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FOLKS … it’s time again for the comment of the week

“In today’s semifinals of the Who Can Pour More Coffee in Their Lap tournament, we see the different strategies of the three contestants. Drew stays with the traditional tip your full cup approach, while Sophie, perhaps relying on new analytics, goes with pour the coffee over the edge of the cup. My money, however, is on the old pro Dr. Jeff, who is skipping the cup altogether for the direct carafe to crotch spill! Well played, Dr. Jeff — go big or go home!” –Lawyerbob

Also time for your very funny runners up!

“Who are those babies? Are those the miscarriages and scarlet fever victims? A grim reminder of why vaccines are so important. I respect it.” –jerp+jump

“If they’re implying that Jeffy is going to eventually get laid I’m not buying it.” –nescio

“At no point in the past week was Drew wearing a watch. I guess this means Ashlee stole it during their impromptu pizza date and Drew only checks what time it is a few times a month.” –jroggs

“Gotta hand it to Drew, the bar for ‘young person’s romantic mishaps in Mary Worth’ was set at ‘Dawn’ and he still managed to sail right under it. That’s weirdly impressive!” –Dan

“I know that the strip club comment is probably just a sad endnote on this plot, but I really hope it’s more. Like I really hope Max gets hired by the strip club and convinces them to keep all the old theater seats and popcorn machine for nostalgia’s sake, and helps the strippers cater to the specifics tastes of the community and eventually they open the Starbuck Jones All-Nude Review to great success. Please please make me this comic.” –pugfuggly

“It’s going to be awkward trying to explain this to the pastafamilias.” –Peanut Gallery

“I will wager that the Valentine Theater will get a last minute reprieve from being turned into a strip club, thus enabling it to exist 9 years in the future. Maybe the dead church organist left a substantial bequest to the theater. Maybe a valuable comic book will be found stuffed in one of the seat cushions. Maybe Ed Crankshaft will finally retire from driving a school bus, freeing up the town’s financial resources previously devoted to repairing the trail of destruction he left behind. So many possibilities!” –GeoGreg

“Panel one seems to be the sort of optical illusion I’d expect to find in Slylock Fox. ‘Which of these two over-privileged white women is larger? Turn your screen upside-down for the answer.’” –Pozzo

“Watch it, Drew. As soon as Ashlee casts covetous eyes on your dad’s Mr. Coffee machine it’s as good as hers.” –Guillermo el Chiclero

“Going for a walk every morning is a sign of great emotional distress! Either that, or it’s a sign that someone is fairly wealthy, and extremely relaxed.” –BigTed

“For lack of a watch, Drew is hours late for his date with Ashley. Fireworks are avoided, however, because Ashley sold the watch and is at home in a cocaine stupor. It’s like a seedy Gift of the Magi.” –Dean Booth, on Twitter

“Drew is so happy eating his Roundwich™ and thinking about happy times with his dad.” –Malaclypse

“‘You’re the only adult guy I know who still lives with his father!’ Truly, no strip has ever gone this far out of its way to demonstrate that it doesn’t understand millennials, not even Dustin.” –pastordan

“Alternate joke: ‘Cargo shorts? Gross.’” –Joe Blevins

“Sure, Ashlee’s dad is being chased by police at 120 miles an hour in a car with what appears to be a canvas tent draped over the windshield, but he’s got those hands on ten and two. Criminal he may be, but this is Mary Worth, where Driver’s Ed rules are king.” –els

“Ugh, the single-use plastics are here. Or maybe the acid just kicked in. Am I me, or am I a jar on a shelf filled with Cheerios. The jar is filled with Cheerios, not the shelf, that’d be crazy. I am a jar. I’m ajar. My whole life was ajar, a door slightly open, but now I’ve thrown the doors of perception wide open, and I’m just a jar. Someone’s gonna come along and take off the top of my head and scoop out my Cheerio brains and eat them with milk and … and … and I hope they have strawberries too. Man, the single-use plastics are dancing now, celebrating their eternal life, a brief moment in the sun filled with food and a long afterlife in the Hades of the dark landfill. Man. I gotta get a new dealer.” –Voshkod

“Dagwood’s car is clearly too old to have an autopilot, and yet he’s driving Herb home with both hands on his burger, eyes closed. Good thing they’re wearing seatbelts.” –DNH

“Rex is absolutely trying to see if he has heat vision that will put an end to that damned letter.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“The most interesting part of this meal is not the conversation but the bite mark that Dr. Drew has imparted to his hamburger. It is a single bite, in the form of an absolutely perfect semi-circle of only one quarter-inch radius. Drew himself is apparently morphing into Jimmy Olsen, but he retains the delicate dentifrice and the ultra-precise biting skills of a top-flight surgeon!” –seismic-2

