“Yes, when two people start dating, if those two people have dogs, every activity — nay, every location they visit — must be prefaced by the word ‘dog.’ You don’t go to the park; you go to the dog park! The beach? Please. We go to the dog beach with our perfectly symmetrical dogs. Next, we’ll see Wilbur and Carol visit a dog brewery! The dog movies! A joint visit to the dog ophthalmologist (which is different than an ophthalmologist for dogs)!” –els

“It’s a good thing kids don’t actually read newspaper comics, including one called Comics for Kids. Otherwise, this might be the day that millions of children across America start pedantically correcting others about which sea creatures are fish and which are not.” –Joe Blevins

“Oh, we’re getting married all right. And you know what else? Neither of us is getting gunned down outside the church. I know no one asked, but still, you can take that one to the bank!” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Yep, the US-China trade war has been hell but I took what was left of my hedge fund and bought this fishing lodge slash vineyard slash tax dodge.” –Hibbleton

“For some reason, I thought all the characters in this strip were completely aware of all the stuff the other characters have been doing. I mean, their lives all are so boring, so wouldn’t they spend a bunch of time gossiping, on the off chance that they’ll find entertainment in hearing about a bunch of different boring people whose lives just might be slightly less boring than their own? Come on. Don’t tell me Michelle hasn’t even heard of Edward’s dog.” –made of wince

“As is Columbus Day tradition, the boats are full of filthy disease ridden parasites that are going to brutally colonize Dag’s digestive track.” –Jerp+Jump

“Leroy was just about to sign those divorce papers, and Loretta thought one last jab could only hasten the process, but now he’s not going to, out of spite.” –Violet

“GEORGE: I see. So this is why you asked me to wear this shirt today. Not because you found it handsome, but because it would make me look like a fool. [stands up] Well done, Martha. I feel like a fool. [leaves room]
MARTHA: [continues laughing]
DENNIS: [looks around uncomfortably]” –Dan

“Everyone else can watch the ceremony online. But I’m a realist, so I am saying ‘can,’ not ‘will.’” –Ettorre

“Well, back in MY day, when someone asked who else will be there, you give NAMES, dammit! She wants to know if she’s going to have to deal with Rex and Buck or not, and your non-answer isn’t helping!” –Mysterion

“In a surprise bid to stay relevant, Dennis the Menace enters the ‘bad art friend’ discourse.” –Biiirdmaaan!

“I love the side-eye that walrus is giving, seemingly trying to read the text. ‘Ok, sure, polar bears eat seals, but what about walruses? This is a pressing and not-at-all-hypothetical question here!’” –pugfuggly

“I’ve never gone to war but I might develop PTSD after seeing that weird, orange plaid chair.” –nescio

“Yeah, Mark served in Afghanistan. He got a dishonorable discharge after his patrol got wiped out. It was a cool day on the slopes of Tora Bora, and Mark was on point. A woodsman, he could move like a ghost through the trees. Mark heard a noise, a small scuffling against rock. He froze, put his hand up in the fist, and the patrol froze with him. Slowly Mark moved forward, and then he saw it. Meriones zarudnyi. ‘Guys,’ he shouted. ‘There’s a Zarudny’s jird up here! Very rare, only found in Afghanistan, Iran, and Turkemistan!’ The little rodent looked back at Mark as the Taliban machine guns opened fire.” –Voshkod

“While the few remaining undomesticated humans skitter past in their no-longer-needed icebreaker, the gulls know the deal: you spread a few fish around, maybe you tip off a bear on seal locations every once in a while, maybe you don’t. Let the others fight. You’ve got your own racket, and nobody loses, except the arctic cod.” –pastordan

“Like, they expect you to remember to catch the bus. Oh well, time to watch soaps with you all day, mom.” –2+2=7

“I appreciate this woman whose dream job is teetering on the edge of extinction. She’s making the moves on a guy whose current job is at a local newspaper so it’s nice that they’ll have something in common in a few years.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“In my dreams I don’t function as a being. Also when I’m awake, actually.” –Applemask

“You might think that Carol is being vague to avoid this exact question from Wilbur, but this is Santa Royale, where everyone’s favourite food is ‘any.’” –Rosstifer

“My favorite part about today’s Family Circus is Jeffy’s squinty eyes. They have the effect of making him look downright smug. ‘That’s right, Dolly — I got hurt, and I’ll have you know I only cried for 20 minutes. And if you think this is bad, you oughta see Daniel Tiger. Who’s a baby now, huh?’” –Austria

“You have to admit, if anyone is going to understand a scam in which art is only a tertiary concern at best, it’s the makers of a Walker-Browne legacy comic strip.” –pastordan

