Metapost: The week’s top comments … you want ’em, we got ’em
Post Content
Your COTW is right here, right now!
“Hey guys, an app that can load the dishwasher is called a robot. How soon we forget the tropes of yesteryear.” –Hibbleton
Your runners up are also hilarious!
“Hey, if Wilbur had been walking just a little faster, the kid would have barreled into him and WILBUR would have exploded under the wheels of the mysterious army-green van. I think the kid was given a job by the syndicate, and he just fucked up.” –Charterstoned
“Pavel wants my death to be a private affair, I want it to be catered with at least twenty close friends in attendance. I already have my coffin pattern registered.” –Garrison Skunk
“The enemy must be nearby. Looks like a foot patrol. [‘Booooo!’] We always knew our adversaries were trying to get a toehold in the region. [‘Booooooo!’] Truly, these heels have become our arch-nemeses. Destroying us is their sole purpose. This is just the first step to- [*gets pelted with rotten fruit, expired eggs, and stray feet*]’ –jroggs
“Now we see why Kit Jr. suddenly, and without advance notice, returned to the Deep Woods from Himalayas Tech — he flunked out. It isn’t that he struggled with the advanced courses such as ‘Philosophical Defenses of Colonialism’ or ‘Tax Loopholes Regarding the Plundering and Hoarding of Antiquities’ or even the intermediate-level courses such as ‘Wearing Ridiculous Costumes’. No, this dunce couldn’t even manage the very basic courses such as ‘Skulking Silently’, ‘Situational Awareness 101’, and the lab course on ‘The Hazards of Chains’. Up in the big Skull Cave in the Sky, 20 previous generations of Phantoms are watching this sad spectacle, shaking their heads, and saying ‘No. Just no.’” –seismic-2
“Well, I learned something today: the characters in Crock don’t seem to have any kind of blood or bones, they’re made of a kind of homogenous pink matter, like a kind of living pâté. It doesn’t really increase my enjoyment of the strip, but it does remove the last bit of sympathy I had for the characters, as at least avatars of humanity.” –pugfuggly
“Kit Jr. is learning why you can’t do this job in regular clothes like a dumbass. The reason for wearing a garish skin-tight costume is that the confusion is audible in the bad guys, alerting you to their presence behind you.” –Tabby Lavalamp
“I love the Dumb Disheveled Dad podcast.” –Norbizness, on BlueSky
“No OMs either. He’s dead, Killer. That’s rigor mortis setting in.” –astroboy
“I love Brigman’s choice of having the panel’s frame cut off the bottom half of Wilbur’s face, leaving the expression his mouth is making to the sick imaginations of her readers. I personally am picturing him tongue lolling like a Snuffy Smith character.” –Drew Funk
“You know what, I think he did mean AI, because … he just said that? I’m not trying to be an asshole here, I just think that you might not be really paying attention.” –pugfuggly
“Man, now I have a new reason to fear death: I really don’t want a ghostly cloaca.” –Lionheart
“There is no pavement, no modern infrastructure around the computer store. I’ve seen enough cartoons to know a mirage when I see one. Both ladies are suffering from heat stroke and hallucinating a futuristic store selling futuristic goods. Is the joke that they will both die soon or that their last thoughts before their inconsequential lives are snuffed out by nature are how much they hate Maggot and would like to sell him into slavery, but there would be no buyers? Or is it a meta-textual joke on how I’ve spent five precious minutes thinking about this and will never get those back?” –Old Man Shadow
“Fortunately for us, and perhaps the beneficiary of Gertie’s will, that combustion engine doesn’t appear to be connected to a drivetrain, only an exhaust system, the better to make her specialty kale-banana-carbon-monoxide smoothies.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
“Say what you will about Wilbur, at least he invested some of his Ask Wendy Advice Column money in a shaving kit.” –A Worthy Foe
“Historically (or mythologically I guess) the Greek gods visit human women for sex. That’s what’s meant to be happening here, right? So Poseidon’s line about hydration is intended sexually, like ‘Time to hydrate, because you’re going to lose a lot of fluids during the ensuing hours of sweaty intercourse we’re about to have!’ You’d think a god could come up with a better pick-up line.” –Stuart F
“I’ve had worse. From a C-ration on day four in Bastogne. I ate it cold because a flame would have have drawn snipers. So, yes, dear, I’ve had worse — but with better company.” –Voshkod
“We are dangerously close to Wilbur deciding that women like ape-like men, Googling Ape-Man seeking some illegal steroid that promises results, but accidentally falling down the Furry rabbit-hole (no pun intended) and emerging as a terrifying ape persona! However, if this ends up being a King Kong storyline with Wilbur shot down from the tallest tower in Santa Royale, it will have been worth it.” –Philip
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53 replies to “Metapost: The week’s top comments … you want ’em, we got ’em”
Springboard Shadow CsOTW
Just John
April 15th, 2024 at 2:56 pm Reply
@Professor Well Actually: Rex Morgan: I’m assuming the other dog will eat the brownies, get sick and need the attention of a vet = medical drama.
——————————————————
No licensed vet being available in the vicinity, Rex will branch out on the spot and rush over to perform an emergency chocolate-ectomy surgery on the poor doggo.
Creepy Condescending Wonka
April 18th, 2024 at 10:12 amReply
@Guillermo el chiclero: Mary Worth: I drink of Wilbur’s suffering as of it were the sweetest wine.
——————————————————
I prefer a nice dry Sauvignon Blanc. But, you do you.
Sequitur
April 19th, 2024 at 7:22 amReply
@Guillermo el chiclero: Pluggers: Showing a plugger anything that could be described as health food is like showing a crucifix to Dracula.
——————————————————
Another thing pluggers have in common with Dracula is that pluggers suck.
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Special Long-form Shadow CsOTW
seismic-2
April 15th, 2024 at 5:14 am Reply
Phantom: Now we see why Kit Jr. suddenly, and without advance notice, returned to the Deep Woods from Himalayas Tech – he flunked out. It isn’t that he struggled with the advanced courses such as “Philosophical Defenses of Colonialism” or “Tax Loopholes Regarding the Plundering and Hoarding of Antiquities” or even the intermediate-level courses such as “Wearing Ridiculous Costumes“. No, this dunce couldn’t even manage the very basic courses such as “Skulking Silently“, “Situational Awareness 101“, and the lab course on “The Hazards of Chains“. Up in the big Skull Cave in the Sky, 20 previous generations of Phantoms are watching this sad spectacle, shaking their heads, and saying “No. Just no.”
Schroduck
April 17th, 2024 at 5:00 am Reply
Gasoline Alley: [I stumble out of a time machine in Frank King’s office, 1918] “Look, look, your strip will still be going 106 years from now! With punchlines revolving around technology that people of your primitive era can’t even comprehend!”
[He takes my phone, squints at the screen] “I don’t understand…”
“Well, gasoline cars are increasingly becoming obsolete due to climate change and advances in lithium ion battery technology, while electronic computers have been invented and have reached the point where they can process the entire corpus of human knowledge and respond to questions semi-convincingly through a chat interface…”
“No, I mean, I don’t understand why Walt isn’t dead yet?”
astroboy
April 17th, 2024 at 7:48 amReply
Mary Worth: That’s it, Wilbur’s going to become a costumed vigilante. MayoMan!
He’ll be like Night Owl in his later days: paunchy, lazy and flaccid. But, he won’t have a young hottie like Laurie Jupiter around to change any of that.
