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Spider-Man, 12/15/04

One of the great joys of starting to read a new serial comic strip in the middle of a storyline is the feeling of loopy disorientation you get trying to get a hold on events as they unfold at a rate of three panels a day. With some strips, the problem is that nothing at all seems to be happening, and then it just keeps on not happening (e.g., Steve Roper and Judge Parker); with others, you have lots of jarring changes in focus and incomprehensible action because about seventeen things are happening at once to people who all look alike (e.g., Gil Thorp).

Then there’s Spider-Man (or, perhaps more properly, The Amazing Spider-Man). I already know the basics about Spider-Man (he does everything a spider can, yadda yadda), and of course the superhero genre features its share of outlandish clothing, but I was definitely not prepared for that … outfit … that this “Kraven” person has on. I mean, where to start? With the textured cape, designed to look like a lion’s mane? With the cat-like eyes, strategically placed over the nipples? The chain across the front, over the washboard abs? The skintight leopard-print pants with matching arm and wrist bands? The animal-tooth studded belt?

In short, the dude is pretty fly. Despite the fact that he’s obviously dressed for supervilliany, though, this week’s Spider-Man mostly involves a rather pissy verbal exchange between Kraven and Spidey in front of the paparazzi. Presumably the ass-kicking will begin in due time.

Superhero comics are good for sound effects, too. Note the FWIPP in panel two — the extra P is for extra, um, spideryness. Also, Kraven may be some sort of bad-ass lion-themed criminal mastermind, but he still says “Sigh” aloud, Charlie Brown-style.

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The Phantom, 12/14/04

One of the defining characteristics of works of fiction is that they aren’t happening in the real world. That won’t come as a shock to most, but many authors find themselves berated by obsessive readers and/or viewers about unrealistic or inconsistent plot developments or details — like “The Enterprise just went to Warp 12, but they said earlier that you can’t go past Warp 10,” or “Nobody just passes out from their first hit of meth,” or “You can’t keep a tiger in a hotel room — where would it go to the bathroom?”

Well, this one’s for you, fanboys; I hope you’re happy. Better make that a real big housekeeping tip, Walker.

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In an attempt to be positive despite the cruel oppression under which I suffer, I thought I’d offer some extra-special serial comic-y goodness today. These strips will serve both to amuse and to show those bastards at the Sun how wrong, wrong, wrong their whole decision-making process is.

Apartment 3-G, 12/13/04

This is great. Margo has long ago managed to alienate her roommates, her family, and her clients. Now she’s managing to antagonize even her fellow enslaved garment workers. And if that pissy face in the last panel is any indication, she’s still managing to learn nothing from this whole experience. And why the tree, anyway? I think these guys are pretty half-assed about the whole ruthless-exploitation-of-the-innocent thing.

Mary Worth, 12/13/04

Let’s see … housedress … housedress … choir robe … why, Anna, it looks like you’ve got plenty of nice things. I don’t see why you have to waste your money down at the store!

Now, can Zits match any of that? I ask you.