“I think it’s great how Hagar is getting a piggy-back ride up that ladder — and how jazzed that guy is to give him a piggy-back ride. That kind of loyalty and devotion really shows what great jarl Hagar’s been for his warband.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“Yeah, nothing like dried-out, 5,600-year-old linen on the ol’ butthole.” –Pozzo

“So many people overlook the simple cost-cutting benefits you get from having your home overrun by nightmarish monsters. Why buy paper towels when the werewolf in your kitchen is covered with fur and dries off in minutes? Why waste money on a two-hole punch when you’ve got a vampire in your home office? Why spend hundreds on air conditioning when the spine-chilling appearance of a vengeful ghost is just one closing-of-an-ajar-bathroom-mirror-cabinet away?” –jroggs

“Imagine being completely unfamiliar with the strip, and you saw it for the first time today. You’d have questions: Is the mummy the dogs’ owner? Is it Mother Goose? Why does the yellow dog hate his mother/owner/roommate so much? Why can you see the wall through the gaps in the bandages? I mean, even with context this is like a fever dream.” –made of wince

“To paraphrase Freud, ‘Sometimes the large, long barrel of a tank gun drawn at thigh level is just a long barrel of a tank gun drawn at thigh level.’ And ‘Sarge’s bedroom eye is just … I take it back. It’s a penis. The barrel of the gun is a huge phallic image. The whole thing is an overly homoerotic fantasy. There, I said it.’” –Joe Momma

“I, for one, am here for Mark Trail as a man out of time who speaks mainly in tortured retro slang. ‘If the snake is blue, twenty-three skiddoo! If there’s a cobra on your patio, beat feet, daddy-o! If the rattling gets louder, you’d better take a powder!’” –Doctor Moreau

“Oh, you’re using your made-up names. I’m Funky Winkerbean, then.” –Chyron HR

“Really loving the generic NEWS paper that just seems to have pictures and text placed haphazardly across the front page. I guess the publisher realized that their core audience is most used to reading the obituaries section and decided to use that same format for the rest of the paper.” –pugfuggly

“Ha ha, pluggers still read newsprint. That’s the intended joke, right?” –Just John

“Her phone is broken! Then we need to get over to the detention facility ASAP! Without access to AT&T’s nation-wide 5G network — which even works at Guantanamo Bay! — she’ll be bored out of her mind for the next twenty to thirty years! Without access to the Google App Store, she’ll never be able to download Angry Birds and Netflix, to while away the eternal hours before release or death! [Today’s Funky Winkerbean was sponsored by AT&T, the nationwide network, Google, which knows what you’re going to ask, and the year 2020.]” –Voshkod

“Pluggers talk like a Prohibition-era showgirl for some reason.” –TheDiva

“One of these days Pluggers is going to do some sort of comic where the punchline is going to be ‘a plugger’s Discord server runs usenet and IRC’ or ‘a plugger doesn’t need a massive-multiplayer online game as long as they can still telnet to their Mud’ and then I’m going to be very sad.” –vince

“Otis is asking his Dad for help because no-one has burned a CD since well before he was born.” –Rosstifer

“I picture the writer holding a tech dictionary from 2002 that his daughter got for him last year for a quarter at the library book sale, leafing through it and musing, ‘I need a verb here … that looks like one … okay, now for some nouns…’” –Tom T.

“Another person plugger in the tontine must’ve died. The last one still living gets that phone book.” –Joe Blevins

“Obviously Amy divorced him because he’s a real lightweight.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Ah! If I had a dollar for every time I casually reached for the decanter of wine as my wife made a demand and pounded her fist on the table, I’d have… well, I’d be divorced, actually. ” –Skeptical1

“If you ever think your job sucks, just remember you could be the reporter assigned to cover the Crankshaft beat.” –Sides

“Leroy’s doing an impressive job with shadow puppetry considering he only has four fingers on each hand.” –nescio

“C’mon Ed, why wouldn’t you enjoy shaking babies? You enjoy endangering kids every day on your school bus.” –Guillermo el chiclero

