Main content:

Golf ’n’ God

Herb and Jamaal, 6/2/07

In an attempt to put a fresh and non-copyright-infringing spin on a joke that’s been cracking ’em up on the message boards outside churches around the country since 1998, today’s Herb and Jamaal ties itself into serious theological and philosophical knots. “Knee mail” (i.e., prayer) is of course the preferred method of making contact with a deity of the type that most religious folks today believe in: a God of pure spirit who exists on a plane separate from the physical reality we inhabit. Thus, Rev. Croom’s answer to Herb’s question (about which he looks rather disgustingly satisfied, incidentally) doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense. We already talk to the spiritual God via knee mail, rev; Herb wants to know how to make contact with a hypothetical physical God. My suggestion: poke Him with a stick. Not too hard, though.

Blondie, 6/2/07

If I were a clerk at The Book Barn (or, well, you can’t see the “k”, so it might be The Boon Barn or The Boob Barn, but never mind that) and a customer brought me a copy of every mid-sized book in the store with a cover the same exact shade of blue, my first response would be less “You sure enjoy all kinds of different books” and more “Sir, I know that obsessive-compulsive disorder can be a life-afflicting problem, but the first step is to admit that you need help.”

Beetle Bailey, 6/2/07

So … does this strip make any sense to anyone, anywhere, at any level of familiarity with golf? I thought I had it — Gen. Halftrack is about to be caught cheating by Lt. Flap and Hitler-Mustached Mid-Level Staff Officer Whose Name And Rank I Forget Or Perhaps Never Actually Knew as they Keep On Truckin’ towards the reader, and Lt. Fuzz is demanding advancement in rank in exchange for his silence. But if Flap and H-MM-LSOWNARIFOPNAK have already seen the general’s perfidy, then Lt. Fuzz’s collaboration won’t help matters; if they haven’t, then their presence in the second panel, which seems to be the incentive for Fuzz’s sudden blackmail bid, is irrelevant. O wiser heads on the Internet, answer this conundrum!

A more philosophical question: Why are these two golfing together in the first place? Usually Halftrack is willing to humiliate himself by hiding under his desk or hanging out the window just to avoid a few loathsome moments spent with his subordinate. Surely any golf outing with the two of them would result in the younger man being brained by a club somewhere on the front nine.

297 responses to “Golf ’n’ God”

  1. Jonathan Bogart
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    I assumed that Fuzz was caddying for Halftrack.

    I’m pretty sure that your original instinct — that Fuzz is making an incompetent attempt to blackmail Halftrack — was as far as The Walker Corporation thought through the joke.

  2. Proteus
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    What is awesome about this Beetle Bailey is seeing Lt Fuzz wearing a baseball cap backwards – and there are still those yellow thingies over his eyes! This proves that they are eyebrows, not his Lt. Bars (no, I cannot spell leiuitennant right when I’m hoping also to be first post). So! Now we know! Now we can all… um… go back to not caring and stuff.

  3. Bapp
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I can help you out, Josh. the Lt. is using Halftrack as his caddy. They’re not playing together. Plus, the other guys haven’t seen Fuzz place his ball. They are probably playing a highly competitive game with him, and he is cheating, so HT is blackmailing him.

  4. Kurdt
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    So why did Dagwood build shelves in the first place if he knew that he was just going to fill them with books he wasn’t going to read? If he felt the need to build something why didn’t he just make stools or picnic tables or something he would use? It makes no sense.

  5. Bobchillingworth
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    Why is there a tiny thundercloud hovering above Herb’s coffee mug? Is it depressed?

  6. ”Impresario”
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, the thing that’s going on there is that Walker should’ve had the other golfers coming over the ridge or looking another way. I think it’s just lazy cartooning.

  7. willethompson
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    BB is a classic foursome dynamic where one of the party is a clear superior in rank over the other three. In this case, he could literally sign orders sending these guys to active duty in Anbar province. Halftrack knows this as he is not only blantantly cheating, he is doing it within eyeshot of the other three. Ergo, this is not a golf game, this is a David Mamet play directed by Tom Clancy.

  8. SecretMargo
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    I think (or…know, I guess) that I’m just an unrepentant Bible-burnin’ heathen, but am I the only one who thought of a…different type of message one can deliver on bended knee? Especially with the rather unnecessary “physical” specification. Imagine youself on your knees praying in front of a crucifix to an abstracted God. Wholesome, right? Now imagine doing so with some dude named “God” standing right in front of you. Methinks it’d be “God” who’d be the one doing the poking with his “stick.”

    H&J: So much smuttier and sacrilegious than you ever thought possible. I guess we should have known what was coming after “Jamaal’s Visible Butt-Crack Gate”, but it’s always shocking to see such depravity slip past the editors of a family newspaper.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll sending a nice, long “knee-mail” to that minx with an MD, Rex. It’s not Sunday yet, but it’s never too early for a little worship, right Herb?

  9. Peter the Great
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Yhe general in Beatle Baily should know that you’re not supposed to wear checkerboards t go golfing.

  10. Peter the Great
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    The general in Beatle Baily should know that you’re not supposed to wear checkerboards tp go golfing.

  11. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Just to look at the Beetle Bailey conundrum from a fresh perspective: are we sure that Gen Halftrack and Lt Fuzz are wearing pants?

  12. Qwerty
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    General Halftrack and Lt. Fuzz have just finished a game of “find my balls” and now the Lt. wants his reward. His justly earned reward.

  13. Rudy the Ape
    June 2nd, 2007 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    Fuzz and Halftrack have finished their tryst in the bushes, and sensing that Halftrack’s “chuck the golfball near the bushes to distract the interlopers” trick may fail, Fuzz is hinting that the ol’ don’t ask, don’t tell policy may be ending without some quick promotion. This distraction will allow both to pull back up their pants whilst still in the high grass.

  14. Bapp
    June 2nd, 2007 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    I think the clerk at Boob Barn was being sarcastic. It looks like Dagwood was purchasing a vintage collection of Nancy Drew books (without there dust jackets). Don’t ask me how I know this about Nancy Drew. Some things are better left alone.

  15. RedLion
    June 2nd, 2007 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    (I’m going to disregard Josh’s questions and pretend that this strip actually makes a modicum of sense.)

    By the time this is all over, I’m hoping that we get to see a Notes on a Scandal-esque climax, with Lt. Fuzz blackmailing the General into all sorts of vaguely homo erotic situations, just so that Halftrack keeps his golfing secrets…well, secret.

    For if it were to be revealed that he cheats, it would absolutely annihilate the reputation of a man who is so well loved and admired by his wife, subordinates and peers.

    Really, why does Halftrack even care? If someone accused him of cheating, he could just re-assign them.

  16. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    I thought that the reverend was saying that one should knee God right in the groin to drive home your prayers. Never trust a reverend with a Bozo hairdo.

  17. MonkeyHawk
    June 2nd, 2007 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    My Al Scaduto Absolution

    So yesterday I get a letter from Al Scaduto, complete with 39-cent flag stamp and two lick-em-and-stick-em Thomas Jefferson 1-centers.

    And I open the envelope and Al has sent me the original art for the 8/6 TDIET! With a “Thanx to….” *ME!!*

    Except it isn’t the gag I’d sent Al. Totally different and (depending on who’s voting; it gets mine) funnier than the one I’d submitted.

    To further complicate my dilemma, Al’s 8/6 drawing involves SQUID!! (That’d get me extra points toward sainthood in the Comics Curmudgeon College of Cardinals, right?)

    So I consulted Pope Noodle Foot. And he set me on the right path.

    I’ve e-mailed Al and informed him of the error.

    He advised me to contact Al about the error.

    I have no idea how far in advance Al sends his work to the syndicate, or whether he can change the “Thanx to…” credit.

    But I’ve done my part, thanks to Josh.

    I shall now pass among the masses to touch the sick and infirm and impart my righteousness.

    “He makes the lame see, and the blind to walk again.”

  18. BigTed
    June 2nd, 2007 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    Proteus (2): I agree that those must be Lt. Fuzz’ eyebrows that are somehow visible under his backwards baseball cap.

    They’re obviously needed to add emotion to his face. Without them, his expression in the first panel would be “hungry” rather than “earnestly searching,” and in the second panel it would be “happy” rather than “evilly grinning.”

  19. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 2nd, 2007 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    MonkeyHawk @ 17:
    What was the joke? It might belong to some other Curmudgeon who never heard back from Scaduto after e-mailing in his suggestion. Me, for instance. My submission was about a guy who’s irritated when people draw conclusions about his profession from TV shows, then does the same to them.

  20. Fried Froid w/ Squid
    June 2nd, 2007 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    OK, you guys have convinced me.

    I’m going to stop reading 9 Chickweed Lane. It’s too artsy, incomprehensible, with too many words for us Pluggers. Why the philosophy of Dennis the Menace, the drama of Spiderman’s villain grabbing a heroine, and the warm homeyness of Mary Worth’s weasel broth should be entertaining and intellectual enough for all of us.

  21. Ubiq
    June 2nd, 2007 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    Isn’t that Major Greenbrass?

    Anyway, well, Herb could always try calling God by telephone during normal business hours, but I think that they’d just redirect his call to Ganeesh these days.

  22. SecretMargo
    June 2nd, 2007 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    20: Froid — As probably one of the most vocal detractors of Mr. McEldowny, I feel I must re-iterate that I do appreciate what he’s trying to do: be literate, push the boundaries of what comic art can do, etc. I just wish the sensiblility revealed as he did so didn’t seem so damn unctuous, and I think the mix of wanting to like him and the sinking feeling that I’d probably be fighting down a good Scaduto-ish “urge” to wipe that condescending smirk off his face if I ever actually met him results in the particularly visceral diatribes I occasionally launch here. If you enjoy him, by all means, don’t let me stop you — it truly is better than most things out there, I agree.

    Digression: I [margo]ing love the term “weasel broth” for what Mary serves her acquaintences, nemeses, and readers. I’ll probably end up stealing/perpetuating it at some point, but I’ll make sure to lay garlands at your feet as I do so.

  23. American Idle
    June 2nd, 2007 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    When I go for my daily Steve Canyon fix, I get a 404. It’s been like that for at least two days.

    Stevie B where are you?

    Looks like must have lost it’s host.

    And hey, I’m worse than Dagwood: I may not know much about art, but I know what my wife will think will go with the draperies…

  24. Jim Anderson
    June 2nd, 2007 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    Looks like Halftrack and his golfing buddies have been browsing the Free Box at the co-op.

  25. Stephanie
    June 2nd, 2007 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    You failed to mention the fact that the landscape in Beetle Bailey kind of just drops off behind that tree there. Its almost as if they’re in some alternate universe, and Halftrack is such a bad golfer, that he managed to land it in a parallel dimension.

  26. Donald The Anarchist
    June 2nd, 2007 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    #16 That makes me think of a scene I always wished were in the Gospels. Except for the scene at the end, nobody ever threatens to beat the crap out of Jesus. Not that he deserved it; I just would have loved a scene where some thug muscles up to him and says, “Forgive my sins or it’s an ass-whupping!” Then Jesus could have told a pithy parable about two sons, a sheepherder and a vineyard that would have put the bully sobbing on the ground for mercy. The Gospel writers were obviously impoverished by the dearth of good literature to swipe from.

  27. Jamus The Bartender
    June 2nd, 2007 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    (This really should have gone on the previous thread, but what the hell…)
    Dick Tracy’s Crimestopper’s Textbook.
    Well, young detectives, it looks like ol’ Dick is in the doghouse again. When you’ve been in the doghouse as much as I have, you begin to regard Milkbone Dog Biscuits as pre-dinner appetizers. Lucky thing the good ole CIA has asked your’s truly to do some Nazi-huntin’. It’s been a while since….damn, ’43 was it?….yeah, the Brow and those crazy singin’ sisters. Damn they were good in bed….but I digress.
    Where was I? Oh yeah. Huntin’ Nazis. I don’t want you kids to ever shave your heads and wear those tattoos. Because lemme tell ya right now, no matter what anyone tells you, BEING A NAZI ISN’T COOL. Now I know you’re gonna tell me all about how they invented the Volkswagen…a fine car….and the national freeway system to go with it…all the better to catch Commies fast….and how every Nazi we didn’t hang got a Get Out Of Jail Free card to work on our fine space program. All the better to spy on Commies, terrorists and all around crooks.
    Yep, it seems the Nazi’s pretty much made life easier here in the ole US of A. And i’m gonna go catch me one.
    Which leads me to today’s lesson:
    How To Perform A Screen Test On A Suspect.
    Now, of course some of you will tell me about your cousin Britney with the blonde hair and the huge jugs and how she went to Hollywood for a screen test and came back encinte as the Spanish say, but that’s not the type of screen test i’m talking about.
    This screen test will have even the most reluctant skell confessing to the Chicago Fire and crying for his mama, and all you need to do is follow a few simple rules.
    A. First, go find a deserted stretch of freeway. Call it in to dispatch. Say you’re gonna test-fire a gun for fingerprints. They won’t know. Odds are dispatch is watching Oprah selling men on television…
    2. Be sure your suspect has been read his Mirandas before you cuff his hands behind him and throw him in the back seat. Do NOT buckle his seat belt.
    Thirdly. This part should be done in the middle of the night without any pain in the ass witnesses around. With your suspect in the back seat, bring your speed up to fifty miles per hour…..sixty….the look on his face is priceless when you slam the brakes on at seventy and his face slams up against the cage divider. Hoo-hoo. It’s actually funny the third and fourth times too. His face will look like a bloody waffle by the time you’re done, but his sworn statement will be worth it.
    And finally…D….be sure to stop by a fire escape…any fire escape at all..because when the goddamn desk sergeant and I.A. ask…and they will…why your perp looks like an Eggo waffle with Mrs Butterworth’s raspberry jam, simply tell them…”He fell onto a fire escape”
    Yes, twelve times. Whups, plane’s here. Okay, i’ll be back next time for another lesson after i’ve cuffed this National Socialist and give him a reminder of how we handled Dresden, and with any luck, i’ll be back on the sofa. This is Dick Tracy, telling you all…
    Jack Bauer’s a pussy.
    Dick Tracy.

