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It’s here, everyone: your top comment of the week.

“Objection! The defendant is using his hat like a stupid prop! In fact, it looks like he’s trying to seduce it or something, your honor. If he starts kissing it, I’m quitting. I don’t even care.” –made of wince

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I was going to say that it was odd that neither Dot nor Ditto mentioned it was Sunday before they were already driving to school, but then again, if someone woke me up, screaming at me to get my clothes on in a mad fury, I probably wouldn’t ask too many question either.” –pugfuggly

“This is the way the strip ends/ Not with a bang but with a carbon monoxide leak in the library” –Chris+Rywalt

“That blonde in Crankshaft is or at least looks a decade or two younger than the others. Why is she spending her time napping with a bunch of old farts? Honey, get thee to a Funky strip, where you can complain about the troubles of being in your 40s/50s rather than 60s/70s.” –jenna

“Six people in REM sleep and not one has had their book slide out of their hands on to the floor? I call bullshit. I originally called bullshit on the ridiculously large sign, but the book thing bugged me more.” –Weaselboy

“He actually is a marine biologist, but stealing goodies is less humiliating and more lucrative than applying dozens and dozens of times to get one meagre grant.” –Ettore_Costa, on Twitter

“‘The dog?‘ All the other miscreants get a name (Shady Shrew, Cassandra Cat). Show Dipshit Dog some respect, would you?” –Pozzo

“Hope they’ve got Impossible sausage in the animal future, or Slylock is straight-up ignoring a much more serious crime at the snack hut just up the beach.” –Dan

“Dennis is normally ten times more articulate than the Family Circus kids, but in this situation they would know what to do: blame it on ghosts.” –Anonymous

“So, I guess you could say that Hagar got… a Viking grill funeral [CSI: Miami theme goes here]” –Dunkelcopter

“The non-grounded electrical outlet probably indicates the existence of shell and tube wiring in the Mitchell house. Menace level: High!” –But What Do I Know?

“Rex: [looking at TV] ‘Well, yeah. You’ll want to stay off of it or just not use it so much … ice and what not. Call the office and make an appointment if you don’t feel better…’ Sweeper: ‘What? No I’m asking abo–‘*Click* [stares at phone]” –Kevin On Earth

“I haven’t been following this costumed vigilante hostage scenario story, but I’m not the least bit surprised to see the thrilling climax is, as always, a phone conversation between middle-aged men.” –jroggs

“Dennis, brandishing a sledgehammer: ‘Come on, Joey! If a scraped knee gets you measly cookies, think of the rewards of a shattered tibia! You’ll be laid up in a cast enjoying you brand new PS5! We’d be foolish NOT to break your leg!’” –The Great Joe Bivins

“Well, this is only anecdotal evidence, but being hit by a car seems to have worked for my daughter.” –TheDiva

“Can’t help noticing the Street Sweeper looks nothing like the guy he was introduced as and exactly like Rex himself. Hoping this is a Looper kind of situation where Rex has been sent back in time from a dystopian future where there’s a medical cure for crime to treat the biggest criminal of all, only to discover that it’s… his past self.” –Schroduck

“One of the weirdest things about being a comic strip character is that other characters are always walking up to you and saying setup lines, totally unsolicited and out of nowhere. Today, for instance, Dagwood is just trying to read the menu when Lou approaches him and says, ‘Summer sure changes people’s eating habits.’ Dag is momentarily disoriented — as we would all be in this situation — but he quickly readjusts. By panel two, he’s leaning forward to better hear where Lou is going with this. In panel three, accepting his fate as a human joke machine who can never die, Dag solemnly closes his eyes and recites the punchline, with the calm countenance of a religious martyr who’s about to be executed for his beliefs but has come to peace with this fact.” –Joe Blevins

“I think we’re reading too much into this. This is just Lou’s way of saying it’s too hot to cook.” –Hibbleton

“Joel and the colorist both know the international convention that helps avoid collisions between mule-drawn wagons: Red on the port side, green to starboard.” –Peanut Gallery

“I am bothered by the positioning of this fence. For one thing, it simply stops, rather then connecting to anything, which seems to defeat the entire purpose of a fence. More importantly, though, is that this fence seems to be at the edge of a cliff, presumably to keep people from falling off, yet Elviney is on the other side. Has she inched her way along the very edge of the cliff face, tenaciously holding onto the fence to keep from plunging into the chasm, just so that she could deliver the set-up for today’s joke? I admire your dedication to your craft, Elviney, but I hope that once you heard the punchline for which you risked your life, you began to question your choice of a career.” –seismic-2

“The only reason the other poker players haven’t put a bullet in Snuffy yet is that he’s really bad at cheating. It’s hard to pull a gun when you see a card up his sleeve but somehow you’re still up fifty bucks.” –Tabby Lavalamp

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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It’s the first Friday of the month, and you know what that means: come to the Clubhouse in Los Feliz in Los Angeles for The Internet Read Aloud, America’s favorite live comedy show about the internet!