I can just see Wilbur hovering over Santa Royale in his Flying Mayo Jar, waving a nearly-empty bottle of Purple Drank and misquoting The Watchmen. “You’re not locked in here with Wilbur! Wilbur’s locked in here with…waitaminute…”
Stuart F
April 18th, 2024 at 8:12 amReply
Six Chix: Historically (or mythologically I guess) the Greek gods visit human women for sex. That’s what’s meant to be happening here, right? So Poseidon’s line about hydration is intended sexually, like “Time to hydrate, because you’re going to lose a lot of fluids during the ensuing hours of sweaty intercourse we’re about to have!” You’d think a god could come up with a better pick-up line.
TheDiva
April 19th, 2024 at 7:25 amReply
Mary Worth: Ape-Zak gazes down at Iris with soulful eyes. His large, hairy arms are no doubt imbued with the strength to crush a ribcage to powder, yet he holds Iris with extraordinary tenderness and delicacy. Meanwhile Iris looks at her monstrous suitor in wonder, marveling at how such savagery and such gentleness can be united in one remarkable whole. Wilbur’s such a perennial loser that even his self-gratifying fantasies end with the woman turning him down in favor of a Shape of Water-style monster-f***ing.
Special Extra Long-form Shadow CsOTW
Lauralot
April 17th, 2024 at 5:02 am Reply
Mary Worth:
Where have all the dipsticks gone and where are all the schlubs?
Where’s the balding columnist who stockpiles mayo tubs?
Isn’t there a Nice Guy to pen a drunken screed?
Late at night I refresh CK and I dream of what I need
I need a hero, I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the strip
He’s gotta be rude and he’s gotta be crude
And he’s gotta be lacking in drip
I need a hero, I’m holding out for a hero till the morning light
He’s gotta be plain and he’s gotta be vain
And he’s gotta be larger than life
Larger than life
jroggs
April 17th, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
Judge Parker: Whoa, wow, okay. Looks like we’re jumping straight into the execution of the plan to defeat Pavel. I’ve said before that I don’t mind at all if Pavel won in the short term at the end of the first story so long as Marciuliano realized that’s what he was doing, but sure enough it looks like Marciuliano only recognized (or more likely was told) this problem long after the story was done, so now we’re getting a speedrun rematch to wrap this up as quickly as possible. We don’t get to know what the plan is, of course, because Marciuliano has heard somewhere that missions in fiction should never go perfectly to stated plan, and he’d be stuck in a corner yet again if Pavel and his boys had a shred of competence to muff up Helena’s scheme, so instead nobody gets to know the plan so it can go off flawlessly.
Anyway, Step One of the plan appears to be putting a box in front of Pavel’s house, somehow unnoticed by his lots of security detail [sic]. What’s inside?
1. Naked April in a big cake, whose glorious voluptuous body will distract Pavel’s henchmen and give Helena a clear path to Pavel.
2. Naked Randy in a big cake, who will drive Pavel’s henchmen to use all their ammunition shooting him to pieces and give Helena and April a clear path to Pavel.
3. Naked Helena in a big cake, whose wrinkled elderly flesh will cause Pavel’s henchmen to turn their guns on themselves and give April a clear path to Pavel.
4. Naked Pavel in a big cake, somehow, who will lose the respect and loyalty of his henchmen when they see his unusually hairy butt. Seriously, you could shear that keister and supply a wigmaker for a frigging year.
5. Naked bear in a big cake, which would honestly probably work really well.
6. Just a big cake. It’s never too late to make friends. Though I’m not sure Pavel would want to associate with such terrible people.
Charterstoned
April 17th, 2024 at 5:34 amReply
Mary Worth: Standing at the window of her Charterstone condo, Mary trained her binoculars on Iris, Zak, and Wilbur as they encountered each other on the walking trail. She smiled in smug satisfaction as she watched them pretending not to be uncomfortable, then returned to her sofa to continue playing with her Santa Royale Chessboard. The board was open on the coffee table, with its roads and pathways, residences, community college, and commercial district all plainly illustrated in the squares. Her hand hovered for a moment, then dropped delicately to select a figure from her collection of voodoo pieces that represented members from the whole community—including even the animals—as well as special pieces from Outside: these included characters from such locales as the nearby town of Taft, a town in Connecticut, a cruise ship. As she held the voodoo piece in her hand, Mary frowned, considering her next move. A sudden thought made her cackle in glee, and she tossed the piece back onto the table. It fell hard, bouncing on the surface before landing next to the Little Boy piece with the damaged legs. “Oh, nooooooo!” she laughed, and waited for the phone to ring with the news that Carlos Alora had fallen off his ladder.
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Special Extra Extra Long-form Shadow COTW
Charterstoned
April 16th, 2024 at 9:12 am Reply
Mary Worth: The man sagged in his chair, semi-conscious, and barely registeterd the gravelly voice of one of his captors to “Wake him up!” before he screamed in pain, as the lit end of a cigarette was stubbed out on his cheek.
“He’s awake now, Boss.”
“Excellent.” The gravelly voice came from the darkness outside the circle of blinding light that was focused on his face. “Then I’ll ask you again. Where’s the kid?”
“I told you, I don’t KNOW!” the man whimpered. He shook his head and tightened his lips against the pain and humiliation. “Please. Please, he’s just a boy!”
“I know. A boy who had a job to do. Who didn’t take care of business. And now,” the voice continued, softer, but with that gravelly edge to it, “now, I’m out a ball. Balls don’t come cheap, pal.”
“I’ll buy you a new ball, I swear!” the man pleaded.
“And what about the Schlub? The kid was supposed to take out the Schlub. Oh, wait! Did you think I just gave him a lot of dough and a good ball for nothin’?” The voice suddenly had a face, a leering face that came out of the light and sneered at the man who struggled against the ropes that tied him. “No. No, I’m afraid I can’t afford to just pass out money here and there. And I definitely can’t spare the ball.”
“But he tried to take out the Schlub! He did! It’s just that his legs don’t work that great since he was born a cripple and never learned how to walk right, and he missed his footing!”
“‘He missed his footing!’” The mimicking voice had receded back into the darkness, and was now accompanied by the sound of the angry pacing on the concrete floor. The footsteps came back, and the face. “Yeah, he missed his footing, and he missed the Schlub. And now I miss my money. And my BALL.”
“WHY? WHY do you have to take out the Schlub?? He seems harmless enou–!” The man’s outburst was ended by a sudden, hard slap that struck across his mouth.
“I’ll tell you why. Sure, I’ll tell you, because you’ll never live to tell another living soul. The Schlub outperformed my girlfriend at karaoke. I own the damn joint, and he comes in and what does he have to do but be PRETTY GOOD. He HUMILIATED her, pal. And I don’t take that from NOBODY.” There was the sound of heavy breathing. “I hired the kid to do a job, see? And I expect something in return. So now YOU’RE going to take care of the Schlub, see?”
“But–but I don’t–!” Another slap.
“But you DO. You DO, got it? And THIS time there won’t be any mistakes. I’m right, aren’t I? THIS time, you’ll do what I already paid the kid to take care of, only he DIDN’T. So if you want to see the kid again, you’d better do the job right.”
“I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t hurt my brother! He’s all I’ve got! Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it, I swear!”
“That’s more like it. Vito, give him the dress.”
“The…dress?” the man asked, uncertainty and confusion in his voice.