  28. pesch
    June 2nd, 2007 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    Well, I’ve looked through the Sunday comix, and it’s a grim, grim ride. Get plenty of sleep tonight, kids, because hope has taken the last bus out of town.

    I’ll try to avoid spoiling it, so some of these will only make sense after you’ve seen the strips.

    Blondie: Gangs of feral children attack Bumstead household, as usual.

    Foxtrot: Look! Roger’s trying to light the grill! The strip’s a Ruben-Award winning Marmaduke.

    Doonesbury: Listing the dead means Garry gets another weekend off. Win-win.

    FC: Seeing the cycle of life expressed in mathematical equations makes me want to slit my wrists. Then it would be “1-1=0″

    FBOFW: Remember Gwampa’s dream about the harem? This is similar. Fetch the eyebleach, ma!

    Garfield: Funny piece of physical humor. That’s it’s the funniest strip in today’s paper makes life seem even more depressing.

    Lockhorns: Jimmy Buffet will want to drink himself to death. “Bonus:” Wikipedia joke.

    PBS: Pastis is cruel. Funny, but cruel.

    SF: What does it mean to the world when Ted finds it funny to play a cruel joke on his baseball team?

    FW: Instead of cancer jokes, it’s a prom joke in which the girls laugh at their partners’ sexual apparatus. Believe me, it’s the only way this strip makes sense.

    Jump Start: Um, Rob, the joke would be funny if the fact you’re quoting was true. But since it isn’t, you’ve wasted all our time.

    Marmaduke: Is a big dog with a taste for threesomes. That’s why he’s sleeping in, kids.

  29. Canuckguy
    June 2nd, 2007 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    Blondie: Josh, I think those ARE Dagwood’s books on OCD. (Only someone with OCD would take out that many books (that all look alike) *on* OCD)

  30. Motorposus
    June 2nd, 2007 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    Dagwood makes more sense when you consider that he and Jay Gatsby are Jazz Age brethren. Like the elegant leather-bound tomes with uncut pages in Gatsby’s library, these glossy, mid-sized blue books will never be read, but are only props to create the illusion of cultivation. Later, Daisy the dog runs over Blondie in Dagwood’s car, and an attempt to cover the truth ends in further tragedy.

  31. Spotted HØrse
    June 2nd, 2007 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    #367 CrabbyGenes from yesterthread:

    In my family …if someone starts talking about something which is totally unrelated to anything previously said, and especially if the topic is rather obscure and others can’t follow it, SOMEONE is bound to say, “My grandmother had one but the wheels fell off.”

    Never heard that one, CG, but in my family it was, “What kind of airplane is that on the wall?”

    As a young man, my dad used to teach middle schoolers, and once after a rousing US history lecture he was surprised to see his version of Gap Tooth Starey Hoooo Guy raise his hand. Delighted at the thought that he’d finally gotten through to this kid, Dad called on him, and GTSHG said, “What kind of airplane is that on the wall?”

    I’m not sure, but I think that Dad may have even had an observer in the class that day. A little deflating.

  32. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    #26 Donald the Anarchist
    Having a thug tell Jesus : “Forgive my sins or it’s an ass-whupping!”
    What an awesome concept

  33. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    Too bad Dad couldn’t say something like “It’s a Fuckyou-14
    from WW2″

  34. AhClem
    June 2nd, 2007 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    I apologize if this was noted already, since I haven’t plowed through the fourteen billion comments since yesterday. In yesterday’s MT, one of the crooked county commissioners is lighting a cigarette. That, plus the facial hair, makes him an official MTBG (Mark Trail Bad Guy), who will soon be at the receiving end of Mark’s RHO’J.

  35. Flealick
    June 2nd, 2007 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    #4 Kurdt: Dagwood is gunning for his hickwater burb’s “token literate” title. Due to a lack of applicants for the title, ability to build a structurally-sound shelf will now earn one the coveted honor.

    It is nice to see that the Bumsteads are doing so well financially they can purchase hard-cover books at retail prices just for appearances sake. There are book by the yard services that would be more economical.

  36. Keg of Curd
    June 2nd, 2007 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    The most disturbing thing about Beetle is the way the landscape disappears to the left of that tree. Yes, tall grass covers some things, but it doesn’t make mountains vanish.

  37. Spotted HØrse
    June 2nd, 2007 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    #33 Harry Paratestes: “Too bad Dad couldn’t say something like “It’s a Fuckyou-14 from WW2″

    Ahh yes.. that would be Dad… The Later Years…

    Actually, the sad thing is that Dad was having a Hollywood celluloid moment… this kid was not being a smart ass, but was seriously interested in something, anything! Just… the… wrong… Goddamn! Boxcar!

  38. Theominousoat
    June 2nd, 2007 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps Herb and Jamaal are now attempting to fill that irregularly shaped christian pun hole left behind by B.C.

    I’m not sure, but “Christian pun hole” sounds like something that is distinctly unholy.

  39. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    #37 Spotted HØrse
    I’ve been hit with something like that once after a presentation, a comment about something totally irrelevant. I was completely disgusted with the person for being such an obvious cretin.

  40. Härry Päratêstës
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    Just playing around with info from a website

  41. Fried Froid w/ Squid
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    22 – SecretMargo:

    Thanks for the explaination, now I understand that McEldowney might strike some as being smug (see ). About the compliment, I was going to say weasel vulgar-liquid, but I feel that Mary Worth is the type to actually make broth as a drink!

    To everyone- I feel that a good thread not only includes snarks, jokes and commentary on the daily comics, but also:

    fascinating links
    dictionary words
    several items to Google
    obscure cultural references
    musical numbers
    interpersonal digs

    and one nsfw link by Dingo that will melt your eyeballs

  42. Spotted HØrse
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    #39 Harry Paratestes:

    I was completely disgusted with the person for being such an obvious cretin.

    Probably was my dad’s GTSHG, all grown up. I hope you screamed, “No, you SEECK LEETLE MONKEY!”

  43. naugahyde
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    Is the girl in the center panel of Saturday’s Gil Thorp whacking herself in the back of the head with that baseball bat???

  44. Red Greenback
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    Good Wing Sauce! I’m so undergunned here! Youse peoples is on FIRE!

  45. Härry Päratêstës
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:29 pm [Reply]

    #42 Spotted HØrse
    No, much though I wanted to throttle the person, my boss and other senior engineers were present, so I just did the sound engineering choice and said nothing.

  46. Mibbitmaker
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    Live from New York*, it’s Saturday Night!:

    *(Okay, not from NY in my case, but at least it’s night)

    BBailey: re: the background drop-off: Maybe the part behind the tree is the cliff that Sarge keeps falling off of.

    (DT) Gli Thrpoe: Apparently it was inconvenient, since infield practice has been changed into an evening walk instantaneously. And yes it beats being hostile, just ask Molly Bear.

    A3G: Oh, don’t tell me Tommie’s psychic too! Spooky woman/moon connection calling. The shift from soap to fantasy series is well under way.

    FOOB: April: “Curses upon you, Gerald!” I hope Lizardbreath Junior isn’t the only one being sarcastic in the last panel.

    RMMD: Peter’s pretty pissed; horribly huffy, Hugh!

    hf!hf!hf!…… stupid, stupid Worthitudes (to coin a terminology mash-up)!

  47. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    Rolly Church of Crete, you’re right! We’s whippin it up!

  48. Pendragon
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    25 – American Idol – You can get some of your Steve Canyon fix at

  49. Pendragon
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    Did I miss the countdown to Popepost 1100?

  50. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    #41 Fried Froid w/ Squid
    OK, you asked for it: a link with a review of a book about Dancing with Cats
    OMG, there’s some serious pic goodness there.

  51. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    Forgot the link about dancing with cats

  52. John H.
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    God, I thought Herb and Jamaal couldn’t be any more smug after last time.

  53. Pendragon
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    Okay, apparently the absence of Humorous Maximus is temporary but there are some
    interesting circumstances.

  54. Mibbitmaker
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    All the talk in the last two threads about Thorpstock variations: The original is still the best: Hobbestock. All sorts of freaky, spacey imagery swirling around, but all from imagination, not drugs.

    Actually, what if Thorpstock gets out of hand? Say, someone gets scary big bad football players as security, and one of them attacks a patron with a barky stick while the Milford High Glee Club sings along, not noticing. Soon enough, the whole fiasco gets renamed “Thorpamont” (or is that “Altathorp”?).

  55. SecretMargo
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    51: Oh my God! I have the preceding volume, Painting with Cats! And I have to admit it rocks my socks. I especially like the profiles of installation artcats, like the one who batted all but the red magnetic letters off a refrigerator door for a piece called “Red Letter Day.”

    Genius parodies of overblown artistspeak. I’ve not read the dancing one, but I give it the benefit of the doubt.

  56. Kurdt
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    Flealick : For some reason that site made me kind of sick to my stomach. Fill your shelves up with Reader’s Digest condensed books, encyclopedias, and other literary castoffs that you can easily get at garage sales and flea-markets just to make it look like you’re well read. Ug.

  57. andreavis
    June 2nd, 2007 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    Nice to see Herb ‘n’ Jamaal swiping their jokes from the marquee at my local Lutheran Church. On a related note, here’s a timely article from Slate on church marquees.

    Pluggers: someone might want to tell the PluggerDog family that any kid who watched Barney regularly, is probably in college by now.

  58. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 7:00 pm [Reply]

    #55 SecretMargo
    No way! There’s a kindred volume? Wow, I’ll have to snoop around for mention of it. Dancing with Cats is not just too bizarre, it’s three bizarre.

  59. Red Greenback
    June 2nd, 2007 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    TDIETfor: Mmkay, let’s get serious here. I’m still all at sea about “chokies”!?!?! Imean “sebmup” and “davenport” and “hassock” I get. But “chokies”??? I need a li’l help here, Mudges!

  60. True Fable
    June 2nd, 2007 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    #20: Fried Freud w/ Squid:


    I love this place more with each passing snark. DAMN, but that is good, puts my bee grinding to shame.

  61. Red Greenback
    June 2nd, 2007 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    HarryP-That’s just the best thing in the history of ever! I especially di-g-g-g the caption: “When Ralph dances with two cats, the energy fields can become confused. Instead of power being released through well-controlled movements, one cat makes sudden mad dashes and leaps. Cats who do this on their own are often good dancers.”

  62. Dean Booth
    June 2nd, 2007 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of Electric Kool-Aid, here’s Thorpstock.

  63. LTBF
    June 2nd, 2007 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    The guy with Lt. Flap is a major. Don’t know his name.

  64. SecretMargo
    June 2nd, 2007 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    58: Monsieur Paratestes: I was excited and misremembered the title: it is Why Cats Paint: A Theory of Feline Aesthetics

    But the cover looks similar to the Cat Dancing one, and the tone sounds similar, so I bet they’re part of a series. I’m not actually that much of “cat humour” person, but they’re really more parodies of art magazines/monographs than Cat Fancy-like cute-fests.

    My other favourite parody in this vein is the fantastically droll Field Guide to Little-Known and Seldom-Seen Birds of North America. A must for the O’Fogeyette-esque in your acquaintence.

  65. SecretMargo
    June 2nd, 2007 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    59: Red — A reference to artichokes? That’s how I took it, at least (that’s the one that takes place at a grocery store, right?).

  66. Red Greenback
    June 2nd, 2007 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    #65 SecretMargo- Yeah, that’s the one, but just to make sure I’ma email the Big Guy at just to find out whats what. I sure hope he meant artichokes!

  67. True Fable
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    It’s probably already been commented on, but I haven’t seen it yet: Why does the site have Thursday August 2, 2007 as the date on the right, on every single comic listed? Is The Amazing Yappi working there?

  68. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:06 pm [Reply]

    I think I’ll have to spring for the ‘Why Cats Paint’ and ‘Dancing with Cats’. I love mock-serious stuff like that, especially the mockumentaries of Christopher Guest, such as ‘This is Spinal Tap’ and ‘Best in Show’. Thanks for the title of the precursor volume.

  69. anameimadeup
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    I think it IS the Boob Barn, and Dag just wanted to stock up for his collection of pornographic literature.

    Beetle Bailey:
    What is even more bizarre is how the ground on the right side of the tree becomes sky on the left side of the tree in the second panel. It’s like Flap and the other guy are walking on some alternate plane of reality.

