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Folks, your comment of the week in a moment, but first: be aware that two more instances of my live comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, will be streaming over the next couple months: once on Saturday, March 13 and once on Friday, April 9, both at 6 pm Pacific/9 pm Eastern! Will we all be vaccinated by that second show? Maybe, but we will “commit to the bit” and continue doing comedy from homes, so please fire up your Zoom machines to watch!

Here’s the Facebook and Zoom links for the March show, and the Facebook and Zoom links for the April show. Mark these dates in your calendar and GET HYPED!

You will also want to get hyped for this week’s COTW:

“Crankshaft’s look of disappointment is heartbreaking. Sculptors are walking around with their chainsaws well after the judging has begun, in clear violation of the rules. And his fellow judges are about to pin the grand prize on the artist who didn’t even show up. There’s simply no way to make this contest any more of a laughingstock than it already is. All that work crafting just the right lame ice-based pun, wasted. The Dark Lord of Chaos is going to be unhappy with his servant.” –Doctor Moreau

And your very funny runners up!

“But enough about that. What about these ‘Social Symptoms” I’ve been having? Will penicillin help?” –Hibbleton

“So what are the Kids These Days doing during the pandemic since they can’t leave the house? ‘Zooming,’ you say? Thanks, you helped me finish my comic for the week! No, don’t bother telling me what it means, I’m sure my joke will make perfect sense!” –Morgan Wick

“WHAT HARM CAN [ANCIENT ALIEN ABOMINATION FROZEN IN A BLOCK OF ICE FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS] DO?” –ArtofWargames, on Twitter

“See, this is why you get a cat and not a dog. Cats don’t relive the trauma of the time they got shot every time there’s a thunderstorm because a cat would never take a bullet for you in the first place. That’s not what they signed up for.” –Truckosaurus

“‘What harm can it do?’ is the most dangerous thing you can say in a Funkyverse strip. No doubt the sunlight refracted through the uncut cube is going to spark a deadly fire, and a firefighter will slip and fall on the ice while trying to fight it. The heavy cube will then fall off the pedestal and crush a promising young footballer’s foot, destroying his hopes of a scholarship. Trying to save him, an equally promising young pianist suffers frostbite and loses her fingers. As the cube slowly melts, it turns out the water is contaminated with poisonous dioxins that leak into the town’s water system. And then, worst of all, ten years from now this tragedy will inspire Les to write another awful book.” –Schroduck

“‘That thunder sounds like gunshots,’ said no one ever. Because they don’t. It was a real gunshot. A real attempt at suicide. The last desperate act of a character who realizes that her ultimate fate in this strip means her character will be settling down with the paunchy Saul and his collection of quirky but oh so lovable bow ties.” –Joe Momma

“Well, today’s Pluggers is from suburban Boston. Probably ‘believing in Western medicine and objective measurement of weight’ counts as pluggerdom there.” –Ettorre

“I beseech thee, ROTARC, dark eye of Winter! Bring my snowy creation to life!” –Enlong

“Today’s Pluggers seems like it could’ve been one of those ribald strips where the caption is something like ‘A plugger’s version of [insert something that sounds vaguely sexual]’ and the drawing shows the plugger doing something non-sexual to once again remind us that pluggers do not have sex. Maybe the joke was originally going to be ‘A plugger only strips down at his annual physical weigh-in’ before the writer decided to tone it down, ruining the joke but sparing us the image of a near-naked plugger.” –jenna

“‘Isn’t it ironic?’ sighed Mr. Pouch in panel 2. ‘All the cocaine in the world, and yet I have no nose!’” –BigTed

“‘Do you know my arm is stuck like this?’ ‘You hum it and I’ll play it!’ ‘STOP SAYING THAT AND FETCH THE DEEP HEAT’” –Applemask

“Catering a theater group luncheon is at best a zero-sum game, because in order to pay for it, the people you’re serving also need to work for you as servers.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“A child sees the block‘s potential forms, and rejoices. An adult sees the block and thinks it is unfinished because an adult has not chipped and blasted its infinite potential into a single form. A wise man, well, we don’t know because wise men don’t read Crankshaft.” –jerp jump

“Fuckin’ hell, narration box, did it ring or did it buzz? I swear to god, Mary Worth, you better straighten up and fly right, we’re in a goddamn pandemic and I do not have time for your nonsense.” –els

