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Admittedly, if I looked Mary Worth in the face, I’d also be in state of panic, or maybe would just turn to stone

Gil Thorp, 7/27/11

Hey, everyone, in case you were wondering, Gil Thorp hasn’t been cancelled or anything. Due to my extreme displeasure at the second summer in a row featuring a shenanigan-free golf plot, I refuse to do even a cursory job summarizing the storyline for you, but I do want to point out with icy disdain the “FOOZLE!” in panel two. Can you imagine any circumstance under which hitting a golf ball would result in a noise that sounds even remotely like “FOOZLE”? No, of course you can’t, other than maybe Dr. Scavuzzo has a special wacky trick club that emits hilarious vaudeville noises. Gil Thorp, we want our insane summer plot! We will not be bought off by supposedly zany sound effects.

Mary Worth, 7/27/11

Potential reasons why our waitress is flabbergasted at Mary’s very mild health-based oversharing:

  • “Oh, no, we don’t have anything even remotely healthy on our menu! Even the salad is garnished with fried onion rings and lard-flavored dressing! Literally anything I serve to this woman will kill her right here in the booth!
  • “Wait, I wasn’t listening to anything she said until the very end. ‘Dodged a bullet?’ Is this seemingly feeble old woman a ninja with superhuman powers?”
  • “Hey, it’s that jerk Mary Worth, who meddled in my affairs a few years back and ruined my life!”

Archie, 7/27/11

Of course we all know that Jughead loves a good hot dog, but now we’re discovering just how much: take one from him and in his rage he’ll commit genocide.

223 responses to “Admittedly, if I looked Mary Worth in the face, I’d also be in state of panic, or maybe would just turn to stone”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    Love and Death:

    Beetle Bailey — Sarge Snorkel sets up a ménage à trois with Beetle, Miss Buxley and himself!

    Argyle Sweater — Noooooo… I’m really Biben-bummed out by the evisceration of the Michelin Man!

  2. wossname
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    MW – Gina’s expression of line-emitting horror couldn’t just be a reaction to what Mary said. It must be that she sees the spurned Dr. Jeff, crazed by Mary’s rejection, wildeyes with grief, approaching with an axe.

    DtM – Dennis, the way Mom is looking at you, I don’t think you’re going to live to grow up.

    ReFOOB – Everything about this storyline is icky, but really – if there are two parents, and two kids, one of each sex, and only two beds, wouldn’t you put the girl with Mom and the boy with Dad?

    Jumble – too too easy, Fejf! But nice mention of a ‘mudgeon in clue No. 1.

    SF – You know what would be more friendly, Fay? Leaving Hil alone with her sorta almost boyfriend.

    DT – It’s painfully obvious, but this has got to be a trap. BB Eyes would not just throw down his gun and give up so easily – would he?

    And speaking of BB Eyes, @Artist formerly known as Ben (#Y212), @Écureuil Écumant (#Y213), and @Sequitur (#Y214): I’d been thinking he looks a lot like Zbigniew Brzezinski.

  3. Kristian
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Also wear and tear, fuel, tire reinflation, tire replacement, engine tune-up, fan belt, seat deep dry cleaning, removal of whatever the heck that is on the steering wheel, complete vehicle sterilization and decontamination, … wait what? Pluggers are golfing now?

    Archie: Yeah, I hear the Dodos were totally big on hot dogs. Also the whales. And the tasmanian devil – actually that one I could believe, except the bread is gone too.

    FC: Heh, batteries. “Shaped like a vibrator” jokes anyone?

    Hi and Lois: At first I didn’t see the box of crayons and thought Trixie had finally been revealed as a Dr Neutron character, or perhaps an envoy of Galactus – creating her own star. But even if that isn’t the case, there are still questions. The drawing of a sun seems to create either heat and light or an illusion of same. What’s in the crayons: fissile materials or drugs?

    Beetle Bailey: “It’s your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin’ knees.”

    Hägar: Ah, the mighty warrior drowning his troubles in weak ale. That’s what happens when you marry into a moose family.

    Momma: So she’s leaving voluntarily? Well done! But the real question is, what’s the meaning of the secret code that uses Momma’s variously angled hat? Is it in shorthand? Braille? I Ching?

    Crankshaft: “Not the crane shot! Not the crane shot!”

    Phantom: Today’s guest writer: Whoever writes any strip with quipping teenagers.

    Lockhorns: “Also, you’ve grown 50% overnight. Please don’t eat me.”

    Marvin: “By ‘flea bath’ I mean the chemicals in your stool should soon dissolve and kill anything.”

    Dennis the Menace: Dependent on your parents even as an adult. Not menacing. Forcing the elderly to do unpaid labor. Slightly menacing.

    Shoe: I thought California – the world’s sixth largest economy – was considered a ‘blue’ state? Wouldn’t that cause issues with the … Never mind, stereotyped ‘Southern’ senator, nothing to see here.

    BC: Today’s guest writer: Whoever writes the Lockhorns.

    Marmaduke: Coloring mishap. Should have been a delicious crimson, not blue.

    Garfield: Jon demonstrates platonic masturbation. Additionally, if one of you needs to ask the other if they would like to hold hands, you should probably have a chaperone.

    One Big Happy: “Dear Wolf. I am Dr El Coyote, the former Finance Minister of a large American state.”

    Zits: What the Hell, WI?

    Snuffy: And Pride is the worst sin of all. Into the pot with him.

    Ziggy: Today’s Ziggy can be drawn as a single line, including the frame.

  4. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MW: Mary’s so proud to have “DODGED A BULLET!”, I only wish Dr. Jeff were still within earshot.

  5. Liam
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MW-If the waitress is smart then she won’t ask any follow up questions. That is how Mary lure’s unsuspecting people into her trap. She dangles a seemingly innocent innocuous statement out there to lure people in and then when they take the bait she looks for some weakness of theirs that she can strike at. For this waitress Mary will use her recent check up to meddle with the health of the waitress.

  6. Old School Allie Cat
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    MW – Gina is anxious, because this is the same diner where the filmed the last scene of the last episode of The Sopranos. She’s been waiting several years for the other shoe to drop.

    alternate take:

    MW – And to drink? Would you care for a tall glass of shutthefuckup?

  7. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Since the dog’s name is “Hot Dog”, are we to understand that he’s a cannibal? I’m impressed — because even Marmaduke doesn’t eat his own kind!

  8. Anonymous
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    MW – Mary, referring to her recent “appointment” with Dr. Jeff and the “dodged bullet” of a (remaining) lifetime of marital “bliss” with same, opts for the healthy salad to start, “…with dressing on the side; the surf and turf special of the day (medium rare on the steak, please); a side of potatoes (but I can’t decide between mashed potatoes with plenty of butter and sour cream or the french fries–why don’t you bring me both?); and when I’m done, I’ll have some coffee with cream (not half-and-half, though–if you don’t have real cream, put some of the whipped cream in there instead), and that yummy-looking hot fudge double sundae. But before the salad, bring me a stiff drink. Remember, I just dodged a bullet!

  9. Mordock999
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Todays’ Archie – 07-27-11

    Uh, Jughead? After that “CHOMP” you might want to count your fingers, dude.

    Todays’ Luann 07-27-11

    Hey, Quill? CHECK out these past Luann strips featuring a guy named “Aaron Hill”. See, she pulled the SAME bullshit with HIM.
    Now Tiffany on the other hand…..,

    _____________________________
    DEATH to TJ!!!

  10. jayjaybear
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    MT – I don’t know if “old goose” is a very polite way of referring to Doc, Mark.

  11. gleeb
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    Dick: That last exchange happened in so small a time, BB’s cigar has yet to fall to the ground.

    FC: Or maybe because it’s daytime? Although the idea of abandoning Dolly and especially Jeffy by an old lighthouse at night has a strange appeal.

    ‘bean: Finally! Evidence of electric meters in Ohio. Otherwise, this is just the usual Batiuk padding.

    Gil: FOOZLE! It’s no QLUNQ, but I like it.

    H&J: The Rev. doesn’t believe in the stability of marriage among deaf people.

    Mark: “Lucky” the goose?

    Phantom: Shouldn’t this story have been over by now? I haven’t seen anyone skull-marked in ages, and I’m getting withdrawal symptoms.

    Popeye: The crime is always assault for some reason.

    Rex: “So, who should I put as emergency contact in your personnel file, then?”

  12. charterstoned
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Oops, looks like I went in as Anonymous at #8. Close quote, please.

  13. S. Stout
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    MW: – Dodged a bullet? That’s what my estranged grandmother used to say! Do you meddle like she used to?

    GT: Untrained or not, nobody would ever line to up a golf ball without facing it. Maybe that’s how you get a sound like FOOZLE!