  70. Red Greenback
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    I, Clambake music
    I, Clambake music
    Why can’t you not “pull your head”, son
    Oh why can’t aim for the hole ,Mon
    We want to hit strikes

    3 o’clock – Thorpstock, curfew
    And I’ve got to throw away
    Yes I’ve got to throw away
    Yes I’ve got to throw away
    My little Thorpstock

    I, Clambake wisdom
    I, Clambake wisdom

    Take my soul and suss me out
    Check my stats if I am in doubt
    3 o’clock – Thorpstock
    And hey Mr. Cop, ain’t got no
    (What you say down there)
    Ain’t got no birthsuffaticket on me now

    I, Clambake music
    I, Clambake wisdom
    Take my bat and suss me out
    Check my stats if you are in doubt
    3 o’clock – Thorpstock
    And hey Mr. Cop, ain’t got no
    (What you say down there)
    Ain’t got no birthsuffaticket on me now.

  71. AtomicDog
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:28 pm [Reply]

    #15: Really, why does Halftrack even care? If someone accused him of cheating, he could just re-assign them.

    Yeah, I hear Baghdad’s lovely this time of year.

  72. Paul-y-o
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    The trick to BB is the 5 minutes before the strip. I only bring this up because it is actually kinda funny, unlike BB.
    Gen. Halftrack:
    Fuzz, there’s a promotion in it for ya if you can find my ball.
    Lt. Fuzz:
    [continues interpretive dance]

  73. Spotted HØrse
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:37 pm [Reply]

    #70 Red: Whattsa song? Whattsa song? …halp

  74. Red Greenback
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    Spotted HØrse -that was a truly shitty parody of “REBEL MUSIC (3 O’CLOCK ROADBLOCK)” by Bob Marley…Sorry!

  75. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Google provides:
    Rebel Music – Bob Marley

  76. Spotted HØrse
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:45 pm [Reply]

    Thanks gemptmen.

  77. Lapsed Librarian
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    #14 Bapp: Actually, the Nancy Drews were yellow and the Hardy Boys were blue. But, as far as books Dagwood wants to stock up on, I’m not sure which is more unsettling.

  78. Citric
    June 2nd, 2007 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    H&J – I bet that preacher just goes around saying “knee-mail!” and giggling to himself. That the statement previous could be even remotely related is something of a coincidence

  79. Red Greenback
    June 2nd, 2007 at 9:00 pm [Reply]

    Maybe I’m a perv, but “knee mail” sounds kinda nasty!

  80. Raznor
    June 2nd, 2007 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    A more philosophical question: Why are these two golfing together in the first place? Usually Halftrack is willing to humiliate himself by hiding under his desk or hanging out the window just to avoid a few loathsome moments spent with his subordinate. Surely any golf outing with the two of them would result in the younger man being brained by a club somewhere on the front nine.

    Actually I don’t think I’ve ever seen Halftrack jump out the window to avoid Fuzz. I think you’re thinking of Major Major Major Major escaping Yossarian in the actually fun Catch 22. Shame on you.

  81. Old Bean
    June 2nd, 2007 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal:

    ‘And unto every Kneecap pertaineth an Hole. And in this Hole shalt thou lay thine messages and humorous pictures of Cats. And whilst thou sleep small Angels shall visit every Knee Hole and make haste unto God with what dwelleth therein. And this shall be called the Mail of the Knee.’

  82. Red Greenback
    June 2nd, 2007 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    “There’s a Gitmo in my pants, and it does the Gonzo dance”…Sorry…B52′s

  83. Red Greenback
    June 2nd, 2007 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    Enjoy the waitress, she’s made entirely of veal!

  84. Maughta
    June 2nd, 2007 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    I dare ya to look at today’s (6/2) Close to Home (without the caption) and try and keep your mind out of the gutter. I double dog dare ya!

  85. Red Greenback
    June 2nd, 2007 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    I’ma Hellen Keller my posts from now ’til Sunday…IE: this means “I’m in a glass box” and this means “I’m walking into a stiff breeze” and this means “I’m a personal friend of Shields and Yarnell”.

  86. Dingo
    June 2nd, 2007 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    Let’s thank the dark gods that the people in SC threw the team a clambake and not an interracial gangbang. I just couldn’t continue reading Gil Thorp with an old man calling himself Miss Cegenation.

  87. Dean Booth
    June 2nd, 2007 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

  88. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    Nice job, Dean. It might be really interesting if one did the
    ’95 Theses of Mary Worth’ nailed to the door of Charterstone

  89. Old Bean
    June 2nd, 2007 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    Excellent stuff, Dean.

    (The placement’s a bit screwy on Firefox – Mary’s handy hints are covering up Vera’s whining… Hmm, now I think about it, it’s perfect. Don’t change a thing.)

  90. Old Bean
    June 2nd, 2007 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    Haha. Just got to ‘Try not being so depressed!’ A sensitive soul, our Mary.

  91. Fried Froid w/ Squid
    June 2nd, 2007 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

  92. Harry Paratestes
    June 2nd, 2007 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    OMG, electing Bill Keane to be the president of the National Cartoonist Society is like electing Yanni to be the head of the National Symphony Orchestra.

  93. Gap-toothed Starey "Hoooo!" Guy
    June 2nd, 2007 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    HOOOOOO! Looks like things are getting hot an’ steamy with gramps again.

    Just wanted to warn you guys.

  94. Ennui Willie Keeler
    June 2nd, 2007 at 11:21 pm [Reply]

    I didn’t belive it myself until someone pointed it out at This Week In Milford, but Thorpstock is real event going down in Louisville as we speak.

  95. ralph
    June 2nd, 2007 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know if anyone has addressed the possibility of a scheduling conflict between the Shawna-Marie wedding and Thorpfest.

  96. ralph
    June 2nd, 2007 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    whoops I meant Thorpstock.

  97. Gg83
    June 2nd, 2007 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    Is anyone else having problems with the RSS feed? I usually learn that this site has updated when I get a post from it on my Livejournal friends list, but this post and the TEK-ACT post didn’t show up there.

  98. crane
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    28: Pesch –

    Sunday’s Jump Start does manage to be unintentionally amusing, though, by getting its snippet of Chinese wrong. It looks to me like he just ran the phrase he wanted through a translating program, and failed to take into account that such programs can have trouble with idioms.

    Without giving away too much of the comic to those who haven’t read it, the Chinese phrase is trying to say, “look at my baby pictures”, and it’s clear from the context that the speaker is referring to pictures of herself as a baby. The translating program was apparently unfamiliar with the phrase “baby picture”, though, and rendered it as “pictures of my baby daughter” – which, considering the speaker’s identity, would be evidence of something very strange going on.

  99. Johnny Q
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    BLONDIE: The Boorish Barn?
    The Boogie Barn?
    The Boolean Algebra Barn?
    The Boo Hiss Barn?
    The Boozing Barn?
    The Boombox Barn?
    The Boo-Boos Barn?
    The Boondocks Barn?
    The Boopadoop Barn?
    The Boo-Hoo Barn?
    The Booty Barn?

  100. Edward
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    I think I’ve figured out the joke in BB, and it’s not actually as awful as you might think. The two coming over the ridge see the ball rolling out of the rough, where both Fuzz and Halftrack are looking for their balls (as it were). Thus Fuzz is prepared to claim the cheating as his own, if he gets a promotion, and maybe a glossy photo of Halftrack emerging from the shower. That last part is just speculation, though I’d call it confident speculation. QED.

    Blondie: Actually, I think it would be a great idea for the publishers of books on OCD to get together and pick out one colour, one cover design, one font, one size, and indeed one thickness for all OCD books…thinner ones could be filled out with blank pages. Think how much joy it would bring to the lives of those suffering with this terrible affliction.

  101. Cornwhacker
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:39 am [Reply]

    50, 55, 68, etc: There’s a third book to the series called Why Paint Cats:
    I heard the cats were actually “painted” in Photoshop, though.

  102. Trilobite
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    Avast, ye scurvy Sunday comics!

    A3G: The bland doctor guy who’s basically identical to Alan or Eric except for his glasses and labcoat is clearly in no hurry to get close to that gurney. I don’t think he’s moved within five feet of it since it came into his emergency room. Meanwhile, Tommie seems shocked and disgusted that her “friend” LuAnn would be so rude as to come into the place where she works and start having convulsions. Convulsions, of all things! That’s just not how things are done in A Large City Hospital!

    Judge Parker: I was about to say something about Neddy blowing off her first day in Paris as “Nothing exciting, really”: she started art school, got lost, talked to a whore, got chased through Paris by punks, was rescued by the Luger-packin’ Canadian Clark Kent, and then had dinner with one of Ted Nugent’s roadies! But now that I think back about reading all that stuff, she’s right. It really was nothing exciting; we might as well cut back to Sam and see what real estate deals are like in California. Maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll get to see some tax forms getting filled out!

    : Vera is once again afflicted by the Sunday Yellows. Just two more weeks to this storyline, if the reports are accurate, and we can count on the last week being basically a recap of the week before, so I expect that Vera will make nice with Von by Wednesday of this week and they’ll be back to their V.C. Andrews-esque lifestyle by Saturday.

  103. Cornwhacker
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    Followup to my comment #101. Snopes debunking and better photos here:

  104. Yitzchok
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal: Fortunately, most Baptist congregations are much more rational on this point than the Reverend.

    Distressingly, though, the Trinity Church is still solidly in the Reverend’s camp.

    And as usual, the Pope’s direct link to God has assisted the Catholics in finding a more detailed answer.

  105. Trilobite
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Curses upon you, HTML! You stole the Sunday Mary Worth link right out of my post!

  106. Prime
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    Dang it, Josh, you had to go and inspire me. I’ve been thinking about starting a re-captioning blog a la Dysfunctional Family Circus, and your comment today made me go and do it.

    A Comic Number — click my name to get there…

  107. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! We’ll see the color comics page turn into a giant SNARK PIT!!!

    A3G: Meanwhile, at Nonspecific General Hospital, Tommie and Dr. Bland marvel at the spectacle of a patient with… (gasp!) SYMPTOMS! Why, we’ve never seen that before! It would be hilarious if the patient being wheeled in was NOT Lu Ann, and we went into an unrelated plotline, leaving hers unresolved.

    FW: I agree… what? No, seriously, explain it, someone. Find the humor. I dare ya. I double-mastectomy dare ya.

    SFx: All right! Tetsuwan Atom! Weber gets mad props in my book. Dumb “mystery,” though.

    TDIET: Li’l Wombo broke the teevee remote!? You mean I’m going to have to go to Banal-Mart and spend $3 on a universal remote that’s probably easier to use than the first one? Oh no-o-o-es!!

    And, Scaduto, we all love ya, but I’m only gonna say this once: Back. The Fuck. Off. The Stooges. Ya get me?

  108. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    A3G Addendum: And she’s not convulsing. This is A3G; she’s probably just head-bobbling.

  109. Spotted HØrse
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    #87 Dean Booth: Love Mary’s 101 Platitudes. Problem is, I keep hearing them in Dr. Phil’s voice, which isn’t as much fun as it sounds.

  110. Lynngineering
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:37 am [Reply]

    BLONDIE: Blondie’s looking more youthful, curved and wasp-waisted than ever, stand aside MT, RM(MD) and other competitors, she still rules. In reality, that salesman in the last panel would be dumbfounded, mouthopen, staring at her rack instead of giving a damn about Dagwood’s shelves. A thought balloon would appear above him: “I know a bookcase I’d like to fill….”

  111. TB Tabby
    June 3rd, 2007 at 3:44 am [Reply]

    Today’s Slylock Fox reminds me of a post I made back in January.

  112. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 4:03 am [Reply]

    I love the way Blondie is “presenting” to Mr. Boo (padoop)? Barn clerk guy in panel three.
    #106 Prime-That’s some kinda wonderful! My fave’s the Mr. Wilson “colonoscopy” one.
    Mark Trail: Good Rolly Alligator Sauce!—Dean Booth has brain bleached me so bad, I see the back of Clambake’s head on those trees!
    RM,MD: Hugh Avery has some fine “Sunday Yellow” going for him today. Meanwhile, downstairs…That guy looks like a carrot!
    Mary: Okay, panel one gave me the vertigo something awful, then it went downhill from there.
    Momma: Momma’s an asshole!
    A#3G: “She’s CONVULSING! …Well it’s about time!!!

  113. Robert WS–
    June 3rd, 2007 at 4:08 am [Reply]

    For whatever reason, I recall a simular kind of ending to a golf joke from a strip back in the fifties, wherein “I let the boss win”, “What did you get?” “I got a raise in pay.”

    Lt. Fuzz just won’t get on his knees and beg the General for a promotion, or prove he’s capable. He waits to manipulate Halftrack into the situation. Halftrack could promote him, and have him transfered out of Camp Swampy as being “an exceesive rank”, but stupidiy rules over the military, and specificly, Camp Swampy.

  114. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 4:35 am [Reply]

    Blondie Boo Barn: What’s got me hornswaggled is WTF the rack(chill, you nasty minded people)…the CABINET has on it that ends with the letters “OR”?

