Metapost: COTWastic
Post Content
It’s Friday, folks, and that means it’s time for YOUR … comment of the week!
“I can’t believe they bailed on alliterative fruity vape flavors after one. ONE! Come on. Cantaloupe Catastrophe, Durian Disaster, Honeydew Holocaust … do the work.” –Vice President John Adams
And your very funny runners up!
“That ‘Eat Healthy’ sign in panel 3 is foreshadowing. What could be healthier than eating an actual doctor?” –Uncle Lumpy
“What’s really confusing is why the characters in this strip are All the President’s Men-era journalists — so they’re simultaneously colorful birds and middle-aged white dudes who smoke cigars in public. I guess younger readers are supposed to say, ‘Talking birds? Print newspaper columnists? It’s all crazy!’” –BigTed
“Don’t you hate it when you go into a restaurant and the person serving you welcomes you and introduces themselves? And THEN gives you the menu, like 5 seconds later than they could have? Isn’t that the worst? No? OK, maybe its just me. Go ahead, ignore this one, go on with your day. Glad I get paid in advanced for writing these!” –Dondi’s Dad
“At a surface level, it’s a silly ‘dad-joke’ told by a cranky old man, but reread that strip while thinking about how that cranky old man is delivering that joke while not wearing any clothes. No, reread it again recalling that, canonically, that old man is probably still wearing sneakers and walked into the restaurant like that. Sometimes jokes really do benefit from context!” –pugfuggly
“Black Raven comics are really valuable, because the DC Comics lawyers had most of them pulped because of, according to the judge, ‘plagiarism made even more odious by the lack of effort to conceal it.’” –Ettorre
“The most disturbing thing about today’s Crock is that they forced a lowercase ‘i’ into their all-caps font to spell the product correctly. This implies the existence of, against all voluminous counter evidence, someone at Crock paying attention to a detail.” –nescio
“Jeffy has discovered the secret to society — that we use words to accomplish what otherwise would be done by brute force, and that social conventions are just thin veils for naked aggression. The fact that he remains undisturbed by this realization indicates how he intends to use this knowledge to further his sociopathic ends. Menace level: extreme! Oh wait, that’s the other strip. Maybe Jeffy’s blank stare just means he’s stupid.” –But What Do I Know?
“It’s clear that Mary and Dr. Jeff are meant for each other. Their conversation is so relaxed and natural and they say things like real people would.” –Tabby Lavalamp
“Another glass of gravy, dear?” –Pozzo
“I’ve just reached the horrible realisation that Blondie’s not only into her husband’s food fetish, but has actually built her life around it. Her transition from housewife to caterer seemed like a feminist step forward 30 years ago, but now it’s abundantly clear that her entire career is based on her husband’s desire to make tender love to a pot roast.” –Rosstifer
“The real menace today is Martha, who’s enabling Dennis’s playing hooky without contacting his parents. They live next door, Martha, and his mother stays at home — all you have to do is pick up the phone! Or if Alice has already left for the morning for her wine-tasting circle or whatever, you could even give Dennis a ride to school. It’s probably on the way to the grocery store, so you could do your errands at the same time. I think after all these years, we’ve finally isolated the source of dysfunction in the DtM universe, and it’s not the five-year-old kid who missed the bus!” –Thelonious_Nick
“‘Don’t let them embalm the corpse!’ joins ‘Don’t mention the autopsy photos!’ in the list of hilariously macabre phrases that make me sincerely glad the dying newspaper comic industry can’t afford editors any more.” –Schroduck
“It looks like the cop and Surf City guy are having a moment, with the staring and all. ‘I don’t know where to put my arms when I’m with you, but I love it!’” –made of wince
“Can’t wait to see Tracy’s idea of tropical attire. If he doesn’t wear the most godawful Hawaiian shirt and trunks combo imaginable, I riot.” –ectojazzmage
“I call BS. Mr. ‘Sam Scott’, if that’s his real name, is from one of those effete liberal Connecticut towns who look down on real pluggers. The joke’s on you, ‘Sam’ — no real plugger would even pretend to listen to his wife.” –Lawyerbob
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67 replies to “Metapost: COTWastic”
Congratulations to all the funny Mudges who are riding on the first float, especially Vice President John Adams! Durian Disaster for the win!
Also it has been literally years since I’ve been (just possibly) the first comment. I know it’s frowned upon to mention that and I swear I’ll never mention it again. *waves cane as pledge*
Springboard Shadow CsOTW
richardf8
January 14th, 2023 at 9:15 am Reply
@MKay: Rex Morgan: June is in an alternate reality. An army of needy senior citizens stands between her and the checkout.
——————————————————
Castle Wolfenstein: Assisted Living Facility edition!
Sequitur
January 15th, 2023 at 4:55 am Reply
@Uncle Lumpy: Rex Morgan: That “Eat Healthy” sign in panel 3 is foreshadowing. What could be healthier than eating an actual doctor?
——————————————————
A doctor a day keeps the apple away.
Calvin’s Cardboard Box
January 15th, 2023 at 11:15 am Reply
@Garrison Skunk: Shoe: “Who can take a VAP and make a vape?”
——————————————————
Who can take a vap-id day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well, its Shoe, girl, and you should know it.
With each strip and every hilarious punchline, he shows it!
Shoe is all around, no need to read it…
If you read it once, no need to repeat it…
You’ll end up with “Mary Worth” after all!
Dadadada ,,,, DAT!!!
(Throws hat in the air)
Voshkod
January 19th, 2023 at 10:02 am Reply
@Bryan: Luann: Looks like once again the trufans are in a huff because someone dared to call Inner Beauty out instead of coddling her. They seem to want everyone around Luann to treat her like the cornfield kid from The Twilight Zone. “That’s good Luann, that’s real good.“
——————————————————
Luann accidently wishes herself into the corn field, thus ending the threat forever. Rod Serling steps out from the shadows, cigarette dangling from his fingers, and says “What the hell was that?”
Sequitur
January 19th, 2023 at 12:48 pm Reply
@Lord Flatulence: Rex Morgan: New title for this comic: June Morgan, Super Nurse!
——————————————————
Well, it sure ain’t June Morgan, Supper Nurse!
Congrats to the COTW winner and runners-up, and to Poteet for getting in the #1 post.
Special Long-form Shadow CsOTW
Charterstoned
January 14th, 2023 at 5:25 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Noticing Juney Girl’s basket is missing some essential fixin’s, the helpful shopper leads the way to Aisle 7, where an abundant store of vittles and grub can be found. Pointing out the finger-lickin’-good dried gray squirrel, canned possum, and roadkill preserves, she watches to be sure June selects only the best for Rexy’s supper. At the checkout, June shrugs her shoulders and has to admit that these fixin’s are much less expensive than the filet mignon she had originally planned for that evening’s repast.
But What Do I Know?
January 15th, 2023 at 5:41 am Reply
Rex Morgan:
Rex: Mom’s been held up, but I’ll whip us up a couple of omelettes. Boys, get the eggs out of the refrigerator.
The boys approach the kitchen, and collapse onto the floor, twitching uncontrollably.
Sarah: This is a test, right, Dad? The mind-control techniques are working!
Rex: Looks like it, honey. One of these days I’ll write up my notes.
gardenornament
January 15th, 2023 at 6:49 am Reply
Phantom:
“You let us think that you were an animal!!”
“First you attacked us and tried to kill us for intruding in your cave. No human would ever do that. So of course I thought you were an animal!
You have a human body but somewhat cat-like features. Obviously an animal!
You wear clothes and are quite a natty dresser – but animals can wear clothes if a human has dressed them. And you carry a rifle and obviously know how to use it, but I suppose you could train an animal to do that.
But now I hear that you speak the Queen’s English. You’re obviously civilized! Please accept my apologies!”
My comment: the cat lady should be grateful that Diana didn’t think of parrots, or she’d still treat her as an animal.
gardenornament
January 15th, 2023 at 6:58 am Reply
Slylock Fox: Slylock should get his priorities straight: he shouldn’t bother himself with that minor case of disorderly conduct (besides, there should be lots of witnesses and Reeky’s word is absolutely worthless in court) and concentrate on the much more serious case of grand theft auto. Because where would Reeky and his friends get that nice-looking Mustang if they haven’t borrowed stolen it? Reeky lives in a decrepit trailer and is so poor that he’s reduced to stealing soda and eating strawberries out of people’s gardens, and his friends are no better off. There’s no way they could afford a car like that!
Sure, he’ll say that he’s borrowed a friend’s car. Does anybody seriously believe a jury will swallow that?
2+2=7
January 15th, 2023 at 8:30 am Reply
Mary Worth: I do love the passive-aggressive digs at Wilbur though:
Tommy: “Here’s to a great guy that loves my mom the way she deserves to be loved. Not like the fat obnoxious load she’s been stuck with for years, perpetually dragging her down.”
Everyone: “Cheers”
(beat)
Wilbur: “Hey…wait a minute…”
Charterstoned
January 16th, 2023 at 5:44 am Reply
Mary Worth: Jeff sipped his coffee as he read that day’s comics. He was trying to distract himself from last night’s disappointing end, when Mary had once again rejected his advances. Suddenly, the cup slipped from his awkward grasp, and it clattered to the floor, but not before splashing his favorite strip, Mark Trail. Quickly, he daubed at the newspaper and then stopped cold. His eyes opened wide as he scrutinized the first panel, his imagination suddenly running wild. In his mind’s eye, HE was the furry rodent, catching Mary unawares and embracing her from behind, right there on the branch—! Then, coming to himself, he shook his head in frustration. “Yes, we’re both gray as squirrels, but I still have NEEDS…!” he muttered, collecting the soggy comics page and heading guiltily for the bathroom.
Voshkod
January 17th, 2023 at 8:02 am Reply
Family Circus: “Manners? They are a social construct critical to the smooth functioning of a society. They transcend the mere concept of etiquette and become ingrained in the cultural milieu. Some become frozen in time, a zeitgeist of the past, unrecognizable but still adhered to out of a combination of fear and ignorance. Douglas would say manners are part of an ordered cosmology, that ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ are almost totemic words needed to appease an unknown but all-permeating social deity, while Elias would claim manners are shackles put upon us by the ghost of absolute monarchy. However you define it, though, I do know it’s bad manners to walk away from me before I can present you my footnotes, Dolly!”
