“‘Have you ever unironically used the phrase chick magnet?’ is not a question that appears on animal adoption applications, but I’m starting to think it should be.” –The Diva

“A Crankshaft where he’s smiling in every panel is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen on this website.” –Applemask

“Some friends once related a story about living in a haunted house. They would wake up some mornings to the smell of bacon and eggs prepared by no visible hand, always a bit awkward when guests were staying with them. It would be nice if the roles were reversed here, is what I’m saying. (I’d like it if Crankshaft were a ghost.) (I’d like it if Crankshaft were dead.)” –pastordan

“Rookie move, Hannah. Pam and Jeff stopped making coffee in the morning years ago when they saw how much joy it gave Ed. Sadly, the lack of mental stimulation only makes his execrable malapropisms worse. It’s a real damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario.” –Doctor Moreau

“I haven’t really followed what’s going in this strip the last couple days, but is Wilbur buying a dog to try win back the affection of Estelle and her cat, or has he decided to double-down on their breakup? Put more simply, is Wilbur more stupid or petty? Obviously his most defining characteristic is his patheticness, something I’m sure his new dog will pick up quickly and exploit. God I’m looking forward to this.” –pugfuggly

“Okay, look, I can accept a lot of things about the Marvin-verse (the fact that babies’ heads are twice the size of their torsos, or that a child can have a cowlick that’s gotta be six inches tall), but just how the fuck did Marvin open the door? Look at his arms! Look at the height of the doorknob! I’m not a parent, but if I open my front door to see a baby just… sitting there, I might have a few questions.” –els

“At first I thought Lois was peeling a potato, but no, that’s clearly her hand. Her hand that she’s just plunged a knife into and is now fountaining brown blood(?) straight into the salad bowl.” –Schroduck

“Everyone is wondering how a Frenchie winds up in a shelter? Look at those eyes! They’re not horrible, uncanny things that look like they’re about to pop out and make you clench your asshole. They’re nice sweet little dog eyes, and that, my friends, is a serious deviation from the breed standard.” –richardf8

“‘Excuse me, I have to grab Chance Macy’ has become my new favorite excuse to escape unwanted conversations.” –But What Do I Know?

“Today’s Gil Thorp appears to be a profound reflection on man’s fundamental alienation from man. Gil shares a fraught but wordless handshake with a rival, has an interaction with Heather which begins in media res and ends just as abruptly with no worthwhile communication achieved, while Marty Moon relentlessly play-by-plays into the void, his face a mask of grim determination with a soupçon of madness about the eyes. Chilling, really.” –Violet

“Sarge has your magazine. Now leave me and my two sheets of A4 printer paper alone.” –jroggs

“Ha ha! Dagwood’s classmate had intelligence and a family with money, but his addictions have got the better of him! Nothing like a little lighthearted darkness in the funny pages to start the day off right.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“There’s no way Sarge is interested in Fine Food — but as it turns out, the magazine entitled Hot, Brown, And Plenty Of It isn’t a culinary publication.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Pick a lane, Harry! I mean, you have obviously already picked a lane, in the sense that you’re staying incredibly busy with music-related projects, so this weird neologism that we here in Westview use either doesn’t make sense or doesn’t apply here. What I want you to do is pick a different lane from the lane you’ve already picked. Why do we talk like this? Is it a curse bestowed upon us by our uncaring creator? Isn’t it enough that we lead the country in cancer and smirk-related mouth injuries?” –Chance

“Lady, there are exactly 3 lanes in Westview; arts, pizza, and death. That said, the first two merge into the third eventually.” –Rosstifer

“‘I hope you and Pierre will create that magic bond!’ Wilbur would ruefully remember those words as he stood over the bodies. So much blood. So much blood. But it what Pierre had demanded, blood for the magic bond. I should have gone to the local animal shelter to get a dog, Wilbur thought, instead of the Satanic temple. Pierre cocked his head slightly and Wilbur fell to his knees, ready to listen to his master’s voice.” –Voshkod

“As usual, the best part of this gag is the lengths that Leroy has gone to make it work. Not only did he get some of his high school buddies over (or hired some people, more likely), not only did he managed to track down instruments and (fitting!) uniforms, but look at that garage: spotless. I’m guessing that Loretta has been nagging him for years to clean it out, but he was only motivated to do it when he realized that any clutter in the background might lessen the impact of him announcing that he’s found another way to be a big loud asshole.” –pugfuggly

“There is no world building in the Lockhorns. Rather, Leroy and Loretta are god-like creatures that can will people, places, and entire timelines into and out of existence for the sole purpose of annoying each other. Sometimes they use only their wit, in which case we see them against the tabula rasa of a formless void, otherwise they summon whatever they need to bring anguish to the other. This isn’t mere bickering; it’s a magical duel between two sociopathic gods.” –richard8

“Can you imagine pushing out that Daddy Daze kid? His head is some kind of non-Euclidian rectangle. Just sharp edges and volume. I guarantee that was a Cesarean.” –Jerp+Jump

“Pa Keane, you’re adding jelly to bacon and eggs. You aren’t in a position to complain about anything related to food here.” –Truckosaurus

“As much as I usually enjoy Rex coming out of the gate with a strong passive-aggressive flex before the coffee is even cold, I sympathize with June here. I’m sure ‘managing’ the online schoolwork of a child who has a famous children’s author begging for permission to plagiarize her work — a child already smarter than both of her parents and knows it — isn’t easy on a psyche as fragile from years of emotional abuse as June’s. Time and a place, Rex. Time and a place.” –Doctor Moreau

