Archive: metaposts

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HEY Y’ALL, if you’re in Los Angeles tonight, you should come to my cool-as-heck Internet-based comedy show at 8 pm at the Clubhouse in Los Feliz! There’s a MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE you will enjoy every last second (note: show is free to attend).

Here’s the Facebook event, which includes information on where and when the show is, even though I just told you those details above!

Anyway, for those of you stuck at home, you should enjoy this comment of the week instead of the live comedy stylings of me and my friends!

“To write their dialogue, both Snuffy Smith and Gasoline Alley deploy a form of AI called a ‘Reural Network’ which has come closer and closer over time to generating recognizably rustic human language. It’s mule-powered, I’m told.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

The runners up: also extremely funny!

“Just wait until Zak puts on a pair of glasses.” –Liam

“You can tell Iris has been prepping to hang out with younger folks, because she just broke out, ‘I know, right?’” –Pozzo

“In a strip rich with fun details (I personally like the fact that there’s not one, but two bald guys in the same phone line, giving me a chance to quote Rodney Dangerfield: ‘Heh, why don’t you two put your heads together and make an ass of yourselves?’), the best is the fact that the henchman feels he has to cover his mouth when bringing The Rat’s Ex-Partner in Crime news of what some guy in prison said. Maybe he’s afraid that the bikini-ed gun moll on the next lounge chair might be a rat herself. If so, he might want to stop her from taking pictures all over the place.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“The Rolling Stones trademark tongue is finally showing its age.” –made of wince

“April is hardening herself for the rigors of prison life by staring at that photograph of her ugly baby as long as she can every day. She made it to 90 seconds today — a new record! Compared to that, the sight of someone bleeding out on the cafeteria line because you wanted their fruit cup is easy.” –stepped pyramids

“Snuffy’s look of delight has nothing to do with how cute Tater is or amusement of seeing a baby dressed up like him, but has everything to do with the fact that now he has an alibi for anything he wants.” –K. Ivan Ruppert

“Listen, you poor pathetic child, you think Luann is the most exciting person in your life, so you are in no position to diss Kansas.” –Poteet [FUN FACT FROM JOSH: I stopped reading Luann several years ago and it has been incredibly freeing, so I have no clue about this context for this, but it made me laugh like a hyena]

“Ha ha, get it? Sometimes marriages end because of untimely death, and other times because of divorce! One way or another, you’re probably going to die alone, miserable, and probably bald.” –pugfuggly

“So, Walker’s Table is the famous cannibal smorgasbord restaurant? Who’s on Walker’s Table? Well, today we have squatters, sautéed with capers and lemon; hippies, marinated in patchouli and their own filth; spicy revolutionary croquettes; artistic-type sausages (no, don’t ask which types, or which parts, we use); all white bean militia chili; prepper-pepper-poppers; trekkie pate; tiny-house gingerbread people; slow-smoked off-gridders, and a salad of greens.” –Voshkod

“The people behind this guy in line are right to stare. He’s gonna be on the news. Soon. And not for anything good. ‘Authorities say the suspect’s home was wallpapered with pages from the works of local author and teacher Les Moore. Certain passages from these books were circled in lipstick. As a precaution, Moore has also been apprehended and is undergoing extensive questioning.’” –Joe Blevins

“It is an emergency situation. Every second is important. I must avoid all contractions and speak each word with its full value.” –grsblvnyk

“‘Do you know what you want?’ Zak says looking at the Entrees menu, meaning he is asking about food. ‘Yes,’ Iris says, looking at the dessert menu, meaning she is already picturing licking hot fudge off of her lover’s abs. It’s the little details that make the difference, people.” –Dread

“Sneaky Uncle was up all night greasing the football field; thank goodness it paid off.” –Ukulele Ike

“Maybe he wants liquor because the storyline shattered his fourth wall and now he’s aware of how infinitesimally tiny and irrelevant he really is, even in the infinitesimally tiny and irrelevant real world. Not only a fictional character but a fictional character no-one cares about, in a newspaper comic no-one cares about, that only runs for three panels a day anyway, in a handful of papers in a single nation of an unremarkable planet circling a third-rate sun, one of hundreds of billions of stars making up a downright average galaxy spinning alone with trillions of others for no apparent reason through the nonsensical blackness of creation. I’d want liquor.” –Applemask

“Why worry about it? You’re a chicken, so what counts is your own expiration date stamp.” –seismic-2

