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Admittedly, if I looked Mary Worth in the face, I’d also be in state of panic, or maybe would just turn to stone

Gil Thorp, 7/27/11

Hey, everyone, in case you were wondering, Gil Thorp hasn’t been cancelled or anything. Due to my extreme displeasure at the second summer in a row featuring a shenanigan-free golf plot, I refuse to do even a cursory job summarizing the storyline for you, but I do want to point out with icy disdain the “FOOZLE!” in panel two. Can you imagine any circumstance under which hitting a golf ball would result in a noise that sounds even remotely like “FOOZLE”? No, of course you can’t, other than maybe Dr. Scavuzzo has a special wacky trick club that emits hilarious vaudeville noises. Gil Thorp, we want our insane summer plot! We will not be bought off by supposedly zany sound effects.

Mary Worth, 7/27/11

Potential reasons why our waitress is flabbergasted at Mary’s very mild health-based oversharing:

  • “Oh, no, we don’t have anything even remotely healthy on our menu! Even the salad is garnished with fried onion rings and lard-flavored dressing! Literally anything I serve to this woman will kill her right here in the booth!
  • “Wait, I wasn’t listening to anything she said until the very end. ‘Dodged a bullet?’ Is this seemingly feeble old woman a ninja with superhuman powers?”
  • “Hey, it’s that jerk Mary Worth, who meddled in my affairs a few years back and ruined my life!”

Archie, 7/27/11

Of course we all know that Jughead loves a good hot dog, but now we’re discovering just how much: take one from him and in his rage he’ll commit genocide.

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