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Folks, your comment of the week in a moment, but first: Don’t forget that the next installment of my live comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, will be streaming one week from tomorrow, on Saturday, March 13, at 6 pm Pacific/9 pm Eastern!

Here’s the Facebook and Zoom links for the show! Brace yourself for laffs!

In the interim, there are more laffs available right here in this blog post, in the form or your comment of the week!

“‘Evidently’? ‘Unbeknownst’? Slow down professor, I read Gasoline Alley for the colorful dialogue of greasemonkeys and hayseeds. Ditch the vocabulary words or start using some contractions.” –pugfuggly

These runners up are also laff-inducing!

“I’ll find your dog for you, lady, but he had better be wearing an adorable red bandana matching yours, or I’m taking him into protective adorable custody.” –lorne

“Until now I haven’t give much thought to the question of how Crankshaft will finally end, but I suppose ‘sued into oblivion by Disney lawyers’ is as good a way to go as any.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“You might be thinking ‘Why doesn’t someone step in to interrupt Ralph’s long and pointless ramble?’ Keep in mind, though, that there’s a 50% chance that ‘someone’ would be Crankshaft, and be careful what you wish for.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“A lot of other people are wondering if the second panel in Family Circus is Skeletor. Nobody seems to be questioning Jeffy’s smile as Skeletor is finally going to get his victory over He-Man, tearing the hated do-gooder to pieces with his bare, beclawed hands. Much like Joseph’s dreams foretold that he would become a powerful figure within ancient Egypt’s government, Jeffy’s dreams tell me that Dolly is destined to become the great hero that will save the world from his villainy.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Sure is ironic that Lisa passed away so young while Lisa’s Story just won’t ever seem to die.” –TV’s Donovon, on Twitter

“Today’s Funky Winkerbean public relations lesson: you’re bound to say something stupid in front of an audience, so it helps if you attract dimwitted assholes, who can make you look smart by comparison. That lady is Les Moore’s Les Moore!” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Buck has completely blown his diet and is trying to console himself by playing his new videogame, ‘Rex Morgan says you’re doing great!’ Either that or Rex Morgan … is smiling … while talking to Buck.” –matt w

“A random person keels over dead in a church, but Ed Crankshaft and Lillian are both fine. This is precisely why I don’t believe in God.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“While Max watched approvingly from the bushes, Greta led the humans on to the boiling tar pit. Soon they would only be a memory. ‘I was such a fool to trust them once,’ Max mused as his gunshot scar ached. ‘Never again. The others are next.’” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Les is purchasing celery. The celery is sticking out of the bag. We all know how this ends. Cancer, of course. And his pants fall down. But mostly cancer.” –Voshkod

“Betting on football to make a few dollars? Scummy and unethical. Selling the story of your wife’s death by cancer to Hollywood (twice)? Saintly, heroic, maybe even Christ-like.” –Schroduck

“No, bullshit. If Les Moore got into sports to feel superior to other people, he would definitely choose baseball. I don’t think I need to elaborate.” –Dan

“Well, you finally did it, boys. You finally made Mrs Wilson’s brain check its own damn self into The Pudding Factory of No Return. Just look at her. Is this what you wanted? Who’s going to be doing all the baking now?” –made of wince

“The man in the baseball cap grimaces. ‘Appending a superfluous too to a sentence that already begins with Ditto, Reference Lady?’ he thinks. ‘In front of a WRITER? The man just alienated 65% of his audience by slagging the fantasy football industry — do you really think he won’t turn on YOU, too?’ He shakes his head and stares at the floor, avoiding the carnage to come.” –Doctor Moreau

“I was trying to figure out why Lillian is so pissed about being asked to play the organ in church. Then I wondered, is playing the organ in Crankshaft deadly for some reason? Is this like ‘The Lottery’ where the community is basically nominating someone to die? This sounds absurd, yet I buy this explanation more than the idea that Lillian has something better to do.” –jenna

“Anyway, calling it now, Leroy is Q.” –BeeKey

“Once again, Snuffy demonstrates his own super-power — the ability to slouch in the general vicinity of a tree stump, without actually having to make contact.” –Pozzo

“Max looks embarrassed by this whole episode, as well he should be.” –TheDiva

“Wonder Woman! I mean, can you think of a better role model? Plus, this being National Women’s History Month, what better inspiration to young girls everywhere, that they too can grow up to a superher– [sees Weezy] er, Superman! Women-folk b’long in the home, ‘cept when goin’ out to fetch water while thar huzbins lean on stumps!” –Carsick Yankee

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Folks, your comment of the week in a moment, but first: be aware that two more instances of my live comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, will be streaming over the next couple months: once on Saturday, March 13 and once on Friday, April 9, both at 6 pm Pacific/9 pm Eastern! Will we all be vaccinated by that second show? Maybe, but we will “commit to the bit” and continue doing comedy from homes, so please fire up your Zoom machines to watch!