  14. Sgt Saunders
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    “Foozle” is the sound of gas rapidly, yet delicately escaping from the Molly Kinsella anus. No kidding. Just ask Chud Hronk.

  15. Kristian
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    @Josh: so Archie is a NetHack reference then? Didn’t know there was a Scroll of Genocide (dog).

  16. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#2): You’re right — BB Eyes does look a lot like Zbigniew Brzezinski. Wonder if BB has an attractive daughter (“EZ Eyes”), who looks like Mika Brzezinski from Morning Joe?

  17. nescio
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    MW: I think the waitress just realized in the last panel that that meddlesome biddy will be coming in the diner for many years to come.

  18. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    IP: *insert Dino’s barking SFx here*

    R&R: that makes you a Basenji, Rover.

    rMC: the first appearance of Creepy Janitor Dude!!!

    Bizarro: on endless loop.

    F-: or the laser scope of the sniper. *headshot*

    GT: *FOOZLE* is funny, even if it isn’t really accurate as a SFx. (oops, sorry for oversnarking Josh!)

    GF: this is a repeat, isn’t it. sheesh.

    JUMBLE: “with good taste” doesn’t fit.

    LaCuc: working backwards from the punchline, but I still laughed.

    SFx: Impeached!

    SB: HAR!!!

    Zits: ok, that’s cute.

  19. MWDG
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    This waitress chick knows Mary from an scandal that happened at Riverdale high (of Archie/Betty/Veronica fame) back in the Seventies. Apparently a substitute teacher (Mary) had inappropriate relations with an underage student (Jughead.) I hope that justice is served and that Mary is incarerated and perhaps “attacked” in prision.

  20. Pip
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Doonesbury: Okay, this guy’s fantasies make him seem a tad bit egotistical.

    GARFIELD: Following his brush with suicide yesterday…

    http://www.gocomics.com/garfield/2011/07/26

    Liz came over to comfort Jon. As if signaling to her that he know longer knows if he can depend upon her love, Jon answers “do you want to hold hands” by holding his own hands.

    “Am I the only one who loves me, Liz.”

    “Not quite.” Liz implies through her answer.

    “I love you Jon, and so does Garfield…and that’s about it.” she will soon go on to say in an absent-minded way. This will no doubt send Jon to the roof once again, and Garfield still won’t care. Garfield is kinda sad, man. Josh, how do you deal with such things every day?

  21. Mibbitmaker
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    @Kristian (#3): re: Crankshaft: Really? Johnny LaRue would kill for a crane shot!

    “Dodged a bullet”? Dr. Jeff, she’s really a keeper! (choking on the sarcasm)

    9CL: That ain’t holy water!

    GA: He’s really chinny, too!

    GT: Yeah, strip… “FOOZLE”? Really?!!

    H&J: “The name was… Lock-something…”

    MT: Oh, great, just what we need to see — goose vomit.

    MG&G: Peters — Pastis, you’re not!

    MW: Three’s Company, too…

    Phantom: Screw my parents!”

    RMMD: Of course! Even a sadly dead character in this strip (and JP) can’t be a mere commoner!

  22. Buck Ripsnort
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    Gil: I’m on tenterhooks here– did she win the damn $20 or not?

    MW Waitress sense– tingling! Cheap tipper alert!

  23. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    I just wanted to point out that gothgirl Kelly in RMMD is only a year or so older than Faye in SF.

    I’ll just let that image fester. . . . .

  24. Chyron HR
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    DT – “I also had Honey slip some cocaine under the seat while she was hiding in your truck. Gotcha, sucker!”

    GT – Molly’s dreams are interrupted by an evil doctor and his pig-men laughing at her? Gil Thorp turned into Twin Peaks so gradually I didn’t even notice.

  25. Geroge B of Redford
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth— Seriously Mary how cold can Mary be. If I found out my woman was speaking about me like that I would arrange a hunting “accident.”

  26. mightymaxking
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    MW – There’s a fourth option; Mary, in an unguarded moment, has used The Voice. The waitress, in frozen horror, finds herself unable to resist The Weirding Way. “May I take your order,” she hears herself rasp, in a strange guttural tone of voice. . .

  27. Squeak
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    She feels like she dodged a bullet?!!!? Is the old bat hinting that she knows I tried to poison her the last time she was here? She’s on to me!

  28. Dood
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Gina, the waitress, hasn’t heard a word of Mary’s geriatric mumblings. She’s just realized she’s not wearing any flair.

  29. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    FW – Wally looks happy. Peaceful everyday domestic sce….OH NO SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE!!!!! PLEASE BE LES PLEASE BE LES…..

    He’s going to kill the dog off, isn’t he?

  30. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    GT: Ms. Kinsella’s problem appears to originate with her choice of club. The Trowel is appropriate only for chipping out of deep mulch.

    She might win the bet if “100 yards straight up and 100 yards straight down” counts as a 200-yard shot.

  31. Cygnus
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    GT: You know, if the writer’s only experience with golf is from Wii Sports, one could make a good case that the sound made by the Wiimote when you screw up your golf swing sounds a lot like “FOOZLE!”

  32. LoFoMoFo
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    MW: In tomorrows panel 1, Mary will describe her stool sample.

  33. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#29): Yeah, he’s gonna have a hard time choosing between the Marie Callender’s Beef Pot Pie and the Swanson Hungry Man Beer Battered Chicken and then get stuck in the slowest line. Meanwhile the heat index in the car is “Medium Well”.

  34. Dennis Jimenez
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    GT – OK, I’m inclined to riff on “mighty if untrained whack” but since I don’t follow the strip, I’ll just say, SUE-WWEEEE!!!!

    MW – Dodged a bullet – Gina is pretty shook up – this woman just got back from Norway – and we’re already out of the herring special today….

    Archie – Well, Jug – first you train um, er, Hot Dog – to slurp down the, um, er – hot dog – then when he does it, you bitch about it. Did I mention, out there on the beach this summer, he’s sure to be an, um, er – hot dog….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  35. nescio
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    @Kristian (#15): The genocide will never happen. Jughead probably doesn’t have the literacy to read a scroll, and he drinks Potions of Sleep all day.

  36. Pozzo
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    Don’t look now, Mary, but the upper-righthand side of the menu says “Tod,” the German word for “Death.” He’s coming for you, no matter what you do. Might just as well order the Chili Cheese Fries topped with ranch dressing and Skittles.

  37. Dood
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Welcome to the new Mark Trail spinoff, That Old Goose.

  38. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Crank: If I was living in the Funkyverse, I wouldn’t have anything kind to say about anyone or anything either!

    FW: If there is to be no dialogue, at least we get a smirk!

    Garfield: Jon needs to be kicked in the balls. I mean, really……aren’t we past this? They were making out at Christmastime, fer fuck sakes.

    Luann: “Tee hee hee!”…………..piss off, Evans.

    MT: ………aaand the dock remains a shambles as our hero Mark goes off to investigate “The Great Flightless Goose Caper”…….

    MW: Yep. Table for One. Forever.

    RMMD: “I’m so glad it’s my first day here on the job with total strangers. Did I tell you about my divorce and personal life?”

    Archie: Uh-oh. Talk about providing a reason for some folks to throw a fit!

  39. Dood
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: Molly would have hit that shot over 200 yards if she’d been wearing her cardboard bikini.

  40. Mark B
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    MW: Would you like to see a video of my colonoscopy? I have it right here on my phone.

    [The big surprise of that exchange being that Mary has a smartphone--but she got it for QMRI: the Quick Meddle Response Initiative.]

  41. Mark B
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: The old guys punked her by switching her golf ball for a foozle ball before her shot.

  42. Frank Lee Meidere
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    MT: “Okay, Rusty, I know you want to go fishing, but it’s important to set your priorities. We have to first concentrate on fixing this dock and then … Oh, look! A goose!”

  43. Droopy Says
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#29): Kill the dog? I’m sure Batiuk is agonizing over the decision. Should it be a fast death, say from a hit-and-run accident, or a slow, agonizing, cancerous death? How about a heroic death, like saving a child from a fire, so Batiuk can say “Silence, naysayers, don’t you dare criticize the animal’s brave self-sacrifice!” Which death would cause the most anguish? The only thing that would stop Batiuk from killing the dog would be the thought that death is a merciful escape from life in Lesville.

    Incidentally, are there any children in the Funkyverse? Because the youngest people I’ve seen here are high-school kids. It’s as though you can’t exist in Westview unless your mind has developed enough to fully recognize the misery of your existence.

  44. Mark B
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    We’ve secretly replaced Molly’s golf ball with a Foozle(TM) ball. Let’s see if anyone notices.