  115. Lynngineering
    June 3rd, 2007 at 5:00 am [Reply]

    #114 Red G. “BOOKS – WHAT FOR”

  116. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 5:15 am [Reply]

    “The rabbi just called to say he’ll be a few minutes late, his grandma’s wheels fell off”

  117. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 5:47 am [Reply]

    Maybe it has books about “Dealing with Torpor”
    Or maybe it’s filled with books about that Swedish meatball lovin’ wrassler “All things Tor”

  118. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 6:06 am [Reply]

    The politically correct terminology is “Camp Wetlandsy”

  119. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 6:12 am [Reply]

    *Tapp-Tippity-Tapp Tap* “Hello? Is this thing ON?” Veal?

  120. Harry Paratestes
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:03 am [Reply]

    MW: Know Von, know peace. No Von, no peace. Capisce?

  121. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    JP Atta girl, Neddy; don’t tell Sam about nearly getting ravished by Parisian punks, or that your auntie’s butler has odd but lucky timing and habitually carries around Lugers AND thinks nothing of stripping said punks down to their undies and leaving them tied up. He’s got his own deal going, so feel free to let SuperCedric serve you tonight (nod nod, wink wink, say no more!) and you can still tell Sam “nothing’s going on.”
    Abbey, you’ve got my number. Call me. ;-)
    And Sam! Remember to let Sophie handle the real estate deal. Your job is to stand around and look manly; let the kid with the only brains in the family do the work, pal.

  122. Pere Ubu
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    Maybe the bookstore’s name is actually “Boo Barn”? See, it’s haunted and all…

    …nope, I got nuthin.

  123. TB Tabby
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    We don’t talk about Tiger much, but I think today’s strip is worth mentioning. Sore throat medicine taken in suppository form? I get the feeling this pediatrician will be recieving a malpractice suit in the near future, if not a prison sentence.

  124. dreadedcandiru2
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    FBoFW: I’m guessing that when Lynn drew this, she must have thought ‘It’s time to assasinate Jim’s character today!’. That’s the only possible reason she’d be implying that Chinnuts is taking his sweet time recovering ’cause he digs being treated like a toddler by pretty young women.

  125. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    FW I assume we are supposed to care about these characters enough to chuckle in amusement when we see these fellows out of their usual bum threads and resplendent formal wear.

    However, I’ll just nod and say, “looks good” and that’s that. The BIG laugh for the guys will come when they see the Gunther-esque prom dresses the girls will shell out hundreds of dollars for, only to wear once and maybe again if they enter a pageant somewhere. A pageant for ungainly fashions, that is.

    I suspect Batfink left his sense of humor on a shelf somewhere. It’s not funny, not that FW ever is these days.

  126. Buck Ripsnort
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    BB: What everyone fails to consider is that, as mentioned in several comments earlier, is that Camp Swampy itself is an outpost in an alternate universe. Lacking a Star Gate, Halftrack can’t ship the annoying Fuzz to Bagdad; indeed, the entire base seems to be unaware of any war going on at all.

  127. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    #123 TB Tabby: The disturbing image of the last panel in which Tiger is bent over and prepared for entry, is a good reason not to mention this strip again. And yes, the doctor will be seeing prison time very soon.
    “You want me to do WHAT to my son?! You bastard!”

    No, Tiger, you can’t volunteer to take it for him. We know why your throat is sore.

  128. queek
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    9CL: “Yorkie suicide” I love it.

    Phantom: metal tunnels? wtf?

    Sfx: Moose & squirrel!

    RiR: mmmmmm, Motorcycle Rose. (and garlic breath)

    Foxtrot: give it up, Amend.

    PBS: Max and Zach. I suppose Gage and Dingo would have been too obvious.

    Prince Valiant: rumors of Skymir’s demise seem to have been exaggerated. Hard to keep a good bear down, I guess.

  129. Craig
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    #7 / willithompson: 127 (and countin) comments later and no one gave you props for your Mamet/Clancy combo reference? Shit, people. Give the man his ups. I’m pretty sure that in the history of the English language, that’s never even been attempted, much less executed perfectly while sticking the landing.

    I just enjoyed it, is all I’m sayin’.

  130. willethompson
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    Whoa, #127 Craig! Uh, gosh… (scuffs toe in dirt, looks a little embarrassed)…if I’m ever in your neighborhood, I’m buyin’. And cooking the wings.

  131. willethompson
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    In other news, #28 Pesch (a la Frog?) warned us. Yes, scooping out my eyes with a rusty shoehorn and cauterizing my optic nerves with boiling Clorox would have been far less painful than seeing Granpaw Chinnuts fantasizing on the possibility of a ménage à trois heavy on the nurse sauce.

    MargoBoxcarSATURN! For all we know, this guy may be the only living participant of the Dieppe Raid, give him some freakin’ dignity!

    RMMD: Hugh, the man who could have teleconferenced to the board meeting that would have ended in the exact same way because Heather voted the MAJORITY OF SHARES is hot on the trail of Rex Morgan. Take a knee, people, this’ll take a while. I hope Heather puts him up in the room where she stored her nanny supplies. Give Hugh a Where’s Waldo book – he’ll be lost for hours.

    JP: That’s IT? Roger the Roadie walks in long enough to pick up a cheque for the sale of the condo, Rachel ISN’T boffing Groves (she just nuts), Cedric SuperButler packs his whisk and full-tine fillet knife and goes to save other lucious young things from Iroquois expatriots all because we need to see some Napa Valley snobs argue about, oh, I don’t know, underhanded water rights machinations that have already been hashed over in Chinatown and any number of Perry Masons??? No more sweaterpuppies or oblique shots of Abbey’s loamy loins? Margo THAT! Gimme the shoehorn and the Clorox.

  132. John C Fremont
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    A3G – Gee, Lu Ann’s little adventure seems to be wrapping up with surprising speed. I’m guessing that Bolle and Trusiani are getting as sick of this storyline as the rest of us.

    But what about Albert Pinkham Ryder?

  133. Motorposus
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Oh goody. It’s Grandpa Jim starring in “I May Be Old and Incapacitated and Have Testicles on My Chin, But I’m Still Kind of Horny: Part XXXIV”, full-color Sunday edition. Well, enjoy your damned physical therapy, Jim. At least Lynn Johnston loves you enough to care about your wistful yearnings. See old Iris over there? No one has spoken to her in over a month. Do you think she gets so much as a shoeshine from a young hottie? Damn you, Lynn! Damn you to hell!

    [apoplectic fit]

  134. Pinback65
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    BB–Boy, Beetle and Sarge sure do hate each other, eh? Because, really, what’s funnier than loathing and despair?

    JP–Dammit, don’t give us one brief, teasing panel of Neddie posing coyly in the doorway! We want some kind of release. If you’re going to bring a gun on stage, it had better go off. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

    MT–Hard, heavy wood!

    Slylock–Bad touch, Bullwinkle.

  135. Herro!
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    A3-G: Are we supposed to believe that, as an NYC ER nurse, a convulsing, unconscious female is gasp-worthy? No wonder Tommie is so dull; the doctors on Grey’s Anatomy see worse pretty much every week, and they’re still more concerned with the people they’re bonking. “An ice pick through the head? It can wait; I have to decide if McDreamy is right for me!!!” Yet Tommie, the only one out of the three with the potential to even resemble an interesting person, is experiencing the worst she’s ever seen in her long, monotonous career as an ER nurse.

    Garfield: It’s funny because it’s true. And as the ownee of two cats, one of whom cannot resist sitting on any paper left out, that means it’s not funny at all, just true.

    JP: No, nothing interesting, Sam…just another first day in a new city I’ve never been to before…nothing cool happened, just chilling here in Paris, thwarting would-be punk thieves, getting rescued by super-butlers, buying multi-million-dollar apartments, losing my books, being berated for not speaking French, ignoring the culture and tourist attractions of one of the most visited cities on the planet, and finding out that my aunt has dementia…::yawn:: just another day, how ’bout you?

    FOOB: No comment. My horoscope today said I’d have trouble putting the profundity of my feelings into words, and it was right. No words exist to express the queasy disgust that accompanied this misogynistic perversion. Any young woman who’s been approached by a lecherous old man knows what I’m talking about. Truly, words escape me. I guess that’s one way in which I can relate to Jim. Boxcar!

    At least Mutts always gets a smile out of me. :-)

  136. John C Fremont
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    MW – After weeks and weeks of throwing out random quotes that make her seem both “smart” and “wise,” Mary ends today’s strip with a sports reference?!

  137. Sugardoots
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    That’s it. I’ve hit the wall. Mary Worth is now dead to me until this whole “Vera & Von” plot is finished. I have never experienced anything so tedious in my entire life. Someone please send me a note when and if the story picks up again.

  138. Prime
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    112 RGB: Thanks! Mr. Wilson’s colonoscopy is my favorite so far, too. I’m also doing caption contests. Whee, fun!

    Incidentally, how do I get the Chron site to load the Sunday funnies? I got nothin’ …

  139. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    #138 No, thank YOU Prime! Here’s where I go for Sunday fun:

  140. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    #138 Prime, #139 Red -

    Can’t beat Dean’s Sunday Reader!

  141. SecretMargo
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    BB: ….just lots and lots of angry sex.

    PBS: New favourite couple! Don’t you want to hang out with them on their veranda drinking zebra smoothies and cracking inappropriate Falwell jokes?

    FW: The shadowy gloom suffusing everything makes even the most lighthearted moments seem like presentiments of disaster. Which of these boys, their fragile, nascent masculinities threatened once more by their intimidatingly mature dates pointing at their crotches and giggling is about to melt down and take his date and the rest of the tux rental shop down with him in a firey orgy of destruction and misspent testosterone? My money’s on Baldy there.

    Plus, everything’s so murky I had to put my nose on the computer screen so even see the tuxes that were the ostensible “focus” of the “humour.” Bahhhh!

    MF: I’m sure this is supposed to be some sort of hateful swipe at the “PC”-police and their hang-ups about ridiculous non-issues like “racism” and “misogyny,” but the cartoon itself is so weirdly charming, with its old man shouting into a dairy case, that it comes off more like an episode of Ballard Street. Will wonders never cease.

    9CL: Can’t this be like Lio and spare us the interminably awful words that spew across the rather charming art? I especially liked the “throwaway panels” on the top. But if no one in this strip ever utters the word “objectify” again, it will be too soon.

  142. SecretMargo
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    138: And the Seattle P-I fills in the strips the other two sources leave out (9CL, etc.):

  143. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]


    FC: Because you demanded it, True Believer. It’s a glimpse of the night Billy was conceived. Did Bill have the Manilow record cranked for his special lady? You better believe it. Here we see the moment Barry was hitting the high note on “Can’t Live Without You” and Bill had just found Thel’s bra hook.

    Zits: This is too gruesome. I have the sinking feeling the “casserole” Jeremy just ate was Ma Zits’ temporal lobe.

    FBOFW: So Jim will dream tonight of a threesome with his two young physical therapists. If that doesn’t motivate him to speed up the recovery, nothing will.

    Shoe: Who cares what the show is called? It’s got great big bouncin’ bird boobies. Which may or may not be possible.

  144. Trotzenbonnie
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    FW – I’m not a guy, although I do like to dress up like one every chance I get, so please, masculine ‘Mudges, help me out with this one. Would any of you, given your druthers, go to a prom? Is it the dream of every boy to put on a used tuxedo, munch on tepid green beans almondine and dance to some tinny rendition of “Colour My World”? Is it ?!!!! (Yes, it’s be several decades since I’ve been to a prom.)
    So, if you’re forced into attending this freak show and then, when you try on your monkey suit, the girl laughs at you, is that right?
    And who is chemo boy in the blue cummerbund?

  145. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]



    9 Chickweed Lane is a ribald, humorous frolic! A frolic, I say!

  146. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    U(M)L and SecretMargo: All well and good, but who do I hafta “knee mail” to get to get the Sunday Thorp or Plugger?

  147. King Folderol
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    H&J – The reverend has rejected the literal nature of Herb’s question and instead chosen to approach it from an onticological standpoint. This doesn’t help Herb; I suspect that he’s not attempting to shoot the theological breeze, but rather has a bookie he owes money to and is trying to break Herb’s thumbs or a woman he’s knocked up and is trying to have struck down by the mighty hand.

    Blondie – Why did Dagwood build a bookcase he didn’t need? If it was in service of this terrible punchline, then he really shouldn’t have bothered.

  148. MossMoses
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    29. CanuckGuy – good one! Dagwood may need to wash his hands a few hundred times before he starts reading those OCD books…

    Mary Worth is spewing platitudes like they’re going out of style. It’s about time Vera tells her to STFU, leave her alone and start raising some funds for agent orange kids. In the real world you are really way better off not taking sides in familial or marital spats, yet Mary Worth does this with impunity and still remains beyond reproach, at the very pinnacle of the moral high ground.

    How did Sophie’s crippled leg ever get cured or did she just grow out of the limp? She used to walk with crutches and there was an episode where a quack doctor didn’t cure her but somehow miraculously now she walks crutch-free now. Does anyone remember her cure? The strip moves so glacially slow that she probably showed up homeless and destitute with Grandpa and Neddy at Spencer Farms a week ago and everything since has happened in a warped week of the physics defying JP time space continuum.