“Not sure if ‘jerky’ here is a poor attempt at replicating how today’s sullen teenagers talk, or if the young lady is actually characterizing Chip as a piece of dried meat cut into a long, thin strip. If it’s the latter, solid burn. I like her.” –jenna

“Gonna choose to believe the colorist simply has no idea what a yarmulke is, so Hi and Lois’s first stumbling attempt at diversity wound up, ‘they know a balding guy.’” –Dan

“I like the fact that Leroy is in genuine pain, and Loretta could absolutely not give two figs about his suffering. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you keep a bad marriage going for 20 years — pure, unadulterated disinterest.” –BigTed

“‘…the one who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.’ (Luke 12:10) Dennis’s menacing has now reached biblical levels. Menace … or antichrist?” –McCapwell

“I see the Dick Tracy creative team is making a play to take over The Wizard of Id. Sorry, but Id prefers continuous torture to the swift, karmic deaths seen in Neo-Chicago.” –Morgan Wick

“The only thing less funny than a newspaper comic is a newspaper comic inside a newspaper comic. Let’s pray there’s no third layer.” –Lee Sherman

“If I remember correctly, Tommy’s last descent into drug addict hell was caused by him trying to move one modest-sized piece of furniture once. A rejected marriage proposal could kill him.” –Joe Blevins

“When a prof swipes, uh, ‘is inspired by’ a student’s work and gets a publication out of it, it’s only polite to credit the student as a junior co-author. So when Dick and Sam nab Professor Stokes for vampire-murder, I’d like to think that Prof passes some of the credit along to whatever dorky goth kid in his class submitted this as the term project, and arranges for said kid to get the electric chair right next to his own (maybe with only half as much electrical charge though, because, junior co-author.) Fair is fair.” –Shrug

“There is no way a news crew is there to interview Crankshaft about obsolete telephones (come on, not even pluggers still use rotary dials) so I can only assume someone tipped them off that he’s finally going down for his decades of vehicular crimes.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“See? This is what happens when you wait until the night before the project is due to start putting your murder machine together.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Would love to know what the soldiers are actually meant to be googling here. ‘Country that looks a bit like a rhino’s head’? ‘Useless posters of unlabeled country outlines’? ‘Complain about training quality to superior officer’?” –Schroduck

“No, you’re thinking of ‘broads.’ Understandable mistake.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I like how Tommy is looking directly at the reader in that last panel. ‘Eh, chicks, ammirite? Let’s get into it in the comments. I hear controversy is the best way to get things trending.’” –pugfuggly

“‘I thought all chicks wanted to get married’: TFW you spend too much time with Mary Worth.” –Ettorre

“Terry Rapson is in Gil’s doghouse because he had the nerve — the goddamn nerve — to use his own initiative and call plays to score more points when his team was only up by one score with three minutes left in the game, while Gil wanted his team to make predictable rushing plays that would force his team to punt and give their opponents plenty of time to equalize. Apparently what Terry ‘didn’t know what he didn’t know’ was that Gil bet on the other team to beat the spread. Hope you learned your lesson, Terry: never get between a corrupt coach and his illicit gambling payoffs.” –jroggs

“Gil is one cruel bastard, forcing this kid to run all those miles while he’s excreting mucous from his pores. It’s a rare dermatological condition informally known as snotty zit syndrome. And it’s contagious. Now who doesn’t know what he doesn’t know? Better stock up on Kleenex, genius.” –made of wince

“Nancy will grudgingly start wearing a mask, but it will be emblazoned with an image of her sneer.” –Pozzo

“Listen, young woman. The Glenwood Motel prides itself on providing the community a location for drinking, illicit hookups, the occasional prostitution ring, and country songs about the same. But we don’t do COVID parties, understand? You’re looking for the Glenn Breeze Motel, down the highway on the left. Please make sure Macklemore covers this in his next hit single.” –pastordan

“Toby is really going out of her way to remind us of Iris and Tommy’s last name. What plot are we setting up here? Long-lost father returns? Tommy was switched at birth? Or is Toby just high as hell and thinks ‘Tommy Beedie’ sounds funny? Definitely that last one, right?” –stepped pyramids

“Congratulations to Bitsy on getting second billing so he could sit around completely immobile for five panels in this literal shit show of a comic.” –nescio