Little Blue Bicycle
January 18th, 2023 at 6:33 am Reply
Mary Worth/Gil Thorp/Funky Winkerbean:
“Iris, this particular parasite infestation is known as Tombatiuck comicbookitis. It’s been rampant in Westview, Ohio, for years. There is no known cure. Pierre won’t die but he will become an insufferable bore, I’m afraid.”
“And the effect on humans?”
“Cancer and death. Unless this is the Karenmoyish strain. Then it’s multiple personalities, I fear. And a simultaneous loathing and lust for mayonnaise. Still the insufferable boredom part.”
“Can you tell me who I am today? And why is Gil Thorp on TV pretending to be disgraced Coach Joe Paterno?”
“Oh no, it’s worse than thought! The new Barajasian hybrid! Your multiple personalities will change abruptly from day to day with no rhyme or reason! Iris!”
“I’m Estelle! No I’m Nan!”
“911! Stat!”
Uncle Lumpy
January 18th, 2023 at 7:43 am Reply
Judge Parker:
[Gloria] “Wh- why are there so many police here tonight?”
[Receptionist] “The doctor will be with you shortly.”
[Gloria] “Why are there so many police.”
[Doctor] “This is Officer Helsner. He is a police.”
[Gloria] “What’s with all the police?”
[Duty Nurse] “Room 318, on the left.”
[Gloria] “Why are there so many police here?”
[Guard] “Go right in, Ma’am.”
[Gloria] “Any idea what all these police are doing?”
[Steve] “Gasp urk ack ack ack.”
[Gloria] “Hey, why so many police?”
[Coroner] “You can ride along if you like.”
[Gloria] “Police – why?”
[Funeral Director] “Just when did the late deceased pass away?”
[Gloria] “So many police—why?”
[Minister] Dearly beloved …
Special Extra Long-form Shadow CsOTW
Bob Tice
January 15th, 2023 at 5:16 am Reply
Rex Morgan:
“Hey, there, Juney girl
Bringin’ down the meat, so fancy-free
Nobody you meet could ever see the phoniness there
Inside you
Hey, there, Juney girl
Why do all bok choys just pass you by?
Could it be you just don’t vie
Or is it the pose you wear?
You’re always in dough, flopping, but never stopping to try
So shed those pouty tethers and buy
A little bit
Hey, there, Juney girl
There’s another Juney deep inside
Bring out all the grub you’ve tried
And oh, what a change there’d be
The world would see
A new Juney girl
[interlude]
Hey, there, Juney girl
Dreamin’ of the someone you could flee
Life is surreality
You can’t always run away
Don’t be so scared of changing and rederanging yourself
It’s time for somethin’ off of the shelf
A little bit
Hey, there, Juney girl
There’s another Juney deep inside
Bring out all the grub you’ve tried
And oh, what a change there’d be
The world would see
A new Juney girl
Hey there, Juney girl
Come on, Juney girl
Hey there, Juney girl
Wake up, Juney girl
Hey there, Juney girl
Come on, Juney girl
[fade] “
tallyHO
January 18th, 2023 at 12:46 am Reply
One of my infamous comic strip predictions:
Mary Worth:
Triggered by Mary asking him to marry her, Dr. Jeff panics and drives off the road and off of a previously unseen cliff.
He acts like he is losing control but Mary realizes it is a deliberate accident Dr. Jeff is trying to cause. She browbeats him for acting so erratic when he should steer the vehicle back onto the road. But then he reaches the cliff and it is a matter of a split second before the sporty, mini-SUV is launched into the air.
Mary yells. What else can she do at a time like that? There won’t be enough time to pepper Jeff with questions to discern why he is driving them to their doom. But that is when it hits Mary.
Doctor Jeff really, really does not want to be married to her. He would rather have paramedics scrap their remains from a previously untangled luxury vehicle than go through legally tying the knot with Mary.
It explains why they have dated for so many years and never shacked up. They each lived their separate lives while those around them lived fascinating lives worth retelling in three month bursts of comics strips. But for the dates between Doctor Jeff and Mary Worth, their times together are no more than commercials in a years-long television soap opera; short burts of annoyance to the audience; over-selling a product to the participants.
But this will be the last commercial before the show ends. Mary will meet her maker and annoy Him or Her so much so she is sent packing back to be reincarnated as a racoon forced to meddle with garbage cans and hoping to be befriended by the renowned cat Heathcliff.
Right before the SUV hits the rocks below, Doctor Jeff presses a button on the dashboard. There is a loud burst, a cloud of dust ills the cab, and the roof pops off of the car. Jeff strapped in his seat is jettisoned and flies upward as the car continues to fall, fall, fall. Meanwhile Jeff is fying higher and higher before a parachute pops out of the headrest and Doctor Jeff slowly descends allowing him to look upon the smoldering, unrecognizable wreckage being approached by the weak slaps of the surf like ocean don’t even want to touch that hot mess.
Jeff figures by the time he gently lands on the sandy beach he will have enough time to come up with an alibi.
I am pretty sure that Wednesday’s strip will start this ball rolling.
Voshkod
January 19th, 2023 at 6:44 am Reply
Dick Tracy:
Dick stepped out of the oppressive heat of a Florida winter into the wall of icy air that meant death. One thing about a morgue, he thought to himself, is that they don’t stint on the air conditioning. His steely eyes settled on a pasty fat man behind a desk, and Tracy’s immaculately polished shoes clicked with the sound of a safety sliding back as he walked over the cool white tile. “Tracy, New Chicago PD,” he growled, flashing his badge just long enough to impress, but not long enough for anyone to register his ID number or full name. “Looking for a floater, killed with a spear gun. Show me what you have.”
The fat man looked up without any particular interest. “Sorry, man, we don’t have anyone like that. Got a vacationer drowned on their own vomit, two oxy deaths, a GSW to the head, and a meat crayon that didn’t wear a helmet.”
Tracy reached down and grabbed the attendant by the collar, hauling him out of his chair as his paunch suddenly spilled out of his shirt and on to the desk, as pallid as the dead flesh he guarded. “Don’t get wise with me, sonny boy, my informant tells me to find a speargun death in Panama City and I’m going to find one. Or make one, wise guy.”
A note of panic rising in his voice, the morgue attendant said “You know there’s a Panama City in Panama, right?”
Tracy’s grip tightened, and his knuckles turned white. “Don’t lecture me on Panama, I know more about Panama than David Lee Roth.” He leaned over to his wrist genie and whispered “Is there a Panama City in Panama?”
Daisy
January 19th, 2023 at 10:12 am Reply
Pluggers: Tony the tiger’s decline was slow and inevitable. He was once the terror of the jungle, his vivid black and orange fur, his huge paws making hardly a sound on the turf as he stalked his prey, his keen nose, eyes and ears ever alert, the awe inspiring roar that could be heard for miles…and his fangs – those dreaded fangs that caused one’s heart to stop at the sight of them…but the Humans came, and encroached on his once-wild realm, and he was reduced to being a cereal mascot. Cereal!!! Felines don’t eat processed, sugary cereal, he inwardly screamed! Then, he begin to see a way out…the Pluggers came!! He would erase the stripes, adapt to wearing cheap human clothing (on sale at K-Mart), file down his breathtaking canine teeth and…voila! He was the perfect humanimal! But…he was still a carnivore at heart, and in order to fully fit in with Plugger society, he had to constantly suppress his urge to kill…kill…KILL! AND EAT!!! It was so hard, especially when in the presence of Sheila Roo and Henrietta Beak…but he did it. Somehow, he did it. And he smiled. “Look at them choppers,” he thought as he posed for the camera.
Special Extra Extra Long-form Shadow COTW
Charterstoned
January 18th, 2023 at 8:34 am Reply
Mary Worth:
The black sedan screeched to a halt in front of of Santa Royale’s PathoLogik Laboratory as the passenger door swung open and a middle-aged, bespectacled man jumped out. He was carrying a metal box with the ominous bright-orange words “ACTIVE PARASITE” clearly visible on the side. Without waiting for the driver to join him, the man rushed into the building, holding the box protectively.
He took a quick sweep of his surroundings before proceeding further, unwilling to sacrifice caution for the urgency his errand demanded. The antiseptic interior was not unlike some others the man had seen in his work, but this particular lab seemed oddly out of date. A broad expanse of white walls and tiled floors was relieved only by the gray metal reception desk. The matching swivel chair was vacant. The man recognized this furniture as relics from the 1950s, heady days of the Cold War when nuclear attacks had awakened dangerous pathogens that sparked mutations in men and beasts alike.
There was one interior door emblazoned with the warning “AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY!” which opened even before he could reach the desk, and a white-coated woman hurriedly entered the reception area. The man was immediately alert, for even the woman seemed to be a throw-back to an earlier decade. Harsh light from the ceiling cast an eerie illumination on her pale face, making her appear almost ghostly. In the glare of those lights, her red appeared as black as the thick cat-eye glasses she wore. Her hair was pulled back from her face, the blond tresses confined into a severe knot at the nape of her neck. He couldn’t tell if she was attractive or not, but he suspected that under the shapeless lab coat, and without the glasses, and with the hair taken down–but he didn’t have time to think about that. The box he held was of extreme importance.
“I need to have this analyzed immediately,” he began, as the woman looked at him expectantly. She had not asked him, “Can I help you?” He saw the ID pinned to her chest and leaned in. “Miss Carter. This is of the utmost urgency.”
“I’m afraid we have only one lab technician here today,” she replied indifferently. “You can leave the box if you like, but we won’t be able to process your sample today. Perhaps not even this week.” She sat in the chair and swiveled to face him. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t understand. This is a sample from the Santa Royale vet’s office. It contains LIVE PARASITES that must be identified immediately. Your lab is the only one within 2,000 miles that has the Nuclear Microscope! I must see your technician NOW!”