“Kids will be who they’re going to be. Adopting fatalism helped me as parent, since I no longer believe I am responsible for the consequences of my actions. Of course, it helps me even more as a doctor.” –Ettorre

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Folks! Your comment of the week in a moment, but speaking of comments … faithful reader/Joshreads dot com tech guy Adam Norwood updated my server and the WordPress software that runs this site to the latest versions of everything last night, and that may have caused a little weirdness with the comment moderation bot, combined with the fact that I put the letter sequence “ex ex ex” in the title of the this morning’s post despite the fact that that’s exactly one of the letter sequences the modbot hates the most. Apologies! I do want to gently suggest, however, that if you find your comment moderated, you should email me at bio@jfruh.com rather than doing endless tests to see what the modbot will do, because (a) if you keep doing things the modbot thinks are spam, especially if you do them over a short period of time, it may decide you’re definitely spam and make it more difficult for you to post in the future, and (b) I will eventually get to the modbot queue and if I find a bunch of “test!” “will this work?” posts, what am I supposed to do with them? Free them and leave them on the site where they’ll look odd, or leave them as spam and count them against your modbot karma? Anyway sorry to be cranky and I know it’s annoying, but that’s my advice to you!

Anyway, nobody could possibly moderate this delightful top comment of the week:

“Keep it up, baby, keep it up! Atlas is dead and only you can hold the sky, preventing Uranus from copulating with Gaia once again and producing monsters.” –Ettorre

These runners up could only annoy the most unfeeling artificial intelligence:

“I’m kinda bummed that Dustin’s sister made that quip, mostly because it sucks ass, but also because we don’t get to see the follow-up on Dustin’s Dad’s comment. You know, where he asks a store employee to get involved in a personal discussion about the tastes of a family member of theirs who isn’t present? Really wanted to see where that was going.” –pugfuggly

“Apparently, people void their bowels at the point of death, so Marvin will at least die doing what he loves.” –Rosstifer

“They don’t call jealousy the green-eyed monster for nothing, but did she have to be so precocious and annoying?” –pastordan

“Just calling my shot early. Somehow, Vidpa plagiarizes Sarah’s letter and his next book is Kitty Cop Says Thanks To His Godlike Creator.” –Victor Von

“‘Call me ACE OF SPADES!’
-Taken
‘King of Spades?’
-Taken
‘Ja…’
–Taken” –Lorne Hanks, on Twitter

“No cell phones, just vibing (by which I mean that Loretta has brought someone over to watch Leroy humiliate himself in person instead of making it into a viral video like anyone else would).” –matt w

“The joke is that they’re getting Dennis neutered? Right? Right!?” –The Rambling Otter

“Today’s Lockhorns also explains why they live in a featureless void: any time he tries to decorate the place, Leroy suffers a grievous injury.” –Thelonious_Nick

“Apparently, June likes to display blank plates that say absolutely nothing and have no artwork whatsoever. It’s a shout out to let us know what this strip is about.” –Sequitur

“That’s just great, you get home from your Fashion Police job only to find out your wife is wearing a pink blouse with a red belt. Will she never learn to respect the badge?” –made of wince

“‘Indian princess burned at the stake’ seems like it’s going to be a little … problematic on Instagram.” –Tom T.

“Birds eat cicadas, so this strip is not going to end well for someone.” –Pozzo

“Not rendering judgment on anyone’s artistic abilities, but I do think the current Mary Worth art has a tendency to depict its characters as more fluid and, well, conventionally attractive than many other strips. So I was initially disappointed that we would not get to experience panel one — in which Ashlee appears to be anxiously following orders to ‘do the sprinkler, but with more hip dislocation’ issued by a sniper somewhere to Drew’s left — in the pure Dadaist glory of, say, old-school Dick Tracy art. But on reflection I think it’s even more effective this way. Would we even understand how awkward that scene is, if the artist had not mastered both perspective and biceps? Does not a diamond gleam most brightly against black velvet? Well done, Moy and Brigman. Well done.” –Skedastic

“In Drew’s ‘Salute to America,’ we have blue ‘spacious skies’ as a backdrop. The clouds play the part of ‘purple mountains majesty’ while Ashlee fills in the ‘fruited plains’ and her outfit conjures ‘amber waves of grain.’ It’s patriotic, over-the-top, and over-sexualized. It’s awe- and laugh-inspiring. It is America.” –Voshkod