“The crack in Hägar’s wall (or should I say, the crack in this whole Viking façade?) clearly shows the wooden lath of a lath and plaster wall, not the wattle of wattle and daub. And don’t get me started on the glazed window. This supposed longhouse was probably built in the 20th century, and not even with traditional techniques!” –Horace Broon

“The shining moment here, the moment that will make everything completely perfect, is that the wind will soon blow his giant pile of papers away.” –The Dimensional Otter

“The standards for motherhood have really fallen low in Mary Worth! From ‘never divorce and never have fun that is not child-appropriate‘ to ‘at least she’s not fully abandoned her recovering addict son.’” –Ettorre

“Oof, just look at Cherry’s expression on that last panel. She been waiting for years to hear the L word come out of Mark’s mouth, but not like this!” –pugufggly

“At last, the preparations were complete. The vital components of the engine had been carefully removed and placed into jars, the fluids had been drained from the reservoirs, and the exterior had been piously anointed with the sacred wax. Cosmo’s car was now prepared for its eternal entombment in its mausoleum at the auto graveyard. The only thing Irv had failed to account for, even as a quiet shadow approached him from behind while he finished his holy work, was that Cosmo’s car would require servants to accompany it to the afterlife.” –jroggs

“And so begins a year long arc where Blondie cyberbullies Dagwood.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“God I love how snarky Toby is. ‘I thought Iris’s son was just a drug addicted parasite on society! But he’s been keeping a minimum wage grocery store job without doing meth in the parking lot? Truly, love works MIRACLES.’” –Lionheart

“Speaking of things I wish were kept private, I could have done without ever seeing a sweaty moaning General Halftrack accompanied by the sound effect ‘GRIND.’” –Schroduck

“I too wish the general, who commands an entire base of heavily armed soldiers who are supposed to follow his orders and don’t seem like the kind who would think too hard about whether those orders contravene the Geneva Conventions, would not ‘bring his nightmares to work.’” –matt w

“I’m usually not one to kink-shame; whatever a man and sentient whale consensually partake in is their business. But doing it in full view of the general public crosses a line. The pelican may be okay with what’s happening, but that poor fish clearly did not sign up for an underside view of lathered human genitalia.” –Wilktoast

“Looking forward to watching the strip and/or the commentariat expand on what sorts of eldritch abominations are being held at bay by Camp Swampy’s ritualized antics, a secret General Halftrack must bear alone. Perhaps our continued existence demands that, as these creatures observe our world through their eyes which are not eyes, they see constant violence, both the state-sanctioned conflict of war and the individual brutality of Sarge and Beetle — only thus will they remain convinced that we will wipe ourselves out in a blink of those not-eyes — only thus will they remain sunk in the sloth of eons, instead of rousing themselves to the all-too-easy task of eradication. Halftrack maintains the terrible fiction with every act of every day, and yet in the pit of night he wonders: is it truly a fiction? His soul cries out: ‘Snirk! Yikes!’ Laffs all around!” –Skedastic

“Today’s strip simultaneously informs us that Li’l Tater is bottle-fed, and explains why.” –Peanut Gallery

“Give us one more panel and I’m sure we’d see that Li’l Tater’s bottle has three X’s on it.” –jenna

“I can never really concentrate on anything the Gasoline Alley characters say to each other because it’s always just indecipherable, boring nonsense. So I end up concentrating on the visual details, like the guy in the orange shirt who doesn’t get any lines and who actually has to lift up his colleague’s word balloon to see what’s going on. Look at his facial expressions. That’s me reading any Gasoline Alley.” –Joe Blevins

“What with his bow-legs and size-13 shoes, this guy only thinks he’s trying out for a sandal commercial. In reality, he’s auditioning to be the motion-capture model for the Aflac duck.” –BigTed

“I’m more inclined to believe this guy’s on his way to audition for a Thinner Ankles in 30 Days promo. Which is a ripoff, because you can’t achieve results like his without a bone saw.” –made of wince

“Something about this stinks. I hate to be so archly callused about it — and I can’t nail exactly what it is, but I toe the line on this one. It’s not my jam.” –Old School Allie Cat