“Dennis the Menace’s idea of a cool, young, single guy looks like the assistant manager of a TJ Maxx in a failing mall. Maybe to Henry Mitchell, that is pretty cool. ‘Look at that pink, scribbly necktie! I bet he got a nice employee discount on that. And I bet he’s only three or four payments behind on that sweet ride, too!’” –Joe Blevins

“What’s really hurting the USPS, and society in general to be honest, is the dwindling number of people who would take the time and resources to write a real letter, put a stamp on it, and send it to the newspaper complaining that something like today’s Six Chix doesn’t make sense, they don’t get it, and they’re angry about it. Pluggers are disappearing, essentially.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Rex momentarily considers tightening his tie just a little more to bring about asphyxiation and get out of not only the wedding but his house. Sadly, he swallows down the bile and soldiers on.” –Needless_Exposition

“Am I the only one dying to see the first half of this conversation that leads to Hi pulling a ‘Well, actually’ on his wife regarding the relative strength and firmness of his feet? Wait, don’t answer that.” –Doctor Moreau

“I bought the rest of the town! Everyone who was mean to you in Starbucks has been evicted from their homes! Surprise!” –Rosstifer

“Lois looking aghast at Hi’s magic feet reminds me of nothing so much as the Wicked Witch of the West regarding the ruby slippers on Dorothy. Suppose Lois were to, say, try to remove Hi’s feet and get electrocuted? To clarify, I’m not saying I want that to happen; I’m saying I need it to happen.” –Violet

“It’s nice to get these little insights into the editing process at a major comics syndicate. Like today, we learned that if you submit the line, ‘Here comes Dennis. Find my tranquilizers, Martha!’ you get back a comment that says, ‘Sound like he’s going to drug/murder a child.’”–Dan

“So, his security is a genie, electric cockroach girl, and a natty bandito? Honestly, once you’ve hired the genie, I think you’re good, but I salute his emphasis on diversity in hiring.” –Voshkod

“What’s the point of protesting to ban time travel? If the protest works, then time travel will never have existed, so you’d have nothing to protest. Hmph! Newbies!” –Dr. Larry Erhardt

“I gave full credit to the empathy of the Mary Worth’s artist. She knew she had to depict Wilbur longingly looking at his ex’s pictures and she took good care of showing his hands well above the desk.” –Ettorre

“While I fully believe that Wilbur likes piña coladas and is not into yoga or health food, I question the probability that he can stay up long enough (in various senses of the term) to make love at midnight — to say nothing of the ‘half a brain’ qualification.” –TheDiva

“The absence of drinks and chips make me think that the game ended long ago and the Flagstons are settling down to watch 60 Minutes. Thurston wakes up, sees Anderson Cooper, and half drunkenly mutters, ‘God! Al Michaels hasn’t aged well.’” –Hibbleton

“Whenever Wilbur presses the Escape key, his laptop plays ‘Escape (The Piña Colada Song)’. When he presses the Control key, it plays Janet Jackson’s ‘Control’. The Caps Lock key just makes all the letters uppercase.” –Anonymous

“The first stop on our Santa Royale bus tour is Charterstone, a rare example of Modern Horror architecture. Note the skewed angles of the Charterstone condo building, which denote the work of the famed architect of New England’s notorious Hill House, Hugh Crain. Here, Crain has abandoned his more Gothic predilections for a bare and streamlined design more suited to the California poolside lifestyle. But even in the brutalist lines of this work, we can see Hugh Crain’s signature style, the total absence of 90-degree angles anywhere within the structure. The windows are also noteworthy for their expressive messages to the casual observer; those at Hill House seeming to warn visitors from approaching the mansion, whilst here at Charterstone they fairly stream with abject fear, as if they were frantically looking to break free from their fixed frames in order to escape from whatever walks within.” –Charterstoned

“I just hope we’ll get to see Estelle sit in Pierre’s piss now.” –nescio

“Sorry, the only QR Dagwood recognizes is ‘Quiznos Reuben.’” –Pozzo

“The Hootin’ Holler Olympics is sponsored by Mountain Dew Rise, the only energy drink powerful enough to fuel a whole townful of men as they spend another week not looking for paid work of any kind.” –BigTed