“Max is gone? My God! We better call News Week. That’s a cover story if I ever heard one. Maybe they’ll put us on the cover, too! You’re gonna be famous, Greta! What do you think about ‘Dog Gone’ for a headline?” –made of wince

“Several hours have passed between panels two and three of Marvin, so either Jenny was yelling at Jeff for a long long time or Jeff is lying awake thinking over the mistakes that led him to where he is now. They started well before that exchange, Jeff!” –matt w

“Alice knows better than to just walk into a room in her own house. She has to peek in first and see if Dennis is in there and, if so, what he’s doing. It’s a whole process, but she’s got it down pat.” –Joe Blevins

“It’s a terrible suggestion because you can’t just choose to develop diabetes. So impractical.” –Karen Davis, on Facebook

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Folks! It’s time for your comment! Of! The week!

“Eve is putting on a masterclass in acting here. The leap from ‘There’s got to be a way to escape from Screaming Young J. Jonah Jameson, and I’ve just got to think of it, THINK!’ in panel one to the expansive ‘What the HELL, dog?!? Are you getting SHOT?’ in the exciting denouement is downright Streep-ian.” –Vice President John Adams

Also? Time for your hilarious runners up!

“So in Slylock’s world an Instagram video of birds bathing counts as pornography, right?” –nescio

“I’m particularly drawn to Max throwing up deuces and taking a selfie, at Harry’s place, when the reason everyone has phones out is to watch Harry’s video and not do their own thing. I have to imagine Max sees this as his ticket to build his own #brand and escape Slylock’s shadow.” –Morgan Wick

“Feels like I’m fergittin sumpin. But what? Did I fergit to mark this deck? Did I fergit t’hide an ace up my sleeve? Did I fergit to call the boys and tell em to hit this game at se’en thirty with ski masks and Mossbergs? Did I fergit to call them other boys to meet us afterwards and exchange this here poker money for central ‘Merican narcotics? Did I fergit to call the Sher’ff to hit the meet so he can arrest everyone else, confiscate the money and drugs, and then split them with me? Did I fergit to set up the cam’ra so’s I can git blackmail evidence on the Sher’ff so he’ll be in my hip pocket till we’re both dead? Oh, Snuffy, you ol’ rascal, if you keep playing the game five moves ahead, you’re gunna miss the moments right in front o’ you.” –jroggs

“How did Slylock figure it out? He turned the phone over to the tech boys, who checked locational data and metadata, easily placing the ape at the bank. Then they wrote up a report for the fox, who asked them to dumb it down a bit for him, so they rewrote it, and the fox finally got it. The fox claimed credit for everything with the prosecutor, as always, and got all the publicity, while the tech boys sat in their lonely basement office playing Minecraft.” –Voshkod

“Taking care of something else helps us forget that we’re just insignificant specs of dust, hurtling through space at millions of miles per hour, without a defined purpose!” –Ace

“A broken heart doesn’t matter if it’s ‘Choc-Lit’, the great new literary genre that’s just long detailed descriptions of people consuming chocolate. It’s not porn, but it’s not not-porn, if you know what I mean.” –pugfuggly

“There are many ways to draw two small children whose mouths are stained with chocolate. All are wrong. Making them look like they have three-day stubble is one of the more wrong ones.” –matt w

“I don’t care if you’re from Lawrence, Kansas — if you’re a doctor, you’re not a plugger! What’s next? Plugger software engineers? Plugger ad execs? Plugger hedge fund managers? Will we learn that the plugger private jet is when you’re the only person in first class on your red-eye flight into Silicon Valley?” –Schroduck

“Oh, yeah, and later Max ate him while he slept, so it’s all good.” –Pozzo

“Why does he look so worried? Go for it, man! Go get that shred of pork meat! Don’t live in fear anymore, running your tongue repeatedly over the gristly abomination stuck in your bicuspids, wondering if pigs really are smarter than dogs, wondering how you can live with yourself, turning yourself into a great big bundle of guilt and nerves. Just pick out that flesh particle. Pick it out and swallow it again, in fact, because you are one carnivorous son of a bitch!” –made of wince

“I don’t appreciate Mister Wilson’s gaze being directed at the reader in this panel. It feels like he’s inviting me into his weird power play with a literal child, and I honestly want no part of that.” –Seb

“Shoe, still running about ten years behind, reminds us of the Golden Era when our government possessed the dignity and grace of clowns.” –Dread