  45. Frank Lee Meidere
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    9CL: I honestly don’t understand the look of surprise on Diane’s face. Is it because she just realised that she doesn’t know what it feels like when your water breaks? I mean — it’s water! It pours down your legs! Is there any possibility it could be mistaken for something else?

    Or is it that her water has just broken? In which case it’s the tidiest case of water breaking I’ve seen.

    In either case, I’m just glad the characters tend to call each other by name all the time so I know who’s who.

  46. Greg
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    MW: The waitress is flummoxed because Mary’s eyes are melting and running together like eggs on a hot stove. Her face, see, being the hot stove because of her inner fury and rage, and eyes like eggs because… because of her inner fury and rage.

  47. Edgy DC
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Jughead should be less concerned with Hot Dog eating his hot dog and more concerned with the creepy movements of his sentient sunglasses.

  48. Esther Blodgett
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    GT: As far as I’m concerned, they could just make FOOZLE! the default contents of every word balloon in this strip, and I’d be happy. Oh, and slap some FOOZLE! on Mom’s vodka bottle, too.

    MW: That’s just the waitress’ meddle-sense tingling. She’s in for a lecture on the evils of whatever the bullet Mary just dodged is. I’m guessing hoping for explosive flatulence caused by lack of roughage in the diet.

    MT: That old goose must have been choking on the Elrod ball. She seems to be OK now that she’s expelled it.

  49. Frank Lee Meidere
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    FW: I hadn’t thought about Batiuk killing off the dog, but now that several posters have brought it up, it seems inevitable. I doubt the dog will actually die, however. Instead the car will be T-boned, the dog seriously injured, and then we’ll have several weeks of Mr. Barely-Functional guy sitting by the dog’s bed with a worried look on his face, hoping that if the dog dies he’ll be able to parley it into a best-selling book.

    Crank: So, this guy resents having to buy his mother a birthday card, fails to clear the driveway of ice in the winter, orders her to stay in the house, and wonders why she’s got a lousy disposition?

  50. TheDiva
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    GT: Language, Molly! A bad golf shot is no excuse to start cursing in Fraggle.

    MW: Oh no, Mary has a personal crisis! Who meddles the meddler?

    9CL: Diane’s shocked expression didn’t come from her water breaking, but the realization that she just set up one of the oldest cliches in the labor and delivery trope book.

    C’shaft: Don’t need to do a DNA test there, as my dad always says.

    FW: No puns, no angst, only one small smirk, and best of all no Les. Best Funky Winkerbean ever!

    Luann: Get a room, you too! You don’t even have to have sex in it–you can trade coy banter until you pass out if you like just so long as I don’t have to watch it….

    MT: I love the goose’s horrified expression. “Oh no, Mark Trail is after me! Gotta hide, gotta hide…”

    SM: Yes, MJ, women have many, many different occupations in today’s workforce. They’re also allowed to vote now, in case you haven’t heard.

  51. gleeb
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#29): Relax, everybody. This is one of Batiuk’s patented draaawn-out weeks. Wally is just bringing Buddy to the local VA hospital, so he can share the dog’s magical instant healing. It’ll take a few days to get done, but let’s hope he can end it by Saturday.

    I seem to remember that fat failure Funky visiting his old man in the home in which he imprisoned him took up a draaawn-out week. I guess Batiuk associates medical facilities with long, dull periods.

  52. Little Guy
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    GT: Now, now, Molly. One of the realities of life is that women are not considered athletes unless they are on the beach in thong swimsuits slamming a volleyball.

  53. Little Guy
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#29): Does that make his kid Aypo?

  54. word-doctor
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    SF-Tweener Hillary has managed to get on her first date in maybe three weeks of real-world time, while the fully puped Luann continues to have emotional blueballs that started during Reagan’s second term.

    MT-Cherry: “Don’t believe it, Rusty. I’ve been bringing it to Mark for 40 years and remain unnailed.”

    Heathcliff-A hot web-app being discussed with a kid wearing a propeller-beanie?

    Crock-”Andre fit the battle of Jericho” just doesn’t work.

  55. Gene S.
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    FW – Three panels with no communication? Something wonderfully terrible is about to happen. Drunk driver hit and run? Too easy. Dog lost at the park? What’s the point? I offer a third conclusion if I may quote Episode I:The Phantom Menace….
    A communications disruption could mean only one thing……invasion.
    WOLVERINES!!!!!

  56. seismic-2
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    I haven’t been following Spiderman closely lately, so maybe this has all been explained, but I’d really like to know – the obituary writer Serra took the photo of Jameson and Spidey that we see on the front page of today’s Bugle, but who took the front-page photo of The Big Boss? Was it a surveillance camera in the newsroom? If so, did it show The Big Boss walking in, telling everyone the had the night off, and then watching everyone leave? Did Jameson fire everyone after that? This storyline makes about as much sense as the kick-the-Sheriff-in-the-crotch-and-get-away-with-it storyline in MT.

    I also don’t understand why, if Mary said she got good reports from the doctor, she feels she dodged a bullet. Did the doctor tell her, “Your lab tests are all perfectly fine, but if instead of being fine they had all been really bad, then you would be in trouble!” That’s the premise of about half the strips in Momma, so I fear a biddy-off at the diner is brewing. The waitress has the right to be terrified.

  57. Spunde
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    I saw “Funky Winkerbean” and was reminded how much I hate this sort of wordless padding. Then I saw “Luann” and was reminded that there is both fire and ice in Dante’s imagining of hell.

  58. Not Just Any Dipstick
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    MW: ‘Dodged a bullet’? Well look behind you at the guy wearing a baclava and holding an AK-47. I wonder what he will want for lunch. I’m guessing quiche.

    MT: That goose is upset that a body has floated up next to its nest. Mark should know that pounding on a pier will cause bodies to float up all over the lake.

  59. Mibbitmaker
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    GT: Foozle… is a peanut…? Nah, that’s not right…..

    GT: It’s shocking, this strip’s reFOOZLE to use an appropriate sound effect!

  60. Oavis
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @mightymaxking (#26): “Many waitresses have tried to fill my order.”

    “They tried and failed?”

    “They tried and died.”

  61. gleeb
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    @Spunde (#57): COTW!

    Also, what with all the talk of water breaking, I went and looked at 9 Chickweed lane. It’s cockroach time!

  62. Not Just Any Dipstick
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    GT: Molly, you really should recognize a left-handed club. Just trying to hit the ball right-handed will rightfully cause hilarity to ensue. Of course, standing facing the direction to hit it with the tee to your right side makes it difficult too. Sorry, not only are not an athlete, you are also incredibly stupid.

  63. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Basement Cat doesn’t appreciate the slowsquee.

    an Archie strip that probably won’t get repeated in the newspaper. (implied naughty.)

    C&H FTW.

    sassy otter is all like ‘did I just say that?’

    The Daily Puppy is an odd-colored Lab.

    flooftacular corgsqui.

  64. McManx
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp — Molly, when Dr. Scavuzzo asked you to drive his ball 200 hundred yards, he had something else in mind. That is why you didn’t receive the $20.

    Mary Worth — From her expression, I think the waitress realizes too late that she has entered “The Meddlin’ Zone”.

    Beetle Bailey — I don’t know what is sadder: Beetle letting his girlfriend fuck Sarge for a one-day pass, or that Sarge is still going to kick his ass afterward.

    Mark Trail — Variation on a theme… “Mark, what do you want for dinner?” “That old goose!”

    Slylock — Finally Weber screwed up! His octopus is actually a septopus. (Cool skull, though).

  65. Not Just Any Dipstick
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#63): Well Queek, I was sure our two 13 yr old shelties were our last pups, but now there may have to be a corgi or two in our future. Thanks a lot?

  66. Little Guy
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    FW: Worst. Henry. Ever.

  67. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Gene S. (#55):

    Phantom Menace? So, this whole scene with Wally comes down to a dispute over trade policy?

    I’m sympathetic to the “it’s just padding” interpretation for today’s strip. Except, don’t Tom’s filler strips usually emphasize how bored/impatient/miserable the characters who are waiting around are feeling? Wally is actually smiling and seems content. That is like a movie character announcing that the plan is going smoothly, all loose ends are wrapped up, they don’t anticipate any problems from here on …. what was that explosion?

    My guess: A killer shark will jump out of the fountain and chomp down on Wally. Dog will run down the road and leap over the shark in an attempt to save its master. Wally will knock the killer shark, and its issues and pretensions, right out of the ballpark – but it will be too late to save the dog.

  68. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    MT: “That old” goose joins the multitude consigned by Mark to the Specifically Aged Animals’ Home. I suspect it’s having trouble getting airborne because it’s too over gross, having stuffed itself full of diamond-smuggling shad.

  69. tb4000
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    I know my Dr. Seuss, and Gil Thorp writers and artists, you are no Dr. Seuss.

