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Like sands through the hourglass, so go the very funny top weekly comments. Here’s this week’s!

“My favorite part of this is the narration box: ‘As Toby tells Mary about her latest situation…’ First off, Toby doesn’t actually have problems, just situations. Secondly, this is just another in what promises to be an endless series.” –Joe Blevins

And here are the hilarious runners up!

“I love Billy’s smug expression. ‘She thinks she’s happy now, but wait till she sees this awesome card I made her. It’s got a butterfly, a heart, and a photo-realistic drawing of the two of us. I’ll definitely be her favorite after this.’” –Weaselboy

“Batman spent years training like a ninja so he could disappear into the night precisely to avoid anyone hitting him with a brick. You think you can just pick up a broom and fight (???) crime, Street Sweeper?! You’re not ready for this!” –Truckosaurus

“As I have mentioned before, I have actually lived in a city with a masked crime fighter. I have never lived in a city where bricks are just lying around in the street.” –Rube

“To Mary Sue, Dying in Westview: Smart girl, to slip betimes away/ From towns where glory does not stray/ And early though the cancer grows/ It takes some time before Les knows.” –But What Do I Know?

“I’m unnerved by Toby still working on the same muffin over the course of several days’ worth of panels. It looks like it has regenerative properties. Can you imagine what that’s doing to her gut?!?” –taig

“If the sign above the loaded sales guy can be believed, Henry Mitchell is in the market for a genuine Lrrruriui. That’s a nice car, but not practical for a family man. He should be looking at a Pttrprtooo or maybe a Oeebbanll crossover.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Between Toby being mentally five years old, Wilbur being a manchild who throws tantrums, and Helen attempting to report Toby to ‘School Management’ which isn’t actually a thing, but probably something a kid would assume is, I am getting a feeling that Mary Worth, all this time, has been kids playing pretend. Very, very boring kids.” –Giant Telepathic Otter

“He asked if he could pay with a check. [wry chuckle] Anyway, we’ve got the next few months to look forward to, what with me up nights and weekends trying to assemble a doomed defense and with no earthly hope of recompense. It’s a hoot. How’s your spaghetti and watermelon?” –Vice President John Adams

“And I said, you’ll learn a thing or two about fraud when you experience my so-called barely-going-through-the-motions defense.” –Dennis Jimenez

“The three panel comic strip is obviously the perfect medium for telling a story about sports, as the spectacle of a blind pitcher chasing a baseball around the infield by following it directly, the same way the dumber of my two cats chases a laser pointer, is limited only by my imagination.” –Drew Funk

“The Lockhorns are of the WWII generation, that’s always been clear. The reason we can see them as they are is because they’re on a world so incredibly distant that their images are only reaching us now. Which means they’re too far away to ever reach us and be a part of our world, for which I guess we should be grateful.” –cheech wizard

“The *DAGWOOD* is proud of his brood. Already the void forms within them demanding precious resources to fill its emptiness. Soon they will be ready to leave his world and burrow into a new one demanding endless tribute of sandwiches and sacrifices from its inhabitants.” –Dread

“It’s a funeral in Westview, so you can be sure that the Grey Cross will be there, offering relief to those nauseated by Les’s monologues.” –pugfuggly

“Life is rigged, you simply cannot win! Well, I now need to go back home to polish the Oscar the movie based on my book won.” –Ettorre

“Well, I guess it’s not so much a funny joke as a depressing anecdote about a man with a crippling gambling addiction. Anyway, the moral is that I mostly spend my time waiting for death these days.” –jroggs

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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It’s the most blessed time of the month: First Friday! The Internet Read Aloud is back on stage at its new time, TONIGHT, Friday May 6, at 7 pm in Los Angeles! This month starring Katie McVay, Gena B Jones, and Kylie Brakeman!

We’re at The Clubhouse in Los Angeles and the show is free! Be vaxxed, masked, and emotionally available! Here is the Facebook event!

But that’s for the evening. Today, during the day ….. we comment of the week.