At the mention of Santa Royale, the receptionist had instinctively pushed back from the desk. “You–you don’t mean ANIMAL HOSPITAL?! Does it have a picture of a dog and a cat in the window?”
“They’re two silhouettes on the shade,” the man corrected. “But yes, that’s the one. NOW do you understand?”
He was addressing her back as she fumbled with the key to the door. In an instant, she had disappeared into the back and the door once again was locked behind her. The man held the box, increasingly agitated by the delay. The phone on the desk began to ring, but no one picked up, and the woman did not come back to answer it. Only after several moments, when the ringing stopped, did she return. This time she held the door open. “You’d better come in. Come quickly! The lab tech is prepared to take the specimen for examination.”
The man carried the box protectively as he followed the woman, past cages containing monkeys, iguanas, rabbits, and bats, down a long corridor that was flanked by doors with small barred windows. He wondered what creatures were held within, but couldn’t stop to satisfy his curiosity. Once or twice he thought he heard human voices, anguished whispers and low, pleading moans, but he had no time to investigate. The box–or more precisely, what was IN the box–was too important.
A tall man with graying temples turned to face him as he was led into the main lab. In this enormous room, the Nuclear Microscope occupied fully half of the space, all of its many parts focused on a single point beneath a lens that seemed innocuous enough. But the man knew he was looking at the world’s most advanced nuclear instrument. It would take that, and more, to determine what it was he held in his arms.
The man with the graying temples gingerly accepted the box, and placing it on a metal lab table unlocked it and removed the lid. It was almost as if he expected what was inside to explode in his face, he worked so delicately. But he was no stranger to dangerous parasites, and although he worked quickly, he made no careless moved as he extracted the sample and placed it on the glass slide. Then, after working several knobs, he activated the nuclear reactor with a flip of a switch behind a protective cover, and when the alarms and buzzers had quieted, he leaned into the eyepiece to look at the sample. He saw at once that the man’s concerns had been justified.
He straightened, and fixed the man with a penetrating stare. “Where did you say these parasites were found?”
The man replied at once. “They were located on a dog. The dog lives in a condo building filled with people and even some other pets….what can you tell me?”
“I don’t need to tell you anything. You only need to look at what has been unleashed on Santa Royale.” The gray-haired lab technician invited the man to look through the eyepiece.
The man leaned in. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust, and he moved the focusing knob fractionally until the sample came into view. “My god,” he whispered. “My god, there are millions of them! What are they?”
“There’s no scientific name for them yet, because their existence has only recently been acknowledged by the scientific community. What we do know is that they are voracious, mindless, and deadly. They spread like wildfire and infect anything and everything they touch. No interaction with these things is safe. They will destroy everything in their path: conversations, karaoke performances, entire relationships. For lack of a better term, I’ve been calling them Nano-Wilburs.”
“My god. What can we do? Should we call in the FBI? The army? What can stop them?”
The gray-haired man turned off the nuclear microscope and the room shuddered as the instrument powered down. “I’m afraid there’s nothing we CAN do. But pray.”
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 1
MKay
January 14th, 2023 at 4:39 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: That ALWAYS happens when I have a jar of tar in the fridge. So annoying.
BigTed
January 14th, 2023 at 4:39 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “Pickin’ up fixin’s for supper?” Speaking of the Smifs, Aunt Tildy’s Loweezy impression is getting better all the time.
nescio
January 14th, 2023 at 5:23 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: An allegory of the Exxon Valdez spill with Dennis as Captain Joseph Hazelwood?
Lionheart
January 14th, 2023 at 5:42 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: “Squid ink pasta is so good!” Henry told Alice. “We should try making some, sometime. What’s the worst that can happen?” Alice mused in reply.
made of wince
January 14th, 2023 at 6:23 am Reply
Snuffy Smith: I don’t want to cut this one out for the refrigerator door. It belongs on my coffin door, obviously.
ectojazzmage
January 14th, 2023 at 6:32 am Reply
Rex Morgan: This is actually all leading up to an arc where all the constant interruptions and minor medical nuisances drive June Morgan over the edge and she goes on a killing spree whilst her husband sits at home and tries to avoid speaking to his children.
Peanut Gallery
January 14th, 2023 at 7:47 am Reply
Snuffy Smith: “In other news, forthrightness needs an emergency appendectomy, generosity broke out in a rash no one seems to be able to identify, and integrity has a nasty yeast infection.”
Peanut Gallery
January 14th, 2023 at 7:53 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “The count and I are doin’ just fine, Juney girl. We haven’t seen you and Rexy in a while.”
“We are busy with the clinicky and the kidsy and allsy.”
Professor Well Actually
January 14th, 2023 at 8:06 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: Does blood pudding come in tubs?
Chance
January 14th, 2023 at 9:06 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Did Sartre write this Rex Morgan story arc? Surely there’s some way out of that grocery store that doesn’t involve continually encountering irksome people that reflect your worst qualities.
Artist formerly known as Ben
January 14th, 2023 at 11:44 am Reply
Rex Morgan: After “Rexy” and “pickin’” and “fixins” June needs to get away before her blood reaches hazardous levels of folksiness.
Poteet
January 14th, 2023 at 6:50 pm Reply
Rex Morgan: “Juney girl, just an idea, I could take your groceries to your house and make dinner for Rexy and the kids myself if you wanted to pay a visit to a hairdresser now. Right now. You know, I’m just sayin’.
Scratchy Scrotum LXIX
January 15th, 2023 at 4:43 am Reply
Rex Morgan, MILF Diver: I initially thought that wall of text to begin the strip was the nutrition information on a can of prunes June was buying, so I didn’t read it. When I finally did read it, I thought the nutrition information on a can of prunes would have been more interesting.
Hibbleton
January 15th, 2023 at 4:47 am Reply
Mark Trail: So Mark, do these drugged addicted squirrels have their own rehab centers or do they share beds with human patients in places like the Betty Ford Center?
pugfuggly
January 15th, 2023 at 4:50 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Love how the Morgan kids run to the door just like the dogs when dinner time comes around. Presumably June was just going to buy a valu-pack of chuck steak and start tossing meat as soon as she came in the door.
Charterstoned
January 15th, 2023 at 4:54 am Reply
Mary Worth: For a wedding, this event sure is showcasing an impressive array of ill-fitting, out-of-date, and poorly coordinated attire. It looks like the guests all scored their outfits at the same local thrift store, just before the ceremony.
MKay
January 15th, 2023 at 5:35 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Doctors and nurses may never really be off-duty, but the Morgans’ milk of human kindness drained away some time ago.
ectojazzmage
January 15th, 2023 at 6:30 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “Heh, guess your mother’s gonna be a little late, kids” says Rex as he feels around for an appropriately heavy object to use to beat his children to death so he doesn’t have to share what little food they have left in the kitchen. He doesn’t like it, but in such dreaded dark times as your wife being slightly late with the groceries, a man really doesn’t have much option if he doesn’t want to starve.
oldgold
January 15th, 2023 at 6:32 am Reply
Judge Parker: This plot has more holes than a prairie dog town.
TheDiva
January 15th, 2023 at 7:59 am Reply
Luann: Man, how bad at computers do you have to be if Luann can solve your IT issue?
TheDiva
January 15th, 2023 at 7:59 am Reply
Mark Trail: I want an entire arc of “Mark Trail vs. Attack Squirrel” now.
2+2=7
January 15th, 2023 at 8:12 am Reply
Rex Morgan: You kinda have to feel for Aunt Tilly* given that she’s the one character in this strip that even the Morgan’s find too dull and irritating to waste time on.
*Actually, no you don’t.
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 2
2+2=7
January 15th, 2023 at 8:12 am Reply
Rex Morgan: June: “I’m sorry I don’t have time to chat, Aunt Tilly, but that whole six minutes I spent offering the most minor level of help exhausted my allowance for basic human interaction for the month, so I’m past my limit.”
Garrison Skunk
January 15th, 2023 at 10:07 am Reply
Shoe: Who can take a VAP and make a vape? It’s elementary for Silent E.
Peanut Gallery
January 15th, 2023 at 3:17 pm Reply
Jungle Jim: As her plane fades into the distance, Jim is overwhelmed with a strange feeling that he will never see Lil again. Maybe it was the careless way she had said good-bye. Or maybe it was the way the landing gear had fallen off the plane right after takeoff.
MKay
January 16th, 2023 at 4:47 am Reply
Mary Worth: I would think the trip home would be spent discussing who might need meddling in the near future; fashion victims, roving eyes and not least, Wilbur’s mad-doctor scheme for eventual romantic triumph.
Merry Mirth
January 16th, 2023 at 5:13 am Reply
Mary Worth: Second chances are good.
Jeff’s chances are not good.
Tony
January 16th, 2023 at 6:20 am Reply
Crankshaft: “I must have missed a comic book when I sold my old comic books to the owner of that comic shop in Comicview where they comic in comicomicomicomiccccccc”
Lillian.exe has stopped working
Tyler
January 16th, 2023 at 6:36 am Reply
Luanne, Luanne: An erotic journey from Pittsville High to an unspecified, easily commutable distance away from Pittsville High.
Weaselboy
January 16th, 2023 at 6:42 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Honestly, I’m not loving this Waiting for Godot reboot.
taig
January 16th, 2023 at 6:46 am Reply
Luann: Luann is interested in Starfleet cosplay or mustard, and I honestly don’t know which one it could be.
Dan
January 16th, 2023 at 7:07 am Reply
Crankshaft: The Centerville town hall has a box labeled “break in case of Funky Winkerbean cancellation.” Inside is a giant pile of silver age comics, and a bag full of cigarettes and asbestos.
Professor Well Actually
January 16th, 2023 at 8:49 am Reply
Luann: Our hero apparently has absolutely no interests nor a single intelligent thought passing through her empty head. She’s the stupidest of the American Girl dolls.