Here’s the Facebook and Zoom links for the March show, and the Facebook and Zoom links for the April show. Mark these dates in your calendar and GET HYPED!

You will also want to get hyped for this week’s COTW:

“Crankshaft’s look of disappointment is heartbreaking. Sculptors are walking around with their chainsaws well after the judging has begun, in clear violation of the rules. And his fellow judges are about to pin the grand prize on the artist who didn’t even show up. There’s simply no way to make this contest any more of a laughingstock than it already is. All that work crafting just the right lame ice-based pun, wasted. The Dark Lord of Chaos is going to be unhappy with his servant.” –Doctor Moreau

And your very funny runners up!

“But enough about that. What about these ‘Social Symptoms” I’ve been having? Will penicillin help?” –Hibbleton

“So what are the Kids These Days doing during the pandemic since they can’t leave the house? ‘Zooming,’ you say? Thanks, you helped me finish my comic for the week! No, don’t bother telling me what it means, I’m sure my joke will make perfect sense!” –Morgan Wick

“WHAT HARM CAN [ANCIENT ALIEN ABOMINATION FROZEN IN A BLOCK OF ICE FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS] DO?” –ArtofWargames, on Twitter

“See, this is why you get a cat and not a dog. Cats don’t relive the trauma of the time they got shot every time there’s a thunderstorm because a cat would never take a bullet for you in the first place. That’s not what they signed up for.” –Truckosaurus

“‘What harm can it do?’ is the most dangerous thing you can say in a Funkyverse strip. No doubt the sunlight refracted through the uncut cube is going to spark a deadly fire, and a firefighter will slip and fall on the ice while trying to fight it. The heavy cube will then fall off the pedestal and crush a promising young footballer’s foot, destroying his hopes of a scholarship. Trying to save him, an equally promising young pianist suffers frostbite and loses her fingers. As the cube slowly melts, it turns out the water is contaminated with poisonous dioxins that leak into the town’s water system. And then, worst of all, ten years from now this tragedy will inspire Les to write another awful book.” –Schroduck

“‘That thunder sounds like gunshots,’ said no one ever. Because they don’t. It was a real gunshot. A real attempt at suicide. The last desperate act of a character who realizes that her ultimate fate in this strip means her character will be settling down with the paunchy Saul and his collection of quirky but oh so lovable bow ties.” –Joe Momma

“Well, today’s Pluggers is from suburban Boston. Probably ‘believing in Western medicine and objective measurement of weight’ counts as pluggerdom there.” –Ettorre

“I beseech thee, ROTARC, dark eye of Winter! Bring my snowy creation to life!” –Enlong

“Today’s Pluggers seems like it could’ve been one of those ribald strips where the caption is something like ‘A plugger’s version of [insert something that sounds vaguely sexual]’ and the drawing shows the plugger doing something non-sexual to once again remind us that pluggers do not have sex. Maybe the joke was originally going to be ‘A plugger only strips down at his annual physical weigh-in’ before the writer decided to tone it down, ruining the joke but sparing us the image of a near-naked plugger.” –jenna

“‘Isn’t it ironic?’ sighed Mr. Pouch in panel 2. ‘All the cocaine in the world, and yet I have no nose!’” –BigTed

“‘Do you know my arm is stuck like this?’ ‘You hum it and I’ll play it!’ ‘STOP SAYING THAT AND FETCH THE DEEP HEAT’” –Applemask

“Catering a theater group luncheon is at best a zero-sum game, because in order to pay for it, the people you’re serving also need to work for you as servers.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“A child sees the block‘s potential forms, and rejoices. An adult sees the block and thinks it is unfinished because an adult has not chipped and blasted its infinite potential into a single form. A wise man, well, we don’t know because wise men don’t read Crankshaft.” –jerp jump

“Fuckin’ hell, narration box, did it ring or did it buzz? I swear to god, Mary Worth, you better straighten up and fly right, we’re in a goddamn pandemic and I do not have time for your nonsense.” –els

“Max is gone? My God! We better call News Week. That’s a cover story if I ever heard one. Maybe they’ll put us on the cover, too! You’re gonna be famous, Greta! What do you think about ‘Dog Gone’ for a headline?” –made of wince

“Several hours have passed between panels two and three of Marvin, so either Jenny was yelling at Jeff for a long long time or Jeff is lying awake thinking over the mistakes that led him to where he is now. They started well before that exchange, Jeff!” –matt w

“Alice knows better than to just walk into a room in her own house. She has to peek in first and see if Dennis is in there and, if so, what he’s doing. It’s a whole process, but she’s got it down pat.” –Joe Blevins

“It’s a terrible suggestion because you can’t just choose to develop diabetes. So impractical.” –Karen Davis, on Facebook

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Folks! It’s time for your comment! Of! The week!

