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FOLKS … nothing gold can stay, because everything gold will eventually develop cancer, or CTE, or a hearing disability, and that’s why Funky Winkerbean at the end of the year will, in the words of the Daily Cartoonist, “reach completion” (ew?). I guess this explains why Funky is retiring and Summer is writing a book about her dad’s boring old friends. Don’t worry, though: Tom Batuik will still be posting occasional Funky stories on Tom Batuik dot com, and Crankshaft will keep on aggressively malaproping indefinitely, so there’s still hope that we’ll eventually find out whether Cayla divorces Les or not.

Funky Winkerbean has of course been one of my favorite strips to make fun of since the Masky McDeath days, and it goes without saying that I am sad to see it go! Say what you will about all the cancer, but it was its own unique multilayered world and, somewhat bizarrely, had multiple lives as a cultural touchstone. I hope Batuik enjoys (semi) retirement. I just want to point out that I’ve been doing this blog since 2004, and I never taught my spellcheck the word “Winkerbean” and now, sadly, it appears I’m never going to have to. RIP to a real one.

But we must plod on and do what we can in a Funkyless world! Credit goes to Bowsnonk on Twitter for the title of this post, and credit must also go to the comment of the week:

“One thing all the building-up of the Truck Tyler legend didn’t prepare me for was how exquisitely bitchy his between-song patter is.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

And here are this week’s runners up! Very funny!

“Boy it’s true what … [flips over to open google tab] … Indian actor and film producer Mohanlal says: ‘Life is just a collage of events.’ Really. That’s why, every once in a while, it’s ok to have a Sunday strip that doesn’t advance a storyline, provide any new information, or is interesting in any real way. Because chatting with someone in the lobby of your building is just one of those ‘events’ that we gluestick onto the great poster board of life, ok? Just enjoy the collage, folks.” –pugfuggly

“I kind of wonder what’s going on in Sarge’s mind right now. He gives his bipedal, clothes-wearing dog a command, and the dog responds by walking away in silence with a sad, resigned look on his face, only to come back moments later with a bottle of hot sauce and an air of grim determination. Is he horrified at how his cruel order is affecting his loyal companion? Or is he worried that he’ll wake one morning to the smell of hot sauce and hot, drooling breath just inches from his leg?” –TheDiva

“I bet someone hooked Mary up, whether Tommy is still dealing or not. Just look at panel two. No way does a simple shopping trip for a bagful of groceries provide that much dopamine — not in this economy! Have you seen the cost of butter lately, dude?” –made of wince

“[tries for five minutes to express my feeling of queasiness and revulsion at a married couple submitting to Pluggers together] Do pluggers really like pistachio?” –matt w

“With his army routed by the winged hussars of Poland and the campaign to capture Vienna an abject failure, Grand Vizier George Wilson Pasha is punished as befits a high-ranking Ottoman officer, by strangulation with a silk cord. [1683, colorized]” –jroggs

“The best part of Dennis the Menace is how resigned both Wilsons are to Dennis murdering one of them. Mrs. Wilson is at least a little surprised that her husband isn’t even trying to fight back against the child he outweighs by a good 150 pounds.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“‘How are things going in your life, Iris?’ ‘Amazingly well…’ ‘Excuse me, Iris, I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to the flowers outside. You’re not the only Iris here, you know. So rude.‘ ‘Things are going great, Mary, thanks for asking. Sunny day, so photosynthesis is underway, and I think a bee might stop by later!’” –Voshkod

“I want to take the opportunity to congratulate Walker & Associates for getting it right and presenting a recognizable — potato? lemon? — foodstuff in the first panel. Way to go, Contract Worker #36! You have earned work until Thanksgiving.” –Bobby Sneakers

“Mr. Dithers seems a bit confused by this protest, as well he should be. Who are these people? Why are they shouting and circling in the middle of his office? How have they managed to corral his dipshit office manager into their antics? No, wait, he’s got that part.” –pastordan

“Hi is microdosing testosterone to make life more bearable. The beard shows that the physical effects are there, but the face shows it did not solve the psychological issues.” -Ettorre

“What is that empty space where they’re picketing? This strip does this all the time; they are post-modernists who have deconstructed the concept of a ‘room.’ Here’s a wall, here’s a floor, here’s some wainscoting, here’s a … doorway(?), all scattered randomly without logical connection.” –Tom T.

