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Folks, it’s true: being a human is more complicated than being a cat. For instance, what if we see something terrible on the internet? A cat doesn’t even know what the internet is, so they don’t have to worry about that. But humans need to decide whether we’re going to report it to the FBI at IC3 dot gov, or just go to the Internet Read Aloud, my beloved live comedy show about the internet, to see if we make fun of it! And that show will be happening tonight, at 7 pm at the Clubhouse at 1607 N Vermont Ave in Los Angeles, so you should come to it, if you can! Bring a mask and proof of vaccination and we’ll have fun!

Also, if you like the radio, but also on the internet, you might want to listen to me on the Follow Friday podcast, talking about my favorite Internet people! Wow, what a rabbithole of internet this post has turned into! Don’t worry, though, this week’s comment of the week is wholly offline (and very funny):

“The writers of Dennis the Menace have decided they are never winning over the ‘Calvin Pees On Ford/Chevy Logo’ bootleg pickup truck decal market, and are pivoting to the smaller ‘Calvin Prays At The Cross’ bootleg minivan/SUV/crossover decal market.” –Philip

The runners up are also funny!

“Sure … I remember him … he’s quite OLD. And UGLY too! And, boy, I’ve never met anyone so DUMB, and I live [drops to a whisper] we’ll discuss it later.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Huge respect for the realistic assessment of Rene’s popularity as a villain. ‘I’ll be back! Or not! We’ll play this one by ear!’” –Dan

“Mr. Wilson’s cataracts are so severe that even he doesn’t know what he’s watching, and Dennis isn’t about to give him a clue.” –Pozzo

“Wrong on both counts, Dennis. Mr. Wilson is simply constipated.” –Ettorre

“I don’t mean that he stopped exercising the day he was born. He actually stopped just a few months ago. But when he did, I tracked down his birth certificate and wrote that day’s date on it. This is the kind of elaborately cruel thing I have to do to keep this marriage interesting.” –Joe Blevins

“Slightly worrying that over 14 years, Dr Blog has gone from being a short pasty white guy to a tall bearded brown-skinned man. Is one of them an imposter, or is Dr Blog an inherited secret identity like The Phantom?” –Schroduck

“Another one of the many, many things I love about Gil Thorp is the insights it gives me, a man with no children, into youth culture. Apparently kids say ‘mopes’ now! This sounds unlikely, but my coworkers with teenagers swear to me that they are bringing back mullets, so I will believe literally anything anyone, Neil Rubin included, tells me about high schoolers.” –Drew Funk

“I love how Bearman seems to be really struggling with this phrase. ‘So, is there a baby in the oven, then? Did … did someone fuck my oven?’” –pugfuggly

“Crankshaft’s female relative (name and relation unknown, as in I personally refuse to remember or look her up) smiles in the last panel because Crankshaft’s stupid-ass suggestion about overdosing on brain medicine has sparked a fond remembrance of the Bradley Cooper film Limitless, a film where Bradley Cooper takes a magic brain pill that makes him limitless.” –The Great Joe Bivins

“After the ambush, it was just Beetle and his backpack buddy left. But the backpack was smart, and cruel, and commanding, and Beetle wisely listened. After a six-month one-man war in occupied territory, Beetle and his backpack full of severed ears finally made it back to Allied lines. The brass wasn’t sure if they should pin a medal on his chest or court-martial him his war crimes. They split the difference, giving him the Silver Star (he demanded that they pin it on the backpack) and drumming him on a psychiatric discharge. So they hit the road, Beetle and backpack, walking the byways and highways of America, always looking for more ears to take, more enemies to kill.” –Voshkod

“I like the subtle juxtaposition between Gregg sweating over a pop quiz in darkness while his parents imagine a CEO who’s uneducated but ‘at least he’s reading something!’ Education is for suckers, son, but you won’t hear that from us.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“This story doesn’t need a plot. It’s all about product placement. Moy and Brigman are raking in big bucks from VW for featuring Toby in her Bug, and for showing that the vehicle is crash-resistant even with an idiot behind the wheel, stylish and sporty for the middle-aged driver, easy to park, with luxury features like a sunroof and leather seats surrounding one in such a cocoon of comfort that even ridiculous crying jags over situations that are completely divorced from reality are an absolute pleasure, if you have them in the driver’s seat of a VW Bug! Get the ‘bugs’ out in your VW — you won’t be ‘bugged’ for long!” –Charterstoned

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Folks, first off, it’s that time of month again: the time were you are required to come to my show in Los Angeles, full of jokes about the internet! Last month’s return to stage was a true banger and I am confident this month will be to. Join us on the Facebook event and also in person, won’t you?

