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Oh, it’s true, it’s true *sob*. We are going to Italy for two weeks! I will be helped along by a couple of gifts from faithful readers: A Family Circus-themed Learning Italian video from faithful reader Bats :[, and, arriving by mail just yesterday, an Italian-language Andy Capp collection from faithful reader Mademoiselle Hepzibah (aka Emily Gordon of Emdashes fame). Now I’ll know how to be be an annoying little melonhead and a drunken working-class British lout in Italian! Anyway, it’s all very exciting and then I promise no more vacations until Christmas. (Note: promise may not apply to occasional long weekends.)

Anyway, the inimitable Uncle Lumpy will be filling in until my return July 1st-ish, but I wanted to offer you a gift before I left in the form of an EXTREMELY GREAT NEW COMIC you should be checking out online. The comic does not seem to have an actual name, but it is by Kate Beaton and it is extremely hilarious. You can check out her comics page or her LiveJournal, the latter of which has an RSS feed but also some non-comics stuff. Many people have sent me a link to one of her latest, which is about the meeting between Garfield the cat and President James Garfield that we’ve all dreamed of (naturally, it ends in blood). She does a lot of history comics that you’ll like if you’re a history nerd like me, including this one about the sack of Lindisfarne monastery or this one about James Monroe’s sexy butt. She is from the Canadian Maritimes, and also does cartoons about that.

And now, to the comment of the week, which will also be the comment of the next several weeks, since UL can not bring himself to stand in judgement above you all:

“I’m disappointed in Dick Tracy, which missed an opportunity to educate its young readers. Surely there’s some sort of grammatical exercise that can be worked out of the three-panel dialogue sequence: ‘I’m beginning to smell a rat!’ ‘I smell a rat!’ and then ideally, ‘I’m finished smelling the rat!’ Of course, the plan fails under the consideration that there are no young people anywhere reading Dick Tracy.” –shegotzen

And the runners-up!

“I was going to rip on Mommy’s housekeeping skills, but to be fair, Jeffy may have dropped the lollipop on the men’s room floor at the downtown bus station where his parents abandoned him.” –SpiffBereft

“Because Dr. Jeff only can read what Moy and Giella let him see based on the panel borders, he didn’t see that the actual text read: ‘The newly elected town councilman, Ron Amalfi, is enjoying an un-romantic dinner with a platonic friend at La Rosa restaurant. He and Mary Worth split the bill and were at their respective homes by 7:30 p.m. after a perfunctory handshake.'” –Frank Parsnip

“In Charterstoneland, ‘contrary one’ is a euphemism for ‘geriatric harlot.'” –Eats Shoots And Leaves

“Just for the record, ‘Socks Fifth Avenue’ is too close to ‘Broads-way’ for my prediction about the imminent stab-mugging NOT to come true. Here’s hoping it’s preceded by Crankshaft going to Fire Island and asking if he’s in Queens.” –Fat Charlie

“I seriously cannot wait to see how MW manages to make what ought to be a hilariously awesome storyline incredibly boring. It’s like watching a dread sorcerer practice their Dark Arts, only every time they start to summon the incubus, they stub their toe on their skull-shaped podium and have to stop and hop around, squealing in pain.” –Lu

“If I never see the word ‘stimulus’ in such close proximity to Jamaal’s oddly-shaped head again, it will be too soon.” –anthom

“Mary’s insistence that Ron is just a friend because they only had dinner together might stand a better chance of soothing Dr. Jeff’s jilted fury if their own relationship had ever involved anything other than having dinner together.” –Trilobite

“I don’t know much about doing drugs, but if getting high involves standing around in an art museum discussing startup capital, I’ll pass.” –AirForbes

“Also, is it it just me, or does the current Mary Worth plotline sink anyone else into gray and featureless despair? Jeff says ‘while we were on our break’ and my fingers twitch toward the wooden barbecue skewers. They would fit so nicely into my eyeballs. Yes, being blind is a bummer, but it would distract me from the spectacle of two geriatrics reliving my high-school days.” –Kate

“I just dread it when my boyfriend starts a conversation with ‘Aren’t you the contrary one?’ I mean I would, if it ever happened. To anyone. Ever.” –Emma

“Has anyone else noticed how disturbingly Aryan all of the Patterson children’s spouses and boyfriends are? It’s like this strip was taken over by a bunch of Nazi Youth. Really boring, prudish, self-absorbed Nazi Youth.” –Lez Patterson

I need to give extra big thanks to those who put a few bucks in the tip jar. And hey, I may be going on vacation, but our advertisers never do, so let’s give ’em a hand!

