most realistic medical crisis shown in Rex Morgan, M.D., to date.” –Where’s Rocky

“I forget what the Snuffy Smith baby‘s name is? Here goes:

  • Porkpie
  • Honker Junior
  • Tipsy
  • Lil’ Feedbag
  • Lil’ Snuff Stuff
  • Hambone
  • Pickle Truckle
  • Cornpone
  • Bumble Gump
  • Underbreeches Jones
  • Ol’ Baby
  • Chuggs”

–Jack Pickert, on Twitter

“No, Mary! You’re pulling the ripcord on your murder-disguised-as-suicide-plan too soon! Wilbur isn’t quite drunk enough to think the cliff side is your car! You need to pick up his unfinished bottle of liquor and goad him into downing it all first. Maybe make a comment about how you hope he hasn’t given up on this the way everyone in his life has given up on him. Look, you’re a creative woman full of platitudes. I’m sure you can do this.” –Lionheart

“This might be cute if they were referring to the puzzle being too challenging for a baby, but no. The Holler never stopped grading meat using numbers (‘grade A beef’ was a flatlander invention to incorporate post-Upton Sinclair improvements to the food industry). Loweezy knows that cerebral activity is a leisure that fattens no frame, thus wasting the valuable bulking period between now and when Tater is presented at table, presumably with taters.” –Hopester

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Hey all! TONIGHT, the Internet Read Aloud, my free monthly comedy show in Los Angeles, returns to the stage in Los Angeles and is free! We’ve got a great lineup, and, I’m just going gently whisper, “a special robot guest star.” Here’s the Facebook event!

AND, as a certified Internet expert, I’ve officially determined that this whole “Facebook” business is “here to stay,” so I made a standalone Facebook page for not just this month’s show but the show as, like, an abstract concept. Please “like,” “share,” and “enjoy” if you want updates on future shows and random Internet-themed jokes over the course of the month!

And now, with that out of the way: it’s time for the comment of the week, y’all:

“If this storyline doesn’t wind up with Wilbur shooting a stranger on a beach, that Camus quote will have been wasted.” –Truckosaurus

The runners up are similarly hilarious!

And my shower radio doesn’t work! Now the soundtrack to my showers, and my life, is the sound of my own heaving sobs!” –Roto13

“Seeing that everyone is in their underwear, at least it’s a fair fight.” –Rusty

“Noooo! If I don’t take my pills I turn into a decent human being!” –Peanut Gallery

“What I love about Ed Crankshaft is his stubborn refusal to learn from his mistakes. It’s not his fault that his whip-the-open-pill-bottle-towards-your-flat-palm method results on so much spilled medication. It’s the useless doctors never giving him enough extra to cover his losses and the darned interior decorator that put the refrigerator too close to his pill-taking spot.” –jroggs

“The Flagstons’ attempt to become one of the happy Italian-ish families in an Olive Garden commercial has only made them more miserable. Maybe it’s because Dad is ‘home from work’ (i.e., probably fired) at 4 p.m.” –BigTed

“All I can think about is how large and spacious those aircraft seats look. Forget First Class; nature magazine writers fly Zeroth Class!” –JJ48

“Dennis would prefer to hunt live prey, sink his fangs into the living, wriggling bodies, hearing their spines snap against the force of his jaws, and taste their still-warm, spilling blood… or he can just finish his plate of chocolate chip cookies that he’s having for dinner.” –Hogenmogen

“Marvin’s production of The Lion King was not well received. Reviews ranged from ‘A tepid interpretation’ to ‘unspeakably offensive.’ All audiences agreed, the increased scatological content was a serious misstep.” –Dan

“Oh, Dennis, you need to focus on the true existential horror: that all of us are a collective of billions upon billions of small animal lives and any sense of self you have is an illusion that evolved to ensure their survival and reproduction. Amateur.” –Dread

“Aside from the hairstyle the girl Rusty is speaking to looks exactly like his mother, which, aside from the Oedipal overtones, makes sense since she’s the only person in Rusty’s life who actually spends any time with him.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Dear Pete: You’re being a little ambiguous. I suggest that sentence should read: ‘Comic shop owner Rusty Staples was working late in his comic shop, when a wall of water smashed into the comic shop that he owned, where he was working late, with comics.’ You’re welcome.” –Tom the Sailor Man

“Mopey Pete hasn’t come up with an origin story for a character, this is just how his friend Rusty died. He looks excited when telling the story because he’s the only person Pete knew who didn’t die from cancer.” –Rosstifer

“Hagar isn’t the least bit curious about why his wife is talking to Lucky Eddie about ‘the way to a man’s heart’? I’d be curious.” –Joe Blevins

“‘Where’s Wilbur?’: a question nobody else has ever asked or wanted the answer to.” –Ekudamram

“They say that comic strips are always years late to topical events, but this Mary Worth storyline is perfectly on time for ‘sympathy for incels week’ among serious journalists.” –Ettore Costa, on Twitter

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Hey all! One week from tonight the Internet Read Aloud, my free monthly comedy show in Los Angeles, returns to the stage in Los Angeles and is free! We’ve got a great lineup, and, I’m just going gently whisper, “a special robot guest star.” Here’s the Facebook event!