  149. spackles
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    FBoFW — According to the FBoFw website, June is Senior’s Month! Expect more fun with Jim and Iris. I won’t repost my (very poor) song parody from last month, but Jim and Iris storylines bring the Rolling Stones to mind: “What a drag it is getting old.”

    JP — I really like the artwork in the Sunday strip. I thought today was especially nice, but it needs better dialogue. Actually, that could be said of all the soap opera strips.

    MW — back when I got my comics fix from the newspaper, I wasn’t always sucessful in diverting my eyes from the corner where Mary lurked. It seemed to me that every storyline involved some uppity broad getting taught how to behave. In the Von and Vera story, Vera is clearly the one who was wronged, yet she’s still the one being worth-botomized. Well, I suppose now that I’m older I can take comort from the fact that, in an ever changing world, Mary Worth remains constant.

  150. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    #146 Red -

    Alas, no Sunday Gil Thorpe. Although I-Girl claims that’s no loss.

    Sunday’s Pluggers — if you dare.

  151. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:18 pm [Reply]


    Thorp! Thorp! Thorp!

  152. alamo
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    foobville and thorpapaloserville observations–
    jim and clambake both have chinballs
    the claw has migrated to foobville and is perched on jim’s thigh
    kervorkian is out of jail just in time for senior’s month. howzabout we give him a couple of referrals with these two old birds; get two and the third one free — we’ll toss in mary worth.

  153. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    #141 SecretMargo: omg, you crack me up! And I am indebted to you for helping me find a source for Sunday 9CL (every time I tried before, I could never get it to open. Don’t know what it was, my pc was being a bitch or something. Anyway, I owe you)

    #144 Trotzenbonnie: I don’t like to be forced into formal situations. I don’t mind dressing out for, say, choral concerts where every other guy is in tuxwear, and it’s not so bad spiffing up to please a certain other person as long as the effort is appreciated.
    But even back when I was a tad, I would dig my heels in and worn blue jeans with a tux jacket and little else, if my prom date had laughed at the tux shop. Sauce for the goose and gander, and all that.

    Zits I’ve heard women say, “Try squeezing a watermelon out of your ass, that’s what childbirth is like!” but Mama Zits has them ALL beat.

  154. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    Uncle Lumpymom: Glutton for punishment that I am, I delved whole hog into Sunday Pluggers, going so far as visiting the “Rec Room” and playing with the “harder” version of the “slider”.

  155. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    Lamont Cranston comes in Dairy Queen Blue? I’m not really sure if this has anything to do with the blonde’s woebegone expression. Is her eyeshadow warning her that her date’s a jerk? Someone help me, Me Dumb.

  156. Dicky
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    PBS: Yes, like everyone else, the only thing better would be if Pastis made them explicit.

    Opus: Uh, is this some sort of alternate timeline? I thought it was stated near the beginning of this strip that Buckley had run off to become a eunuch due to a bad nickname in high school after dating. Secondarily, Buckley doesn’t look the right age either. He should have what, 20 more years on him?

  157. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    Red, Red, Red -

    Why not go outside and have some good, wholesome fun for a change? It’s such a nice day, and I hate to see you kids all cooped up in the house.

    Really, get out of the rec room and stay away from the “harder” stuff — and don’t forget what that nice Uncle Clamback told you about the “slider.”

  158. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    FC In regards to the new math, and since I am so bad at math, I’m not sure if this equation is correct:

    1+1=2+3 = 5/1 = (2×1) + (3+1) Marriage, parenthood, infidelity, divorce & custody.

  159. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    #157 Uncle Lumpy: I’m supposed to avoid the sun, so I snark to keep in shape. :-)

  160. Harry Paratestes
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    New math: 1 + (1×0) = spousal murder, probably could replace the 2×1 shortly after the 5/1

  161. Harry Paratestes
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    Also, it’s raining outside.

  162. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    FBoFW God forbid that I should end up like Grampa Chinnuts or Iris, i.e., stroked out and constantly lusting after nubile young things while married to Mrs. Potato Head, or being a Potato Head myself.

    Seriously, today’s strip is so typically Lynn Johnston.
    Every once in a while John will flirt with Elly as if they were newlyweds again, and that is a nice touch, it really is. He hasn’t forgotten to keep the flame alive and even when Elly’s being extra grumpy, in order to snap her out of it.
    But when Jim fantasizes, it’s not about Iris. Only Patterson women are alluring enough to be a direct fantasy; otherwise nubile strangers get Gramps going, and also-rans like Iris are the physical consolation prize. Turning the grandfather into a constantly smutty old lech is undignified. All that’s missing is for his chin nuts to bobble like Killer’s hat in Beetle Bailey.

  163. Cedar
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    Hey guys–what’s been going on with Watch Your Head this week?I was hoping for a Sunday comic that would clear everything up, but the weirdness has not been explained. Any ideas?

    Start here:

  164. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    #160 Harry Paratestes: good one! And 1+(1+2) = stepfamily.

    Would intermarriage be a number squared? And does Plugger math involve algebra to note the unknown factor?

  165. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    #163 Cedar: Man, I have absolutely no freakin’ idea. I don’t get 6/1 at ALL. The whole week looks like just a bunch of vignettes all stuffed in just to fill out the week before another storyline is started.

  166. Stranger…
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    Luann – I’m confused by the last panel. Is Luann’s dad suggesting that the proper thing to wear while worrying is a bikini and dress shoes and he’d like to see his daughter do that? A disturbing suggestion…

    Or perhaps he’d just suggesting that his wife wear a bikini and dress shoes while he “terrorizes” her? A disturbing picture as well… “Lets play Osama vs. the bikini clad infidel…and I’ll jihad your twin towers…”

    (with appologies to those of good taste…)

  167. Gg83
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    163 Cedar–I’ll probably get beaten to the punch on this, but here are some (possible) explanations for this week’s Watch Your Head (spoilers included, naturally). Bear in mind that I don’t normally read the strip, so I may be way off on some.







    The week in general: The cartoonist was attempting a “Lio” and trying to tell stories without dialogue.

    5/28: The guy is such a slob that, instead of washing and drying his underpants in order to get that fresh-out-of-the-dryer warmth, he just microwaves them.

    5/29: As the woman walks past the (obviously appreciative) guy, her butt is pinched. She shouts at him, but really it was the kid who did it.

    5/30: Umm…cats with parts of human skeletons are funny? I dunno.

    5/31: Person A is upset about the laundry lying everywhere. Person B doesn’t see what the big deal is, but decides to fix the situation so A will stop nagging. Of course, B’s idea of fixing it just means putting the laundry where you can’t easily see it, which doesn’t really solve things.

    6/1: I’m guessing that the joke is that Red Hat’s expression is so hardcore that Blinged-Out gets intimidated and moves away, but I don’t know.

    6/2: Probably either an explanation for the mostly dialogue-free week, or an A-Team joke, or both. Plus, blank word balloons can be funny.







    End WYH spoilers.

  168. Cedar
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, it was the 5/30 strip that really confused me. It had such a surreal element to it that I was interpretting surreality in all the other strips. Thanks for the explanation.

  169. Iris
    June 3rd, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    RiR: The Amazing Multi-Orgasm-Inducing Pickle!

    “Wrap up a barrel of ‘em, Pete!”

  170. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    UL(M)-I went outside for a while, but the sky has the complexion of Mary Worth food. Besides, I’m running two Ionic Breeze® QUADRA® s, so it’s all good!

  171. Jack Parsons
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    Sorry, Harry, that was me. I’ll do it every time. Here was a particularly egregious one:

  172. Ed
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    I think the bartender’s expression is hilarious, and speaks volumes of what it must be like to have some alcoholic, smartass priest in your bar all the time, making bad puns and stupid observations.

  173. Jack Parsons
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    And if that still does not soothe your paratestic sensibilities:

  174. Harry Paratestes
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    #171 Jack Parsons
    I’m not sure why, but that was a pretty funny PP presentation.

  175. jamoche
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    Nah, Dagwood is a really subtle joke, you see everyone who’s ever worked in a bookstore has had a customer come up who doesn’t know the author, title, or subject of the book they want, but they know it’s about so big and it’s blue…

    … or it could just not make any sense. I have never been in the situation where I had more shelf space than books; quite the opposite.

  176. Harry Paratestes
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    And I love the Helsinki Complaints Choir, so many of their complaints are universal.

  177. Jack Parsons
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    The “Why cats paint” crew are New Zipperlanders. Their first book was ‘Kokigami’, on the ancient Japanese art of folded paper condoms.

  178. Squid Countess
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    #26 D the A - In the gnostic gospels, which were nominated for inclusion in the Bible, but not chosen, you have…I believe it’s the Gospel of Thomas…in which an adolescent Christ zaps people in anger, Zeus-like. That’s pretty cool.

    #64 SecretMargo - Thanks for that bird book link! The cover art made me laugh so loud, I scared the cats. I’m not even a birder, but I’m purchasing that book. In re: why my family says “price of rice” instead of “price of tea”, (I think that was you, in yesterthread) I don’t know. But “price a’ rice” is more fun to say.

    #129 Craig - Don’t try to shame me when it comes to noticing WilleThompson’s bon mots. Where were you when I caught his “Zen koans in a fountain”? Nowhere, that’s where.

    Boo Barn What would Dagwood bring in to a used bookstore? There’s a scary thought. I did “intake” in a used bookstore for 3 years, and my favorite customers were a young couple who walked around the store dazed and glowing and grinning like idiots while I processed their books : The Joy of Sex; The G Spot; How to Please a Woman Every Time; A Christian’s Guide to a Happy Honeymoon, etc, etc. They had 8 or 10 of them. I don’t know if friends gave them the books as a joke or if they truly studied up, but they were very, very happy.

  179. Red Greenback
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    #173 Jack Parsons-i watched the “Helsinki Complaints Choir” vid three times in a row. It made me laugh and cry at the same time! Thank you Sir!

  180. Dean Booth
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    #146 Red. I was passing through on my way to yet another HS graduation dealie, and saw that you missed Sunday Pluggers. I’ve added it, Lio, and 9CL to the Sunday line up and also added links to the daily Chronicle BW strips.

    Links to Comics

    I also added entry fields for the date. No thanks required; I’m more than paid back in snark. I’m also lucky that I do this kind of thing for a living, ’cause it is such an engaging and soothing activity for me. lol

  181. Dean Booth
    June 3rd, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    P.S. Notice that there’s no need to add a date on to the URL. It does today’s day by default.

  182. SecretMargo
    June 3rd, 2007 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    178: Countess–Those books were a family favourite growing up, so I’m glad I can pass along the love!

    (plus: there’s a sequel, equally good.)

    (and no, I don’t work for any of these people, I promise)

  183. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    #180 Dean -

    And yet. . . still no A3G?

    Just kidding — I’ve updated my Favorites with your link, which will forevermore serve as my gateway to the funnies.

    Blessings upon you!

  184. BTS
    June 3rd, 2007 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    Herb and Jamaal only freaks me out even more because of the grammar. He uses the subjunctive mood “were” to indicate that God ever being a physical being is impossible. Is Mr. Bentley a Unitarian? Or just some really uptight Baptist who forgot about Jesus for a second? There’s some ancient Gnostic heresy involving the denial of Jesus’ being both flesh and spirit, but it escapes me…maybe he’s one of them…

  185. Prime
    June 3rd, 2007 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    Oh, Dean, I wanted to add a link on acomic number to your comics main page index to showcase your fab creations… what’s the url on that?

  186. Flealick
    June 3rd, 2007 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    #56 Kurdt: Yeah, people buying Readers Digest books for prestige was a bit disturbing. I enjoyed the website’s description of their advice of dividing feet by three to get yards as a “rule of thumb,” like it’s some piece of home-spun wisdom they came up with around the ol’ cracker barrel.

    Pluggers: Always disturbs me when I’m a Plugger.

    A3G: It sounds like an ambulance, doc. Can’t be sure, I so rarely hear such a sound here, at the hospital.

    FC: Apparently, when your children move out, you contract albinism. Actually, at first glance, I thought that the couple in the last frame were the grandparents we usually gaze on in heaven. I was looking forward to that math: 2-1=0, with a griefing spouse dangling from a belt noose. Maybe next week’s Funky Winkerbean can have the math teacher using that happy word problem.

    SF: I enjoyed the visit to the cartoon wax museum, though for some reason Bullwinkle just seems off to me. If I found myself in such a crisis situation, I, too would have tried to use a fan to save my priceless sculptures. Thank you, sexy comic strip aimed at toddlers, for making me feel like a jackass.

  187. SecretMargo
    June 3rd, 2007 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    187: re: A3G — Tommie’s reaction confused me too, enough that for a second I thought it was supposed to be the nearly weeklong “EEEEEE” that escaped Luann as she fell….so…..slowly….to…..the…..floor. It’s a testament to the extent of this strip’s inexorable descent into pure dream-like insanity that this possibility seemed plausable as it did.

    Next week: Did the moon awaken the wolf within mild-mannered Tommie? The fight between her long-suppressed bloodlust and her sworn oath to heal the sick, not eat them, becomes particularly poignant when the meaty meal in question turns out to be her convulsing blonde roommate, whom she barely recognizes from having last seen her in January.

