“‘Everything looks delicious, Eve!’ Everything: glasses of ice water, mound of rolls (possible potatoes), unidentifiable baked lump of brown substance wearing goggles (possible Minion).” –pastordan

“A Grown-Up Land rebrand recommended by marketing consultants recommended some colorful pennant flags replace the sign above the door that said ‘Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here’, but they had to keep at least ONE ominous warning sign visible for liability reasons.” –The Great Joe Bivins

“Yum, a chocolate chip cookie and swiss sandwich. With mayo. Yep, feeling menaced.” –Emily Riposte

“‘My brothers are boring. I wish I could hang out with Rex Morgan, M.D., instead!’ Jesus, Sarah just outright murdered two small boys.” –matt w

“Family Circus is so unrealistic. They completely leave out the part where the child reaches that age where their little football head is put into The Machine to reshape it into a regular adult-shaped head. Who doesn’t have fond memory of the cracking and resetting of bone?” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Dustin’s Dad didn’t get happy thinking of spanking his wife, he got happy considering estrangement.” –nescio

“Man, Snuffy sure knows how to insult a local business. This cave-hag hand-crafts each love potion, tailoring it the customer’s needs. She thinks about it long and hard (ahem), researches the plants and animal parts she’ll use, brews with care, and sells the finest bespoke love potions the Holler has ever seen. If Snuffy wants some mass-produced love potion, well, the general store sells 24-packs of Billy Beer for six bucks.” –Voshkod

“‘I mean, what kind of preposterous name for is Rex Morgan for a doctor?’ think Sarah. ‘Clearly this should be a pulp western adventure strip.”’ –BananaSam

“There are actually dust clouds of blow rising from that table. No one on this detail will be getting much sleep tonight.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Now all I can think of is whether an uncanny woman with a disturbingly amused expression is silently commenting on my life to an unseen audience. Hope they like dudes typing at computer screens because that’s all they’re getting for a while.” –Victor Von

“BIBLE CODE ON CEREAL BOXES PLUS CUPID SIGHTING MY VLOG #157.avi” –Urlance Woolsbane

“I read ‘100’ as ‘loo’, and if anything it made Shoe make more sense. Just two elderly British birds, discussing whether or not they’ll make it to the toilet this time.” –Schroduck

“I know just how she feels. ‘Godammit, guys! I don’t care what you’re blathering about, but can’t you keep the noise down? I’m trying to hang up shirts here!’” –Peanut Gallery

“My favorite part of this strip is that it looks like Blips’ butt is talking to Buxley’s breasts, which feel appropriate for a strip about two women discussing their limited paths for advancement in life.” –pugfuggly

“They’ll have a big laugh on Friday when they all realize he’s just been seeing Lisa’s ghost periodically like the rest of us.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“If there’s one constant across all universes, it’s that Rex Morgan will always be evasive and wary of anyone asking him to do his job.” –jroggs

“Politicians! Who elected ’em? I sure didn’t! I haven’t voted in 40 years!” –cheech wizard

“Say what you will about Crankshaft, but it knows how to spice up a boring conversation with unnecessarily dramatic camera angles. ‘Those politicians only care about pleasing rich lobbyists!’ ‘Yeah, they know which side their pork is buttered on.’ [zoom shot from Vertigo]” –Mr. A

“Randy, you’re a judge! Surely you know about castle doctrine. You have the right to defend yourself and the right to bear arms, that’s all you need to take care of this April problem. [waits patiently for Randy to get shot trying to kill a CIA assassin]” –Truckosaurus

“He’s putting the money back in his wallet. Loretta’s going out for coffee with their court-appointed social worker, and she asked if Leroy had any cash. He had two bills in his wallet, and he gave her one, just like when the social worker had them role-playing some basic marital interactions. She was supposed to avoid stretching for some weird supposed ‘joke,’ though. Dammit, they worked on this.” –Tom T.