“Say what you will about Dorothy, but I for one appreciate how accommodating she is in the midst of tragedy. ‘Get up! I’m going to kick your #&%.‘ ‘Why, certainly, Keri! One mo. Do I face you, or the wall, or what?’” –els

“I suspect what Dorothy is laughing at is some parents’ choice to spell their daughter’s name as ‘Allyson’. That’s much too trendy for Milford.” –seismic-2

“Are they actually selling a Trixie NFT? Because between this and the mug… I dunno, I just think maybe somebody at King Features is overestimating how much people like looking at Trixie.” –Dan

“The audience is so disappointed. They were hoping to hear songs from Mud’s new album, Glutton for Nourishment.” –Inspector Gotcha

“I don’t know the name of the town in this strip, but the citizens have shown they’re pretty progressive by electing a mayor who’s a sex android.” –BeckoningChasm

“Notice that Henry is taking advantage of Dennis’s complaints to slip his food back into the serving dish. Maybe he and Dennis are working in tandem, and maybe Alice’s food really is awful. This whole family is made of menace!” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Didn’t Coach Hernandez refer to his kid as the ‘Little Bedwetter’? Maybe this common bond of sons with nocturnal enuresis will unite Gil and Hernandez — enemies on the streets, but plastic beneath the sheets?” –Old School Allie Cat

“Look at these disturbing creatures. They should rename this strip Uncanny Alley.” –Anonymous (but not that one)

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Oh look, it’s your comment of the week! Right here!

“Deep in the Algerian desert, the countdown for Gerboise Bleue nears zéro. The range safety officer peers through binoculars into the shimmering heat, his hands slick with sweat and fear, as the ferocious Sun rises, not knowing that today it would have a twin on Earth. Was there something new there, near the shot tower? Mon Dieu, he realizes, a Bedouin tent! He toggles his radio to call off the test when the Sun’s frère blooms down range. Poor bastards, he thinks as he dives into his trench. At least they died rapidement. One can only hope they were making love, and not arguing about toilettes.” –Voshkod

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I think the big news here is that evidently Not Me and Ida Know split up.” –Pozzo

“Life imprisonment without court martial might seem like a harsh punishment during peacetime, but the defense of the nation can allow no tolerance for ventriloquism.” –jroggs

“Today’s entry is a reminder in case any of the readers thought the Chix were living large off this strip.” –Hibbleton

“You must admit, ‘I wish it was still the 1970’s!’ is pretty much the mission statement of the newspaper comics industry. This will be clipped and placed on as many as a dozen refrigerators around the country.” –pastordan

“Look. I’ll be the one to point out that Iris didn’t accept Zak’s proposal in the heady emotional rush of a brush with death, she did so hours later, in bed. Zak has a very specific value-add in this relationship, and I’m not saying it can’t be the basis for a long and mutually fulfilling life of wedded bliss, I’m just saying if you want the white rice with hamburger gravy to keep coming, you’d better time the request right buddy.” –Dan

“We make such a great team! Your strength is falling off cliffs, and mine is eventually, reluctantly pulling you up. We’ll be unstoppable!” –Violet

“I like how we don’t see actually see Zak in today’s strip, leaving open the possibility that a delirious Iris is play-acting a misguided proposal fantasy, voice modulation and all. Meanwhile, the real Zak is at home, trying to change a lightbulb while standing atop a blender.” –Irrischana

“I had a tough time figuring out what was going on in panel 2. Then I realized that linebacker Nick was such a wildman that all he knew was ‘BALL … KILL’ and was tackling his own teammates.” –Inspector Gotcha

“As the midterm elections come to a close, Americans are divided now more than ever. But today’s Beetle Bailey shows us how two different groups can work together towards compromise, so that each gets something they want. Humorists get to poke fun of the slow, painful death of Print Media, while the old, horny men employed by Print Media score a panel of General Halftrack looming over a prostrate Miss Buxley.” –Carsick Yankee

“Yeah, I’m sure that Mr Mountain is about to have a massive coronary, but I think this scene reads much funnier if you imagine that he’s been caught in a massive lie about being a country singer. ‘Ok folks just a minute … one second … j-just tuning up here … OH WOW IS THAT MERLE HAGGARD SITTING AT THE BAR?’ [leaps off stage and through a fire exit]” –pugfuggly

