“You have to admit, if anyone is going to understand a scam in which art is only a tertiary concern at best, it’s the makers of a Walker-Browne legacy comic strip.” –pastordan

“‘Hey, Loweezy, I caught some dadburn fish!’ ‘That’s great, I’ll cook ’em up with some butter an’ eggs!’ ‘Oh, ah, whoops, I swiped your butter an’ eggs money while I was looking for worms to catch the fish, and lost it gambling. My bad!’ It’s basically O. Henry’s Gift of the Magi, but the opposite.” –BigTed

“Cassie stole the diamond in front of several eyewitnesses, and Slylock knows from experience that she’s just going to go straight home and answer the door in a towel saying she couldn’t possibly have stolen the diamond because she’s been taking a bath for the past two hours even though there’s a utility bill stating that her water’s been cut off for weeks or some shit.” –jroggs

“The next week of Dustin strips will portray all the principal and peripheral cast being devoured by increasing hordes of raccoons. Then the next few weeks after that will show the remaining world population being swarmed and gruesomely devoured by raccoons. Then the feature will continue on for several years as just drawings of desolate landscapes and abandoned buildings with the raccoon swarms just kind of swarming all over everything, until the comic is eventually cancelled for being TOO popular.” –The Great Joe Bivins

“I don’t want to be one of those entitled fans complaining that female characters are no longer depicted as sexy. But Cassandra is a female cat burglar — there will be always an element of seduction, you cannot put her into sensible clothes! You made a sexy furry? Sorry, now you must live with what you have created!” –Ettorre

“I’ve pretty much heard everything before. I’m terribly old and long for the release that death will bring.” –Pozzo

“Wilbur is just absolutely flummoxed by the idea, even the concept, of buying toys for a small creature in your care, and every day another thread in the Dawn tapestry comes into view.” –Dan

“This strip has finally gotten its formula down to the essence. Panel 1: introduce new idea. Panel 2: ‘Oh yeah? What about poop?’” –pugfuggly

“I like how shocked Hi looks in panel 2, like he’s seeing Thirsty for the first time. ‘This rumpled, slouching, hair-growing-wild-over-his-eyes, beer stinking slob who’s been my neighbor and best friend for longer than living memory,’ he thinks. ‘Could he be a fashion iconoclast?’” –Amelie Wikström

“You know, I actually got drunk before I picked out this outfit last night. Then I got even more drunk and fell asleep on it. It worked out great, as you can see. Anyway, I’m throwing my life away.” –made of wince

“Pluggers invented low-rise jeans. Take THAT, you coastal hipster elites!!” –Where’s Rocky

“Mary Worth shows us what happens when both players select the same dog in a 16-bit fighting game.” –Lee Sherman

“You’re not going to jail, Abby. Jail is a county or municipal lockup for misdemeanor imprisonments of a year or less. Arson’s a felony. You’re going to prison.” –cheech wizard

“I wouldn’t think you’d need someone to ‘recommend’ chew toys to you, but then again, this is Wilbur we’re talking about. ‘How about this? Is this a good chew toy?’ ‘No, Wilbur, that’s heartworm medication.’ ‘What about this?’ ‘…That’s a chinchilla.’” –TheDiva

“Inwardly, Carol sighed. She knew how this ended, in a musty apartment heavy with the smell of gin and despair, trying to pretend to be interested in a monster until she had just enough evidence to call in the heavies with the long guns. She screwed her smile to the sticking point, twirled her hair slightly, and leaned forward, and watched Wilbur’s pupils dilate in response. She had him, and soon she’d prove that he wasn’t fit. Not a good fit for his dog. It was a difficult and sometimes disgusting job, but Carol knew what she was getting into when she became an undercover agent for the ASPCA.” –Voshkod

“How unfortunate. We could have used his skills to bore the enemy to death. Well, there’s only one option left. Get me … Buck. And may god have mercy on our souls.” –Schroduck

“Daisy’s panel one expression is pretty accurate for a dog who just realized the mailman is wearing a uniform that might be made out of her parents.” –Irrischano

“What better use of a visual medium than telling the readers about an image they can’t see?” –Urlance Woolsbane

“Incidentally, by Wilbur’s ‘new friend,’ they mean Carol. Pierre considers himself more of an associate.” –Joe Blevins

“Wait — the closest Beetle Bailey has gotten to actual war is war games. Are they using real bullets now? As a taxpayer, I should object, but if one hits Chip Gizmo, I’ll let it slide.” –Pozzo