2+2=7
January 16th, 2023 at 9:18 am Reply
Dustin: I am so pissed, y’all! Once again, Dustin ruins a perfectly promising storyline. Like I should be ecstatic that the odious, hateful father is finally getting the humiliation and comeuppance he deserve, and yet everyone else has reacted with such out-of-proportion cruel insufferability and pouty assholishness about this mild case of mid-life crisis that I can’t even properly enjoy his long-awaited downfall. Way to spoil things, guys!
Finder of Lost Gloves
January 16th, 2023 at 11:28 am Reply
Crankshaft: Very interesting. If you take a picture of the second panel of today’s Crankshaft, invert it, then hold it upside down to a mirror, you see an image of Lisa.
Charterstoned
January 17th, 2023 at 4:34 am Reply
Mark Trail: Huh. After yesterday’s hot action, I expected to see that squirrel smoking a cigarette.
MKay
January 17th, 2023 at 4:35 am Reply
Rex Morgan: From sheer spite, Rex is standing between his children and the only banana left.
gardenornament
January 17th, 2023 at 4:36 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: I’m a bit concerned about the visiting lady’s blue lips. Is she cyanotic? Does Alice look so pensive because she’s waiting for the first signs that the cyanide she put in her coffee is starting to take effect? The real menace here is not Dennis’s silly blather, but the fact that his mother, the serial killer, is about to pull of yet another murder.
Uncle Lumpy
January 17th, 2023 at 4:39 am Reply
Six Chix turned into Pac-Man so fast I barely noticed.
Old School Allie Cat
January 17th, 2023 at 4:44 am Reply
Family Circus: Jeffy may be a waste of air, but I bet he could win a limbo contest.
Kevin On Earth
January 17th, 2023 at 4:49 am Reply
Mary Worth: Mary: “I still never get tired of attending them”
[4 weeks later] Mary: “What was the name of the couple at this one?”
Dr. Jeff: “Doesn’t matter” [glances approvingly at looted wedding gifts on back seat]
Inspector Gotcha
January 17th, 2023 at 5:16 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “Fer chrissakes, first I gotta help two stupid old people, and now I gotta feed three spoiled little shits who are probably having a meltdown because I’m 20 minutes late. Fuck this, I’m stopping at a bar.”
Philip
January 17th, 2023 at 5:45 am Reply
Crankshaft: Komix Korner is upstairs, as is Lillian’s Shop. Will will find out that during “The Burnings” the roving bands of marauders could be stopped simply by a set a stairs? Or will it be the robots are defensive protectors of the published word?
Ukulele Ike
January 17th, 2023 at 6:06 am Reply
Judge Parker: Being rude to the desk staff at medical centers always pays off! Hey, Gloria, tell them you want to see the manager.
pastordan
January 17th, 2023 at 6:19 am Reply
Crankshaft: “HELLO WELCOME TO KOMIX KORNER. I WEEP FOR HUMANITY.”
“Oh?”
“I HAVE MET THE ONE YOU CALL ‘CRANKSHAFT.’ WOULD YOU LIKE A SILVER-AGE COMIC BOOK?”
ectojazzmage
January 17th, 2023 at 6:38 am Reply
Crankshaft: Lillian is one of those mildly-senile racist grandmas who still gets panicked around robots and thinks it’s okay to make offensive comments about “clankers” in normal conversation or act like a bitch over human-robot relationships.
Guillermo el chiclero
January 17th, 2023 at 7:14 am Reply
Family Circus: The only times I sympathize with Jeffy is when he gives Dolly the “Go tell someone who gives a shit, bitch” look.
Liam
January 17th, 2023 at 7:23 am Reply
Luann: Mrs. Horner was married to a man named Jack who liked to stick his thumb into pies.
Jacob Mattingly
January 17th, 2023 at 9:46 am Reply
Mary Worth: Mary you’ve been dating this man since The Nixon Adminstration, either marry him so he can be slightly less miserable than he is now or take him out back and shoot him like you’ve been planning to since the Carter Adminstration but just can’t get the condo board to sign off on.
Garrison Skunk
January 17th, 2023 at 1:14 pm Reply
Mary Worth: Mary and Dr. Jeff drive home past Mark Trail, “Say, Mary, do those squirrels give you any naughty ideas?” “Squirrel Squares for two?” Jeff flashes his sarcasm sign.”Right, Mary, exactly.”
jroggs
January 18th, 2023 at 4:49 am Reply
Blondie: “What would I do for a Yankee pot roast? I would drag my tongue through a mile of broken glass just to sniff the discarded inedible remains of the animal that pot roast came from.”
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 3
MKay
January 18th, 2023 at 4:54 am Reply
Mary Worth: Thank God we’re off Iris. Oh, wait. Estelle has changed her name to Iris.
Hibbleton
January 18th, 2023 at 5:04 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: IDK, establishing plausible deniability eating cookies with an old lady while your toady, Joey, burns down the school seems pretty menacing.
jroggs
January 18th, 2023 at 5:09 am Reply
Mary Worth: The Iris story continues on, and it looks like marriage has already stripped the mentally-fragile newlywed of her scant remaining sanity as the former Ms. Beedie has stolen her neighbor Estelle’s pets and hair.
Ettorre
January 18th, 2023 at 5:38 am Reply
Blondie: We are very thankful that the artist drew Dagwood with BOTH his hands on the keyboard.
Hergen
January 18th, 2023 at 5:42 am Reply
Gasoline Alley: Screw the halo, I’m more interested in Hipster Santa’s panel 1 man-bun.
Looks like we can expect tiny bottles of artisanal gin, blocky spectacles and hand-made Javan bicycle clips in 2023’s stockings.
Scratchy Scrotum LXIX
January 18th, 2023 at 5:44 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: Dennis steals a wisecrack from Office Space. Next he’ll be stealing pennies from the tray for the crippled children. Menace level is Miltonesque.
taig
January 18th, 2023 at 5:49 am Reply
Gil Thorp: I feel like I’ve missed several days’ worth of exposition leading up to this situation. Or, I suppose since this is nuThorpe, one panel.
taig
January 18th, 2023 at 6:04 am Reply
Family Circus: Great, Jeffy has created the glyphs that summon one of the Great Old Ones. Again.
gardenornament
January 18th, 2023 at 6:27 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “CRASHHHHHH!” With a hissing noise, the speeding car hits and punctures a car-shaped ad balloon, deflating it completely. June will be relieved when she finds out that its horribly mangled occupant is just an inflatable rubber doll, which requires no medical attention.
Liam
January 18th, 2023 at 6:47 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Not the sort of prostitution Gil imagined he would be doing.
ectojazzmage
January 18th, 2023 at 6:51 am Reply
Dennis The Menace: This is officially the point where this strip should just be renamed “Dennis.”
Dunkelcopter
January 18th, 2023 at 8:56 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Well no wonder his marriage is on the rocks. Gil’s about to leave Mimi for Joe Exotic! Can’t say I was expecting this, but his new crime and animal adventures should be… really boring because he’s still Gil?
2+2=7
January 18th, 2023 at 9:03 am Reply
Mary Worth: I suspect there is going to be one fatter, balder parasite that’s going to be particularly hard to kill, Doc.
Navigator
January 18th, 2023 at 10:00 am Reply
Blondie: Bold of you to assume Dagwood’s roastfic centers around eroticism with the roast itself, and not brutal violence against innocent third parties.
Artist formerly known as Ben
January 18th, 2023 at 1:57 pm Reply
Gil Thorp: Okay, Foxy, apparently no one has taken you aside and told you this before, but it needs to be said. The full list of men who can pull off the Hulk Hogan look runs as follows:
1) Hulk Hogan
Lord Flatulence
January 18th, 2023 at 2:56 pm Reply
Phantom: When the Bandar come a callin’, the guards they be a fallin’.
Hibbleton
January 19th, 2023 at 4:41 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “Injuries? There are no injuries. I need an ambulance to cut through traffic and deliver a pizza to the Morgan residence, STAT!”
Hibbleton
January 19th, 2023 at 4:58 am Reply
Mary Worth: “For the past few months, I’ve thought about you, Stell, and wondered how you’ve been doing. Then I thought about your pets’ parasites and wondered how Wilbur’s been doing. It’s funny how these things work.”
jroggs
January 19th, 2023 at 5:11 am Reply
Mary Worth: In case anyone forgot who the dumbest person in Santa Royale is after a year of exposure to intellectual powerhouses like Toby Cameron, Dawn Weston, and Zak Cougarsimp, today is your helpful reminder.
Ukulele Ike
January 19th, 2023 at 5:23 am Reply
Judge Parker: “Kingdom Hall was already booked for the evening, so we’re hosting the annual Policeman’s Ball here at the hospital. May I have the next foxtrot?”
Uncle Lumpy
January 19th, 2023 at 5:35 am Reply
Judge Parker: Gloria’s “What’s happening?!?” speaks for us all.
George the Archon
January 19th, 2023 at 5:57 am Reply
Pluggers: Speaking of choppers, that, well, plentiful set on display makes me concerned that 9CL has somehow broken containment and is… spreading. Look out for for an incoming ‘Pluggers have extremely long legs’ as the next level of infection, I guess?
pastordan
January 19th, 2023 at 5:59 am Reply
Pluggers: Cheese? Choppers? Finally, a Pluggers from Wiscon—California? They don’t even make Harley-Davidsons there!
Peanut Gallery
January 19th, 2023 at 6:43 am Reply
Pluggers: Then the cat vanished quite slowly, ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of him had gone. “Must be a Cheshire Cheese Cat,” thought Alice.
TheDiva
January 19th, 2023 at 7:19 am Reply
Mark Trail: I’m not seeing a horseshoe; it looks more like a polyp on the river’s colon.
Francisco Arrowroot
January 19th, 2023 at 7:37 am Reply
Pluggers: When a plugger says he has a new set of choppers, he doesn’t mean the kitchen gadgets that chop up vegetables, because pluggers don’t eat vegetables.
