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Without further ado: this week’s comments-of-the-almost-week.

“The way I remember the story, Raju, is that the ugly duckling turns into a swan. In this telling, the duckling turns into Henry Kissinger in a pineapple shirt.” –Dingo

“Few Pluggers tend to be young, perhaps because the young still have, generally, a modicum of hope.” –Fred P.

On Beetle Bailey: “It looks like the tanks in the strip are WW2 Shermans, the helmets are the ‘Steel Pot’ variety that was replaced in 1983, and the rifles are M-1 Garands which went away in the ’50s. The sandbags look current, at least.” –Frank Drackman

“Today’s They’ll Do it Every Time made me really depressed for some reason. More so than usual, I mean.” –Cafangdra

“I suppose MW’s depiction of stalkers is no less out of whack than anything else in there. The strange glaring colors of men’s suits and marital blankets … the way that most clothes seem to be made by Martians who have had clothes described to them but have never actually seen them … the migration of Toby’s ponytail to improbable parts of her skull …” –Kate

“Seeing Aldo’s funeral would be entertaining but I submit that even moreso would be the Interventioneers ceremoniously placing one of those highly-visible homemade fatality markers at the site where Aldo went ultimate roadside. Considering the oft-mentioned guardrail-less-ness of that stretch of road, it might be the first time anybody from Charterstone did something that actually helped someone.” –Badly_Computer_Animated_Boy

“But really, how does it logically follow that Molly’s refined skills and abilities preclude her from any beehive vandalism? If anything, Molly’s little show might lead Hoyt to conclude that Molly must be stealing his honey, refining it, and selling it in darling little decorative jars at some roadside stand.” –Ned Ryerson

“If this post-facto rationalization session (which has ground Mary Worth to a dialog-ridden halt for over a week) doesn’t ultimately lead to a guilty suicide, an orgiastic blood-letting amongst the co-conspirators, or a reanimated corpse revenge tale, I will demand my money back.” –DaveyK

“Wilbur is silent because he is desperately afraid that anything he says might be misconstrued as making advances towards Mary Worth and he knows that the penalty for that would be death.” –LaughingOnTheInside

“Peter Parker has become as apathetic about being a photographer as Spider-Man is about fighting super villains. He has the proportionate apathy of a spider.” –Aldos Huxley

“Oh for pity’s sake. The only way they could have made the resolution to the Aldo storyline more boring is…actually, there’s no way it could be more boring.” –Opus

“I’m beginning to have my doubts about Raju. At first, I thought he was going to be some crazy foreigner who got pulled into all of this, and he’d turn out to be like the TAs in EE labs, but now I’m suspecting he’s some kind of evil mastermind, bent on world domination. Which would still be pretty awesome, except his plan seems to be to woo every female in wherever-the-heckville with inventory control and fruity t-shirts. Actually, I’ve changed my mind. Taking over the world with Hawaiian t-shirts (no matter how fruity) is badass. Hands down, the coolest world domination scheme ever. It’d never work, but it’s so awesome, I’m going to keep hoping it will.” –The G-Man

“I feel certain any hospital would welcome Molly, the Emotional-Assistance Bear. Come on! She’s helped me get over my crippling fear of intimacy, and she’s not even my bear!” –Summerhouse

“People, the hilariousness of your comments increases exponentially with my drunkenness.” –Grendell

Also! Just in time for the lovable story of lovable Molly the lovable bear to come to a seeming end … why not keep the memories alive with your terminally adorable Molly the bear t-shirt? No, for reals:

Molly shirts are currently available. But I’ve recently figured out that my new upgraded cafepress store allows me to have multiple graphics on the same kind of shirt, so look for a major restructuring of the store — with a lot of new products — in the next couple of weeks.

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A note arrived from an inquisitive member of the Fourth Estate:

I’m a writer with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel looking for fans of the Far Side, Calvin and Hobbes, Bloom County, and/or the Boondocks who live in the Milwaukee area. Can you please post something on your blog asking if there are any Milwaukee bloggers who fit this need? Ask them to contact me at this e-mail address: lprice@journalsentinel.com.

Heed the call, Milwaukeeans! (Milwaukeeites? What the hell do you people like to be called?)

