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I hope you will have a little patience before we get to this week’s COTW. I’ve been meaning for some time to share with you a fascinating item I received in the mail from faithful reader loudfan, and have only today gotten around to making some scans of. Behold, the glory and majesty of Mark Trail’s ® Book Of Animals (North American Mammals)!

The book was published in 1955 and written by Ed Dodd, Jack Elrod’s predecessor at the helm of all things Trail. It’s essentially like a Sunday strip, in book form, with Mark only making a single cameo appearance on the title page:

He sure looks pleased, doesn’t he? I wonder what’s in that pipe.

Anyway, the book contains lots of information on — and pretty nice black and white drawings of — animals (North American mammals). Here’s an example, selected particularly for faithful reader and goat fan True Fable:

As you can see, Mark Trail has never been shy about proclaiming the hard truths in life, using boldface to blow tiny little minds everywhere with information about the mountain goat’s non-goat status.

Humans are actually pretty scarce in the pages of this book, but this appearance of an elderly foppish cowboy is particularly amusing:

Wait, are there people who seriously accuse mountain lions of cowardice just because they don’t want to get shot? Who on earth could this page be defending their reputation from?

Maybe from wolverines, who, when confronted with the incursion of armed humans into their territory, respond not by skulking deeper into the woods, mountain lion-style, but by arming themselves. WOLVERINES!

Finally, you can see that this feature’s fascination with dog vs. raccoon fights has deep roots:

Oh, and Mark, maybe raccoons wash their food because dirty food is gross. This page tells me more than I ever wanted to know about dinnertime at the Trail household.

In totally unrelated news, here’s a tidbit from faithful reader RaJ:

I apologize for bringing this to your attention. I do it only because I thought it might shed some light on the obviously troubled Keane family. It’s a picture of Jeff, in hideous drag, pummeling some poor man to death.

If that linked sentence entices you, you’ll want to click forward to the 11th picture in the gallery (there’s no way to link to it directly, which is probably just as well).

And now! At long last! The comment of the week!

“Reeky regularly watches COPS; it’s like Facebook for his kind.” –gnemec

And the runners-up! Also funny!

“I’m fastidious enough to be a little concerned about Luann spilling her glass of soda in panel 3, but I suppose it’ll just end up mixed into the big puddle of Brad’s insecurity that’s already sloshing around the linoleum.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Dagwood’s candidate is Lyndon LaRouche, who will have lunch with anyone. I assume Dagwood was buying.” –Jana C.H.

“My god, when did Mary Worth become the abode of the undead? Mary, the funeral make-up still fresh on her face, gazes blankly as Jeff vainly struggles to remember the taste of food. Soon they will lurch out into the sunlight, their unsolicited advice an ungodly gurgle in their throats, forcing Toby to shotgun them both.” –Idols of Mud

“Watching a sailboat race: boring. Watching boring people who are watching a sailboat race: thrilling excitement, Rex Morgan Style!!!” –ring around the collar

“I think that by making a sailboat race part of the plot, Rex Morgan, M.D., has joined the worldwide hunt for something less interesting than Rex Morgan, M.D. I wouldn’t be surprised if this week ends with Rex explaining the difference between different types of knots and how that knowledge helped him win.” –ESJ

“The best thing about today’s Mary Worth is how the colorist gave up on filling in half the background. It’s as if he thought, ‘Eh, who needs green trees or a colored table cloth when Mary Worth’s just going to suck the life out of them anyway?'” –kelsy

“The seemingly metal pizza pan bothers me. Is Thel trying to set her house on fire? Actually … she probably is. I would if I were her.” –Angry Kem

“Mark knows that women are only interested in one thing; he just doesn’t know what it is.” –boojum

“Daddy Keane has thrown himself diagonally across the bed, burying his face in a pillow in the classic posture of one overwhelmed by grief. I wish I knew what tragic event in the Keane household brought this on. So I could imagine it happening, over and over again in my mind.” –Joe Btfsplk