And here’s the comment of the week! Very funny!

“Sometimes I wish I had a real dad instead of one of those buttons you push in museums to ‘Learn More.’” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

And here are the very funny runners up!

“An intimate dinner where your bowl of milk is seasoned only with the flavour of Leroy’s breath.” –Rhody Tobin, on Facebook

“Slylock Fox here to enforce his biggest concern: the Fair Packaging and Labeling Act of 1967.” –Windier E. Megatons, on Twitter

“Too little too late, Dennis. The ICBMs are already detonating on the horizon. Recycling a glass bottle once a day won’t mean anything when nuclear winter takes hold.” –jroggs

None of these ingredients are real, unlike talking animals who engage in customer fraud.” –Erez

“Clearly this query about the possible diminution of the auditory capabilities of Roy Rogers’s horse is not merely a rhetorical question or the subject of idle speculation on the part of this plugger — we see from the sofa’s end table that he’s already pulled out three volumes of The World Book Encyclopedia to read up on ‘Horses,’ ‘Deafness,’ and ‘Movie Sound Tracks.’ The man has done some research, is what I’m saying.” –seismic-2

“So I ate the parrot and spit up his remains in a ball.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“If a plugger with a lousy memory keeps telling the same joke to a plugger with lousy hearing, does either one notice? Plus, if neither of them can see anything through his tiny glasses, do they even know the other one is there? And with a steady diet of diner coffee and stale pie, in a few years will any of this even matter? Sometimes plugger life seems very, very sad.” –BigTed

“Somehow this brain teaser is familiar: Spidey needs to get JJJ, Banner, and Connors to the other side of the swamp, but he can only tuck two of them under his arms at a time. If he leaves JJJ and Connors alone together, JJJ will reveal Connors’ true identity. If he leaves Connors and Banner alone at the same time, there will be another blood transfusion, with bad consequences for all involved. How does Spidey get all three across the swamp?” –DAS

“There are many advantages to not reading Funky Winkerbean. Today’s is that with no concept of who these people are or what’s going on in the plot, I can pretend that they have been imprisoned in an unfurnished room with hardwood floors, empty picture frames, and bars on the windows where society will never have to think of them again. This is a marked improvement over the traditional Funky Winkerbean punishment, in which people die of cancer and everyone else has to think of them in perpetuity.” –Drew Funk

“Is finding out that Prime Negatron is named after a cut of meat really such a disappointing origin, compared to the more probable truth that he’s a calculated rip off of someone else’s intellectual property?” –pachoo

“Pluggers don’t use them high-tech dryer machines. No, sir. They’re connected to the internet these days, and sure as heck I ain’t lettin’ no Mr. Putin know what panties my wife’s wearin’. I’ll hang ’em on a line in the yard fer th’ neighbors t’ see.” –Hogenmogen

Now I see why you’re so good at fairy tales. Your mastery of the morphology of folk tales, such as the Aarne-Thompson Index, and your ability to force someone into them, is truly terrifying. The way you destroyed the IRS audit team by feeding them to the ogre in the castle (AT 1160), and the way you sent the Director of the IRS over a bridge to another world (AT 471), have taught me the meaning of fear (AT 326). Please, now, I’ve finished your taxes, no charge, please don’t let me be swallowed by a fish (AT 1889G) or kill me five times (AT 1537).” –Voshkod

“Now that there are two suns, the Flagstons are really going to regret paving the inside of their house.” –Joe Blevins

“This is not the first time I’ve wondered about the people who send suggestions in to Pluggers. What was Nancy Shue thinking that fateful day when she came up with her idea? Did she tell anyone about it? ‘Hey, you know what would make a great gag for Pluggers? You know, that thing in the newspaper with the animal-people? Yes, it’s called Pluggers. Yes, I read it.’” –Randy

“Mark Trail sure looks excited to be watching a plane crash.” –Schroduck

“I don’t hear him, Henry, so he’s probably gone and best forgotten. [keeps filling in boy-sized hole]” –pugfuggly

“I love Mayan temples, Rusty! All those arrogant buildings, made by cutting stone and ravishing the forest — they stood so proud, like a scar on the skin of Mother Earth. Then human civilisation fell, human beings exterminated like bugs and nature retook what was hers. Now these ruins mock human arrogance! One day the entire world will be like this, Rusty, and it won’t be too soon!” –Ettore

“I’m glad to see Gil Thorp returning to its roots, which as years of this site have taught me are giant hands taking up disproportionate amounts of panel space.” –Dragon of Life

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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