“That drawing is the most dignity Leroy’s ever had. ‘Enjoy your japes Loretta, but I have nothing to prove. A penny saved is a penny earned. Tomorrow I may be drunk in the background of a sparsely-attended party. I may be sulking in line at the movies and venting my marriage frustrations at total strangers. But today I proudly place a dollar bill in my wallet, secure in the knowledge that it was earned through frugal responsibility.’” –Dan

“‘Evidently’? ‘Unbeknownst’? Slow down professor, I read Gasoline Alley for the colorful dialogue of greasemonkeys and hayseeds. Ditch the vocabulary words or start using some contractions.” –pugfuggly

“I’ll find your dog for you, lady, but he had better be wearing an adorable red bandana matching yours, or I’m taking him into protective adorable custody.” –lorne

“Until now I haven’t give much thought to the question of how Crankshaft will finally end, but I suppose ‘sued into oblivion by Disney lawyers’ is as good a way to go as any.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“You might be thinking ‘Why doesn’t someone step in to interrupt Ralph’s long and pointless ramble?’ Keep in mind, though, that there’s a 50% chance that ‘someone’ would be Crankshaft, and be careful what you wish for.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“A lot of other people are wondering if the second panel in Family Circus is Skeletor. Nobody seems to be questioning Jeffy’s smile as Skeletor is finally going to get his victory over He-Man, tearing the hated do-gooder to pieces with his bare, beclawed hands. Much like Joseph’s dreams foretold that he would become a powerful figure within ancient Egypt’s government, Jeffy’s dreams tell me that Dolly is destined to become the great hero that will save the world from his villainy.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Sure is ironic that Lisa passed away so young while Lisa’s Story just won’t ever seem to die.” –TV’s Donovon, on Twitter

“Today’s Funky Winkerbean public relations lesson: you’re bound to say something stupid in front of an audience, so it helps if you attract dimwitted assholes, who can make you look smart by comparison. That lady is Les Moore’s Les Moore!” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Buck has completely blown his diet and is trying to console himself by playing his new videogame, ‘Rex Morgan says you’re doing great!’ Either that or Rex Morgan … is smiling … while talking to Buck.” –matt w

“A random person keels over dead in a church, but Ed Crankshaft and Lillian are both fine. This is precisely why I don’t believe in God.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“While Max watched approvingly from the bushes, Greta led the humans on to the boiling tar pit. Soon they would only be a memory. ‘I was such a fool to trust them once,’ Max mused as his gunshot scar ached. ‘Never again. The others are next.’” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Les is purchasing celery. The celery is sticking out of the bag. We all know how this ends. Cancer, of course. And his pants fall down. But mostly cancer.” –Voshkod

“Betting on football to make a few dollars? Scummy and unethical. Selling the story of your wife’s death by cancer to Hollywood (twice)? Saintly, heroic, maybe even Christ-like.” –Schroduck

“No, bullshit. If Les Moore got into sports to feel superior to other people, he would definitely choose baseball. I don’t think I need to elaborate.” –Dan

“Well, you finally did it, boys. You finally made Mrs Wilson’s brain check its own damn self into The Pudding Factory of No Return. Just look at her. Is this what you wanted? Who’s going to be doing all the baking now?” –made of wince

“The man in the baseball cap grimaces. ‘Appending a superfluous too to a sentence that already begins with Ditto, Reference Lady?’ he thinks. ‘In front of a WRITER? The man just alienated 65% of his audience by slagging the fantasy football industry — do you really think he won’t turn on YOU, too?’ He shakes his head and stares at the floor, avoiding the carnage to come.” –Doctor Moreau

“I was trying to figure out why Lillian is so pissed about being asked to play the organ in church. Then I wondered, is playing the organ in Crankshaft deadly for some reason? Is this like ‘The Lottery’ where the community is basically nominating someone to die? This sounds absurd, yet I buy this explanation more than the idea that Lillian has something better to do.” –jenna

“Anyway, calling it now, Leroy is Q.” –BeeKey

“Once again, Snuffy demonstrates his own super-power — the ability to slouch in the general vicinity of a tree stump, without actually having to make contact.” –Pozzo

“Max looks embarrassed by this whole episode, as well he should be.” –TheDiva

“Wonder Woman! I mean, can you think of a better role model? Plus, this being National Women’s History Month, what better inspiration to young girls everywhere, that they too can grow up to a superher– [sees Weezy] er, Superman! Women-folk b’long in the home, ‘cept when goin’ out to fetch water while thar huzbins lean on stumps!” –Carsick Yankee