Peanut Gallery
January 19th, 2023 at 10:50 am Reply
Rex Morgan: I finally figured out what’s going on with this story. Beatty is responding to complaints about the lack of medical content by cramming a year’s worth of medical issues into a couple of weeks. Then he can spend the rest of 2023 on his true passions, roots country music and boredom.
Daily Shadow CsOTW
Saturday
————
Ukranazi Stepan
January 14th, 2023 at 4:37 am Reply
Snuffy Smith: Chivalry, Civility, and Honesty are horses at the local race track, and Snuffy had money riding on all three of them.
anon3.0
January 14th, 2023 at 5:52 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: “Why can’t you just take the eggs out of the fridge and put them back in like those nice Morgan boys?”
Sunday
———-
BigTed
January 15th, 2023 at 4:40 am Reply
Mark Trail: This is amazing — Mark spent his entire Sunday strip warning us not to drug wild squirrels and train them to attack people. I mean, it’s not as if “attack squirrels” are an actual trend! Except… now that I’ve read about them, I want one. Darn you, Mark, you’ve turned me toward the path of evil yet again!
Guillermo el chiclero
January 15th, 2023 at 7:09 am Reply
Mary Worth: To finish his speech, Tommy asks, “By the way, who the hell licked half the icing off the wedding cake?” while Wilbur asks, “Why is everyone staring at me?”
Monday
———–
Ukulele Ike
January 16th, 2023 at 6:29 am Reply
Mark Trail: The initial response of “Jesus, that’s a helluva huge fire for s’mores” distracted me from the fucking squirrels. My Smokey Bear instincts trump my rodent voyeurism; who’d a thunk it?
gardenornament
January 16th, 2023 at 10:41 am Reply
Luann: If Luann becomes a little too enthusiastic with her “research” she may produce a book on the lines of “The Adventures of a Butt-Watcher: Copping a Feel and Beating the Sexual Harrassment Lawsuit.”
Tuesday
———–
Flipper
January 17th, 2023 at 8:37 am Reply
Crankshaft: If Lillian ends up getting rich from selling the comic book, she could finally hire someone to spit on her sister Lucy’s grave for her.
Sequitur
January 17th, 2023 at 9:01 am Reply
Aunty Acid: A people blower? Hmm. Hey, Ms. Acid, there’s this gal over in the Luann strip who lives in dorm. Her name is Stef…
Wednesday
—————
TheDiva
January 18th, 2023 at 7:49 am Reply
Rex Morgan: How much longer does June have before her kids go full Donner Party and cannibalize Rex out of extreme hunger? I’m guessing ten minutes.
Old Man Shadow
January 18th, 2023 at 8:00 am Reply
Blondie: The Book of Dagwood…within its pages the reader would find the grotesquery, the horror, the profane acts and rituals so described in painstakingly intricately details expressing the pain, suffering, and viscera of the victims he would sacrifice for food to fill the void within…the Great Old One Cthulhu would lay his many eyes upon this work of insanity and oblivion and say, “Whoa there, Buddy…this is too much for me.”
Thursday
————
Mysterion
January 19th, 2023 at 4:56 am Reply
Dick Tracy: “On second thought, I’m flying Southwest. Better tell them to just go ahead and embalm that corpse now…”
Horace Broon
January 19th, 2023 at 11:40 am Reply
Phantom: “Dammit, she’s shooting someone, isn’t she? I took my eyes off her for a second!”
Shadow COTW
——————
Rube
January 18th, 2023 at 10:21 am Reply
Luann: “Sweety, you’re in the prime of life. Write about your experiences: You know, staggering out of a bar, full of vodka sodas, right into a mess of aggressive panhandlers. Smoking a huge blunt that you didn’t know your friends had laced. Banging a dude and him asking if you mind if his buddy joins in.”
“Uh…one time I was in and art course with a nude model. I didn’t look, though.”
Congratulations to my favorite vice president (only because I once had a booty call with a woman named Adams although I don’t know if she was related). Also to the Floaters and Shadowers, and thanks Baja.
BTW, regarding Mennonite comments toward the end of the regular thread today, I didn’t know that Loweezy Smif says Land O’Goshen since I only read that one when Josh features it. Regarding the austerity of anabaptists, the Amish are austere, I’m not that sure about the Hutterites, and the Mennonites (especially me) are less so.
Theology aside, here are the Scroters for the week:
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I speak Jive
January 7th, 2023 at 10:26 am Reply
JP – This is a train wreck, clusterfuck, and just plain terrible writing all in one.
God, I loathe this strip. I hate all of the characters. I despise the “writing,” which appears to be pulled from the writer’s ass one panel at a time. I don’t hate the artwork, but it would be helpful if the female characters looked slightly different so we could tell them apart.
If April shows up or is even mentioned, I’m out.
Professor Well Actually
January 7th, 2023 at 11:29 am Reply
JP: I’m entirely lost as to the time-line here. Is this still the same day as the shootout? Shouldn’t all bodies lettering the Duncan place be drawing a lot of attention by now?
Liam
January 7th, 2023 at 4:36 am Reply
Sally Forth-At least Ted isn’t saying where the ‘Judge Parker’ stories are being pulled from.
Hibbleton
January 7th, 2023 at 5:27 am Reply
MW: Sounds innocuous enough until you realize Wilbur’s inner voice is that of Vladimir Putin.
Ukranazi Stepan
January 7th, 2023 at 5:34 am Reply
“Be happy, Iris….while you still can. Muhahahahahahaha. Wait, did I think that out loud?”
Rosstifer
January 7th, 2023 at 6:07 am Reply
Why the fuck was Wilbur invited?
Everything Is Better With Monkeys
January 7th, 2023 at 6:40 am Reply
MW – I’ve always questioned Iris’ intelligence, but the lack of an Oxford comma in her anodyne vows is the last straw.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Inspector Gotcha
January 7th, 2023 at 5:46 am Reply
GT: Whoa, Henry has introduced a little overt girl-on-girl canoodling to the funnies. Pluggerdom isn’t going to like this, Henry. They’re not going to like it at all.
Weaselboy
January 7th, 2023 at 7:16 am Reply
GT – I can’t think of a better place to have a bonfire than in the middle of a forest.
Baja Gaijin
January 7th, 2023 at 5:51 am Reply
Luann: The missing words are “masturbating together.”
Danielakiiki
January 7th, 2023 at 7:53 am Reply
Luann- Luann just realized that her mom and Bernice eat at the Y, didn’t she?
Blondie– I guess it wasn’t smart for Dag to synch up his phone with his butt plug.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cheech wizard
January 7th, 2023 at 6:29 am Reply
DtM – That’s no snow angel – Dennis was boning Gina in the snow. I don’t know if that’s menacing or just damn impressive for a second grader.
Dirty DancingSequiturJanuary 7th, 2023 at 7:28 am Reply
@1 BigTed:
Dustin: Dustin’s mom hasn’t wanted to see her husband’s pole in years.
Much less vault with it.
Maude R. Fawker
January 7th, 2023 at 7:59 am Reply
Dustin: Say you want a blow job without saying you want a blow job.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pugfuggly
January 8th, 2023 at 4:45 am Reply
Marvin I don’t think Granny’s expression had anything to do either the weather, she probably just peed and/or pooped herself. This is Marvin, I think we can just assume that every strip ends with that, whether it has anything to do with the punchline or not.
Ettorre
January 8th, 2023 at 6:32 am Reply
“Oh yeah, if climate change is real, how come we had the biggest snowstorm ever in my made-up world? Checkmate Greta!”
Kunfy Binkerwean
January 8th, 2023 at 1:01 pm Reply
Marvin: you can’t convince me that the first draft of this didn’t have the word “shit” for “snow”
BigTed
January 8th, 2023 at 4:37 am Reply
Marvin: What’s strange isn’t that the snow has reached the level of their fourth-floor apartment, but that Marvin has already peed his name in it.
Rex Morgan: If you’re feeling a little dizzy in the supermarket, is the first person you’d ask for help some random lady kneeling in front of the cheese section? I mean, it should be easy enough to find an employee to help and… oh, wait, never mind — it’s impossible to track down a supermarket employee when you need one, because this has just turned into a Pluggers joke.
gardenornament
January 8th, 2023 at 9:02 am Reply
RMMD: This isn’t the first time June regrets her choice of profession. She chose nursing because she’d be’d generally admired as a life-savier, get to wear a sexy uniform, and have access to plenty of eligible doctors to marry. She hadn’t really counted on having to help people all the time. What’s the matter with all these people? Can’t they see that she’s busy shopping, and have their accidents or fall ill somewhere else?
Dennis Jimenez
January 8th, 2023 at 6:28 am Reply
RMMD – Oh – Saint June will be inundated with hangnails and carbuncles until in exasperation she screams for them to heal themselves. Then they’ll make a rock musical about her….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
cheech wizard
January 8th, 2023 at 6:40 am Reply
MW – People are looking at him because one of them is about to stand up and yell “Yeah! She used to fuck Wilbur! If that ain’t a dealbreaker, I don’t know what is!”
Baja Gaijin
January 8th, 2023 at 7:04 am Reply
Mary Worth: Needs some of those Gil Thorp sound effects, like “Snatch” over Iris’ crotch, “Erection!” over Zak’s crotch and a “Deflated!” over Wilbur’s.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ukranazi Stepan
January 9th, 2023 at 4:59 am Reply
Wary Morth:
Yak:
“…you’re my GPS…my fold out map…”
Merry Mirth
January 9th, 2023 at 5:38 am Reply
It looks like Mary and Jeff are fighting over who gets to lead. We know how this will end.
MKay
January 9th, 2023 at 4:40 am Reply
RMMD: How many more HIPAA violations can helpful June commit at the grocery store?
“Hey, pharmacist! This man needs his boner pills, NOW!”
“Quick! Check out this woman’s anti-diarrheal before she craps herself again!”
Hibbleton
January 9th, 2023 at 5:04 am Reply
@MKay:
RMMD: How many more HIPAA violations can helpful June commit at the grocery store?
The possibilities are endless:
“Get this girl in the white pantsuit a maxi pad, Stat!”