“Yeah. The dress. We’re gonna work on you for a while–Doctor, you have your instruments?–and then you’re gonna go out there and play dress up. A quiet walk in a deserted park, you and the Schlub. Only you’ll be going as the Schlub’s EX. That way you can get close to him, before you give him THIS…!” The end of a snub-nosed revolver caught the light. “And you’ll do it because you want to see the kid again.”
The man slumped in his chair. He had no choice. His mother had told him that karaoke would get him into trouble, and she had been right. “I’ll do it.”
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 1
Bob Tice
April 13th, 2024 at 4:29 am Reply
Mary Worth: “He’s a living, breathing hero veterinarian…why, that Harding boy disabled a coyote by punching it in the solar plexus when it tried to attack a pet here in Santa Royale. Oh…wait a minute…that was a *Hardy* boy, not a *Harding* boy!”
MKay
April 13th, 2024 at 4:38 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Damn hero.He gets to march in the Veterinarians’ Day parade, too.”
Schroduck
April 13th, 2024 at 4:46 am Reply
Mary Worth: The name “Baby Bombers” isn’t giving “darnedest Little League team” so much as “edgy thrash metal band whose songs are all called ‘Toilet Mutilation’ and ‘Satan Exploded the Nuns’”.
jroggs
April 13th, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
Hi and Lois: If there’s one rallying cause that gets late grade school boys obsessively excited, it’s preverbal infants. Yep. Young men on the cusp of puberty in a competitive environment? Baby fever.
Secret Bear
April 13th, 2024 at 6:10 am Reply
Hi and Lois: More importantly, what the hell is the joke supposed to be here? Is there one? I’m starting my Saturday blinded with rage over this.
taig
April 13th, 2024 at 8:33 am Reply
Daddy Daze: “It’s pronounced, ‘bi’-det, idiot child!”
Horace Broon
April 13th, 2024 at 10:13 am Reply
Flash Gordon: Okay, we’ve been talking about pirate miners for a while now, and I’m still not entirely sure how one mines for pirates.
Poteet
April 13th, 2024 at 1:58 pm Reply
Judge Parker: Oh wonderful, Helena’s back. As a Boomer woman, I will observe that Helena strongly reminds me of a certain Extremely Mean Girl I knew in junior high, and that’s one reason I hope she will fall off a very tall cliff with no bungee cord.
The Rambling Otter
April 13th, 2024 at 2:29 pm Reply
Hi and Lois: Ditto: Hey look! Mr. Thurston is drinking a beer, let’s call ourselves the Beers!
Artist formerly known as Ben
April 13th, 2024 at 3:32 pm Reply
Mother Goose and Grimm: I always thought of grotesque bird people discussing their sordid sex lives as more of a Shoe thing. The hairdresser must be angling for a transfer, for some reason.
Bob Tice
April 14th, 2024 at 4:29 am Reply
Mary Worth: “You can have an impact anywhere you are.”
— The Tonguska Asteroid which destroyed significant parts of remote imperial Russia on June 30, 1908
Liam
April 14th, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
Family Circus: Jeffy plans to run away and hide in an abandoned comic strip.
Hibbleton
April 14th, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
Judge Parker: I’m not really up on these things but wouldn’t an immoral ex-agent with the ability to walk through walls, apparently, simply kill Pavel and put an end to this?
jroggs
April 14th, 2024 at 4:55 am Reply
Mary Worth: This is why I always tell children they shouldn’t play with their hollow porcelain spheres outdoors. Not because they might get run over by a car; that just builds character. But they could get trampled by a waddling loser who inflicts upon them his contagious sense that they shouldn’t be alive… but they are!
Charterstoned
April 14th, 2024 at 5:21 am Reply
Mary Worth: Hey, if Wilbur had been walking just a little faster, the kid would have barreled into him and WILBUR would have exploded under the wheels of the mysterious army-green van. I think the kid was given a job by the syndicate, and he just fucked up.
Liam
April 14th, 2024 at 5:43 am Reply
Mary Worth: And from that day forth to avoid becoming like Wilbur that young boy gave up mayonnaise and took up alcohol instead.
Ukulele Ike
April 14th, 2024 at 6:45 am Reply
Judge Parker: April needs volumizing hair product. She looks like the “before” picture in a shampoo ad. Let’s show those gunmen a bouncy, healthy mane, like Mom’s.
Knightley
April 14th, 2024 at 7:01 am Reply
Mary Worth: Finally a worthy successor to Newspaper Spider-Man. Watch and be amazed as Wilbur’s ineptitude, general unpleasantness, and frustratingly good luck make him the savior of all in Santa Royale, entirely by coincidence!
White Rabbit
April 14th, 2024 at 8:13 am Reply
Mary Worth: Hey, Wilbur isn’t totally self-centered! He said, “Excuse me…” Is that the act of a complete narcissist? He might have said, “Watch your ass, you little creep, or I’ll shove it under a bus!” like a latter-day Frank Sinatra. But no! By comparison, Wilbur is a regular Mother Teresa, except he has the sheer overwhelming avoirdupois to absorb impact from a running kid without falling over.
Horace Broon
April 14th, 2024 at 8:23 am Reply
Slylock Fox: Good on Cassandra for defying the stereotype about obsessively neat cats, I guess.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
April 14th, 2024 at 11:03 am Reply
Mary Worth: Hats off to Wilbur: it’s not every day that you find someone is a schlemiel, a schlimazel and a schmendrik all at the same time.
Kevin on Earth
April 15th, 2024 at 4:42 am Reply
Phantom: I guess the silencer on the chain is just above the top of the panel.
Bob Tice
April 15th, 2024 at 4:55 am Reply
Phantom: “Didn’t you see the sign, pal? — NO TANK TOPS!”
Little Guy
April 15th, 2024 at 5:09 am Reply
Phantom: Four Words — The Chronicle of Wilbur.
Schroduck
April 15th, 2024 at 5:09 am Reply
Phantom: Sun Tzu has many wise things to say about surprise in warfare. “He who is prudent and lies in wait for an enemy who is not will be victorious.” “To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.” “Strangling your enemy from behind with a big ol’ iron chain is usually a good idea, but maybe if you’re attacking a guy who is holding a giant bolt cutter you should try a different strategy.”
pugfuggly
April 15th, 2024 at 5:19 am Reply
Alice: I’m fairly certain that ‘Parrot Medicine Time’ was an electro-folk indie band from the mid aughts, and “2x Daily’ was the name of their first and only album, released only on cassette.
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 2
Lauralot
April 15th, 2024 at 5:28 amReply
Mary Worth: It’s I wish I WERE someone’s hero, Moy, not I wish I WAS. Like this:
If I were someone’s hero, mayo mayo mayo munch mayo mayo mayo much, all day long I’d mayo mayo munch, if I were someone’s hero!
With deepest apologies to Norman Newell.
jroggs
April 15th, 2024 at 5:35 am Reply
Crankshaft: Characters like Lillian Mackenzie are why I think Tom Batiuk is a terrible writer. Characters like Harry Dinkle are why I think Tom Batiuk is a terrible person.
astroboy
April 15th, 2024 at 6:28 am Reply
Mary Worth: The Wilbur Sandwich: Drunken Noodles with Mayo, served on a shirt.
Horace Broon
April 15th, 2024 at 9:46 am Reply
Mary Worth: If you’d asked me to imagine “Mary Worth doing ‘Gunther’s a hero because he clocked a bully in the face with his backpack accidentally’, only stupider,” I’d have said “Making that stupider simply isn’t possible.” Congratulations, Moy, on exceeding everyone’s expectations yet again!