  188. Moon Mullins
    June 3rd, 2007 at 3:58 pm [Reply]

    As someone who actually works in a “large city hospital”, Today’s Apartment 3-G really frosts my gonads.

    One, just because you hear a siren doesn’t mean it’s an ambulance or, even if it is, that it’s for your facility. Most ER’s wouldn’t have such crappy one-ply walls and windows to be inundated with that screeeee anyway. And when is that quiet night in any large city ER anyway? We’d all like to see that one in our shop.

    Two: OMG she’s convulsing! Medical professionals are stunned at the sight!

    In reality, seizures in an ER are commonplace, and about as shock-inducing to the staff as a runny nose. Unless there is something life-threatening causing those convulsions, no one would be overly alarmed.

    When people learn I work in an ER they often ask how it compares to the TV show ER. I answer that I don’t know because I’ve never seen it. Any time I start to watch a medical show, within moments I have screamed “Bullshit!” multiple times and have to be restrained from smashing the TV.

    So, I’ve never watched “ER” because I don’t want to have to buy a new set. I’m sure others on the board have a similar (if perhaps not so vitriolic) response when seeing their professions portrayed on TV. (/rant)

  189. Keg of Curd
    June 3rd, 2007 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    Did the moon awaken the wolf within mild-mannered Tommie?
    Gawd, I hope so. That’s the kind of story I want to be reading about.

  190. ThisWas
    June 3rd, 2007 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Yesterday, Trilobite wrote “Also, I hope a patient throws up or bleeds all over Tommie’s ultra-prudish lime green Victorian blouse, to teach her to put on scrubs when she’s working.”

    Either this wish was granted or the Sunday colorist wasn’t paying attention.

  191. Trotzenbonnie
    June 3rd, 2007 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    #189 – Moon
    You said it, brother.
    I avoided the show ‘ER’ for years because nobody looked like George Clooney at National Hospital for Orthopaedics and Rehabilitation in Arlington VA where I worked for five years. (I got over it and watch the re-reuns now because…hey! It’s George Clooney!) And what hospital has doctors just standing around the emergency room waxing poetic about the whine of an ambulance siren?

    BTW – for the first year I worked in the OFF-SITE billing department of NHOR. When I got transferred to the collections department right next to the ER I had to get insurance info directly from a patient. I stumbled back to our office, white faced and said to my boss “Oh my God! There’s sick people out there!” What a maroon!

    I must say, you all have been stunningly funny during these past two days that I haven’t had more than lurking time to devote to the Curmudgeons. Thanks for the all laughs–you know who you are!

    Where is Poteet, dammit!

  192. Jamus The Bartender
    June 3rd, 2007 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    9CL: The whole time Edda was talking with Beefcake the ballet dancer/buddy/roomate I was wondering what kind of underwear she had on. I’m a bad, bad man.

    Luann: Would much rather see Luann in the above mentioned bikini than see her talking to her mother about it for four panels. I know…bad, bad man again, but …..really Evans…

  193. Jamus The Bartender
    June 3rd, 2007 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    Oh…almost forgot…
    FOOB: Can we get a happy ending for Grandpa Chinnuts, pleeeease Lynn? I know it goes against the whole neo-conservative-mother-as-goddess thing you’ve got going on here, but….as Lenny Bruce used to say…”JUST PLEASE TOUCH IT…” aahh..I give up.

  194. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 3rd, 2007 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    BTS @ 184: Hate to be the one to deprive you of that comfortably familiar feeling of religious persecution, but the subjunctive “were” is gramatically correct when using a conditional “if,” regardless of the probability of the possibility being discussed. “If I were a nitpicking grammarian” (which I clearly am) is as gramatically correct as “If the moon were made of green cheese” (which it demonstrably is not). You always use “were” with “if.”

    Not to mention that had he used the construction I suspect you’d favor — “when God was a physical being” — the joke wouldn’t have worked, ’cause e-mail didn’t exist in Biblical times.

    Repeat to yourself, it’s just a comic. I should really just relax.

  195. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 3rd, 2007 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    Naah, who am I kidding? I love being the one to deprive you of that comfortably familiar feeling of religious persecution.

  196. Jamus The Bartender
    June 3rd, 2007 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    Slylock Fox: Today’s Slylock was my favorite right after the basement pipes one and the ones where Cassandra was tied up/wearing rubber/ in a schoolgirl outfit.

  197. willethompson
    June 3rd, 2007 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    Uh, #128 Queek… Gadge is straight. Not that he and Dingo don’t communicate, or have equally sharp wits, but I wouldn’t compare them to the new PBS lion couple…just FYI…

  198. commodorejohn
    June 3rd, 2007 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    A3G – In what alternate universe do ambulances go “SCREEEE?”

    BB – This is by far the most action I’ve ever seen in Beetle Bailey. The most action…and it’s them playing Ping-Pong. In a strip that is, theoretically, about the military. I’m not asking for a Winkerbeaning, but could one of them maybe SHOOT something once in a while? Or even do some firearm tests? Still, this strip captures the Beetle/Sarge dynamic rather more verbosely than usual.

    Blondie – That last panel, taken out of context, changes your whole view of Dagwood.

    Crankshaft – Batiuk clearly has either no idea what hot flashes are or no idea how global warming works. Or possibly both.

    Crock – Crock gives orders to his logo. Panel 2 (of the actual comic) features a truly horrific lump-face thing that I assume is supposed to be Crock as seen from the front.

    DTM – Dad’s statement in the second throwaway panel indicates that Dennis is still an active Menace Force. Maybe we’ve been looking at this all wrong, and in Dennis’s world people are threatened by the things we find nauseating heartwarming. Dennis is a menace when he introduces copious amounts of sap, syrup, sugar, and treacle into the strip, like today. Also, since when did DTM have video games? What controller is that? It’s like…the lovechild of a Sega Genesis and Nintendo 64 controller.

    FC – Today’s strip co-guest-written by Lynn Johnston and Tom Batiuk.

    FOOB – Look, Lynn, we get that Grandpa Chinnuts has been character-assassinated into a total perv. That doesn’t mean we like reading about this again and again.

    FW – I’m in agreement: what?

    H&L – Given that the activities shown are about as menacing as Dennis (ooh, phrase coinage,) I’m going to guess that the panels depicting the debauchery to which Ditto refers in the last panel were cut by the syndicate.

    Lockhorns – Leroy is wastin’ away in Margaritaville. Also, add Wikipedia to the list of modern things incongruously included in the Lockhorns’ late-seventies world.

    MF – Tinsley has died and the Fillmore Thought-Provoking Script Unit 3000 has taken over. At least that’s my theory.

    SF – If it turns out that any of the conditions are fulfilled and Ted has to keep his expensive promises while jobless, I will laugh.

    SFx – Gary Larson once said that “once you draw Rocky the Flying Squirrel, you can never draw him again.” Today, Slylock Fox proves that sometimes you can’t even do that. Astro Boy is looking a little lanky, too, but otherwise, kudos on these cameos!


    TDIET – Ohhhh, no, Scaduto, you did not just put down the Stooges.

  199. Spotted HØrse
    June 3rd, 2007 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    SFx: I hereby joyously declare Sunday SQUID in today’s Slylock Fox. Hey, good news, everybody! Today we have Sunday Squid!

  200. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    JP Thanks to Dean’s nifty Time Tunnel, I found an astonishing fact! Check out the last two panels here on May 16, 2004 and compare it to three years later, to the day! Geez, Roger, do you consider it an improvement to go from Aged Aldo to Dog the Bounty Hunter?

  201. Spotted HØrse
    June 3rd, 2007 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    FOOB/#194 Jamus: You are correct.
    Gwampa is most assuredly not namby-pambily wishing he were 30. He’s wishing for a happy ending, but I don’t think that’s a procedure handled by homecare practioners. Maybe Iris can throw him a bone.

  202. Spotted HØrse
    June 3rd, 2007 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    Having just snarked, it is a shame that lots of elder folks don’t get enough physical contact. Anyone see “Wrestling Ernest Hemingway,” where Robert Duvall gives Richard Harris a shave and haircut? Very touching scene.

  203. John C Fremont
    June 3rd, 2007 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    # 190 – “Gawd, I hope so. That’s the kind of story I want to be reading about.”

    Yeah, that’s what I thought when this whole ghost thing started. If Bolle and Trusiani can’t get a ghost story right, I wouldn’t want to get too excited about how they’d handle a werewolf storyline.

  204. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    #202 -

    I’m with you, HØrse: “I’d like to be thirty” is a typo. If Lynn had any PR experience, Jim would have said, “I’d like to be ‘-30-’.”

  205. commodorejohn
    June 3rd, 2007 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    #204 – Tommie discovers she’s a werewolf, and everybody goes about their lives as usual. Six months later (newspaper time) she’s killed half the supporting cast, and everybody still goes about their lives as usual. After being shot while in wolf form by a werewolf hunter using silver bullets, she is only injured and not killed, leading to the revelation that she never really was a werewolf, her murderous rage under the full moon being attributed to PMS, and her memories of transformation labeled as hallucinations due to lack of sleep, considering she stays at the hospital all friggin’ night. The dead are buried, Tommie recovers, and everybody goes about their lives as usual.

  206. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Josh has trouble coming up with fresh titles for the “Comments of the Week” post every Sunday. We can help! Everybody can post suggestions, then Josh can have a contest where he picks the best one every week, and posts it, and calls it . . . .

    Oh. Never mind.

  207. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 3rd, 2007 at 6:27 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I just snuck a peek at 3G. Why is Luann being wheeled in by a Wal-Mart manager?

  208. Buck Ripsnort
    June 3rd, 2007 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    FC 6/3– Is mine the only soul black enough to look at this and think all 4 kids died?

    Slylock: What’re Popeye and Mighty Atom doing in the B section of the museum?

  209. Wellsey
    June 3rd, 2007 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    FBOW- When Iris said that bit about “the girls”…I sooo thought that was going in a different direction than it took. I’d have so much rather preferred hardcore shriveled peanut on shriveled peanut action than what I did have to see.

  210. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    June 3rd, 2007 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    #209 Buck Ripsnort — I also momentarily entertained the possibility that the kids had all died.

    That reminds me of a joke. It seems an older couple, who were ninety-one and ninety-two, went to talk to a marriage counselor to discuss the possibility of getting a divorce. The counselor told them, “With all due respect, Mr. and Mrs. Jones, there aren’t many couples your age who come to see me. Usually when two people are together for as long as you have been, they stay together to the end. What made you decide to get a divorce now?”

    Mrs. Jones replies, “We wanted to wait until the children were dead.”

  211. Spotted HØrse
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    #205 Unka Lumpy:
    “I’d like to be ‘-30-’
    Dim, rusty rustlings are sifting cobwebs loose from high school newspaper days… That means “end”, right? As in Gwampa wants to mercifully croak?

    I kinda figured he wanted to be mercifully sammidged between two lithesome women, two decidedly un-starey non-April bowlcutted non-Irises.

  212. Spotted HØrse
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    #212: As in the proto Apwil bowlcut from back in the day…. Iris has the same cut, in my jaundiced view.

  213. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    How did you know Jim has a shrivelled penis?

    Oh, wait.

  214. American Idle
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    #48 – Pendragon: Thanks for the tip.

    RiR – Maybe I’m not the only one who thinks that the strip should be re-tooled and become “The Wild Rides of Motorcycle Rose”, even if it means moving it out of the funnypapers and onto the web…

  215. Jack Parsons
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    #15: Really, why does Halftrack even care? If someone accused him of cheating, he could just re-assign them.

    Yeah, I hear Baghdad’s lovely this time of year.

    Not to mention the Eastern Front. SCHULLLLTTZZZ!

    I own a monocle! I bought the “classic 2″ in gold, +2 diopters. I shoulda worn it to the Make Faire; the 40+ babes would have really… No, I suppose not. until J-Pope fixes it from doing this:

  216. Moon Mullins
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    200 Spotted Horse:

    Are you calling Sunday Squid as in

    He knows what you did
    Time for Sunday Squid!

  217. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    #212 S. HØrse -

    It was a riff on “happy ending.” Too subtle for my own damn good.

  218. Moon Mullins
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    Dean, thanks for that cool links page for all the comics. Much better than sorting through some of the newspaper sites. It even enticed me to look at some strips I never do.

    After this sojourn, I realized that Pluggers look to The Lockhorns for relationship advice.

  219. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    #216 Jack P. –

    You were at the Make Faire? So was my 13-year-old, Spiff Lumpy! He was the good-looking one in the “Pluto — Never Forget!” T-shirt at the robot fights.

  220. Shlomo
    June 3rd, 2007 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    BB: Josh, it took me quite a while to figure it out but Fuzz notices that Hitler and Flap see someone cheating, but they don’t know if it is Halfass or Fuzz. He agrees to take the blame in exchange of a promotion (which in Beetle Bailey terms, means a blow job). As usual, Beetle Bailey sets a high bar for humor in comics.

  221. Jack Parsons
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    There have been rumors of painting hydrogen peroxide on black cats and waiting.