“Ian never realized that Helen carried a torch for him for so many years … Anyway, she talked to him and that did the trick … Now she never wants to hear from him again! Problem solved!” –Thelonious_Nick

And we runners up as well!

“Wait, who’s the plugger here? Is Henrietta Beak not a plugger now? Do we have to remember who Mr. Beak is? Do we have to deduce things about a character who is not shown? Because let me tell you, Pluggers readers don’t roll like that. Pluggers barely have object permanence!” –matt w

“Good news: the Brisk Iced Tea sponsorship deal came through! Now we just need to namedrop their brand as many times as we can, but we also need to be subtle about it.” –Westing1992

“Helen’s face in the next-to-last panel is, and I’m saying this without any kind of irony, the best drawing ever put down in Mary Worth, and I encourage everyone to zoom in on it. She looks like the protagonist of a magical girl anime right after being reminded there’s a test today, just this frozen moment of cartoonish terror right before comical jets of tears start shooting from her eyes as she screams about life’s unfairness, which yes, is a perfectly reasonable reaction to have when you have to go snuggle Ian in the next panel.” –Dan

“So the Lowell Observatory hires people who are shaky on how (or even if) telescopes work. Good to know.” –Joe Blevins

“I don’t care for this remake of Don’t Look Up. Or possibly Melancholia.” –made of wince

“The quotes are gone around Onion’s name, which in the Curtis world means his parents had it legally changed.” –Trofe

“Looks like Beetle has discovered induced demand: see, it doesn’t matter how big you make that screen, more unwashed humanity is simply going to roll in and block your view. Ugh, people.” –pugfuggly

“It’s good to know that not a penny of the massively bloated US defense budget is being wasted on chairs for enlisted soldiers to relax at the end of the day.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Toby & Cal & Helen & Ian is the remake of Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice that nobody wants, so of course it is what we are getting. We’re all being punished for wanting Wilbur dead.” –Malaclypse

“Holy crap, today’s Mary Worth drops a massive hint about the worldbuilding at play. Ian taught in Franklin, the State of Franklin, which in our timeline was an unrecognized area of eastern Tennessee that petitioned and failed to become the 14th state of the Union! But in Mary World, Franklin obviously was recognized as a state! Maybe Ian taught at the University of Franklin in the capital city of Greeneville (go fighting Crocketts! (named after Gov. David ‘Davy’ Crockett, who founded the school)). Maybe Franklin became a Unionist bone in the Confederate craw during the Civil War, leading to a quick Union victory and substantial and prolonged Reconstruction which (bear with me here) eliminated the NeoConfederate resurgence, which means the African-American Great Migration to the North and West wasn’t as sustained, which explains, finally, why there are only white people in Mary Worth! The mind boggles.” –Voshkod

“Shoe is a Nietzschean universe in which God is dead but its inhabitants are full of joy and merriment. Truly if you gaze into the googly eyes of horrors, the googly eyes of horror gaze also into you!” –Ettorre

“Hi and Lois guide to comic strip creation: 1. Take a perfectly ordinary conversation. 2. Illustrate it as if there’s a joke. 3. Tee time!” –Rube

“Hi Flagston has good reason to look so concerned about Chip going to the movies. The Batman photo in the paper reveals that he lives in the suburbs of Gotham. About 25 years ago, a very wealthy couple were violently gunned down in full view of their only child after leaving a movie theater. If the protected classes can’t go to the movies safely, then none of us can.” –Dave in Pittsburgh

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Folks, it’s coming! It’s happening! The Internet Read Aloud is back on stage at its new time, ONE WEEK FROM TONIGHT, Friday May 6 at 7 pm in Los Angeles! This month starring Katie McVay, Gena B Jones, and Kylie Brakeman!

We’re at The Clubhouse in Los Angeles and the show is free! Be vaxxed, masked, and emotionally available! Here is the Facebook event!

And here, meanwhile, is your comment of the week!