“Pluggers prefer past food to fast food.” –Dood

“They’re just codenames. Zakik’s Game: a Bitcoin-powered ransomware virus that devastated the economy of Eastern Europe. Zakik’s Studio: The FSB cell that recruited/blackmailed him to re-code it and take down the California power grid (hence the darkness).” –Schroduck

“You know what? I hope that this Zak thing is for real, he’s actually got it together now, and the game continues to be successful, and he can keep taking Iris to restaurants with valet parking (the height of luxury!). I hope they rekindle their romance and it blossoms into a thriving, long-term May-December romance for the ages. That will make Wilbur’s eventual 2-year laborious, back-breaking journey (as a hiker/stowaway/indentured servant/pirate captive) back from paradise after all his money/kidneys were stolen and he was left for dead in an abandoned dance studio that much sweeter. That’s right, I’m shipping Zak and Iris, who by any other metric would be a stupid/boring couple. I call it the Wilbur Effect.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“You see Iris, the kids these days want you to ‘hit them up on Kik.’ Hang on, this pamphlet, ‘So You’re Banging a Millennial,’ might help.” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Y’all, we’re one week out from the first Friday of the month, which means it’s time for me to bug you about next week’s Internet Read Aloud! Tell me you’re going on Facebook, which constitutes a legally binding contract!

Then, after that, enjoy this comment of the week!

“Damn right it cures rebellion! Based on the picture in his office, the doctor is a supporter of William V, Prince of Orange. Long live the Stadtholder!” –KMD

Then enjoy these runners up!

“Can’t believe the pluggers just carjacked the Popemobile. They’ve gone too far this time.” –Schroduck

“If Corey isn’t the child of the ex nut job, and not the child of Pink Hair here, where did he come from? I stand by my theory that his dad was cloned, for some unknown reason.” –Rusty

“I’ve noticed the real and imaginary versions of Wilbur have his combover firmly in place while his girlfriend’s hair is blowing around. I wondered what hair products he uses but he’s probably just sticky.”
–nescio

“Ha ha, it’s funny because Iris is studying the long, sordid tale of U.S. domination of Latin America! Panama won’t be the last worm-like appendage separated from Colombia, if you catch my drift.” –pastordan

Greg Wilkins is the only one who looks truly happy to be going on his comic strip beat. ‘Ah, another day of child abuse and Big Tobacco kick-backs,’ he thinks.” –TheDiva

“Like so many dreams, Homer’s and Mario’s fantasy of having sex in a crowded subway car proved to be better in their minds than in real life.” –Nekrotzar

“If the bank robbers in today’s Mark Trail could afford a spiffy twin-engine prop plane, why are they robbing banks? And if they robbed the bank to afford the plane, I can tell you they did not steal enough for fuel, upkeep, and hanger fees. Stupid, stupid bank robbers.” –Voshkod

“Of course Dennis laughs with malice. It’s just the sort of thing he used to do when he was a babe. But look at the fact that he’s standing on an Ottoman. He’s the same size as the toddler. Menace as you wish, but suffer the consequences for life, young man.” –Hogenmogen

“Alice joins in with graceful vengeance and all four facial expressions in panel two are gold. If only Dennis’ punishing, Crankshaft-caliber ‘derailed’ punchline had been left as white space, this would have been awesome. And what’s more menacing than casual self-sabotage?” –Davey Compson

“There was no genie so there will be no irony in the granting of the wish, but Ditto will still discover there’s a catch years from now when he has diabetes.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

‘Genies help those who help themselves’ is kind of an odd theology, and sounds like something that will be a part of a long rambling statement adult Ditto will give against his lawyer’s advice.” –pugfuggly

“I’m really hoping we will see at least a year of Wilbur and Iris dumping each other for more desirable partners, getting dumped in turn, and crawling back to settle for each other.” –Lorne

“The Keanes take their kids to a GP. That stands for ‘Gepetto from Pinocchio.’” –Joe Blevins

“All y’all are missing the significance of the picture. That is an American colonist without a rifle. That MMR (the ‘MM’ is for ‘Minutemen’) shot traveled back in time and disarmed the colonies’ militias. Dr. Mustache works for the National Health Service now.” –matt w

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Hey guys! Here’s today’s comment of the week — a week that, I think it goes without saying, progressed from Monday through Friday in the ordinary sequence that we all know and love!