“I appreciate that there’s a ‘Camp Swampy Bugle‘ sign right behind Rocky’s head because I can only assume before they did that Halftruck would wander into random buildings and yell at whoever was there.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Yes, Rocky is Beetle Bailey’s resident rebel due to his uh … name and hair, I guess? But black pompadour or no, he must refer to his superior as ‘sir.’” –Irrischano

“Say what you want about Dithers, but he doesn’t give himself some fancy desk chair he wouldn’t also buy for his employees. And that’s in spite of how a nice chair might help with the constant discomfort caused by his terrifying stumpy little baby legs. If it’s good enough for his human-legged workers, it’s good enough for him.” –Dan

“I have long admired Dagwood for continuing to wear a tuxedo to work every day since the 1930s long after the joke stopped making sense. I also admire him for writing his contracts with either a pen or a pencil instead of some kind of word processing software, keeping up another habit from the 1930s. His dedication is highlighted by the presence of a monitor on his desktop that must serve as a paperweight of some sort. Hang in there, Dag! Don’t let that blasted 21st century push you around!” –Larry McAwful

“Pluggers are old and weak, and also carry around a lot of crap. It’s sad.” –pugfuggly

“Okay, I’m a little slow, but I just realized the function of Wilbur in Mary Worth: to keep Mary humble. After all, when you constantly create romances, save marriages, and heal trauma with your advice, you need a reminder that not every problem can be solved with your wisdom and platitudes. Advise an older woman that dating a younger man is acceptable, and Wilbur will end up on a cruise dating the dance instructor before getting scammed. Suggest to a lonely older man that a pet is a good way to improve your social life, and Wilbur will go and adopt a dog hoping to ‘pick up chicks.’ Even Wilbur’s job — an advice columnist — makes a twisted mockery of Mary’s noble calling. Wilbur is the Harriet to Mary’s Emma, the Fool to Mary’s Lear, the eternal corrective to Mary’s tendency to pridefulness. In short, it’s our duty as an audience to enjoy watching Wilbur suffer, for only thus can Mary realize the limits to her own power of meddling.” –Thelonius_Nick

“I guess we know why Skyler hasn’t been seen in Shoe lately, child (fledgling?) protective services removed him from a plainly unsanitary living situation.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“I’ve finally figured it out: Dagwood’s neck is a flesh-colored coiled spring. Someday it’s going to get stretched out and Dagwood’s head will be bobbing around like a broken jack-in-the-box, at least a foot above his body, while he desperately tries to finish snarfing his final sandwich.” –made of wince

“Ten thousand yards uprange, the Lockheed Martin executives and the Generals shook hands. The tech demo was good. The food-seeking micro-missiles would be a line item in the next DoD appropriations bill. Sure, they’d never be used in battle, but as long as the executives got a big raise, and the Generals were all in line to become executives when they retired, everyone was happy. Downrange, PFC Bailey’s blood pooled on the floor of the mess tent.” –Voshkod

“Rarely has Rex been so wrong. Reading your own published work can only result in regret. ‘Look at all the typos. This sequence makes no sense. What idiot wrote this?’” –KevinR

“I interpret Godiva’s self-pointing gesture as an infuriated response to instruction from the director. ‘You want me to make my top even more precarious? This top?!’” –Violet

“‘Ford’s Theatre… Don’t we risk altering history?’ ‘We must! Netflix is eager for new content and we can earn big bucks with a recording of Our American Cousin! For some reason, I can’t find a modern production willing to stage it again.’” –Ettorre

“So there’s evidently a stadium full of spectators — you can see the umbrellas! — sitting out in the dark, in the rain, watching this lone 70-ish woman dance around the center of the field in a storm. After she’s hauled off in a stretcher, maybe they can all go home and dry off.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Just what is the dress code situation at Diet Smith’s lab? Smith himself wears a suit, since he’s the boss, but the other employees are all over the place. One dresses like a UPS guy, plus there’s a lady in a lab coat (because science). Then there’s a third guy wearing what seems to be a suit with a bowtie — conservative enough, but he has the spiky hair and oversized sunglasses of a 1980s advertising mascot. If you ever want to be taken seriously in the mad science game, Smith, I want to see some uniformity among your henchpeople.” –Joe Blevins

“Dagwood’s shocked expression seems a bit much in reaction to a decent but not great joke. Is it because the setup-punchline structure of what he thought was a normal neighborly conversation has torn away the veil of his apparent suburban realm to reveal his life as a simulacrum in which he is an unknowing player for our prurient entertainment? As everything solid melts into air, is his only thought really ’75 bucks? That’s a lot for some shitty electric screwdriver’?” –Lawyerbob