Tell Facebook that you’re coming, when will then legally obligate you to come to the show!

But until then, please enjoy your comment … of the week:

“Today’s Beetle Bailey was supposed to just be a picture of all the main characters with a message on top saying ‘Celebrating our troops.’ Then, at the last second, the writer found out that Memorial Day is about remembering dead military personnel, not honoring living ones, so they had to hastily change course to make a strip about the characters murdering each other.” –likeagrapefruit

Your runners up are also very funny!

“I’ll say this for Marvin: at least its brand of ‘I regret having a child’ comedy doesn’t make you want to call an intervention.” –Schroduck

“Masked vigilantes, incompetent cops, villains who take a liking to their nicknames. This is how you get Gotham. Are we ready for this swerve in the Rex Morgan story?” –Gerry Quinn

“Uptown mall/ Checking price tags right out in the hall/ Listening to the woes of neighbor friend/ Her loveless marriage problems never end” –Dan

“From ‘Women Be Shopping’ to ‘Women Be Shopping With Their Own Money’: Small steps feminism in the legacy strip Hi and Lois” –Ettorre

“Working at a bank? Doesn’t it seem like Cinnamon Knight’s job description should be ‘Breakfast Cereal Mascot?’” –Pozzo

“I’m hoping that the ‘bank’ the Cinnamon Knight works for is actually some completely unregulated fly-by-night cryptocurrency thing, and of course the missing assets are all NFTs based on jpegs of old (and messily dead) Dick Tracy villains. It still wouldn’t make any sense, but at least it would be a reality-based doesn’t-make-any-sense.” –Dmsilev

“Hell yeah, there’s no better way to deliver data on a network security breach than a single sheet of paper. Envelope’s just gonna have a drawing of guy in a stripey shirt and domino mask using a computer. Not even a very good one. Tracy’s going to nod seriously and say ‘Better get the boys in the cyber crime bureau on this one.’” –Dan

“Jingle Bells/ Pluggers smell/ Because they wear Depends/ Gotta stick/ This stamp real quick/ To pretend like I have friends” –Ace

“Her buddy sitting there thinks ‘At least she’ll take attention away from the fact that I wore slipper socks into a bar.’” –Hibbleton

“You know what? I like this one. The idea of a sarcastic mermaid hanging out at a seaside bar, passive-aggressively haranguing humans about their mistreatment of the ocean is actually pretty funny. ‘Boy theses fries are something, aren’t they? I haven’t seen this much oil since Deepwater Horizon! No but seriously folks, I’m just doing some harmless trolling, unlike the kind you do at my house! Ha ha, but really, my sister died in a fishing net…’” –pugfuggly

“Won’t Dawn be surprised when Jared’s friend talks him into going to the exact same club? I admit my premise is flawed, because Jared has no friends.” –taig

“The worst part of this date is Malcolm thinks Morbius is a Marvel movie.” –Uncle Lumpy

“It’s the small touches that make a comic strip stand out. I enjoy knowing that the guy in the last panel is a fan of that classic 60s garage rock band, Exclamation Mark and the Hysterians.” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Want to meet up ahead of time to pregame, if you know what I mean?’ ‘Giant bowl of salad and a glass of water? Hell yeah.’” –Daisy Bateman, on Twitter

“Can he, though? He spent approximately two and a half minutes with you, and I guarantee that for two of those minutes he was not listening to a thing you were saying. ‘Uh huh, uh huh, shoulder hurts, got it.’ [thinking] ‘Can my daughter make any more money from drawing… dogs? It was dogs, right? People like dogs.’” –els

“Sarge flipping a guys car is the last piece of the puzzle for me. Clearly Camp Swampy was some sort of military research base, Sarge is a failed super soldier project; instead of an invincible Adonis with super strength, they made a slovenly rage monster with super strength. Obviously they can’t just let him out into into the real world so they keep the camp open and fill it with all the washouts the military has to offer. The whole charade is a giant enclosure for the US Government’s failed Frankenstein. This also explains the talking dog.” — BananaSam

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Summer’s coming, folks, and you know what that means … time to head down to the beach and enjoy your laptop, and also head to the Clubhouse in Los Feliz one week from tonight for The Internet Read Aloud, America’s favorite live comedy show about the internet!