“Isn’t a key premise of Dennis the Menace that Mr. Wilson would have a quiet, idyllic suburban life, if not for his rambunctious neighbor? Well, Dennis is right next to him, sitting quietly as Mr. Wilson stares out at his own lawn. What exactly is spurring this stony contempt for the hurly-burly of modern life? Did somebody give Joey a cell phone or something? Is Mr. Wilson shooting that brutal look at Joey as he just sits calmly on the lawn playing Minecraft? Because fuck you, Joey. [sips coffee] Fuck you.” –Dan

And here are the runners up! Obviously none of the ones about Friday’s comics were posted several days ago. Like, how would that even work?

“I was curious enough about today’s pop-philosophical quote to look up ‘Javan’ on the internet. Apparently he’s a poet who went by his middle name and had some books published in the ’80s, but still isn’t famous enough to have his own Wikipedia mention (unlike, say, Welsh rugby player Javan Sebastian, English ‘footballer’ Javan Vidal, or Javan, the character on the 2011 version of ThunderCats whose kin was afflicted with a plague). Sometimes I wonder if the Mary Worth folks are just browsing BrainyQuotes.com every Sunday, but then I think to myself, ‘Yes, of course they are.’” –BigTed

“Since Mindy is an antiques dealer in what is purportedly the 21st century, it seems like she’d have done some business with online auction sites herself. I don’t really think she’d need to ask Buck how they work, unless mansplaining is part of their foreplay.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“The Sofia Vegara/Danny DeVito sexy cosplay you ordered is both sexier and more disturbing than you dreamed.” –Andrew DevilHorns, on Twitter

“I love the look on the barber’s face that seems to suggest that the kid is asking for some rare extravagance that those who can afford it might have in their homes, but in a barber shop? No way! Especially not if after this is over your mom hands me another 50¢ piece and no tip. Sure, by 1980, when we’re all taking weekend vacations to the Moon and the safe cigarette has been perfected, there might be TV sets in every business and every room of the house, but until those 30 years pass, let’s deal with the present day as it is, shall we?” –Larry McAwful

“That bikini color, a cross between mauve and beige, does absolutely nothing for Fabiana. Her attraction to Wilbur makes a lot more sense if she has absolutely no taste, and even more sense if it turns out she’s blind.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“If it’s on the internet, it’s true. Sorry kid. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to read about this one strange trick to lose weight.” –Bryan J. Simmons, on Facebook

“Coach, I have four questions: How should I prepare my hashbrowns? What does the Prom Committee do? Should I rent or own a timepiece? Can you help me deliver this refrigerator to the Johnson’s?” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“There’s a sad subtext in today’s RMMD, in which the vibrant, fresh-faced youngster looks upon his doughy, deskbound dad and can’t help but think, ‘So THAT’s what I’m going to look like in 25 years.’ His plaintive ‘What’s the deal, dad?’ may be overtly about comix forgery, but beneath is an existential question about faulty genes and the anti-Darwinian course of civilized human evolution.” –jvwalt

“One more week of Rex Morgan, M.D. strips about this and I am going to buy art forgeries out of spite.” –Ettorre

“I’m not so sure I like this North American Air Command, a place where grizzled, hardworking, mustached men can have their work — and, by extension, their very sanity — questioned by weak, callow, non-mustached men. Tell me, Captain Peachfuzz, have you ever field stripped a rifle blindfolded? Been forced to shoot a beloved family dog? Broken a woman’s heart? That’s what I thought. So why don’t you go back to playing hopscotch and leave the bogey spotting to the men?” –Joe Blevins

“Cut! There’s a goddamn mic in the panel two shot! Is that your boom mic, Bruce? Is it? You’re fired. Get the hell out. And you two. Look, Blondie, you just got a nice gift from an old man you made happy. Maybe try happy as an emotion? Not joy, but wistful happiness? Is that in your goddamn repertoire? And you, Noseboy, does the script say ‘jealousy?’ Does it say ‘greed?’ It does not. It says ‘joshing,’ do you know what that means? You’re happy for a friend — you have friends, right, Nostril? You’re being buddy-buddy, not green-eyed monster. Christ, who writes this crap anyway? OK, someone get me a coffee and a danish, and let’s start this over. Take 65, and go!” –Voshkod

“If you’re going after the fleeing, unarmed blonde, while leaving the heavily-armed psychopath to your partner, maybe you’re not the one who needs to be shouting ‘Cover me!’” –Pozzo

“This Sunday’s Mark Trail will cover the importance of posture and standing upright to prevent lower back injury as you hunt and track the Most Dangerous Game of all.” –Dread

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