  70. Droopy Says
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#56): Yes, a surveillance camera took the photo of the Big Boss. And Parker is upset over that, because he’s been outperformed by a machine. No, the strip hasn’t explained how the entire Bugle staff went missing, much less shown them suddenly reappear in time to get the next edition ready. And I don’t know why it would be front-page news that the paper’s editor is reaching for a man who wears pajamas, or why the heretofore unknown Big Boss is newsworthy. He has no record as a crime lord and for all Jameson knows he’s a practical joke. I’m guessing this happens in a dimension where everyone uses their skull to catch bricks.

  71. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#53):

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#29): Does that make his kid Aypo?

    AYPO — the American Youth Philharmonic Orchestras:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AYPO

  72. Droopy Says
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    Marmaduke: I am covered in confusion. Marmaduke’s doghouse has indoor plumbing? Whatever. It figures that Mr. and Mrs. Hitler would spoil the Hellhound. Probably they invested a fortune in special fittings to allow the dog to control the taps. So why skimp now by not hiring a plumber? And since when did Marmaduke develop the ability to cross open, running water? Tradition says that most hellspawned beasts are blocked by a flow of pure water.

  73. teenchy
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Luann: Not this crap again. Is this the strip’s theme song?

  74. Tom the Sailor Man
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    MT – “I’ll bring ‘em and you nail ‘em”

    Rusty’s horrifying use of contractions and awkward double entendre cause Mark to rapidly change the subject – “Hey look! Halley’s Comet, er, I mean, a goose!”

    This also caused me to ponder where else the line “I’ll bring ‘em and you nail ‘em” would fit:

    Luann: Brad to TJ
    BB: Beetle to Sarge
    Phantom: Phantom to Savarna
    Judge Parker: Any two random characters to each other
    RMMD: Summer to June
    FW: Les to himself

  75. commodorejohn
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    A3G – “In the meantime, I need to keep the space exciting. Hear me out on this: ‘blood sport.’”

    A&J – YOU HEAR THIS, ELLY PATTERSON? YOU HEAR THIS, CONNIE DUNCAN? SONJA HOBBES? YOU WORTHLESS COWS ALL JUST GOT YOUR ASSES SCHOOLED BY JANIS. SHRIVEL UP AND DIE!

    Crankshaft – Ha ha! It’s funny because his mother is a hateful old witch with no redeeming qualities who has made his life a living hell for decades! (Coming up next week: “Ha ha! It’s funny because her son is a passive-aggressive twit who hates her but doesn’t have the guts to say it to her face, and settles for being the most condescending man in the world!”)

    Curtis – God dammit. If there’s one thing that never, ever, ever, ever, ever improves a storyline, it’s Gunk.

    DT – Arresting the guy because he wasn’t supposed to have passengers in the truck you were a passenger in? I see everybody’s beat me to the “planting evidence” bit, but still: wow.

    FC – Actually, it’s not lit because they’re hoping you’ll dash yourselves to pieces on the rocks.

    GT – Dream-world pig-men? What is the, The Course on the Borderland?

    JP – “Sam knows everything there is to know about money and power inexplicably throwing themselves at you!”

    Luann – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    (Still, Cowboys & Aliens looks like it’s going to be worth seeing even if these assholes are seeing it.)

    Mandrake – That Mandrake! He seems all serious, but he’s really quite the funster!

    MT – “Say RUSTY! How DO you feel about goose FOR dinner tonight?”

    MW – Actually, I think the waitress is shocked because Mary Worth has displayed recognizable signs of emotional vulnerability. It’s like if you met Cthulhu in a bar and he started bitching about his marriage.

    PBS – I love this strip so much.

    SM – OH MY GOD DO YOU EVER STOP WHINING

    Ziggy – …do I want to know the logic behind this? No, no I do not.

  76. Tom the Sailor Man
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    GT – Perhaps “foozle” is some obscure golf curse that Molly is yelling after failing to hit a good right-handed drive with a left-handed club.

    I imagine her walking away muttering “Foozle those foozling pigs! They can keep their foozling $20!”

  77. Gene S.
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#67) – It’s definitely over trade policy. Wally traded his soul for that dog…now it’s time to face Hell’s minions to see once and for all which can cause more misery….Satan’s despair or the Funkyverse.

  78. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#75): “If there’s one thing that never, ever, ever, ever, ever improves a storyline, it’s Gunk.”

    Interesting that Gunk should show up so soon after B-B Eyes. What I think we have here is a mother-daughter act, only with balls. Eyeballs, that is.

  79. Esther Blodgett
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#67): Can you work in Les being eaten by the shark? Then your storyline would be perfect.

  80. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#79):

    We can try, but it seems that sharks aren’t quite what they used to be…

  81. Esther Blodgett
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#80): I’d settle for Les being pummeled by a dewgong if that’s what it takes…

  82. Poewar
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    “Are you asking for a hand job Quill?”

    “No, I’m saying as long as my pants are unzipped…”

    “I might as well move my hand back and forth across your penis.”

    “But it’s not a hand job.”

    “”Who said anything about a hand job?”

  83. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    GT: One of Dr. Scavuzzo’s buddies is Ming the Merciless, and the casual look isn’t really working for him.

    MW: Mary missed the sign reading “Our waitstaff do not understand metaphors. Please avoid using them.”

    MT: In the first panel we see a couple of insensate, square-cut pieces of wood. And of course they’re carrying boards.

    Lockhorns: I’ll be very surprised if nondescript housedresses turned out to be either a fad or a trend.

    H&L: No no no, Trixie. The sun isn’t round, it’s the shape of a 90% deflated beachball. You need to learn this now if you’re going to be the artist on Crock when you grow up.

    BB: The “on your knees” part is implied, of course.

    Luann: Quill: Who said anything about getting to second base? The theatre cranked the AC, and I have to keep my hands warm some way!
    Luann: All right, then.

    Popeye: Minority Report 2: Bigger, Longer, and More Spinachy

    S-M: Nobody try to drive after imbibing that much whine.

    FC: “Hey, it’s getting dark out. Have you seen Mom and Dad lately? No, you’re right, I’m sure they’re just picking something up back at the car.”

    DtM: “Bring” would imply that you’re out of the house, Dennis.

  84. UncleJeff
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Saw a group of Pluggers at the golf course the other day.
    Four guys. Four golf carts. Not enough room to fit two guys to one cart.
    But the nice thing about following fat guys on the golf course is that you can usually find a few extra tees they leave behind because they don’t want to (or can’t) bend over to pick them up after they drive.
    Which usually sounds like this: WHIFFF foozzle “SHIT. Give me another ball.”

  85. Walker of Dog
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#5): Now I’m picturing Mary as one of those deep-sea anglerfish, with a luminescent meddle-lure on her head. It’s an improvement.

    @Mibbitmaker (#21): Goose vomit? Geez, even Rusty has feelings. (Right?)

    @Dood (#28): Ha! Best one so far.

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#49): It’s the other way around. On his deathbed, Wally will be surprised when Buddy shows him his notes for his upcoming book, Wally’s Story.

  86. Hank
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Metacomment: For anyone who’s interested, former Judge Parker artist Eduardo Barreto has drawn a Superman annual, scheduled for release today.

  87. Baka Gaijin
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Gina there is nimbusing in shock like a motherfuck. She just caught a gander of that .44 slug lodged in Mary’s heavily Aquanetted hair helmet.

    Mark Trail: Oh God. Oh God. I hope it happens. Old Goose, not understanding the hostility not shown her, pecks Mark right in the pecker.

  88. Baka Gaijin
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    Marvin: You can delude yourself kiddo but Mommy didn’t put the flea dip in the baby pool by accident.

    Archie: Juggy, be glad it was your hot dog in the bun instead of your weiner.

  89. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    @Hank (#86): Good to see “the reports of his [threatened] death were greatly exaggerated.”

    However, I’m disappointed by the preview pages and dearly hope that Barreto hasn’t decided to limit himself to Spartans for the sake of his BP.

  90. Hank
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#89): I wonder if it isn’t a case of a substandard inker. It might also be his first work since recovering and, therefore, a bit shaky. Either way, good to know he’s on the mend.

  91. Red Greenback
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    I think Gina’s irradiated visage of astonishment and incredulity is a result of her gazing upon the crossed band aids on the top of Mary’s scalp. Gina knows what a bullet wound looks like from reading Mark Trail.

  92. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#88):

    When it comes to wieners, nothing beats a Les Moore Hot Dog:

    http://www.mooreshotdogs.com/images/logo.png

  93. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @Hank (#90):

    Oops, better clarify. I have no problems with the art. Nice bold style. Only regret is that the pages I’ve seen so far show a paucity of his signature inflated airbags. And even in the 70s, Superman was a pretty lustless strip. OK, I know better than to judge a (comic) book by its cover. Just hope this isn’t a case of sic semper titanics.