“You! This boy needs a rectal thermometer, NOW!”
Inspector Gotcha
January 9th, 2023 at 5:37 am Reply
RMMD: “Sorry, you’ll have to go through check-out first. This ain’t no charity hospital.”
TheDiva
January 9th, 2023 at 7:13 am Reply
RMMD: Depressed Grocery Store Clerk Who’s Not Being Paid Enough to Deal With Even This Mild Drama is my favorite character in the arc so far.
brendancalling
January 9th, 2023 at 5:18 am Reply
If you’re not reading Luann Trufan comments today, you are missing out, because it really IS an Incelebration today, as everyone’s favorite gang of shut-ins, sex-averse weirdoes, sex-obsessed weirdoes, and sex-ashamed weirdos share their deepest thoughts and most intimate secrets…
lvlax about 7 hours ago
How would Bernice even know what her mom reads? She hasn’t spent time with her in ages.
And maybe Bernice’s mother enjoys reading erotica, in private, and she has no clue about it.
Luann is asking the wrong question. She should ask Bernice how she would feel if her mother, secretly, gave her lusty novels to read. I somehow don’t think she’d be happy.
Bernice is smart, though. She sucks up to Nancy, to keep getting free rent and meals.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Guy
January 9th, 2023 at 10:32 am Reply
GT: Meh. Extracurricular drunk driving and possible fatalities.
Anonymous
January 9th, 2023 at 5:19 am Reply
Crankshaft : is wearing powder blue instead of his usual red, and the black bus driver is drawn as the whitest person sitting at the table.
One week. That’s how long it took for GoComics Coloring to make Gil-Thorpe-Grade mistakes.
gardenornament
January 9th, 2023 at 6:14 am Reply
Dustin: The level of passive aggression in this comic just hit record levels. Roll over, Lockhorns!
Bitter Scribe
January 9th, 2023 at 1:58 pm Reply
I’m sure someone has already said this, but…
Pole-vaulting?
POLE-VALUTING?
When has ANY overweight, sedentary middle-aged American man ever woken up and said, “I want to take pole-vaulting lessons!” I mean, a track and field event is suddenly a way to deal with midlife crises?
Skydiving might have made sense, but pole-vaulting as some sort of adult recreational activity is just bizarre.
And with the inflated landing pit, it isn’t even all that dangerous! Especially if your ratio of upper-body strength to weight is so low that you’ll never make it more than a few feet off the ground, as is palpably the case with this guy.
Voshkod
January 9th, 2023 at 2:30 pm Reply
@Bitter Scribe: He’s a lawyer; he’s just looking for a local pole-vaulting establishment that’s reckless enough to let him try to pole-vault, so he can break something and then sue them for all their pole-vaulting riches, which I’d assume amounts to four bucks and whatever change they can find in the landing pit.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Baja Gaijin
January 10th, 2023 at 4:31 am Reply
Pluggers: If your cellphone has an antenna, you’re a blithering idiot talking into a toy filled with candy.
// They cut off analog cell signals 20 years ago or so in the US.
Pozzo
January 10th, 2023 at 4:34 am Reply
GT: Judging from the placement of the word balloon in panel one, I think the guy on the right just farted.
Dr. Larry Erhardt
January 10th, 2023 at 10:32 am Reply
Gil Thorp: “Coach, we’ve known each other for years. Please — Call me ‘Milford Juvenile Sports Program Manager Robert Kazinski’.”
Guillermo el chiclero
January 10th, 2023 at 5:05 am Reply
Luann: Nancy in the middle panel looks like she just went her panties, probably thinking about Bernice without hers.
richardf8
January 10th, 2023 at 6:55 am Reply
Luann – So, Frank hands Nancy a Romance Novel, and heads out to the titty bar. When he gets back, he’s horny from the bar, she’s horny from the book, and now you know where Brad and Luann came from. Glad that mystery’s solved!
Awre. shit. Sorry, I had the wrong week. Trying again:
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jroggs
January 14th, 2023 at 5:17 am Reply
Luann: Remember when this novel was supposed to be a sequel to a story about an amorous Spanish-Scottish blacksmith? Well, now it’s about a Frenchman with extremely severe nervous system damage getting breakfast in bed from a psychopathic Hungarian serial killer. Adjust your masturbation accordingly.
Ukulele Ike
January 14th, 2023 at 6:17 am Reply
The steamy cunnilingus scene? Whatever is Luann going to make of THIS? “He put his…what….where…?!?”
gardenornament
January 14th, 2023 at 6:52 am Reply
Luann: I’m really looking forward to seing Luann “researching” sex and passionate love. No, I’m lying. I’d rather read back issues of Funky Winkerbean than being subjected to that.
Hibbleton
January 14th, 2023 at 5:19 am Reply
MW: “…Only the love between us.” As part of their foreplay Ian mansplains the act of him pressing his erect penis against Toby’s vulva while they slow dance.
Liam
January 14th, 2023 at 6:08 am Reply
MW-“I don’t notice any gap. Not even the one between your legs.”
Charterstoned
January 14th, 2023 at 5:29 am Reply
MW: Gad! Do we have to examine Toby’s gap AGAIN? We just did this, didn’t we?Why doesn’t Moy have her see a gynecologist and leave us the hell out of it?
taig
January 14th, 2023 at 6:51 am Reply
MW: Quick, Ian, change the subject before, uhhhh, Toby catches on! You could complain about how they overspent on the decorations, for example.
Merry Mirth
January 14th, 2023 at 12:30 pm Reply
Surrounded by all his lovey-dovey mush, Wilbur grows despondent. Determined to shake himself out of his funk, he cuts in on Jeff to dance with Mary. Jeff sees the alarm in Mary’s eyes, but he reluctantly steps aside. Wilbur takes Mary’s right hand in his left and her left butt cheek in his right. The circus that Iris feared materializes, and a great, great time was had by most.
ectojazzmage
January 14th, 2023 at 6:32 am Reply
Rex Morgan: This is actually all leading up to an arc where all the constant interruptions and minor medical nuisances drive June Morgan over the edge and she goes on a killing spree whilst her husband sits at home and tries to avoid speaking to his children.
Your Mom
January 14th, 2023 at 9:03 am Reply
RMMD: “Aunt Tildy! How many strangers’ cocks have you sucked for a little spending money this week?”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BigTed
January 15th, 2023 at 4:40 am Reply
Slylock Fox: So now Slylock is helping the police investigate food fights? Let’s hope no one is suspected of littering next week, or they’ll have to call in Special Agent Eliot Moose.
Mark Trail: This is amazing — Mark spent his entire Sunday strip warning us not to drug wild squirrels and train them to attack people. I mean, it’s not as if “attack squirrels” are an actual trend! Except… now that I’ve read about them, I want one. Darn you, Mark, you’ve turned me toward the path of evil yet again!
Mary Worth: This wedding-themed Sunday Strip starts with that famous quote from Audrey Hepburn, “If I get married, I want to be very married.” Which means… that Iris is also going to cheat on her husband with method actor Ben Gazzara? I mean, she’s old, but she’s not that old.
Ukulele Ike
January 15th, 2023 at 9:48 am Reply
MW: “And as a wedding gift to Zak, I’m letting him bang my hot young girlfriend whenever he’s in the mood for some tight cooze for a change. Mom’s a bit stretched out, if you gather my meaning.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gardenornament
January 15th, 2023 at 7:09 am Reply
JP: Just when I was about to give up on this hopeless mess of a comic for good, the artist plays in a tried-and-true card: Neddy and Sophie in tight sweaters. If only Abbey could take off her cardigan it would be almost tolerable.
Guillermo el chiclero
January 15th, 2023 at 10:28 am Reply
FC: The only thing missing from the last panel are the yellow stains left in the snow where Billy tried writing naughty words with his urine.
gardenornament
January 15th, 2023 at 7:00 am Reply
SFx: I unironically love the way that drummer chick is using Max’s head for drumming practice. No solidarity among rodents here – Max has allied himself with the Man and is really just a pig in mouse clothing!
Horace Broon
January 15th, 2023 at 10:13 am Reply
SFx: That’s a pretty sweet car Reeky Rat has, given his usual coding of being dirt poor. I’d suspect auto theft if it weren’t for the personalised plates.
Bob Weber Jr
January 15th, 2023 at 12:39 pm Reply
@Horace Broon:
The owner is a member of Reeky’s favorite glam metal band.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hibbleton
January 16th, 2023 at 5:00 am Reply
H&L: The novelty of Hi yelling KABOOM during orgasm is wearing thin and besides, it scares the dog.
Hibbleton
January 16th, 2023 at 5:03 am Reply
MT: Is Jules trying to get fired? She actually drew two squirrels humping in the first panel.
Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!
January 16th, 2023 at 5:21 am Reply
@Hibbleton: re MT: GoodGodamighty!!! Let me say right here those Squirrels are NOT our clients! We only provide Foreground Fauna, not Foreground Fornication!! Wait – that’s not our drugged-up Bad Boy from yesterday, is it? He’s gettin’ fired, stat!!
Baja Gaijin
January 16th, 2023 at 5:38 am Reply
Mark Trail: The Foreground Fornicating Fauna are foreshadowing the future hominid fucking.
Ukulele Ike
January 16th, 2023 at 6:29 am Reply
MT: The initial response of “Jesus, that’s a helluva huge fire for s’mores” distracted me from the fucking squirrels. My Smokey Bear instincts trump my rodent voyeurism; who’d a thunk it?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Professor Well Actually
January 16th, 2023 at 5:55 am Reply
MW: what are the bluest objects in the universe? Dr Jeff is about to be shot down in flames.
Merry Mirth
January 16th, 2023 at 5:13 am Reply
Second chances are good.
Jeff’s chances are not good.
Calvin’s Cardboard Box
January 16th, 2023 at 6:35 am Reply
LUANN – You know, Lu, you are free to ogle strangers any day of your life. You don’t have to use “research!” as an excuse.