“Wilbur may not look like the peak of human athletic prowess, but at maximum frolicking velocity he is the fastest land animal on Earth. You can hide, Pierre, but you cannot run.” –jroggs

“On the one hand, that’s a pretty dope goldfish. On the other hand … what? He doesn’t … he doesn’t ‘really’ talk? Does he do something similar to talking that you can’t categorize as ‘really’ talking? Is that what the bubbles are supposed to be? Is that where, Dennis, you get the impression that this creature wishes to verbally communicate with you? Is there actually a joke here? Whose fish is this? And why is a fish this gigantic in a bowl this small? Ketcham and associates, why have you done this to me?” –els

“‘Have you ever unironically used the phrase chick magnet?’ is not a question that appears on animal adoption applications, but I’m starting to think it should be.” –The Diva

“A Crankshaft where he’s smiling in every panel is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen on this website.” –Applemask

“Some friends once related a story about living in a haunted house. They would wake up some mornings to the smell of bacon and eggs prepared by no visible hand, always a bit awkward when guests were staying with them. It would be nice if the roles were reversed here, is what I’m saying. (I’d like it if Crankshaft were a ghost.) (I’d like it if Crankshaft were dead.)” –pastordan

“Rookie move, Hannah. Pam and Jeff stopped making coffee in the morning years ago when they saw how much joy it gave Ed. Sadly, the lack of mental stimulation only makes his execrable malapropisms worse. It’s a real damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario.” –Doctor Moreau

“I haven’t really followed what’s going in this strip the last couple days, but is Wilbur buying a dog to try win back the affection of Estelle and her cat, or has he decided to double-down on their breakup? Put more simply, is Wilbur more stupid or petty? Obviously his most defining characteristic is his patheticness, something I’m sure his new dog will pick up quickly and exploit. God I’m looking forward to this.” –pugfuggly

“Okay, look, I can accept a lot of things about the Marvin-verse (the fact that babies’ heads are twice the size of their torsos, or that a child can have a cowlick that’s gotta be six inches tall), but just how the fuck did Marvin open the door? Look at his arms! Look at the height of the doorknob! I’m not a parent, but if I open my front door to see a baby just… sitting there, I might have a few questions.” –els

“At first I thought Lois was peeling a potato, but no, that’s clearly her hand. Her hand that she’s just plunged a knife into and is now fountaining brown blood(?) straight into the salad bowl.” –Schroduck

“Everyone is wondering how a Frenchie winds up in a shelter? Look at those eyes! They’re not horrible, uncanny things that look like they’re about to pop out and make you clench your asshole. They’re nice sweet little dog eyes, and that, my friends, is a serious deviation from the breed standard.” –richardf8

“‘Excuse me, I have to grab Chance Macy’ has become my new favorite excuse to escape unwanted conversations.” –But What Do I Know?

“Today’s Gil Thorp appears to be a profound reflection on man’s fundamental alienation from man. Gil shares a fraught but wordless handshake with a rival, has an interaction with Heather which begins in media res and ends just as abruptly with no worthwhile communication achieved, while Marty Moon relentlessly play-by-plays into the void, his face a mask of grim determination with a soupçon of madness about the eyes. Chilling, really.” –Violet

“Sarge has your magazine. Now leave me and my two sheets of A4 printer paper alone.” –jroggs

“Ha ha! Dagwood’s classmate had intelligence and a family with money, but his addictions have got the better of him! Nothing like a little lighthearted darkness in the funny pages to start the day off right.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“There’s no way Sarge is interested in Fine Food — but as it turns out, the magazine entitled Hot, Brown, And Plenty Of It isn’t a culinary publication.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Pick a lane, Harry! I mean, you have obviously already picked a lane, in the sense that you’re staying incredibly busy with music-related projects, so this weird neologism that we here in Westview use either doesn’t make sense or doesn’t apply here. What I want you to do is pick a different lane from the lane you’ve already picked. Why do we talk like this? Is it a curse bestowed upon us by our uncaring creator? Isn’t it enough that we lead the country in cancer and smirk-related mouth injuries?” –Chance

“Lady, there are exactly 3 lanes in Westview; arts, pizza, and death. That said, the first two merge into the third eventually.” –Rosstifer

“‘I hope you and Pierre will create that magic bond!’ Wilbur would ruefully remember those words as he stood over the bodies. So much blood. So much blood. But it what Pierre had demanded, blood for the magic bond. I should have gone to the local animal shelter to get a dog, Wilbur thought, instead of the Satanic temple. Pierre cocked his head slightly and Wilbur fell to his knees, ready to listen to his master’s voice.” –Voshkod