  94. commodorejohn
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#92): Cayla says they’re nothing to write home about, I hear…

  95. Walker of Dog
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#48): Mom drinks Foozle Light with Lime.

    @commodorejohn (#75): Make sure you don’t see the movie when Luann and Quill do. They will ruin it with all their not-making-out talk.

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#45): I think Diane’s surprised because the Mother Superior didn’t call her by her religious name. It’s funnier if you imagine the MS is portrayed by Rhea Perlman as Carla Tortelli.

  96. Alan's Addiction
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    So, this latest “Gil Thorp” story line is going to be about overweight, middle-aged men pranking and making fun of teenagers? Jesus, that’s depressingly stupid. However, I must point out that Molly’s obviously not the brightest crayon in the box. I know this because, if people are laughing at you while you have a driver in your hands and you can’t figure out a way of stopping their laughter, then you have a serious problem.
    I think that the waitress in today’s “Mary Worth” isn’t surprised at Mary’s sharing of unnecessary (and vague) medical information, it’s that she actually eats food. I was surprised when I first learned that Mary subsists on something other than the blood of newborns. Or she might be surprised to learn that Mary actually worries about her own health, that revelation caught me off-guard, too. I (and the waitress, probably) assumed that, since Mary hasn’t aged since the 1930s, she’s some sort of evil, undead monster.
    Actually, today’s “Archie” does pinpoint a major reason for species becoming extinct; they become dependent upon human sources of food, which are less healthy than their natural diets and encourage excessive interactions with humans (which usually leads to the animal’s death). I don’t know if the AJGLU 3000′s intent was to make a joke based on an ecological tragedy, or merely make a joke about killing dogs, but either way, the results are consistent with the AJGLU’s previous efforts: a bland, mildly grotesque, joke-like substance that’s flat and tasteless.

  97. caliban
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    And Dr. Jeff’s balls get bluer and bluer. Approaching indig unwashed Levi’s territory.

  98. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#91): True dat. They’ve yet to see a real head wound in MW. The closest they got was Detective Hewlett; they fixed that one by making a big ol’ punkin pie.

  99. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    @Hank (#90): The co-artist/embellisher — Christian Duce — has worked for Wildstorm, so this might be a case of DC trying to be all things to all people.

  100. un malpaso
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    MW: I think said “bullet” is the prospect of a waning-years marriage to Dr. Jeff. I think we all can agree that such a union would truly be equivalent to a piece of hot, flattened lead searing its way through your broken body. Especially if the good Doctor has been maintaining his daily regimen of work-plundered Viagra.

  101. Little Guy
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    Green of Dreams:

    If you tee it, she will foozle.

    Ease her followthrough.

    Drive the distance.

  102. Walker of Dog
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    FC: So many broken windowpanes to choose from on the keeper’s house. Which one will he be firing out of today?

    MT: The way Mark keeps hammering on its name, That Old Goose must have a pivotal role to play in the new story.

    S-M: Peter, lens cap.

    MW: Mary was worried that Jeff gave her boy-cooties.
    Gina is horrified by the first eruption of what Mary actually caught, herpes simplex one.

    Arch: Jughead makes hot dogs out of northern spotted owls. He is a monster.

  103. TheDiva
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    @Alan’s Addiction (#96): Well, of course Mary worries for her health. Do you know how hard it is to find sacrificial virgins these days?

  104. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#70):

    He has no record as a crime lord and for all Jameson knows he’s a practical joke. I’m guessing this happens in a dimension where everyone uses their skull to catch bricks.

    Ah, something that Peter Parker is actually good at.

  105. Liam
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    JP-What company is she working for? An intern is an entry level position. She is basically learning how things work. Did she just pass over people with years of experience to become this director? What company works like that? I can see it now, “Well Jenkins over here has thirty four years of experience in marketing and was next in line for the marketing director position but you are better at blow jobs than Jenkins so you get the position.”

  106. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    @Hank (#86): Actually a one-off in the “DC Retroactive” series, but you’re right on the important stuff. Good for Barreto. He’s got a fine eye for action comics.

  107. commodorejohn
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#106): *sigh* Dixie Julep…

  108. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 27th, 2011 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#105): if you’d ever seen Jenkins in a skintight red dress, you’d understand why he was passed over. . . .

  109. Mike
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    Genocide? No, that’s no nice. Instead he plans on making dogs, once man’s best friend and loving companion, close but not quite extinct. The reign of dogs which spanned tens of thousands of years will fade quietly into the night as the few remaining owners try to mirthlessly breed them to no avail. One day, dog’s will be thought of as a myth and then forgotten all together.
    That is how much Jughead loves hotdogs.

  110. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail — The old grey goose isn’t doing so well, but Mark’s father-in-law — Tom “Doc” Davis — is a licensed vet. He’ll have a cure for what ails her! Wait… what do you mean “it’s too late”?

    GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    THE OLD GREY GOOSE IS DEAD

    MARK TRAIL FOUND HER DYING
    IN THE MILLPOND ON HER HEAD

    THE GANDER WON’T EAT NOW
    GANDER WON’T EAT NOW
    BECAUSE HIS WIFE IS DEAD

    LET’S PRAY FOR THE BABIES
    PRAY FOR THE BABIES
    BECAUSE THEIR MAMA’S DEAD

    SOMEBODY GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    THE OLD GREY GOOSE IS DEAD

    SOMEBODY GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    I WANT YOU TO GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    TELL HIM THAT THE OLD GREY GOOSE IS DEAD

    LORD, NOW GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    CHILDREN, GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    WANT YOU TO GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    TELL HIM THAT THE OLD GREY GOOSE IS DEAD

    EVERYBODY GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    NOW, NOW, GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    NOW, NOW, GO TELL DOC DAVIS
    GO TELL DOC DAVIS — TELL HIM
    THAT THE OLD GREY GOOSE IS DEAD

  111. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    C’ville: So, Tyrone used to write for Apartment 3G?

    BB: To no one’s surprise, Sarge would rather collect the sexual payback from Beetle than from Miss Buxley.

    SM: Endless Stupidity Loop, Version 1: “A woman? You’re telling me that a female person actually picked up a camera and took these pictures? She aimed the camera and pushed the little button, all by herself? Really? A vaginated individual knew how to successfully operate a camera? A woman photographer? She?”

    MT: Endless Stupidity Loop, Version 2: “That old goose sure is noisy. I’d better take a look at that old goose. Rusty, you stay here while I walk over to that old goose. Be sure to watch me carefully as I’m approaching that old goose, though, because you never know what that old goose might do. Those old geese can be unpredictable.”

    MW: Mary, were you worried that you gained a few pounds, and now you want to be sure to keep your weight down? Don’t worry—you were probably just bloated with the bitter bile of your own self-satisfaction; stay off the meddling for a day or two, and you’ll pee that right out.

  112. Dood
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: Ha, ha, pluggers golfing? Try again, Chuck Mills of Twain Harte, Calif.

  113. CanuckDownSouth
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#105): I think the company’s marketing dept consisted of Hit-By-a-Bus lady, a woman on mat leave, and the intern. This was used to explain why they’d leave the intern unsupervised for the book tour instead of bringing in a different person from the department. It’s of course utter lunacy, just not quite the same flavour as what you proposed.

  114. Tom S
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    ‘Foozle’ is a real golf term for one of those shots that pops forward a couple feet and dribbles off. It’s been around at least since the twenties- Wodehouse uses it.

    Not that excuses its use as a sound effect.

  115. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#107): Indeed. Dixie Julep and her suicide by cop. She just had to carry around those two huge targets.

  116. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @Tom S (#114): “one of those shots that pops forward a couple feet and dribbles off”

    Well, that rules it out as a golf sound effect. But based on your description, it might find a niche in another area where the traditional sound effects have been considerably less subtle.

  117. seismic-2
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#70): Thanks for confirming the absence of explanation for what’s going on in Spiderman. It makes sense that Peter’s photography job can be replaced by installing a surveillance camera. After all, his only real occupation is watching television, moping, and whining, so he can also easily be replaced by a TiVo and Funky Winkerbean.

  118. terrapin
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    MT: Mark called Cherry “that old goose” once and she did to him what Hot Dog did to Jughead’s hot dog.

    MW: “I feel like I dodged a bullet…’cuz I been hittin’ the Jack Danial’s pretty hard lately!”

  119. Aviatrix
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#105): If I recall correctly, the marketing department consisted of the director, the intern, and someone out on mat leave. Remember that the chauffeur is also the senior reader, the entertainment director and Mr. Cheatham’s right hand man.