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So, here’s this week’s Comment Of The Week almost-made-its. In case you haven’t noticed, this has pretty much become a regular feature at this point.

“In reality, this is how this conversation would go: ‘Honey, guess what I saw?’ ‘It’s probably some feeble attempt at ingenuity for the idiotic masses, but what?’ ‘A freaking divorce lawyer, you self-righteous piece of crap!'” –reader-who-posts

“Notice how it’s all about La Camerona. ‘I spent 45 minutes of torture inhaling Wilbur’s piercing aroma of Indonesian hair tonic and neglected genital hygiene, wasting my shrewish hectoring on this pathetic nitwit who has gone out and killed himself before he could even get depressed over my emasculation of him!'” –Craigers

“Aldo Kelrast’s death hits especially hard as he was the only character in the Worthiverse that had anything resembling ‘passion’ or ‘basic wants.’ His death is the final proof that in Charterstone simple human emotions are not only undesirable, but deadly.” –Anonymous

“For those reading Cathy this week: What is up with the war against business casual? Did a t-shirt kill her dog or something?” –Shawn Struck

“What kind of cop just strolls in to say, ‘YEP, IT’S SAD, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, OH WELL.’ I submit that this is not, in fact, a real cop, but instead a stripper that Mary & friends hired for Aldo’s wake. And before you ask what kind of stripper delivers a sermon on the dangers of drinking and driving and doesn’t remove a stitch of clothing, it’s the kind that Mary Worth would hire.” –SarcasticAcid

“As the days pass within the sinister case of Aldo Kelrast, Charterstone Stalker, I feel sorry less for Mary Worth and more for Toby Cameron’s pants.” –Dingo

“I suspect that Anthony will be strangely envious of Grampa’s corpse being, as he is, dead on the inside already.” –michael

“Margo apparently still has it, whatever ‘it’ is.” –LynnyM

On Mark Trail: “Also, for a few days we’ve been watching these bears in the woods and not once have we seen any signs of defecation by either animal. I guess thats the answer to that philosophical question.” –MGArchitect

“OH MY GOD! THERE’S FIRE IN GIL THORP! Fire, I tell you! Fire = adventure! It’s almost a substitute for a coherent plotline!” –leathermessiah

“Planning Eric Mill’s niece’s birthday party takes PREPARATION, dammit. It’s not like she’s planning an invasion of a third world country or anything. There are lots of variables. If any one goes wrong, disaster could strike. For example, what if one of the kids pukes into the whiskey fountain after doing a keg-stand? What are you going to do then? The obvious — start serving up shots straight from the bottle. But there have to be fresh bottles and chilled shot glasses immediately available. Planning, people! Planning!” –hogenmogen

“On the FBOFW site, they animate the comics. Granted, this animation frequently consists of nothing more than characters blinking, but the idea is that is makes them seem more ‘alive’. I just use it to scare my little son.” –Zikar

“Today Toby and Chinbeard finally realize the life-truth that Aldo knew all along: The best sex is always with the totally wrong people.” –AppleGirl

“Today’s edition [of RMMD] is, as is par for the course, awesome. No, I don’t know who those people are. (And you don’t either, so stop acting like you do.) But I can tell that they’re totally awesome! Will there be a tie-in between these lowlifes and the egregious purse-napping June suffered a few days ago? Who knows? But I’m guessing this: ADVENTURE!!!!” –Fred P.

“In the way in which young people can be clueless as to the (ick) continuing sexual activities of their progenitors and elders, Gina is so proud to make it crystal clear to the old biddies who made her dinner and cleared her plates that she’s leaving to ‘do it,’ while oblivious that Margo has just returned form a day-long brunch ‘date,’ and Tommie is still satisfied from scorning and humiliating Ted just the other day.” –ohyes

“Normal people would use the guns, but [The Phantom] is a strip in a paper where kids can read it, and they have to learn ‘family values,’ such as punching people and throwing them through windows instead of shooting them.” –hogenmogen

“It is entirely possible that Spider-Man is a cartoon strip which doesn’t actually have a ‘best character.'” –Fred P.

Also, faithful reader Dadzilla sent me this picture of his encounter with a bear statue. The statue didn’t understand Dadzilla’s hostility.