“Dithers is wearing yellow pants in solidarity with the French gilets jaunes movement, in the highly-topical-but-also-garbled fashion that Blondie fans know and … love? That doesn’t sound right.” –Jack Brounstein

Your runners up: also very funny!

“Ian has no idea who Helen Moss is. It’s purely coincidental that at the exact moment Toby mentioned her name, he had his epiphany: The potholder and oven mitt should be hung up by the oven or at least in a drawer by the oven! ‘And … and the towel … should be hanging by the sink!’ Ian thinks to himself madly: ‘Yes, a towel! Ian, you mad genius, you’ve done it again!’” –Carsick Yankee

“Making Coffeehead drink the slop they call coffee down at Police Headquarters is some serious level of warped Dick Tracy torture. He’ll confess to anything after one sip!” –JBoy

“The Street Sweeper’s biggest contribution to crime-fighting was actually encouraging more people to go out at night, reducing opportunities for muggers to isolate victims and driving business revenue upwards. Gradual improvements are too boring for Hollywood movies, but they are just fine for legacy strips.” –Ettorre

“I’ll stay in the shadows until I’m needed. These shadows, right here at the open end of the alleyway on a busy street, just casually wearing my costume and proudly holding aloft my symbol. I sure do hope nobody sees me and asks to buy the film rights to the Street Sweeper character for a very reasonable price!” –Schroduck

“Man, the dugout fence in Gil Thorp has sure given us some fun times, hasn’t it? Clambake, and now scopophobic Anderson Cooper knock-off, and … well … hell, that’s at least two more fun times than anything else in Gil Thorp has given us.” –Voshkod

“I feel like we don’t talk enough about how Spark Plug’s (and Li’l Sparky’s) ever-present horse-blankets are clearly the result of the original artist realising that the alternative is figuring out how you actually draw a horse.” –Horace Broon

“Amazing that she and Ian managed to get a full-page spread in the yearbook. We’re they voted ‘most likely to drift apart after a torrid affair?’” –pugfuggly

“Yearbooks typically go to print before graduation, but Helen was so scholarly that she walked around campus in a cap and gown, which makes it all the more stinging that Ian ended up with a bimbo.” –jenna

“Matt, we’re cutting you loose. You tried to be a Dick Tracy villain, but your whole gimmick is ‘one sorta weird eye,’ it’s just not gonna cut it. And tell your pal that we didn’t think ‘enjoys a good cup of coffee’ was even worth dignifying with a one-on-one critique.” –Dan

“Do the math, Tonsils. If I pin the drug dealing charge on Coffeehead he gets two years in the pen, tops. But if I catch him red-handed standing over your bullet-riddled corpse with a smoking gun, I’ve got him for life.” –Guillermo el chiclero

“It was mild day in Santa Royale, like any other day, the kind of day that makes you forget all your problems, if you had problems, which you don’t because problems are for people renting 400ft² at $3k in Goleta. Name’s Cameron, PhD, and I’m about to have a problem–of the Title IX kind…” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“Ian tries to stare Helen down using techniques he learned from Professor Mesmer … or Dracula. I forget. Have we established if Ian is among the undead?” –Hibbleton

“Hey, Helen. Glad I found you. Is the dark lavender tie with the light lavender shirt too much? Toby said I couldn’t pull it off. Which reminds me: stop threatening her.” –Weaselboy

“Say what you will about their ethics, but I appreciate the fact that these two criminal scumbags keep profanities out of their conversation. It makes me think these two are redeemable. The bald one does say ‘ain’t,’ but we can work on that.” –Joe Blevins

“I love it when Gil Thorp breaks from its ‘Sports can help high school students gain confidence while learning teamwork and responsibility’ message to bring us ‘Some kids are bad at sports, and lose horribly while being miserable no matter how hard they try, with zero help from their non-existent coaches.’ It’s going to be heartwarming when this storyline ends with the team discovering Gregg is blind, followed by everyone pointing and laughing at Nomar for being suckier than a blind pitcher.” –Drew Funk

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!