“Obviously ‘I’m going to take two weeks to interview hurricane survivors in Tampa and then a solid month in Cancun’ means Wilbur is running drugs, but everyone’s like ‘Yeah you’re fleeing from your public humiliations, makes sense’ even though he hasn’t been publicly humiliated for at least three storylines. He’s got the perfect cover story! He’s a criminal mastermind!” –matt w

“Too many cringe memories. Like the time Mary talked me down from suicide? Pretty sus, y’all!” –Dan

“Wilbur’s words indicate that he’s learned from his mistakes and needs time to really reflect on the direction of his life. Wilbur not telling Dawn that he’s leaving for at least a month until he’s hastily throwing a few things in a duffel bag while keeping one eye on his Uber driver’s ETA indicate that he has not in fact learned a thing.” –TheDiva

“Dating a predatory wolf furry with huge boobs and a miniskirt is only the second most perverse part of Suburban Fairy Tales. The winner by a long shot is Third Pig’s horrible vest, running shorts and leather gloves combo.” –Schroduck

“Apparently Hi and Lois spend most of their alone time propped up on huge pillows, watching a TV placed prominently at the foot of their bed. Which is probably a good thing — considering the decade-and-a-half age range of their children, it’s not like they put a lot of thought into family planning during the rare nights when they turn off Kimmel.” –BigTed

“Our office is having a photography contest! Rules? There’s only one rule: no kids. Anything else, fine and dandy. Photos of the victims chained in your cellar? Hey, sounds swell! You’ll be competing with my elder abuse series, though, so you’d better be good.” –BeckoningChasm

“Dawn wants only ethical food to consume. Mary can no longer enjoy food without the taste of cruelty and the suffering of others. How will she resolve this wacky conflict? Eating Dawn is the obvious solution, but Dawn isn’t self-aware enough to feel suffering. It’s quite a conundrum for our eldritch abomination protagonist.” –Old Man Shadow

“Wilbur is out of town for Dawn’s storyline, just like she was for Wilbur’s storyline. It looks like their actors had a huge quarrel and now they cannot stand to be on set at the same time — their shared scenes at departure and return are filmed separately on green screen and combined in post.” –Ettore Costa, on BlueSky

“Dennis is an ageless being, millions of years old. He was there when the first archaic gymnosperm tree put out a tentative stunted seedling in the dark soil of Carboniferous era. An impossibly ancient creature, almost as old as the average Dennis the Menace reader.” –Schroduck

“I actually had trouble figuring out initially whether the oven mitts were part of whatever glop Mary cooked … I thought ‘Did Mary cook this woman a HAM? The new vegan???’ But then I realized that couldn’t be right, because the ham would have looked semi-appetizing and, well, also have been the correct color, neither of which seem to be actual strong points of Mary’s cooking.” –LTJpezcore1

“Jesus, just look at Hi’s panicked expression. It’s not just that he has no other ideas for gifts, it’s that he can’t even conceive of any. ‘Ok, ok … it’s winter … I could get them something warm … and colorful … that they could wear around the house on their fee– SHIT NO THAT’S SOCKS AGAIN EVERYTHING IS SOCKS!” –pugfuggly

“But … but you don’t have to type in ‘Add to cart.’ You just click the button that says ‘Add to cart.’ Is bird-lady up there shopping in a text-adventure game from 1987? Is she buying grues? the Coconut of Quendor? (I’d love to stick around to see if there’s an answer to these questions, but apparently I’m needed back at the old-folks’ home for whittling lessons.)” –els

“Josh might not appreciate the humor in this strip, but all across this fine nation many a 62 year-old or so office manager is chuckling lightly as they sip from their 1990s era Cathy ‘I Shop, Therefore I Am … Broke’ novelty coffee mugs originally bought at a Spencer’s in the mall.” –Philip

“The new Gil Thorp art leaves a lot to be desired but I can get used to it if it keeps depicting what appears to be a football player pooping out a football.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I’m not convinced Sarge knows the word ‘effigy.’ He may be assuming it’s a fancy way of saying ‘his sleep.’” –Steph

“Sarge is right to be concerned. His troops will soon turn to actual human sacrifice when their burning a mere replica proves insufficient to stop the progress of history’s fastest lunar eclipse.” –seismic-2

“‘It’s easy for you to say now after all of that is behind you.’ ‘It wasn’t easy at all at the time, dummy! But it’s easy now that it’s all behind me! So there!’ ‘That’s what I just– you’re not even listening to– look, just tell me what I have to say to get you to leave.’” –jroggs

“Dr. Jeff notices Mary eating her dessert with a canapé fork and immediately calls 911 after disconnecting. ‘Hurry! She’s nuts I tell ya!’” –Hibbleton

“It was the least we could do — literally! Now, we’ll need to see a doctor’s note before we’ll come within 50 feet of you again. Love you, Mary!” –MKay

“Well, of course there are five clams in Santa hats! Good God, man, don’t you ever read the Bible?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Floppy-haired semi-sleeveless T-shirt dude looks so sad about the proceedings. Turn that frown upside down! You haven’t yet been stabbed or bitten!” –matt w

“I don’t mean to downplay the emotional importance of Lois’ story, but Hi’s interest in the football game does have more material importance to the family and its future, at least if I am correctly reading his baggy-eyed expression as a sign he bet the next six months of mortgage payments on a prop bet for Broncos’ kicker Wil Lutz making this field goal.” –Philip

“Oops, looks like Snuffy tripped over his dog and fell right onto his Roland TR-909 drum machine. Who knew that Hilly Billy House was so big in Hootin Holler?” –pugfuggly