But also: it’s time for the comment of the week.

“Blondie is going the Ace Attorney route with its names, I see. Can’t wait for the reveal that Herb Woodley has a secret lavender garden in the forest somewhere.” –Austria

And also also: it’s time for the hilarious runners up!

“Leroy was caught unaware as Loretta smacked the side of his face with the steering wheel that she had carried out of her last car crash. ‘I do the frivolous shopping jokes around here! Get off my turf and stick a lampshade on your head, motherfucker!’” –nescio

“Sarah knows that even though she’s been found innocent in a court of law, the court of nerdy fanboys needs ‘real’ proof. Hell, they’re still salty about the cancellation of Battlestar Galactica; obsessing over the Doggo Twins is just second nature.” –made of wince

“Pam asks in the vain hope that her father will say ‘I don’t remember ordering that,’ and she can finally start the commitment proceedings.” –Where’s Rocky?

“Not sure that Sam would be the type to use a word like ‘cacophonic.’ As a matter of fact, I’m not sure anybody would be the type to use a word like ‘cacophonic,’ except maybe a new Dick Tracy villain named ‘Pedantic Pete.’” –Pozzo

“If Ian was interested in befriending anyone, he’d shave his beard. Or grow a moustache and complete it. One or the other.” –Applemask

“Date of operation minus thirty days, in military lingo, would be D-30. Thirty days until something happens in Crankshaft. Looks like this plot line is going to just speed by.” –Voshkod

“So Jeff is going off to work? And Max sits around at home all day, watching television? This strip became Dustin so slowly that I didn’t notice. Of course, that’s mainly because I don’t read either one, but still.” –seismic-2

“Huh, the adult bird is WAY smaller than the egg, which leads me to believe that egg is extremely roomy inside. What do you suppose the ‘inner bird’ has got in there? I’m picturing kind of a gym setup, but could be anything from an art gallery to a B&D dungeon. Guess we’ll never know.” –Twinkles the Elf

“Today’s Crankshaft inspires a Miss Manners letter:

Dear Miss Manners,

When deciding whether to accept an invitation to a restaurant, is it OK for me to obliquely refer to the subsequent digestive upset or can I just talk about the impending pooptuplets in graphic detail to the inviters?” –Baja Gaijin

“Humpty Dumpty, history’s first known victim of toxic positivity.” –Roto13

“The erotic tension is building. Notice that even the rocks in the foreground are humping vigorously.” –Joe Blevins

“Say what you will about Winona Braggart, about the deli trays or the stunningly similar appearance of Blondie and her co-worker whose name I can’t be bothered to look up right now. I just appreciate their dedication to the goth-maid-lolita aesthetic. Not crazy about the lack of hairnets, though.” –pastordan

“This could be the nosy and suspicious, ‘I see you! And I think you’re up to some shenanigans! Shenanigans, I say!’ Or it could be the wise and accepting, ‘I see you! My fellow human being, my sister, I see you and acknowledge your existence on this Earth!’ Or it could be the I See You game: ‘Ooh, there’s some people sitting on the grass! I see you! Ooh, there’s a train! I see you!’ Like I Spy without the guessing part, or Peek-a-Boo without the hiding part. I hope it’s that one.” –Anonymous

“I know that it’s often necessary for characters in a single-panel comic to state the obvious to helpfully point the reader towards the joke, but I love the idea that Jeffy hasn’t learned to identify liquids by color, odor, or by observing where they just came from. ‘Water?’ his face seems to say, ‘The one without the tingly or the tongue-happiness?’” –pugfuggly

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Folks, it’s the comment …….. of the week!

“Notice how Mrs. Wilson is on her cell phone keeping up to date with the times by scrolling through TikTok, Instagra,m and Reddit — where the young hip kids get their news. While old fuddy daddy Mr. Wilson is still reading dying print media. The subtext is clear. The meteor is only coming for technological dinosaurs like Ole Mr. Wilson. The smarter savvier mammals will survive. Mrs. Wilson gets this. That’s why in the last panel she is laughing at the slow death of her walnut brained husband.” –Joe Momma

Folks, it’s the hilarious …… runners up!