    Also, even more torturous: Siamese cats get their coloration because the hair follicles produce light hair when warm and dark hair when cool. The dark parts are the skin that’s always cold. And, they darken as they age because their slowing metabolism can’t keep their skin as warm.

    So: when you shave a patch on a Siamese for, say, a surgery, it grows out dark. “Surgery” is just an example, or it could be a code word. Or a very unwise safeword.

  222. Bitter Scribe
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    Wait a minute. Are you implying that books come in different colors?

  223. Poteet
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    # 192 — Very sorry, Trotzenbonnie. I am in fact not lying sick and alone in a puddle of bodily fluids moaning about the stubby fingers in DT, but have been dealing with a lot of work. I will try to catch up on comments as best I can within the next twenty-four hours, especially since my Sunday paper carried the Monday Foob and (maybe this has been mentioned) we’re finally returning to the glorious Shawna-Marie blowout storyline. I wish Lynn would provide us with an actual wedding date, but at least we know already that the bridesmaid dresses will be ugg-LEEE.

  224. Poteet
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:21 pm [Reply]

    I’m behind on comics also, and haven’t had time to read the new (shudder) Foob letters. I may end up lying in that puddle of bodily fluids yet.

  225. Poteet
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:29 pm [Reply]

    GAAAAH, Steve Canyon is down! (MargoBoxcarSaturn)! Puddle, here I come!

  226. slinkimalinki
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:31 pm [Reply]

    worrying about terrorism while wearing a bikini and heels: near-perfect summary of the miss universe competition.

    incidentally, how many danged aotearoans are there around here? i have my suspicions of uncle lumpy, and now jack parsons and cornwhacker too…

  227. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:39 pm [Reply]

    #227 Slinki -

    Alas, no: Californiapodean. But I watched The Fastest Indian all the way through. That’s gotta count for something.

    I used to say I’d watch Anthony Hopkins read the phone book. Now, having done so, I’m not so sure.

  228. Squid Countess
    June 3rd, 2007 at 8:53 pm [Reply]

    I can’t find it now, but you who said, in relation to FW, “I double-mastectomy dare ya, ‘” Bwhahahahahha…gasp..hahahaha! I mean, I mean, you’re going to hell.

  229. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    #229 S.C. -

    That was SSB.

  230. TB Tabby
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    Sunday’s Lockhorns inspired me to look up “cheapskate” on Wikipedia. t took me to this article, where I found that sure enough, Leroy is listed under “Notable Misers in Fiction.”

  231. queek
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    198: darnint. Got my Munions mixed up. *fails*

  232. Trotzenbonnie
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    Poteet! Phew! There was some mention of Steve Canyon awhile back and not a peep from you so I really got worried. Thanks for checking in.

    Uncle Lumpy and Jack Parsons – I saw the piece on Make Faire today on CBS Sunday morning. It was the coolest thing ever. I’m calling my dad tomorrow so he can help me make rolling cupcakes for Mardi Gras 2008! I’m trading in my artistic license for a pocket protector.
    And, Mr. Parsons, about the monocle and 40+ babes (and yes, for all of you snickering in the audience, there are babes over 40) don’t underestimate the sex appeal of Colonel Klink…

  233. Spotted HØrse
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    #218 Unka Lumpy: No such thing as too subtle!

    #217 Moon: Yeah man, you got it! Mark Trail, LoFo agent man!

    He knows WHAT you did!
    Time for Sun-day SQUID!!

  234. Spotted HØrse
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    #228 Uncle Lumpy:

    I used to say I’d watch Anthony Hopkins read the phone book. Now, having done so, I’m not so sure.

    My sister once defended her zeal for the first Mission: Impossible movie by saying that as long as the original theme music was involved, she would be satisfied with watching people mill around, cattle-like, in the lobby.

  235. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    Bitter Scribe @ 223: Books come in different flavors, too. I enjoy a nice glass of T.H. White wine with my Graham Greene salad, Anne Rice pilaf, Stephen King crab and Dave Barry cobbler for dessert. It’s literally mouth-watering.

  236. Jack Parsons
    June 3rd, 2007 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    Blondie Boo* Barn: Really, it’s 100 copies of a freekin’ 12-step program for OCD.

    12 steps or 1 step twelve times that never works and leaves the person just as debilitated? V.S. an SSRI every morning, which at this point is well-known to work? Such a moral, caring person wrote this book.

  237. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    #237 Jack -

    Tried it – couldn’t get the first step quite right, so I kept at it all night, and I still couldn’t get it right, but by morning I got it right but felt that I really ought to do it over again to make sure before I went on to the second step. I’m almost sure now – couple more weeks and I know I’ll have it.

    Am I posting too often? Can’t seem to stop. Weird.

  238. fizzy logic
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    In this week’s New Yorker, there’s a cartoon by what looks to be a new cartoonist. Man in a doctor’s office – doctor says to him, “Anyhoo, it’s malignant”. See, it is possible to have cancer be funny. Quick, funny, moving on. Not really possible in a daily strip, so don’t even try it – don’t try to make it not funny, either. Just don’t go there…is that so hard? Leave the cancer, and the funny, to the New Yorker.

  239. SecretMargo
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    237: Hol.E.Crap! Not only is it undoubtedly the book Dagwood is hauling multiple copies of in order to fill his bookcase with exactly uniform books, but the cover itself is like an OCD nightmare (or dream, I guess), with the black writing on the dark blue background that if you squint reveals itself to be crazed with thousands of little black lines dividing the space into infinitesimal, countable sections you can divide and subdivide to your heart’s content! I doubt any sufferers who bought it were able to actually get past that cover and read whatever advice lay within.

  240. Uncle Lumpy
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

    #237 Jack -

    Tried it – couldn’t get the first step quite right, so I kept at it all night, and I still couldn’t get it right, but by morning I got it right but felt that I really ought to do it over again to make sure before I went on to the second step. I’m almost sure now – couple more weeks and I know I’ll have it.

    Am I posting too often? Can’t seem to stop. Weird.

    Uh-oh. Crap!

  241. pesch
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    That’s all right, uncle, we’re all just waiting for the next contest winners to appear.

    Milling around, cattle-like, in the lobby, if you will.


  242. fizzy logic
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    I will invoke the name of O’Fogeyette to make the next post appear.

    Congrats, O’Fogeyette! Your Arizona Wildcats beat my Washington Huskies TWICE today to get to the finals for the Women’s Softball World Series. I’m sure you are out celebrating like a madwoman! (I knew the UW gals were doomed when the UW Men’s Crew won the national championship yesterday – can’t have too much of a good thing.) It sounds like it was a well deserved victory for your team!

  243. BTS
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    Spectacular Spider-Brick:
    Damn, time to get revenge on my lying old high school English teachers then.

  244. Jack Parsons
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:38 pm [Reply]

    I was sad for I had no directions. Then I met a man who could not give them for he had nothing to point with. I then howled with Schadenfreudien laffter. And shaved off my girlfriend’s mustache.

  245. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    #231 TB Tabby — A glance at the history of Wikipedia’s page on “miser” reveals that Leroy Lockhorn was only added on June 2nd. The IP address of whoever made that change belongs to someone in Monroe, NY, in the Hudson Valley. Was it one of us?

  246. Jack Parsons
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    Not a New Zealander, just another loyal subject of the island nation of Queen Calif.

    But I was very impressed by the movie Forgotten Silver. I had no idea NZ had such a rich background in industrial invention, and it’s such a shame such genius was lost.

  247. Poteet
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    # 229 — Squid Countess, awhile back, you very kindly and entertainingly provided me with the opening of the Pick A Little Talk A Little song about MT and invited me to take it away. Alas, my brain was not functioning sufficiently well to do so, but I did appreciate the invite.

    And I agree that “double-mastectomy dare ya” is an excellent FW line. I just read the Sunday FW and felt depressed as usual in spite of no disease being mentioned. Maybe it was the dark store lighting. Geez, stores around here are mercilessly lit to magnify every bodily flaw in every mirror.

  248. Jack Parsons
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    246: One of us! One of us! One of us!

    Or anyway, she is now.

  249. Poteet
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:57 pm [Reply]

    DT — Alas for Heidi. It’s apparent that DT was facing the problem of how to distinguish her from Tess, and the solution was to make Heidi’s hair longer and her face uglier. On the other hand, literally, I saw a set of almost normal-looking fingers on Tess in Panel Seven, which was cheering. Maybe she’ll encounter a man with normal chin and hands in California, be overwhelmed by the novelty, and have a wild fling.

  250. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    231 and 246: I would submit that Leroy Lockhorn doesn’t belong in a list of misers. A miser is someone who hoards money. Leroy’s just poor.

  251. MonkeyHawk
    June 3rd, 2007 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

    #247 — Jack Parsons wrote:

    “…I was very impressed by the movie Forgotten Silver…”

    I love “Forgotten Silver!”

    One of the great documentaries of our time! I read somewhere that the day after it first aired on New Zealand television, there was a groundswell of people determined to promote the genius of Colin McKenzie. Until, of course, you know….

  252. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    #225 Poteet, my queen! I covered the bases on the Foob letters at #295 in Beware the Dagwood Dragon thread, in case you prefer a shortcut through pain.

    It was okay for me, I snark for its nutritional value and her Foob letters are full of snarkables.

  253. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    A3g Who do NYC doctors turn to when they have a case that stumps them? Why, it’s the Hoo Boy of course! And I thought he was just a dumb gap-toothed Cannuck.

  254. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    FC Hold up there, Billy. You might want to ask your father who HE uses. My guess is, it’s that Flagston hussy Lois.

  255. True Fable
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    addendum to #255: Or it might be Hi. Your dad swings either way, according to Miss Buxley and Randy Parker.

  256. Gg83
    June 3rd, 2007 at 11:55 pm [Reply]

    195: The Spectacular Spider-Brick: According to Richard Lederer and Richard Dowis in Sleeping Dogs Don’t Lay*, your analysis is inaccurate. Quoting from page 97 of that book: “The subjunctive mood, or mode, is used to express a condition that is untrue or impossible (if I were you; if I were rich, etc.)….Our point here is this: Do not assume that an if-clause always introduces the subjunctive. Sometimes an if-clause contains fact.” For instance, I could say, “Last week I read each comic on the page. If the comic was funny, I put it on my reading list. If it was not, I screamed, ‘Curses upon you!’ and wished it had never been created.” Since I would be using the past tense rather the subjunctive (the comic was funny, really! I didn’t just wish that it were!), that would be accurate. While I think that the subjunctive is used properly in the comic, I believe that your correction (“You always use ‘were’ with ‘if’”) was an over-generalization.

    *and that’s no lie

  257. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 4th, 2007 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    I stand corrected in my orthopedic shoes.

  258. Uncle Lumpy
    June 4th, 2007 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    #257 Gg83 –

    Your useful post inspires me to correct my substitution of the simple perfect “had” for the past perfect “had had” in comment 205. I would not have done it if I had had my wits about me.

  259. Skullturf Q. Beavispants
    June 4th, 2007 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    Alice, where Bob had had “had”, had had “had had”. “Had had” had had the approval of the teacher.

  260. Cornwhacker
    June 4th, 2007 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    227, 228, 247: Neither Kiwi nor Californian here; I’m from Detroit.

    I guess I have to start watching more movies from New Zealand, too.

  261. Gg83
    June 4th, 2007 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    Oh, and also:

    #180, Dean Booth: You just constantly get more awesome, don’t you? That is really cool. I did want to report a bug, though–the “today’s date” feature gives the date as either June 4, 107 (my interpretation of 1070604), the fourth day of month 60, 2007 (according to the boxes at the top) or simply 4, 1999 (’s interpretation). It’s easy enough to fix manually, but I figured you might want to know about the bug. (I use Firefox.)

    #237, Jack Parsons, who wrote, “12 steps or 1 step twelve times that never works and leaves the person just as debilitated? V.S. an SSRI every morning, which at this point is well-known to work? Such a moral, caring person wrote this book.”

    You may have a point, but there are also several points against that argument. For one, not everyone with OCD wishes to use drugs as a solution, for various reasons (including side effects and lack of money for the medicine).

    Also, SSRIs don’t work for all people with OCD. The only way to tell, really, is to try one and see if it works, and you have to wait and see, during which time it helps to have some way of dealing with the symptoms. And if that medicine doesn’t work, well, maybe another one will work, except you have to wait until the first one is out of your system (or mostly so) before you can start the new one, so that they don’t cause interference problems, so that means another period of waiting without medicine to help you deal. And then that one doesn’t work very well and takes away your energy and sex drive, so let’s try another one, not forgetting the waiting period to get that old one out of your system. (Which isn’t to say that some people don’t get one that works great on the first try, because I’m sure some do. But it’s not always as simple as just taking any SSRI.)

    Finally, for OCD, medication works best in conjunction with therapy such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, rather than in isolation.

    I don’t know if the book linked to is effective for overcoming OCD, but the idea is neither obsolete nor useless.

    #240, SecretMargo: Depends on the particular OCD sufferer. Not all of us do the counting thing, nor dividing by particular numbers. (Which is good for me, because I suck at arithmetic.) And yeah, I do know you were joking, or mostly so. =) I felt sort of that way when I saw a game on an OCD webpage for kids. You played it by cleaning up things in a room, and every so often, new messes would appear, including some of the things that you had just cleaned. I thought, “Yay! A frustrating, never-ending battle towards cleanliness! That sounds like a great game, ’cause it’s not like I feel enough of that in the real world!” Maybe I was being overly sensitive, but it seemed like a poor choice of game for that site.