“For the birds of Shoe, a cat scan is when a cat looks at you and tries to work out if you’re weak enough to chase, catch and eat yet.” –Schroduck

“Dennis’ comment raises more questions that it should for someone his age. I mean, query how many ‘jazz lovers‘ Dennis knows, how many were open-minded enough to accept his musical ideas and how many have been merely bored with his output, leaving it to Mr. Wilson to actively disapprove. Dennis apparently has more background on this issue than anyone his age possibly could which in and of itself is pretty menacing.” –Deacon Blues

“I think I like this remake of La La Land even less than the original.” –TheDiva

“The woodland creatures are so traumatized by Slylock Fox’s investigations and deductions that they prefer just to plead guilty.” –Ettorre

“Are we seriously rerunning the ‘A dog helps an unlikable man get laid’ storyline but with a cat and Wilbur? Why can’t it be the ‘Aldo stalks Mary and drives off a cliff’ storyline but with a cat and Wilbur?” –Carsick Yankee

“It’s hard to be happy lately. There’s my breakup with Estelle, you know, due to me being a hateful crybaby piece of shit. And all my troubles with Iris. Sometimes it stemmed from me being a miserable fuck, sometimes a belligerent jerk; at times a shitty malcontent or insensitive twat or bitter SOB or angry drunken lout. Why is it so hard for me to find happiness?” –Violet

“Really excited to discover that the Milford High students have lapsed into a pre-Levitican form of worship, and are passing themselves through the fire as an offering to Molech. Looking forward to the fall plot where they set up Asherah poles in the high places! Will an eager young freshman challenge a senior to a contest of gods, and demand that next year’s bonfire be lit without human agency? What a time to be alive!” –fabiansociety, on Twitter

“Back in 1918, the title Gasoline Alley referred to the fact that the strip’s main characters shared their stories about automobiles. Today, the title suggests that the author is someone who huffs gasoline in an alley.” –Joe Blevins

“If the talking bear is God, that could make the theology of Gasoline Alley rather interesting. Jesus spoke to the crowd, and said unto them, ‘Woe to the one among you who has been sitting on my chair, and dining on my porridge, and sleeping in my bed.’” –Austria

“Everyone knows armadillos are an amazing lay, buddy — but they carry leprosy, which makes herpes look like a walk in the park.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Jeffy hasn’t got a chance. It’s not just that he’s too small; he also has arms that are so short he can’t reach the top of his head. None of these brats can. Why else would Dolly be stuck wearing that super-tight ponytail 24/7?” –made of wince

“There’s no way Jeffy is going to be able to climb out of the infinite blue void that surrounds the Keane Kompound. Prepare to meet Ahriman, little boy!” –But What Do I Know?

“lol, Chip’s friend is genuinely hurt. Friggin’ owned by a ten-year-old. Good luck with your band, maybe the first album cover can be a photo of Ditto on a date with your mom.” –Dan

“Actually, Daddy Keane isn’t listening to a word coming out of Jeffy’s lemon-headed-mouth. He’s completely blown away by this retconned edition of Goldilocks and the 3 Bears. ‘What the … No Tudor house in forest? A grass hut next to some palm trees? What the HELL man’” –Carsick Yankee

“Don’t bug me about making plans — I’ve been spending all my time learning to smoke through a mask.” –Pozzo

“It is my lady; O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that? Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too bold; ’tis not to me she speaks. [Editor: Too high-falutin, William. Please re-work.] Can’t believe she broke up with me because I don’t get along with her stupid cat. It’s not my fault she has a crazy furball as a pet.” –I Used To Post At Comics Curmudgeon, And Now I Still Do

“For a supposed badass, Dennis is sure into some lame shit. ‘Wanna watch two old guys play chess?’ ‘Do I!’ [cloud of dust as he takes off]” –Joe Blevins

“Straight-up mocking Mr. Wilson’s early-onset dementia is easily the most menacing thing Dennis has ever done. Meanwhile, straight-up reminding DtM’s core readership of their own inevitable mental decline isn’t even the worst thing the strip has done this week.” –Doctor Moreau

“‘What friends?’ I said, hoping against hope that I put enough acid into the words to hide the pain. What friends indeed? Victims, co-workers, nemesii, but friends? What friends? A tear rolled down my cheek into a mask already soaked. That’s why I wear black. To hide the tears. To hide the pain.” –Voshkod

“I look forward to some great banter between these two, along the lines of ‘Ha ha, usually the only magazines I deal with are the ones that I empty into fleeing suspects!’” –pugfuggly

“‘You’re 10 seconds late, Kianna!’ ‘Sorry, coach! I had to say hi back to someone I was unfortunately within earshot of!’ ‘You had to? I’ve had enough of your politeness. You’re off the team.’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Look, if I were reading a copy of Goldilocks and the 3 Bears that was the same length as Little Women I might drop the voices halfway through, too. I get it, Jeffy: you pick the longest book imaginable in order to stave off bedtime a little longer. We all did it. But you can’t ask for Jim Dale-quality narration AND the longest fairy tale in existence. Pick one. For your father’s sanity. Look at his eyes, Jeffy. LOOK AT HIS EYES.” –els

“Did kids used to brag about their parents, or did they used to say ‘my dad can beat up your dad’ in an admission of the shockingly low threshold of willingness to resort to violence to address personal and social problems?” –Francisco Arrowroot