Post Content

Puzzles, kids’ features, horoscopes and bridge columns (I’m lookin’ at you, Omar Sharif!) too often fly under the radar of the comics snarking community, and spread their poison to impressionable readers with impunity. But when a feature oversteps the boundaries of tolerance and simple decency — well, the time has come for responsible citizens to act.

I speak, of course, of The Jumble.

The Jumble, 6/26/2008, 6/27/2008, 6/11/2008, 6/28/2008

Why The Jumble? And why now? The case is clear:

Unspeakable filth — I don’t care who Gwoin is, or how gluid she may be. The brazen tart should keep her noppil to herself, and stop moonik those poor birds. Oh, and Douot? Your fluent Bulgarian doesn’t confuse us: “Tosop stegak bronca” means “Flip a coin and ride her like a wild horse” in any language!

Reactionary gender politics — Think you can force indebted Japanese women to wear an “Owing guild poplin kimono”? Or steal their guns while you burn their forest enclave in a surprise “Aglow bower forced disarm”? Think again, pal!

Mixed messages — “Good stock” may play on Wall Street, but here on Main Street we get mad when somebody wants “To sock God.” So “Go to docks” — and we’ll be waiting for ya, buddy! And don’t think we can’t see that “Blank joint, grubby cougar” is a direct insult to the comfortable lodgings of our beloved Mary Worth.

Hocke your ungle, rothax unnoib! Let poise queue your varied byword! Frankly, you’re nothing to look at.

Should the race always be to the swift, or The Jumble to the quick-witted? The time has come to raise our voices as one, and cry “No”!

PS. The Lumpies are traveling today — Sunday comics this evening!

— Uncle Lumpy

Post Content

Spider-Man, 5/10/06

Folks, if you’re tired from “Spider-Man is lame” posts from me, you should write angry letters to Stan Lee and demand that Spider-Man STOP BEING SO GODDAMN LAME. For those of you keeping track at home, the last time Spidey actually tangled with anything remotely resembling a supervillain was nearly a year ago, when he fought the Rhino. Since then, he battled a greedy but entirely human doctor out to patent his blood, which included a distasteful a sequence in which he briefly assumed the identity of “Gown Man”; and spent all of 2006 so far attempting to recapture his spider-suit (the relative suit of a spider!) from a suicidal loser, in the process taking on the sneer-worthy “Justice Guy” persona.

On Sunday, the strip’s teaser promised that at long last we’d be seeing a new nemesis for Spidey: the Panthress! Who of course is actually just a role played by Mary Jane’s sexy older costar. Presumably Spider-Man will have to battle her in some yawn-inducing manner that doesn’t involve web-slinging, wall-crawling, or kicking ass in any way, shape, or form. In fact, he’ll probably find some laughable reason to infiltrate the set under a new identity: Production Assistant Lad!

Jumble, 5/10/06

So the Jumble has strippers in it now? Huh. This is either a sign of “We’re desperate for readers and this is how low we’ll stoop” or “Nobody reads this anymore so we’re just going to put in zoo porn and see what happens.”

The presence of the grinning sailors — in full uniform — is a nice touch. I think it’s charming that the Navy keeps the old school white-bell-bottoms-and-black-cravat-and-little-hat get-ups in active service. I used to live in the San Francisco area, and during Fleet Week the whole town would be crawling with those guys, and they looked like they had walked right out of a World War II movie. It was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen, and I lived in San Francisco for nearly six years.

Post Content

Jumble, 5/20/05

How lame was today’s comics section? So lame that the first thing that caught my eye was in the first clue in the Jumble. I mean … there’s a cartoon in it, right? And it’s on the comics page, right? So it must be fair game for this blog. Anyway, I never do the Jumble, but it’s pretty obvious to me that the answer to the first clue is “kinky.” Kinky! Right there in the funny pages! My God, the children!

Anyway, in searching for an online graphic version of the Jumble that would save me from having to scan the thing, I discovered to my mingled wonder and horror that you can play a Macromedia Shockwave-version of the game online! No, really:

http://www.jumble.com/play.html

I swear, I don’t mean to sound like an ad for the damn thing — I certainly couldn’t be bothered to actually play, but I’m fascinated that this online version exists. Here is one of the most traditional, snooze-inducing, for-old-people-only comic features available, and it’s making use of cutting-edge (well, OK, 2003-era, but still) Internet technology to establish its Web presence. I mean, what’s next? Flash-based interactive Gil Thorp? Mary Worth virtual reality goggles? An upload jack that goes into the back of your skull and makes you believe that you are Hagar the Horrible? The mind boggles.

Also on the same pages: genuine, authorized Gil Thorp paraphernalia, including a “Property of Milford High Athletic Dept.” shirt. Just in case you were wondering what to get me for Christmas.