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Well, here it is, the moment at least some of you have been waiting for: Mark Trail Theater on YouTube. I hope it doesn’t disappoint! We weren’t able to pull off the production values of those now-famous Mary Worth videos, so we went for campy. It’s going to be dark at first; stay with it.

(If you have a hard time seeing the projections, you might want to go directly to the video’s page on YouTube and watch it in full-screen mode.)

And now, some probably indulgent notes on the cast and production:

The play was part of a larger variety/talent show called Glitterama, which is put on by the zany Baltimore performance group Fluid Movement. We were one of the few acts that didn’t involve burlesque and/or semi-nudity (though on the first night after we left the stage there were calls for Mark Trail to “take it off”). It was very gratifying to hear everyone laughing in the audience, but we were fortunate to be the third act, and so they were all good and warmed up.

That’s my lovely wife Amber as poor neglected Cherry Trail in the first and last scenes, gamely wearing a curly wig, Keds, and (the ultimate sacrifice) mom jeans. She’s actually on the board of Fluid Movement, and at the last minute was roped into saying a few words about the group at the beginning of the show — in costume, of course. She’s a pro. She also was the driving force behind actually moving this thing from big talk on my part to reality (as she was for this very blog), and helped keep us organized as it progressed.

Our friend Sam only had a single line as Buck Jones at the very end, but he was a very crucial part of the production. He’s been reading soap opera strips for much longer than I have, and once we had settled on a plotline that we would use, he meticulously pieced together the panels to create the story and then wrote the script. And yes, other than the Sunday strip-style bear slander in the middle, virtually every line in this play is taken directly from the strip. He also wrote and performed that theme song, all by himself (the lyrics for which, if you have trouble hearing them, are “It’s the land of the beaver and bear/ And home of their friend Mark Trail/ Cherry and Andy and Rusty are there/ And all of the bad guys have facial hair/ In Lost Forest”). He also had valuable theater experience that kept us on track, and ran the slide projector during the performances.

Our friend Dave was for obvious reasons the only choice to play Mark Trail. I love the way he makes Mark so incredibly straight that he’s hilarious. He sunk so deep into his character that his wife (who is behind the camera here) forbade him to talk in the Mark Trail voice at home anymore. (Actual quote as we were helping clean up the backstage area, in Mark Trail voice: “If there’s one thing I hate more than bears, it’s litter.”) He was also great with props — for instance, he built that pup tent in a night when the Glitterama head honcho informed us that our previous effort (a tarp draped over some chairs) was sub-par.

Our friend Kaycee, who glams it up as Kelly Welly, was already a reader of my blog when she met my wife, and later realized who she was when some friends posted pictures of our wedding in the forum. Her camptastic Marilyn-Monroe-meets-Miss-Piggy version of Kelly’s voice (amplified by the hand mike so she could go for maximum breathiness) kept us on the verge of breaking up at all times, and some of the funniest little flourishes originated with her ad libs during rehearsal. She also provided costumes and props from her seemingly limitless supply, including the all-important bear suit.

Speaking of which … our friend Rupert did triple duty as Rusty, the arrow-ass bear (for whose ass we never got around to fashioning an arrow) and, in the final scene, Molly, all of which roles he embraced with total and deranged commitment, stealing everyone’s heart and mastering the quick change in the wings. My only regret about this video is that many of his awesome antics ended up just beyond the left side of the frame.

Our friend Kevin did a great job with the narration, making the whole bizarre thing sound official and halfway normal. The fake Sunday strip in particular got some of the biggest laughs of the night, not least because of his awesomely deadpan delivery.

And finally, that’s me dorking it up as both Bill Ellis and Ranger Rick Rogers. I find Kelly and the bear’s second entrance, during which I flail about desperately trying to figure out where I’m supposed to be standing on stage, particularly cringeworthy. At least at one point I got to walk off stage with a girl in one hand and a gun in the other — truly the dream of every American man.