“‘Hey, Loweezy, I caught some dadburn fish!’ ‘That’s great, I’ll cook ’em up with some butter an’ eggs!’ ‘Oh, ah, whoops, I swiped your butter an’ eggs money while I was looking for worms to catch the fish, and lost it gambling. My bad!’ It’s basically O. Henry’s Gift of the Magi, but the opposite.” –BigTed

“Cassie stole the diamond in front of several eyewitnesses, and Slylock knows from experience that she’s just going to go straight home and answer the door in a towel saying she couldn’t possibly have stolen the diamond because she’s been taking a bath for the past two hours even though there’s a utility bill stating that her water’s been cut off for weeks or some shit.” –jroggs

“The next week of Dustin strips will portray all the principal and peripheral cast being devoured by increasing hordes of raccoons. Then the next few weeks after that will show the remaining world population being swarmed and gruesomely devoured by raccoons. Then the feature will continue on for several years as just drawings of desolate landscapes and abandoned buildings with the raccoon swarms just kind of swarming all over everything, until the comic is eventually cancelled for being TOO popular.” –The Great Joe Bivins

“I don’t want to be one of those entitled fans complaining that female characters are no longer depicted as sexy. But Cassandra is a female cat burglar — there will be always an element of seduction, you cannot put her into sensible clothes! You made a sexy furry? Sorry, now you must live with what you have created!” –Ettorre

“I’ve pretty much heard everything before. I’m terribly old and long for the release that death will bring.” –Pozzo

“Wilbur is just absolutely flummoxed by the idea, even the concept, of buying toys for a small creature in your care, and every day another thread in the Dawn tapestry comes into view.” –Dan

“This strip has finally gotten its formula down to the essence. Panel 1: introduce new idea. Panel 2: ‘Oh yeah? What about poop?’” –pugfuggly

“I like how shocked Hi looks in panel 2, like he’s seeing Thirsty for the first time. ‘This rumpled, slouching, hair-growing-wild-over-his-eyes, beer stinking slob who’s been my neighbor and best friend for longer than living memory,’ he thinks. ‘Could he be a fashion iconoclast?’” –Amelie Wikström

“You know, I actually got drunk before I picked out this outfit last night. Then I got even more drunk and fell asleep on it. It worked out great, as you can see. Anyway, I’m throwing my life away.” –made of wince

“Pluggers invented low-rise jeans. Take THAT, you coastal hipster elites!!” –Where’s Rocky

“Mary Worth shows us what happens when both players select the same dog in a 16-bit fighting game.” –Lee Sherman

“You’re not going to jail, Abby. Jail is a county or municipal lockup for misdemeanor imprisonments of a year or less. Arson’s a felony. You’re going to prison.” –cheech wizard

“I wouldn’t think you’d need someone to ‘recommend’ chew toys to you, but then again, this is Wilbur we’re talking about. ‘How about this? Is this a good chew toy?’ ‘No, Wilbur, that’s heartworm medication.’ ‘What about this?’ ‘…That’s a chinchilla.’” –TheDiva

“Inwardly, Carol sighed. She knew how this ended, in a musty apartment heavy with the smell of gin and despair, trying to pretend to be interested in a monster until she had just enough evidence to call in the heavies with the long guns. She screwed her smile to the sticking point, twirled her hair slightly, and leaned forward, and watched Wilbur’s pupils dilate in response. She had him, and soon she’d prove that he wasn’t fit. Not a good fit for his dog. It was a difficult and sometimes disgusting job, but Carol knew what she was getting into when she became an undercover agent for the ASPCA.” –Voshkod

“How unfortunate. We could have used his skills to bore the enemy to death. Well, there’s only one option left. Get me … Buck. And may god have mercy on our souls.” –Schroduck

“Daisy’s panel one expression is pretty accurate for a dog who just realized the mailman is wearing a uniform that might be made out of her parents.” –Irrischano

“What better use of a visual medium than telling the readers about an image they can’t see?” –Urlance Woolsbane

“Incidentally, by Wilbur’s ‘new friend,’ they mean Carol. Pierre considers himself more of an associate.” –Joe Blevins

“Wait — the closest Beetle Bailey has gotten to actual war is war games. Are they using real bullets now? As a taxpayer, I should object, but if one hits Chip Gizmo, I’ll let it slide.” –Pozzo

“I appreciate that there’s a ‘Camp Swampy Bugle‘ sign right behind Rocky’s head because I can only assume before they did that Halftruck would wander into random buildings and yell at whoever was there.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Yes, Rocky is Beetle Bailey’s resident rebel due to his uh … name and hair, I guess? But black pompadour or no, he must refer to his superior as ‘sir.’” –Irrischano

“Say what you want about Dithers, but he doesn’t give himself some fancy desk chair he wouldn’t also buy for his employees. And that’s in spite of how a nice chair might help with the constant discomfort caused by his terrifying stumpy little baby legs. If it’s good enough for his human-legged workers, it’s good enough for him.” –Dan