Lord Flatulence
April 15th, 2024 at 4:58 pm Reply
Phantom: Look out Kit. Nosferatu’s right behind you.
KMD
April 16th, 2024 at 4:30 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: Even in his bed, Beetle is under the Bodhi tree, pondering great questions–like why does he have four fingers on his hand while Plato and Killer have three?
Kevin on Earth
April 16th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
Mary Worth: Wilbur: “Oh no! What is this? ‘Exes day’? [awkwardly shuffles past discarded Hellman’s jar]
Little Guy
April 16th, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
Phantom: I guess L’il Kit needs more Phantoming.
MKay
April 16th, 2024 at 4:47 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: Beetle appears to be having a seizure. What letters should he be emitting?
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
April 16th, 2024 at 4:57 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: Ha, it’s funny because Beetle is showing signs of terminal agitation, restlessly striking out and pulling at imaginary threads! Go to the light, Beetle! Go to the light!!
jroggs
April 16th, 2024 at 4:58 am Reply
Luann: Maybe it’s good that Luann doesn’t get out much. If not for her laziness and aversion to life experience, she’d have long since ended up some doomsday cult leader’s nineteenth wife.
Scratchy Scrotum LXIX
April 16th, 2024 at 5:01 am Reply
Shoe: Fuck you Shoe or Perfesser or Cosmo or whichever lazy asshole is taking a gratuitous shot at the post office. Just fuck you.
Schroduck
April 16th, 2024 at 5:13 am Reply
Mary Worth: The “Scott Pilgrim” franchise really lost its charm once Scott grew up and became a balding middle-aged loser.
astroboy
April 16th, 2024 at 5:28 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: In the missing P3:
Plato: “No OMs either. He’s dead, Killer. That’s rigor mortis setting in.”
Hibbleton
April 16th, 2024 at 5:56 am Reply
Family Circus: Beanie smiles coyly thinking; “Wait till he finds I’m going commando.”
ectojazzmage
April 16th, 2024 at 6:19 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: “As you know, meditation involves doing The Robot in bed in order to reach oneness with the universe.”
Little Blue Bicycle
April 16th, 2024 at 6:46 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Hello Wilbur.”
“Hello Death. ”
“Upon further review, you really shouldn’t be alive.”
Maltmash3r
April 16th, 2024 at 8:27 am Reply
Mary Worth: Only Wilbur would consider that the woman he met at the dog park, had one date, and was rejected for still mooning over Iris as an “Ex”.
Anonymous
April 16th, 2024 at 9:01 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: Looks like the boys found Sarge’s inflatable sex doll.
Garrison Skunk
April 16th, 2024 at 10:07 am Reply
Six Chex In Search Of A Punchline would like you to know: Only 200 days left to whine until Halloween, so start letting your pumpkins get moldy while there’s still time!
Artist formerly known as Ben
April 16th, 2024 at 1:59 pm Reply
Luann: It’s one thing to fall for the old good cop/bad cop routine, but it takes a special kind of dim to fall for good/bad whatever these two are.
Chance
April 17th, 2024 at 4:34 am Reply
Blondie: Old tired comics with no creative spark, serving up hokey and/or laboriously unfunny “punchlines”? There should be an app for that!
MKay
April 17th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
Mary Worth: It should finally be dawning on Wilbur that he’s always tried to date WAY out of his league, and he needs to find a she-Wilbur.
Kevin on Earth
April 17th, 2024 at 5:00 am Reply
Mary Worth: Zak: “Hi there Wilbur!”
Wilbur: “Zak…{you’re built like a superhero!}”
Iris: “Wilbur! Let go of his crotch!”
Zak: “In a minute, Iris”
Hibbleton
April 17th, 2024 at 5:18 am Reply
Rhymes with Orange: The ghost kama sutra consists of one position.
Ettorre
April 17th, 2024 at 5:38 am Reply
Rhymes with Orange: They say that comics are not educational, but today I learned that ghosts have a different definition of “bottom.”
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 3
Tabby Lavalamp
April 17th, 2024 at 5:51 am Reply
Blondie: “Here’s a great modern appliance that takes away the drudgery of having to clean dishes by hand!”
“Forget it. I’ll just get a trough and hire someone to spray it down every couple of days.”
Bobby Sneakers
April 17th, 2024 at 6:00 am Reply
Rhymes with Orange: Is…is that doing it ghost-style?
Anonymous
April 17th, 2024 at 6:04 am Reply
Gasoline Alley: There you have it. According to AI, the preferred modern unit of area for a town is the acre. In your face, square kilometer!
nescio
April 17th, 2024 at 6:12 am Reply
Crock: That appears to be an antique store in Crock, there’s a late 90s iMac and a late 80s Macintosh. Then again with Crock’s artwork, they could represent anything from handbags to actual apples.
Hibbleton
April 17th, 2024 at 6:45 am Reply
Family Circus: [spoiler alert] I totally enjoyed tomorrow’s strip: Jeffy’s First Truss.
Ukulele Ike
April 17th, 2024 at 8:18 am Reply
Dick Tracy: Give him credit, aside from the sacks of cash everywhere, Scardol maintains a scrupulously neat kitchen.
Artist formerly known as Ben
April 17th, 2024 at 4:49 pm Reply
Mary Worth: While combing through the archives for proof that Zak is built like he always has been and Wilbur has a terrible memory, I reencountered his asinine near-fatal spill on the waterfall. Iris’s main question for men is, “Should you be alive? No? Okay, let’s go out.”
MKay
April 18th, 2024 at 4:30 am Reply
Mary Worth: Take heart, Wilbur! You’re making the world a better place for women to springboard to vastly superior men. You ARE a hero! You’re Captain Rebound!
jroggs
April 18th, 2024 at 4:52 am Reply
Six Chix: You all think you’re safe and fine out there, tapping on your computer keyboards and writing your snarky comments instead of making the proper offerings to the gods. Well, the chickens have come home to roost and you’re getting a special visit from Poseidon, who is going to “hydrate” your lungs abundantly for your lackadaisical apostasy.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
April 18th, 2024 at 4:55 am Reply
Gearhead Gertie: Fortunately for us, and perhaps the beneficiary of Gertie’s will, that combustion engine doesn’t appear to be connected to a drivetrain, only an exhaust system, the better to make her specialty kale-banana-carbon-monoxide smoothies.
Hibbleton
April 18th, 2024 at 5:02 am Reply
Mary Worth: We can only assume Zak’s physique comes naturally since interacting with Wilbur hasn’t induced ‘roid rage.
Ettorre
April 18th, 2024 at 5:14 am Reply
Six Chix: This reminds me of the myth of Poseidon gifting the city of Athens with a salt-water spring and then get surprised that Athenians prefer Athena’s gift. Go away Poseidon, you’re no one’s favourite god but Rick Riordan’s!
pugfuggly
April 18th, 2024 at 5:14 am Reply
Six Chix: Yeah, cuz clearly that hydration regime has worked out so well for you, what with your weird shriveled body and calves descended so low that they might as well be ankles(?)
Ettorre
April 18th, 2024 at 5:15 am Reply
Mary Worth: “You have a lot of stamina Zak? Well, I don’t care! You don’t need stamina if you finish very early!”
Tabby Lavalamp
April 18th, 2024 at 5:35 am Reply
Mary Worth: “You must work out regularly.” Look at him, Wilbur. LOOK AT HIM! This isn’t a man who burns most of his calories singing angrily!