  120. Aviatrix
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#113): Oops, that’s what I get for not refreshing before posting. But now I’m not sure if I’m relieved or horrified to have my knowledge of the situation corroborated.

  121. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#119): No wonder it’s so hard to get a job in the New York publishing world: Every job in the publishing industry is handled by a total of about 9 people.

  122. Aviatrix
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Dick Track is not drawn so I can tell what is happening, but it keeping track of facts they have established from one installment to the next. It’s going to have to drop off my list as too good to snark. This is going beyond comic strip. I now dub it “serial graphic novel.” Soon to be a serial graphic novel about a novel serial killer.

  123. Walker of Dog
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#112): What’s better than golf for self-inflicted impotent fury?

  124. Aviatrix
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    FW: I haven’t been reading this strip long enough to share the group spider sense that someone is about to die, so I’m just taking it for what it is and looking at the pictures. I really like the second panel. Those power meter bubble things are everywhere, but you stop seeing them and forget they are there. Real “writing” is often about seeing what people see but don’t notice and bringing it back to their attention.

  125. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#111): you’ll forgive me if I don’t try to work “vaginated individual” into conversation, but I was amused by the turn of phrase anyways. :-)

  126. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#123): “Golf is a good day’s walk, ruined.” – Mark Twain.

  127. Poteet
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    GT — I have yet to see a single GT strip that ISN’T insane, so I guess I don’t understand the problem.

  128. Baka Gaijin
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:51 pm [Reply]

    [Baka turns around, sees clown] AIEEEEE! FOOZLE!
    Nah, doesn’t quite do it. QLUNQ!

  129. Aviatrix
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    MT: Awesome! A waterfowl rescue arc. We haven’t had one of those for ages. I hope it’s a friend of Mark’s pet goose, and it’s been hurt by a poacher, in a way somehow connected to land use legislation.

  130. Hank
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#106): Thanks. I assumed the “retroactives” were this year’s annuals.

  131. Esther Blodgett
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#125): Personally, I’ve already added “vaginated individual” to my e-mail sig line at work. I’m thinking it’ll get me a quicker response from some of the higher-ups in the company.

  132. Aviatrix
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    MW: Like everyone else, I looked at this wondering what had so horrified Gina. I started by listing things that a diner waitress would not be horrified by from an old lady customer:

    * wants to order a healthy meal
    * overshares her day’s appoinments
    * says she feels the shadow of death creeping upon her
    * removes her gunk-encrusted dentures revealing a toothless maw

    And then I reached the same conclusion as most other readers. Gina has spotted a threat of immanent death through the diner window. I savour the irony that it is a gunman, who slaughters everyone inside, except for Mary, who, after meddling the cops, paramedics and grieving relatives of the deceased, strolls into another diner in her now blood-splattered mustard jacket and announces cheerfully that she’d like a salad.

  133. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#129): Really? Damn. And I was so looking forward to the dock-repair arc.

  134. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#131): It’s certainly on my business card:
    Bourbon Babe, Unbuckled
    College Writing Instructor & Vaginated Individual

  135. commodorejohn
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#125): Indeed. I move that bourbon babe be given COTW for this fine coinage.

  136. Chrystal Gail
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    @caliban (#97): Doan it make my brown balls, Doan it make my brown balls, Doan it make my brown balls blue….

  137. Pseudo3D
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Archie: Jughead’s going to kill his dog. Awesome.

    MT: Dinnertime!

  138. Anansi
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    Girls With Slingshots: 1.Am I the only one who plays the “The Great Mouse Detective” theme in their head when ever Jamie becomes the Romance Detective. 2.DAT ASS!!!!!!!

  139. commodorejohn
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Anansi (#138): Don’t read GWS myself, but damn if I can’t instantly recall the Great Mouse Detective theme right off the top of my head reading your post, even though I haven’t even seen it in probably five years.

    Underrated movie, that. And it’s got Vincent Price, to boot!

  140. Peanut Gallery
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    GT – “Scavuzzo!” is pretty darn funny sound effect in itself.

  141. Dood
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: So, after oiling the saddle, cleaning out the barn door and decking the pier, it’s naturally time to take care of the old goose? When did Mark Trail become porn for pluggers?

  142. Dood
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

  143. Anansi
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#139): Fun Fact: The director of the movie, Ron Clements, would go on to direct The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, and The Princess and the Frog.

  144. Écureuil Écumant
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#134): Dandy. Just please try not to stir up any latent discrimination against us pedunculateds.

  145. balthazar
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    FW — a day without les is like a day … with sunshine.

  146. Aviatrix
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#133): I myself wouldn’t have minded a few detailed panels on the art of dock repair. If it’s just a few of the boards you walk on that have become rotten or broken that’s one thing, but it must be a much bigger job if part of the substrate is rotten. Shouldn’t Mark strip off and dive underwater with a waterproof flashlight to inspect the boards? What do Pluggers use to look at dark things underwater? A jar full of fireflies? Or do they hire Pluggers who themselves are those fish with glowing protuberances on their heads?

  147. Maggie the Cat
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    MW- I also find it odd that Mary would claim to have “dodged a bullet”. A cold, hard bitch like Mary doesn’t dodge bullets, bullets dodge her.

  148. Artist formerly known as Ben
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Maggie the Cat (#147): Mary is Chuck Norris?

  149. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Chrystal Gail (#136):

    You evoked the name “Doan” thrice, so you’re either a pill pusher or the author of this book:

    http://www.westholmepublishing.com/doangang.html

  150. SF_Reader
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    “Hey, it’s that jerk Mary Worth, who meddled in my affairs a few years back and ruined my life!” – That would be great but more likely it has something to do with pool parties, salmon squares, and the fact that Mary just farted.
    Dodged a bullet? Is she talking health or Jeff’s marriage proposal? She’s such a bitch!

  151. Poteet
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    MT — Yesterday, Cherry told Mark “I have a long list of things for you to do.” If anyone thinks Mark will ever get around to doing any of them, I know a generous Nigerian who wants to give you millions of dollars.

  152. seismic-2
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    MT: I really don’t care whether Mark finished the dock repair, but I surely hope he has time for some Doc repair. In every panel that’s shown him since Mark got back (not just from the mountaintop, but from the drug smugglers’ island), Doc looks like a manikin, sitting in that chair and staring blankly at nothing. I think Cherry and Rusty practiced taxidermy while Mark was gone, and Doc has now been stuffed. I hope Mark has some of that saddle oil left to rub into Doc’s aged hide, or else he soon will start to look like Norman Bates’ mother.

  153. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    Archie — A HOT DOG, A BLANKET AND YOU:

    http://www.youtube.com/user/phonomono78s#p/u/0/Z6hCrWEGHys

  154. Black Drazon
    July 27th, 2011 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    Jughead as an animal-hating sadist, eh? Well, these Archie comics are still in re-runs, right? All I’m saying is that I don’t recognize that dog, but I do recognize that terrifying dog-suit

  155. Chance
    July 27th, 2011 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Tom S (#114): Beat me to it.

  156. Nekrotzar
    July 27th, 2011 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    MW: It’s basically a variation of Josh’s “meddled in my affairs a few years back” scenario, but I think the waitress’s shock stems from the fact that she just fired that bullet at point-blank range and can’t believe she missed.

  157. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    July 27th, 2011 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#49):

    The dog won’t get hit by a car. The dog will get cancer.

  158. Black Drazon
    July 27th, 2011 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    You know, before I forget, I’d like to give a friendly shout-out to the creative team at Mark Trail, now that the previous storyline has come to an end. You have to give them credit! There were three primary characters in this story besides Mark and Andy, and each seemed to be more heroic the more facial hair they had! Finally the creative team and the fans can come together and admit what they’ve known all along: it’s not facial hair that makes you evil, or the length of your sideburns that tricks you into polluting! No, the true measure of good and evil is, and has always been, your proximity to Mark Trail’s flying knuckles. Thank goodness.

  159. Esther Blodgett
    July 27th, 2011 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#144): I had to look up “pedunculated” on Google. Whatever you do, do NOT flip over to Google images for the same word.

  160. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    July 27th, 2011 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#157):

    The dog will be run over by a car. Miraculously, he will sustain only minor injuries and be released from the Pet Hospital that same day. Six months later, he will die of cancer. A year later, the attending veteranarian will reveal that her diagnostic tests actually detected the cancer, but were mistakenly attributed to a canary from Santa Royale.

    Reactions will be mixed:

    Les Moore: “Cha-ching! Everything’s coming up sequel!!”

    Adrian Hewlett (attending Vet): “Oh no, not again! At least it wasn’t a person this time!”

    Wally: “Glug Glug … The bright side is, I ended up meeting my current wife! Jill, honey, do you have anything to add?”