Anyway, I’ll stop nattering on about this, but I really enjoyed putting this on with all these people. This video will obviously make you devastated that you missed it, but we’re already trying to figure out a venue for the next chapter of Mark Trail Theater: Molly Doesn’t Understand The Hostility! It will call for a higher special effects budget, obviously.

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I know I’ve been busy this weekend, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t diligently choose a COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Johnny goes through mustache wax like it’s going out of style. Which, coincidentally, it did, about 125 years ago.” –Tweeks_Coffee

And bravo to the runners up as well!

“I fear Judge Parker is leading us to a modern update of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Nuclear weapons are no longer the threat — now Klaatu/Sophie tells us, ‘Your climate is changing’ and warns us to mend our ways. But no, we won’t listen. I give it two weeks before Keith and his idling Hummer are destroyed by a rampaging Gort.” –dbp

“There are so many things out there that harm our youth today: drugs, guns, gangs, pasties flashed during the Super Bowl, Pokemon, that damn rap music … But it was hubris that took down poor Mike Patterson. Hubris, that overweening pride, that indomitable narcissism. Alas, poor Michael Patterson. Today I lay you down in a loamy grave with a foobish shovel. Rest in peace, young hooligan. The living do, indeed, bury the dead.” –Broken Skittles

“Vengeance? After witnessing plugger sex? Don’t be silly. You know full well you’ll be in holding yourself in the corner of a dark, cold room, whimpering softly and crouching in a puddle of your own tears.” –SNF

“‘There doesn’t seem to be any serious damage.’ YEAH, BECAUSE WHEN THERE IS, YOU USUALLY HEAR A KIND OF GRINDING NOISE WHEN I DO THIS TO ITS HEAD.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“But now, I think [Mary Jane]’s about to emerge as an unexpected supervillainess. There’s a giant exoskeleton hidden under that bulky, unattractive, totally not-MJ sweater. Soon she will emerge as … The Lavender! Or … The Twin Set! Or … some other lame-ass Spidey comic strip type villain.” –Deborah

“You couldn’t find Exit 163B, and it was marked with big green signs. Good luck finding the g-spot, Casanova. Hopefully there’s a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves in the glove compartment.” –Joe Blevins

“The vet is totally putting the moves on Mary. (Ew! Ew! EW!) I don’t know if the funny pages can handle a Mary Worth who’s not having sex with TWO doctors at the same time.” –Meanwhile

“Could Mary Worth possibly be any more virtuous if she tried? She oozes moral rectitude from every pore of her unwrinkled flesh.” –Moss_Moses

“Marshmallows fresh from the back pocket, mmm yum! And their body heat will melt them to the degree they will be flat, sticky, and covered with pocket lint. Lint is like candy sprinkles to a Keane kid.” –True Fable

“At first glance, I thought the Family Circus kids were taking shots. Maybe they’ve invented some new drinking game where every time one of the kids says something banally funny you take a shot … or 12, depending on how much it hurts your soul.” –Chesnut

“I’ve gotta say, the sudden spurt of TDIET submissions based around the hospital leads me to hypothesize three equally depressing, yet equally likely theories: 1) the readership of the strip has a collective perpetual foot in the grave, 2) lonely, miserable, bedridden hospital patients have no better way to wile away their hours than to doodle comic strip ideas on the back of their napkins and sigh about lost time, or 3) the readership of TDIET frequently find themselves in the hospital due to the high blood pressure brought on by complaining about every last damn thing.” –Tats

“Mary’s face in panel two is like Christmas. It’s like her response to ‘All creatures great and small deserve our compassion’ is ‘I am familiar with this technique of saying things you can’t possibly mean in the most obsequiously bland way when you’re really about to wreak bloody, bloody vengeance upon themandohmygod, the vet and dog are GOING TO KILL ME. HELP. HELP. HELP.'” –kitty

“The reason you don’t see Sally’s mom in too many strips: she can’t stop looking at the camera. Notice that as it swoops around the pair from one side to the other, in the second panel the mom leans sharply to her right so her face doesn’t get blocked out. What we’re looking at was the nineteenth take, after the frustrated director walked off the set and the editor had to just pick the least awkward shot.” –Sobek

