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I do hope that no one who reads this blog (except for that bastard Bil Keane) takes my misanthropic rantings seriously. The reader who I named and shamed as the “Pervert from Edmonton” yesterday has revealed herself to be a very nice person named Sarah, who, as she put it, “was bored at work and tried to come up the most bizarre searches possible containing only words found in your blog. It amused me greatly and managed to kill almost 20 minutes.”

Now, obviously I would never criticize anyone who is using my blog to avoid working, since that is more or less what I use it for. (In fact, I’m avoiding work right now!) Sarah suggests such time-wasting activity as good fodder for a contest, which I heartily agree with, so go nuts, everybody. We’ll see if I can distinguish between the zany searches from my loyal readers and filthy searches from actual perverts.

Oh, and a linkback goes to Things I hate about…, which is a blog that, believe it or not, is much more misanthropic than mine.

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The Middletons, 9/16/04

I think one of the cardinal laws of visual comedy is that often what the human mind can visualize is funnier than anything you could draw. This law is well illustrated in today’s Middletons. We’re free to imagine the steroid-enhanced middle-school behemoths who play for our heroes’ opponents at whatever gargantuan scale we find most amusing.

Of course, it would be funnier if our overmatched tykes had recognizable facial expressions that emphasized their plight. Admittedly, it’s hard to depict them as being wide-eyed with terror when the average Middletons character has eyes that already cover three-quarters of his or her face. At first, I thought there was sweat blob coming off the player on the left in the third panel a là Cathy, but it just turned out to be the date.

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Jump Start, 9/15/04

Today’s question: What’s the most recent year in which a joke about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would have been funny?

No peeking at your neighbors’ papers! Now, are you ready?

We would accept as an answer any year between 1987 and 1989. We would also accept the answer my fiancee gave when I asked her this question, which was “Not this one.”

Actually, since I don’t have kids, for all I know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles may be back now, just like the Care Bears and Strawberry Shortcake and other crappy stuff from my youth. If that’s the case, please don’t tell me; I’d rather remain blissfully ignorant.

(Oh, and confidential to Pervert in Edmonton: Maybe I would have believed that someone might be searching Google for any one of “beetle bailey ‘s pimp nude ass,” “cartoon ziggy in spandex purple fuzzy penis,” or “mary worth naked,” but all three search terms coming from a single computer raises suspicions that someone’s trying to skew my referral logs. The searches for “hillbilly blitzkrieg” and “blondie bumstead sex comics” — the latter on MSN, surely a search engine for bottom feeders if ever there were one — remain unexplained, and disturbing.)