“What if Mud has crippling anxiety that has caused his career to self-destruct, and he self-medicates with food? I mean, he can still shit himself — you gotta give the people what they want — I just think coronary has been done to death.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Things to do? Lists to make? People to contact? That’s funny, the same would’ve been the case for Zak’s funeral, had Iris been unable to save him. Damn it, there’s just no getting away from these fancy events, is there?” –made of wince

“In idle moments, Iris and Zak can amuse themselves by trying to think of yet more ways to work the words ‘usual’ and ‘upcoming’ into their conversations. ‘Upcoming’ is a funny word, isn’t it? If one of them is about to barf, they can use it as a warning: ‘Upcoming!’” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Mr. Wilson does live in this vicinity, but where? To learn that you must solve my series of ever more fiendish riddles…’ ‘I’ll try next door.’” –Anonymous (but not that one)

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Hey folks! Have you ever heard about a little something called karma???? It goes like this: I make an innocent little joke in which I call for the death of Dustin, the beloved title character of the comic strip Dustin, and then I am immediately myself afflicted with a case of COVID-19. Symptoms quite mild but probably not best for me to spend 90 minutes tonight yelling jokes at a crowd of people in a poorly ventilated theater, so I am cancelling tonight’s Internet Read Aloud!!! Sorry all and hopefully I can get this gang back together in 2023.

Not even a serious respiratory virus can stop the comment of the week, however, which was carefully selected in my sealed bunker:

“Billy doesn’t seem to me like the kind of kid who’d have an expensive, lab-quality microscope, but if he got one, he’s definitely the kind of kid who’d leave it on the floor.” –Steph

The runners up? Also quite funny!

“This one got a real smile out of me. Not because of the ‘joke,’ but because I enjoy seeing Hi and Lois being shitty to their dumb kids. Look at those little jerkwads all sad and stuff. This is the true meaning of Halloween!” –pugfuggly

“Wait, can the Daddy Daze Mommy ‘hear’ the ‘real’ meaning of Angus’s ‘ba ba ba’s too? Either he’s actually communicating with them or their shared insanity makes their breakup either that much more inexplicable, or that much more inevitable.” –Morgan Wick

“I’d say hitting on your waitress is inappropriate, but maybe it’s ironic flirting to go with her kitschy, ironic beehive hairdo? Is that what the kids are into these days?” –made of wince

“There’s still hope for a twist ending, as that entire spur of rock breaks off.” –Ken

“Now let’s talk about the murder of Kathy Kangaroo and Slick Smitty wearing her skin.” –Liam

“Dying to find out if the robot dog is looking at, like, a midwestern mayonnaise and potato chip salad and affectionately chuckling, ‘Well ain’t that America folks?’ or if his character is being forcibly hauled away from a government building and angrily shouting, ‘OH I’M SORRY IS THIS NOT AMERICA’ at the security guards.” –Dan

“Maybe Slick Smitty was a furry in the Before Times, and his shit-eating grin is because all those who made fun of him for wanting to live in an animal world are now dead.” –Philip

“Just look at Summer vigorously taking notes. ‘Pulitzer, here I come!’” –Lord Flatulance

“Sorry, I phrased that incorrectly. What I meant to say is, ‘Standing on cliff edges? No way I’m done with that!’ Check this out, I’m gonna pee over the edge and make my own waterfa– Oops! Uff!” –jroggs

“Montoni’s pizza is made with love and our secret special ingredient (the secret ingredient is amniotic fluid).” –Schroduck

“‘You’re weird but I’m disgusting.’ That showed her. Possibly.” –Anonymous (but not that one)

“‘Compulsive’ implies a lack of free will in the matter and thus a lack of personal responsibility. Blondie chose the life of uncovering secrets and spreading shame and revels in it!” –Ettorre

“Under the old writer, Gil and Mimi spent their ‘alone time’ drinking an endless wash of fresh lemonade. Perhaps it was the abundance of vitamin C that made for such a happy home.” –Ukulele Ike

“Yes, Dennis. It’s those accursed longshoremen in Los Angeles lollygaging while your precious cookies grow stale in maritime shipping containers.” –Dennis Jimenez

“Uncle Cosmo is even more disappointed. He was counting on this flick to get him out of having ‘the talk’ with Skyler.” –Peanut Gallery

“I’m like a Forever Stamp. Dead man on one side, sticky on the other!” –Voshkod

“Never let it be said that the Perfesser is not taking care of his nephew. Here, he’s teaching him the key adult skill of how to slump in an armchair and stare, glassy-eyed, at anything that’s on TV.” –Lawyerbob

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!