Here’s the Facebook event, please come and enjoy the japery!

But for now, please enjoy this comment of the week:

“[2 hours later] Wait a minute … she’s getting a pillow? At the zoo?” –Kevin On Earth

And these runners up are very funny as well!

“Honestly Billy, you should just be happy that dad corrected your grammar and didn’t comment on the inanity of what you said. ‘Funner than school’? Wow, bravo, thanks for sharing your insights.” –pugfuggly

“Oh, I remember now! The train ran over me and I was killed. Next thing I knew, I was here. But is this Heaven or Hell?’ ‘We seem pretty comfortable. But maybe what’s Heaven for us is Hell for somebody else.’ [looks directly at audience]” –Peanut Gallery

“God, the Hateachothers have such a miserable relationship — having friends over, going golfing together, sharing an embrace under the stars, dining at a trendy gastropub, sitting and reading together! No wonder they need to regularly seek assistance from a marriage counselor!” –Harold

“Thank god for that sign. Otherwise, this would just be a dog grinning slyly as he watches a baby take a shit.” –Joe Blevins

“As Mary hits her control, the monitor switches from the tepid smooching of Ian and Toby to the mild hand-holding of Dawn and Jared. ‘It’s early,’ she thinks. ‘The real action won’t start till dusk.’” –Hibbleton

“Summer is a great time to be in love. It is the only time of the eons when the female desires companionship. The male of the species approaches the female. She lays her eggs. He fertilizes them. She devours his head, then leaves the nest to resume her life. In Fall, the larva hatch. What? Why you do look at me strangely with your eyeballs of gel? Is this not how mating works in your dimension?” –Dread

“Not sure what the hair’s about, but I’m thinking either ‘lacking a strong male authority figure in her life, Dawn is pursuing guys who remind her not of her dad but of Mary Worth,’ or ‘Jared killed Laura Palmer.’” –Dan

“Give a hoot? Don’t compute.” –nescio

“I’m picturing someone flipping through a zoology picture book and just laughing at page after page. Then they go to a zoo to see some real live jokes, and the next thing you know they’re doing a confessional YouTube video with poop in their hair going ‘I don’t think baboons are jokes anymore.’ And that’s how Jared knows such people really exist.” –Amelie Wikström

“Mary Worth is clearly attempting to get on the NFT bandwagon. Get your Dispirited Baboons here, only $200,000!” –Anonymous

“To be fair, 25¢ for one scoop, 60¢ for two scoops and 75¢ for three scoops is an insane pricing structure, and after taking account of the cone, one scoop is clearly the best value proposition here.” –WaitedForGodot

“[buries face in hands] [leans elbows on desk] [sighs heavily] Guys, look, I just… frozen TV dinners come in single-serve boxes with, like various ‘dishes’ in a little segmented tray. Okay? That’s just how they’re made. They’re not in a box of, I’m gonna say, ice cream cones that you then return to the freezer with, I’m gonna say, the ketchup and mustard you inexplicably keep in there. And once they’re heated, they don’t look like, I’m gonna say, oatmeal with raisins. It’s just… nothing about this works; you know that, right?” –els

“Given this is 2022, either Mr Wilson is an immortal being whose immortality stuck to old age — explaining why he is always so pissed off — or his parents were beatniks/hippies who raised him without television. Both options would actually be interesting, so neither is the case.” –Ettorre

“‘We have two more bodies at the Cougar Encounter, gonna need some tranq darts and a clean-up crew.’ ‘Christ, what is wrong with people? We put up signs warning them that they’ll encounter a cougar and they still walk right on in. I don’t know what more we can do!’” –Voshkod

“For us it’s two panels of facts about zoo animals nobody asked for. For Dawn it’s been two years of running monologue that has not stopped for one moment, day or night. Two years of ‘Did you know ketchup is alternatively spelled catsup and was superseded as world’s most popular condiment by salsa? The actual name for what you call hashtag is octotroph, you know. Guess how many nerve endings there are in the average clitoris — 8,000!’ At this point, an 80 year old hunchback in a tube top could ride by on a unicycle and Dawn would think, ‘Why not him?’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“The nice thing about that guy is that he has a really tiny mouth, so tiny that it looks like it’s painful whenever he has to open it. So he probably eats nothing but broth, which is cheap and even Dawn can heat up. He’s not just silent, he’s economical. Win-win for Dawn.” –BeckoningChasm

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!