• Hip & Handmade!: Shana LOVES people who are independent thinking, unique, artistic, and never too old to have fun! Shop ShanaLogic.com for handmade jewelry, hot apparel, gear for guys, unusual plushes, and more!
• The secrets of the quest: The quest is under way. Some puzzles have been solved, but greater challenge lies ahead. Show resolve, and you could find great reward. $100,000 in treasure awaits. Join if you dare. Many will try. One will succeed.

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Monday night is COTW time ’round these parts, but I have a couple of items of possible interest to you before we get to that. First off is this awesome pic from faithful and very pregnant reader Jennifer, preparing to train her baby in the ways of Mark Trail by means of an Official Fist o’ Justice T-shirt!

Jennifer sent me this picture a couple of days ago, so for all I know she could be giving birth RIGHT NOW! Anyone in range of that Trailian fist, know this: When she says she wants the pain meds, you give her the pain meds. And once the kid’s arrived, don’t forget, Jennifer: there’s an infant version available!

Also! You may recall that a few days ago that Jamaal of Herb and Jamaal, in his litany of signs of his alienation from his fellow man, made passing reference to “no blog replies.” Faithful reader Mike Podgorski took this to the logical next step, and created A “Blog” About Things, in which Jamaal can finally find his voice. Sadly, there are very few comments as of yet, no doubt reinforcing the big lug’s self-loathing. Mike is also the man behind the Amazing Spider-Blog, which focuses on Spidey’s inane newspaper adventures; I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it here before, but it definitely deserves a look!

And now, without further ado — it’s COTW TIME!

“Poor Toby — wandering aimlessly around the Hotel California-like environs of Charterstone, sentenced to a pointless existence as a beard for her bear of a husband, deriving sad pleasure from meddling in the stilted courtship ritual of two senior citizens. I make it sound more interesting than it really is.” –trey le parc

This comment was painstakingly selected from our almost-as-funny finalists:

“This week’s Rex Morgan plot seems like the world’s most complicated teen-STD lesson. ‘You know, kids, every time you wrestle on a mat, it’s like you’re wrestling with everyone who’s ever wrestled on that mat before.'” –BigTed

“After Rex talks to the security guard, he meets June and Carol in the gym! I do not think that warrants exclamation marks! But we’re getting them anyway!” –Bootsy

“Alan is quite the foppish crackhead. ‘Now, to abscond with my purloined bills and beat a hasty path to the door of that rakish purveyor of contraband pharmaceuticals. My central nervous system shall be well and truly stimulated within the hour.'” –Ned Ryerson

“I’m willing to endure as many ‘Look at all the shoe stores — no wonder they call it Broads-way!’ and ‘There’s too many minorities!’ jokes as Batuik and Ayers can throw my way as long as this storyline holds the remote possibility of Crankshaft getting mugged. It will be a fitting end to his RAPIER WIT. Because he’ll be stabbed. Repeatedly.” –Fat Charlie

“Of course, Ron’s ‘good news’ is he’s re-evaluated his life thanks to Mary’s sage council and he’s getting back together with his ex. Now Mary gets to taste the bitter tea leaves of poetic justice, spritzed lightly with the acerbic lemon of irony.” –A Lemur

“I’ve finally figured out what Frank Bolle’s A3G artwork reminds me of: the illustrated emergency exit instructions you find in airplanes. No matter how dire the straits of the dope-addled junkie, he exhibits the vacant smile and pressed collar of a mannequin in a Macy’s catalog.” –minor flood

“I think Margo set the Wedding March to play when Tommie calls, with the dual purpose of cruelly mocking the hapless redhead and reassuring herself that she is not actually the MOST pathetic person in the universe.” –Violet

[In response to speculation that Margo wants to get married because her biological clock is ticking]: “Sadly, sperm shriek and kill themselves at the thought of entering Margo’s uterus and the horrible, naked, ringless egg that awaits them. The hardier ones actually refuse to leave their host, clinging to whatever they can, preferring the relatively merciful death by post-coital urination to the horrors that lie Over There.” –Paul1963

“‘Grassroots political activities’ = ExxonMobil astroturf campaign, from the looks of that haircut.” –BCist

“I suppose it’s a tired point, but Judge Parker should really be retitled Sexy People Doing Boring Things.” –Bunnë, Official Comic Execrator

“It would be the greatest thing ever should Grampa Jim pull a Farley at the Granthony-Lizardbreath nuptials. Which, of course, must go on while Deanna (who gets all the icky jobs, like being married to Michael) has to wheel the body out.” –Mac