“Is this the library or just a literary-themed singles’ bar with a really bad drink selection?” –jroggs

“We were led to believe that libraries were needed for poor people such as Zane since his family can’t afford a computer at home. However, it’s because his house is so small that he can’t get any privacy and needs public services such as libraries for a quickie. I’m no Kellyanne Conway, but I believe that platform will resonate with the electorate.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Joke’s on the boss; he made the mistake of speaking to Leroy at a party, and is now forever trapped in an endless void of infinite nothing. Sometimes he’ll make out half-realized shades of other people, smiling and enjoying drinks far away, but mostly he’ll wander through a pink and purple mist for eternity as Leroy obliviously huffs his way home to complain about Loretta’s roast. Good luck, Boss! Enjoy retirement.” –Dan

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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What’s that sound? It’s the C to the O to the T to the W!

“Mary would rather tsk, tsk about the wild, sexy girl on a bad path than watch the magnificent pod of dolphins frolicking a hundred feet away from her. Say what you will about our Mary, she likes what she likes.” –BigTed

And your hilarious runners up are also making some noise!

“Six casters on your office chair and an ice rink for a floor is an OSHA farce.” –Ben Harper, on Twitter

“So disappointing to see the Lego bricks sitting there as a choking hazard for five panels while Marvin fails to take the bait. And his parents are distracted, too.” –nescio

“What the fuck is going on with Dick’s hand in that middle panel? Is this like the hands-free model of his watch phone, where you strap a plastic forearm to your shoulder?” –pugfuggly

“Dennis is going to be real disappointed in 20 years, when this kid isn’t the sympathetic defense attorney representing him, but rather the high profile D.A. bringing the charges.” –richardf8

“Look Hi, I’ll put it like this: if it’s a choice of having you working here or me having to look at your hideous family’s peanut-shaped heads and your baby’s weird hair all the time, well, you don’t want me making that decision.” –Truckosaurus

“Poor Chip. He puts on his cleanest hat, irons his shirt, finally combs the goddamn hair out of his goddamn eyes, and they still make him stand fourteen feet away from everyone else. Even Ditto is more included, and everyone hates that asshole.” –els

“I assume Mary’s out meddling in the lives of smugglers or fish because I can’t imagine her doing something as frivolous as a boat ride simply for pleasure.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Nega-Hi looked back at the Phantom Zone he had mounted as a trophy on the wall. The real Hi and his family, nearly frozen in time and space, looked back in horror. The boss rolled his eyes and moved on, and Nega-Hi began his march of conquest. First, this cube. Next, this floor. Finally, the company and eventually, the world! But for now, he finished his coffee as he chortled about his victory over the boss and the rules. Coffee first, conquest second, right after he finished those reports. There’s always time for conquest, he thought.” –Voshkod

“Panel 2’s art might have been better saved for the day Dr. Jeff has to tell Mary about his terminal cancer diagnosis. Maybe it’s just me, but these are some really heavy emotional expressions for, ‘My son dated someone who wasn’t a cloistered nun,’ and ‘Really?’” –jroggs

“That birdie is a liar! Nothing gets interesting here!” –Ettorre

“No tongue-wagging laughter after the punchline? What’s the matter with these people? Did they just get back from a funeral or something?” –made of wince

“Bird sex doesn’t require being attractive to humans, it requires being attractive to other birds. When that male bird wants to find a mate, he puffs up his chin butt and lets out a loud farting sound. It may be repulsive to us, but to the female of his species it’s pants-droppingly sexy AF.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Dennis the Menace trying to cash in on some of that sweet, sweet, uh… I guess Lockhorns cash?” –Dan

“While we’re on the topic of mouths vs. beaks, how exactly does a lipless bird-gal drink a martini? Does she just tilt the glass towards her face and hope for the best?” –Mr. A

“Depending on your point of view either Dennis is too young to remember Married with Children or it’s still three decades from airing. Anyway, it’s nice that he can drop by the Wilsons’ place anytime for some substitute Bundy barbs.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Maybe it’s just the doctor in me, Mary, but I would love to perform an appendectomy on you right now.” –Peanut Gallery

“Shouldn’t a flatlander like Barney have a car and not have to go everywhere on horseback, on a horse named for a car part? Or is the terrain of Hootin’ Holler so rugged that there’s no way for a car to negotiate it? Or is it just that bringin’ one of them fancy, demonic horseless carriages up there and flauntin’ it around all the time is a good way to get murdered?” –Morgan Wick

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!