EJ
April 18th, 2024 at 6:51 am Reply
Mary Worth: Oh no. There’s no way a “Wilbur decides to go to the gym” story arc can end well lol.
ectojazzmage
April 18th, 2024 at 7:20 am Reply
Six Chix: Unfortunately, this woman refuses and is promptly destroyed by a hurricane for slighting the god of the sea. Sad!
Drew Funk
April 18th, 2024 at 7:22 am Reply
Gearhead Gertie: No, Gertie, I’ve never seen your blender. I’ve never seen anyone’s blender! When I visit friends and relatives, I do not ask to see their blenders!
Professor Well Actually
April 18th, 2024 at 7:37 am Reply
Mary Worth: Wilbur needs to work as a garden gnome. He can’t be more than half as tall as Zak.
Myrtle
April 18th, 2024 at 11:09 amReply
Judge Parker: Shouldn’t she be rolled up in a rug? Where’s the flair?
Horace Broon
April 18th, 2024 at 12:05 pm Reply
Gil Thorp: “I’ve got this. It’s a baseball bat. You can try hitting the ball with a footlong if you like.”
Veronica
April 18th, 2024 at 1:16 pm Reply
Six Chix: Is part of the gimmick with Six Chix that the comics are draw directly in pen with no pencilling first and therefore no revisions? Is that why Posideon’s legs look like…that?
Dr. Pill
April 18th, 2024 at 2:59 pm Reply
Insanity Streak: “There must be more to life than being a wooden turducken.” Wisdom from the heart of a matryoshka doll.
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 4
Charterstoned
April 19th, 2024 at 4:39 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Zak and I have both been lifting weights, and we wanted to try something NEW…” Wilbur hears, suddenly lifted off his feet and raised high above the ground as Zak and Iris complete a series of overhead presses.
Hibbleton
April 19th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
Family Circus: Dolly makes yet another trip to Pet Sematary.
“No, Billy! PJ doesn’t fit!”
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
April 19th, 2024 at 5:08 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: George Wilson has had worse corned beef hash than the corned beef hash he’s having now? Woo-hoo! I’m cutting that one out and putting it up on my refrigerator!
The Quiet Man
April 19th, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Yes, the dog ate the whole pan of brownies and has crawled off somewhere where you’ll never find her to die of chocolate poisoning like we’ve been told ever since we were children (seriously, I was told point blank that chocolate kills dogs as a kid in flippin’ 1993). CAN WE MOVE THIS ALONG, PEOPLE???!!!!
taig
April 19th, 2024 at 5:13 am Reply
Family Circus: Looks like Dolly had to raid Mommy’s medicine cabinet, so she load Kittycat up with ‘ludes.
MW
April 19th, 2024 at 6:33 am Reply
Mary Worth: I just wish Wilbur could get that monkey off his back.
Daily Shadow CsOTW
Saturday
————
Weaselboy
April 13th, 2024 at 7:42 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “We’re not making peppermint bark, you stupid dog! We only make that at Christmastime!”
Myrtle
April 13th, 2024 at 12:24 pm Reply
Pluggers: Not that it matters what the keys unlock – the locked boxes, chests, and other items are all at the pawn shop.
Sunday
———-
Jerp+jump
April 14th, 2024 at 6:57 am Reply
Mary Worth: If Wilbur was on that bridge contemplating suicide à la It’s A Wonderful Life, the angel would just shove his ass off the bridge. “Happening to a be standing in the right place to save that kid’s life doesn’t change the fact that you suck in so many ways,” Clarence said, as he shoved a useless lump off the bridge. “Trust me, it’s for the best for everyone.”
Garrison Skunk
April 14th, 2024 at 8:34 am Reply
Judge Parker Brothers: “Pavel wants my death to be a private affair, I want it to be catered with at least twenty close friends in attendance. I already have my coffin pattern registered.”
Monday
———–
Tabby Lavalamp
April 15th, 2024 at 5:41 am Reply
Phantom: Kit Jr. is learning why you can’t do this job in regular clothes like a dumbass. The reason for wearing a garish skin-tight costume is that the confusion is audible in the bad guys, alerting you to their presence behind you.
Liam
April 15th, 2024 at 12:00 pm Reply
Phantom: I don’t know. I don’t think two people jumping rope with a short iron chain is a piece of cake.
Tuesday
———–
Hibbleton
April 16th, 2024 at 6:53 am Reply
Mary Worth: Wilbur runs into the angry Monsignor from his former church. “Look, Father. Anyone with a Sunday morning hangover can mistake a baptismal font for a sitz bath.”
Horace Broon
April 16th, 2024 at 10:06 am Reply
Phantom: When I say Devil’s smarter than Stripey, I’m prepared to concede it’s close. When I say he’s smarter than Kit, it really isn’t.
Wednesday
—————
Lionheart
April 17th, 2024 at 6:07 amReply
Rhymes with Orange: Man, now I have a new reason to fear death: I really don’t want a ghostly cloaca.
mw
April 17th, 2024 at 2:45 pm Reply
Mary Worth: Just what were Zak and Iris doing in the park? Going for a walk? Or were they doing the horizontal ghost sack race over in the bushes?
Thursday
————
Dennis Jimenez
April 18th, 2024 at 5:27 am Reply
Six Chix: Thank you waiter, and I’d like the kraken appetizer before the meal…
Guillermo el chiclero
April 18th, 2024 at 12:05 pm Reply
Judge Parker: As luck would have it, porch pirates steal Helena before Pavel even gets to her.
Friday
——–
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
April 19th, 2024 at 4:50 am Reply
Pluggers: Tofu is dried bean curd!?!? That’s disgusting! All this time I’ve been eating it I thought it was just people.
Skeltometer
April 19th, 2024 at 7:09 amReply
Phantom: The dialogue in the Phantom today is exquisite. David Mamet, Edward Albee, Moliere, Shakespeare, and Sophocles have got nothing on “Glokkk…, glurk…” “Thump!”
.
.
.
Shadow COTW
——————
jroggs
April 15th, 2024 at 4:46 am Reply
Phantom: Everybody gangsta ’till the trailer park vampire shows up.
Thanks to pugfuggly, “living pâté” has now entered my vocabulary. Just my vocabulary, I’m hoping.
Congratulations to Hibbleton and the Floaters and Shadowers (thanks, Baja), and Scroters:
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Bob Tice
April 13th, 2024 at 4:29 am Reply
MW:
“He’s a living, breathing hero veterinarian…why, that Harding boy disabled a coyote by punching it in the solar plexus when it tried to attack a pet here in Santa Royale. Oh…wait a minute…that was a Hardy boy, not a Harding boy!”
jroggs
April 13th, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
MW: Just when I think Karen Moy can’t get any dumber, she writes something like this… and totally redeems herself! Wilbur embarking on a ludicrous quixotic quest to do something that makes him look heroic so he can get laid? I didn’t think I could get interested in a Wilbur plot anymore, but I was wrong! Just see this through, Karen. Do that and… [deep breath] …I will forgive the Keith Hillend plot. Not the yoga pets, though. That sin can never be wiped away.
Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!
April 13th, 2024 at 7:05 am Reply
MW: Our terrific Threesome get a well-deserved Saturday off after their show-stopping performances last week! Libby had a soft landing from her ‘nip trip, and the others are stretching their legs after being cramped in that stroller. Estelle and Ed have been put back into their suspended-animation chambers heh heh heh Just kiddin’ folks! Although Ed’s agent did make them put in that line that he was living and breathing!