    Jill: “@%^& Boxcar #$^!”

    Wally: “That’s my girl!”

  161. Aviatrix
    July 27th, 2011 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#160): You know you pay too much attention to newspaper comics when you can craft or comprehend that crazy crossover.

  162. Poteet
    July 27th, 2011 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#152): Now see, that’s why this site is so wonderful. If I miss something significant, someone else is sure to point it out. Now I can have bad dreams about Stuffed Doc, comforted only by the knowledge that the difference between being stuffed and being a secondary MT character is slight. And checking on Stuffed Doc gave me the bonus opportunity to notice again that Cherry seemed to have gotten a very severe haircut on Tuesday.

  163. Sequitur
    July 27th, 2011 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    Just in time for Poteet, bats :[ and True Fable.

    Turtle and Goat comics.

  164. Poteet
    July 27th, 2011 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#163): Yay! Thanks!

  165. TheDiva
    July 27th, 2011 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @Tom S (#114): So you’re saying this is the sport’s equivalent of FOOB’s “CHEW EAT MASTICATE” brand of sound effect? I look forward to the day where the image of a swinging bat is accompanied by “LINE DRIVE TO MID-RIGHT FIELD”….

  166. Austria
    July 27th, 2011 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    FW: I didn’t pay much attention to this particular strip until everyone started crying death. And now I…well, I still don’t know. I don’t see anything particularly deadly. Maybe I lack the Masky McDeath sense.

    MW: Blah blah blah something about bullets. Waitress is traumatized. I got nothing.

  167. demoncat
    July 27th, 2011 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    the waitress expression of shock is because she recognizes Mary worth as the woman who made her wind up working right there and also shock over some one maybe trying to kill mary by the dodge a bullet metophor. jugheads anger is because some creature dared to deny him food and thus will turn his old friend hot dog into a real one.

  168. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    July 27th, 2011 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#165): I saw a “deeply engrossed” as an effect in a manga, recently. I got a chuckle out of it. :-)

  169. Maggie the Cat
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#148): Chuck wishes.

    Nothing touches Mary. The lives of everyone else may be crumbling around them, but not Mary’s. Even her stalker dies “accidentally”… who was that kind of luck?

  170. Faster than a Speeding Bullet
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    MW: Grammatical mistake in second panel. Should read “as if”, not “like”. Mary should still die though.

  171. Anonymous
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#121):

    plot : Juggs Parker :: articles : Playboy

    (helpful link for those unfamiliar with the old SAT test “analogy” questions)

  172. Old School Allie Cat
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    FW – So, not to bring the room down or anything, but I had to have a little skin cancer removed today from my scalp, and yes, of course, I already asked the doctor if it could have been caused by exposure to the “writings” of Tom Batuik, and he said no. Well, he didn’t say that specifically – he just said that in this case, there’s nothing I could have done to cause or prevent it.

    Anyway, what I want to tell you is, it was no picnic. And we’re talking one of the most common, fully treatable types of cancercancercancer there is. I mean, other than the fact that the scalp is kind of a tight space to work in and they had to cut some hair – I’ll be totally fine. I don’t have to do anything as follow up or anything.

    But it kind of pisses me off that it’s Les Moore’s vehicle to fame and revenge on his old prof. Because yes, even though Lisa is a cartoon character, it was she that suffered (well, we ALL suffered, didn’t we?), and he’s the one who lives another day…

    And I don’t even have seriously, life-altering – let alone life-threatening stuff going on here – so I can imagine that someone with what we’ll call real cancer must think about this asshole. By which I mean Tommy B. I’m not angry at Les – that would be futile. How has the guy not been cut by some actual survivor who has had enough of his “writing”?

    Now, in disclosure, I may still be a little hopped up on painkillers.

  173. Liam
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    Aviatrix, CanuckDownSouth,

    Thanks for that information. I have just started “reading” Judge Parker.

  174. Fashion Police
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:49 pm [Reply]

    We are all a-flutter over the return of sweet, thoughtful, romantic $cott Gaine$, whose family business inflicted lead poisoning on a whole village in Puerto Rico. We always appreciated Mr. Gaine$’ devotion to electric-blue suits.

    However, instead of trying to put the bite on Mrs. Gaine$ she ought to be discussing access to the Mills Gallery roof with Miss Emma St. John. We understand Miss St. John is between gigs at the moment.

  175. Liam
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    FW-Isn’t that nice the dog is taking him out to a farm where he can run around and play. My question is since the owner can drive how will the dog leave the farm?

    MT-In that second panel I can just picture Mark taking his hammer to the goose to quiet it.

    Love Is-This looks so dirty. I’ve a certain tolerance for this strip and today’s comic goes right past it.

  176. Violet
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    I cannot even tell you how long I have been hoping for this Mary Worth storyline. Tomorrow will begin with “Let me tell you a story…” and even though it will take months to get there, it will be totally worth it when it wraps up with “…so I don’t care how fucked up you are, or how good-looking and persuasive those bikers are, don’t ever, ever share your works, Gina. Now how about that salad?”

  177. commodorejohn
    July 27th, 2011 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#172): Excellent question. Bat-yuck had his own minor, apparently easily-dealt-with run-in with prostate cancer some time before he decided Lisa should kack it, which I guess he figures gives him Tragedy Privileges or something, and I gather the cancer lobby has latched onto him in the same “sort of understandable but really pretty sad” grasp for mainstream-entertainment representation that The Boondocks frequently lampooned in the African-American community, so maybe they’ve given him some kind of dispensation to be a complete twat as long as he keeps the Cancer Awareness flowin’?

    In any case, very glad to hear that things went well for you. Go out and have a good time when those painkillers wear off, won’t you? :)

  178. Poteet
    July 27th, 2011 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#172): I am very very glad that your situation is as good as you describe, though sorry you had to go through it at all. And it seems extremely unfair that skin cancer should hide on one’s scalp. I mean, really, how the heck is a person supposed to even find it when it’s that sneaky?? And now you have an even better reason to knee Les right where it counts if you ever run into him in your nightmares.

  179. bats :[
    July 27th, 2011 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#172): YAY! for painkillers! We ought to be issued them when we read FW.

  180. Droopy Says
    July 27th, 2011 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#172): Sympathy for the skin cancer surgery; I’ve had it done a few times, too.

    Skin cancer is caused by ultraviolet radiation. It’s a form of light, and the most dangerous source is sunlight. Tanning booths are next in line as a skin cancer threat. UV radiation is also produced by so called “black lights,” which are used to iluminate glow-in-the-dark paints. To a limited extent UV is also produced by fluorescent lights, but that’s never been linked to skin cancer. The point here being that UV is associated with some form of light, and Batiuk produces nothing but gloom.

    Someone is bound to bring up the blue glow that sometimes surrounds Batiuk’s characters. That’s Cerenkov radiation. It is produced when nuclear particles are accelerated to nearly the speed of light. In the Funkyverse this happens when subatomic particles of hope (no larger amount of hope can exist there) are drawn in by the black holes of despair which pass for souls in Batiuk’s characters.

  181. The Ridger
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    I am so hoping that goose attacks Rusty. I’ve seen them drive grown men into ponds; this one could kill Rusty. Oh please oh please ohpleaseohpleaseohplease.

  182. seismic-2
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#171):

    plot : Juggs Parker :: articles : Playboy

    Well, I suppose that shows why I didn’t ace the SAT. My answer would have been
    breasts : Juggs Parker :: breasts : Playboy

  183. Anansi
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#175):

    Love Is-This looks so dirty. I’ve a certain tolerance for this strip and today’s comic goes right past it.

    YOU ACTUALLY TOLERATE THIS ABOMINATION ?!?!?!?!?!?

  184. seismic-2
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#165): The appropriate sound effects for the last 2 panels of this strip would be “FUNG… OHHH!!!!”

  185. kkarenb
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    It’s too bad that Don Martin is no longer around – imagine what he could have done with today’s Gil Thorp. The drawings would have been hilarious, too.

  186. Sisi
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#75): Here you go: Neil Gaiman’s “I, Cthulhu, or What’s A Tentacle-Faced Thing Like Me Doing In A Sunken City Like This”
    http://www.neilgaiman.com/p/Cool_Stuff/Short_Stories/I_Cthulhu

  187. kkarenb
    July 27th, 2011 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#172):
    Good thing you had that taken care of. I’m sure the doctor told you to stay out of the sun.

  188. Sisi
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#103): Now I understand: Gina has recognized MW as Countess Bathory. The old bat didn’t even bother to change her hairstyle: http://elizabethbathory.com/

  189. seismic-2
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#172): I’m sorry you had to go through that ordeal. However, try to look on the bright side: now you can sit down at a diner booth with Mary Worth, point to the scar on your scalp, and say, “You think you dodged a bullet, huh?”