“Mr. Wilson looks pretty defensive about their Flintstone costumes. When was the last time you wore a new outfit, Dennis? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Go home, Dennis. You stink.” –made of wince

“I’m intrigued by Mrs. Wilson’s eye-roll when Mr. Wilson launches into the meteor explanation. ‘Oh, here we go again with the popular consensus view of the K-Pg extinction event,’ she thinks. ‘I’ve explained the role of Deccan Traps volcanism a hundred times, but George always has to focus on the drama.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Slylock is a plainclothes detective, but he’s decided ‘plainclothes’ means ‘wearing a Sherlock Holmes costume.’”–Rita Lake

“The screech is not from tires or brakes; it is from Mary realizing a meddle is being stolen from her. I imagine it’s like the sound the Nazguls make.” –Professor Well Actually

“Toby has been surprised by a truck turning onto a two-lane state road with few intersections and no visual obstructions. That’s quite a feat for someone not actively looking at their phone.” –TheDiva

“Slylock Fox’s eyes narrowed, his agile mind calculating the precise amount of force to apply to Shady Shrew’s damage points to inflict maximum pain while leaving the criminal cruelly alive. Max, well-familiar with that face, got the ambulance on standby.” –Dr. Larry Erhardt

“I really dislike the artwork in Gil Thorp but I do like that first panel. ‘I was making money for my future, while you? You decided to be a hamburger. Great choice, loser.’” –BeckoningChasm

“I feel like this is actually a great multi-level joke. On the surface, Sarge is saying ‘Ha ha, here’s a mundane task involving a bucket!’ but on a deeper level he’s saying ‘Did you think you were going to die one day? No, those kinds of lists are for people with finite, changing lives. Yours stretches out to infinity but will remain unchanged for as long as you exist. This is your bucket, my friend, for now and forever.’” –pugfuggly

“We’re in this post-pandemic ‘return to normal’ phase right now, and it’s oddly comforting to see someone spitting on an employee in a public place.” –Joe Blevins

“And thus begins a storyline that’s bizarre even for Dick Tracy. Starbucks, fearing its local monopoly is threatened by Bean Howz, a second coffee shop opened by the owner of Howz You Bean?, sends in criminals to spit out the coffee and also, from the look of things, to be the only customers.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Nobody with any sense of shame would display an acquaintance’s award in their home as if they earned it themself, so I’m looking forward to seeing the custom trophy case Les buys for this.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“When do you suppose the Hagar brain trust really felt they had nailed the identity of the hulking Irishman? Did the enormous shamrock pinned to his tunic seal the deal? The shock of red hair peeking out from underneath the leprechaun hat? Or was it the river of vomit cascading down his front that best said ‘Son of the Emerald Isle’?” –Vice President John Adams

“Absolutely no one who has met this man calls him Coffyhead. Asshole, Prick, Goddamn Jerk, Fuckhead McDoucheface, That Utter Piece of Shit, and many more names, yes. But I cannot believe for one moment anyone calls him Coffyhead.” –jroggs

“Your doting parents named you ‘Coffyhead,’ my dude, not ‘Coffeehead.’ With that moniker, you are contractually obligated to be a ride-or-die fan of the 1973 Blaxploitation film Coffy, starring Pam Grier and Booker Bradshaw. This is not to say you can’t also enjoy and be choosy about coffee — you can! — but please take care to apply your violent passion to the correct obsession. Apologize to this poor barista, drop a few bucks in the tip jar, and go watch your favorite movie in peace.” –els

“The villains are a bowtie-wearing coffee snob and a guy who obnoxiously insists on wearing a t-shirt when it’s snowing. I guess we’ve firmly settled that yes, Dick Tracy takes place in Chicago. Can’t wait to hear their Tarantino-esque pop culture driving conversation about the Mountain Goats playing the Old Town School.” –Dan

“Little did Grossie know that the only way to eliminate wrinkles in human skin is to remove folds, and the only way to remove folds was to remove her third dimension. But that was all right; having two dimensions was an improvement over the way she’s usually written.” –Voshkod

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!