Can’t wait for her to publish her first Romance Pamphlet about the time a Hot Guy walked past her and she looked at his butt. Much better than the Pamphlet where see seeks out TJ for dating advice and is told that it’s too dangerous for her and to stick with ambiguous and low-grade unrequited crushes instead.
Justice Hairhead
January 16th, 2023 at 12:44 pm Reply
LUANN: Okay, let’s see what I imagine Luann’s prose would be like.
“Her engorged crotch pressed against his thigh, leaving a trail like a slug . . . ”
Yeah, I think that would be about it.
Pozzo
January 17th, 2023 at 4:58 am Reply
Funkshaft: Those are probably just scuff marks on the wall in panel one, but I like to think they’re cobwebs.
Flipper
January 17th, 2023 at 8:37 am Reply
CS: If Lillian ends up getting rich from selling the comic book, she could finally hire someone to spit on her sister Lucy’s grave for her.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old School Allie Cat
January 17th, 2023 at 4:44 am Reply
FC – Jeffy may be a waste of air, but I bet he could win a limbo contest.
Rube
January 17th, 2023 at 5:14 am Reply
FC: Caption the first time this ran: “Don’t you know who Gerald Ford is?”
“Yes, he’s the guy who invented the car.”
Guillermo el chiclero
January 17th, 2023 at 7:14 am Reply
FC: The only times I sympathize with Jeffy is when he gives Dolly the “Go tell someone who gives a shit, bitch” look.
I speak Jive
January 17th, 2023 at 9:27 am Reply
FC – Someone has been playing Mr. Potato Head with the melonheads, putting their shoulders askew and plopping their heads on backwards. In addition, Jeffy’s body has been replaced by the Eat N Park Big Boy mascot.
Inspector Gotcha
January 17th, 2023 at 5:16 am Reply
RMMD: “Fer chrissakes, first I gotta help two stupid old people, and now I gotta feed three spoiled little shits who are probably having a meltdown because I’m 20 minutes late. Fuck this, I’m stopping at a bar.”
GT: So at the bonfire, Tobias turned down alcohol and was instead ‘gazzing over s’mores. But now he wants to chuck chocolate and sell vapes? Henry has truly woven a complex character, at once innocent and a bad boy. This could well be his masterpiece creation.
Horace Broon
January 17th, 2023 at 9:49 am Reply
GT: Once again, Henry Bajaras is quick to jump on a hot button issue. I’m referring, of course, to his realisation that there is currently a gap in the market for tedious comics about teens selling chocolates to raise funds for the school. Wait till they move on to turkeys and copies of Gil’s autobiography!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pugfuggly
January 17th, 2023 at 5:18 am Reply
MW: There are some strong contenders, but no-one on the comics page does vapid non-conversations like Mary Worth. “I like weddings. Weddings make people happy and I think that is good. In fact, I wish that more people were happy. I’m the wise one in this strip, by the way.”
Damian
January 17th, 2023 at 6:38 am Reply
You have to admire Mary’s Lucy-and-the-football approach to Jeff’s marriage proposals, here. All she has to do is take him to a wedding and then gush about it, and he can’t help but take the bait. Set, and SPIKE.
Voshkod
January 17th, 2023 at 6:54 am Reply
Once again, Doctor Jeff is going to fail to take the chance to drive off a cliff with Mary in the car. It’s for the better good, Jeff. Just do it.
Peanut Gallery
January 17th, 2023 at 7:05 am Reply
MW – “I’ve been to a LOT of weddings… and that’s just counting my own!”
Professor Well Actually
January 17th, 2023 at 7:08 am Reply
MW: I want Jeff to take this moment to tell Mary he’s marrying a very attractive divorced lawyer on the following weekend and asks if she wants to attend.
taig
January 17th, 2023 at 6:44 am Reply
Luann: A question for those who may be knowledgeable about this: do college students get an automatic ‘A’ in a class when the
professorteacher drops dead during the semester?I speak Jive
January 17th, 2023 at 9:27 am Reply
Pickles – Personally, I think that raisin deserved that. It’s an abomination to choose a cookie thinking it’s chocolate chip and then finding out it’s raisins.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Twinkles the Elf
January 18th, 2023 at 4:37 am Reply
“Gilpa”? Is that an off-brand version of “Joepa,” i.e., Joe Paterno, longtime football coach at Penn State? But Gil is Gil THORP, not Gil Paterno. Shouldn’t he be “Giltho” or something like that? Not the happiest reference in any case, as Joepa notoriously turned a blind eye to an underling molesting children in the showers.
pastordan
January 18th, 2023 at 5:25 am Reply
Gil Thorp: You can tell this is all a fever dream on Gil’s part by the way “Foxy” doesn’t add fourteen auto brands to the end of his dealership name.
Inspector Gotcha
January 18th, 2023 at 5:39 am Reply
GT: Gil decides to cash in on the name-image-likeness gold mine.
Violet
January 18th, 2023 at 6:44 am Reply
Gil: I cannot believe circumstances have led me to debase myself in this revolting fashion. I was hoping to die with dignity.
Fox: Ha, ha, ha—stop it, Gil! My sides are gonna be aching tomorrow!
Old School Allie Cat
January 18th, 2023 at 6:50 am Reply
Gilpa – Man, I’ve got plot whiplash. But if I bought one of Foxy’s used deathtraps, I’d have real whiplash. Hard to say which is more painful.
TheDiva
January 18th, 2023 at 7:24 am Reply
GT: The used car guys in my area are all Boomer types who look like GOP state representatives, so it’s kind of refreshing to see a Gen X creep getting in on the market.
MKay
January 18th, 2023 at 4:54 am Reply
GT: Gil will need to develop a smidgen of personality to succeed in either endorsement or car sales.
MW: Thank God we’re off Iris. Oh, wait. Estelle has changed her name to Iris.
jroggs
January 18th, 2023 at 5:09 am Reply
MW: The Iris story continues on, and it looks like marriage has already stripped the mentally-fragile newlywed of her scant remaining sanity as the former Ms. Beedie has stolen her neighbor Estelle’s pets and hair.
richardf8
January 18th, 2023 at 4:30 am Reply
MW – Well, someone can’t tell all of Wilbur’s Ex’s apart! Next up, Fabiana sits at a piano and sings the best hits of the ’60s, 70s, and today with her cousin!
Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!
January 18th, 2023 at 6:18 am Reply
What th–? Finally the triumphant return of Libby and Pierre … and we have the DISTRACTION of Estelle being mis-identified? Geeze! At least they didn’t call them Greta and Mr. Solo….
Anyhow – we’re gonna see the full range of Pierre’s acting talents… as he battles a deadly parasitic infection!! We may even get the backstory about how he came to be in this predicament. Maybe something from his time with Wilbur? Who knows? Will Libby be endangered too? And how about the vet’s own condition? That’s gotta be an occupational hazard…
I’m glad Estelle may be gettin’ another chance with Dr…. Hey Intern, what was his name? He has been “vetted” heh heh heh by Libby and Pierre and they approve!
Merry Mirth
January 18th, 2023 at 11:27 am Reply
Wilbur’s ex-dog is a parasite magnet.
Guillermo el chiclero
January 18th, 2023 at 4:51 am Reply
Pluggers: This is probably the same guy who asks how did people who lived back in 200 BC know it was 200 BC when Jesus wasn’t born yet.
Rube
January 18th, 2023 at 5:03 am Reply
Pluggers are both:
(a) so removed from the hardworking rural life they supposedly represent to know about “grafting”; and
(b) too dumb to Google “how do navel oranges reproduce”.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jroggs
January 18th, 2023 at 5:09 am Reply
Luann: What a wholesome and positive-minded woman! Just the kind of person Luann needed to meet to learn how to make bored housewives cum from reading!
Hibbleton
January 18th, 2023 at 5:18 am Reply
Luann: “OK, Let’s launch this rocket!” Said Jenny as she unfastened the top button on Lars’ jeans. —line from Luann’s first romance novel.
gardenornament
January 18th, 2023 at 6:46 am Reply
Luann: Mrs. Horner says what everybody is thinking: teaching a class with Luann and her friend in it is better than being dead. Just barely.
Ettorre
January 18th, 2023 at 5:38 am Reply
B: We are very thankful that the artist drew Dagwood with BOTH his hands on the keyboard
Ukulele Ike
January 18th, 2023 at 7:26 am Reply
JP: ”My large friend, Officer Helsner here, just buttfucked your husband, and now he wants to buttfuck you. The married couple angle is kind of a ‘bucket list’ thing for him. All the other cops are here because they want to watch.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous
January 19th, 2023 at 5:30 am Reply
RMMD: June mutters to herself, “If I have to save one more damn life tonight, I’m going to murder someone!”
Inspector Gotcha
January 19th, 2023 at 6:06 am Reply
@Anonymous:
RMMD: June mutters to herself, “If I have to save one more damn life tonight, I’m going to murder someone!”
Oops, I don’t want to implicate the real Anonymous with my failure to log in.
taig
January 19th, 2023 at 6:51 am Reply
FC: This bit of wordplay amused me, so I feel bad making a comment about PJ or Dolly eating dog shit.
TheDiva
January 19th, 2023 at 7:19 am Reply
MT: I’m not seeing a horseshoe; it looks more like a polyp on the river’s colon.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MKay
January 20th, 2023 at 4:36 am Reply
MW: So, Ed endures rhe date from Hell, and then crickets for a year, and then she only shows up because of Pierre’s parasites?
Still better than any of Wilbur’s action.
jroggs
January 20th, 2023 at 5:28 am Reply
MW: The last time Mr. Ed agreed to go on a date with Estelle, they went to karaoke and Estelle ended up in a singing battle against her ex-boyfriend. If this trip to dinner doesn’t end up with Wilbur showing up and goading Estelle into an eating contest or food fight, I will be very disappointed.
Guillermo el chiclero
January 20th, 2023 at 5:04 am Reply
FC: Jeffy, Jeffy, when you’re old enough to drink you’ll learn the importance of sleeping it off.
FC: Mommy, how come I don’t leave a pile of vomit where I take a nap?