“I have long admired Dagwood for continuing to wear a tuxedo to work every day since the 1930s long after the joke stopped making sense. I also admire him for writing his contracts with either a pen or a pencil instead of some kind of word processing software, keeping up another habit from the 1930s. His dedication is highlighted by the presence of a monitor on his desktop that must serve as a paperweight of some sort. Hang in there, Dag! Don’t let that blasted 21st century push you around!” –Larry McAwful

“Pluggers are old and weak, and also carry around a lot of crap. It’s sad.” –pugfuggly

“Okay, I’m a little slow, but I just realized the function of Wilbur in Mary Worth: to keep Mary humble. After all, when you constantly create romances, save marriages, and heal trauma with your advice, you need a reminder that not every problem can be solved with your wisdom and platitudes. Advise an older woman that dating a younger man is acceptable, and Wilbur will end up on a cruise dating the dance instructor before getting scammed. Suggest to a lonely older man that a pet is a good way to improve your social life, and Wilbur will go and adopt a dog hoping to ‘pick up chicks.’ Even Wilbur’s job — an advice columnist — makes a twisted mockery of Mary’s noble calling. Wilbur is the Harriet to Mary’s Emma, the Fool to Mary’s Lear, the eternal corrective to Mary’s tendency to pridefulness. In short, it’s our duty as an audience to enjoy watching Wilbur suffer, for only thus can Mary realize the limits to her own power of meddling.” –Thelonius_Nick

“I guess we know why Skyler hasn’t been seen in Shoe lately, child (fledgling?) protective services removed him from a plainly unsanitary living situation.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“I’ve finally figured it out: Dagwood’s neck is a flesh-colored coiled spring. Someday it’s going to get stretched out and Dagwood’s head will be bobbing around like a broken jack-in-the-box, at least a foot above his body, while he desperately tries to finish snarfing his final sandwich.” –made of wince

“Ten thousand yards uprange, the Lockheed Martin executives and the Generals shook hands. The tech demo was good. The food-seeking micro-missiles would be a line item in the next DoD appropriations bill. Sure, they’d never be used in battle, but as long as the executives got a big raise, and the Generals were all in line to become executives when they retired, everyone was happy. Downrange, PFC Bailey’s blood pooled on the floor of the mess tent.” –Voshkod

“Rarely has Rex been so wrong. Reading your own published work can only result in regret. ‘Look at all the typos. This sequence makes no sense. What idiot wrote this?’” –KevinR

“I interpret Godiva’s self-pointing gesture as an infuriated response to instruction from the director. ‘You want me to make my top even more precarious? This top?!’” –Violet

“‘Ford’s Theatre… Don’t we risk altering history?’ ‘We must! Netflix is eager for new content and we can earn big bucks with a recording of Our American Cousin! For some reason, I can’t find a modern production willing to stage it again.’” –Ettorre

“So there’s evidently a stadium full of spectators — you can see the umbrellas! — sitting out in the dark, in the rain, watching this lone 70-ish woman dance around the center of the field in a storm. After she’s hauled off in a stretcher, maybe they can all go home and dry off.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Just what is the dress code situation at Diet Smith’s lab? Smith himself wears a suit, since he’s the boss, but the other employees are all over the place. One dresses like a UPS guy, plus there’s a lady in a lab coat (because science). Then there’s a third guy wearing what seems to be a suit with a bowtie — conservative enough, but he has the spiky hair and oversized sunglasses of a 1980s advertising mascot. If you ever want to be taken seriously in the mad science game, Smith, I want to see some uniformity among your henchpeople.” –Joe Blevins

“Dagwood’s shocked expression seems a bit much in reaction to a decent but not great joke. Is it because the setup-punchline structure of what he thought was a normal neighborly conversation has torn away the veil of his apparent suburban realm to reveal his life as a simulacrum in which he is an unknowing player for our prurient entertainment? As everything solid melts into air, is his only thought really ’75 bucks? That’s a lot for some shitty electric screwdriver’?” –Lawyerbob

“Wilbur may not look like the peak of human athletic prowess, but at maximum frolicking velocity he is the fastest land animal on Earth. You can hide, Pierre, but you cannot run.” –jroggs

“On the one hand, that’s a pretty dope goldfish. On the other hand … what? He doesn’t … he doesn’t ‘really’ talk? Does he do something similar to talking that you can’t categorize as ‘really’ talking? Is that what the bubbles are supposed to be? Is that where, Dennis, you get the impression that this creature wishes to verbally communicate with you? Is there actually a joke here? Whose fish is this? And why is a fish this gigantic in a bowl this small? Ketcham and associates, why have you done this to me?” –els