“Eve is putting on a masterclass in acting here. The leap from ‘There’s got to be a way to escape from Screaming Young J. Jonah Jameson, and I’ve just got to think of it, THINK!’ in panel one to the expansive ‘What the HELL, dog?!? Are you getting SHOT?’ in the exciting denouement is downright Streep-ian.” –Vice President John Adams

Also? Time for your hilarious runners up!

“So in Slylock’s world an Instagram video of birds bathing counts as pornography, right?” –nescio

“I’m particularly drawn to Max throwing up deuces and taking a selfie, at Harry’s place, when the reason everyone has phones out is to watch Harry’s video and not do their own thing. I have to imagine Max sees this as his ticket to build his own #brand and escape Slylock’s shadow.” –Morgan Wick

“Feels like I’m fergittin sumpin. But what? Did I fergit to mark this deck? Did I fergit t’hide an ace up my sleeve? Did I fergit to call the boys and tell em to hit this game at se’en thirty with ski masks and Mossbergs? Did I fergit to call them other boys to meet us afterwards and exchange this here poker money for central ‘Merican narcotics? Did I fergit to call the Sher’ff to hit the meet so he can arrest everyone else, confiscate the money and drugs, and then split them with me? Did I fergit to set up the cam’ra so’s I can git blackmail evidence on the Sher’ff so he’ll be in my hip pocket till we’re both dead? Oh, Snuffy, you ol’ rascal, if you keep playing the game five moves ahead, you’re gunna miss the moments right in front o’ you.” –jroggs

“How did Slylock figure it out? He turned the phone over to the tech boys, who checked locational data and metadata, easily placing the ape at the bank. Then they wrote up a report for the fox, who asked them to dumb it down a bit for him, so they rewrote it, and the fox finally got it. The fox claimed credit for everything with the prosecutor, as always, and got all the publicity, while the tech boys sat in their lonely basement office playing Minecraft.” –Voshkod

“Taking care of something else helps us forget that we’re just insignificant specs of dust, hurtling through space at millions of miles per hour, without a defined purpose!” –Ace

“A broken heart doesn’t matter if it’s ‘Choc-Lit’, the great new literary genre that’s just long detailed descriptions of people consuming chocolate. It’s not porn, but it’s not not-porn, if you know what I mean.” –pugfuggly

“There are many ways to draw two small children whose mouths are stained with chocolate. All are wrong. Making them look like they have three-day stubble is one of the more wrong ones.” –matt w

“I don’t care if you’re from Lawrence, Kansas — if you’re a doctor, you’re not a plugger! What’s next? Plugger software engineers? Plugger ad execs? Plugger hedge fund managers? Will we learn that the plugger private jet is when you’re the only person in first class on your red-eye flight into Silicon Valley?” –Schroduck

“Oh, yeah, and later Max ate him while he slept, so it’s all good.” –Pozzo

“Why does he look so worried? Go for it, man! Go get that shred of pork meat! Don’t live in fear anymore, running your tongue repeatedly over the gristly abomination stuck in your bicuspids, wondering if pigs really are smarter than dogs, wondering how you can live with yourself, turning yourself into a great big bundle of guilt and nerves. Just pick out that flesh particle. Pick it out and swallow it again, in fact, because you are one carnivorous son of a bitch!” –made of wince

“I don’t appreciate Mister Wilson’s gaze being directed at the reader in this panel. It feels like he’s inviting me into his weird power play with a literal child, and I honestly want no part of that.” –Seb

“Shoe, still running about ten years behind, reminds us of the Golden Era when our government possessed the dignity and grace of clowns.” –Dread

“Well, in Dick Tracy’s defense, it is money, and it is in the dirt, so, technically…” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Dennis is the perfect mascot for the fossil fuel industry’s fight against climate change legislation. ‘Why should we save the future for a bunch of little shits like this?’” –DevOpsDad

“Having spent the last ten days dealing with outdoor temps that ranged from seventeen below to eight above, F, I see Dick’s light coat and lack of gloves and no scarf or ear protection, and my first thought is ‘dimwit.’ But then I look at that chin and realize that he’s just tougher than the average detective. Not smarter, but tougher.” –Poteet

“It’s understandable to be confused, I think this it the first time Thel has spoken since, like, 1973? Somewhere in there, Nixon was definitely president.” –Dan

“No one’s carrying you? Not even Jesus? Has that motivational poster been deceiving us this whole time?” –Duke of Early Grey

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!