TheDiva
April 13th, 2024 at 8:12 am Reply
MW: “We had a good thing going, and she throws it all away for someone who’s tall and good-looking and successful and sensitive and kind to animals and doesn’t reek of fast food grease and flop sweat. I can’t believe Stell would be so shallow!”
I speak Jive
April 13th, 2024 at 8:15 am Reply
FC – I sure hope there weren’t any major league scouts out there today. Dolly told me my name wasn’t on the pitching schedule for today, so I didn’t bother to show up.
taig
April 13th, 2024 at 5:10 am Reply
FC: “It could be worse. At least I didn’t give my bank information to my translator.”
HnL: I’m just glad no one suggested “Turning Trixies” for the team name.
ectojazzmage
April 13th, 2024 at 7:45 am Reply
Hi And Lois: With luck, Trixie’s role as mascot will climax with her taking a fastball to the skull, ending her unholy immortality.
Dennis Jimenez
April 13th, 2024 at 8:06 am Reply
H&L – We could change our name to the steaming full diapers….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BigTed
April 13th, 2024 at 4:37 am Reply
Blondie: “I’ve never been good at this financial paperwork stuff,” says a man who’s seemingly responsible for writing the contracts for an entire construction company. Jeez, Dag, you really should have been fired years ago. Whatever leverage you have on your boss, it must be dynamite. (I mean, literally — I assume Mr. Dithers blew up a building for the insurance money years ago, and you’re the only one who knows about it.)
Professor Well Actually
April 13th, 2024 at 6:02 am Reply
Luann: Guenther’s brand is sweet? Really? Being a sulky, passive aggressive momma’s boy is sweet?
Calvin’s Cardboard Box
April 13th, 2024 at 6:39 am Reply
LUANN – Yeah, Gunther as perfectly sweet made zero sense. He’s a whiny, pissy little bitch.
This whole thing is, of course, stupid. For $500, you get a two name description that they can call a “brand”? Ok. Spend $500, get a Brand, and yadda yadda “hence, their riches!”
Justice Hairhead
April 13th, 2024 at 8:06 am Reply
LUANN: Aaarrgghhh!™ Gunther — sweet???? “Perfectly”?? sweet? Gunther patrols his mother’s cunt, steadfastly refuses to fuck the girls who unaccountably want to fuck him, has violent fantasies about other men who might fuck the girls he refuses to fuck, talks nasty, personal shit about people behind their backs, particularly his girlfriends, and spends his alone time delighting in the pain and frustration suffered by others including both financial pain and sexual frustration. Look, Evansii, just have Luann open his closet and find a hockey mask, a bloody hammer, and a multiracial skinsuit and write this (non)fucker OUT of your strip!
TheDiva
April 13th, 2024 at 8:12 am Reply
C’shaft: I humbly submit the Neighborhood Hardware Store is not going out of business due to the encroachment of soulless big-box chains and the Funkyverse’s general guiding principle of Change is Always Bad and Scary, but is the inevitable result of business practices like “vibes-based inventory tracking.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Needless Exposition
April 14th, 2024 at 4:25 am Reply
MW: The most unbelievable part of this scenario isn’t the amount of coincidences set up to turn Wilbur into some sort of accidental hero (and bloat his ego more than his Subway order) but rather the fact that the Moyverse allowed a child under the age of nineteen to exist. I’m not convinced that this isn’t some pituitary deficient adult that Wilbur “saved” because there isn’t some Karen rushing out to scream at him for pushing her baby.
Pozzo
April 14th, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
Wilbur *is* a hero. But unlike Wonder Woman’s Magic Lasso, he has his Miracle Whip.
pugfuggly
April 14th, 2024 at 4:42 am Reply
MW: “Also a hero to animals” feels like the perfect exemplar of Worth-speak. Awkward, unnecessary, bordering on non-sensical, it really encapsulates the packing peanut-style dialogue that makes this strip so fascinating.
jroggs
April 14th, 2024 at 4:55 am Reply
MW: This is why I always tell children they shouldn’t play with their hollow porcelain spheres outdoors. Not because they might get run over by a car; that just builds character. But they could get trampled by a waddling loser who inflicts upon them his contagious sense that they shouldn’t be alive… but they are!
Hibbleton
April 14th, 2024 at 5:03 am Reply
MW: Wilbur absentmindedly bumps into a guy and dislodges the grape he was choking on. Keeps walking. Bends over to tie his shoes and trips armed felon running from police. Doesn’t notice. Gives comprehensive directions to a fellow looking for a hat shop on Bagel street. Uneventful.
Thus begins Moy’s updated telling of It’s a Wonderful Life.
Needless Exposition
April 14th, 2024 at 5:08 am Reply
@Hibbleton: “It’s a Wilburful Life” has the infamous quote of how every time a mayonnaise jar is empty, an angel vomits.
Charterstoned
April 14th, 2024 at 5:21 am Reply
MW: Hey, if Wilbur had been walking just a little faster, the kid would have barreled into him and WILBUR would have exploded under the wheels of the mysterious army-green van. I think the kid was given a job by the syndicate, and he just fucked up.
Voshkod
April 14th, 2024 at 6:39 am Reply
That kid’s gonna grow up to be into sploofing, isn’t he? “That coulda been me! And next time . . . it will be.”
cheech wizard
April 14th, 2024 at 7:24 am Reply
MW – “Sploof!”?? “That coulda been me!”?? Those definitely suggest an R. Crumb-type joke about Wilbur’s memories of Estelle, but I’m not gonna fill in the details.
SPLOOF
April 14th, 2024 at 11:00 am Reply
Sploof.
Peanut Gallery
April 14th, 2024 at 9:38 am Reply
MW – Today’s sound effect contains a secret palindrome message for Wilbur: “FOOL! (P.S.: Sploof.)”
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
April 14th, 2024 at 11:03 am Reply
Mary Worth: Hats off to Wilbur: it’s not every day that you find someone is a schlemiel, a schlimazel and a schmendrik all at the same time.
BigTed
April 14th, 2024 at 4:34 am Reply
Mary Worth: Ha, Wilbur just saved a kid’s life? — not heroically, by pulling him out of the path of a speeding car, but stupidly, by being a self-pitying jerkwad who doesn’t watch where he’s going and knocked the kid down on the sidewalk. I mean, we might wonder why this kid’s house is right in the middle of a bustling business district, suggesting that our Mr. Weston is about to become the victim of yet another scam. But it’s more likely that he’ll be hailed as a hero for no good reason… and we can only hope that video of what actually happened comes out just as he’s accepting a key to the city or something.
Hi and Lois: In 2013, the federal guv’mint paid too much money to have an outhouse shipped to Denali National Park instead of building one on the premises. And guess what, Hi is still mad as heck about this misuse of his personal tax dollars! Sure, his own enormous suburban home probably has a private bathroom for each family member (while his alcoholic neighbor has an equally large yard that he can whizz in after every eight beers). But if some freezing hiker in the Alaskan wilderness wants a nice place to do his No. 1, Hi will make sure that the folks on Reddit hear about it, by gum!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Baja Gaijin
April 14th, 2024 at 5:20 am Reply
Pluggers: “You’re a plugger if the books you read have lots of pictures, large print and not many pages.” So they’re finally admitting the pluggers are almost illiterate dimwits. It’s about time they come into the sunshine of truth.