“I like how both Dustin and his dad twist their heads just 45 degrees in a feigned attempt to say something to Dustin’s mom as she sadly leaves. ‘Were you going t–…No, you go ahead and … uh … ah, she’s probably fine.’” –pugfuggly

“The International Olympic Committee is a highly corrupt farce of an organization but they’re also very protective of their brand so for once I’ll be on their side as they send an army of lawyers to shut down Hootin’ Holler.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I am sitting in a chair and slumping as hard as I can possibly slump, and my knees aren’t as high up as Dustin’s in panel 3. Never say he doesn’t excel at anything.” –matt w

“Funky Winkerbean: Hahahaha! I mean, oh no.” –Noel

“I think Crankshaft has stumbled onto a working formula: Ed spouts vaguely apocalyptic nonsense, causing those around him to panic and seek solace in religion.” –Joe Blevins

“Les and Cayla got up that morning, got cleaned up, ate breakfast, and went to a pumpkin patch. Once they got there maybe an hour later, Les casually mentioned, ‘Oh yeah, by the way, remember that Hollywood movie based on the book I wrote about the woman I wish I was still married too? It tanked, like an anvil in a lake, heh heh. You probably didn’t know that because you never would check the news or reviews on the internet. I don’t either, really, I got an email about it several days ago from a movie star we know but I never bothered to tell you.’

How could any of this be possible? The only conceivable, realistic analysis here is that Cayla finally has moved out or thrown Les out, possibly over his emotional fling with the actor playing Dead Wife Lisa or maybe just his continuing neglect and necrophilia, and this is their weekly rendezvous at the marriage counselor’s office. Anxious to avoid another smirking, pun-filled confrontation before they enter the office, Cayla blames the movie’s promotion rather than the fact the story was trite and tired, ‘a disaster best run late at night on the Hallmark Channel,’ and the film poorly acted — she’s actually read the reviews. Especially the one where the reviewer from Vulture confessed to laughing at the wrong moments. Cayla laughed too. Meanwhile the counselor waits. He is Dr. Linus Van Pelt, all grown up and secretly (and quite insanely) still waiting for the Great Pumpkin to rise from the estate around his home office. ‘Westview is sincere in its misery,’ Dr. Van Pelt tells his security blanket, ‘and I have tapped into the mother lode. I have seen him already,’ Van Pelt adds, not realizing that in fact he only has seen Funky on his morning run.

Across the park, meanwhile, a woman strides to a nearby church, in order to pray for her father to die.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Damn, can’t believe Snuffy Smith is just openly defecating in there. Well, actually, I can.” –Irrischano

“I can tell Carol won’t make it to the ‘Fighting Wilburbabies Nightmare’ stage of the relationship. She may not make it to the dessert stage of this dinner, if she’s smart.” –georgiabob

“Hi looks dejected because the twins don’t want some of his Cream of Lois’s Wig soup.” –nescio

“You’re going to put Claxton to sleep? I prefer sending Claxton to live the rest of his days on a farm.” –Liam

“I know my limits, but those don’t extend so far as to prevent me from eating this … coin?” –Charterstoned

“Les straining his body to the limit hoisting a mid-sized pumpkin into his car made my day. First he tried reading poetry at it, then musing on the fate of arthouse cinemas, and nothing worked. Finally he was forced to resort to labor, like a common … god, what do you even call someone who’s not an artist?!” –Dan

“The deeper underlying story must be why Carol is so desperate. It’s one thing to date someone you have little in common with, but she can see, hear, and presumably smell Wilbur, right?” –Rosstifer

“Welcome to the HAUNTED WELDING SHOP, kids! It’s SCA-A-A-ARY! You’ll see cracks! Inclusions! Porosities! Undercuts and underfills! All leading to… CATASTROPHIC STRUCTURAL FAILURE! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!” –Peanut Gallery

“I hope Sam doesn’t scooch back and kill that bush with his oily hair. He’s already gotten grease stains all over his seat. I pity his pillow cases.” –made of wince

“Yes, when two people start dating, if those two people have dogs, every activity — nay, every location they visit — must be prefaced by the word ‘dog.’ You don’t go to the park; you go to the dog park! The beach? Please. We go to the dog beach with our perfectly symmetrical dogs. Next, we’ll see Wilbur and Carol visit a dog brewery! The dog movies! A joint visit to the dog ophthalmologist (which is different than an ophthalmologist for dogs)!” –els