“Sent my mind down an absurd rabbit hole imagining an article in the future about how most readers don’t know why Mary Worth is called that since the original cast hasn’t been seen in decades, after it became about Wilbur falling into a sinkhole to Hollow Earth, unable to return.” –Jake Nelson, on Twitter

“I fail to see the irony. Beetle’s ancestors came over because of a potato famine, and it worked! Now Beetle has more potatoes than in the dreams of Olwen! If Beetle were lining up to buy fries from Killer at $25 an ounce, now that would be ironic.” –White Rabbit

“I’m extremely grateful for that bottom caption in Alice that clears things up after Alice’s reply, ‘Just don’t tell Mr. Bossman.’ For a second there, I was going to tell Mr. Bossman! Thanks, caption at the bottom!” –Chance

“In the first panel, this is just a harmless prank. In the second panel, the handle from the trashcan lid and the steering wheel from the truck have both been removed, so the trashman can neither defend himself nor escape.” –jroggs

“Mr. Bossman is the perfect nemesis of modern women, since he incarnates the authoritarian and hierarchical power of both capitalism and patriarchy. Believe me, it makes sense if you know Jungian archetypes! Or if you smoke the good stuff.” –Ettorre

“I haven’t read Alice before, I like the whole general vibe of her skull. It’s like when a comic book character has fire instead of hair, then an action figure designer has to figure out how the hell you do that, and the result is, like … mostly a head? You can call that a head, sure. You can tell the colorist is doing their best.” –Dan

“I thought the internet was killing print newspapers but only printing two pages, one of which is nothing but headline? That ain’t helping.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Get in Gerard’s head. As soon as the ball is snapped, run full steam towards the Goshen sidelines and give that POS coach a concussion!” –seismic-2

“Gil’s idea of psychological mind-games is apparently just doing regular coach stuff, which probably explains why he’s so terrible at both coaching and psyching out the enemy.” –ectojazzmage

“For a moment, I thought the first word was ‘Merde!’, which opened up the potentialities of an intriguing new world of French intellectualist cynicism for Rex Morgan, M.D. [sighs] For a moment.” –odinthor

“Chip must have been the easiest baby to raise ever. ‘Just stop crying!’ ‘[sigh] Okay.’” –Joe Blevins

“Just wait until he finds out The Ghost Who Drinks is lactose intolerant. A pint of that milk stout and the Phantom will be launching gas attacks for hours.” –teenchy

“‘I know what I did was stupid’ should replace ‘This serial comic strip … features a no-nonsense, upstanding lawyer who stoically handles drama inside and outside of the courtroom’ as the syndicate’s official Judge Parker synopsis.” –Where’s Rocky?

“How do I drive my wife wild? By imagining an ambiguous diner/bar situation where two guys are on opposite sides of a counter, one drinking coffee and the other drinking beer, and they both appear to be customers. It makes her crazy!” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Kent has now appropriated for himself, without asking for or receiving anyone’s permission, the largest office in Treetops’ municipal building.’ ‘Great seizer’s ghost!’” –Bob Tice

“I’d think delivery drivers would refuse to service Dagwood’s street, much like taxis won’t go to certain neighborhoods after dark. You just know he can smell a pizza or a box of Chinese food a mile away, and will chase down the car carrying it like the T-1000.” –TheDiva

“The problem with forcing a pun into a strip so you can make the deadline is sometimes you don’t consider the implications it will have in making people think about the very concept of your comic. Look! Up in the sky! Is a bird? Yes.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“While Gil’s body is falling apart and betraying him, it’s Luke’s mind that is collapsing and leaving him powerless. This is a zombie strip literally about decline and slow march into death.” –Ettorre

“Oh, you were inspired to be a barber by the way your Mama carved and served turkey? That’s not heartwarming, the result is Dagwood’s haircut. You need therapy.” –nescio

“Found your problem right here: that’s not a football play on the blackboard, it’s [squints] English-Calculus-Music. Perform an iterative integration after the barred eighth notes, leaving the present participle with the wide receiver, you’ll pick up six yards in the playdowns, guaranteed.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“A damning indictment: Mary would rather relay a message through Dawn instead of talk to Wilbur. Are we sure she didn’t infect herself with an experimental strain of bird flu in order to get out of having to interact with Wilbur at Thanksgiving?” –Dog Balls

“I think one of the bigger problems with the art in Gasoline Alley is how all of the children are much, much more upsetting to look at than the cursed doll, and also appear to be older than the adult cast.” –Tristan Olson

“Toilet Seat Bird is obviously a sadist. Why does he even have a toilet? The time-honored bird method — dropping it off a branch — is so much less complicated.” –MKay

“It isn’t unbelievable that a plugger of that species would want to maul Santa instead of becoming a mall Santa.” –Nobody

“Look at those towering evergreens behind Dr. Jeff! This episode of Mary Worth was shot in Vancouver for the tax incentives.” –Lomo

“Actually, the box of powdered pumpkin soup mix has a Post-It that says ‘Get Well Soon Toby & Ian,’ to which was added with a ball point pen ‘+ Jeff.’ But if Mary finds that comforting, who are we to judge?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Ditto’s banal comment convinces Trixie and — let’s face it — Chip that the Flagstons are eating a beloved Sesame Street character. Luckily, everyone is cool with it.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Those guys look more like suburban hipsters than the local neighborhood thugs. ‘Hey Mister! We’re starting a new wave ska band! Can your dog play bass?’” –Lawyerbob