“Crankshaft’s look of disappointment is heartbreaking. Sculptors are walking around with their chainsaws well after the judging has begun, in clear violation of the rules. And his fellow judges are about to pin the grand prize on the artist who didn’t even show up. There’s simply no way to make this contest any more of a laughingstock than it already is. All that work crafting just the right lame ice-based pun, wasted. The Dark Lord of Chaos is going to be unhappy with his servant.” –Doctor Moreau

“But enough about that. What about these ‘Social Symptoms” I’ve been having? Will penicillin help?” –Hibbleton

“So what are the Kids These Days doing during the pandemic since they can’t leave the house? ‘Zooming,’ you say? Thanks, you helped me finish my comic for the week! No, don’t bother telling me what it means, I’m sure my joke will make perfect sense!” –Morgan Wick

“WHAT HARM CAN [ANCIENT ALIEN ABOMINATION FROZEN IN A BLOCK OF ICE FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS] DO?” –ArtofWargames, on Twitter

“See, this is why you get a cat and not a dog. Cats don’t relive the trauma of the time they got shot every time there’s a thunderstorm because a cat would never take a bullet for you in the first place. That’s not what they signed up for.” –Truckosaurus

“‘What harm can it do?’ is the most dangerous thing you can say in a Funkyverse strip. No doubt the sunlight refracted through the uncut cube is going to spark a deadly fire, and a firefighter will slip and fall on the ice while trying to fight it. The heavy cube will then fall off the pedestal and crush a promising young footballer’s foot, destroying his hopes of a scholarship. Trying to save him, an equally promising young pianist suffers frostbite and loses her fingers. As the cube slowly melts, it turns out the water is contaminated with poisonous dioxins that leak into the town’s water system. And then, worst of all, ten years from now this tragedy will inspire Les to write another awful book.” –Schroduck

“‘That thunder sounds like gunshots,’ said no one ever. Because they don’t. It was a real gunshot. A real attempt at suicide. The last desperate act of a character who realizes that her ultimate fate in this strip means her character will be settling down with the paunchy Saul and his collection of quirky but oh so lovable bow ties.” –Joe Momma

“Well, today’s Pluggers is from suburban Boston. Probably ‘believing in Western medicine and objective measurement of weight’ counts as pluggerdom there.” –Ettorre

“I beseech thee, ROTARC, dark eye of Winter! Bring my snowy creation to life!” –Enlong

“Today’s Pluggers seems like it could’ve been one of those ribald strips where the caption is something like ‘A plugger’s version of [insert something that sounds vaguely sexual]’ and the drawing shows the plugger doing something non-sexual to once again remind us that pluggers do not have sex. Maybe the joke was originally going to be ‘A plugger only strips down at his annual physical weigh-in’ before the writer decided to tone it down, ruining the joke but sparing us the image of a near-naked plugger.” –jenna

“‘Isn’t it ironic?’ sighed Mr. Pouch in panel 2. ‘All the cocaine in the world, and yet I have no nose!’” –BigTed

“‘Do you know my arm is stuck like this?’ ‘You hum it and I’ll play it!’ ‘STOP SAYING THAT AND FETCH THE DEEP HEAT’” –Applemask

“Catering a theater group luncheon is at best a zero-sum game, because in order to pay for it, the people you’re serving also need to work for you as servers.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“A child sees the block‘s potential forms, and rejoices. An adult sees the block and thinks it is unfinished because an adult has not chipped and blasted its infinite potential into a single form. A wise man, well, we don’t know because wise men don’t read Crankshaft.” –jerp jump

“Fuckin’ hell, narration box, did it ring or did it buzz? I swear to god, Mary Worth, you better straighten up and fly right, we’re in a goddamn pandemic and I do not have time for your nonsense.” –els

“Max is gone? My God! We better call News Week. That’s a cover story if I ever heard one. Maybe they’ll put us on the cover, too! You’re gonna be famous, Greta! What do you think about ‘Dog Gone’ for a headline?” –made of wince

“Several hours have passed between panels two and three of Marvin, so either Jenny was yelling at Jeff for a long long time or Jeff is lying awake thinking over the mistakes that led him to where he is now. They started well before that exchange, Jeff!” –matt w

“Alice knows better than to just walk into a room in her own house. She has to peek in first and see if Dennis is in there and, if so, what he’s doing. It’s a whole process, but she’s got it down pat.” –Joe Blevins

“It’s a terrible suggestion because you can’t just choose to develop diabetes. So impractical.” –Karen Davis, on Facebook