“It’s a good thing kids don’t actually read newspaper comics, including one called Comics for Kids. Otherwise, this might be the day that millions of children across America start pedantically correcting others about which sea creatures are fish and which are not.” –Joe Blevins

“Oh, we’re getting married all right. And you know what else? Neither of us is getting gunned down outside the church. I know no one asked, but still, you can take that one to the bank!” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Yep, the US-China trade war has been hell but I took what was left of my hedge fund and bought this fishing lodge slash vineyard slash tax dodge.” –Hibbleton

“For some reason, I thought all the characters in this strip were completely aware of all the stuff the other characters have been doing. I mean, their lives all are so boring, so wouldn’t they spend a bunch of time gossiping, on the off chance that they’ll find entertainment in hearing about a bunch of different boring people whose lives just might be slightly less boring than their own? Come on. Don’t tell me Michelle hasn’t even heard of Edward’s dog.” –made of wince

“As is Columbus Day tradition, the boats are full of filthy disease ridden parasites that are going to brutally colonize Dag’s digestive track.” –Jerp+Jump

“Leroy was just about to sign those divorce papers, and Loretta thought one last jab could only hasten the process, but now he’s not going to, out of spite.” –Violet

“GEORGE: I see. So this is why you asked me to wear this shirt today. Not because you found it handsome, but because it would make me look like a fool. [stands up] Well done, Martha. I feel like a fool. [leaves room]
MARTHA: [continues laughing]
DENNIS: [looks around uncomfortably]” –Dan

“Everyone else can watch the ceremony online. But I’m a realist, so I am saying ‘can,’ not ‘will.’” –Ettorre

“Well, back in MY day, when someone asked who else will be there, you give NAMES, dammit! She wants to know if she’s going to have to deal with Rex and Buck or not, and your non-answer isn’t helping!” –Mysterion

“In a surprise bid to stay relevant, Dennis the Menace enters the ‘bad art friend’ discourse.” –Biiirdmaaan!

“I love the side-eye that walrus is giving, seemingly trying to read the text. ‘Ok, sure, polar bears eat seals, but what about walruses? This is a pressing and not-at-all-hypothetical question here!’” –pugfuggly

“I’ve never gone to war but I might develop PTSD after seeing that weird, orange plaid chair.” –nescio

“Yeah, Mark served in Afghanistan. He got a dishonorable discharge after his patrol got wiped out. It was a cool day on the slopes of Tora Bora, and Mark was on point. A woodsman, he could move like a ghost through the trees. Mark heard a noise, a small scuffling against rock. He froze, put his hand up in the fist, and the patrol froze with him. Slowly Mark moved forward, and then he saw it. Meriones zarudnyi. ‘Guys,’ he shouted. ‘There’s a Zarudny’s jird up here! Very rare, only found in Afghanistan, Iran, and Turkemistan!’ The little rodent looked back at Mark as the Taliban machine guns opened fire.” –Voshkod

“While the few remaining undomesticated humans skitter past in their no-longer-needed icebreaker, the gulls know the deal: you spread a few fish around, maybe you tip off a bear on seal locations every once in a while, maybe you don’t. Let the others fight. You’ve got your own racket, and nobody loses, except the arctic cod.” –pastordan

“Like, they expect you to remember to catch the bus. Oh well, time to watch soaps with you all day, mom.” –2+2=7

“I appreciate this woman whose dream job is teetering on the edge of extinction. She’s making the moves on a guy whose current job is at a local newspaper so it’s nice that they’ll have something in common in a few years.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“In my dreams I don’t function as a being. Also when I’m awake, actually.” –Applemask

“You might think that Carol is being vague to avoid this exact question from Wilbur, but this is Santa Royale, where everyone’s favourite food is ‘any.’” –Rosstifer

“My favorite part about today’s Family Circus is Jeffy’s squinty eyes. They have the effect of making him look downright smug. ‘That’s right, Dolly — I got hurt, and I’ll have you know I only cried for 20 minutes. And if you think this is bad, you oughta see Daniel Tiger. Who’s a baby now, huh?’” –Austria