“I’m pretty well convinced that ‘Mitch’ is actually a young Slick Smitty. They both have the same stupid haircut and the same stupid grin. I keep expecting to see a narration box pop up: ‘Slylock Fox suspects that Mitch is lying through his teeth. What evidence suggests that he is not being honest about the iPod?’ And then an upside-down narration in small print: ‘Answer: Mitch has come to a bookstore for a meal, which clearly demonstrates that he has no understanding of how the traditional commercial system operates because he does all his business on the black market.'” –praepes

“In Bull Malone’s defense, both the kid and his boat are done up entirely in low-visibility marine camouflage and embedded in a dense cloud of waterfowl. Bull might just not have seen him. Avoiding the collision at the last second was plain good seamanship. And when he finds two guys standing on the dock, twiddling their thumbs and watching their precious vacation time tick away as they wait for someone with a boat to come along and take them to a hunting and fishing camp, what is he expected to do — leave them dangling there until Malotte’s kid finally shows up with ‘most of the water’ out of his boat, or extend some customer service and offer them a ride himself? Bull is just showing good business sense, I say. Sorry, Johnny Malotte! The cutthroat, take-no-prisoners environment of wilderness resort competition is no place for the likes of you. Good thing you have so many kids; the strong market for healthy kidneys should keep you going for a while.” –Joe Btfsplk

“Eventually, Wilson & Barreto are just going to spin off a strip called Trudy’s Ass, aren’t they?” –Keg of Curd

“I didn’t think Mary could be any more insufferably full of herself until she decided to award herself a goddamn Nobel Prize for bringing a dog to the vet.” –rhymes with puck

In other news, I’m sad to see Mark Trail Theater come to an end, though it was a fairly exhausting weekend. Faithful reader Little Red-haired Girl and her husband (aka our neighbors Kathleen and Emil) where very kind to bring us roses at the final performance! Here I am showing them off and looking pleased but zonked out:

Yes, I shaved for the performance — after all, I wasn’t playing a villain and I didn’t want Mark to start punching me uncontrollably. And that stick was an important prop! I did get to chat with several faithful readers — Minivet, Susie, and Nellie — at the Saturday shows — lovely people all! Anyone I missed talking to, please speak up in the comments! And now I’ll shut up about it all except to say that it was captured on video, and if all goes well I’ll upload it to YouTube sometime this week, at which time I’ll go on at great further length.

Oh, and before I sign off, I need to direct your attention to the the FOOBiverse Journal, that home for vitriol against all things FBOFWish, where the blogger all last week was none other than faithful reader True Fable, who, if he said anything about it here, I’m very sorry to have not noticed it.

And finally, I must as always throw some love at our advertisers:

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To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Well, “review,” anyway. If I may be so bold as to quote faithful reader eyeballpupil, who posted this comment on the last thread:

You guys! Mark Trail Family Theatre was great. There was a bear, and hunky Mark Trail, and naughty sexy Kelly, and Josh! as Ranger Rick with a southern accent. The picture of the bear on the toilet was surprisingly topical. And a special guest appearance at the very end! I won’t spoil the surprise for those of you going to the Saturday shows, you’ll have a great time.

Thanks for your kind words, eyeballpupil, and thanks for coming! (By the way, eyeballpupil, are you the same person as faithful reader Livia [or possibly Olivia, there was a lot of ambient noise while we were talking] who I chatted with a bit last night? If not, then also: Hi Livia [or possibly Olivia]!)

So, there you have it: you’re coming, that’s settled. And, Baltimore-area fans: Faithful reader Minivet is taking the train in from out of town around 5 p.m. and wants to meet up with someone! Show your Charm City hospitality by making arrangements in the forum, or send me your contact info and I’ll forward your address onto him. (I actually met him briefly at SPX last month and he is a charming fellow.)