“I know you all have been hating on Big Time as something of an underwhelming villain, and not without reason. But today’s strip shows that he’s not just a large man who likes clocks. He’s a criminal mastermind! Parking the truck near, but not too near the rear door of the museum? Genius! Because if the truck were too far away, then they’d have to carry the loot all the way to the truck, which would take longer. But if the truck’s too close, then they couldn’t get the door open. It’s thinking through details like this that make Big Time a foe to be reckoned with.” –Spunde

“I like that Peter Parker is a regular ‘Joe Six-Pack/Plumber’ like me. Not at all like that elitist Jamaal who uses a ‘bed’ to sleep.” –Red Greenback

“Uh, Peter, if you’re losing consciousness and gripping your left arm, you aren’t falling asleep, you’re having a heart attack. So much for spidey sense.” –Bribaby

“Perhaps at some point she hobbled him a là the film Misery.” –Calico, on why Dr. Jeff now has a cane

“If Margo’s talking tears, they’re someone else’s, brought on by their sweet, sweet humiliation.” –willethompson

“I’m not an avid enough reader of Gil Thorp to know who Dr. Wally Lamb is but I assume he’s the strip’s resident mad scientist based on (A) the fact that he’s wearing a lab coat and glasses, and (B) in panel 2 he appears to have shrunk himself to about 6 inches tall. Judging by the total lack of surprise on his wife’s face, this happens all the time.” –Rachel K

“Luann is steadily becoming a race to see which couple will not have sex first.” –Anonymous

“Don’t hold your breath for diversity in this comic. There aren’t even any characters with brown eyes.” –Charlene, on the prospects of a gay character in Mary Worth

“Of course pluggers don’t have flowers. They can barely care for themselves.” –tj

Unlike the mountain lions, many were brave enough to put money in my tip jar! And our advertisers are as formidable as a wolverine:

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No beating around the bush today! Right to the COTW!

“I am just plain icked out by the direction Luann has been taking over the last couple of weeks. It appears to be morphing into what essentially amounts to the softest-core porn ever. It’s like porn for children in the fifties.” –Violet

And the runners up! Another very strong week this week…

“I also notice [that Mary] did NOT say, ‘As I live and breathe.’ This is because Mary Worth is a ghoul who neither lives nor breathes. I assume this comes as a shock to no one.” –Donald The Anarchist

“Oh, how I wish I’d waited until morning to view this post! Now I have to contend with ‘Wonder Mary’ all night long. And I was hoping to masturbate tonight, damn it!” –cheech wizard

“Maria appears not to be eating but rather to be pulling, with a dinner fork, an alien parasite from her esophageal tract. I’m surely mistaken, because that would be exciting, and this is Spider-Man.” –Beatrice

“Someone earned a salary this week by reading Herb and Jamaal before publication and then inserting the words ‘to sleep’ into the first panel to ensure nothing indecent could be construed out of it. That person probably got a loan to buy a $500,000 house. The risk on that loan was repackaged into credit default swaps multiple times and sold to multiple different financial institutions. In case you are wondering, that is how I will explain the current economic crisis to anyone who asks from now on.” –DaveyK

“I dunno, I think it’s kind of surreally adorable. I like to think that between panels one and two she unhinged her jaw and swallowed that whole.” –commodorejohn, on Maria’s eating style

“Wow. I wonder if tomorrow’s installment will include Herb thinking, ‘Sitting on the toilet is the best place for crapping.'” –Dr. Pants

“I love Maria’s black lip gloss. Since it doesn’t seem to smear when you slather it with drawn butter, it’s perfect for the girl on the go.” –bitter law student

“Mark is going to see right through Sue’s intentions, just like we see through her terrible dye job. Honestly, Sue, did you forget you had eyebrows?” –Lithros

“It’s the psychic taint left by the hundreds of homicides that detective has investigated that is attracting Margo to him. Residual pain is like cologne to her.” –willieO