  262. Poteet
    June 4th, 2007 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    # 253 — Sir Fable MTK, thank you. I looked up your comment, and yes, it was a shortcut through pain (ow ow ow). Having been duly warned, I shall take the letters slowly. But I couldn’t resist Michael’s after your eloquent dissection, so I read it (OW OW OW). What a (boxcar) he is. Besides the (Margo)ing idiocies you entertainingly pointed out, he’s still talking about peeing in the Patterhouse to make it his. I’d like to (Saturn) him with a large (insert household implement of choice). (So to speak.) I’m going to bed to try to recover.

  263. Len
    June 4th, 2007 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    #100 — Are you implying that Lt. Fuzz is in lust with his commanding officer? Hoo hah! Think of all that saggy, wrinkled man-flesh glistening with Irish Spring suds…

    No fantasies HERE for General Halftrack. But I do remember reading Li’l Abner back in the day, and having a naughty thought or two about General Bullmoose! (Heck, while I violently disagreed with Al Capp’s politics, NOBODY drew sexier men OR women!)

  264. Jack Parsons
    June 4th, 2007 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    Dead end of thread….

    So, what would be a good game for the OCD? It would probably be the same as a good game for me: I hate doing things in games. I want it to be like TV, only point & click. Like Cosmic Osmo & Manhole, the games the Rand brothers did before Myst.

    Would it be a game with just a white screen?

  265. Trilobite
    June 4th, 2007 at 2:45 am [Reply]

    I think it just must be really difficult to pick out a COTW from the pages and pages of hilarious stuff that got posted last week. Can you imagine having to look through literally hundreds of lines of great material and trim it down to about a dozen?

    That’s a rough gig, man.

  266. Galactic Emperor Chennux©™®
    June 4th, 2007 at 5:17 am [Reply]










  267. TB Tabby
    June 4th, 2007 at 5:55 am [Reply]

    As promised, the lovely vixen was introduced in today’s My Cage. Sweet. If only more comics strips dealt in quality cheesecake, the page would be a lot more pleasant to read. As I’ve said before, if they’re not going to give us anything to laugh at, they can at least give us something to toss off too.

  268. Adam
    June 4th, 2007 at 6:03 am [Reply]

    It would seem that in today’s Chickweed, Etta has wet herself just thinking of the unicorn…

  269. M. Bouffant
    June 4th, 2007 at 6:04 am [Reply]

    Just read 266 comments to be sure I wasn’t double-snarking: so did anyone else notice that both Tess (Truehart) Tracy & Sam (Mr. Abbey) Fisher are heading to California at the same time? What if they’re both headed for (gasp!) Charterstone (which still sounds like rehab to me)? Or just an “affair?”

  270. dreadedcandiru2
    June 4th, 2007 at 6:43 am [Reply]

    Luann 2007/6/4: Well, when they said Ben was in the VA hospital, they called it. I guess later in the week his girlfriend/fiancee/wife shows up. Whaddaya wanna bet Bernice keeps that to herself so she can teach her ‘friend’ a ‘lesson’? Ben gets a purple heart outta this scenario; Luann gets a broken one to go with a broken friendship.

  271. slinkimalinki
    June 4th, 2007 at 6:46 am [Reply]

    199 — don’t worry, the banshees in a3g world go “NEE-NER-NEE-NER-NEE-NER”.

    unca lumpy et al — *slinks away, swishing tail*

  272. Klipper
    June 4th, 2007 at 6:49 am [Reply]

    9CL: “Sweetie, I’ve thought you were crazy since you started coming in the studio, doing splits and pissing all over the floor.”

  273. Fried Froid w/ Squid
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    I’m just waiting for the new thread to start… Lets go COTW!

  274. t.a.m.s.y.
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:08 am [Reply]

    The joke in Beetle Bailey is that Lt. Flap would ask for a promotion at all — a futile request, of course, given the Beckett-esque existential cage in which they’re imprisoned, frozen in time and space, eternally preparing for a battle that will never come. Halftrack’s blatant cheating only mirrors the way these men cheat death, while being themselves cheated of an opportunity to lead meaningful lives. (The other golfers are meant as a foil, serving to remind the reader of the real-world flux of which Flap is deprived; contrasting Camp Swampy’s perpetual stasis, the country club is the very portrait of socially evolved modernity, having now opened its membership to mixed-race gay couples.)

    That Flap nonetheless yearns for career advancement “anyway”, even when faced directly with the adamantine hopelessness that defines his own cruel existence, is both a celebration and a mockery of the relentlessness of the human spirit. Also, Gen. Halftrack is wearing a funny hat.

  275. Fried Froid w/ Squid
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:09 am [Reply]

    Oops, that’s “Let’s go COTW!”. Correct me if that’s wrong.

  276. athena
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:11 am [Reply]

    A3G: Tommie and Dr. Anonymous work in a city hospital ER and were having a quiet shift–so quiet that the sound of a lone ambulance could be heard to “split the night”? What city is this?

    When I lived in NYC it was impossible to record an outgoing phone message without recording a siren in the background.

  277. AllieCat
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:12 am [Reply]

    Hell to the YEAH! Shawna Marie’s wedding staggers forward like the debacle it is.

    I can’t wait to meet Anthony’s date!

    Oh, Liz – the utter humiliation!

    Bring it, Lynn!

    Also, in Funky Winkerbean – I’m really hoping Goth Girl Chien and Mopey Sidekick Pete end up going to the prom together, having s-e-x, and winding up “with child” – thereby briging Darren’s adoption + sex hang ups full circle.

  278. ltrftp(not so first time)
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:12 am [Reply]


    How about “Lt. Fuzz, Promotion In Retrograde” for the title of the Stage version of this episode of BB?

  279. ianscot
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:17 am [Reply]

    6/4: Erica Jong is dead, isn’t she? Who’s writing the super hot dialog for Mark Trail this morning? Mark’s going to join the 30,000 feet club this week.


    “I guess you do a lot of flying since you have your own plane!”

    “Yes, I fly for both business and pleasure. I enjoy being in the sky!”

    “Tomorrow, if you have time, we’ll check out the airport and area from the air!”

    “Sure, I’d like that!”


    The “flying” references, with the breathless exclamation points after every line…. Keep your hands on the steering wheel of your whiplashmobile, Mark-o.

  280. man behind the curtain
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    MW — June 2nd — One pardons to the degree that one loves.
    – Francios De La Rochefoucauld

  281. Buck Ripsnort
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    #252-Monkeyhawk– Holy crap, MY offline name’s Colin McKenzie. Damn, I promised I’d never google myself, now I have to. Thanks, both to you and Dean Booth.

  282. Calico
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    #267 – Either the GR Flag, or a bunch of walking, jabbering popsicles.

    COTW, where are you? It’s coffee and comments time!

  283. andreavis
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:48 am [Reply]

    FOOB: I’m sorry, that doesn’t look like a bridesmaid dress. A discreet boob rose? Pshaw! Where’s the butt bow? The miles of crepe? The ginormous skirt? I have seen MUCH better wedding garb right here on this site!

  284. Calico
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:55 am [Reply]

    FOOB – I really want to see Liz get wasted and puke all over Shawna Marie’s Crispy Creme gown, or at least all over Cinnabon and his nicegirl/child date.

  285. Jamus The Bartender
    June 4th, 2007 at 7:58 am [Reply]

    9CL: I nearly had a stroke upon spotting Edda spread-eagled on the floor this morning. I shouldn’t be allowed to read Chickweed. At all.
    Luann: On a more serious note, upon seeing Sgt. York in a hospital bed with an injured leg, my first response was “It could have been a whole hell of a lot worse”. I remember Yossarian from Catch-22 once said “Things could be a whole hell of a lot better” as well, but then Yossarian didn’t have two crazy females making him poisoned cookies from home. He did have a crazy prostitute try to stab him though….

  286. Dennis Jimenez
    June 4th, 2007 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    MT – What is this Mile High Club of which you speak?

    MW – Meet up, or HOOK up!?!

    RMMD – Hugh – Well, you can call me Ray, and you can call me Jay, and you can call me Raymond J. Johnson, Jr., but ya doesn’t have ta call me Peter.

    Archie – Replace painting with oral sex, and there might be the makings of a funny strip.

    JP – Oh boy – tomorrow PJ party with Nettie, Abbey, Rachel and Groves!

  287. willethompson
    June 4th, 2007 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    JP: Nope, nothing happening citizens, move along, go back to your beige-colored lives….

    But that’s just so…so…WRONG! Remember the first slow Hitchcockian reveal of Cedric? Remember when we first saw his face? Not just evil, but Hannibal-Lechter-fava-beans-and-a-nice-chianti EEEEEEEEEVIL!

    And the whole Aunt Rachel set up! Groves humping! Matriculating hookers! Iroquois expatriots in shibari bondage! Roger the Roadie turns out to be legit! And what about Neddy’s French Maid Outfit??? That’s IT? A tale told by an idiot, filled with sound and fury, signifying squat???

    Well, not for me! I want my final panel to be Abbey creaking open the bedroom door and seeing Cedric wearing only his bow tie and a smile frozen in mid-thrust atop of Neddy’s raised buttocks, holding lit sparklers and humming the Star Spangled Banner as Aunt Rachel, crouching in the corner wearing a beret and a monocle barks “Close the door, asshat! Can’t you see we’re taping a ‘Very Brady 4th of July??’” with the klieg light catching Abbey’s sweaterpuppies in full profile.

  288. Rebochan
    June 4th, 2007 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    TDIET: Social security check? Ranting at the service worker? Yep, this strip is drawn by a guy older than DIRT.

  289. Eyebrows McGee
    June 4th, 2007 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    Coming in late, but:

    H&J: I must preface by saying I have two degrees in theology. So usually I get God jokes.

    Since the set-up is that God is corporeal, I assumed that by “knee mail” the Rev meant kneeing God in the balls. Seriously. I decided that didn’t make sense, so I thought about it and decided it meant sitting on God’s knee at the mall like God was Santa, which I thought wasn’t very funny.

    Not until I read Josh’s comment did I get the joke. Which still isn’t very funny. And makes no sense with the whole “God is corporeal” set-up.

  290. Spoony Bard
    June 4th, 2007 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    Okay, I like to keep my comments away from gross-out stuff, blue material if you will, and focus on free form insanity; but, I defy anyone to look at todays 9CL and tell me it doesn’t look like she has peed herself. I know it’s just the skirt on her dance uniform but it looks a hell of a lot like a puddle. Just sayin’.

    DTM – Dennis earns some serious points here with a potential for extra credit depending on the severity of the beating he has just bought his father.

    MT – She likes to fly for business and pleasure, eh? Well, she’s told us about the business and now Mark will learn about wooden and unfeeling pleasure.

    FC – No. Seriously? They just said that? Okay, Thirty seconds on the clock aaaaannnnd, GO! 1 – Well, I hope you don’t feel that way about Daddy, because I’ve got some news…; 2 – Funny you should say that, because your birth mother just called…; 3 – Aparently you father thinks so and that Mr. Hallerman next door is good stand in; 4 – Stop hugging me, I’m just the nanny; 5 – I never should’a shaved that monkeyTIME!

    Hmm, not bad. I would’ve liked to have made it to 7 or so. Maybe next time.

  291. Josh
    June 4th, 2007 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    #194/5 SSB — The grammatical grounds have already been covered, but I’d just like to add that (a) you don’t have be religious to engage in the joys of theological pontification (see my own bloviation on corpreal vs. noncorporeal God in the main post, which is not based on any personal belief about the issue) and (b) pointing out that a supposedly protestant clergyman doesn’t really seem to have a grasp of basic Christian theology doesn’t really seem to me to arise from any sense of persecution, just a belief that characters who are supposed to know things ought to demonstrate that they, you know, actually know things.


  292. Hogen Mogen
    June 4th, 2007 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Being of Christian faith, I’ve been taught that God actually did visit Earth in physical form, you know, that Jesus guy they’re always talking about. People just sort of talked to him in the regular way. I admit, though, that it would really take skill to make a joke from that kind of an undiscering setup.

  293. Bob
    June 4th, 2007 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    I would have gone with “Booze Barn,” but that’s me.

  294. Dennis Jimenez
    June 4th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    I shop at the bong barn, myself.

  295. Chert the Chort
    June 5th, 2007 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    I am a little surprised that no one mentioned that God does, in fact, have a physical body in Mormon theology, rendering the “joke” (I use that loosely) in H&J more or less superfluous. Just ask the bishop of your local ward, this is a no-brainer.

    Not only is it cloyingly obnoxious, H&J continues to be woefully uninformed. Sigh.

  296. Astrology Readings
    December 14th, 2010 at 6:35 am [Reply]

    To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved. Your blog is nice and has well informative about all. But i feel this is unique topic for everyone how wants to get information.

  297. Astrology Readings
    January 29th, 2011 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Excellently written article, if only all blogger offered the same level of content as you, the internet would be a much better place. Please keep it up!

Comments are closed for this post.