Kevin on Earth
April 15th, 2024 at 4:42 am Reply
FC: Bil’s off to panhandle at the entrance to the “Food Team” in the hopes his grotesque kids will elicit more donations.
The Quiet Man
April 15th, 2024 at 5:05 am Reply
MW: “Hey Mister!”
“Yes, cute little boy who could look up to me as a role model after I just inadvertently saved you from a horrible road-sploofered death and could pull me out of my insufferable and totally unjustified funk?”
“You owe me a new ball!”
Needless Exposition
April 15th, 2024 at 6:42 am Reply
MW: I’m calling bullshit on this whole scenario. No kid that young is going to regard this situation as an eye opening experience in mortality. He would be rushing inside to his mom and screaming his head off about how some fat, bald asshole bumped into him and caused his ball to bounce into the street where it was struck by a car. The only crying here is Wilbur in his pity party.
Liam
April 15th, 2024 at 6:03 am Reply
MW-Sorry, Wilbur, but I don’t think any restaurant will name a sandwich after you.
astroboy
April 15th, 2024 at 6:28 am Reply
The Wilbur Sandwich: Drunken Noodles with Mayo, served on a shirt.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Baja Gaijin
April 16th, 2024 at 4:24 am Reply
Mary Worth: Let me guess. Today’s excitement is building up to tomorrow’s reveal of Wilbur’s ex-wife. Helen Keller saw this coming, which is surprising since she’s blind and has been dead over half a century.
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
April 16th, 2024 at 4:54 am Reply
Mary Worth: Why, it’s. . . Dawn’s mother! “New York? But I’ve been living here for, oh, at least two years now! How’s our daughter, Fawn or whatever?”
Lauralot
April 16th, 2024 at 5:02 am Reply
MW: While I am glad that we’re not dwelling on the kid Wilbur “saved” by being a thoughtless jackass, I just want to remind everyone that we could have been with Dawn, meeting a woman who willing married Wilbur and consummated that marriage at least once, before presumably coming to her senses and possibly fleeing screaming into the night. I can’t believe I’d prefer that over yet another Wilbur humiliation conga line, but there you go.
cheech wizard
April 16th, 2024 at 5:26 am Reply
MW – Does Wilbur see Iris and her husband coming towards him on the path? Or has he just spotted them fucking behind a bush?
taig
April 16th, 2024 at 4:43 am Reply
MW: At least it’s not “exes with axes day.”
Frazz: Holy shit!!! One of the adults in this strip actually told one of the children to stop being an asshole!
CS: Is this Batiuk’s backhanded attempt to “redeem” Lillian by making the readers say, “At least she’s not this asshole?”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Baja Gaijin
April 16th, 2024 at 6:11 am Reply
Family Circus: Beanie? “Beanie” is not a turtle name. Beanie’s the name of something flatulent like a French bulldog or a plugger.
Dennis Jimenez
April 16th, 2024 at 7:18 am Reply
H&L – …and I says, Rectum…fuck it killed ‘im….
MILF MavenSequiturApril 16th, 2024 at 11:48 am Reply
Marvin Spanish to English.
“Thanks for letting us stay here since we used up all our retirement money traveling around the world and getting high.”
“No problem. That’s what family is for. To help each other out. However, there is one thing you’re gonna have to stop.”
BZZZT!
“Every time you fart the lights go out.”
Thanks, Baja.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
April 17th, 2024 at 4:34 am Reply
Blondie: Hey guys, an app that can load the dishwasher is called a robot. How soon we forget the tropes of yesteryear.
MKay
April 17th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
MW: It should finally be dawning on Wilbur that he’s always tried to date WAY out of his league, and he needs to find a she-Wilbur.
Hibbleton
April 18th, 2024 at 5:40 am Reply
FC: Dolly continues; “And you hold a mirror to his nose to know he’s not dead like Grandpa.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Poteet
April 18th, 2024 at 11:10 am Reply
FBOFW: The first time I followed the story of Farley’s death, long ago, I decided the adult Patterson clan was partly to blame and then felt a little guilty for being so judgmental. Now, having become a CC regular, I know that being judgmental about imaginary comic-strip characters can be one of life’s little pleasures. And I’ve added Aypo to my list. You knew better, kid! You said so! And your dad also pointed it out! But that’s all right, we were all young once, though some of us managed to reach adulthood without being partly to blame for dog deaths. Don’t worry, you’ll find a good therapist eventually.
Her Father, John Darling
April 18th, 2024 at 6:49 am Reply
For Better or for Worse is rerunning the death of Farley and Rex Morgan, MD is hoping to get in on a little of that forty year old cutting edge action.
Old School Allie Cat
April 18th, 2024 at 8:48 am Reply
Rex Morgan – I am not a veterinarian, but I will gladly give my opinion on this. A pan of brownies for a dog this size isn’t an immediate death sentence. Especially because we know the Morgans probably aren’t going all out and buying the Ghirardelli dark-chocolate-extra-good-but-super-expensive mix.
The most likely scenario is brownies in, brown out. In fast order.
But that’s just coming from a woman who owned a dog who ate rat poison, an entire bottle of her separation anxiety medication, bath salt, a condom, half a bag of chocolate chips, part of a squeaky toy, several sandal straps, and drank a shot of whiskey. To be clear, not all at once, and not because I served them to the dog.
She lived 13 years, and what got her in the end was not related to anything she had eaten. Her kind heart just wore out. She wasn’t here for a long time, but she was here for a good time.
TLDR; this isn’t going to hurt Candy. Probably.
MKay
April 18th, 2024 at 4:30 am Reply
MW: Take heart, Wilbur! You’re making the world a better place for women to springboard to vastly superior men. You ARE a hero! You’re Captain Rebound!
pugfuggly
April 18th, 2024 at 5:14 am Reply
MW: So, I’m assuming that ‘gym’ = ‘sex’ here, right? Except that Zak has so much sexual energy that he has to occasionally find other ‘gyms’ to frequent, with Iris’ blessing. Maybe she even gets to observe these workouts, or film them for future use? Anyhow, don’t spare us (and Wilbur) any of the details!
Pozzo
April 18th, 2024 at 4:54 am Reply
MW: “Hey, I go a lot, too! Sometimes three or four times a night! Oh…you’re not talking about trips to the bathroom, are you?”
Charterstoned
April 18th, 2024 at 5:49 am Reply
MW: ‘The MISSUS’??! Not so fast. Zak and Iris might be wearing coordinating jogging outfits and impossibly tiny shoes, but Iris isn’t wearing her wedding ring….
EJ
April 18th, 2024 at 6:51 am Reply
MW: Oh no. There’s no way a “Wilbur decides to go to the gym” story arc can end well lol.
Francisco Arrowroot
April 18th, 2024 at 7:13 am Reply
Not sure whether it’s Moy & Brigman embracing animation technology or just wishful thinking on my part, but I swear Wilbur is actively losing hair in panel two.
@Uncle Lumpy: You’re welcome and I’m very sorry.
Also thank you for the rare double…! ;)
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Dr. Larry Erhardt
April 18th, 2024 at 8:03 am Reply
Shoe: Gary Brookins accidentally typed the Post-It note next to his monitor instead of a punchline.
Lord Flatulence
April 18th, 2024 at 8:16 am Reply
H&L: Mom is my cookie ho.