“WHY DON’T YOU TELL US AGAIN, MUCH MORE EMPHATICALLY, EXACTLY WHAT THE SITUATION IS AND HOW MARY WILL BE MEDDLING IN IT?” –Angry Kem

“I find myself seriously appreciating Matt’s hat — not so much because of the style, but because it allows me to distinguish him from all of the other characters in the strip, including the women.” –Honeypot

“Otto may be able to drink his water from a straw, but he probably still has to get up to go pee, while a more canny dog would have a deep chamber pot handy.” –docweasel

“Also, when was the last time any sentient being uttered the words ‘How about a hot date?’ My guess: approximately never.” –Skullturf Q. Beavispants

“I interpreted the head bobbing of Jeffy’s dad to be the onset of Parkinson’s. I’ll bet he’s wishing he used some of his own litter for their stem cells right about now.” –Bribaby

“Mr. Dithers is setting himself about one hunger attack away from meeting his end as part of an enormous sandwich.” –Djagir

“Elsewhere, Stan Lee kicks off another riveting week of Spider-Man non-action with a delightful bit of onomatopoeia. SLUDDDD: The sound made by a pompous cheap-suited Hitler lookalike being thrown across a restaurant floor by an unimposing fifth-tier villain dressed like a 1970s movie producer. Add it to your dictionaries, kids!” –Muddtallica

“Only in MW does ‘tout’ get used properly, instead of as some substitute for another word, much like the ‘flout/flaunt’ problem. This is because Mary and Jeff are sophisticated androids programmed with excellent grammar. Which would also explain their ‘romance’.” –CanuckDownSouth

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To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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This week’s fine comments of the week in a moment, but first, I have something very special to share with you all, courtesy of faithful reader mon-ma-tron, who designed the Aldomania logo and is part of the braintrust behind Raised by Squirrels. She writes:

The husband and I were at FallCon last weekend, in conjunction with visiting some old friends in St. Paul. There was a gallery section at the show, “Celebrating 60 Wonderful Years” of Wonder Woman. Lots of pinup illustrations from famous and not-so-famous comic book artists.

Including one by Joe Giella. His was one of the few in color (most were black and white), and the ONLY ONE not actually OF WONDER WOMAN.

For those of you who don’t know, Joe Giella, who is 80, had a long career as a comic book artist and inker before taking over the duties of drawing Mary Worth. It’s a not uncommon career trajectory, and when I contemplate an artist in his position, I often wonder to myself, “Is his heart really in it?” Well, mon-ma-tron has offered hard evidence that Joe Giella’s heart is very much in it.

So! Let’s move on, as if the world can ever be the same again after seeing that, and enjoy the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“He’s always taking things he’s not supposed to. Like clumps of my hair.” –Joe Blevins

And the runners up! Quite a collection, this week…

“Why is Brad so pissed off? His doughy body is all oiled up like he just rescued a box of terminally ill kittens from a flaming bathhouse on the Lower East Side and he’s holding an ax!” –AeroSquid

“So far the photo shoot in Luann is a little more reserved than I had hoped it would be … Brad’s just grumpy and shirtless. Still, it’s only Monday; hope springs eternal. Maybe by Friday he’ll be naked and really pissed off. Just the way I likes ’em.” –Bribaby

“This whole ragging on an museum exhibition of clocks for two days is just strange. Is Peter Parker some sort of art history purist who objects to the inclusion of decorative arts in museums? He’s probably more disappointed they don’t have an exhibition of televisions.” –steve

“It’s useless to lock Marmaduke out of the house. He’ll just phone for a lock service. Or maybe use the library computers to send for one via the Internet. He’s just that goddamn wacky.” –Muffaroo

“I believe Lu Ann, Tommie, and Ruby are still in the studio. A catfight of epic proportions cannot be far behind. Ruby is going to drop Haley like third-period French.” –boojum