“Well, in Dick Tracy’s defense, it is money, and it is in the dirt, so, technically…” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Dennis is the perfect mascot for the fossil fuel industry’s fight against climate change legislation. ‘Why should we save the future for a bunch of little shits like this?’” –DevOpsDad

“Having spent the last ten days dealing with outdoor temps that ranged from seventeen below to eight above, F, I see Dick’s light coat and lack of gloves and no scarf or ear protection, and my first thought is ‘dimwit.’ But then I look at that chin and realize that he’s just tougher than the average detective. Not smarter, but tougher.” –Poteet

“It’s understandable to be confused, I think this it the first time Thel has spoken since, like, 1973? Somewhere in there, Nixon was definitely president.” –Dan

“No one’s carrying you? Not even Jesus? Has that motivational poster been deceiving us this whole time?” –Duke of Early Grey

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Folks, we can always afford a top comment of the week!

“You can’t judge me, Narration Box! You don’t even have blood!” –Applemask

Is laughter the best medicine? Scientists and doctors say it definitely is not, but the FDA hasn’t banned the hilarious runners up yet, so we’re going to give them to you:

“Between the title in the first throwaway panel, the coloring, and those glinty lines, it really does look like Dennis’s nose nuggets are meant to be taken as literal gold. I guess Henry wants Dennis to save his golden boogers for later in life. They’re as much of a retirement fund as he’ll ever have.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“NO! You did NOT earn that self-satisfied smirk, lady! Sure, it’s the Funkyverse and everyone thinks they’re a word play genius, but this isn’t even word play. Unless I’m mistaken and that look is just because you enjoy another human’s misery, then please, continue on.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“‘I cooked it the same as always. With extra salt, because we live in a desert and people need extra salt to counter what they lose to perspiration. Huh, those guys are looking at geese. Strange to see them so far south, and not near any water source.’ –Thrilling True Life Tales of Crock will continue!” –Voshkod

“[In announcer voice:] Tessi sees her opening and GOES FOR IT, pretending to care about Vic so he’ll give her a cool nickname and elevate her to stardom! Vic feints AND BLOCKS, saddling her with ‘The Contessa’ instead! This strip knows how the game is played! … Wait, I’m getting a message from our producer. Quick clarification, fans: That game is psychological one-upmanship, to be clear, and NOT basketball, about which Gil Thorp remains largely uninterested. We regret any confusion.” –Doctor Moreau

“Beetle is giving Sarge the gift of an AWOL charge, which will get him dishonorably discharged and out of Sarge’s life forever, save for when he testifies at the military tribunal.” –Sideshow Jon

“A mixtape! [Wait a minute, cassettes are no longer in use! Do young people use something equivalent? Probably, let’s keep it generic] A music mix!” –Ettorre

“My theory is that the two people in front are with the SEC. It turns out that Leroy has been wearing a wire in a lot of the interactions we see with his co-workers, who are going down for insider trading. Leroy has been useful to them, but that doesn’t mean they have to listen to him go on about his horrible home life.” –Tom T.

“I’m looking forward to the day a tongue specialist comes to Hootin’ Holler and repairs everyone’s problems. It’s obvious not a soul was born with a normal sized tongue; think of all the drool that will be eliminated and the danger of slipping and falling taken away!” –Randy Richter

“Leroy has decided that wearing ballet shoes everywhere was too subtle, and has escalated to outright bragging about his agility.” –A Concerned Reader

“I can’t help but wonder why we’re all so focused on the heteronormative dating that no one is asking what ‘the movies’ look like in this neck of the woods. I assume they set out a lantern and watch moths fly around it.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Saul: ‘Good. Keep going.’
Eve: ‘To my therapist, you mean?’
Saul: ‘Well, yeah. But also, just keep saying stuff. I’ve run out of conversation on my end.’” –Joe Blevins

“Skyler got the definition of irony from that famous bird philosopher, Avianis Morissette.” –BigTed

“Jeff, you’ll know the way every Keane has known since the dawn of time: when your parents tell you which girl they’ve bought from her parents with 10 goats and 2 talents of gold.” –Dread

“There is a cop in Milford town
They call the Rising Sun.
And he’s been the ruin of many a poor boy
But Doug Guthrie, he ain’t one.” –But What Do I Know?

Remember: If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!