Voshkod
April 18th, 2024 at 9:21 am Reply
I am ashamed of all of you that it’s taken until comment 115 for someone to make a comment such as follows:
“Forgot about Gertie’s blender; it’s her vibrator you need to worry about.”
I am ashamed of myself for making that comment.
Thanks, Scratchy.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Artist formerly known as Ben
April 18th, 2024 at 9:51 am Reply
C-Shaft: The blanket party that Harry’s fellow authors throw him would be glorious to behold and it’s a shame we’ll never see it.
GT: Sub or dom, maybe you could save the kink talk for after the game?
Myrtle
April 18th, 2024 at 11:09 am Reply
JP: Shouldn’t she be rolled up in a rug? Where’s the flair?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Sicko McSickskiSequiturApril 18th, 2024 at 10:10 am Reply
The Family Circus Spanish to English.
“I saw an old picture of you in hot pants. You had a camel toe.”
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week (All Horace All the Time)
69. Horace Broon
April 13th, 2024 at 10:13 am Reply
Heath: As always, the most disturbing part of the whole thing is how blasé people have become. “Yeah, if you buy a hot dog around here, you have to expect a cat to descend on you from a great height and devour it, and maybe your hand if you don’t let go. That’s just how things are. Why do you think you’re my only customer?”
JP: Many years ago, I read an article by, I think, the late Diana Wynne-Jones about writing children’s fiction. One thing she said was that you shouldn’t just go “and then… and then… and then…” under the assumption that children want to read a story the way they’d write it; kids write that way because they’re not practiced in writing stories. I have no idea why I suddenly remembered about this when reading Judge Parker.
Pluggers: True story: For years I had a work keychain holding my computer keycard, my desk drawer key, and my locker key. But I never used my locker, because everything fitted in the desk drawer. Last year, we got new lockers and were told we had to check the old ones were all empty, so I thought it was best to be on the safe side. I couldn’t remember my locker number, so I decided I’d just wait until everyone else was done, and see if my key turned in one that was still locked (there were a few, presumably belonging to people who’d left and had forgotten about them). And that was when I discovered that my key and the locks on the lockers weren’t even from the same manufacturer. It’s still on the keychain and I have no idea what it’s actually for.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. oldgold
April 14th, 2024 at 8:00 am Reply
JP: This past week this strip has proved with Pavel and Helena re-emerging that it is like the Hotel California. “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
Brad
April 16th, 2024 at 7:13 am Reply
That’s not meditation – it’s rigor mortis!
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. TheDiva
April 17th, 2024 at 6:54 am Reply
Blondie: “There’s an app for that” debuted in 2009, which in meme years is old enough to be considered charmingly retro in certain circumstances. Not in Blondie, certainly, but in other circumstances.
GA: While legislators are trying to figure out how to monitor and regulate AI-generated information, can they also pass a law that no comic strip can use AI as a plot point unless the writers demonstrate that they know what AI is, and the circumstances under which it might be used?
Thank you, Josh, for the runner up COTW mention.
Congrats to Hibbleton for this week’s COTW! Did you write that with an app?
And thanks to
BoraxBaja andScrunchyPartsScratchy for the mentions!@Baja Gaijin: Thank you for the shadow mentions, Baja!
Congratulations on the CotW, Hibbleton!
Congrats on the SCotW, jroggs!
Thanks for the mentions, Baja and Scratchy.
Thanks for the shoutout Baja and congrats to Hibbleton and all the nominees.
Thanks, Baja and Scratchy!
Congrats to hibbleton and the floaters and thanks, Baja!
Congrats to Hibbelton, everyone on the float, and my fellow shadowfloaters and scratchies! (And goodness, thanks, Scratchy!) Broon Croons to Garrison Skunk, jroggs, Lauralot and Schroduck!
@Ukulele Ike yy167: Glasgow has submarine sandwiches? I thought that was an American thing that never crossed the briny.
Everything crosses the pond eventually. A few months ago, I went to a family thing at a church in the middle of nowhere in Perthshire. On the way back we stopped in a tiny village for lunch at a teashop my sister found online, but because we’d taken so long finding the church we hadn’t fully registered that it was past 3pm, and teashops in tiny villages were no longer serving lunch. Luckily, there was a Subway two doors down. They’re everywhere!
@Horace Broon:
Everything crosses the pond eventually.
If you ever see something called Nashville Hot Chicken, avoid it. It started as a revenge plot. Now people just need a reason to make up funny names that involve poultry and spice. So far, “Shut The Cluck Up” wins.
Happy and honored to be leading the parade of such excellent comments. Thanks, Josh, Baja, and Scratchy. Funny stuff!
@Old School Allie Cat: I wonder who had the idea of taking a succulent although guilty pleasure like fried chicken and dousing it with so much hot sauce as to make eating it so unpleasant. I love spicy food, but this stuff can be downright painful.
Good one, Hibbleton—congrats on COTW! Thanks for the mentions, Josh, Baja, and Scratchy!
@Old School Allie Cat: We’ve got a place in Northern Colorado called “Cluck You Chicken”. Home of a flavor so “nuclear” that you have to sign a medical waiver before you order it.
(In case you’re wondering, it is spicy and stomach-churn inducing, but doesn’t taste very good — only the kind of thing a drunk guy would eat to impress his frat buddies).
@Ukulele Ike:
@Old School Allie Cat: I wonder who had the idea of taking a succulent although guilty pleasure like fried chicken and dousing it with so much hot sauce as to make eating it so unpleasant. I love spicy food, but this stuff can be downright painful.
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Same one who came up with salted caramel……Templeton J. “Temp” Ferret. He created both while working the graveyard shift at the Orlando 7-11 in the fall of 2009.
@Garrison Skunk: Any relation to Templeton T. Rat from Charlotte’s Web?
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: I love spicy food but once heat is the only thing you’re getting from it I just don’t see the point.
Gil @Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
That’s not meditation – it’s rigor mortis!
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“You got meditation in my rigor mortis!” “You got rigor mortis in my meditation!” “Hey they’re two great conditions that go great together!”
REECE’S™ RIGOR MORTIS CUPS
Gil Twerp: “Need a sub, Wolfe?” “No, I got this, I’m using a bat! When I use a sub, the oil and vinegar SPLOOSHS everywhere and Willburp Weston shows up.”
@Voshkod: Endorphins, baby! Get high for free!
The vindaloo curries at the Indian joints around here make your eyes water so much you dine by feel.
@Ukulele Ike:
@Garrison Skunk: Any relation to Templeton T. Rat from Charlotte’s Web?
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Temp Ferret is a third cousin once removed from the ferret side of the family and sounds like Charles Nelson Reilly. Really!
Thanks, Baja and Scratchy!
Congratulations to Hibbleton and the other greats on the float, as well as the alter-vehicles, with thanks to Baja GAijin and Scratchy Scrotum LXIX. Tips of the beret to Garrison Skunk, seismic-2, and Voshkod.
@Ukulele Ike: There are far better ways to get endorphins that feel bettter.
Thanks for the mention, Baja, Turducken on the house!
@Voshkod:
@Ukulele Ike: There are far better ways to get endorphins that feel bettter.
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NEW MILLER LITE™ ENDORPHINS: Everything you want in an endorphin. And less. Just ask Rodney Dangerfield!
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol:
“Cluck You Chicken”
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I wonder if they have the same deal that “Cluck U.” has here in NJ, if the order taker says the f-word accidently, the chicken is free.
Thank you, Scratchy! Thank you, Baja!
/checks sundial/
Oh dear…