“Pluggers do not move through life. Life does not move through pluggers. Pluggers sit, inert, while confusing and frightening and often nature-violating events occur around their sad man-animal hulks.” –Cranky

“So how did Genesis Corp. hurt Brace’s feelings? ‘We have reviewed your application for Director of Mad Scientists. Although your skills are impressive, we have no available positions for a person of your qualifications because Genesis is a rock band. We wish you success in your continued journey. Sincerely, Phil Collins.'” –Hogenmogen

“The storyline I really want to see now is Alan and Albert Pinkham Ryder ectoplasmically slugging it out over who gets to haunt the studio, before they settle into an after-life Odd Couple arrangement with hijinks.” –lesles

“So the guy has a thing for CLOCKS? Could any affectation be more boring? I say the villain o’ the month here should at least have a name we can have fun with, the snickerability quotient being inversely proportional to the lameness of the villain, a la The Shocker. How bout the Clocksucker? Too subtle?” –Uncle Ritzy Fritz

“Thank heavens that Ian is home. With Mary, all Toby could do was whine on the bench. Now, she has a bosom to cry on. A heaving bosom. A hairy, heaving bosom of arrogance and moral superiority. Scented with Chicago.” –Dingo

“You’re a plugger if you have made no effort whatsoever to keep pace with societal trends and norms, to the extent that you are befuddled and upset by what everyone else correctly regards as the reality of modern life. Oh look, I seem to have inadvertently written a caption for every Pluggers ever.” –Muddtallica

“Comparing Blondie to 1984 is especially apt, as that’s actually the last year a new Blondie strip was written.” –Lithros

“I don’t buy it. ‘I still respect you,’ I mean. Like Ian, or anyone, has ever respected Toby.” –Mac

“Listen up, Herb and Jamaal, if I wanted to see an expressionless round-headed character stare at the reader while thought-ballooning a lame joke awkwardly stretched over two panels with an ellipsis, I already have Garfield.” –Xenocrypt

“Oh brother lady, you don’t know. Sam Driver will keep his shirt on all right. You’d better believe it!” –Saluki

“The good news: A moronic storyline in MW ends! The bad news: A moronic storyline in MW begins.” –Mibbitmaker

“The past few weeks of Judge Parker have been like watching the main character from a 1950s industrial film (‘Vests Are For Everyone’ or ‘The Wonderful World Of Contract Negotiation’ or ‘Understanding Small Dogs’ or whatever) inexplicably starring in a Cinemax After Dark erotic thriller. Nearly every panel is fraught with potential for sexy adventure, but stolid old Sam just sits there in the living room between the hot detective in leather pants and the bikini-clad exotic dancer, wondering what all the fuss is about.” –Trilobite

“Despite the destruction of his jacket, shirt, and quite likely most of the muscle and skin on his forearm, it’s the loss of a perfectly good mustard stain that most upsets Dagwood.” –late2theparty

“So I guess Lisa’s Legacy is that she married a dumbass who waves around a box full of money and then leaves it unattended. My guess is that Funky stole the money as he is planning to use it to buy Les’ teenage daughter.” –Digger

“I can only assume that Maria’s dead, half-eaten lobster will manage to outwit Spider Man before this story arc is complete.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Dr. Jeff is back ! Yay! I can’t wait to see what humiliating position he will be put in this time. I can’t wait to root for him once again to get some balls and stand up for himself, only to be crushed under Mary’s iron, calcium-deficient fist; walk away defiantly, with his arms crossed, standing up to ‘the biddy,’ only to come crawling back, begging, on his knees, like a dog. It’s going to be so wacky!” –Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)

Huge thanks once again to everyone who’s put money in my tip jar! I’ve gotten my thank yous out to everyone who gave during the fundraiser … but some of your addresses bounced back! So if you haven’t heard back from me, that’s why!

Oh, and our advertisers must also get some thank-yous:

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• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.