And we must conclude by giving thanks to two very important groups: those who put some money in the tip jar, and our advertisers:

• Hip & Handmade!: Shana LOVES people who are independent thinking, unique, artistic, and never too old to have fun! Shop ShanaLogic.com for handmade jewelry, hot apparel, gear for guys, unusual plushes, and more!
• The secrets of the quest: The quest is under way. Some puzzles have been solved, but greater challenge lies ahead. Show resolve, and you could find great reward. $100,000 in treasure awaits. Join if you dare. Many will try. One will succeed.
• CAN’T ANYONE BEAT HIM: Michael Beaudoin wins $25,000 in [DELETED] contest. Now he’s at it again — going for a second win in Budget Rent a Car’s Flip for Budget $25,000 video contest! Tell us: IS HE UNSTOPPABLE?

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Sorry for the delay, all, but here is your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“It’s clear from their matching outfits: Jeff = Ted + Time – Dignity.” –Albert Camus

And the runners-up:

“Is Abby’s pose in the last panel of Judge Parker supposed to be a look of horrified shock? Or is she just desperately, fiendishly sucking the last lingering molecules of chocolate-flavored THC from her fingers, as befits a newly-minted drug addict?” –mojo

“I’m pretty excited that the Crank is doing whippets while driving. That can only lead to something great.” –EFR

“Is this Mary Worth in a nutshell or what? ‘I went all the way to Vietnam for you, you owe me! Now, get out while I go visit with another man.'” –Mac

“Buxley is a civilian employee; that would be the other reason why she gets dates and not Lt. Blips — the fraternization rules don’t apply. Well, and the boobs.” –Nil Zed

“I’m actually enjoying these cats [in Gasoline Alley], BTW. They’re not nearly as disturbing as the usual lineup of pixies with blank, soulless eyes.” –cheech wizard

“Um, Mister Jameson? You know she can’t see or hear you, right?” –Thinks He’s Brenda Starr

“That fancy two-panels-in-one trick in Sally Forth makes it appear that Ted and Sally are discussing family planning and potential sexual intercourse with their identical twins. ‘Baby, it’s not cheating if it’s with our look-a-likes!'” –Gnemec

“That ‘everything being so expensive line’ totally sounds like something from Herb and Jamaal. Who says that? Everything is so expensive! Everything in the world! Nothing specific … say, remember the good old days when a box of medication for your crabs was only $1, and instead you’d use that dollar to buy a pair of handcuffs and spread the nasties to every hot nipple-less nature writer who dared to pop his little head into the room? You don’t? Cherry? Are you there?” –Howabominable (aka Lindsey ^_^)

“OMG, Mary is meddling in her own life. This can only mean the universe is about to die in fire.” –Inspector Dim

“I love the way in which Cherry has to get permission from a male in order to allow Kelly Welly to film in LoFo, or indeed make any decision other than to clean the house.” –Islamorada Girl

“I’m strongly in favor of the ‘Edda dumps her dead fish of a boyfriend’ storyline, but I’m not in favor of it being so boring.” –monkey.dave

And special recognition needs to go to these two comments from faithful reader Rusty. They managed to repulse even my wife, who’s a professional sex educator:

“Dr. Jeff looks haggard because he suddenly realized he’s been banging Mary Worth. ‘Put it in there, Jeff. Now isn’t that comfy? Now start moving it in and out. That’s right, sexual intercourse is one of God’s gifts to us all.'” –Rusty

“Sally is turning down a chance to be manipulated by the slenderest hands on the planet. He could probably get his entire reed-like forearm up in there.” –Rusty

Now we must also give thanks to those fine folks who put some many in the tip jar! And, at long last, we must as ever thank our advertisers:

• Hip & Handmade!: Shana LOVES people who are independent thinking, unique, artistic, and never too old to have fun! Shop ShanaLogic.com for handmade jewelry, hot apparel, gear for guys, unusual plushes, and more!
• CAN’T ANYONE BEAT HIM: Michael Beaudoin wins $25,000 in [DELETED] contest. Now he’s at it again — going for a second win in Budget Rent a Car’s Flip for Budget $25,000 video contest! Tell us: IS HE UNSTOPPABLE?
• The secrets of the quest: The quest is under way. Some puzzles have been solved, but greater challenge lies ahead. Show resolve, and you could find great reward. $100,000 in treasure awaits. Join if you dare. Many will try. One will succeed.

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.