  190. commodorejohn
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    @Sisi (#186): Heheh, exactly. Quite what I imagine poor Gina must be feeling like right now. Run screaming while you still have your sanity, girl!

  191. Liam
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    @Anansi (#183):

    I am conflicted over “Love Is”. It is a sweet comic strip but the naked children creep me out.

  192. commodorejohn
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

  193. Old School Allie Cat
    July 27th, 2011 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#187): Actually, this isn’t one that had anything to do with the sun – it’s a rare cancer of the hair follicles of the scalp – rare enough that my doctor brought in all the other doctors to have a look – very freak show. But my days of tanning booths and lemon juice in my hair are long over.

    @seismic-2 (#189): Damn, I wish I’d thought of that. We actually did go to lunch while I was waiting for my prescription – we went to a local bar with really good burgers. I felt kind of bad for the waitress, whose name was not Gina. I guess she’d never seen someone all bandaged up order cheese fries.

    Thanks to you both and to bats, droopy, poteet, commodorejohn and all my well-wishers – I assure you this wasn’t a ploy for sympathy, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

  194. Sgt. Stoned
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#4): And she describes her dates with him as “doctor’s appointment(s)”!

  195. Baka Gaijin
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#194): Obstetrician cosplay? Yuck.

  196. Liam
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#192):

    I have never seen THAT one before. I am hoping that it is a fake because just for looking at that I am going to have register as a sex offender now.

  197. Rocky Stoneaxe
    July 27th, 2011 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#193): I’d like to add my good wishes to all the others you’ve received. And if you’re reading this, Tom Batiuk, hire this woman as “Creative Consultant” on Funky and/or Cranky!

  198. commodorejohn
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#196): Oh, it’s real, all right. Straight from the same source goComics uses. There’s been a few others similarily unusual, but none of ‘em quite compare to that one.

  199. Esther Blodgett
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#178): Kneeing Les “where it counts” isn’t where you might think. In fact, I can’t think of where it might be.

  200. Poteet
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

  201. Droopy Says
    July 27th, 2011 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#199): You’d knee him right in the smirk. But it’s a job for King Kong.

  202. Blackurge9
    July 28th, 2011 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    MW: There but for one damned bullet I might have had a customer who tips.

  203. Droopy Says
    July 28th, 2011 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    The Amusing Spiderman: “My spider-sense is rarely wrong.” Really? As any brick could tell you, that spider-sense functions at the same level as a sunburn: by the time you get the message, it’s too late to stop the damage.

    Call of the wildly obvious: Spidermonkey will thwart that she-demon by refusing to perform. He will stay in the apartment, lounge on the couch and watch TV, and generally fail to perform his duties as Spiderman, until she quits in frustration–I mean the girl photographer. MJ is too thick to get the message.

    Mark Trail: Trail has figured out that it’s a Canadian goose. As a true-blue American he knows that the way to communicate with any foreign devil is to speak loud and slow until they understand you. Keep trying, Trail, everyone knows that deep-water drownings are the leading cause of death among geese.

    Family Circus: It’s funny because Billy claims he thought about something.

    Phantom: I haven’t seen this much bonding since I knocked over that barrel of superglue. And, since we’re stuck with E. Queasy, it’s good to know that someone beside the ‘mudges remember the kidnapping.

    EffYou Wankerbean: Tomorrow, sepia-toned pictures of Buddy & Wally as they lick one another, while someone gets a video of Buddy cheerily barking and drooling. Saturday, or maybe Sunday, Masky McDeath drives the Deathmobile.

    Dennis the Nuisance: What does he do for a living? He draws a strip that people enjoy for its creativity and variety. What’s the excuse for Ketcham Inc.?

  204. Irma
    July 28th, 2011 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    MT – One of the reasons I admire this comic strip is that we can see how a supposedly semi-professional ranger tells a goose to relax. I can’t even add anything snarky to that, it’s so perfect.

  205. Droopy Says
    July 28th, 2011 at 1:46 am [Reply]

    Pearls Before Swine: So Pastis and Ketcham Inc. are having a joke-off? You have to admire the Dennis-providers for their courage, but Pastis wins hands-down.

    Gil Thorp: Yes, that’s right, Mr. Golf Pro, do your Mark Trail impression while someone is putting!

    Rex Morgan, Moral Defective: Hah, hah, kids and their texting and cellphoning, that’s what brings down a civilization! Never mind that your jailbait daughter dresses like a hooker and cuts classes with an over-the-hill punk, take a lesson from Mary Worth and freak over tech!

    Mary Worthless: At a guess, Gina’s husband got shot to death and now she freaks over any mention of bullets.

  206. Ed Dravecky
    July 28th, 2011 at 2:44 am [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#157): Wally’s car will get cancer. Buddy the Dog will enter witness protection and be whisked off to Albuquerque until Wally’s trial. Les will win a Grammy for the audiobook edition of Lisa’s Story.

  207. Lisa
    July 28th, 2011 at 2:47 am [Reply]

    Luann: now I went to a liberal arts college and all, but I never got in the habit of casually stripping and changing clothes in front of my friends. Well, unless there was lots of booze… Hey this isn’t about me, ewww gross topless Luann!

  208. Dan
    July 28th, 2011 at 3:36 am [Reply]

    Spiderman is so lame he is going after speeders now?

  209. The Real Dan
    July 28th, 2011 at 6:09 am [Reply]

    AUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH!! I saw Luann in her bra! The horror!!!! Must.. claw out… eyes!!!

  210. The Really Real Dan
    July 28th, 2011 at 6:16 am [Reply]

    archie: that 1 guy’s expression indicates he’s about to strangle archie.

  211. Hibbleton
    July 28th, 2011 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    MW: Morning sickness; mary’s found her next target.

  212. Mark B
    July 28th, 2011 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    MT: I know as an experienced outdoorsman you don’t want to hear this, but geese don’t actually speak English. And BOLDING DOESN’T HELP! I wonder if there is a Rosetta Stone for Goosian.

  213. Terry in Maryland
    July 28th, 2011 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    Phantom: The only thing I can see coming out of this story line is that the Phantom is going to have free IT help for the rest of Chesley’s life.

    MT: Roast goose for dinner in the Lost Forest!

  214. Maggie the Cat
    July 28th, 2011 at 7:40 am [Reply]

    I guess Margo is the last to know, the whole thing about art is there aren’t any rules. It’s been that way since, I don’t know, forever. How cutting edge, Margo.

  215. Vince M
    July 28th, 2011 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#198): Hey, man, once bitten…no way am I linking to those now!

  216. Kristian
    July 28th, 2011 at 8:02 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#192): Holy Toledo!

  217. Vince M
    July 28th, 2011 at 8:03 am [Reply]

    I’m reading today’s ‘Mark Trail’, and I’m hearing Frankie Goes To Hollywood…

  218. Little Guy
    July 28th, 2011 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    GT: Don’t tell me. Doctor Pig was bested in medical school by a female athlete, and has a restraining order. Coach Thorp will investigate and have him lose his license, and Molly will gain esteem.

    Well, that wraps up that plot. See you on the gridiron in October!

    JP: She has sharp knees.

    Curtis: Two days with a Flyspeck Island Chameleon, and I still don’t give a shiat.

  219. Whippersnapper
    July 28th, 2011 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    MW: I’m surprised more people don’t vomit in terror at the sight of Mary Worth. I know I would.

  220. Little Guy
    July 28th, 2011 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#172): Plenty of smirkiness and snark for years to come, and kick Masky McDeath in the jub jubs if he’s around.

    And Les, just because.

  221. Comcis Fan
    July 28th, 2011 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    FW:

    It was amputation I know
    That is what was making the storyline go
    No mere yarn about a hound
    Could make this world go round
    And cancer has been done, that’s no fun anymore, dear.

    It may be exploitation to you
    But I’m showing what a P-T-S-D dog can do
    And let’s not forget
    I’m showing love for vets
    You ‘mudges just don’t get what I’m trying to do, here. …

  222. Liam
    July 28th, 2011 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#198):

    Thanks for those links. Here’s my thoughts on them.

    1) The letter is sprayed with her perfume and nothing else. She did not in any way whatsoever rubbed with her pussy juice.

    2) This one is obviously about a pregnacy and cannot be misconstrued to mean anything else.

    3) She just blew his mind and nothing else of his was blown.

    4) This is just flat out dirty. There is no way a person could anything innocent in this picture.

  223. bartcow
    July 28th, 2011 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    I think the waitress’ reaction stems from the realization that Mary just found out she’s not pregnant. “Oh my God!” she screams inwardly, “Someone…someone actually tapped THAT?”

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