Hibbleton
January 20th, 2023 at 5:37 am Reply
RMMD: His dad probably will be pissed he wrecked what is most likely a ‘classic’ car since it doesn’t have airbags.
“My Pinto!!“
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
69. Chance
January 14th, 2023 at 9:06 am Reply
Did Sartre write this Rex Morgan story arc? Surely there’s some way out of that grocery store that doesn’t involve continually encountering irksome people that reflect your worst qualities.
69. Dennis Jimenez
January 15th, 2023 at 7:18 am Reply
Shoe – The table turning response is spitting in your food to correspond to a tip. Oh, and for male bartenders it’s dipping your dick in their drink….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
69. ectojazzmage
January 18th, 2023 at 6:51 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Gil couldn’t even get the real Hulk Hogan for this, it’s just a discount version.
Blondie: I can only presume this is the beginning of a lengthy storyline where Dagwood gets the company computers infested with a massive heap of viruses by answering every obvious scam email he gets about food.
P. S. Vis-a-vis my opening remarks, although I once was with an Adams, I have never banged a Bush.
Thanks, Baja and Scratchy.
Many thanks to Baja, Scratchy. Sometimes I’m spot on with what I think is going to make the lists. And then there are weeks like this. Too much to choose from! What a problem to have.
Thank you, Baja and Scratchy!
Congrats to all the persons who got recognition this week!
Thanks for the mentions, Baja and Scratchy!
Thanks, Baja and Scratchy!
Thanks Baja & Scratchy, and congrats to all the floaters, especially Vice President John Adams! That one’s a keeper.
Congrats to Vice President John Adams, everyone on the float, and my fellow shadowfloaters and scratchies! Broon Croons to neisco and Shroduck! And oh wow, I’d missed that I got a reply to my Slylock Fox snark from Bob Weber Jr, so thanks for drawing that to my attention, Scratchy! Throw french fries!
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
P. S. Vis-a-vis my opening remarks, although I once was with an Adams, I have never banged a Bush.
Banged, ok – but don’t tell me you never beat around the Bush…
Thanks, Baja and Scratchy. I didn’t have a great week, but I hope I supplied a chuckle or two.
Kudos to the Honorable VP John Adams for COTW! And congrats to all the floats – it is delightful to read through the week’s banter again! And thanks for the mention, Baja! Have a great weekend, everyone!
@Rube: My week is looking up.
Grandson #2, Robin James Ukulele, born in Prague, Czechia, at 3:30 this morning, 8 lb 2 oz.
Thank you Baja and Scratchy, and best wishes to Veep Adams and all commenters cited.
Speaking of former presidents, I see that Two Party Opera is back to running daily strips after a multi-year “sabbatical.” This is very good news; Brian Carroll is a fine and witty professor of U.S. history. Fun to see Buchanan and Pierce this morning — the flops deserve page time along with Lincoln, the Roosevelts, Jefferson, et al.
Who has the straight dope about where this strip disappeared to, and why it came back?
@Ukulele Ike: Hey, Ike! Corngradulashons! (Or however Al Capp would have spelled it.)
@Ukulele Ike: Velimi Dobra!
@Ukulele Ike: Congratulations!
Congratulations to John Quincy’s dad!
Thanks to Baja and Scratchy!
Thanks Josh (and Baja and Scratchy) for the mentions, and congrats to all the see-oh-tee-dubyas!
Thanks to
ReadsEmAllBaja for the mentions!And thanks to
LooksForJutScratchy for not making me eat a scrote this week.Thanks to Baja and Scratchy, who validated me having polyps on the mind due to getting a colonoscopy on Monday.
Congrats to Vice President John Adams and the others on the float. Kudos also the scratchies and my fellow shadows. Tip o’ the beret to nescio and also to pastordan for his Tracy comment at #75 on the last thread.
Congrats to Vice President John Adams and the floaters and thanks, Baja!
Thanks to Josh, and thanks to Baja and Scratchy, and Voshkudos to Vice President John Adams (hang on a few years and you’ll get the big job, buddy), BigTed, nescio, and Schroduck.
Thanks Josh, Baja and Scratchy!
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
P. S. Vis-a-vis my opening remarks, although I once was with an Adams, I have never banged a Bush.
________________________________________
“You mean they’re gonna…at THIS hour?!?” “Not everyone’s from Boston,John.” – John Adams and Ben Franklin,speculating on the activities of Thomas Jefferson and his wife outside his door “1776”
Thanks, Baja and Scratchy! Congrats to Vice President John Adams and all the Riders on the Floats.
Thanks Josh, Baja, and Scratchy for the highlights and special thanks to Baja and Scratchy for the mentions. Funny Stuff!
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part Friday
gardenornament
January 20th, 2023 at 4:42 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Just wait until the Colombian vaping cartels swoop in and try to take over these kids’ turf. The comic is about to get a lot darker and grittier, it seems.
BigTed
January 20th, 2023 at 4:53 am Reply
Pluggers: You’re a plugger if you have resting “I want to maul and eat my wife” face. (“Yes, dear, I’m listening. No, dear, I wasn’t about to tear anyone limb from limb… as you know, that’s just my natural facial expression.”)
Vice President John Adams
January 20th, 2023 at 4:58 am Reply
Gil Thorp: I can’t believe they bailed on alliterative fruity vape flavors after one. ONE! Come on. Cantaloupe Catastrophe, Durian Disaster, Honeydew Holocaust… do the work.
Guillermo el chiclero
January 20th, 2023 at 5:04 am Reply
Family Circus: Jeffy, Jeffy, when you’re old enough to drink you’ll learn the importance of sleeping it off.
els
January 20th, 2023 at 5:16 am Reply
Gil Thorp: “We’ve got many more flavors than that. Let’s see, there’s Melon Felony, Grape Misdemeanor, Strawberry Jaywalking, and I’m out of the Butternut Squash Mischief, but I just got a new stock of Pomelo Vehicular Manslaughter and Mango-Banana-Kiwi Solicitation. First vape’s free!”
Little Guy
January 20th, 2023 at 5:23 am Reply
Curtis: No, thank you for your food offer, but because you’ve offended my thin veneer of sensibility, I will be petulant enough to contemplate ruining the food you purchased.”
taig
January 20th, 2023 at 5:33 am Reply
Dick Tracy: Chandler’s face looks disgustingly…normal.
pugfuggly
January 20th, 2023 at 5:39 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Stupid plot aside, I am going to be writing down every one of these fake vape flavour names down cuz they sound like awesome 80s New Wave bands.
Professor Well Actually
January 20th, 2023 at 5:55 am Reply
Crankshaft: And this remarkably stupid woman has actually written several novels?
Peanut Gallery
January 20th, 2023 at 6:19 am Reply
Dick Tracy: He only has one brow, but it does the work of two.
Peanut Gallery
January 20th, 2023 at 6:38 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Sure, it starts out with “fun” flavors like Cotton Candy Calamity, Tangerine Tragedy, Dulce de Leche Disaster, and The Pineapple Peril. Then before you know it, you’ve gone down the slippery slope to Egg Nog Ennui, Wintergreen Weltschmerz, Apricot Anomie, and Watermelancholia.
Guillermo el chiclero
January 20th, 2023 at 7:15 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Poor June, little does she know that Rex is storing up a pissyface to end all pissyfaces when she finally gets home.
I speak Jive
January 20th, 2023 at 7:26 am Reply
Rex Morgan: June will have go to her office to look up the billing code for “talking an angry father out of opening a can of whup ass on his kid.”
TheDiva
January 20th, 2023 at 7:29 am Reply
Crankshaft: Lillian must be a big hit with the staff down at the Tastee-Freez.
Voshkod
January 20th, 2023 at 8:00 am Reply
Gil Thorp: The prevailing currents off the Panhandle would move a water-logged crab-chewed corpse south, toward Cuba, but once said sodden cadaver hit the Gulf Stream, it would move north, along Florida’s Atlantic Coast, where new and excitingly different species of crabs would carry on the gruesome but necessary process of dismemberment. But, if the murder took place off of Panama, as opposed to Florida, our aqueous gravefiller might drift into Cuba’s south coast, to allow the crabs that live in the mangrove swamps an opportunity to snack.
cheech wizard
January 20th, 2023 at 9:14 am Reply
Mary Worth: “I’ve been thinking about you too, Stell – and I can’t get that image out of my head. You underneath Wilbur’s heaving, sweaty form. Yuck. How did that ever happen? I’m sorry, dinner is just out of the question, because I’ll probably throw up. “
Dr. Larry Erhardt
January 20th, 2023 at 9:36 am Reply
Luann: “Why do I feel like I know you…?” loses its dramatic potential when you realize Luann probably says the exact same thing multiple times a day in the de Groot household.
Artist formerly known as Ben
January 20th, 2023 at 9:48 am Reply
Dick Tracy: The discovery of Paul Chandler’s corpse rated 4 out of 5 vomiting cops.
Daily Shadow CsOTW
Friday
————
Hibbleton
January 20th, 2023 at 4:45 am Reply
Dick Tracy: “If you’re done with that face, do you mind if I take it with me? I’ve got a kid’s birthday party to liven up.”
But What Do I Know?
January 20th, 2023 at 6:21 am Reply
Dick Tracy: A corpse floated from either Panama City to Cuba? And the police there phone Neo-Chicago? Help me, understand please, so that I can go back to thinking up something snarky to say about a Cuban Dick Tracy.
Huzzahs to all the mentionees, and many thanks Scratchy and Baja. A round of drinks on Detective Yelich awaits you at your convenience.
I’d forgotten I’d even posted this week, so thanks for the Surprise Scroters.
Congrats to VP Adams and everybody else. Thanks, AfkaB and Voshkod.
Thank you, Baja & Scratchy! And thanks to all the floaters for making the funnies funny.
@gardenornament: Gee, thank you! *sniff*
Baja, the float ride is much appreciated!
@65 Poteet: You deserve it. Your comment was hilarious.
Perhaps Sarge is doing a podcast of his reviews, which mean no writing. So you can delete all that stuff on the Wiki now.